Do The Work….what was distorted will become beautiful
If you like to question your stressful thinking….
….then of course, when you get to spend all day with Byron Katie you’re gonna have an awesome day.
Here in Seattle last Saturday we got to have the incredible privilege of Katie and 750 people together, investigating the profound undertaking of human suffering.
It wasn’t exactly what you’d call a “light” day of inquiry.
Although….the opening volunteer who rose to sit on the stage with Katie started us off so beautifully….
….it was like the warm glow of a campfire in the night.
With tears in his eyes, because he was so touched by questioning his criticism of his partner, a man examined closely his thoughts about a dirty kitchen and why his partner never cleaned it.
We’ve all been there with that issue, right?
It’s an irritant, like a persistent mosquito, to hold the belief endlessly that someone else should clean up.
At one point, this man turned into the audience and looked up into the balcony.
He called “I’m sorry, honey!”
Turns out, his partner was right there, and Katie said…”Oh! Your partner is here? Come to the stage!”
Everyone was so touched by the love glowing bright between these two people who had been married for many years.
And then….
….the second person who came up on stage was a amazingly courageous woman who had suffered what sounded like horrible sexual abuse from her father for many years.
Abuse of the innocent seems like some of the sickest, most frightening and dreadful experiences that exists in humanity.
It goes in the category of The Worst That Could Ever Happen.
Murder, war, violence, rage, hatred, rape, earthquakes, prejudice.
The stories that make you want to not be a part of the human race.
The stories that feel too hard to face sometimes.
But that’s what people are doing with The Work.
And this woman did her work, with so many peoples’ support, right there on stage with Katie, helping us all to heal rather than suffer anymore.
Knowing that even the perpetrators are suffering….or they would not do what they do.
The next man who went up on stage to do The Work with Katie had just lost his son to suicide.
Tears welled up in my eyes for so much pain felt by a father, and his three surviving daughters.
I sometimes think….how can people live through all this?
It is so painful.
Such hard things happen….what is wrong with the world??!!??
*Ping*
That’s the deepest source of suffering of all.
Believing there is something dreadfully wrong with the world.
We can see the “proof” in our minds, as we think of all these terrible things that occur to people, everywhere.
We’re so sure it’s true.
See here, and there, and here? Look at all these people. So many tears. So much agony. So many people going crazy. So much unspeakable darkness.
But who would you be without the belief that these difficult experiences are Un-Handle-able?
Who would you be without the belief that it’s not possible to heal?
Who would you be without the belief it’s a hard, dark, difficult world and life is hard, dark and difficult?
What if you couldn’t believe that thought in this moment?
Look around.
Touch the chair you’re sitting in.
Feel the air on your face. Look at the room you’re in. Hear the sounds in your environment. Notice what is still, and quiet, and safe right now in this moment….
….even if you’ve been through rough times in the past.
Who would you be without putting your conditions for happiness on the world?
Seriously, like what if you didn’t know as much as you think you know about suffering?
What if you’re wrong about The Worst?
What if it is possible to be happy again, no matter you’ve experienced, no matter how horrendous?
“Do The Work, and everything that was distorted will become beautiful.” ~ Byron Katie in Seattle Jan 2016
“I try to move from what is to what is not, from what is to my image of what should be–and that is my suffering, that is my frustration, that is my despair….The healing you really long for is the deepest acceptance of pain….the healing you really long for is the healing from your identity as the victim of pain.” ~ Jeff Foster in the Deepest Acceptance
Once again, as I did my own work while listening to others break their hearts open, mine broke open wider, too.
I realized, for another time….
….this work is not about accepting all the terrible things, or condoning any of them, or wishing ill upon anyone, or punishing anyone, or damning others or myself for all time and staying stuck in hatred or fear.
This work is about surrendering to what is and discovering….
….it is never all darkness, it is never all lost forever.
Creativity and new life and love come out of the ashes.
Happiness and peace are here again for you.
Right now.
Except for your thoughts, are you OK?
Much love, Grace
NEW: March weekend retreat on Abundance, Desire, and Wanting. Doing The Work on what keeps us from what we really want: Reality Now! March 25-27. Friday night through Sunday afternoon. $295.
Want to feel the power of love? Question your thoughts about what you (and others) might think about you
I was watching my own video the other day.
Jeez.
What a rambler.
Often, our most critical voices….
….well, let’s face it….
….USUALLY our most critical voices are directed towards ourselves.
We look at us, being us, and we think….
….good grief, ugh.
If I were watching this (and I were another person) I’d find this unorganized, wandering around all over the place, and I’d wonder what the heck is this person even saying?
Dang!
The thing is, most of us then believe these self-critical thoughts are “true” and additionally that they are “absolutely true”.
No other option.
Is there something in your life that you do regularly, where your immediate response or assessment of yourself is that you suck?
It can happen anywhere, any time.
You’re just walking down the street, and you have a thought of that conversation you had with your old friend, or your co-worker, or your boss, or your mom.
You get a sick feeling inside, because you really feel you didn’t handle that situation well.
Or maybe you feel embarrassed about something you did.
Or the way you appear, like I did when I saw myself.
It’s so good to explore this process, and see what’s really going on.
First question: what is TERRIBLE about the “mistake” you’ve made?
What’s the worst that could happen?
Be entirely honest about your worry.
What’s the danger….when someone displays this kind of behavior, words, appearance, “mistake”?
What are you afraid of?
OK, so in my situation, I’m looking at myself on screen rambling away.
What’s the worst that could happen, because of this video, this quality I’m showing and displaying (ramble ramble no inspiring point)?
My answer: other people will also think this, and they’ll miss the message. They’ll reject the message.
They’ll say….what the hell is she talking about?
And go away.
Abandonment. Rejection.
Irritation directed towards me from others.
Every single time I believe I’m doing it wrong, or made a mistake, or appearing like a loser….
….I can guarantee I’ll find Someone Else who might see me through the same eyes.
The next question is…..WHO?
In my case, the people who I think might agree with me that I was rambling on without being clear about my point, are people suffering from compulsive behavior (especially eating)….
….what I’m talking about and the way I’m talking Is Not Helping!
They’ll be disappointed, and leave.
They’ll think….she’s no good, she doesn’t know how to deliver her message, she’s boring, she’s unclear.
At worst, they could not only leave, but spread the word that I’m totally Un-Helpful. They could tell other people to keep away from me.
Yeah, it may seem absurd, but to accept these pictures inside is easier than trying to suppress and attack them and hide them and try to “think positive”.
Because when they’re out in the open, you can take a closer look at the beliefs, and investigate them through inquiry, just to see what’s really, really true for you.
Do you want to know the truth?
So now, because of my own thoughts about me, I can find what I believe others are capable of thinking about me, too, and what would be dangerous about it.
What would their judgments mean for me?
It would mean I won’t have clients, and I won’t have success, and I won’t be a helpful person of service in this world who makes a difference.
From here, I get to see what my mind secretly believes in, that produces pain, suffering and stress.
My belief system here: People will only be served if I’m crystal clear, direct and don’t ramble. They will not receive support if I’m rambling. And I actually need to serve.
Let’s inquire.
Is that true that I’ll only serve if I don’t ramble?
No.
How do I know it?
I’ve been super rambly, I haven’t been clear, and I’ve still served a whole lot of people.
It’s OK to be however I’ve been.
How do I react when I believe in anti-rambling….and I’ve rambled?
Ouch.
Tight. Unhappy. Self-critical. Worried. Needy.
Worried about how to improve or fix myself. Signing up for self-improvement classes out of fear (not out of the fun of it or wanting to learn more).
So who would I be without the belief that I absolutely HAVE TO be clear, direct and never ramble…..in order to serve people?
What if I stepped out of that old mental Dictator paradigm, that the mind loves….
….where it gets crackin’ on the “problem” and solving it without inquiring if what it’s believing is actually even true?
Wait.
You mean I can be however I am, in any given moment?
Yes. Hello!
It doesn’t mean improvement doesn’t naturally happen. It doesn’t mean I don’t re-shoot the video, after greater clarity. It doesn’t mean anything “terrible”.
What if you turned this thought around?
People will only be served if I’m honestly myself, being who I am. They will receive support if I’m rambling. The only way I’ll become clearer about my message and way of speaking is to be myself, authentically me, a human being and not a fake version of someone more perfect.
And, “I” don’t need to serve. It’s not an emergency. It’s not a fundamental “need” like I need food or water. I can naturally serve by being myself, and life shows me what is required, and what serves, and I follow this easily….because it’s the most fun, the greatest joy.
Continuing to explore turning this all around again:
I am the one who will be served if I’m crystal clear, direct and don’t ramble with myself. I won’t receive my own support if I’m rambling.
“I” need to serve the end of my self-judgment, the acceptance of being a human being, the sweetness of enlightenment that’s not up to me.
I am served when people are super clear with me, I notice. I love it when they’re direct.
I also love the flow of rambling brooks, and direct waterfalls, both.
Why would I be against any of these qualities, all of which are present in reality?
Rambling can help things slow down, create a feeling of softness and silence, serve as a reminder that words are not important in the end.
Peace is.
“I’ve come to see that every thought is about identification….Until you come to love yourself, there’s no way to understand that love is the power and hate is not. When people abuse themselves mentally–that’s how we abuse ourselves emotionally of course, with thoughts that just are not true, with the mind that attacks us–You train yourselves to believe that violence is how. It blocks the awareness that love is the power.” ~ Byron Katie in Your Inner Awakening
If you’ve noticed self-critical, or abusive thoughts towards the self, or violence about what you’re like or who you are…..
…..be honest and see why on earth you would really “need” to be different.
What are you afraid you won’t get, or won’t achieve, or won’t be?
Those two tendons or whatever they are that come up the back of your head….oy.
They were like a headache but in the neck, and I don’t get headaches hardly ever (one thing I do NOT have a propensity towards most of my life, kinda nice).
After some discussion with family members, I realized it’s probably the slight bend down position I’m taking as I write, and look at the computer all day with people on skype, or look (again, at the computer) at my screen during the teleconference classes I teach.
Uh oh.
Could it be I am looking at a computer too much?
This never happened before like this.
My mind kicked in with a few stressful thoughts.
It’s hilarious how dramatic they were.
“I have to stop doing what I do for a living!”
“It’s all down hill from here!”
“My eyes are getting worse and worse!”
If you’ve ever had a condition that created pain, whether mild or very big pain….
….the mind often has the opinion that it should go away, naturally.
Nothing wrong with this, but you can also get super stressed about it. The pain is bad, it could return, I don’t ever want it to come back again, I hate this, my life sucks with this pain, this is a terrible situation.
I notice, with the thought, I feel discouraged and tired. Almost like a giving up sensation.
Why bother. Woah is me. Sad day.
But who would you be without the belief that it’s TERRIBLE to have pain?
Interesting, right?
I notice it doesn’t mean I don’t take an ibuprofen, or go to the doctor, or change up my seating position at home, or seek counsel where I can to help heal, or love when someone brings me food because I’m too broken to go get it myself (like my hamstring operation two years ago).
It feels different, not feeling terrible about pain or sickness. It feels different not feeling hopeless about pain or sickness.
Maybe that alone is so sweet and tender, it holds the entire experience differently.
I turn the thought around: my neck hurting is……wonderful?
LOL.
It’s not to be weird about it. Only looking to see, could there be advantages?
Can I notice what is OK, even if something in the body hurts?
I look around the room, I turn off my computer, I decide to go dance instead of working on a proposal for an upcoming conference.
“How To Love Yourself by Jeff Foster
When you change your focus what is absent to what is present, what is missing to what has been given, what you are not towards what you are, the ravages of linear time to the immediacy of Now you’re reconnecting with love, truth and beauty, and abundance is yours, effortlessly.
For truly, nothing is missing here, where you are, nothing is missing in this present scene in the movie of your life, and are forever busy, and at a point of completeness.
The only reason why you can not find the Unit it is because it never came out.
Don’t evolve yourself beyond your own evolution. If you can’t or don’t cook….accept reality.
I admit it.
I’d like to be like Someone Awesome.
You know that person out there, who is genius at doing something you want to do?
That person you admire?
Maybe you keep it secret, to yourself.
But you know, they’re so cool and have lots of…..(fill in the blank) and you wish you could be that way, too.
Except.
The urge for perfection is tricky….and not so very happy.
It’s very stressful to consider yourself less than perfect, less than the ideal version you see in your mind’s eye, whether it’s you or someone else you think is (or could be) better.
The thing is, this “ideal” version can always float in the background, no matter how advanced, or evolved, or improved you become.
The other day, my mom stopped by for a visit.
She had texted a few hours before, so I knew she was coming.
Mostly, my thoughts were thrilled. I hadn’t seen her in a month since she’d been traveling through Israel and Jordan with a large group on a long-awaited adventure. I couldn’t wait to ask her about her trip.
And then I had the thought, only about 20 minutes before she arrived when I opened my fridge and stared into it….
….oh no.
It’s going to be supper time.
Shoot.
It would be polite to offer….well….dinner.
She said she’d be visiting around 5:20 pm and needed to be at her band practice at 7:00 pm.
It sounds like dinner time.
Oops. Panic. Dang it.
Sure enough…..just 20 minutes later she entered my living room, took off her coat and said, “You got anything to eat? I only have a protein bar in my car. I’m a little off on the time zone.”
There is no better way to reveal my imperfection than with cooking and meal preparation.
Yes, I do teach eating peace. I am that same person.
I teach peaceful eating, mindful eating. Twenty years ago I binge-ate and obsessed about too much or not enough or what’s right with food, and now I feel far more normal when it comes to intake and output, hunger and fullness.
But that’s with feeling the right amount.
As in, I feel hungry, I eat. I feel full, I stop.
I am sooooo happy with this situation.
I don’t exactly care that much about cooking. Or dishes. Or recipes. Or what goes with what.
I just notice I enjoy eating (never the case before because it was fraught with so much agony and conflict) and I like it right there. No intense passion for flavors or menus or anything like that. I honestly can’t be bothered or get myself to focus on planning meals.
Not even close.
So my mother says she’s hungry and my mind is already thinking “You knew this would happen, what’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you race to the store?”
I make black sticky rice (we always have packages of sticky rice from Uwajimaya Grocery Store in the cupboard) and steamed broccoli.
My mom is a kind of health nut.
I have grated cheese for a topping. That should be OK. I hope.
Now, already, a day later….this is all kind of funny.
But soooo serious yesterday.
Worry. Not perfect. Screwed up on dinner hour awareness. Not a good cook.
Bad.
…..Time for inquiry…..
Who would I be without the belief that the very best most perfect version of me would whip up a little supper meal in an instant and please my mother thoroughly?
Who would I be without the belief that I should know how, and want, to cook dinner?
Who would I be without the belief that I should like something I don’t like?
People feel worried about this not with just meal-making, but partners, jobs, houses, vacation plans, their bodies.
You dream of the other ideal Someone Better you wish you could be.
Who would you be without the belief that what you like and want should be true?
Oh.
You mean, like if yesterday I thought….”I’ve got rice and broccoli and cheese….but even that, I don’t want to hover over in the kitchen. Who wants to watch the stove…anyone??”
I could ask for what I want.
I could laugh.
Yesterday, the “bad dinner” was so serious.
It really, was!
Until I questioned my thoughts of perfection and the ideal version of Grace the cook.
Turning the thought around: In that exact moment and situation, I should be just as I was. With just those ingredients in my fridge. Standing with my mother at that exact dinner hour. Wanting to please and offer supper, and not feeling up to the job.
Hmmmm.
How could this be true, or truer?
That was the reality.
I notice…..everyone lived.
“Forget your perfect offering There is a crack, a crack in everything That’s how the light gets in.”
~ Leonard Cohen
Today she wrote me a note…..
…..”thanks for the great supper last night!”
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Peace Talk this week. A little lighter topic: Life and Death.
Wow, I feel superb after the joyous Eating Peace Retreat.
I get so filled up with joy and connection when I’m on retreat with other people.
Especially through witnessing people slow down, enter silence, and make friends with their minds by questioning their thoughts.
Especially stressful thoughts about eating, consumption, reaching for the *thing* or *activity* that will make things better.
Especially stressful thoughts about memories that enter and re-enter our present moment, unresolved.
So fast, so speedy, so tricky our thoughts about things-that-make-us-feel-better.
They zip by like wildfire, don’t they?
One minute, you’re happy and minding your own business….
….the next, you’re sure that things could be improved if only….
….(fill in the blank with your favorite obsession).
Often, the focus of the attention has a down side.
To put it mildly.
But for this temporary better feeling….
….something inside is whispering, or screaming….
….it’s worth it!
Do it. Get it. Eat it. Chase it.
GO GO GO!!!!
And we do.
And then, that same mind starts to scream again….
….”What’d you do that for! You’re an idiot! Can’t you get this right? Following your obsession or compulsive behavior is NOT WORKING. How many times do we have to go over this?!!”
Yeah, it’s that supportive. (NOT).
I’ve sure you’ve noticed.
The thing is, the self-hatred and blame only keeps the whole thing going in a big vicious cycle.
So what if you just stopped for a second, and wondered….
….what would you have to stay with, or face, or sit still with, or notice, or feel (that’s a key piece, right there–what you would have to feel)….
….if you didn’t chase or reach for that thing that seems to help?
What would you actually feel, without your band-aid?
Wow, the way I used to feel is like my head was going to explode, my insides were turning inside out and a raw ragged desperate pain might destroy me.
I felt fear, terrible grief, panic, rage.
It felt like there was an ocean of feelings on the inside of me and I might crawl out of my skin….or die….unless I Did Something.
Eat, drink, smoke, move, think.
Many years later, when on my first long meditation retreat in total silence….
….the skin crawling feeling reappeared.
Oh. Rats.
Long time no see! I was hoping you were gone forever!
I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was tied in knots, I couldn’t hold still very well in between meditation sessions, and it seemed like my thoughts were literally yelling at the top of their lungs inside my skull in the meditation hall.
I was so nervous about the silence.
Every nightmare I’d ever thought might be true ran through my mind.
Great, I thought.
Just what I wanted.
And I thought I was here to relax.
Thanks a lot, MIND!!!
I HATED my mind, even though I had not taken a super self-harmful drink, bite or smoke of something in order to escape my feelings in quite a few years.
But I HAD stayed very busy, worked a lot, obsessed about getting things done, worried, signed up for self-improvement classes, read a ton of books, and hardly tolerated a moment of silence.
When Silence surrounded me, I was frightened.
So on Eating Peace Retreat, that’s what we do.
We eat in silence, together.
We feel what’s really true.
That we’re in a body that needs just that much food for fuel, and no more.
We can handle the rest of our cravings in another way.
Inquiry.
The Work.
That thing you find truly disturbing? That incident from your childhood, or last year?
The way life unfolds, when it isn’t pleasant?
The only thing I ever find that addresses these experiences like a lazer is self-inquiry.
With other people, gathering together to do The Work helps even more.
You’re supported and you don’t feel alone and isolated.
Someone can be there to say….I know it feels like you can’t handle it, but you can.
You will.
You are.
Have you noticed?
Except for your thoughts, are you OK right now?
“Most of the time we’re either trying to ignore a want (which only makes the want grow) or we’re indulging the want. Deeply accepting the want is the middle way. Between rejecting and indulging lies SEEING–and allowing, and finding freedom in even the most uncomfortable places.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
On my meditation retreat that first time in silence, I wanted to think incessantly about myself and about life, and I was fighting fiercely about myself and about life.
War.
What if you just let all the thinking, your addiction to thinking, your addiction to wanting to understand what’s going on around here, your urge to Know….
….be here?
Oh!
You mean, it’s perfectly OK to have this busy mind?
I am willing to be driven crazy by my own thoughts. I look forward to being driven crazy by my own thoughts.
Why not.
LOL.
Awareness is all that is necessary to dissolve…..everything.
“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74
question your stories about death, or craving….. …..feel the mysterious inexhaustible silence
Every year at the summer Breitenbush annual retreat in late June, we have a movie night.
We watch the film Turn It Around with Byron Katie.
In the movie, quite a few courageous people get up on stage with Katie.
They share their innermost suffering and disturbing thoughts with the whole audience (and in this case, all of us who ever watch Turn It Around, too)!
That’s brave!
Last night, I showed Turn It Around in my Eating Peace retreat.
I’ve seen it about 10 times now, and it’s still moving for me.
One of my favorite pieces of work is when a young woman shares that her brother died in Afghanistan, and how enraged she’s felt about the loss, her devastated family, and death itself.
What an amazing question to ask someone as they consider death (to ask myself)….
….who would you be without the belief that death is so awful?
Without being against death, and anything leading to death?
It does seem to be the overwhelming way of it, as in 100% of the time, that we die.
So why get so disturbed?
What’s this deep, terrifying upset all about, anyway?
It’s profound to think of, at this level.
Almost the same, for me, as the process of addiction (which is what everyone is looking at so very closely in Eating Peace these three days).
Craving.
This whole over-eating, under-eating, worrying about eating thing.
What’s So Upsetting?!!
What’s going on in any moment, that we would choose to start to eat, and eat, and eat…..or drink, and drink, and drink…..or smoke, obsess about a person, shop, internet, clean, facebook….
….want, want, want?
What is so disturbing about the moment we insist we need something to…..
WHAT??
We looked at this today, in our retreat.
What does that thing, person, activity…..give you?
People noticed they thought eating, in those compulsive moments, would give them comfort, reward, compensation, soothing.
What does believing that death-is-terrible give you?
Huh.
Why would I choose to think death-is-terrible is true?
It’s like there’s some kind of idea within that if I didn’t think death was terrible, I’d twiddle away the hours I’ve got, I wouldn’t care, I’d be weird, I wouldn’t get freaked out about loss, change, and things coming and going (people or animals).
I’m afraid I wouldn’t truly love, I’d be too detached.
But is that true?
Whether it’s death I find frightening, or this empty moment, or this gruesome image from a memory….
….when I believe my story that this situation is lousy, or bad for me….
….I become fear, loss, sadness, distress, drama, excitement.
That’s who I am when I’m believing my story.
Alone, confused, not exactly trusting of the universe and reality.
So who would I be without the belief that my mind, my thoughts, my story, the images I see, my fantasies about death, my fantasies about this moment (that invent the need for some compulsive behavior) are true?
Who would I be if I didn’t believe my stories?
Including the story of death?
Including the story of uncomfortable feelings and moments and situations and addiction?
I would be feeling, seeing, being myself, which includes for me nutty pictures (some frightening) and judgments racing by and a brain full of thinking (sometimes).
Noticing that even though I see pictures of what death might be like, or other people I love dying, and even though I wonder about death a lot….
….and even though it sometimes occurs to me that a moment is annoying, missing something, more than I can handle, or boring….
….I don’t have to believe it.
In fact, I often don’t.
I don’t have to do anything.
I don’t have to get up, or fix it quick, or eat something, or figure out how to handle it.
Without believing my thoughts, they are just there, being themselves.
Me, too.
Oh, and look at that.
The universe is being Itself, too, in all its wild mysterious glory, full of lives being lived temporarily (it seems) and moments happening only for an instant (even moments full of craving) and things morphing, moving, opening, closing, changing.
Turning the thoughts around in every way: death is wonderful, craving is wonderful, life is terrible, not-craving is terrible, my thinking about death is terrible, my thinking about craving is terrible.
Could these be just as true, or truer?
“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart. Music or the smell of good cooking may make people stop and enjoy. But words that point to the Tao seem monotonous and without flavor. When you look for it, there is nothing to see. When you listen for it, there is nothing to hear. When you use it, it is inexhaustible.” ~ Tao Te Ching #35
Question your thinking, feel wonderful and open, rather than terrible and closed.
question what you think when someone doesn’t care….
As I prepare to go into retreat today, I pause a moment this morning and think…..I love I get to do this for the next three days.
I can’t wait to meet the people traveling, some on airplanes, some with long drives all the way to rainy Seattle.
Everything’s ready to go.
But I woke up extra early, my mind busy about a whole bunch of things not even related to this retreat.
I was reflecting on a very dear inquiry by someone in the Year of Inquiry group.
Because I was feeling it, on the edge of my morning.
I was wondering about this thought myself.
He doesn’t care about me.
We’ve all thought that at one time or another. Not an uncommon human thought. At all.
We think this sometimes about God, Source, Reality, the Mystery.
It doesn’t care about me!
You’re certainly not considered weird to think it, that’s for dang sure. You’re considered normal.
But….it’s a pretty weird thought.
When I was thinking it just awhile ago, it came in only because someone I know has not emailed me back. We haven’t connected in a very long time on skype or phone.
At one time, we had a lot of really good, deep conversations.
Not anymore.
And now…..no response even when I do reach out.
Mind kicks in and concludes, because of silence….he doesn’t care about me.
You might have this belief float through because of other actions, besides silence or lack of communication. You might have had a more “obvious” slight, or criticism. You might feel you’re going through really hard times and upset with Reality.
What a good thought to question today.
He doesn’t care about you.
Are you sure it’s true?
What happens when you believe someone doesn’t care about you?
I notice I feel worried, clingy, nervous, wondering. Maybe I try to forget about them. Maybe I try to distract myself. In my situation this morning, it swings through my thoughts, and I know I’m not going to take any action (like email again) right now, but I might feel a little whisper of resentment.
No biggie really.
But if I really look closely, I also see an incident in the past where there was tension between us.
It never got fully resolved inside of me. I felt kinda hurt back then.
Something changed in the relationship.
What happens when I believe “he doesn’t care about me?”
I try to skip over the hurtful moment between us. I want it to go back to the way it used to be. I feel sad. I feel insecure.
Who would I be, though, if I couldn’t think the thought “he doesn’t care about me” as I remember him upon waking up this morning?
Even with other memories flashing through of good times, as well as difficult moments in conversation. Especially that one time he said some things that hurt.
Who would I be without the belief that silence means he doesn’t care?
Who would I be without the belief that even God doesn’t care about me?
Lighter, I notice.
Not trying to solve it like it’s a problem.
Letting the silence permeate, which is so sweet and easy and beautiful.
Amused.
Suddenly aware, I don’t ever need him to return my email. Ever.
Turning the thought around:
He does care about me.
Yes, I know.
Even if he never writes to me again, and I never see him again. He lives a long ways away, after all. I notice that contact with him is certainly not required for a beautiful life.
I turn the thought around again: I don’t care about him. I don’t care about myself, the minute I start thinking about him like something’s missing and he doesn’t care.
I miss the quiet of the morning. I miss the truth that we have no idea what will happen, in any relationship.
I miss the way of it….that most relationships ebb and flow like the tide. No bodies ever stay together 24/7 for cryin’ out loud, that’s for sure. No people need to communicate constantly, regularly, non-stop. No one needs to say things exactly as I demand to hear them, or in the timing I prefer.
That would be weird.
Could it be the amount of communicating is just right, in my situation with my old friend? With anyone?
Can I also notice the exquisite beauty of my daughter coming into the living room saying with joy that one of her favorite artists has just released a new song? Hearing the wind chimes outside in the dark morning. Feeling the soft cream-colored couch under my legs. Feeling happy about this retreat starting in two hours with wonderful souls I will soon know better.
Maybe this is God, or Reality, communicating with me.
Drop the “maybe”.
Ha ha, yes.
Yes.
“You are quaffing drink from a hundred fountains: whenever any of these hundred yields less, your pleasure is diminished. But when the sublime fountain gushes from within you, no longer need you steal from the other fountains.” ~ Rumi
Question your belief in Not Enough….discover the truth.
I’m offering the three day Eating Peace retreat this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is a time to completely unplug from your usual ways with food and eating.
This morning I noticed a funny thought float through.
There aren’t enough people enrolled.
Not Enough.
The Not Enoughs are back, alive and well. The belief in Not Enough of something…..anything.
It’s such a common human idea.
Not enough money, not enough time, not enough love, not enough pleasure, not enough peace, not enough accomplishment.
You might have noticed this thought, even if you’ve never eaten a bite of anything compulsively.
As I sat in meditation on this upcoming retreat, something I always do before I’m about to teach, I felt the sweetness of looking forward to whoever shows up, and feeling the joy and inspiration of investigating thought….and eating very slowly together.
Yes, we practice mindful eating at the retreat.
And people attend this retreat who don’t even have intense “eating” issues, it’s so amazing to slow down in this basic human experience called eating.
In the retreat, I stay with everyone every step of the way, including when you’re eating midday and in the evening. Every bite is eaten together.
Something almost none of us do on a daily basis.
Something I never even imagined I would one day do in a retreat, where I’m the facilitator!!!
Sometimes, when people take this Eating Peace retreat, people report a life-changing HALT, almost like the brakes were put on, around the wild eating cycle of constant compulsive thinking and behavior with food.
Wild cycles of compulsive eating…..
…..that’s certainly what it used to be like for me, thirty years ago.
If someone had offered a live workshop on eating peace at the time, I would have thrown myself into it as soon as possible. I had nothing like that available to me. What was available was therapy (I am grateful and deeply appreciative to all the therapists who worked with me). I also found a group called Beyond Dieting that met weekly about freedom from compulsive thinking about food. There were books to read. There were 12 Step Meetings.
But nothing just for crazed eaters like me that would help stop the insanity for a whole day or more.
I had to go to an inpatient hospital program for that. And I did.
But not before a LOT of suffering.
When I was about 25, I moved. Again.
I had lived in dorm rooms, apartments, house-shares and lots of temporary type housing (interspersed by staying at my parent’s home) since I was 18.
But that year when I was 25 after finally graduating from college, I actually moved a long distance away, going from Washington to Colorado.
I’ll never forget the silent drive for 3 days, camping in my own tent by myself, and feeling the combined fear and excitement of being on the road and entirely free and uncertain.
It’s a wild, strange feeling.
I remember driving through Wyoming and seeing the mountains rise up in sharp, dramatic peaks. I was on small backroads for a certain length of time and I pulled my little car over and stopped and got out and stood in the wind.
A herd of antelope moved off in the distance between me, and the mountains. The wind blew loudly. It was completely silent. Not one other car in sight. Brown grass blowing chaotically like water all around.
I was on my way to Denver. I was on my way into a new life chapter.
For awhile, when I arrived, I had an excited momentum of newness surrounding me. I knew what to do each day.
Project: Get A Job. Get A Place To Live.
Basics like that can keep you very busy and concentrated.
No time for the haunting sense of failure or need to overeat or binge-eat, or smoke or drink (which were low-level things I used occasionally also at the time).
The horrible behavior had been binge-eating. I hated it and fought with it and really did not want to experience it ever again. I had seen therapists for it and learned a lot.
That was OVER now!
But after about six months of things settling down, having a basic job at the University of Denver and my own room in a beautiful Victorian house-share with 4 other people….
….one day my visitor appeared again.
The mean, bored, critical one who was also quite frightened and felt like a victim with a chip on her shoulder and wanted to eat.
She was a part of me. And she was back.
Uh-oh.
I thought I had obliterated her from the face of the earth. And locked the door and thrown away the key.
But here she was returning after my “geographical cure” of moving to a brand new city, starting to make new friends, take new classes, be a new person.
Dang it.
She was kind of angry (wouldn’t you be?) that I had ignored her and put her on hold for so long.
I found myself opening the cupboards of the kitchen in this beautiful house I lived in on Elizabeth Street, and seeing what my roommates had for food.
I stared at their boxes of cereal, or loaves of bread, or chunks of cheese on other peoples’ designated shelves in the refrigerator.
I shaved off a tiny slice, trying to make it so it wasn’t noticed, of banana bread from someone’s package.
My mind started to kick in…..
…..if I just eat a little bite from everyone’s food, they won’t notice.
I did that.
And guess what?
It wasn’t enough.
I wanted more.
I got into my car, in snow 8 inches deep on the ground in my first Denver winter, and started to drive.
I call this, now, the Searching Trance.
I would turn into a fast food restaurant, order something that sounded normal, pay for it through the cold roll down window, and start to eat it the minute I drove away.
Driving and eating and looking for the next place to buy something to eat.
My mind would spin with what sounded good and what I wasn’t allowed and where I could find it.
Is it here? Is it there? Is it around that corner?
Quick, quick, quick, quick.
The adrenaline was pumping and there was a sense of almost being about to get caught, and sneaking everything I wasn’t allowed to eat (to think).
My mind was on an escape mission.
I ate and ate from one end of town to the other, and headed back to my home.
Inside, thankfully, only one of my housemates was home and I managed to smile a big fake smile, say hello, and speed past them to head upstairs to my room. And the bathroom where I would turn on the shower so nobody could hear me, and make myself throw up food I had just eaten.
Then….I could rest.
That’s the thing about that cycle….I could finally rest and I would sleep very deeply almost like I got knocked over the head.
Nowadays I look back at that suffering and realize if only I could have discovered a way to stop, lie down, and relax….
….I could have gotten there without the food.
But I didn’t know how.
I so badly wanted to rest my MIND and my thinking, and it never worked to lock it up or try to control the thoughts by suppressing them and pushing them away or down or out of sight.
Eventually, still in Denver, I checked myself in to the hospital treatment program for addiction and eating disorders and lived there for an entire month.
Fortunately for me, my health insurance through my job at the university paid almost in full for the entire program, although it was crazy expensive.
It was a huge help for me to live my life daily without the binge-eating, and not as a geographical cure…..
…..instead I was surrounded by people who knew how I suffered.
Every hour of every day was filled with exercises, groups, activities, relaxation, therapy, conversations and intense sharing of the deep darkness I held in my heart about life.
I had to face the most sad and frustrating events from my past, and look at ways to handle my thoughts without needing or using eating or any other substances to “help” me get through life.
Now, the honest truth is…..
…..I engaged in every single addictive behavior again after a certain period of time back in “regular” life on the street after my inpatient experience.
But that was when I got really scared again and didn’t know how to be with my own feelings and thoughts.
I had no way to inquire at the time.
I just “believed” and went with it. I thought what I was thinking was true.
However, that immersion into time without binge-eating or using anything, ever, to escape gave me some solid ground to walk on.
I knew I was going to be OK.
I knew I could return to practicing the belief in “enough”.
I got myself into a group, I went to meetings, I found ways to get support and not panic with the deep belief in Not Enough.
Who would you be without your thought in Not Enough of something?
Are you sure you need it?
Are you sure it’s not possible for you to get what you need?
Are you sure you can’t handle this moment easily, without that thing you believe is missing or that you don’t have enough of?
Whether it’s money, time, love, safety or success…..
…..what if you turned the thought around, after you contemplate being without it altogether?
I DO have Enough.
That thing I don’t have enough of?
What if it needs more of ME?
More of my kindness, acceptance, attention, willingness to hang out with it.
That mean nasty one who used to come visit and want to binge-eat?
I notice she still shows up sometimes, although she never cares about eating and hasn’t binged in several decades…..
…..because she doesn’t need to scream that loudly anymore.
She’s softer. She’s not so dark and dreary.
She’s more easily amused, and her mind changes much more quickly.
I let her sit at the table with me for as long as she wants, and she can tell me all about what I’m missing and what she believes isn’t present enough in my life.
I give myself a lot of her……
……because she is me.
Because the ultimate turnaround is:
I need more of myself, in this situation.
I need to attend to me, love me, enjoy me, notice me, care for me, be in love with me, dance with me, eat with me, hug me, feel the enoughness of being alive even as life changes and moves every day.
When I feel this way, I love everyone and everything I come into contact with….
….whether it’s a small workshop full of inquirers, or a big one with 100 participants in it.
I’ve had both, and it’s a marvel either way.
This retreat has room, apparently, for more.
And it is perfectly enough as is.
Can you find it, in your life?
In my world, I can trust that exactly the people who show up are the ones who are supposed to be here, and no more or no less.
If you think you’re possibly supposed to be with me this weekend, hit reply, or join now, or call me 206-650-1230. To register, click HERE.
And meanwhile, no matter who or where you are….
….question your belief that you don’t have enough of something.
It doesn’t mean you SHOULD go without. You don’t know what will happen, with inquiry. It’s just an adventure in exploring beliefs.
You might be amazed at what you find.
“The way out of suffering is to be engaged in the process of ending suffering. The process is the outcome. In Life, the transformation occurs in the process.” ~ Cheri Huber in I Don’t Want To I Don’t Feel Like It
“The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7
Tonight! Eating Peace Master Class Live (again). Learn to do The Work when it comes to eating issues. Click HERE to sign up.
***********
you need to change your mind…..is that true?
The other day I saw an article flit by on the internet on “limiting beliefs” and how we must change them in order to feel happy.
Everyone likes the idea of changing limiting beliefs.
They’re…..so…..limiting.
Yeah! I have to change my limiting beliefs!
Fist pump!!
We like “unlimited” beliefs because they’re more fun, expansive, full of endless possible scenarios. Unlimited sounds like forever and ever growing, no barriers, no stop signs.
Unlimited sounds successful and powerful and exciting!!
There’s no cap or lid on unlimited beliefs.
Right?
I suddenly had one of those little bells ring….
….*ping*….
….inviting me to look a little more deeply and explore around a bit, rather than just assume:
What exactly is meant by “limiting” beliefs (and why assume it’s a good idea to get rid of them, or change them)?
What is this word “limited” and what do we really mean when we’re saying there are beliefs that could be described this way?
Hmmm.
Well.
First, there are “beliefs”. I’ve come to see them as patterns or waves or sparks of thought that repeat themselves.
Poof, poof, poof.
They pop up like little fountains and rotate back and cycle around and get revisited over and over, appear and reappear.
Maybe we heard them many times from other people. We learned them, read them, received them somewhere.
The way I’m believing or thinking or perceiving, when it’s limited, brings me a sense of fear, or worry, or slight anxiety, or hesitation, or sadness or disappointment or depression or absence of any other options.
I look at life, when limited, and my feelings are “Oh No!” or “you screwed up” or “this was a mistake” or “uh-oh” or “RRUUUUNNNNN!”
We’ve all felt that moment when viewing our own situations or lives where we think happiness is simply not possible in that circumstance.
In that situation, there is definitely a problem.
There are limited options, limited ways to approach it.
There are LIMITS.
You know what I mean? I mean, seriously.
Here is the edge, and you can’t go past it. No other way around it.
You are limited by a lifetime, for example. You’re born, you grow, you die.
Being in a human body is limited.
Yes. It’s. True.
Except.
What if instead of thinking you have to change your limiting beliefs you didn’t know for a sec.
Are they “your” limiting beliefs?
Are you sure your mind is not working up to par, or the best way possible?
Are you sure you actually DO believe these thoughts in the first place, just because they reappear on a regular basis?
Are you sure these limiting beliefs are so important, or you have to stop thinking them, in order to be happy?
Are you sure this thing….called a limit….is really unfortunate?
(Like your lifespan, for example)?
Who would you be without the belief that you have to change your limiting beliefs in order to be happy?
I know I’ve just posed a LOT of questions.
But….is it kind of fun?
Wow, I find it kinda spacious.
Kind of hilarious, to be honest.
Less work, that’s for sure.
Noticing how interested I am in questioning, investigating, wondering about the world and about life.
I couldn’t stop being curious if I wanted to, it’s totally fun to look and stare at everything and take it in with astonishment and fascination.
I notice right here, in this moment, there’s probably a war happening in several places in the world. There’s famine, and suffering, and people hating themselves.
Right in this moment, there’s horrible weather, and injury, sickness, anger, addiction and death.
Even with all the history of humanity as it is, and the violence that occurs here, apparently, and my small pin-head glasses of one tiny brain on the planet looking through the eyes of one human…..
…..who would I actually be without the belief I’ve got to change these limiting beliefs, and that they are MINE?
If I turn around the thought…..curious:
I do NOT have to change my limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs have to change me (thanks, limiting beliefs….you rock!)
I have to change….nothing.
What if it was truly OK for my mind to run off in all directions with the idea that I must change my thinking, and my mind is limited?
Maybe my mind IS limited.
Maybe any belief that’s running through it, at any given moment, is temporary and personal and basically….limited.
Perhaps there’s more here than “thinking” and “believing”.
Who would you be without your thought you need to stop thinking limiting thoughts?
Turning the thoughts around:
*I need to keep on thinking limiting thoughts and NEVER change them. Ha ha!
*Thoughts need to change me (it’s happening, every time I question my beliefs).
*Nothing needs to change. Ever.
Gulp.
Wha?
But.
Woah.
I think things need to change all the time. That’s my constant motto. Changing things and waiting for things to change, and resisting change but hoping for change.
Sinking into Not Needing To Change Anything? (Including my beliefs)?
Now that’s a relief beyond relief.
Just……wow.
“All difficulties are created in the mind, by the mind. All problems are imagined in the mind. The great liberating factor of this is…that nothing is necessary to change in the activity of the world in the body or the mind. It might show you more clearly what your true nature is, but anxiety and fear are just a response to who we think ourselves to be.” ~ Ramana Marharshi
What if what we think is a problem (our mental activity)….
….isn’t?
Much love, Grace
P.S. Join me this coming weekend in Seattle (Friday through Sunday) to question your thoughts that just happen to be occurring when you’re eating in a weird way (or thinking in a weird way about eating). To register, click HERE.
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