Somehow lately I’ve had not only individual clients, but a whole group of people in their own parent coaching program, doing The Work with me on parenting issues (thank you Jacqueline Green for inviting me to work with your group).
Taking care of another person who is less capable or able or adept than you are.
Sometimes, a very distressing area of concern.
So many troubling thoughts about the magnitude of responsibility we feel for our kids (or those others we’re caring for).
It’s been awhile since I’ve thought as much as I once did about trouble with kids. But I did spend a whole lot of time in the past on them, and on criticizing myself as a mom.
Lately not just one, but three parents expressed their greatest fury was with themselves more than their kids. I was reminded of the power of thoughts on our experience of parenting….
….and the huge relief of questioning them.
(If you’re interested in reading the ebook Top Most Stressful Thoughts Parents have that keep them struggling with their kids, you can download it here).
But here are a few of the Biggies right now:
I could ruin their lives, I’m The One guiding them. They should be like “x”, or “y”. I need them to act like good, polite, productive citizens. To share, to stop hitting, to say they’re sorry, to be admirable.
And oh, the worst most stressful thought: If they have a hard time, in any way whatsoever….it’s my fault.
So picture a moment where your kid is doing what they’re doing, and you are so troubled by it.
A wonderful long-term inquirer who’s been in Year of Inquiry several times recently said she felt anxious as her son was dropping out of college.
A dad worked with me recently on his ten year old who was being critical and mean.
Another mom worked with me on feeling upset when her kids started yelling at each other, and the older one smacked the younger one. She went ballistic herself
Maybe your kid is refusing to clean up their art project, or move out, or get a job, or turn out the light at bedtime.
It’s the fault of the parent if a kid is doing something disturbing or impolite or unexpected.
Is it true?
Yes. If only I had been more clear, earlier in life. If only I had been more stable emotionally. If only I had communicated more maturely. If only…..
My fault.
People feel this way all the time when their kids get into drugs, or have eating disorders, or feel suicidal. I contributed. I didn’t help. I’m inadequate. I was a terrible role model.
Is that really true, though? Are you sure you’re in charge? Are you sure you’re the central “cause” of their suffering or trouble? Are you positive, with no doubt whatsoever, that YOU have such a big role in this child’s problem?
No.
I’m there, I’m a part of it, sure—but the creator of it? The one who made it happen?
I notice, I’m not that powerful.
Just like I discovered about my own parents from doing The Work on them.
How do you react when you believe it’s your fault?
It’s agonizing.
I’m in that kid’s business every single day, trying to brainstorm ways he can succeed, having ideas that might “help” him. I send him emails with to-do steps. I work harder. I work on myself with a vengeance.
Some parents report feeling really, really, really awful about themselves, and practically like they’d be better off dead.
But who would you be without this story?
When I first did this work, I had a sudden AH-HA about this belief that’s very stressful in our culture: parents are the cause of their children’s agony.
It’s in many theories of psychology, and we’ve all analyzed the personalities of our parents.
Nothing wrong with looking at what we experienced (not at all) but are you sure this collective belief is useful to believe that the fault lies with the parents when their kids suffer?
Are you sure YOUR parents caused your trouble?
Who would you be without this really pervasive, stressful story?
Without that thought, I realized, wow….I’m responsible, not my mom, not my dad.
So are my kids.
Now, this is not an excuse to pile on the guilt even higher. Instead, just feel into who or what you would be, without the story of it being anyone’s fault at all.
No more need to sort out this parent-child relationship thing endlessly.
Doing The Work on our parents is fantastic (and deeply valuable), very freeing and full of insights, but then let’s step back into the present moment, and see our lives freshly with new eyes.
How would I feel and behave, without my story that it’s my fault what happens with my kids? How would I think, feel, act without the story it’s my parents’ fault what happened with me
Woah.
Turning the thought around: it’s NOT my fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s their fault. There is no “fault”.
Could that be just as true, or truer?
“If you want to be a lover, you gotta be a lover of what is. Period. End of story. And if there’s contraction, you’ve got to be intimate with that….There’s a scream saying “no” but love says “yes”. Unconditional love is not trying to change anything!” ~ Adyashanti
Unconditional love is not trying to get you fixed as a parent. It doesn’t think you’re a mistake. Or you did it incorrectly, or wrong.
Here we are, all imperfect and trying and caring deeply about this dynamic between child and parent.
(Or between ourselves and ANYONE right now, who might need help)…
Could you be enough, for your kid, since you’re the one apparently the parent, in this lifetime? Could you be enough, for you?
Could you be enough, if you’re taking care of someone who’s incapacitated in some way?
I remember recognizing the difference between relaxing, surrendering, trusting the way life was unfolding for my kids without lecturing them or getting upset or making suggestions….
….and instead, listening.
I noticed, they responded more openly and shared a lot more when I wasn’t hitting myself (mentally) with a stick.
Together, we wondered about how things might work out. Together, there was talking happening, and ideas, and me fascinated with what was occurring, and love. Lots of love. With an unknown future.
And if I was nervous or stressed….I knew what to do. Take it to inquiry, on paper.
This brings me to unconditional love, every time.
It brings me to being someone without a stressful story–about me, or my kids. One thought at a time.
Speaking of family. If you’d like to join inquirers together on the phone, writing down your thoughts, moving through The Work of Byron Katie, questioning stress….come to my free gathering for USA Thanksgiving from 8:00-9:30 am Pacific Time.
Open to everyone, just bring a pen and paper or your writing device, the spirit of meditation and contemplation, and your willingness to question your thinking.
Save this email so you can connect with us all on Thursday morning this week and choose to dial-in using your phone or your computer. If you want to listen-only, select WebCast. If you’d like to be able to share out loud or ask questions, select Web-Call.
Join here: Thanksgiving Inquiry
Who would you be without the story it’s your fault?
Much love,
Grace