Month: April 2013

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Three Beliefs That Make The World Small And Dangerous

Sometimes it seems like there are endless stressful thoughts, infinitely giving birth in our minds.

A constant stream of complaints, disturbances…ways we think life could be improved, even if they are very minor.

I’ve mentioned it before…it’s that voice that has something to say about EVERYTHING that happens.

However, looking at all these thoughts, there seem to be only a few beliefs that many of our thought-patterns could fit into….sort of like how they could be summed up.

Core underlying beliefs.

  • I am not safe.
  • Something is missing.
  • Something is wrong. 

There may be more beliefs than these, but looking at all I’ve ever noticed that has caused pain, it seems like the stressful, troubling, difficult thinking and feeling always comes out of these core places.

Believing these thoughts, without questioning and examining them, produce fear.

If I think someone left me? Yes…I’m thinking something (that person) is missing, and something is wrong and I’m not safe.

If I have a huge gigantic craving for compulsive binge-eating? I am thinking something is missing, and I’m not safe.

If I am worried about how much money I’ll have in the future? I am believing I won’t be safe, and something will be missing, and something will be wrong.

Even if my teenager daughter snaps at me…and I feel defensive…I am believing I’m not safe, and something is wrong.

It is a really crazy opposite flip to look at the opposites, to consider them as true or truer.

And VERY exciting.

What if we didn’t believe these core underlying beliefs, and when they appeared, we did not think that they were true?

What if instead, when something scary happened, whether with a person we know, an incident, a dramatic event….what if as we reviewed it carefully, we found genuine examples for the following turnarounds, the opposite thoughts of our original ones:

  • I am safe
  • Nothing is missing, Something is coming
  • Nothing is wrong, Something is right

Even just sitting with the possibility of these turnarounds being as true or truer opens up a bigger awareness of the world, and can change our entire perception of the past.

The way to see this clearly is by doing each step of The Work, and finding very specific examples of how these opposite thoughts are also true.

Is it possible that I am completely safe, even though my heart is racing and someone just got mad at me?

Is it possible that something wonderful is coming, that nothing is missing, that nothing is ultimately wrong, that something is very right HERE, on this planet, in your life…even if something very, very difficult has occurred?

See if you can find the opposites, in this wild world of duality, for the thoughts you’ve been believing.

It doesn’t mean denying the uncomfortable thoughts….it means expanding your world, your mind, and your thinking.

It means making the world much bigger, and very exciting.

“A mind that doesn’t question its judgments, makes the world very small and dangerous.”~Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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A High Score Means Hazardous Thinking

Not long ago I was reading about a man who was no longer drinking, sober after a long and troubling relationship with alcohol, looked back at his “assessment test” he had been given before entering treatment.

He noticed that if he substituted the word “thinking” for the word “drinking” this gave him a pretty clear assessment of his own mind.

I decided to look at some addiction assessment tools myself to see if this applied to …ahem… my own mind.

I found some good assessment questions that were created for people wondering if they have a problem with drinking…..but I substituted “thinking” to see what my answers might be.

Take the following test to find out if you have THINKING that is hazardous to your health:

*Have you found that you have not been able to stop thinking once you have started?
*Have you failed to do what you expected yourself to do because of thinking?
*Have you had a feeling of guilt or remorse after thinking?
*Have you lost time from work due to thinking?
*Is thinking making your home life unhappy?
*Have you ever felt remorseful after thinking?
*Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of thinking?
*Does your thinking make you careless of your family’s welfare, or your own?
*Has your ambition decreased when thinking?
*Does thinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
*Has your efficiency decreased when thinking?
*Is thinking jeopardizing your job or business, or relationships?
*Do you think to escape worries or troubles?

GOSH!

That would be Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes….and Yes. To the whole list.

That’s why I love doing The Work.

It’s a prescription for recovery from the pain of believing stressful thoughts, at least it sure has been for me, and for hundreds of people all over the world.

Maybe since thinking seems to bring on some tough results like the list above, it’s not only helpful to do some in-depth looking at it….but pretty dang important.

So important that without looking at your mind and questioning the usual beliefs and processes you have in place…it may be hazardous to your health, and hazardous to your peace.

“If all you experience is mental noise, then you begin to derive your identity from the thoughts in your head, what the thoughts tell you about yourself….and you are trapped in that identity that is based on identification with thinking.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

There is something more than what we are thinking. (Thank goodness!) In fact, almost every spiritual teaching suggests to find out what it is!

And if your thoughts are getting in the way, in any part of your day, from experiencing peace, then diving right into them to understand and investigate them, may be one of the most important, amazing, fun, difficult, powerful things you will ever do.

Avoiding the thoughts, forcing yourself to be different, sweeping them under the rug, and wishing they weren’t there all don’t work.

If you notice that your thinking starts to dominate your experience, and you generate a false sense of self where your mind and beliefs are telling you who you are…and you’d like the incredible power of a group and a structure to support your inquiry process…then join Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker starting in six weeks.

This is an entire year of inquiry, three telesessions per month and two weekends retreats in Seattle, Washington, USA. We start in June on Tuesday mornings Pacific time.

Quite a few people have written to ask if they can do the teleconferences ONLY, since they live half way across the world. The answer is YES.

This whole year is a guided step-by-step look at all the topics that bring on stress and pain in our thinking.

We’ll be able to tag the thoughts, identify them clearly, share via email, and stay on track.

See the details and the payment plans and hopefully all you need by clicking HERE.

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

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Clarity Does Not Suffer

It’s funny how along the path of life, a sentence, or a few words, or a situation will appear, and profoundly affect us.

There is the flash of someone saying a few words, and then the way they said it, their facial expression, repeats itself as a memory.

The other day I was walking down the street and the face of someone I once knew appeared in my mind.

This happens to people all the time, it’s a normal life event.

Why that moment, in that way, at that hour…we can’t say.

One moment nothing, only noticing pavement, trees, yellow flowers, fence, blue sky…the next moment the memory of that person, then perhaps an emotional sensation.

I felt sad.

Then I felt appreciation, even though that friendship is forever over. I felt a sort of melancholy smile, like all is well, was well and will be well.

A little while later, I looked at the fascinating thought “I felt sad”.

That was a core basic descriptive sentence for what happened after I had the memory image float through my mind.

But the sentence “I felt sad” talks about an “I” and then a feeling, and then what kind of feeling (sad).

The Work or self-inquiry is looking at anything with an open and investigative mind that feels uncomfortable.

So I asked myself…“I felt sad, is that true?”

Yes, that’s true. I am communicating the sensations that rose up after I saw the image in my mind of that person’s face.

That was SADNESS. Yessirree!

My throat felt tight, my stomach felt tight, my heart felt full and sort of broken (whatever that is exactly, I’m not sure).

But if I really try to answer that question….as if I just landed on the planet and didn’t really know anything? If I was coming at it from a very new, fresh place?

I can only say those were sad feelings because I’ve learned that’s what other people call them here.

I’m actually not sure what all those feelings were. Because they shifted and morphed and became feelings of gratitude, and a peacefulness came over me rather than pain.

Can I absolutely know that was true, that I was feeling sadness?

And while we’re at it, what is the “I” that was feeling the sadness, or that saw the image?

Woman walking down the street, outside world, inside world, all of it mixed up together, blending….images popping up, air breathed, images seen with the eyes, images seen with the mind.

Then feelings apparently happening. Sensations in the body moving, being one way, changing to another way.

No. I can not absolutely know that I felt sadness when I remembered that person.

I’m not even exactly sure if there was a solid “I” there in the first place (in fact, I’m pretty sure there wasn’t, even though I keep using the word “I”).

How do I react when I have the thought “that is sooooo sad, I felt soooo sad, he felt sad, she felt sad, they feel sad….”?

I feel more sad. I feel unhappy. I want to help. I want to shift it. I think “oh this is terrible, this is uncomfortable!”

Who would I be without the thought that I felt sad, or feel sad now when I see that person in my mind again?

I’d be curious, open, and absolutely filled with love for that person.

I’d also be filled with love for myself, and the gorgeous day, and the presence and stuff all around me….and all the other little thoughts and images rolling through whatever I’m calling inside and outside of a “me”.

Without the thought that this memory is sad, I’d bask in it and allow it to be here, and tears might roll down my cheeks but it an active, moving, sweet, cleansing way.

I turn the thought around to the opposite “I felt happy”.

Wow. That is TRUE! Could it be just as true, or truer, than believing that what I felt was sadness?

Something moves through the throat, the chest, the face…the breath sucks in deeply to lungs, eyes follow sidewalk cracks, “it” sees, or somehow takes in houses, windows, trees, birds, mental images.

Here with this memory is silence, and joy, gratitude, love.

Nothing more is necessary right now. No live people needed, just the images. It’s OK.

“Clarity does not suffer.” ~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings

It is amazing how feelings and thoughts appear to be separate.

Feeling and Thinking are often spoken of as quite unique energies, coming from different places…one uses the mind, one uses the heart.

There are tests that identify whether you lead more with your feelings or with your thoughts.

But the lines aren’t really all that clear and divided, right?

We say “thinking” to refer to the mind churning, analyzing, flashing images, seeing words. We’ll point to our heads. Thinking seems to happen in our brains.

We say “feeling” to refer to sensations in the body. Feeling seems to happen in the heart area, or the stomach, or through the whole torso (have you ever noticed that your pinky toe doesn’t feel “sad”?)

Yet, when we look at feelings and thoughts and where they happen and what they are….they are entirely and completely linked and woven together. Like two peas in a pod.

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Thinking or Feeling?

These two energies are communicating with each other. They seem to be part of a great movement and motion, back and forth, in and out like the tides, part of a big cycle.

And they are much closer to each other than we often imagine.

Byron Katie and many current teachers of awareness and peace often speak about becoming friends with our minds, with our thinking….

…and by becoming friends with this mind….we get to become wonderfully friendly with feelings.

And vice versa. And so on and so on.

It doesn’t matter which one you find troubling first. Most people notice discomfort or unhappiness with both.

Here’s the interesting dilemma that a lot of people, including ME, have noticed sometimes, with all this talk about questioning what we’re thinking:

What if I FEEL really bad, but I don’t even know where to start? What if I don’t know WHAT I’m thinking? What if I almost don’t HAVE any thoughts? What if I just know I feel BAD BAD BAD.

What if my whole persona and my body and my day feels like waves of feeling come along that are painful: stress, fear, fury, disappointment, sadness, despair, nervousness, desperation, loneliness?

What if sometimes, I’m just overwhelmed with difficult or troubling feelings?

Here’s something you can do, if you notice that you are a person with this sort of experience at times:

Write down your thoughts about these feelings. They’ll be all swarming in there like a hive of bees.

  • I shouldn’t feel this bad
  • I hate this feeling
  • I need to do something to get rid of this feeling
  • I can’t think
  • There must be something wrong with me
  • I can’t handle this
  • I can’t stand it

Now that you have words that are already in your mind coming out onto a piece of paper, you can question them.

Don’t worry….you can do The Work even while you are having big feelings. You can do The Work with tears streaming down your cheeks or a sick feeling in your stomach.

You may even find that when you have bigger feelings, your thoughts are bigger, and right under the surface if you dig only a little.

You can’t stand these feelings….is that true? They are too big, too much, you need to stifle them….you can’t figure out what the thoughts are that are associated with these feelings….Really?

I noticed in my past that when I resisted my uncomfortable feelings and felt CERTAIN that I couldn’t know what my thoughts actually were, or that they were resolvable….I felt like drinking, smoking, binge-eating, quitting my job and ditching whatever situation I was in. OUTTA HERE.

It worked, temporarily. But I had to put a LOT of effort into avoiding bad feelings and grabbing onto the good ones.

But without the belief that my feelings are bad, I’ve noticed that they are the best assistants in the world to help me see that I’m believing something off.

Turning all these thoughts around, about feelings, I find the following to be a great relief:

  • I should feel this bad
  • I love and appreciate this feeling
  • I do NOT need to do something to get rid of this feeling (it will go away actually, if I leave it alone)
  • I can think
  • There is nothing wrong with me
  • I can handle this
  • I can stand it

How would you live your life if you made friends with your feelings?

If you knew they were there for some important reason, giving you a clue to awareness, to your thoughts….and then your thoughts giving you clues about your feelings.

What if you really didn’t care if you felt bad or good today?

You might find that you are more curious than ever about this world. You may find that rather than contemplating and questioning your thoughts because you feel pain and you don’t want to anymore (a perfectly reasonable way to enter inquiry)….

….that you ride the waves of feelings, like a surfer. And your thoughts become clear and you might see even more clearly what is or is not true for you.

“…if feeling good is your goal, then as soon as you feel better you will lose interest in what is true. This does not mean that feeling good or experiencing love and bliss is a bad thing. Given the choice, anyone would choose to feel bliss rather than sorrow. It simply means that if this desire to feel good is stronger than the yearning to see, know, and experience Truth, then this desire will always be distorting the perception of what is Real, while corrupting one’s deepest integrity.” ~ Adyashanti

Whether you find you have more active thoughts or more active feelings, both are beautiful and both are messages to lead you to awareness.

My feelings, which I used to think of as the bain of my existence, are now the best pointers to my thinking that I could ever imagine.

Love, Grace

P.S. one of my absolute favorite ways to stay present and have feelings is with the power of a supportive group. Really…its made all the difference in the world for me personally in my own spirited journey. Teleclasses (8 weeks) or the Powerful Living May 4th or the half-day mini-retreat May 18th….or (drum roll) the whole one year program all start in the next couple of months. And Breitenbush at the end of June, too! Join one of these group experiences for contact with love, truth and you. Scroll down right here to click and read about any of these.

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Give Up Changing In Order To Change

Today I was thinking about times in life when people get a wild hair and change something major in one big fell swoop.

AND NOW, for something completely different!!

And following this, the person leaves town, hits the road for another country, quits their job, says “yes” to going on a date by someone they don’t think of as their type, doesn’t stop at the usual bar on the way home, joins a gym, hires a counselor, calls a family member and tells them the truth, throws the cigarettes out the window on the freeway….

That moment, something changed.

Even if the event had been mulled over for a long time, that was the day action occurred.

Something reached out for a new experience, walking through a door into new territory….something willing to either feel the pain of not-knowing-what-will-happen-next, or to get away from the torture of living the same repetitive conditions.

Many researchers in psychology and spirituality, many humans in general, have studied why people change, and why it sticks, and why people DON’T change or why it DOES NOT stick.

The Harvard Business Review had an article several years ago on the best ways businesses make change.

The number one step? Assess where the business is right now. In other words, here’s a picture of the scene, the situation.

All the other steps follow that first one: once you know the situation and are seeing it with clear eyes (as clear as possible) then you can imagine what it might look like, set up the conditions for success, think about what parts will be hard and get support or help, and call on courage.

But that first step, the foundation…I have found it to be the key.

In fact, there is never, ever a guarantee of the change…you may have noticed. Even if VOWS are made…it doesn’t always mean they are kept.

Without looking closely, without understanding and opening to what is, and questioning some of the stress associated with the current status quo, then initiating change may really not “work”.

With The Work and self-inquiry, I actually have found that I don’t ever “need” to worry about how to make change, or initiate change, or produce change. In fact, stopping the idea that change MUST HAPPEN and giving up on that (if possible) winds up making it easier.

Weird but true. The situation becomes vivid, the beliefs I have about that situation become obvious, and then I take them to inquiry and something shifts that is separate from the part of Me, Myself and I that believes it has to change.

“I need to make a change”.

Is that true? YES! I’ve been smoking for years now when I know it’s terrible for my health! I hate my job! I’m bored in my relationship! I have to lose weight! I want to see the world! I need more money! Look at all the evidence!

I once was dating someone who every time I was with him, I had a pretty uncomfortable time. I was scared, unsure of myself, he seemed to have big outbursts of sudden anger, he would say “I don’t like you” and I would stay. He was super clear. I kept going out with him, communicating with him on the phone. I wondered why I didn’t say No. Everyone advised me to end the relationship.

But could I absolutely KNOW that I needed to change and get outta that relationship? I notice that I didn’t…and I notice that there were small changes and awarenesses happening even without me getting involved and saying goodbye.

I needed to be there just as long as I was there, just enough time to learn what I was really there for, the dynamics that took place, what I was believing to be true about me, about relationships, about dating.

Looking back, it was courageous of me to stay. I didn’t chop it off before it even grew into insight and freedom.

I needed to be there long enough to see with compassionate eyes, with love and joy.

One day, I knew to say goodbye. That day I knew. Even though I had thought about it many many times before. That day I knew, with love and genuine gratitude. I learned so very much.

And something inside me was willing to see what the next mystery was like….alone? Other dates? It didn’t matter, I didn’t know.

Today, you can notice one thing you think needs to change in your life, and then look at it. Ask yourself why you want that? Pretend you never heard of this need-for-change before and there is nothing to compare it to, no advice from others.

Only you. You are the universal voice for whatever you’re noticing. You are free to do something new or different in the next couple of hours, or not. Observing it all, not forcing.

No argument with what is.

“The Work doesn’t say what anyone should or shouldn’t do. We simply ask: What is the effect of arguing with reality? How does it feel? This Work explores the cause and effect of attaching to painful thoughts, and in that investigation we find our freedom. To simply say that we shouldn’t argue with reality is just to add another story, another philosophy or religion. It hasn’t ever worked.”~Byron Katie

Your amazing mind can see great things. It’s an “understanding” machine. Allow everything to be the way it is, and feel the whole entire universe supporting you on a journey.

Question your painful thoughts about what is. Without plans. See what happens.

“When we maintain awareness, whether we know it or not, healing is taking place…a door that has been shut begins to open…As the door opens, we see that the present is absolute and that, in a sense, the whole universe begins right now, in each second. And the healing of life is in that second of simple awareness…Healing is always just being here, with a simple mind.”~ Charlotte Joko Beck

Simply be aware. Write down the thoughts that repeat themselves and are painful. Nothing more is needed. You can do it.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re contemplating joining a group, together staying in awareness and studying the mind…we start in only 2 months with A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind. Ooooh, it’s gonna be good. Click right below on the top of the list to read about it. Payment plan available, just ask.

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Outer Ducks and Inner Ducks

All the many of you with questions about Powerful Living, click HERE to hopefully get them all answered. Amazing fee of only $69 for our first time, as three women (me included) combine to offer a rockin’ awesome workshop for women in Seattle. We want you!

Lately in the past year, I’ve been asked by many people for sessions in how to market, or grow a business, or get clients, or create workshops, or for copies of my curriculum.

Quite a few people think I’ve really gotten my ducks in a row, as the saying goes.

So odd, I’ve had a funny feeling about it…..like “your’re askin’ ME? I have no idea!”

I realize of course I DO have ideas, many of them, and I am virtually bursting with energy and joy and eagerness to learn….and honestly, even if it sounds hokey, the feeling of being of great service.

When I work with people who have had enormous struggles with weight, body acceptance, cravings for food, compulsive and emotional eating….I stopped talking about the actual details of the food a long time ago.

In other words, I knew not to talk about diet, nutrition, calories, raw vs cooked, vegan, meat, junk food, sugar, wheat, dairy….or whatever else has been educational and so important for people.

Those topics fill whole master’s degrees in nutrition and cellular biology. Each person is unique and every single body has its own path. All kinds of things contribute to what works and what doesn’t.

There are incredible experts in the world who can really, really help with this piece…it’s the part where you get your outer ducks together.

You research, read, consult experts, and land on your personal approach to food. You feel what it is for your body, based on many contributing factors. I have loved, for example, learning about ayurvedic medicine. But that is NOT for everyone.

My skill and passion is in getting the inner ducks in a row.

If someone said “tell me what you eat all day every day” then I know they are feeling really shaky about all the outer messages about what is right, wrong, good, bad, best, or worst way to eat. They don’t know that they can find out what’s best for them.

It’s normal to feel super crazy uncertain about all of it. Especially when we’ve lost any sense of inner trust with ourselves. Especially when something is new and we Don’t Know Anything.

But what if you just arrived from another planet, and you had no idea which food (or marketing) was “good” or “bad”, and you knew this universe was friendly, and you’re ready for the adventure of learning?

What if everything edible had some beauty in it, and there was no danger of making a mistake, or missing something, or doing it wrong?

What if you learned only what was appealing to study, without any “shoulds” or “have-to’s”.

You might be like me, and give up reading nutrition and diet books (at least for now). Although I’m grateful for the knowledge I gained from the ones I did read.

You might also be NOT like me, and become an amazing dietician, offering people ideas and education and saving them years of time and energy.

Running a business and working with people one-to-one and creating workshops and marketing and writing….all of these pieces of what I know have been like the diet/nutrition side of success. The end result, the outer duck activity. Not really my forte or what I find as fun.

With marketing and running a business, I am a baby. I’ve learned a ton, I’ve tossed out stuff, I’ve found some things very appealing, I’ve found others smelly.

I’ve questioned my thinking.

My own little path, landing here on this planet and starting to learn and read and gather and research about how people offer service in exchange for making a living. Mixing it all in with my unique interests.

If you are on the path of service and you are “in business” for yourself, and especially if you’re new at it, you may have lots of questions…

….but I say here as a reminder, remember to look at your inner reasons for feeling overwhelmed, or uncertain, or like you don’t know.

Yes, you will and can read, take classes, go to lectures, consult professionals.

But inside, get those inner ducks in a row, and everything will be easier and things will become clear.

Who would you be without your story that you don’t know what to do (and you should) or that you don’t have business or sales experience (its too hard to learn) or that you feel too scared of rejection or that you just need to know the right business “diet” and then all will be well?

You might encounter today the one little interesting step you can take in building your business that has total integrity for you.

You might feel the joy of DIY (doing it yourself) and creating out of nothing something that makes a difference.

“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arriving. A good artist lets his intuition lead him wherever it wants. A good scientist has freed himself of concepts and keeps his mind open to what is.”~Tao Te Ching #27

I know that whoever you are, whatever work you do, whatever business you’re starting, whatever body you have, whatever relationship you’re in or out of….you are in exactly the right place, right now, with the right amount of love and knowledge, and a mind that can question itself.

To think otherwise is very stressful. I speak from experience.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to do something or add something to yourself or get something….or else you will fail?

“As soon as you grant this moment its right to be, there’s total stillness.”~Adyashanti

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re ready to work on the Inner Ducks and see if they at least begin to assemble into a row (ha)…then the next Earning Money class starts in June on Thursday evenings Pacific time. We get deep into all the stressful thoughts we’re having about what we need more of, or less of, to be successful (and what is success or failure, anyway?) Doing what you do, whether at a job or in business, with freedom, is more fun than doing it because you should, you need to, or you have to. Click below on the Earning Money link to register. This class fills these days, limited to 10 people max.

 

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Ouch This Shouldn’t Hurt

Today I am moving very slowly as I injured my back yesterday being my crazy energetic self while dancing.

Yesterday, wild dancing. Today, resting and taking ibuprofen.

In the past, I would have been soooooooo upset about this injury. OUCH! This hurts! Dang-it, why wasn’t I more careful! I should have known better! I hate this!!!

Strangely, today I immediately saw advantages. I knew not to go to the gym or do any exercise, but to stay quietly at home. I worked with clients only. I checked emails, I had time to return some inquiries from the weekend about upcoming workshops.

But I’ve had the thought creep in before…OMG, what if this pain stayed this way? What if I didn’t get better? What if I had to endure ongoing pain? There was someone in the Pain, Sickness and Death class who has constant back pain! Oh no! I could have the same!

I have the thought in the back of my mind…this may be fine for now, but by TOMORROW, I may hope it’s fixed.

So here I am with this body, feeling this sensation I call pain today, holding quite still, and I can remember feeling sorry for myself, and what it feels like to have something happen…perhaps something quite “big” like a major huge accident that results in permanent change…

…and I discover once again the connection between what I believe about this body and what I believe about the universe.

If I think and believe that I can be injured…and right after this thought, I clench off internally and set forth to build a good defense and prevention measures.

I don’t feel free to live, move, be, venture out…I feel like I have to be careful.

Byron Katie says “Don’t be careful, you might hurt yourself”.

Seriously?

Yet most of us “get” the nauseating or hardness of being careful, careful, careful and not trying anything new or experimenting or feeling free.

If I think that being “hurt” is depressing, sad, discouraging, hopeless, frustrating or terrifying….then I’ll work hard to make sure I don’t get hurt. Because I don’t like those feelings.

I’m believing the feelings come from being hurt. It sure seems like that. Without getting hurt, none of those feelings. With getting hurt, the stressful feelings come.

But can we be sure the two are connected?

The mind can appear quite logical. It deduces that a) getting hurt is very bad, b) it is possible to avoid getting hurt, c) since getting hurt is very bad, I must learn how to avoid it, d) if I do not avoid it, I will suffer.

What if I could feel the sensation of what I am calling “pain” and at the very same time, drop the thought that there is something I need to do about it, or fix, or change, or learn in a hard way?

NOOOO! Then I would go on running into things, getting hurt around any corner, randomly suffer because of contact with objects (or people, for that matter)! I need to pay attention! I need to be vigilant! I need to be VERY VERY CAREFUL!

Which is more stressful though….thinking I need to fix this and be very careful, or thinking I’m fine and something beyond me is already on its way to balance and healing?

Because, when I think about what is true….I know that something far beyond me, something mysterious and wonderful is moving things into balance inside this pulled muscle right now, as I write.

And the Universe, the reality all around me, is moving into goodness and balance and healing.

Even in the middle of a woman (me) with a pulled back muscle, and with people who got into car accidents today, and people who are living with cancer, and people terribly injured…there is something next, and next, and next and there is movement into that “next”.

I can feel the difference between my mind now, that is open to the wild, crazy, unpredictable universe in a different way than it once was….open to whatever this thing is called pain, open to not-knowing, open to even this being “friendly”.

And if “friendly” is a little much for you right now, that’s OK. You can just see about the universe being “neutral” instead of mean and evil and dangerous.

Back injured. Good news. Hushed morning, not moving from couch. Talking with clients. Sun streaming in the window. Silence. Reading. Excited as the body slows, deciding its definitely time to call that massage person, looking up yoga classes. Change.

Good news. Universe as my friendly co-conspirator could be saying “happy quiet moment” for some amazing reason.

I watch. This is not about denial and trying to be “positive”. This is noticing what IS positive, even when something difficult happens.

I once met a woman who had been in a car wreck, where her husband and one daughter were killed, and she and another daughter had lived. I felt the pain well inside as I heard her story, the whole thing, from the beginning.

Terrible pain. The kind I might say to myself “I could not ever handle that”. My heart wells up inside me even remembering her.

And gratitude. Because she started an organization to help people with sudden trauma and death know what to do next. She’s helped police teams and fire fighters learn how to guide people best when there is sudden death.

Another woman I know created a website dedicated to putting your will and all paperwork and items together for if your loved ones die unexpectedly, after her husband was killed.

Who would you be without that thought that you have to be careful?

Alive, slowing down, moving on, resting, bursting out. Living now.

Noticing that everything comes and goes, things rise up to be attended to, then they fade away not needing any attention at all.

Tears flow, grief, then quiet, then pain, then rest, then love. Beauty everywhere.

This sensation of pain is here in this universe for this body today, and it’s OK. I am not alone, and I don’t “have” to do anything. I don’t have to know anything.

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.”~Tao Te Ching #71

If you know you’d like to open to not-knowing and to see how your thoughts and feelings about bodies relate to your thoughts and feelings about the universe, then come to Breitenbushat the end of June. Four days of the work can shift your perceptions in a most profound way.

Love, Grace

P.S. Pacific Northwesterners! Come join the new Powerful Living workshop May 3-4 in West Seattle with three powerful guides, offering three powerful modalities; The Work (yours truly), Nia movement, and Systemic Constellations. You’ll bring one important issue to shift, open to not-knowing what you’ve known so far about it, and energize it with power.

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The Power of Two (Or More)

Last Friday the telegroup “Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven” met for our fourth session, out of eight. What a wonderful group of inquirers!

One thing several people on the call commented on were the strides they feel they are making in their internal inquiry as they connect with others, as opposed to the time they’ve spent doing The Work all by themselves.

Ooooh boy, do I know that one.

Sitting by myself, even after all these years, my mind wants to move as fast as a runaway train.

Sitting with my own mind also reminds me of Einstein’s famous quote that “no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

DOH!

I know this is one of the reasons I am in this profession, doing this facilitating, being with others.

My own mind, left to its imagination, creativity, nuttiness and tendency to go off the rails gets back on track speedy quick with the presence of someone else.

I can empathize and relate to everyone who comes to be facilitated. I have never found someone who has had thoughts that I have not had. And the wonderful part is that they come along with their thoughts and bring them to my door, and I LOVE the opportunity.

I don’t have to wait to go through that experience myself. I don’t have to live through it first hand, like they did. I hold the space with them, and we look together.

It’s completely selfish. Someone comes to me, and I feel so honored and happy to sit with them in whatever dark, awful, horrible pain they are experiencing or picturing or living in…because with TWO of us…the questions get answered.

I’ve said it before, but it’s one of my favorite quotes from the bible “where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst”.

The “I” of course being christ, the mysterious, the center, the divine, the holy, the sacred.

Amazing. Eye-opening.

In Buddhism, this is called sangha. A group journeying together.

Today, if it appeals, allow yourself to speak with great honestly to someone else on the planet. If you want to do The Work, call the Help Line (www.thework.com) or call someone to facilitate you. Email me to set up a session.

Or sign up for a class (just look at the long list below!)

Or come to Breitenbush Hotsprings and hang out with an amazing group of individuals who are ready to dive in to questioning beliefs about being here on the planet in a body…all the dangers, turmoil, worry, pain, sickness, trauma, imperfections, consternation.

I love that it doesn’t ultimately matter what you are looking at…whether its a body, or a person, or money, or the vacuuming….if you feel sadness or fear or anger when you look, then there’s an opportunity there to do The Work.

“Taking refuge in the sangha means taking refuge in the brotherhood and sisterhood of people who are committed to taking off their armor. “~Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

P.S. Another workshop coming up in Seattle May 3-4 that combines The Work, the body and movement (Nia) and emotional healing using Systemic Constellations. More on that soon. It will be an awesome powerful sangha.

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It’s Not Your Fault

One of the most excruciating, shameful thoughts that a person can have about a troubling relationship or situation is “it’s my fault”.

Even if you know it’s not ALL your fault, and there were many factors involved, your mind will scan the scene for your part in it, what you did wrong, how you could have done it better.

Some of us are more prone to this than others. We may find some control in thinking about how we can fix ourselves, since the rest of the world is hopeless to fix.

It’s not you….it’s me!

I was facilitating a sweet client last week who said that sometimes when he does The Work, he is flattened by the turnarounds….when he finds the opposite to his thinking and the new, opposite concept is very self-critical.

Byron Katie says that every turnaround should feel like a kiss, not a slap.

In other words, if I think “she is a mean, lying, betrayer” and I find the turnaround at the end of my work process “I am a mean, lying, betrayer”….then I don’t condemn myself to hell.

Instead, I see how I am human, and so was she. Everyone being themselves, doing the best they can with what they know.

Everyone is doing the absolute best they can in any given moment. If they knew how to do it better, THEY WOULD. Including you.

The beliefs come into place sometimes at a very young age. The beliefs are all set up based on what we learn and what others have done and what we’re observing from the world around us.

We feel pain or stress and we defend, we get scared, we panic, we shut down, we do whatever we can to brace against our beliefs or our conclusions….

…..and then with The Work we can look again and see if we can find a different viewpoint.

As we look back at situations that are troubling, we can review and understand them differently, by asking the Four Questions:

  • is it true, what I am thinking as I remember that situation?
  • can I absolutely know that what I am thinking is TRUE?
  • how do I react when I believe that?
  • who would I be if I couldn’t even have that stressful thought, who would I be without the thought at all?
  • turning my thoughts around to the opposite, could that ALSO be true?

It’s never all black or white, it’s never 100% in one camp, or one way.

Every human being has some loving quality or capacity for awareness.

Even that person who was so terrible, and you got in their way somehow….if they knew better how to handle their life situation, they would have.

No one truly wants to hurt others. People seem to be very drawn to love and joy, have you noticed? Some of us get so mixed up when it seems that those around us are unhappy, that we start to think we did something wrong, or we wish desperately we could help them.

Violence, lying, betrayal, judgment, aggression, paralysis….all of these are feelings and behaviors in an attempt to get safe, to get back on solid ground.

There is an assumption that something is terribly wrong and the way to get it right is with force, or secrecy, or attack, or self-improvement (or self-condemnation).

Perhaps we had it modeled to us or we concluded that we need to lie, or be judgmental, or be tough, or hold things in, or attack ourselves and not other people, in order to remain safe, in order not to be terrified.

But what if we did not believe that what happened is anyone’s fault? Not 100%, even if it seems like it and the person did something pretty “big” to change the course of things.

No one’s fault. Not theirs, and not yours….not the universe or God’s fault either.

“The enlightened mind is never separate from another mind, as there really is only one mind (if any). Not ever. The open mind always understands its own nature and is always open to more understanding, in the ever-shifting expansion of its own creation.”~ Byron Katie

Doing The Work and finding your own innocence can be tough. You may feel vulnerable, you may feel small, you may feel so very sad. You may push away the idea that it’s not your fault. It may seem so puzzling that it happened…if it’s not my fault, then why? WHY?!

But you may enter new territory. If you let yourself open to the idea that none of this is anyone’s fault….you may be filled with love. You may take in love. For that other person who hurt you….for yourself.

Below is a 4 minute clip from Good Will Hunting, the beautiful movie of an honest healing relationship between client and counselor. (Thank you Jack for sending it to me).

Who would you be without the thought that it really is not anyone’s fault?

Click here and know I’m giving you a big hug:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18

Love, Grace

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All Roads Enhanced By The Work

This Grace Note came from last year….I was looking through them today and decided to send this out. You can always find all of them on my website (search the archive on the side bar to the right).

The Work and Other Modalities:

One thing I love about The Work, is that it’s not one thing.

What I mean, is that it seems to incorporate into just about all types of therapies and practices and makes them better.

When I was in graduate school studying psychology, I learned about many famous therapists and their ideas about how to help humans stop suffering.

I also tried just about everything that was put in front of me (no, I’m not  talking about food…although as you know from my food stories that on a binge, I did eat everything in front of me….but I digress, that is not the topic today).

I tried every kind of retreat, workshop, lecture, book, method, exercise, plan, orientation, spiritual practice that might help me understand life and live a better one.

All the way from Arthur Janov’s “Primal Scream,” that was popular in the 1970s where clients cried their guts out and screamed and beat pillows with a tennis racket.

To Freudian three-times-a-week talk therapy with a psychoanalyst. Good ol’ Freud with his talk about “transference” and childhood trauma and “projections”.

Carl Rogers was one of my favorite authors and therapists, and learning about his life and what he called “unconditional positive regard” with clients,  really hearing them, was so sweet, so wonderful to hear that this alone helped people transform themselves.

I loved sitting in a “gestalt” workshop once where all the teachings were from Fritz Perls and we role-played like actors….the way Katie works with people, acting the part of that very person who is driving us nuts.

And I’ve spent hours in meditation retreats, listening to the incredible teachings of thoughtful, beautiful individuals who have worked with their own minds and questioned them (I’ll be sitting again with a teacher Stephan Bodian in a week who has accompanied me this year on a wonderful inner journey).

And the sharing in 12 steps! Revealing all the darkness, bleakest, rock-bottom stories of extreme suffering to other supportive and honest people who have walked the same walk.

Everything has had its sweet, perfect place. In every room, group, therapist, retreat, or workshop there is wisdom, learning….and there are also PEOPLE!

And if there’s not a disturbing, boring, annoying, broken, sad or difficult person….then there’s the weather, or the traffic or the poor quality of the hand-outs! Ha! Voila! The four questions!

Now that I have The Work I notice that asking the four questions enhances every single one of these theories or modalities I’ve encountered over the years. What an adventure.

I love how we humans are thirsty for knowledge, learning, understanding, seeking, reading, analyzing….thirsty for peace. I love how the Work can bring it.

If you’re ready to enjoy a group setting for four days at a mountain spa retreat in Oregon, USA, then join the amazing group forming for Breitenbush at the end of June.

Love, Grace