Month: March 2013

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Fear and Terror: Something Is Going Right

First quick: If you want to take a Saturday afternoon to do self-inquiry with a small group next weekend in Seattle (one week from today) with guidance, to bring clarity to one troubling situation or person, click here to register or just send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve a spot. No issue is too big or too small. The half-day retreat is $70.

Speaking of no issue being too big or too small….as often happens with people who come to work with me, I’ve had several wonderful inquirers comment or ask about agoraphobia all in the last month.

What a tremendously powerful and BIG issue.

In case you don’t know what agoraphobia means, it is the experience of great anxiety with wide open spaces, or the environment….the person feeling the fear feels small and helpless in this big place.

Boy, I can relate.

Have you ever stood on the edge of a big cliff, or at the top of a gigantic tall sky scraper, or even seen a photo of the open ocean, or been in the middle of a wheat field in Kansas?

The wonder and magnificence of this place can give pause to anyone, just watching it and getting a sense of how teesy tiny each one person is…and if that’s not enough…a limited life span, too.

Sometime last year, I saw on the cover of the National Geographic a young man pausing for a rest as he ascended a huge rock face in Yosemite National Park in the United States. WITHOUT ROPES.

Just seeing the photo set a little worried flutter in my stomach. I was stunned to find that I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about THAT PHOTO.

I thought I was more “advanced” than that. I thought I would not be someone who could be set off by a photo. I mean, really?

But that photo haunted me for a few days.

Fear is a very amazing energy. If you didn’t know it was fear, or if you didn’t even label it “fear” you can spend some time with this energy, and the thoughts that go with it, and see what it’s about.

What is it about this scenario that is most disturbing? I had to ask myself (ahem…in the middle of the night) with that scene of the free-climber.

Falling wouldn’t be so bad, I thought, it’s just falling—I suppose like flying. But the impact! Death! In such a short time…smashed to the ground! Gone!

“Fear is always the result of an unquestioned past imagined as a future”. ~ Byron Katie

Dying because of falling hundreds or thousands of feel would be terrible, and wrong…can I really know that this is true?

I am a miniscule speck of dust in this vast universe…and that’s not very safe. Is THAT true?

If you’re afraid, find the core belief and ask yourself, “Is it true that I need to be fearful in this situation? What is actually happening right now, physically? Where is my body (hands, arms, feet, legs, head)? What do I see (trees, walls, windows, sky)?” ~Byron Katie

YES YES! I need to be afraid of falling to my death! I need to be afraid of the hugeness of the sky!

Otherwise, I could just accidentally find myself on the edges of cliffs or floating in outer space with narry a care in the world…and wind up squashed like a bug!

I am afraid of destruction, death, annihilation, endings, physical pain.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to avoid those things? Without the thought that those things are bad?

What a strange thing to consider. I always thought it was supposed to be bad to die or get something chopped off or get sick or have something end!

How fascinating just to be open to the possibility of it not being bad.

And also, how wonderful that the experience of this thing we’re calling “fear” comes forth, to be addressed. Like a part of the mind saying “look here! this is interesting!”

 “As we get close to realizing our true nature, and even after awakening, we may fear losing control or not existing, or be terrified by the vastness beyond our limited view. Yet on the spiritual journey, fear can point the way toward a deeper realization and freedom — but only if we truly understand it.”~Adyashanti

If you are afraid, maybe rather than being spiritually retarded, you are being called to something amazing.

If you’re worried, then maybe something in you is READY, interested in transformation, understanding, seeing.

Maybe something is going right….and it’s good.

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Relief, Peace, Group Work, Change. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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The Mind Is A Cesspool (Not)

For about twenty years, seriously, I thought about going on a meditation retreat before I ever went on one.

The picture I had of meditation was of someone sitting in a lotus position, or on a chair, very very still with eyes closed and a beatific smile on their face.

That meditating person was blissed out! It was like they were catching something, tapping into a chill vibration.

It was better doing it with other people, too (said my mind). Other experienced, calm, quiet people with powerful energy.

I went to a free evening with a Transcendental Meditation trainer. I read about the amazing effects of meditation and tried closing my eyes for five minutes only to hear an insane chatter box house of noisy thoughts.

I had a sort of love/hate idea of the very THOUGHT of going on a meditation retreat. I thought I couldn’t handle the silence, but it also sounded like a dream come true.

And yet, I noticed YEARS passing by before ever signing up and going on a retreat, where the focus would be meditating.

Why the heck did I wait so long?

There was always something else to do. I had social engagements, fun-sounding events, taking care of children, people who needed me, addictive behavior and anxiety to engage in (ha ha)….life.

Going to The School for The Work was the first experience I finally had, after all those years of waiting and imagining, where there was silence and a form of meditation.

It was not eastern Indian or TM or Taoist or zen…Byron Katie simply had us do The Work, and then stay quiet. There were signs up that said SILENCE. We did not speak.

After that, I knew I could do an actual meditation retreat, with the focus on meditating. Finally. AFTER TWENTY YEARS OF WAITING.

So off I went. No books, no writing materials, no internet, no phone. That was the invitation for all.

Be with yourself and your mind. That’s enough.

And it just about killed me.

KIDDING!

But my reasons, all those years, for avoiding meditation came out loud and clear. I couldn’t stop thinking anxious, frustrated, sad or silly thoughts.

My mind would show pictures, like a movie, of moments from ten years ago, two years ago, the face of someone I got upset with, a difficult scene from childhood, sitting in church wondering what this place (earth) was all about and who is God anyway?

And my leg would hurt, my head would itch, I’d fight falling asleep, I’d think about money and how I needed to earn more. I’d start making a list in my mind for what I would do the minute I returned home. I’d think about my two kids. I’d decide to paint my room when I got back. I’d think about questions I had about this spiritual path and feel very discouraged.

I called my own mind names. I actually said to the wonderful, inspiring teacher who led the retreat (Adyashanti): “MY MIND IS A CESSPOOL!”

He smiled, and I smile now just remembering it.

Because I’ve made friends with my mind now….finally.

We still have an occasional spat, don’t get me wrong. But now I LOVE MEDITATING.

Often it feels the minute I close my eyes and sit still…”oh good, hello! nice to be here with you today….I love you!”

I didn’t TRY to love myself either, that’s the weird thing. It just wound up that the more I sat quietly, and the more I wrote my thoughts down when I was upset so that I could be with THEM quietly, with inquiry….the calmer I got.

And then I began not only to be calm, but to find my thinking sort of weird and fascinating, and then to find it hilarious. And ridiculous….but without all the name-calling and meanness.

If you have ever had the idea that you’d like to encounter your Self, your own mind, your thoughts, your love (so far I see it living in just about everyone, they don’t all see it all the time), if you’ve ever thought “I’d like to meditate” then go for it.

The WORST that could happen is you feel like your mind is killing you and you completely flip out. I’m still alive, it turns out.

The BEST that could happen is huge awareness of you beyond mind….love, calm, joy, peace, relaxation, the true experience of surrender and not needing to do anything.

“Meditation is an age-old practice that can help relieve a host of ills brought on by the fast pace of modern life. All you need to meditate is a quiet place to sit, the ability to direct your attention, and a simple meditation technique. As long as you give it a well-intentioned try, you can’t go wrong.”~ Stephen Bodian 

Don’t wait twenty years like I did! If you have a hard time doing it by yourself, there are tons of retreats where people will sit with you in quiet contemplation.

I needed the group to have it sink in as a great joy….the structure to stick with it and not run for the hills.

Go sit quietly right now for 20 minutes! Or plan the soonest time you can do it, later today maybe.

If you notice uncomfortable *thoughts* (those pesky things) then you can do The Work on them later.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’ve been longing for the structure of an afternoon small group doing The Work together, a very contemplative and amazing way to deal with stressful thinking, then come next Saturday afternoon to my little cottage 1:30-5:30 and I’ll be your guide and host for your busy mind. Send me an email if you want to sign up or have questions: grace@workwithgrace.com.

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My Feelings Must Be Stopped!

One tricky area to question one’s thinking is when it comes to what is known as addictive behavior.

When people feel addicted, they often want to focus on stopping that behavior ASAP.

People who take my class on food and eating, for example, often feel like their number one goal is stop over-eating, or dieting, or obsessing about eating and food.

Most of us know that addictive behavior—activity that feels almost impossible to stop—has root causes. It doesn’t just appear out of thin, blue air for absolutely no reason.

Human beings have studied human behavior very deeply in an effort to understand what creates an addictive experience in a person, what drives them to it, how it happens.

Even with the careful looking, there is still some mystery about it all.

Two people in the same family, but only one experiences alcoholism. A whole army of people in a war, and some suffer drug addiction, but others don’t. One person picks up a cigarette and vomits, never touching it again…another loves something about it and keeps it up their entire life.

No two people have exactly the same experience.

My own addictive behavior began with a huge overpowering feeling to eat beyond comfort, disappointed that my stomach was full.

Something in me wanted to eat more than my body could use.

When I look back at that time, so long ago (it started when I was only a teenager) I see that for me, criticism of my body came first, before the urge to overeat. I was already doing sports and loved being athletic.

But I started looking in the swim team locker room mirror and seeing hips form, and it was bad news.

I remember saying to one of my best friends while we both brushed our hair…”just look at this horrible thing (pointing to my hip)–it looks like a shelf”. My friend, with naturally thin hips, pretended to put her shampoo bottle on my “shelf”. I laughed with her, but inside I was very anxious.

I thought I wasn’t perfect in my body. I thought being skinny was better. I thought looking bony was more appealing. I thought having a very thin, muscular legs showed discipline, power, and winning.

Girls who were thin and very athletic were better, tougher, intense, controlled. Everyone liked them, or looked up to them. They were respected.

They were POWERFUL.

I swallowed that belief….hook, line and sinker!

I heard it from people all around me, the important adults in my life, the culture, the neighbors. I knew what was true, over time. I didn’t question it.

In all the studies I’ve read of anorexia (I managed to hover at anorexic weight with no binge-eating for two years) and bulimia (a ten-year problem for me) AND other addictive experiences humans have…one thing is common:

Great suffering, feelings of sadness, fear, rage, and despair.

Of course, every single human being has, at some point in their lives, difficult feelings and unpleasant thoughts. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t.

But somewhere along the road I decided that MY feelings were destroying my chance at being thin, respected, good and powerful.

My feelings must be stopped.

I got really good at controlling myself. I didn’t show big feelings, ever.

The only thing is, this bizarre thing happened. My feelings came out like geysers in totally weird areas. Like FRANTIC BINGE-EATING and then later drinking alcohol and smoking tobacco.

The whole cycle of addictive using would feel like wild, chaotic behavior followed by being so spent I had to sleep for the entire afternoon, just to get back to “normal”.

I did many things over time to heal from this terrible, horrifying cycle. But one amazing place to start, with inquiry, is to identify some key times you felt huge big feelings.

Those situations will be “gold” for your journey. The people who scared you most, frightened you, worried you or with whom you felt mad.

It may not seem like you’re doing The Work on your addiction. You may have thoughts like “this is going to take forever” or “how is THIS going to help me stop using?”

Those are just MORE stressful thoughts, that lead to discouragement.

Your feelings are out of control, bad, overwhelming, and can’t be handled by you or others….IS THAT TRUE?

Who would you be without the thought that having a huge strong feeling is dangerous?

Your feelings may be the pointers to the most amazing areas of life to look at, question, and turn around.

Keep inquiring. Keep going. You may be close to the end of a whole wall of stressful beliefs about being alive that you may soon no longer believe in any more.

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.” ~Byron Katie

Give yourself a chance to sit with your feelings, and your memories, and find out if you can handle them.

I’m here to tell you….you can.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you want to give yourself the gift of an entire afternoon of looking at your beliefs, come to Seattle on April 6th to my little cottage and do The Work 1:30-5:30. Come back on May 18th and there’s a discount if you sign up for both. Scroll down to the In-Person workshops below to see the registration link. You never know what can change in one intensive session of self-inquiry!

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Relief, Peace, Group Work, Change. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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Do You Think You’re Being Punished?

The most recent teleclass on Money (called Earning Money) was so powerful for me. One participant identified this stressful belief in her life….a common and very painful belief:

The Universe Is Punishing Me!

For me, this belief can be present in a sort of underlying, secretive way. I can strut around like I don’t believe it, but there is a little seed of doubt….even if I DON’T BELIEVE THIS THOUGHT.

The ways this thought pop in as being possible are with what I call the old One-Two Punch of IF-THEN.

IF – THEN. It starts with a fabulous logical, even mathematical line of thinking. The mind just LOVES analyzing if/then.

  • If I jump off this cliff, then I will fall to the bottom down below
  • If I sit in sun and my skin is light, then it will burn
  • If I take that money, then I will get caught and go to jail
  • If I get sick, then I ate the wrong food
  • If my partner breaks up with me, then I was too mean/critical/bitchy/nervous (etc)
  • If I lose my job or lose my money, then I did something wrong
  • If someone opposes my success, then I got too powerful

Since I am experiencing something that feels painful, I am being punished.

Is that true?

The internal karma police can get really nit-picky about events and experiences…the mind very interested in finding out what went wrong, who did it, and how to balance things back to FAIR.

Punishment is defined as an aversive experience, something unpleasant. People locked up in jail are being punished for committing crimes. People who are flogged are being punished for bothering or hurting someone, maybe someone in authority over them. People who are shunned or cast out of a group are being punished for difficult behavior.

Punishment begins to look like anything unpleasant. People will think they are being punished if they get cancer, or lose money in the stock market, or if a friend withdraws contact.

But can you know that this is true?

No, I sure can’t. I can’t know if its true that anyone is being punished when troubling things occur to them, or to me. In fact, with The Work and inquiry, over time, I can’t even be sure if something IS troubling.

I find that when I’m already down the path of “logical” (ha ha) thinking that I KNOW when something wrong is happening, or something right is happening, and I’m 100% in-the-know about it…then I see how fast my mind takes a position without questioning it.

It’s definitely NOT relaxing to believe the stressful thought that I know what’s right and what’s wrong.

Have you ever spent time around someone who is certain that punishment is necessary for someone else? Or that they deserve punishment themselves?

Very painful, very closed and heavy…like cement. Not loving, quite powerless, and an energy-drain.

“As soon as the mind pulls out an agenda and decides what needs to change, that’s unreality. Life doesn’t need to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. Life doesn’t need to know the “right” way to go because it’s going there anyway. Then you start to get a hint of why the mind, in a deep sense of liberation, tends to get very quiet. It doesn’t have its job anymore. It has its usefulness, but it doesn’t have its full-time occupation of sustaining an intricately fabricated house of cards.” ~ Adyashanti

Who would you be without the thought that punishment is happening, or reward, or that someone “deserves” some difficult consequence?

What if the turnaround is true…that YOU are punishing the Universe, by withholding your love for yourself, or your respect and honesty for others, or your mis-interpretations of situations?

I discovered that the moment I believe in punishment, I believe in revenge, suffering, absence of love, the need for control, righteousness, anger, attack. The moment I believe punishment motivates me or anyone else, I believe in a very temporary motivation.

“People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That’s not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn’t understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you’re given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.” ~ Pema Chodron

What if the universe is friendly? Can you imagine this being true, even if that mean person wants you to pay for your evil ways….or you condemn yourself for having made mistakes in the past?

Try imagining it and see who you are without the thought that the Universe is capable of punishment.

Oh wow, I feel a sense of enormous joy, connection and happiness starting to seep in.

Love, Grace

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Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven Teleclass – One Spot Left

This Friday there is indeed one space left in the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. We have so much fun. Start with one person in your life with whom you struggle, even if they are long gone.

For me, given a few minutes, my mind scans for who I DO NOT have an ideal, peaceful, stable, loving relationship with….and if it’s left up to the little individual small “me” mind…then I can put my judgmental thoughts on ANYONE.

You can come to this class with judgments about your spouse, or your mother, father, sister, brother, boss, co-worker, best friend, teacher, next-door neighbor, that person who is in a committee with you, your dog.

Seriously, this is about looking at any relationship that creates some kind of concern, sadness, upset of any kind, and taking a really good look.

There is no guarantee of peace, or “answers” or resolve, or change….but oh how amazing to simply look with depth and clarity at this relationship.

You are not required to look at only ONE relationship, you can switch any time and move to another one.

If this is the time for you, to get support and look with fresh eyes, then come on over. We meet via phone or skype. Click here to read more or to register.

The way I see it, we’re all in this together. I know that’s been said before. But I keep finding it a fun and supportive thought. Here’s some comments from amazing teleclass participants:

Discovering Life Flowing As It Should
“Thanks, Grace, ‘I need to be accepted’ really nails it for me.  After class yesterday I was thinking that rejection is just a concept and nothing at all until I attach a meaning to it.  What I perceive as rejection from someone is perhaps just life flowing along and moving as it should.  Reality.  My suffering is when I think it should be different.  It was such a great concept to do The Work on.” ~ BW class participant 
 
Wow…An Opportunity To Find Neutral Acceptance Over What Was Once Scary
Grace, I just have to say – again – how wonderful you are. Your own energy is a healing by itself, and for your playfulness and respect, your old stuck-ness and your true light-ness to couch and hold and talk about all these topics is a wonderful healing of anyone– an opportunity to get taste of what neutral acceptance and seniority over what were once scary things looks and vibrates/feels like. You da bomb, Gracie! THIS is the energy we be wantin more of in da world!” ~ DY class participant

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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She Hates Me

Several readers asked me, after yesterday’s post on Jealousy: How should I handle someone’s jealousy of ME?  

Oh boy do I know about THAT stressful belief.

I used to get a very uneasy feeling in childhood, as the oldest of four sisters, that there was some upset because I got to do many things first, that I was better at a lot of stuff because I had an extra year or two on everyone else developmentally, and that I had the most power.

I was the director of many of the games, I literally directed some “shows” and cast my sisters in various parts, and I probably was easiest for my mom to talk with…seeing as I could actually speak English instead of toddler-talk.

It was only circumstances….but still this uneasy, sick feeling of sensing that those other people I loved (my three sisters) were separate from me, looking up to me, comparing themselves to me.

It wasn’t fair.

Everyone agreed. NOT FAIR!

The kinds of thoughts about those other people can start like this:

  • She hates my advantage, I started sooner
  • He feels inadequate around me
  • She thinks she is less beautiful than me and it troubles her
  • He thinks that if he were as confident as me, he’d feel happier
  • She thinks I am closer to the boss (or mom, or dad, or that other friend) than she is
  • He thinks I am more spiritually advanced, peaceful, calmer than he is
  • He thinks I am more successful than he is
  • She thinks I am more creative than she is

And what is actually BAD about all this occurring? What is troubling about these people in our lives comparing themselves and finding themselves falling short, in our presence?

For me, it feels sad. I feel disconnected. Out in a field alone.

“It’s lonely at the top”. Probably coined by the oldest child in a family.

But is it true? Are you sure it’s really, really bad when someone else is looking at you through green-monster eyes?

There they are, being themselves, jealous as all get-out. Do you need to suppress yourself, change your ways, watch out for the danger of their meanness, or stay wary of their vicious attacks?

Do you have to stop loving them? Withdraw yourself from their presence?

Who would you be without the thought that they can hurt you, if they feel jealous? Who would you be without the thought that they can bring you down, “make” you feel sad, or create bigger disconnection, war, problems, conflict, negative experiences?

Their jealousy is BAD NEWS….is it true?

No. I look at them all and their dear, darling faces…everyone doing the best they can with what they know and who they are…and I have huge compassion for being where they are.

My heart is open and full with love for them. If they can’t comfortably accept it…that’s OK too. They need to be who they are.

Getting away from me might be the best thing that ever happened to them. No more comparison, no more falling short.

I turn it all around: He doesn’t think I’m better, she doesn’t think I’m better…I don’t have any advantages or extra specialness…everyone has their own perfect path…there is no true comparing, every journey very unique, and ultimately none of it matters. 

Even if I am the only one to feel appreciation for that incredible person who is in the moment experiencing jealousy of me, that’s OK.

Even if they are hell-bent at my destruction, or obsessed at hoping for my failure, or hurting themselves through their own comparison….even while they are suffering, and maybe blind to their own beauty….I have great compassion for their experience.

I remember what it’s like to feel like I am not enough myself. It hurts, even if it’s a lie.

“When another person suffers, there’s nothing I can do about that, except maybe to put my arms around them or bring them a cup of tea and let them know that I’m totally available. But that’s where it must end. The rest is up to them. And because I made it through, I know that they can do it. I am NOT special.”~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names For Joy

I feel the love for that person, and then move on, that appears to be the most peaceful thing to do.

It will be sweet as can be if they come with me…but if they can’t, or won’t, then that’s really OK too.

I remember how hard that was to not believe at the most core level that all is well, that love is the greatest power of all, and that no one is truly threatening.

Love, Grace

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Cure Jealousy: Have A Love Affair With Yourself

The other day a reader wrote to ask about how to deal with her jealousy of a close friend.

Funny, this experience of jealousy also came up with a client during an individual session this past week.

Jealousy is torturous to feel for the people who feel it. They’ll admit this openly, but oh that mind keeps fixating on the person out there who seems more perfect, fun, rich, beautiful, confident, athletic, lucky.

The greatest Shakespearean scenes are developed out of the Great Green Eyed Monster: JEALOUSY!

Green, the color of sickness, rot, mold, decay.

Jealousy is described as a most dreadful, terrible insecurity…it feels insane. It seems to drive people into vicious behavior, or taking action that is vengeful, not peaceful at all.

But who would we be without the story that other people shouldn’t do all the things we get jealous of in life?

What if everyone is being just as they are, so amazing, attractive, beautiful, successful….and it is fabulous that they are in our lives, being that way.

What is underneath this jealous feeling? For me, it’s “I am not enough“. Always.

Are you truly sure that you are not enough? Not enough for what? To keep your lover monogamous? Are you sure it’s got something to do with you?

What if you were absolutely 100% enough? What if you had enough, did enough, lived enough, accomplished enough? What if it is just right, the amount you are?

What if you can look at your situation and ask who you would be without the thought that you are not enough? Or that THEY are not enough?

The thing is, everyone already deeply knows that they themselves are the most fascinating, curious, fabulous person they’ve ever known!

Yes, you read that correctly.

But we’re not supposed to think of ourselves as sooooo wonderful! That would be egotistical! That would be narcissistic! Self-centered! Evil! Narrow-minded!

And yet, we KNOW we are the ones who are the most interesting of any people we’ve ever encountered. We ourselves are the only ones who have been here through everything we’ve ever been through. We’re the only ones we can truly depend on.

If you really sink into this self, this interesting entity that lives who you seem to embody…and you follow your curiosity about who you really are…you can sense a gratefulness for being alive, a core joy, an excitement about the mystery of ALL THIS…..

It’s unfathomable, amazing.

It doesn’t matter if other people come, go, stay, flirt, leave, achieve, or look different than YOU.

You don’t care, because you are the love of your life! No one else can do anything to change that!

“I have this amazing love affair with myself going on, because I realize what that Self is. There just cannot be another!” ~ Byron Katie

If this seems like a far stretch, and you are caught in the pain of jealousy or envy, or fear that you are not enough…then write down what is not enough about you, and inquire.

Too old, too saggy, too slow, too poor, too boring, too out of shape, too dull, too plain. Why are these bad things? Why would it be better to be young, firm, quick, rich, exciting, in shape, sharp, and gorgeous?

When you begin to see the crazy thinking, the absurdity, the way you’ve believed that you could miss out on something or not “get there”….when you turn your jealous thoughts around…

…you’ll be free!

Have an amazing love affair with yourself! I highly recommend it! It will be the best love affair you’ve ever ever had!

Love, Grace

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Home Mysterious Home

First a very quick note on upcoming events happening soon:
*8 week teleclass next Friday, March 29th 8 – 9:30 am Pacific time. Click link below to register. Now only 1 spot left.
http://workwithgrace.com/teleclasses-to-change/turning-relationship-hell-to-heaven/

*In-person Seattle 4 hour mini-retreats in Seattle: Saturdays, April 6th and May 18, 2013 1:30-5:30 pm $70 or $125 for both includes handouts, snacks, tea, small group

The other day I was thinking about homesickness. Someone mentioned that they felt terribly homesick when they were a child on a regular basis.

The feeling of being “at home” entirely 100% of the time is actually pretty elusive for many humans.

Sometimes, we go somewhere and have the feeling “THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!” I’ve heard this is the experience of “trekkies” attending Star Trek Conventions.

Sometimes, not so much. As when I once came across a huge dog-convention by accident when walking in a park in an unfamiliar town.

I was absolutely fascinated by the commitment, interest and focus by the hundreds of people I walked past, all with their dogs.

But I wasn’t homesick….so there’s something more to homesickness than feeling like you can’t relate or you don’t fit in or you don’t share an interest with others….although these qualities often rub salt in the wound.

Homesick in the dictionary means nostalgic for “home”, longing for home after some long absence from it.

So where is “home”, anyway? Is it in childhood? Is it the house you grew up in? Is it your favorite place you’ve ever lived? Is it your family? Is it a specific relationship? Is it your religion? Your spiritual path? Your body? A teacher?

Once you look at any of these, none of them are permanent, none of them last, none of them feel like home ALL the time.

Unless of course, you abide in yourself.

And what is that? What is YOURSELF?

Ahhh, the great mysterious and wonderful question of all time.

It’s been a process of elimination over many years. Kind of like the book “Are You My Mother?” that was read to me growing up.

Is Home here? Is Home there? Is Home up here? Is Home over that direction? Oi. So much traveling!

The mind will tell us that we need to hunt, seek, and discover very complex and endless locations or teachings before we can find “home”.

Never quite “getting” there, close but no cigar!

One of my favorite ways to stop the pushy, seeky, get-it type feeling is to REST. Just rest. Stop. Like you’re taking a big fat break.

Sit there for awhile. A good thing to “do” if your mind wants to do something incessantly is Inquiry.

Ask yourself what this resting place is. Look around. Ask yourself if it’s true that you have to find home, and you’re not there right now?

Are you sure you didn’t bring home with you?

“One must be willing to stand alone–in the unknown, with no reference to the known or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility.” ~ Adyashanti

Maybe the weirdest places, the ones that at first seem unfamiliar, yet familiar, far away, yet close, are all a part of “home”. Maybe no matter how bizarre your environment, or how strange and unusual the atmosphere…home is present.

“We hammer wood for a house, but it is the inner space that makes it livable.” ~ Tao Te Ching #11

Love, Grace

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Furniture Assembly Wars

I’ve been living with my adorable husband for 4 years now, and known for five, but never had the opportunity to assembly a piece of IKEA furniture together.

If you haven’t put IKEA furniture together before….you’re in for an adventure in analysis, patience, deciphering code, and victory.

We put a wardrobe together for 5 hours….well, ALMOST put it together.

Was that worth the cost of the reduced fee for a sturdy pine wardrobe, I ask? And let’s define sturdy, by the way…

But I digress!

The most important thing I found very intriguing was my inner thought patterns that flowed out towards this person I know very well, my team mate on this project. Goal = get wardrobe built.

During that goal….oh look. Gosh, was that ME who was thinking such things?

  • I could do this by myself faster
  • Lining up the screws in perfectly spaced order is totally unnecessary
  • Don’t step there with your dirty shoe!
  • Did I say faster? That this should be going faster?
  • Who moved the hammer?
  • If I had more money, I would have paid for an already-built wardrobe
  • Why don’t you know how to do this kind of thing blind-folded?
  • Where is the FLAT HEAD screw driver?
  • Give me the directions!
  • What time is it…I thought this would be done faster

The whole thing was hysterically funny, really.

I was like a dog holding a bone and you would have to kill me to get it. I was not leaving that room until that thing was put together, come hell or high water.

At midnight, we turned in. With the doors not yet assembled.

AAARRRRGHGHGHGHG!

Heh heh, not that I would take a little furniture assembly seriously or anything.

The Work can be applied on any stressful situation.

Even if the stress is mild. Even if you have NO investment and it’s totally and completely 100% fine with you that things are going EXACTLY the way they are and it’s NO BIG DEAL, and who cares…it’s only a piece of furniture!

This should go faster. Is that true?

Can I absolutely know that everything would be BETTER if this thing went faster? Am I sure that this is not fun? And that HE should know how to put this together without even looking at the directions? Is it really annoying when someone else does it differently?

What are the advantages of doing this little mini project in life?

Who would I be without the thought that this task is irritating, time-consuming, or unimportant? Or that I can do it better alone?

What daily tasks do you find irritating or less-than-pleasurable? What’s the payoff in finding them unpleasant?

The thing is, even small teensy little incidents or tasks can be experienced joyfully or with attack.

Like driving in traffic, picking up groceries, going to the library, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, going to the gym.

These are the things we do most repeatedly in our lives, after all. What if they were not just ho-hum, and not irritating, but WONDERFUL?

The way I know out of the idea that something is unpleasant is to question it. The sooner the better.

No. It should not go faster. No, it should not go as I command. No, I do not know how to do this but I can follow directions and so can my companion. Everything is OK. In fact, this is quite magical. There are only pictures on the directions, but we are doing it without words. It’s a game. The hammer moves, the screw driver appears, someone explains what they just figured out, hands all operate together to lift, turn, create. 

It should go exactly the speed it is going. This wardrobe, this traffic, that appointment, that phone call, this day, that taxi ride, this road-service phone call, that ambulance, this test, that shopping trip….this life.

This experience should go exactly as it is going.

In fact, it’s beyond me to think about ordering moments, space, knowledge and time around. And wardrobes.

That’s the job of Something Else.

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.”~Tao Te Ching #64

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

 
Posted on

Give Evil Nothing To Oppose

Resistance is Futile!

One of the most fun and well-used quotes from Star Trek.

And an idea that enters my experience of life over and over: when I resist something that is happening, it hurts, uses a lot of energy, and often turns out to be futile.

But what is meant by resistance, exactly, in this context? Especially when we mean that having it will amount to nothing, offer nothing, that having it won’t matter one way or the other….we’ll still wind up in the same place.

I have a picture in my mind of a tiny ant shaking its fist at a huge elephant coming its way. The ant is digging in its heals, furious, enraged, building a barricade, setting up forces so that it is not stepped on. The enormity of the elephant being itself, walking along with the ant directly in its path, is simply too much.

The tricky part about this thing called “resistance” is that often, we don’t study it, we’re just in it, like swimming inside resistance-soup. Busy building the barricade instead of getting out of the way.

What part is actually futile and where is the sensation to be resistant coming from? Is there anger or fear present? Do I have an internal “no” that wants to be spoken? What’s going on in this moment of wanting to set up a barrier against a situation? What is happening when I feel resistance?

The other day I was reading about physical pain, and then emotional pain.

It occurred to me, for the ten-thousandth time, that fear is a fascinating reaction to life events.

Something happens, then the body quickly has a response with adrenaline shooting through the arms and chest, the stomach flip-flopping, images of what will happen crossing the mind, the heart beating faster.

The body says RUUUUUNNNNN! or FIIIIGHTTTT!

Energy surges through the body. There’s an urge to strike, attack, or escape and hide.

There are famous stories about people foiling their enemies, receiving justice, and being set free.

Picture the scene in the Sound of Music when the whole VonTrapp family is hiking on foot over the mountains, with only the clothing on their back, into a free country, and the refrain “Climb every mountain…”

We all clap for joy! They made it!

In that moment, it appears that resistance was not futile. They ran, they were free.

Back to looking at “resistance” and what we really, really mean.

Because sometimes, in very critical and crucial situations, it is indeed futile….

For me, as I’ve studied this over time, I find that I used to think that NON-resistance was passivity.

Not resisting meant being apathetic, suppressing fear, not showing I cared, not saying no, not speaking up, not taking action.

Resistors were trouble-makers, rogues, defiant people, too outspoken, rebels.

But studying “resistance” more deeply, in my unique situations, I find I have the answer to what is futile even if I take only a tiny half-second to consider and be with it.

You already generally know when its futile and when its not.

When action is appropriate, honorable, has integrity, and is open-minded, you will take action that will move with the greatest ease.

When non-action contains the most integrity and honesty for you, that will be right.

The feeling to look at is feeling AGAINST the whole situation. Screaming “NO!” in your mind. Feeling hate for someone, or extreme disappointment, or deep grief. Believing with intensity that you can’t handle this, or this is such a terrible situation that you must get frantic.

Are you sure it’s 100% terrible?

“The instruction isn’t then to ‘smash ahead and karate-chop that whole thing’; the instruction is to soften, to connect with your heart and engender a basic attitude of generosity and compassion toward yourself…” ~Pema Chodron

Pema Chodron suggests that we can cultivate warriorship AND a gentle heart and clarity.

Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, ’til you find your dream. 

Set to music, this is joyful. Here comes the elephant…it looks like the best plan is to move. It’s not even a plan…it’s just the way it goes.

Warrior clarity.

Life powerfully expressing itself, non-resistantly, open and courageous. Changing. Free.

“Center your country in the Tao and evil will have no power. Not that it isn’t there, but you’ll be able to step out of its way. Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself.” ~Tao Te Ching #60

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday tele classes * 2 in-person retreats. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach