As I prepare to go into retreat today, I pause a moment this morning and think…..I love I get to do this for the next three days.
I can’t wait to meet the people traveling, some on airplanes, some with long drives all the way to rainy Seattle.
Everything’s ready to go.
But I woke up extra early, my mind busy about a whole bunch of things not even related to this retreat.
I was reflecting on a very dear inquiry by someone in the Year of Inquiry group.
Because I was feeling it, on the edge of my morning.
I was wondering about this thought myself.
He doesn’t care about me.
We’ve all thought that at one time or another. Not an uncommon human thought. At all.
We think this sometimes about God, Source, Reality, the Mystery.
It doesn’t care about me!
You’re certainly not considered weird to think it, that’s for dang sure. You’re considered normal.
But….it’s a pretty weird thought.
When I was thinking it just awhile ago, it came in only because someone I know has not emailed me back. We haven’t connected in a very long time on skype or phone.
At one time, we had a lot of really good, deep conversations.
Not anymore.
And now…..no response even when I do reach out.
Mind kicks in and concludes, because of silence….he doesn’t care about me.
You might have this belief float through because of other actions, besides silence or lack of communication. You might have had a more “obvious” slight, or criticism. You might feel you’re going through really hard times and upset with Reality.
What a good thought to question today.
He doesn’t care about you.
Are you sure it’s true?
What happens when you believe someone doesn’t care about you?
I notice I feel worried, clingy, nervous, wondering. Maybe I try to forget about them. Maybe I try to distract myself. In my situation this morning, it swings through my thoughts, and I know I’m not going to take any action (like email again) right now, but I might feel a little whisper of resentment.
No biggie really.
But if I really look closely, I also see an incident in the past where there was tension between us.
It never got fully resolved inside of me. I felt kinda hurt back then.
Something changed in the relationship.
What happens when I believe “he doesn’t care about me?”
I try to skip over the hurtful moment between us. I want it to go back to the way it used to be. I feel sad. I feel insecure.
Who would I be, though, if I couldn’t think the thought “he doesn’t care about me” as I remember him upon waking up this morning?
Even with other memories flashing through of good times, as well as difficult moments in conversation. Especially that one time he said some things that hurt.
Who would I be without the belief that silence means he doesn’t care?
Who would I be without the belief that even God doesn’t care about me?
Lighter, I notice.
Not trying to solve it like it’s a problem.
Letting the silence permeate, which is so sweet and easy and beautiful.
Amused.
Suddenly aware, I don’t ever need him to return my email. Ever.
Turning the thought around:
He does care about me.
Yes, I know.
Even if he never writes to me again, and I never see him again. He lives a long ways away, after all. I notice that contact with him is certainly not required for a beautiful life.
I turn the thought around again: I don’t care about him. I don’t care about myself, the minute I start thinking about him like something’s missing and he doesn’t care.
I miss the quiet of the morning. I miss the truth that we have no idea what will happen, in any relationship.
I miss the way of it….that most relationships ebb and flow like the tide. No bodies ever stay together 24/7 for cryin’ out loud, that’s for sure. No people need to communicate constantly, regularly, non-stop. No one needs to say things exactly as I demand to hear them, or in the timing I prefer.
That would be weird.
Could it be the amount of communicating is just right, in my situation with my old friend? With anyone?
Can I also notice the exquisite beauty of my daughter coming into the living room saying with joy that one of her favorite artists has just released a new song? Hearing the wind chimes outside in the dark morning. Feeling the soft cream-colored couch under my legs. Feeling happy about this retreat starting in two hours with wonderful souls I will soon know better.
Maybe this is God, or Reality, communicating with me.
Drop the “maybe”.
Ha ha, yes.
Yes.
“You are quaffing drink from a hundred fountains: whenever any of these hundred yields less, your pleasure is diminished. But when the sublime fountain gushes from within you, no longer need you steal from the other fountains.” ~ Rumi
Much love,
Grace