Look what she has, that I don’t have. This is awful.
Compared to her, or him…..you really aren’t in the game. Not a contender. Not measuring up. Not even sitting at the table.
I mean, did you see this other amazing person??!
She/he is so incredible, off the charts, out of the ballpark, beyond brilliance. You don’t even have a single chance.
Um. Hello. (Waving hand in front of your face). Hello? Hello?
Oh, for a second I thought you were unconscious!
As in….you were very lost in feeling less-than (or like a piece of dung, to put it more viscerally) as you gazed upon this other person who is a genius, and gorgeous, and successful, and wealthy, and succeeding in every way possible.
What was up with that?
Why did you start comparing yourself so critically? And put yourself in the lower-than-jello type position? What happened there?
The reason I can see when someone is doing this, when they use comparison language or talk about themselves poorly….
…is because I’ve done it myself.
It happened not long ago, and it wasn’t the first time.
I’m a member of an audience. We’re talking and all abuzz, waiting for our idol (er, I mean mentor) to come on stage to give a speech.
She walks down the aisle right past me to the left, greeting people fairly quickly, smiling. She is more beautiful in person than online where I’ve seen her many times on camera and video. She’s vibrant, shaking a few peoples’ hands, running up to the stage, laughing.
I have a sinking feeling, rather than a full, uplifted feeling.
I am Not Her. Nothing like her. Never will be.
Blech.
Oh. I almost forgot. There’s The Work.
I should just do The Work on myself and what a loser I am, what a dork, what a failure, someone who never gets to that other high level.
Um.
The thing is. When you have this voice running (which so many of us seem to do) that same voice will direct you to do The Work on yourself, so you get fixed ASAP.
Even in this situation, I’ve found it to bring more clarity and freeing results to still look at that other person, who happens to be better than me this time, and write down all my thoughts.
I am upset (envious, jealous, afraid) in this situation because she is so far beyond me in success, it’s overwhelming.
Keep writing out your JYN. Write on that genius of a person, not you, who is doing it right.
How do you want her to change? Maybe pay close personal attention to you? See what you might demand about this person, if you had your way? How could she help you fix your inadequate feelings inside?
Be ridiculous, petty, childish.
What do you advise for her? What should she do? What shouldn’t she do?
Again, be unedited in your writing.
She should take me under her wing and show me exactly how to become as successful as her. She should tell me all about her life. She should be my good friend. She shouldn’t ignore me. She should show me she’s human.
In order to be happy, I need her to….what? What do you need her to do, say, think, feel in your presence so that you feel happy instead of frightened, or envious?
I need her to consult me for wisdom, to connect with me, to tell me her secrets, to tell me about how her mind works, to invite me over for dinner. I need her to ask me questions. I need her to be curious and intrigued with me.
She is bright, funny, clever, gorgeous, wealthy, successful beyond my wildest dreams, perfect.
I don’t ever want her to make me feel like success is not for me, impossible and out of reach by comparison.
Oooh.
That’s kind of an embarrassing worksheet to share.
All the more reason to actually share it.
This worksheet is one you can write when you want to attack yourself for being worse, lousy, inadequate, wrong.
Instead of beating yourself to a pulp on paper, look out there at that other incredible person you find is doing it in the best way possible. The one who is not you. The opposite of you, perhaps.
Allow your mind to go nuts on paper as you gaze upon this person who is so fabulous (vs the usual JYN full of mean thoughts about someone else). This is just the other side of the same coin, only you are the one in the low position this time.
Many of us start to tell this story….
….and it’s a great one to question.
We do The Work on it in the next Grace Note, and see what happens.
Not long ago, someone suggested that it was unfortunate, and kind of weird, that a program I’m participating in to explore death and dying, culture, family, place, history, tradition (and the loss of it)……has mostly white people enrolled.
It’s not the first time, or the only area in my life, where the people attending and participating appear to look a lot like me. Which is white. (And we could question this, about what color/race is, and if it’s who you actually are.)
In meditation retreats of 500 participants I’ve attended, there’s a small handful of people who are other colors than white. At the School for The Work there was 98% white people. In a career training program I was in 8 years ago, all 15 participants, and all the trainers were….white.
Now, there’s absolutely nothing “wrong” with this, of course.
Until.
Someone has a tone of voice or a statement or observation that sounds troubled, critical, worried.
Why are so many of you…..white? Aren’t you all privileged?
Ow. Yikes. Ugh.
What happens when you think you’re guilty, or you shouldn’t be complaining, or something’s wrong because….you’re white, or another race, or you’re male, or you’re from “x” country, or you do “y” job?
Oooh. I almost forgot. Shoot.
I shouldn’t complain or be disturbed. There are so many other people far worse off than me. Why am I even enrolling in meditation retreats or educational programs or doing The Work? My ancestors had all the perks. Right? I have opportunities other people don’t have.
Other people don’t have the time, or fortitude, or resources, to attend retreats or educate themselves about the mind, or study, or “relax”.
This is a very deeply stressful and dividing story.
That what you are….is based on false beliefs, ignorance, privilege….and others are worse off than you. That what you are is your appearance. You’ve got it pretty good, by comparison. You think you have it bad? Check out those Other People (and quit complaining, while you’re at it)!
They are suffering, you’re better off.
Is that true?
It hurts when your answer is “yes”.
They Are Suffering!!!!
Can you absolutely know it’s true, that your story is easier, better, more privileged than other peoples’ story? That you doing The Work is an elevated position? That your enrollment in “x” program is smoother than for others of different races or backgrounds?
That they are suffering, and you aren’t (by comparison)?
OK. It seems like, based on comparison, the answer is “yes”. It’s true I have had it easier historically compared to other stories I’ve encountered. Or my ancestors have.
But what if you had no problem with the observation that most of the people in your circles in “x” program look like you? What if you didn’t have stress about this unplanned “segregation”?
How do you react when you believe you’ve had perks?
I believe there’s something wrong. Guilty. Ashamed. Worried about complaining. Dismissive of my own suffering.
I’m suddenly taken back to elementary fifth grade, middle school, high school. Whites are the minority at school, not the majority like the city population or the immediate neighborhood I live in. I get called names sometimes, and the names include my race. I’m from the group who is doing it wrong. I’m not that cool. My boyfriend breaks up with me to go out with a girl who isn’t….white. It’s better to be Not White. Obviously.
This is an old, painful thought. What I am, “my” people, are the perpetrators. The ugly ones. The uncool.
The leader/author/teacher of the program I was participating in, where someone asked about why almost everyone was white was completely undisturbed with the question when it came up, hanging in the air in the hall where we all sat for our lectures and contemplation and note-taking.
He answered, without a blink of an eye, not very bothered.
“Because the people who are here need this program, apparently, and many others who are not white, don’t. Not right now. That’s the reality.”
Oh. duh. OK.
By comparison, I may have a privileged background. But I do not know my background shouldn’t be as it is. I don’t know that I shouldn’t be enrolled in the programs I’ve been enrolled in. I don’t know I shouldn’t be practicing meditation, The Work, or studying the way I do.
Who would I be without this story that I’m white and I should/shouldn’t….(fill in the blank)?
Without the belief that what I look like means “x” and I should feel “y” I notice….I have absolutely no idea what or who I am.
I watch my mind contort. I notice I’m interested in what’s familiar and unfamiliar. Right and wrong. Good and bad. That’s the way of the mind. Up and down. In and out.
My mental process naturally moves to find solutions, rest, safety. I have no idea what’s really true, or what’s going on.
Just like everyone else’s mind.
I turn the stories around:
a) They are not suffering, I am suffering, b) everyone and anyone can question their stories–it doesn’t matter your age, history, family, race, origin, c) there is no “genuine” suffering or “ultimate” better off….not for anyone, d) this thinking about suffering, brings suffering
Every one of these has been just as true or truer.
How could it be a good and natural thing that all these white people (again, me included) are enrolled in this program, or reading that book, or at this function or event, or doing The Work?
Well, perhaps we are all helping to address imbalance, war, fighting, separation and identity….and losing it. Maybe we’re in a training preparation for awareness, clarity, vision, and letting go of shame. We’re drawn to something truthful, and we have the means to enroll ourselves and get involved. Maybe we’re concerned, and taking action.
What if it has nothing to do with being white, and everything to do with being white?
Right on time. Perfectly on schedule.
What would you be without your story?
Can you do your work, no matter what race, or gender, or orientation or preferences you have?
I notice when I feel included, and not so afraid, and loving, and willing, and open, and when I question my stressful thoughts…..
…..I connect. I am not a color, I am not a body, I don’t have a gender, I’m not my name, I’m not an age. This thing called “I” is rather undefined and moving. Just like my life, which is very temporary and will be over at some point, perhaps not so long from now.
Without my beliefs about race, I follow what the Buddhists call Right Action.
Something’s alive and on fire and living love, and passion and care for what’s around me. Everyone’s included here. This means all the people I ever put into their own “special” category like the 1% or the 99%, or those who voted that way, or junk-food eaters or pop-drinkers or drug users or liars or patriarchs or hypocrites or men or women or bullies or fundamentalists…..and me. I am also included here, as someone I care about very much.
Give The Work your thoughts, one stressful belief at a time.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
If these words sound familiar, they are the poetry of Emma Lazarus whose family immigrated to the US from Germany. She studied her Jewish ancestors’ difficult history, women’s rights and their absence, the struggle of immigration. Many of us have heard this part of the poem because they’re inscribed on the Statue of Liberty in NYC.
The honest stories of what the day of thanksgiving represents are a combination, truthfully, of gratitude and deep desperate grief. Violence and rest. Conquering and surrendering. War and peace. Beginnings and endings. Duality.
The way of it.
What I notice about the experience of reality is it changes, and appears to include all things: very difficult, very beautiful.
And suffering, that is repeating what is difficult, appears to come out of believing painful thoughts.
Get away from THOSE people, be like THIS, don’t to THAT, don’t listen to your heart, DEFEND, use force to find safety, demand, be right, MAKE yourself be grateful.
Gasp.
Did I just say that?
Did I just imply you can be violent on yourself and your own mind by telling yourself you SHOULD be grateful, especially on Thanksgiving?
Yes, because before I did The Work, I had many beliefs about how people were supposed to act and “think” that look very good from the outside, but are not necessarily kind.
You should be grateful, giving, you should make donations, you should be thoughtful, you should be nice to your relatives, you should get along with everyone. You should eat turkey. (LOL).
What I noticed is, if I really wanted to question my suffering, then EVERYTHING was up for inquiry. Including the TO-DO commandments and any beliefs I had about how people (including me) should act, think, feel, or be.
I was interested in The Work because not only were other people, places, things and events not measuring up to perfection, but most importantly, neither was I.
I’m not too sure the experience of people traveling, leaving home, immigrating, journeying or being invaded has been all that sweet.
I’m pretty sure it’s been exceptionally sour at times, even bitter, and devastating.
But what if we could find peace, anyway? Even in the midst of chaos, war, emotional wounds, worry, fear.
Give me your tired, your poor repetitive stressful thoughts….
….all those stories and beliefs huddled together yearning to breathe free, the wretched discarded waste of believing….all piled up cluttering the senses and teeming over your consciousness. All those pictures, images, experiences in the past, being remembered over and over again.
Send all those stories and ingrained beliefs and unquestioned tales of suffering with no place to ever call home, all tossed around wildly through memories, gossip, fear, getting triggered….
….send all those beliefs to Inquiry! A lamp that can take anyone through a golden door!
I know, I know, it sounds very dramatic and flowery, but I’ve seen people (including yours truly) find deeply unexpected peace by questioning thoughts, rather than trying to get themselves, other people, places, or events to change.
What a relief. What a powerful experience of energizing, creating, inventing something new, or returning to something very ancient and familiar and loving.
So I’m excited that tomorrow on USA Thanksgiving morning I’ll get on the phone with lovely inquirers from 8-9:30 am to dive into The Work. Jump on any time. Bring your thoughts on election results, those other people who are upset about the election results, family disturbances, concerns for the holidays, fears, sadness, what you’re against.
This is for the places we don’t exactly feel thankful.
Which is one of the first things I love about The Work: you get to be babyish, immature, ridiculous, nasty, resentful, rude….all on paper.
Let it out! Don’t hold back!
Simply being honest, writing it down.
You don’t have to speak, share or even say one thing out loud on our call–you can use the time to listen and meditate on your own inquiry experience.
Another thing I love about The Work so much is that you get to answer the questions….YOUR answers. Not one single other person’s answers, not answers you SHOULD answer if you were polite and kind.
You really get to sit and contemplate the truth, for yourself, and wonder what it’s like if you didn’t believe everything you think.
I’ve found it to be exceptionally liberating and life-changing.
To not believe I must fight, assert, push against, clench my fists, or argue in order to be safe, loving, or free….
….this is amazing.
Join me Thursday if you can, I’d love to have you there, no matter what kind of thoughts you’ve ever had. You are welcome. So are your thoughts.
“Thoughts ….those are my children ….and I’m a good mother. Mother your thoughts. Mother them like they are the most adorable children you have ever seen. Speak to them in the sweetest, softest voice that you have ever used to calm that adorable child. Mother the children in your head. That’s the power.” ~ Byron Katie
“If you believe that anyone’s action is bad, how can you see the good in it? How can you see the good that comes out of it, maybe years later? If you see anyone as bad, how can you understand that we are all created equal? We’re all teachers by the way we live. A blind drunk can teach more about why not to drink than an abstinent man in all his piety. No one has more or less goodness. No one who ever lived is a better or a worse human being than you.” ~ Byron Katie
Wow.
Who would we be today, without believing our stressful stories?
How would you be, act, feel, live….just for today?
Somehow lately I’ve had not only individual clients, but a whole group of people in their own parent coaching program, doing The Work with me on parenting issues (thank you Jacqueline Green for inviting me to work with your group).
Taking care of another person who is less capable or able or adept than you are.
Sometimes, a very distressing area of concern.
So many troubling thoughts about the magnitude of responsibility we feel for our kids (or those others we’re caring for).
It’s been awhile since I’ve thought as much as I once did about trouble with kids. But I did spend a whole lot of time in the past on them, and on criticizing myself as a mom.
Lately not just one, but three parents expressed their greatest fury was with themselves more than their kids. I was reminded of the power of thoughts on our experience of parenting….
….and the huge relief of questioning them.
(If you’re interested in reading the ebook Top Most Stressful Thoughts Parents have that keep them struggling with their kids, you can download it here).
But here are a few of the Biggies right now:
I could ruin their lives, I’m The One guiding them. They should be like “x”, or “y”. I need them to act like good, polite, productive citizens. To share, to stop hitting, to say they’re sorry, to be admirable.
And oh, the worst most stressful thought: If they have a hard time, in any way whatsoever….it’s my fault.
So picture a moment where your kid is doing what they’re doing, and you are so troubled by it.
A wonderful long-term inquirer who’s been in Year of Inquiry several times recently said she felt anxious as her son was dropping out of college.
A dad worked with me recently on his ten year old who was being critical and mean.
Another mom worked with me on feeling upset when her kids started yelling at each other, and the older one smacked the younger one. She went ballistic herself
Maybe your kid is refusing to clean up their art project, or move out, or get a job, or turn out the light at bedtime.
It’s the fault of the parent if a kid is doing something disturbing or impolite or unexpected.
Is it true?
Yes. If only I had been more clear, earlier in life. If only I had been more stable emotionally. If only I had communicated more maturely. If only…..
My fault.
People feel this way all the time when their kids get into drugs, or have eating disorders, or feel suicidal. I contributed. I didn’t help. I’m inadequate. I was a terrible role model.
Is that really true, though? Are you sure you’re in charge? Are you sure you’re the central “cause” of their suffering or trouble? Are you positive, with no doubt whatsoever, that YOU have such a big role in this child’s problem?
No.
I’m there, I’m a part of it, sure—but the creator of it? The one who made it happen?
I notice, I’m not that powerful.
Just like I discovered about my own parents from doing The Work on them.
How do you react when you believe it’s your fault?
It’s agonizing.
I’m in that kid’s business every single day, trying to brainstorm ways he can succeed, having ideas that might “help” him. I send him emails with to-do steps. I work harder. I work on myself with a vengeance.
Some parents report feeling really, really, really awful about themselves, and practically like they’d be better off dead.
But who would you be without this story?
When I first did this work, I had a sudden AH-HA about this belief that’s very stressful in our culture: parents are the cause of their children’s agony.
It’s in many theories of psychology, and we’ve all analyzed the personalities of our parents.
Nothing wrong with looking at what we experienced (not at all) but are you sure this collective belief is useful to believe that the fault lies with the parents when their kids suffer?
Are you sure YOUR parents caused your trouble?
Who would you be without this really pervasive, stressful story?
Without that thought, I realized, wow….I’m responsible, not my mom, not my dad.
So are my kids.
Now, this is not an excuse to pile on the guilt even higher. Instead, just feel into who or what you would be, without the story of it being anyone’s fault at all.
No more need to sort out this parent-child relationship thing endlessly.
Doing The Work on our parents is fantastic (and deeply valuable), very freeing and full of insights, but then let’s step back into the present moment, and see our lives freshly with new eyes.
How would I feel and behave, without my story that it’s my fault what happens with my kids? How would I think, feel, act without the story it’s my parents’ fault what happened with me
Woah.
Turning the thought around: it’s NOT my fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s their fault. There is no “fault”.
Could that be just as true, or truer?
“If you want to be a lover, you gotta be a lover of what is. Period. End of story. And if there’s contraction, you’ve got to be intimate with that….There’s a scream saying “no” but love says “yes”. Unconditional love is not trying to change anything!” ~ Adyashanti
Unconditional love is not trying to get you fixed as a parent. It doesn’t think you’re a mistake. Or you did it incorrectly, or wrong.
Here we are, all imperfect and trying and caring deeply about this dynamic between child and parent.
(Or between ourselves and ANYONE right now, who might need help)…
Could you be enough, for your kid, since you’re the one apparently the parent, in this lifetime? Could you be enough, for you?
Could you be enough, if you’re taking care of someone who’s incapacitated in some way?
I remember recognizing the difference between relaxing, surrendering, trusting the way life was unfolding for my kids without lecturing them or getting upset or making suggestions….
….and instead, listening.
I noticed, they responded more openly and shared a lot more when I wasn’t hitting myself (mentally) with a stick.
Together, we wondered about how things might work out. Together, there was talking happening, and ideas, and me fascinated with what was occurring, and love. Lots of love. With an unknown future.
And if I was nervous or stressed….I knew what to do. Take it to inquiry, on paper.
This brings me to unconditional love, every time.
It brings me to being someone without a stressful story–about me, or my kids. One thought at a time.
Speaking of family. If you’d like to join inquirers together on the phone, writing down your thoughts, moving through The Work of Byron Katie, questioning stress….come to my free gathering for USA Thanksgiving from 8:00-9:30 am Pacific Time.
Open to everyone, just bring a pen and paper or your writing device, the spirit of meditation and contemplation, and your willingness to question your thinking.
Save this email so you can connect with us all on Thursday morning this week and choose to dial-in using your phone or your computer. If you want to listen-only, select WebCast. If you’d like to be able to share out loud or ask questions, select Web-Call.
When I used to be invited to a potluck, a feast, a celebration, a party, a huge dinner, a brunch, a birthday….OK, you name it, a place where there was food all over….
….I started getting anxious about the food long before I went.
If it’s really good, I’ll eat from one end of the room to the other, all the while faking like I’m normal, and then ditch out of there.
I won’t eat anything at all. I’ll have a salad. I’ll drink soda water with lemon slices.
I’ll call and ask them beforehand to make some special no-skin chicken or other specially prepared food that’s plain, non-triggering, and pure or healthy or “right”.
Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
What I really wanted was to NOT BE THINKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENED.
I didn’t want to be concerned in any way with the food.
I wanted to relax today, in the present moment, and eat when hungry and stop eating when full, and enjoy food and eating immensely.
Well….when you’ve used food for emotional safety and comfort, when you’ve used food to replenish you after you’ve been starving yourself, when you’ve used food to help you with your feelings….it’s going to have a pretty big role in your life.
First thing to do: don’t beat yourself up into a pulp.
Seriously, if you knew any better, you would have done it differently long ago.
Food has been reliable in many ways, and YOU are not a terrible awful person for relying on it.
Today I share with you one kind of funny way to handle big food events, feasts, and times when food is a gigantic focus (and by the way, these will eventually be absolutely wonderful celebrations for you, too, in a very normal way).
I call it the Slowing Down step, which is the first step in a series of seven I sometimes talk about when it comes to healing food and eating.
And here’s the fun news: I’m inspired to offer an entirely free MasterClass on all seven steps to Eating Peace.
If you’d like to register for the MasterClass, please click here. We’ll meet on Wednesday, November 23rd at 1:00 pm. Please set aside 90 minutes.
Can’t wait to bring you this masterclass training, it will be the very first time I’m doing it in this particular format, and I hope it gives you fantastic practices for any upcoming feast (or any discomfort with food and eating)!
Even if you can’t make it to the MasterClass, watch here for the first Slowing Down step and how you can bring it to your next feast. (Hint: there’s a little bit of Step Seven in what I share here today….they all become a big process together, bringing you thinking, feeling and eating peace).
When I used to be invited to a potluck, a feast, a celebration, a party, a huge dinner, a brunch, a birthday….OK, you name it, a place where there was food all over….
….I started getting anxious about the food long before I went.
If it’s really good, I’ll eat from one end of the room to the other, all the while faking like I’m normal, and then ditch out of there.
I won’t eat anything at all. I’ll have a salad. I’ll drink soda water with lemon slices.
I’ll call and ask them beforehand to make some special no-skin chicken or other specially prepared food that’s plain, non-triggering, and pure or healthy or “right”.
Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
What I really wanted was to NOT BE THINKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENED.
I didn’t want to be concerned in any way with the food.
I wanted to relax today, in the present moment, and eat when hungry and stop eating when full, and enjoy food and eating immensely.
Well….when you’ve used food for emotional safety and comfort, when you’ve used food to replenish you after you’ve been starving yourself, when you’ve used food to help you with your feelings….it’s going to have a pretty big role in your life.
First thing to do: don’t beat yourself up into a pulp.
Seriously, if you knew any better, you would have done it differently long ago.
Food has been reliable in many ways, and YOU are not a terrible awful person for relying on it.
Today I share with you one kind of funny way to handle big food events, feasts, and times when food is a gigantic focus (and by the way, these will eventually be absolutely wonderful celebrations for you, too, in a very normal way).
I call it the Slowing Down step, which is the first step in a series of seven I sometimes talk about when it comes to healing food and eating.
And here’s the fun news: I’m inspired to offer an entirely free MasterClass on all seven steps to Eating Peace.
If you’d like to register for the MasterClass, please click here. We’ll meet on Wednesday, November 23rd at 1:00 pm. Please set aside 90 minutes, but we may be done in less.
Can’t wait to bring you this masterclass training, it will be the very first time I’m doing it in this particular format, and I hope it gives you fantastic practices for any upcoming feast!
Watch here for the first Slowing Down step and how you can bring it to your next feast. (Hint: there’s a little bit of Step Seven in what I share here today….they all become a big process together, bringing you thinking, feeling and eating peace).
Who would you be, in that serious situation, without the belief you’re in danger? Could you be supported?
Today is the anniversary of my father’s death.
It was a very long time ago, and I’m so used to living without him being physically present in my life, there is no dreadful pain about his absence.
But it wasn’t always this way.
When he first got diagnosed with incurable, terminal cancer, a wave went driving through me of deep fear, anguish, and grief.
It was terrible, horrible news.
I was filled with dread.
In Year of Inquiry we’re really diving deep in our third month together into some great and profound questions, related to fear.
I remembered vividly, when I heard someone else’s work on the fear they had for their own child’s safety….
….the fear I felt when I learned my father was going to die.
Worrying about someone else is so stressful.
But here’s what I absolutely love about inquiry. It can open up your mind to seeing clearly, and seeing beyond the fear.
What is safety? Why do I feel so unsafe, in this situation? What am I expecting of myself, or of others, or of life….when I think it’s threatening?
And hey, wait a minute!
Where did I get this idea anyway, that something’s OFF and unsafe or dangerous?
Is it this situation, or Reality, that is off? Or my thinking?
We know intellectually that Byron Katie and other thought leaders and spiritual teachers are offering perspective on this whole “mind” and “thinking” thing, right?
Katie suggests our thinking is the cause of suffering, not the actual conditions of reality. She invites us to look, over and over, as a practice.
“Nothing terrible has ever happened, except in our thinking. Reality is always good, even in situations that seem like nightmares. The story we tell is the only nightmare that we have lived.” ~ Byron Katie
Holy Smokes….let’s test it out.
Let’s look at this very common and VERY troubling belief: I am not safe.
Notice you can only think you should be experiencing something different, this “safe” thing, if you believe you aren’t and it’s bad, bad, bad.
I am not safe (TERRIBLE)!
Is it true?
To really dig into this inquiry as you read, find a situation in which you felt unsafe. Emotionally, physically, spiritually–whatever your circumstance.
Is it true, you’re in danger?
Yes!
I remember the circumstances, many of them, when I felt unsafe.
The doctor is telling me the tumor on my leg is cancer. I’m in full-stop traffic miles away, with my 5 year old standing in the rain in the dark by himself, waiting. I’m reading an alarming text. I’m reading an email that says someone’s coming over NOW and they are desperate. I’m hearing a phone message where someone implies I’m a liar, and another phone message where someone says I’m not being a good friend.
I learn someone very close to me (like my dad) are very sick or going to die. I’m suddenly at the scene of a car accident right after it happened. I can’t reach the man I have a crush on, he’s not ever calling me back. I open the trunk of my car and see it’s empty–all my luggage has been stolen.
Not safe! Surely!
You are not safe.
Is it absolutely true for all time, beyond all doubt?
I pause, wondering about this moment, holding still.
Astonishingly, I notice I can’t know it’s absolutely true I am not safe. Even though I just injured myself, even though someone I love just received a diagnosis, even though my stuff is apparently gone (stolen) and I feel energy coursing through me. I can’t absolutely know I am not safe.
Wow.
How do you react when you believe “this is a threat, I am not safe, this is dangerous”?
I clench up tight. I stop breathing deeply. I want to quit everything, why bother trying in this dangerous world? I see pictures of how things will go (badly) and terrible scenes I imagine for the future, and sad memories from the past. I attack myself, or I attack the attackers in my mind.
I condemn nervousness or anxiety as bad and wrong, and I act tough. I avoid any place or any person who threatens me. THEY are the one making me feel this terrible feeling of danger, after all.
I treat myself like I’m meek and tiny, and unable to handle these feelings or this threat. I run.
So who would you be without this thought, this story of the lack of safety? What if you didn’t know this person, this situation, was dangerous?
Some people think, with this question….my God, I’d be crazy! I’d be walking right into something without fear, and not even know it.
Bingo.
And this isn’t about being passive, or being stupid and defying gravity or something.
You can still follow traffic rules, make lists of pros and cons for spending money, notice you drop everything and leave your house when you learn your kid has a broken wrist at school.
But you’re taking action without terror. You’ve moved, without personally believing it MUST go a certain way, or else.
You do the most efficient, kind, loving thing. That’s who you are, without panic. Someone who cares. Someone who moves to help, if you’re able.
I once remember Katie facilitating someone through their thought “I’m afraid of the cancer in my body!”
She asked the person; “Do you think the cancer is more likely to go away…if you hate it and fear it, or you don’t mind it’s there?”
Hmmm.
Without the belief that I’m threatened…..WOW. I’m wondering where this is going? I’m open. I’m stepping forward, even if it’s in the dark. I’m feeling about, I’m curious, even excited.
Even about the Big Fears, like death and loss and change.
Turning the thought around: I am not threatened in this situation, I am not in danger, I am safe.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
What part of you is OK?
I notice, I’m alive, I’m unhurt physically, I thought I was threatened but actually I only read words, or heard words. Bodies are temporary, and some last longer than others. Things are temporary, too.
Without the belief that I’m unsafe, as I hear troubling news from someone else, I might just sit, stay connected to the person, notice I have only kindness to offer and speaking isn’t necessary.
Turning it around even further: I am supported, all is well, everything is not only OK but brilliant, loving, wonderful.
I know that sounds a bit over the top, considering some of the human situations we find ourselves in. I’m not saying I’d be happy in some very grave, shocking news.
And yet….who knows what is possible?
I notice I would live, even if my child died. I notice I lived, even though my father did die. I notice I’m sitting in a very quiet room, with a heater humming hot air into the space, and a beautiful orange lamp shining, with a cup of peppermint tea and some apple slices sitting within reach. It is extremely safe.
It is as if, right now in this very moment, nothing terrible HAS ever happened, unless I remember or think about it.
It is true that I am only threatened if I THINK.
What I notice, too, is when I was in very apparently dangerous situations, I did not actually “think”.
Thinking happened afterwards. I took in what was happening, I moved, I ducked, I ran, I waited, I showed up, I left.
Who was I without my story?
Life in action. Human, being itself.
Human learning something different. Human discovering what it’s like to not believe it’s thoughts.
Human living with no requirements, conditions, demands (except in thought)….or true lack of safety, ever.
Human spinning through space on a small planet called earth, here for a few seconds by comparison to Reality.
Here, noticing what is sweet and lovely, and bitter and difficult, and noticing I’m not running this joint.
Thank God.
“The Master acts without doing anything and reaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2 (Translated by Stephen Mitchell)
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you notice anxiety, fear, nerves, emptiness, boredom, anger when it comes to eating, food and body….I’m offering a MasterClass on Wednesday, November 23rd 1:00-2:30 pm. Eating Peace: How To Question Your Thoughts That Drive Off-Balance Eating. Register here.
When they’re angry…. ….you don’t have to close your heart over it
The first time I really paid attention to Leonard Cohen’s music was at Byron Katie’s School for The Work in March 2005.
Leonard was someone who had been raked through the horrible doubt of wondering whether life was worth living. And been forced, in a way, to question what he was thinking and believing to be true.
His music expressed it and inspired this investigation.
And it sure can be wildly helpful to be inspired in your inquiry, because it’s not exactly an easy journey to explore what you’ve always believed to be true.
Even a terrible, awful, no good, very bad belief might at least have solid ground, be something you’ve felt certain of.
You feel like you can count on knowing what’s wrong, and what’s right. What’s good and what’s evil.
That over there is No Good. That condition on planet earth, my family, my dad, my mom, my grandfather, people who do “x”, other people who act like “y”, that country, this war, that dreaded incident.
At least I KNOW they are evil, bad, wrong or not for me. When someone or something is horrible, I know who to stay away from.
But what if you’re wrong about that?
It’s usually not anywhere near as black and white as we make it. There is no 100% all-time clear solid “evil” and no solid 100% clear “good”.
But let’s say, just for fun (ahem) you think Someone or Something is pretty close to 100% badness.
Kind of stressful, right?
I have someone in mind. So let’s do The Work.
That person is evil, terrible, negative, wrong, rude, hateful.
I see someone in my mind who is right now doing a stellar job of cutting off all friends and family in her life connected to a certain circle. She’s slapping sarcastic statements around full of spitting judgment, nasty comments, global sweeping comments like “you all have never, ever been supportive….”
Is it true, that name-caller is bad? Evil? Acting like the names they’re using on other people? Unforgiving?
YES.
She must be really messed up, to be so mean and vicious. In fact, I’m sure she is. Prejudiced. She doesn’t know or care about me personally at all. She’s acting exactly the same way as the people she’s accusing. WORSE. She….
Oh. Right. Answer the question.
Can you absolutely know that person is evil, wrong and bad to the core?
No.
How do you react when you believe they are?
The wall between us is 7 miles wide. The energy feels caustic and hateful. The fear is flowing, or the grief.
I avoid her. I try not to ever think about her, but I do anyway.
So who would you be if you didn’t believe that person in question was evil, bad, wrong, hateful, terrible, dangerous?
It doesn’t mean you’re pretending they aren’t acting destructive or you’re denying and playing like they don’t matter.
This question is asked while you STARE at that person, sitting in their presence in your mind, holding them in your thoughts, remembering their words or their emails.
Who would you be, watching what they did and said, without the story they are EVIL or bad, wrong, whatever your words are that describe what you’re seeing?
I’d become aware of how terrified that person is. How desperate. I’d see how they are believing many thoughts and following them without question. I’d see how much they suffer and complain and demand and tantrum and they don’t know how to connect, love, share, or relax.
Would I like to be that person? Not at all. I know what it’s like to believe with a vengeance. I’ve done it many times, when thinking about them.
So what would it really feel like to pause a moment and wonder what it’s like over there, without the belief it’s wrong to be like that?
What’s the reality?
This person is acting like that, saying that, doing that. This isn’t about agreeing with it. But notice what happens when you argue with reality.
You lose.
As I return over and over again to who I would be without the thought, I remember I am not forcing myself into some kind of mind-game, but instead I’m interested in opening up to Not Being The Knower (since I find it’s incredibly stressful, and often inaccurate).
How would I treat myself, how would it feel to be me in this moment as I look over there at that fuming person, who’s obviously very upset?
I’d feel compassion. I’d feel the hurt and heartbreak, too. I’d notice my heart, deeply, and how connected I actually feel, even in the middle of the disconnect.
In my situation, as I think of this person I’ve known for many years who has gotten very upset with everyone and been extremely judgmental….without the thought she’s wrong or evil….
….I notice how quiet it is over here in my own business, with myself. All that happened is someone got upset. She had her reasons. I don’t have to understand them all Right Now.
Turning the thought around: that person is good, right, creative, loving. I am evil, bad, wrong…especially when it comes to my thinking about that person.
This is not about slapping yourself for doing it wrong, being judgy, doing it poorly, making a mistake, screwing it up, or using your bad-ness as proof for why that person got upset in the first place.
Can you really know it has something to do with YOU that they got so upset? Can you really know YOU caused the rift, the difficulty, the anger? Can you really know if you had done it differently, it would have gone another way, or any better?
No.
Good to notice.
I do see that when I believe someone else is completely evil or weird, I myself am full of feelings of disgust, rage, worry, sadness and other stressful emotions coursing through my system.
Not so positive. Not so Can-Do. Not so relaxed.
And that person over there, she’s doing the best she can. She’s taking care of herself. She’s trying a new experiment. It’s probably perfect for her….not wishing for connection with an old group she’s been very disappointed in, and instead dropping that expectation and venturing out on her own.
These activities are worthy, good, supportive of something in her own life. She’s becoming more independent. She needs the adventure, the break, to connect with different and new people instead.
Nothing wrong with that at al! It’s very loving to herself, to stop interacting with people she doesn’t enjoy, or who she gets wildly triggered by.
Plus, it gives the rest of the old circle a break, including me.
How could this whole interaction, with that person having a hissy fit, and my mind having one, and all that’s gone along with it….
….how could this experience be OK, interesting, an invitation, something deeply powerful and important that needed to happen?
I might not know fully yet.
But one thing I do see….is the Universe has Got This.
It’s allowing what is. No one single person is in charge (I notice I sure am not, and neither is the other person I’m so concerned about). I do the best I can, I question my thinking, I relax into this movie….
….and suddenly, I’m inspired instead of despairing.
Being fully connected with that angry person is not required physically, in person, or verbally, or in writing at the moment. I can feel love and joy for their impact on my life, and this quiet moment I can also appreciate immensely.
Now that’s an exciting, loving, good, softer, unexpected story.
Not an evil one.
Who knows what could happen next, with a freer heart? I might rise up into something I never anticipated. I might create beautiful music. I’d stay present, and roll up my sleeves.
“Here’s to the few who forgive what you do, and the fewer who don’t even care.” ~ Leonard Cohen d. 11/10/2016
“Do not let anything that happens in life be important enough that you’re willing to close your heart over it.” ~ Michael Singer
If you’re a member of the Institute for The Work (for people who have attended The School for The Work who go on to regular practice and training) I’m teaching a fabulous five week course called “Basics” starting Monday, Nov. 14th at 4:00 pm. (Two spots left by the way….come join us if you’re in ITW!)
Now, the reason I’m mentioning this here in Grace Notes is because ANYONE can create this “BASIC” approach to doing your own self-inquiry work.
And you WANT to give attention to the simple, basic details of this work….because this is your freedom we’re talking about. Your thoughts and your answers. Your transformation.
This can be especially helpful if you notice you’ve done The Work on the same person about 100 times.
(Not that I’d know anything about this).
So, how do you get back to basics?
The key is slowing waaaaay down when you feel the explosion or sudden hit of emotional stress….and taking out that pen and paper so you can identify what you’re believing and thinking in writing.
The key is to spend deliberately quiet thoughtful time answering the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
Try it right now if you like.
First of all, here’s a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Open it up, so you can see the questions clearly if you don’t have them memorized.
Now, think of an uncomfortable situation. Something that happened with another person where you felt unappreciated, hurt, attacked, misunderstood.
Again, this is the first and deeply important step in doing The Work is what we’re calling the basics: IDENTIFYING what you’re thinking that hurts in the first place.
If you have a situation where you’ve gotten bugged, you’re going to pause and answer these questions, maybe more slowly than you ever have before….rather than full speed ahead in REACTING mode like we always did before we heard of The Work.
I notice reaction all the time, by the way. Something happens or something is said or a tiny transgression appears in my day, a little disappointment….and I feel scared, or sad, or nervous, or worried.
Most of us have this going on….we receive or encounter something, we have contact with another person, and if it’s scary or sad or upsetting, we’ll have feelings buzzing or crashing around inside.
I know sometimes these feelings are like a tornado, sometimes thunder and lightening, sometimes an irritating mosquito. It doesn’t matter the level, though, or the height of the emotion….
….the thing is noticing it, and then thinking “Ah ha! I will write down what I’m thinking right now! This could be interesting!”
(Or, this could save my life).
Doing this first step in The Work is an incredible practice, a habit to get into when encountering something uncomfortable, or devastating. You have something, besides being dragged around by your feelings, to explore with your mind.
Sometimes, what I notice about big strong feelings is, there’s a panic to “do” something, to take action, as soon as possible. Fix it, resolve it, get to safety, figure this problem out.
DO something about the feeling itself.
All that can go on, and the actual behavior you notice yourself doing when you practice The Work is….walking over to the place where you keep paper, or opening up your phone app if you like doing The Work on your device, and holding still a moment so you can “catch” your speeding thoughts on paper.
In this Basics course, I love that we spend primary time on getting the stressful thoughts down….not so much on actually “doing” The Work although we do that too (which is answering the four questions) but concentrating on giving ourselves the freedom and clarity of writing down what the heck we’re thinking that brings on so much stress inside.
So if you’re up for this today, follow along:
The first question is “Who angers, confuses or disappoints you, and why?”
Sometimes, you may be tempted to go off a little on “why” this person angered, confused or disappointed you. Proving what a jerk they were. So go ahead and write a little if you’re moved. But then, bring yourself back to answering the question. You simply want to write, not so you start analyzing yourself or the other person. Not so you can find the “right” answer in your mind. Not so you justify your feelings.
No, if you do that, you could go down a rabbit hole for awhile.
Instead, sit with this question about why you’re so disturbed in this situation: right in that very moment you learned “x” or the person said “y” what were you feeling? Why did you feel it? Because that person ______.
Keep it simple.
What I like to do is write it down and then ask myself….does that really capture it? Is that why I’m upset? Or is there a clearer more striking reason? What’s going on here?
I don’t try to NOT be upset. (I notice it’s too late). I’m not trying to be anything.
I’m simply taking dictation from my thinking, without editing, without judging myself as a bad person, just letting things rip if they are, allowing it all to come alive on paper.
Then, you get to answer the other questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
How do you want that person to change? You can have a hissy fit, a tantrum, and feel like you’re 4 years old screaming your head off.
And let me tell you, it’s way better to do this on paper than directly to the person, which doesn’t always turn out well for anyone, right?
You don’t wind up feeling ashamed, saying things that aren’t really true in the end. You don’t attack and speak violently. You love and support yourself more….and the other person usually, too, by taking this space and time to write down what you’re thinking when you feel emotional pain.
Question three: What advice do you give this other human being, so they improve, or become easier to deal with, or care about you or themselves more….or so the situation becomes fun, relaxed, good (in your opinion)? The answer to this question always starts with “they should/he should/she should” or “they shouldn’t/she shouldn’t/he shouldn’t”.
Yes, we’ve all heard that “shoulding” on people is a drag (or on yourself) but let’s get it out, on the piece of paper, anyway.
This work is about writing down what comes to the stressed out, nervous, upset part of your mind and acknowledging it by writing it down. NOT by quickly trying to push these thoughts away, or to be non-judgmental, or to make yourself be gracious or kind or magnanimous.
No sirree, you get to catch these dark thoughts, the ones full of malice and hurt and pain, right here on the paper. We don’t even care about bringing in philosophies of how you “should” think or act in this type of situation. Instead, you’re writing down what you actually DO think that’s so stressful.
The fourth question on the JYN is “What do you need for this other person to do in order to be happy in this situation?”
It’s one of the best questions for sitting and answering much more slowly than we usually allow ourselves. What do you really, truly, honestly need this other person to do, say, think, feel, act like…..that would change your response to “happy” from “enraged” or “devastated”?
That’s a major question. Sometimes people say to me….what I need them to do is virtually impossible. It could never, ever happen and they will never, ever act that other “better” way.
I say, write it down anyway.
These are YOUR thoughts you’re living with and dealing with. To inquire into them will bring YOU peace of mind, no matter what that other person does in the end.
On the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, you get to then write down two more items: first, call that person every name and quality you see in them. Cuss if you feel like it. She is_____. He is _____. Include all the ways you would describe them, all the words you use. This is your statement of what you see in this other, through your eyes.
It doesn’t mean you’re an awful person, if you write down terrible, mean, ugly, vicious things. This is only a part of the mind at work. It’s the scared, pessimistic, desperate part of your mind, the one that’s interested in YOU and self-preservation. The one that doubts you are supported.
That’s the part we’re working with, in all this inquiry work.
You can keep the trusting, joyful, easy-going parts of yourself. You can keep the faithful parts, your expansive mind, your loving impulses for connection and sharing.
Finally, on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet the very last question six is one I love pondering: “What is it you never, ever want to experience again?”
Don’t you love how the mind will say this big grand statements like whatever answer you come up with to this last question? I don’t EVER, EVER want this to EVER happen again! NEVER!
Like you’re shaking your fist at the universe!
It’s so good to know what some fearful part of you decided in that situation. Because then….you can un-ravel it! You can inquire!
If you don’t question this, that fretting and suspicious part of the mind will focus very intently on avoiding anything that looks like that dreaded situation. You’ll be using tons of energy (at least I sure did) trying to get away from this sort of situation in the future.
Getting these answers very clear, spending time on your own precious thoughts, and the details, the exact way you personally answer the questions….
….is like finding a handful of gold nuggets in a river bed.
Or perhaps even a handful of diamonds. In a cave. Two miles underground.
Each crazy, stressful, ridiculous, immature thought can be taken all on its own through the four questions.
It’s simpler when you do this on paper, one at a time.
I know, I know….everyone wants to do The Work while driving. Me too. Can’t we just do this in our heads while going out to buy milk at the store?
When I do that, I miss significantly important pieces of this work, every single time. (You think?)
If you have a deep, painful issue….Step One is fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet very slowly, thoroughly, with simple sentences and DO NOT JUDGE your own thoughts. You don’t have to show them to anyone.
But these thoughts are your ticket to freedom. At least, they have been for me.
From thework.com website: “The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and questionthe thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address the cause of your problems with clarity.”
If you’ve had trouble resolving a situation, bring it back to the basics.
Answer the questions, get your pain on paper.
Now, you can do something truly transformational with it: The Work.
Have you ever had someone get mad at you for doing something you needed to do? Something you knew was the right thing for your own life?
People experience someone becoming furious, mean, degrading, maybe even sarcastic or calling names in many situations. When breaking up with a romantic or business partner, quitting a job, laying someone off, telling a friend they’re unavailable, rescheduling an extremely important event….
….or even when very serious medical concerns make it so you have to cancel or change your plans.
You say “no”, maybe after weighing out the decision very deliberately, talking about it with others, feeling into what the best thing is to do, with the greatest integrity.
But the other person is totally offended. You’ve hurt them. You’ve shocked them. You’ve scared them.
This other person is incredibly disappointed. Even devastated.
And then….they get nasty.
I remember once a very dear friend saying to me in a conversation about romantic love; “you really learn deeply about someone when you break up with them and you see how they act, what they say, how they conduct themselves.”
Several years ago someone very close to me got offended with someone else in our small tight circle. There were five people in total involved.
The offended one wrote to the whole group, asking for support, via email.
There were a few questions from some of us, including me, all popping up on the email thread.
Wait…what happened? What is it you want? But, shouldn’t you be worried about “x” instead of her? I don’t understand what’s going on. Why aren’t you getting along? Why are you in this situation? What’s happening? Can we all meet to sort this thing out, because this is confusing, and it sounds hard!
There were some back and forth, even more confusing emails or texts. Some opinions shared. The desire for understanding.
But then the clincher.
A very sarcastic, cutting, deeply bitter text from the offended one to the whole group. Violent in wording. Accusing everyone of being separate, distant, uncaring and pointless. And that she’s no longer speaking to any of us. None of us understand her.
When I read it, I felt the pain of heartbreak. The way humans become resentful, seeing their plight as a personal attack. Making War.
We all know this story when it comes to couples.
I’ll never forget the shocking surprise I myself felt at being broken up with long ago by my partner at the time.
It was like a ball of fire in my gut. So outraged. Betrayed.
Thank God I had The Work, because I knew, deep stress = the sign to inquire, the sign I am believing something exceptionally stressful and frightening that is NOT really true for me.
I knew in my right mind, if someone wanted to break up, disengage, move on or change up the routine….
….if someone needed to quit, to stop, to try something new, to cancel….
….that it was possible I might trust the movement instead of taking it personally. I mostly didn’t want to react with such fear and panic, and violence even in my head, no matter what the reasons were.
And I was pretty dang violent in my head, when that guy broke up with me, that’s for sure.
“How DARE you break up with me! You owe me! After all I’ve done for you!”
Or the counter-position (and both usually are running at the very same time) “I am worthy of being left, I am unloveable, I am the one who is abandon-able. He doesn’t care about me.”
Ow.
When you’re speaking up, and you know someone could be disappointed on the other side of your request and concern, it takes a lot of courage to say it, if you’re worried about disappointing people.
“They shouldn’t be so disappointed. They should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me.”
Is it true?
Yes.
People should remain connected with each other! They should be kind. They should be loving and trusting. People should be dedicated to freedom, and to seeing life as it goes the way it does–sometimes change is called for. People should be at least civil, and behave like adults.
Um. Oh yes, where was I. Answering the question “is it true?”
Yes, it’s TRUE that she shouldn’t blame me or hate me or be angry with me.
Can you absolutely know it’s true, they should’t be disappointed? They shouldn’t be calling you names, even if they are? They shouldn’t be so angry or upset?
Deep breath.
Yikes.
The name calling is the worst, I notice. They really shouldn’t attack me. It’s not my fault.
Absolutely true?
No.
They are attacking something. They ARE angry. That’s the reality. I can’t absolutely know it’s true they shouldn’t behave, speak, write exactly as they are. If I’m the target, so be it.
How do I react when I think someone is mean, furious, disappointed, hateful?
I feel sick. I shouldn’t do what I’m doing. I question myself. I question my motives or actions. It doesn’t matter if I’m lying in a hospital or someone else is, I begin to question my own integrity: “Are you sure you’re sick enough to stay in bed? Come on….your feelings are not important. Other people are more important, like this enraged person who’s mad at you. You are causing someone to suffer. Your decisions are bad. Your work is ridiculous. You shouldn’t even bother. Too risky. You can disappoint people. You need to fix this. It’s your fault.”
I mull over the conversations. When did it go wrong? Could I have known sooner, and intervened? Where did I make a mistake?
Incredibly stressful. And no peace in sight. No compassion or love inside of me, for anything about this situation. Just dread. Sadness.
So…..who would you be without the story that someone shouldn’t be mean, furious, bitter, disappointed or call you names? Who would you be without the story someone hates you, and they shouldn’t?
Are you saying.
It’s OK if someone hates me?
What??!!
Woah.
But.
This question is only “who would you be without the thoughtsomeone does?” They have their response, it looks like they are unhappy–no denying it, maybe they even yelled at you–and you do not have the thought they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling. Including anger or upset or hatred with you.
Wow. Without the thought, there they are upset with me, and no belief they shouldn’t be?
Can you find it?
It took me a minute.
I had to wade through all those screaming thoughts about never wanting to upset or disappoint anyone in this world, and trying to be a loving person who is not threatened. I had to feel the deep desire to be a good, nice, kind person, a loving person, a GREAT person even, who doesn’t hurt other people….and the awareness that my movements have caused pain.
But dropping, dropping, dropping all of those ideas and sitting in the presence of someone who is furious, and reading angry degrading words directed towards me….
….who would I be without the belief this shouldn’t be going this way?
….I remember feeling that way myself, when I felt abandoned, betrayed, lost, and terrified.
I wanted to lash out.
I went silent. I felt crushed.
Turning the belief around “they hate me, are completely disappointed with me”…..
….I hate myself, am disappointed with myself. Yes, when I start piling on all the ways I should never, ever disturb anyone, like it’s possible not to, like it’s my job to keep everyone happy (whew, overkill on the responsibility department).
I hate myself when I push away my own desires and preferences, or ignore my own integrity just to please someone else. I hate myself when I say “yes” to make someone happy, but I feel the “no”. I hate myself when I don’t tell the truth, no matter how disappointed someone might be.
What’s another turnaround?
That angry person doesn’t hate me. They aren’t disappointed. Maybe they even love me.
Well….yes. They really wanted my companionship. They wanted me to share the dream they held of being a couple, or being in business together, or supporting them. They didn’t expect me to say “no”.
Maybe they had a lot riding on this, and I didn’t even realize it. They were hopeful, they were counting on assistance, they were in need.
Back to the little group of five I mentioned: the enraged person should have been that angry, she should hate me/us, she shouldhave behaved and said it just like the way she did with sarcasm, condemnation, bitterness.
Hmmm. It seems like it could have been said differently, with more grace and kindness. It seems like love and peace should look like people speaking thoughtful mature words.
But this is finding examples of how it was perfect, the way it went.
OK. I’m willing to do this work, because I want to be free. For one thing, I see she was honest. She spewed. She got super sarcastic. All communication stopped, so it was no longer confusing, it was over.
Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be part of the group for awhile….maybe this gave her a kind of permission to be as she truly is, and the rest of us some other kind of freedom? I notice some benefits.
Ahhh, the turnaround “I hate her”. I shouldn’t be so disappointed. I should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me
Byron Katie has a powerful saying, like many of her repeated awareness concepts.
“You’ve been spared”.
This doesn’t mean time to rip the other person to shreds. It just means noticing with great clarity that they hate you, and they’re distancing themselves. It’s not so bad to have someone who’s so angry want nothing to do with you.
Plus, she’s right.
I AM judgmental, have high expectations, protective, a flake, unreliable, confused, unaware, stupid, mistake-maker, doing what works for me without concern for others, not listening well, inconsistent, ditching the needs of others.
As a human being, I am here living a life.
I am at times a burden. I require food, water and other necessities, it appears. My presence and choices affect the lives of others. I am not always able to help everyone. I will leave people, disappoint people, not do a good job, screw up.
Could there be a benefit? Could it be a good thing? Is there a brilliant reason why Person #5 cut off and ditched the entire group and said ‘you are not people I want to connect with!’ and ‘I hate you!’ (which I notice now, was never said….I just assumed and felt it).
Well, I get to find out now. Without any story.
Exciting.
Who am I without this belief that no one ever should be upset with me (or hate me)?
Happy.
“Challenges force you to become more present. Through being challenged beyond its comfort zone, the body gets stronger. Through other people, we get stronger. I learned to regard these humans as blessings….These relationships are spiritual practices….If nothing goes wrong, there is no movie. The character doesn’t develop. It’s a bad movie. In a good movie, as the character faces his or her problems, he or she grows, changes, develops abilities he or she didn’t have before. In very good movies, there’s some kind of spiritual realization. But only…..because something went wrong!” ~ Eckhart Tolle
If you’re a member of the Institute for The Work (for people who have attended The School for The Work who go on to regular practice and training) I’m teaching a fabulous five week course called “Basics” starting Monday, Nov. 14th at 4:00 pm. (Two spots left by the way….come join us if you’re in ITW!)