For about twenty years, seriously, I thought about going on a meditation retreat before I ever went on one.
The picture I had of meditation was of someone sitting in a lotus position, or on a chair, very very still with eyes closed and a beatific smile on their face.
That meditating person was blissed out! It was like they were catching something, tapping into a chill vibration.
It was better doing it with other people, too (said my mind). Other experienced, calm, quiet people with powerful energy.
I went to a free evening with a Transcendental Meditation trainer. I read about the amazing effects of meditation and tried closing my eyes for five minutes only to hear an insane chatter box house of noisy thoughts.
I had a sort of love/hate idea of the very THOUGHT of going on a meditation retreat. I thought I couldn’t handle the silence, but it also sounded like a dream come true.
And yet, I noticed YEARS passing by before ever signing up and going on a retreat, where the focus would be meditating.
Why the heck did I wait so long?
There was always something else to do. I had social engagements, fun-sounding events, taking care of children, people who needed me, addictive behavior and anxiety to engage in (ha ha)….life.
Going to The School for The Work was the first experience I finally had, after all those years of waiting and imagining, where there was silence and a form of meditation.
It was not eastern Indian or TM or Taoist or zen…Byron Katie simply had us do The Work, and then stay quiet. There were signs up that said SILENCE. We did not speak.
After that, I knew I could do an actual meditation retreat, with the focus on meditating. Finally. AFTER TWENTY YEARS OF WAITING.
So off I went. No books, no writing materials, no internet, no phone. That was the invitation for all.
Be with yourself and your mind. That’s enough.
And it just about killed me.
KIDDING!
But my reasons, all those years, for avoiding meditation came out loud and clear. I couldn’t stop thinking anxious, frustrated, sad or silly thoughts.
My mind would show pictures, like a movie, of moments from ten years ago, two years ago, the face of someone I got upset with, a difficult scene from childhood, sitting in church wondering what this place (earth) was all about and who is God anyway?
And my leg would hurt, my head would itch, I’d fight falling asleep, I’d think about money and how I needed to earn more. I’d start making a list in my mind for what I would do the minute I returned home. I’d think about my two kids. I’d decide to paint my room when I got back. I’d think about questions I had about this spiritual path and feel very discouraged.
I called my own mind names. I actually said to the wonderful, inspiring teacher who led the retreat (Adyashanti): “MY MIND IS A CESSPOOL!”
He smiled, and I smile now just remembering it.
Because I’ve made friends with my mind now….finally.
We still have an occasional spat, don’t get me wrong. But now I LOVE MEDITATING.
Often it feels the minute I close my eyes and sit still…”oh good, hello! nice to be here with you today….I love you!”
I didn’t TRY to love myself either, that’s the weird thing. It just wound up that the more I sat quietly, and the more I wrote my thoughts down when I was upset so that I could be with THEM quietly, with inquiry….the calmer I got.
And then I began not only to be calm, but to find my thinking sort of weird and fascinating, and then to find it hilarious. And ridiculous….but without all the name-calling and meanness.
If you have ever had the idea that you’d like to encounter your Self, your own mind, your thoughts, your love (so far I see it living in just about everyone, they don’t all see it all the time), if you’ve ever thought “I’d like to meditate” then go for it.
The WORST that could happen is you feel like your mind is killing you and you completely flip out. I’m still alive, it turns out.
The BEST that could happen is huge awareness of you beyond mind….love, calm, joy, peace, relaxation, the true experience of surrender and not needing to do anything.
“Meditation is an age-old practice that can help relieve a host of ills brought on by the fast pace of modern life. All you need to meditate is a quiet place to sit, the ability to direct your attention, and a simple meditation technique. As long as you give it a well-intentioned try, you can’t go wrong.”~ Stephen Bodian
Don’t wait twenty years like I did! If you have a hard time doing it by yourself, there are tons of retreats where people will sit with you in quiet contemplation.
I needed the group to have it sink in as a great joy….the structure to stick with it and not run for the hills.
Go sit quietly right now for 20 minutes! Or plan the soonest time you can do it, later today maybe.
If you notice uncomfortable *thoughts* (those pesky things) then you can do The Work on them later.
Love, Grace
P.S. If you’ve been longing for the structure of an afternoon small group doing The Work together, a very contemplative and amazing way to deal with stressful thinking, then come next Saturday afternoon to my little cottage 1:30-5:30 and I’ll be your guide and host for your busy mind. Send me an email if you want to sign up or have questions: grace@workwithgrace.com.