September 2016 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

September 26, 2016

You do not have to be good.

depressionbrickwall — Are your thoughts about yourself creating a brick wall of suffering? Who would you be without your negative thoughts….about you?

This past weekend I had the privilege of being with a small group led by someone who has had first hand practice in The Work of Byron Katie for thirty years: Katie’s daughter, Roxann.

My favorite thing about her story and her insights was describing how she used to do The Work with her mom, and Katie would say “you can’t harm a human being and not feel the effects….and YOU are a human being.”

In other words, when we tell ourselves awful, nasty, vicious things, when we’re harsh with ourselves, when we do things we find dishonorable or out of our own integrity (even with no one else around)….

….we feel bad.

And it’s amazing how powerful the Self-Attack Voice can be.

I once heard Annie Lamott, the beautiful writer, call it radio station KFCK.

Something happens, you’re triggered, you turn on the radio, you find the channel, you tune in, and here comes a constant stream of “I hate you” language, followed immediately by “you suck” feelings.

Yikes. It really hurts.

And of course, what I always used to do with this voice constantly talking in the background (sometimes screaming), was to do everything possible to make up for my wrong-doing, to improve myself, to fix me, to become a better person, to eliminate the negative (and when this didn’t work….eat, or whatever escape mechanism of choice was available).

It’s a lot of work.

Instead, what if we invited that voice to come in for tea, and we questioned it instead, or had a more civilized conversation?

I know, I know….we’re inviting in a crazy screaming person, but what if they’ve been screaming because they’re trying to help, and we’ve been ignoring them?

This morning, I noticed when I woke up…..wait, what’s that sound?

I hear something in the other room. Do you hear it? Oh my….yup. It’s that radio station I just mentioned!

It’s saying: “You should have finished the outline yesterday, you’ll never get your project done. You have one day to finish laundry, have you packed yet for your trip tomorrow? No, I thought as much. Leaving things until last minute again. You didn’t read the whole book, either, the only homework required for the program. You try to do too much. You don’t do enough. You haven’t meditated recently. Why’d you buy organic jelly beans at the grocery store?”

So today, let’s slow down and be with this voice, directed to ourselves.

I like asking these questions, when it comes to this voice: What is this voice most afraid of? What’s it trying to ultimately accomplish? What’s it worried about? Why does it think you should follow it’s directions? What’s the worst that could happen, if you don’t?

I sit and consider the answer.

You can do this right now, if you want.

Pause.

What’s that voice really scared about?

I’m failing. I’m not good enough. I can’t ever do it right. I’m not worthy. I made a mistake. I am abandoned. It’s possible to be banished. I could die.

I notice this feeling is like a gut wrench right in the middle of my stomach. My chest feels like dust is stuck inside my lungs. My body feels tired. I feel nauseated. I feel like giving up.

I feel very, very sad.

And what if now, we asked some simple, yet deep, questions about this kind of voice, energy, judgment, conditioning?

Called The Work.

First question: Is it true that you are personally not good enough, unworthy, or need to be somewhere else? Are you sure you can’t feel love and joy for yourself, that you made a mistake?

No.

If you answer “yes” then be sure to ask the second question: Can you absolutely know this is true without a doubt, for all time?

No.

Even if you say “yes” keep going.

Next question: How do you react, what happens, when you believe you should have done it differently, you’ve got something “wrong” here, you’re unworthy of acceptance and kindness in this moment?

How do you react when the way you are….scares you?

I notice I feel small, tight, closed. I feel like a victim. I actually behave like a victim of my own KFCK radio station as it plays on.

A few weeks ago, someone in the brand new Year of Inquiry group wrote to me and said how overwhelmed she felt about beginning this work as a constant practice, because as she wrote her worksheets on other people, and turned everything around, it all came back to herself. She’s doing it wrong. She’s got the qualities of “badness” she’s seeing in others. She’s screwed up.

But as Byron Katie says “turnarounds should feel like a kiss, not a slap!”

These attack-thoughts, or outward-movement thoughts, are only there and alive because they’ve been passed along and it’s the way you learned.

A “Fear Based Religion” as Roxann said this weekend.

I’m believing in fear, I’m believing fear will “make” me snap out of it, pull it together, and shape up! I’m believing that fear will make me change, or wake up. I’m 100% positive I’m asleep.

I’m forgetting the power of love, acceptance, and open hands, not tight fists. For some weird reason, it seems easy to forget “love” as the power. We’re not familiar with this way. We didn’t learn it. We’re not sure we can trust it.

And yet.

Who would you be without your story you’ve done something wrong? Who would you be without the story you need to fix yourself, or wake up, or be any different, or shape up, or prevent terrible things from happening?

Who would you be right now in this moment, as you read these words and consider “being” without believing anything’s wrong with you whatsoever?

Again, it may be time to pause.

Feeling what it’s like to be without the thoughts that something’s missing, something’s wrong, something’s bad, something’s off…..about you.

Without believing your thoughts of self-condemnation….

….you may just have a good cry.

Turning these thoughts around: I’m succeeding. I’m good enough. I constantly doing it right. I’m worthy. There is no mistake. I am connected, I am love. It’s not possible to be banished. I am living.

All is well. I am safe. No mistake. No mistake. No mistake.

Turning it around: My thinking is failing, not good enough, constantly believing in wrongness, unworthy, making mistakes, believing in banishment, believing death is terrible and to be avoided.

And what if this is good news, that my THINKING can’t find answers, or fix everything, or correct all potential emergencies or problems, or make everything better?

That’s a lot to put on the energy of “thought”….right?

What if something else is here, besides all the frantic, chaotic, mean thinking? Simply being.

Simply being.

Who are we, without the story that we have to believe our thoughts?

I noticed, as I inquired this morning….silence.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Much love,

Grace

September 24, 2016

Do endings, loss and death mean…..it’s true?

Work With Grace — Who would you be without this sad, scary story?

Have you ever known someone close to you to become ill, get injured, or find out something devastating?

Yes, everyone’s had this kind of moment in life.

“Dad’s got cancer.”

I remember hearing these words from my mom.

A panic began to rise inside, instantly.

What does this mean? Wait…what? What kind? What happened? Why? What’s going to happen?

The mind is filled with pictures, imagination, possibilities, trying to grab information desperately.

A huge NO fills the body. No, I can’t take this. No, this can’t be happening. No.

When the “worst” thing happens, it’s shocking.

When my dad was receiving treatment for leukemia, which lasted about two years, he was sometimes very sick, sometimes better. He lived just about exactly the length of time they anticipated. The doctors knew so much about the disease, and trying all kinds of ways to make it go away. To fight it.

That was a long, long time ago in my life experience. I was in my twenties, living pretty close by to the big house I grew up in.

I didn’t have inquiry, but my mind had so many questions. Constant questions. Disturbed questions. Questions I had no answer for, couldn’t answer.

Many years later, when I discovered self-inquiry and The Work by reading Loving What Is, I thought….

….well, it’s good for feeling angry and upset with your neighbor (judge your neighbor, right?)….

….but I didn’t even imagine using The Work for situations of life and death.

But then, I was in a weekend workshop with Byron Katie, never having successfully “done” The Work after reading her book, and I recognized one of my greatest, deepest, terrifying, sad, frustrations in life was…..death.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had a very weird and troubled relationship with loss, change, things being temporary, endings.

The biggest ending of all being “death”. The biggest “neighbor” I wanted to judge was loss, death.

I had something, and now it’s gone. I have something, and I will lose it.

My health, my boyfriend, my wife, my kid, love, my life, my daughter, my house, my necklace, my guitar, my friend, my dad.

It was mine. I had it.

Now it’s lost. It’s gone. Or will be.

Forever.

This is hard for some people to think about. Well, I speak for myself.

It’s hard to look at these places that have been so painful. But oh so powerful for The Work.

Stay with me here, and let’s do it today.

As you see those things, places, times or people you lost….

Is it true you lost them?

Yes. All gone.

Are you absolutely sure? Do you know this in the most deep, absolute way?

Are you positive the energy, love, kindness is lost? Are you sure it’s gone, just because you can’t see it or touch it? Are you sure everything about it is completely 100% gone?

Do you need it to be present physically, in order to be happy?

Wow. No. Not really.

I should still have that person, that thing, that other situation.

Is this true?

Who would I be without these thoughts?

Who would I be without BELIEVING these thoughts?

I notice no thoughts hang around 24/7 without one single other thought coming in for a visit. There are seconds, moments, of other thoughts.

The day my father died, I am quite sure I drank water. I went to the bathroom.

Probably several times. I was capable of having that thought to get up and go. It appeared. I went. People brought food. I ate a little. I breathed. I spoke to my sisters and my mom. I stayed. I was there, holding my dad’s hand as he died.

Who would you be without the belief you lost her? You lost him? You lost it?

I’m not saying something profound didn’t happen. But I love how I like to write about my dad’s death, as I feel the tears sometimes still arise, “it was unbelievable.”

That’s what we say about profound moments, eyes-wide-open moments, present moments, astonishing moments.

Unbelievable.

Turning the thought around: I did not lose my father. I will never lose him.

I lost myself. I lost awareness.

I believed I couldn’t survive loss. I believed there was nothing here, remaining, with myself. I believed I had something, it was mine, and now it’s gone.

Who would you be without your story of losing?

“It’s your body–can you absolutely know that that’s true? That’s a very old concept. ‘This is mine. I say so’….It’s not yours. Just because you believe it doesn’t make it true. When you know that you’re not that, you can sit back and watch.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Could this be also the case for my father? My house? My childhood? My earrings?

Not mine in the first place.

And not required for living, or loving, or happiness, I notice.

Today, can I find evidence for how I gained, how I received, how I lived….instead of the opposite customary sadness?

It doesn’t mean “trying” to be positive and fakey or plastic or thrilled about death or loss.

But I have discovered, with The Work, it’s miraculous to wonder who I would be without my stories of death and loss, and to find examples of joy, acceptance, receiving, kindness, even benefits for what has happened….

….and maybe even though I apparently lost….I also found.

Maybe all my thoughts about death and loss are….

….unbelievable.

Much love,

Grace

September 22, 2016

Are you playing the game “pass it on”?

fooretreat Old memories. Scenes from childhood. Flashes of color, sound, movements. Feelings.

We all have these kinds of memories. Even if you’re one of those folks who says “I can’t rememberanything from my childhood.”

You still might have pictures floating through your mind’s eye of mother, father, grandma, great grandfather, first grade classroom, best friend, doll house, TV show, sister, brother, cousin, chicken pox, Narnia, pet.

But it’s true, the mind can’t really remember exactly what happened, or even see it with crystal clarity.

How do we work with foggy old scenes and memories? And why would we want to in the first place?

Well….no one has to go back in time that far, especially if you just don’t have a clear picture anyway….

….but one thing I noticed while doing The Work for awhile was I got a feeling within when thinking about family, or places I lived, or the walk to school.

Sometimes very pleasant, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes….

….awful.

Now, we know with The Work, the first step is to identify a moment in time, a situation filed in the mind, where something happened that was unpleasant, uncomfortable, or really distressing.

This invitation isn’t new with The Work.

There’s wisdom in revealing, unearthing, seeing, looking directly at the things that frighten us. Humans have done it for decades, maybe centuries, as we’ve examined suffering, love, and peace, and life’s meaning. There’s even power in telling a story, and having it heard by others (especially without trying to solve it).

The awesome thing about The Work is….looking at the story in such a deep way, you’re able to question your assumptions.

Why is this so powerful?

Because sometimes, those assumptions are not true.

Yes, the event happened. Yes, those people said those mean words. Yes, it was so unbelievably difficult, your heart broke into a million pieces. Yes, you felt loss.

But THEN what happened?

What I noticed is, I’d make conclusions about the Whole of Life because of what my dad said, or how my mom acted.

I didn’t stop to question the truth-for-all-time.

Guess what happens when you assume that the way reality exists around you MEANS the WHOLE world is like this?

You suffer.

At least I sure did.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up men’s feelings really easily. Grown up men are kind, loving, sad and depressed. They seem really sweet when they wear wire-rimmed glasses and read lots of books. Tread lightly around men, though, they could easily be sad and needy.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up women’s feelings really easily. Grown up women are caring, involved, give orders, don’t take no for an answer, and have high and very intense standards. Make sure you pay attention to what they want, and give it to them. Otherwise, they’ll write you off, or get very angry.

Just a couple of examples.

It seemed like my mind could generalize like nobody’s business.

I was swimming in the influence of the people immediately around me, and then started having contact with others of course, and adding to the files of “What Life Contains”.

Without any questioning, you can go on being careful forever.

When I lived like that, I always had to find my little hidey hole, like a tiny crab, and put up a few walls around me so I was safe.

It was a lot of work.

It resulted in lots of anxiety if anything appeared in my reality that was unusual. It resulted in lots of running away from people who scared me, or not saying “no” or “yes” clearly to others or myself. It resulted in lots of compulsive behavior like overeating and isolating. It resulted in lots of trying to find answers for how to feel peaceful in life.

Now, don’t get me wrong.

The honest truth is there is no Always Peaceful All The Time on the human level for most of us. Right?

If a big loud bang happened right now, my eyes would suddenly jump from my laptop, I’d go open the front door and look outside, my heart might race, my mind would wonder what was going on?

If I was on the deck of the Titanic and it was going down, I’d probably be trying to find something to float on.

But who would I be without the belief that what I’ve experienced in this story of life….

….means “be careful” or “this is forever sad” or “I can’t get over it” or “death” or “all is lost permanently” or “this is the way it is and it’s horrible” or “Emergency!!!!!”?

Who would I be without my story, without the story of my history?

What if I went back to my old original founding stories, and imagined that whatever has happened, anything at all (but especially anything frightening), is not totally intolerable, or a warning of what is to be avoided, or what could be worse?

Who would I be without one thought from the past, just one thought at a time?

I notice it doesn’t mean I SHOULD be without any thoughts (this would be another interpretation or assumption that would be somewhat disappointing)….

….it just means I’m not entirely overrun by my mind, and “thinking”, and the sad or scary story I am so sure is true.

I’m free to Not Know.

What if what happened with the people around me when I was really little, with a mind gathering information and making comparisons, and filing Safety Rules….

….was not such a sad, terrible, difficult, horrible story?

What if I could turn it around, with this brilliant thinking mind, and use my imagination to see benefits, or support, or love, or silence, or that I’m still alive?

I have found questioning these ancient stories, some of them go back to ways of being that existed before my family. My mother’s parents, my father’s parents, and their parents before them….

….all kept saying “watch out” and “be careful” and “life is horrible”….

….”pass it on”.

What if I could stop passing it on, by questioning these stories?

It doesn’t have to be so big, either.

Just one thought at a time.

“No one told me there was a way out, short of death. I thought you had to die of this body to get out of this….Think about the torture your mind has been sometimes, and there’s no way out. These people who kill themselves, they have no other way of dealing with it. And for me, when I had no other way of dealing with it, it looked like an act of mercy…And I came to see through questioning my mind that there’s a whole other way out. So I really stayed with it, and I found my way out.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

If you want to question your stories, especially about the past, we’ll be doing it in October right where I live and work in northeast Seattle in Goldilocks Cottage (named by my friends when I moved in).

It may be easier than you think.

Four days. Learn more about it here.

Much love,Grace

September 20, 2016

Eating Peace: Three to Seven…the one scale you need for eating freedom

You’ve probably heard of numbers, scales, measurements and weights when it comes to solutions for eating.

I had so many numbers in my head around eating, my body and food, it was totally overwhelming….and infuriating.

Ugh.

Who wanted another number that I had to pay attention to, and feel like a failure if I didn’t? Why couldn’t I find the natural ease I knew was my birthright, when it came to eating?

Well, here is my one scale that I loved learning about (the first version I ever encountered was from Geneen Roth, thank you for your inspiration, Geneen).

Yes, this scale has numbers in it. But it’s OK. It’s supportive, expansive, based on what reality truly is. It gave my mind something to do. My mind rather appreciates numbers and measuring things.

You can use this scale, this step, to slow down and consider, as you eat.

I also give you two easy thoughts of encouragement, to help you use the scale in a way that works for you.

Much love,

Grace

September 18, 2016

Relationships are hard.

Someone in Year of Inquiry sent me a great question the other day:

How do I do The Work on my feeling that Relationships are Too Hard?

I just don’t want to even try, because….too hard.

She meant love relationships. Partners. Romance. Attraction.

It’s so interesting how the mind does this….It comes up with huge broad statements about All Love Relationships.

We all do it.

The thing is, I replied to her, you may not find much satisfaction or clarity or awareness if you simply question this general thought “relationships are too hard.”

There are a few steps, first, that make the work far more personal, deep and effective.

If you do this first step, you’ll get your personalized prescription for happiness (which is what you so long for in the first place).

Here’s the step, which I suggested:

First, write down, like you’re journaling just for yourself, why you think relationships are too hard. So hard, you’d prefer not to have one.

Where’s your proof?

What is your evidence for them being so very hard….so difficult, troubling, confusing that you’ve concluded (or a part of you has) it’s not worth the trouble?

Byron Katie asks this question…”where is your proof??!”

Stop being so general.

Notice what your own experience has been that tells you they’re hard, all these love relationships.

What’s so great is….a few hours later, this lovely inquirer replied back that she had done her first-step work.

She had a list of moments or situations in primary love relationships that appeared to be hard.

But mostly, her former marriage was the hardest of all.

That one.

That one was so hard, it seems it would be better to never have had it. Many bad memories, painful experiences, moments of feeling criticized, blamed, hurt, unappreciated. It was especially screwy when it came to money. And this was a huge big concern with other relationships.

The next step?

You can write in your journal again: Make a list of incidents, situations, communications in that previous marriage that were “hard”. If money is involved in your “hard” moments, then find situations where you’ve got proof.

Really hard. Horrible. The worst.

Now….you’ve actually got your real “proof” of truth….your proof of why relationships can be so hard. It’s specific. It’s crystal clear. it’s vivid.

Relationships are hard because “this” (see bad picture in your mind) happens.

This kind of looking helps you find the entry point for The Work of Byron Katie. You need a specific moment or situation. Now you’ve got one.

As you picture the one difficult exchange, incident, situation in your mind….you can write your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet without editing, without holding back anything.

The Judge Your Neighbor worksheet will be golden, as you write about these situations so full of suffering, sadness, difficulty, and your “proof” that relationships are hard.

I know it’s “hard” remembering these situations in the first place….

….but when you complete The Work from start all the way to finish….

….the hard becomes easier.

A flashlight gets shined on the darkest, murkiest, foggiest places and you see specifically, personally, what the truth really is for you in those situations.

And when you “see” there’s less suffering. And less.

It’s worth it.

Because only then, can Relationships become easy.

Which they are.

My “thinking” about relationships was the hard part.

“There’s only one thing harder than accepting this, and that is not accepting it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

For help on any relationship, and going in for the real, deep work….come to Breitenbush Hotsprings in December for 3 days. Find out more right here.

Much love,Grace

September 16, 2016

Not Objecting to What Is with teenager, a laptop, and a queue the size of Montana

Ohhhh, yeah.

This is gonna be FANTASTIC, I have the BEST ideas.

I’m going to give my daughter a going-away present for college. Called my mac laptop airbook, the one I’m writing on right now.

Sure, it’s used. But it’s soooo amazing. It’s traveled with me without having one single weird or bad thing happen to it, oh trusted laptop, for 4 years. It’s got some good life left in it.

I need to upgrade so I can better support my classes and retreats. I need way more memory space on my machine. I’ve got curriculums designed, extensive feedback, photos to archive, and no one can find how to pay me on my website. Ever. Videos to make, podcasts to share. All created more easily on the new, faster-better laptop.

Win. Win.

I’m all excited. I tell her I’m going to do this, I can finally afford a device with more memory, and I’ll help her get all set up on mine.

She looks at me like….What??! Are you serious??!

“But mom, your computer will probably crash in one year. Macs are so junky, you have to upgrade them all the time. They only last five years! I don’t want that old thing, jeez!!”

Uhm. OK.

Not so Win Win as I thought.

This is not the first time, with this kid of mine, that I have it not only slightly off, but ENTIRELY WRONG.

However, I feel something inside and it’s different than the way I used to feel when she said things like this or surprised me with her reaction.

Calm.

Like, a shrug. Oh, OK. Got it.

I didn’t pursue it one more second. I’m not that surprised, I’m not hurt, I’m not having much of any reaction at all. (Every so often, wondering what she’s thinking about computers and if she needs one, then I forget about it).

A month goes by.

Daughter is leaving for college in 2 days. She approaches me as I sit on the couch writing.

“Mom….I don’t know what to do about a computer. I’m going to need one badly at college. I’m nervous.”

I look up and again, total calm–shocking. I say “remember I mentioned you could have this one?” I raise my laptop off my knees and tip my head.

“It’s all yours if you want it, I just need to get a replacement and figure out for sure if I can afford the upgrade.”

“Oh….I didn’t realize that’s what you meant before. Really??!!! That would be AWESOME.” She comes over and hugs me.

I have one day to go into the Apple Store and see what they’ve got, before she leaves for college, but I can’t tell you how different this pace and flow is from the past. The pace on the inside is total calm. The flow on the outside is just a relaxed ‘OK, we’ll see what happens’. No emergencies. No urgent wild freak-out. No saying she should have brought this up earlier, or figured it out weeks ago.

No saying “I TOLD you before and you were ungrateful, rude, and now it’s too late and rag, rag, rag….”

I just saw her cute eyes and her enthusiasm and her relief, and who knows what that was before, with the “junky macs” commentary. She didn’t even seem to remember it, and I didn’t require we go back there and review the “mistaken” communication in the past.

I’m just sayin’ here….there are results that I can find no other reason for happening than The Work.

I’ve sat with fuming feelings within around this daughter. I’ve felt hurt, and lost. I’ve felt confused, and shocked she doesn’t love exactly the same things as me. I’ve been mad she doesn’t vacuum before I have to ask. I’ve been startled at her forceful comments.

I’ve written a few worksheets.

I’ve imagined and felt what it would be like to Not Have The Belief she’s hurting me, she’s opposing me, she’s against me, she’s disrespecting me.

And now, I feel such gratitude for how much I love her and how wild and unexpected she is, like the weather, like reality….but always safe for me (I’ve never been hurt in her presence except by my own thoughts).

She’s been caring, challenging me. Like the ultimate “life” coach. She minces no words. She calls me on my B.S. especially when I expect people to like what I like.

TA: This is going just right.

I head down to the Apple store to check out the new goods, for myself, and get their help wiping my old laptop clean so my daughter can start fresh with her own stuff

Only….a small hitch.

There’s a line around the block of people waiting to get in to pick up their new Iphone 7.

For some reason….this is HILARIOUS.

I even go back 7 hours later and find….it’s even MORE crowded during early evening. They tell me no one can help me, too much hoopla over the Iphone thing. I’ll have to come check out new laptops another day.

I learn about ordering online, later, back at home.

Because I got to come back unexpectedly fast from the Apple Store, without anything new in my hands…..I got to see my former husband (father of my kids) bringing pizza over, talk to my son who stopped by for a couple of hours, help out with car-loading for the departure to college, and laugh.

Life is so funny.

This is strikingly different from what it used to be. When life was serious, irritating, gloomy and pointless.

Thank you, self-inquiry.

Thank you, “is it true?” question.

Thank you, imagination.

Keep going. Don’t stop doing The Work. This is definitely different, like a very, very, very slow dawning of the light. This is what being undisturbed is, on the inside. It’s OK if it leaves again (probably will) but oh what joy to get a taste of not objecting to what is.

Ha ha!

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious, and exactly what she needs. She sees that it’s a gift she has done nothing to deserve. She marvels at the way of it. She doesn’t make a distinction between sound and no sound, speaking of it or living it, seeing it or being it, touching it or feeling it touch her. She experiences it as constant lovemaking. Life is her own love story.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy 55

If you feel like practicing for four whole days next month, Thursday through Sunday October 13-16, then join the small group (maximum 14) Fall Retreat. We’re half way full. Seattle. Non-residential. Awesome. Come on over to my house. It will be good. Sign up here.

Much love,

Grace

September 13, 2016

Think too much? You are not alone.

One of my favorite moments in the brand new Year of Inquiry group, that just began last week, was when someone wrote to me on our little private group membership board….

….”I had no idea! And the individuals have all kinds of drama and angst just like me!”

There’s something so wonderful about realizing you are not alone.

As Byron Katie says….that there are no new thoughts.

This is quite profound.

All the thoughts you’ve ever had….all those terribly stressful, intense, horrifying, dramatic, terrible, selfish, condemning thoughts….

….all of them are Not New.

Isn’t this amazing?

You didn’t think your dreadful thoughts up! You didn’t invent them! It’s not some special problem, all yours, that you need to fix!

Who would you be without the belief that you’re twisted, messed up, wrong, deranged….that there’s something wrong with you, or your mind, and your thoughts?

Yesterday I was riding my bicycle on the very same trail I’ve been down hundreds of times. Hundreds.

The day was a late summer, gorgeous golden light day, with the poplar trees making that glorious sssshhhh-ing sound as I flew by.

In the middle of my ride, as my body is moving quickly (I notice this happens a lot while the physical form is busy) I wondered….

….what is without thought like, here?

Who am I without thoughts?

What’s going on here, if I didn’t have a thought?

Colors, sounds, people passing in the other direction on foot, or other bikers, or roller bladers. Shadows dancing. Leaves blowing. Green colors in all different shapes and sizes. The smell of blackberry bushes. The place I always turn around that I call the Infinity Tree (There are eight trunks. I’m serious. Eight trunks coming out of one tight circle of tree).

Who would I be in that moment, riding and peddaling along a river trail on a bike, without all the infinite thoughts that tend to appear?

It’s really…without BELIEVING the thoughts that appear.

Because thoughts appear….you can’t help it.

Your brain is running. If it’s empty, that’s OK. This is just noticing, what if there isn’t a “good” and a “bad” about mind creating thought?

What is believing?

This is a brilliant question.

Who would you be without believing your thought?

You only need to contemplate ONE thought at a time. Keep it simple. You don’t have to try to be someone without ALL thoughts, or some dramatic big wide goal to experience life, or a moment, without a thought. That would be tiring to try to do that.

But any of us can find what it’s like without believing.

I once heard the definition of “believing” is thinking the same thing over and over and over and over again and experiencing the feelings that accompany stressful thoughts over and over again, too.

That’s it.

Repetitive thinking along with feeling. Considering what you think to be true. Acting like it IS true. That’s believing.

Nothing more.

I noticed on the very same ride, I thought of someone I feel sad about. He left without saying goodbye. I wonder where he is now, if he’s alive and happy and thriving?

I think of this person almost every time I take a bike ride.

But who am I without the belief that anything I’m thinking….is true?

I am simply noticing. Noticing thought happens.

Noticing the SAME thoughts happen. (LOL, right)?

Who would you be without your story that thinking means anything? Or means what you think it means?

What if you are a human, with a mind and a brain and experiences….and you aren’t so different after all? You’ve got drama, and angst, and worry, and fear, and love, and kindness.

And something, some part of “you” that’s without thought.

You have THAT, too.

“Loving what is, is not accepting what is. It’s not kind of appreciating what is. It is loving what is. It is very exciting.” ~ Byron Katie

This is all of it.

“Thinking” and being a part of the human race. Sharing the same kind of mind.

Wondering about this stunning, thrilling question “who would you be without your thought?”

“Imagine that you are the Buddha under the Bodhi tree, or Christ in the desert, remaining perfectly still and unmoved by the body-mind’s nightmare. It may feel very real but it really is nothing more than a convincing illusion.” ~ Adyashanti

You are not alone. You can do this.

Much love,

Grace

September 12, 2016

There isn’t enough

notenoughmoney Have you ever had the thought, while looking at your bank account statement….

….this isn’t enough?

Haw.

Almost laughable to ask the question. Because it seems like everyone’s had this thought!

But when you really think about it….

….it’s a weird thought.

It’s all murky and foggy and has a never-ending feel to it and it can’t be proven true. A big blanket abstract thought. A generalized, common, broad thought. A very stressful thought that brings a lot of suffering

And a completely acceptable thought.

As in….of COURSE you should have the thought this isn’t enough.

Now, we’re talking about money, but pick your thing there isn’t enough of and follow along with this inquiry.

Love, enlightenment, wisdom, health, pleasure

Because it’s unusual to question it. We often just assume it’s true.

In the past, when I had this thought from time to time about money, I honestly had no full regard for why I had the thought, how I arrived at this thought, when I started believing this thought.

It was just a reactive experience I picked up:

I need more. Duh.

Danger Zone. More is better. Danger Zone. I’ll have to pay. Danger Zone. I’ll lose what I have. Danger Zone. The future is NOT bright.

So let’s explore. You’ll love this investigation about money, no matter how much you have, if you’ve ever wished for more and felt a little nervous…..or scared out of your mind.

First of all, when you look at that number, that pile, that quantity of money, you immediately go into what it is supposed to support and cover and get spent on, right.

You may have a general sense of the flow of money going in, going out, what the mortgage or rent bill is, what the utilities are every month, what you generally spend on groceries for your household, gas, transportation, clothing, bus fare, your annual meditation retreat, one plane ticket, a local art class, gifts, toothpaste.

But what if something terrible happens?

What if I lose my health care benefits? What if I can’t work anymore? What if someone sues me? What if someone steals it? What if I make a poor investment?

I gotta keep this, in a bucket, in a safe, under the mattress, in a special safe-deposit box with a key and about eight password codes and security guards.

What I noticed was….I did not find it very peaceful to worry about money. I did not find it peaceful to wish the quantity was bigger than it was, or that it remained at a certain number, or never got lower than “x”.

I wanted freedom.

I noticed I was not free, in that moment of thinking “this isn’t enough”, even with some money in my savings.

Well….for me, I had to lose it all first (almost all) before being willing to find freedom. You might want to inquire a little earlier. Just a suggestion.

So. You don’t have enough.

Is that true?

Yes. Oh yes. I would be so much happier with 10 times more than the amount I have, I’m sure this is true.

Wait, make that 100.

I would feel safe with more money. This isn’t quite enough. If anything happened…..

Is that really, absolutely true?

Is it absolutely true I’d be better off keeping my ginormous-mortgage house? Is it absolutely true I need to use money to go to retreats? Is it absolutely true I need money to pay for broken things, lawyers, or accidents in the future? Is it absolutely true I need extra money right now, in this moment?

But.

A car could crash through my front living room picture window. I saw it in the movies.

Ten years ago when I sat on my worn-to-a-pulp brown faux leather 1960s couch believing I needed more money in that moment, I thought….

…..well maybe not right now, since I’m breathing and fed and comfortable….

….but it could happen. I need to be prepared.

(Don’t even THINK about buying a new couch. Remember the money!!)

Who would you be without this belief, though? Without believing in needing more, in being prepared, in working and saving up and hoarding, er, I mean storing, money, so you can relax….later?

Deep breath.

Hold still a moment.

What if you didn’t believe there isn’t enough, or won’t be?

Look around.

Oh. I’d feel….curious. Relaxed.

I’d feel joy.

I wouldn’t count the money I have, over and over.

I’d feel so grateful for the amount I have, it’s just the right amount. It prevents too much retreat-going or self-help shopping. It allows me to say “no” clearly to my kids or others.

“Yes” and “No” are both free to be spoken. It’s efficient. I love paying for what I need, and if there’s leftovers, having fun with it or saving it for fun, too. I love supporting myself in what makes life precious, and exciting, like my meditation retreat.

Wow.

Turning the thought around to the opposite: this is enough.

Obviously. I’m not dead.

I’m quite able to relax. I have enough to survive, and always have.

My thinking isn’t enough, that’s what isn’t enough. I don’t have enough of “me”. I don’t have enough friendliness, love and affection for myself. I don’t have enough gentleness and trust towards the universe. I don’t have enough humor, zest, pizazz and lightness for myself, me, this, my thoughts, my future, my precious life.

Especially when it comes to money.

What if right in this very moment, it was enough? Nothing missing?

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”. ~ Walt Whitman

Can I like myself, and this moment?

Yes.

And if I don’t…..The Work.

If you need to get by with a little help from some friends (including your own thoughts), join the October retreat in Seattle. Four days of inquiry. It’s awesome.

Much love,

Grace

September 12, 2016

They’re ignoring me…and I’m ignoring her.

leftout — Are they ignoring me? Or is it just my imagination?

One of my favorite things about The Work is the way it encourages us to use our imagination!

We’re already using it, before The Work, to scare ourselves, get worried, get angry, feel powerless, feel sad, be unhappy.

So let’s expand that imagination to a broader, more inclusive, more trusting, more good-feeling perspective. The other side of duality, in this dual world of opposites.

But this doesn’t mean “try” to be positive, and to go straight from “I hate this situation” to “I love this situation” without inquiry.

That’s super hard, and not very respectful to yourself.

Someone asked me recently, what kind of positive affirmations or sentences do I tell myself, when I feel distressed and I want to ground myself in feeling better?

I had to chuckle inside. Because I wouldn’t tell myself one single thing that was a positive affirmation, or a pep talk, that I didn’t believe or hadn’t inquired into first.

I’m not sure I ever even think of telling myself positive things on purpose.

The person who asked me this then went on to say that she was on a long vacation with her extended family, and from the very first day she began to feel uncomfortable with quite a few things she was observing in all these family members.

Grandchildren were running across the street without their parents restraining them. Her adult children were gazing at their cell phones, and the teens were constantly snap-chatting with friends back home in the US. Older folks were holding up the group, or getting ditched by the younger set–resulting in people losing each other in crowded European piazzas. Siblings were acting rude during meals, and ignoring her.

What she then told me was that she decided on about the second day to Say Nothing.

“There was no point. It’s just the way it is.”

Hmmmm.

The opposite of Arguing With Reality is not Being Resigned To Reality with a chip on your shoulder.

I asked her if she wanted to try The Work, since she was asking me about it and wondering if I used positive affirmations. She agreed.

One of the most pressing, repetitive thoughts she had about several of the people in her family was….”they are ignoring me”.

They care more about “x” (cell phones, emails, themselves, their friends) than about this vacation. They don’t care about me. The last trip was much better. I may as well have stayed home.

Ow.

This really hurts, when you believe it.

I asked her, is it true they ignored you?

YES. YES. YES. (She explained more about what they were doing, the way of the world these days, the neglect, the spiritual void of lacking an ability to be present, the rudeness she witnessed).

Inside a part of me had a little edge of a feeling….“She should slow down. She should relax and answer the questions. She shouldn’t explain and find additional proof for her stressful belief.”

“How do you react when you believe the thought”, I asked her, “that they’re ignoring you?”

She explained how she reacted by saying nothing, never one word, never asking for what she wanted. She didn’t bring up her complaints. She didn’t speak her regrets. She didn’t make her requests.

Too furious to speak. Too unhappy. Too upset.

I get it. I’ve been there.

It’s painful to believe I can’t speak up about how I’m feeling, because if I do a fountain of unhappiness will burst out of me. I’ll disappoint them. I’ll make it worse.

Wow, it’s rough to be so caught between a rock and a hard place–I can’t talk, I can’t Not Talk, and be happy.

I asked her who she would be without this belief that they were ignoring her?

She answered immediately: “it’s impossible not to have this belief. The world is like this now. People don’t care about each other. Everyone wants to look at their phones. It’s never going back.”

As she spoke, I could feel the pain of having zero hope, and no ability to really find one drop of what it would be like to not have the thought, in the presence of people ignoring you. To really not have the thought “they are ignoring me” (even if they are).

But then she said something swiftly, and lightly, even if just for a second “I’d notice the amazing place I’m sitting. I’d look around.”

I realized as I did this work right alongside her, that it is very possible someone is ignoring her, whatever that means exactly (not paying attention, not caring, not connecting, not loving, being dismissive, being interested in something else besides her).

But it doesn’t mean she has to think and believe the thought herself.

She could barely stay in the question “who would you be without this thought?” She was out of there in literally 2 seconds. She was back into how awful to be ignored, how sad, how ruined the vacation.

So we kept moving….into the turnarounds.

“I am ignoring myself” in that situation. Could this be as true, or truer?

“Oh YES!” she replied after considering this turnaround. She saw how in that situation she buttoned her lip and said nothing and got really small over in a corner, and quiet, feeling left out and distant. She ignored her own desire to connect more closely, and to ask others to walk next to her, or put away their phones for awhile. She might have thought of all kinds of solutions that would offer a sense of closeness, rather than distance and resignation in her situation.

Wow.

It reminded me of believing there’s nothing I can do, in some situations, except withdraw, back away, separate myself.

It’s like the way I used to believe in dieting. Just go without. Starve. Avoid pleasure. Go hungry.

The only cure for this body problem, was to suffer silently. I never questioned “there is a problem”—is that true?

Yikes.

We looked at the turnarounds “I am ignoring THEM” and “they are NOT ignoring me”.

This inquirer’s answers were No, I can’t find any examples. They WERE ignoring me. And I was NOT ignoring them.

Right in the middle of that situation, me facilitating her, facilitating myself, facilitating inquiry on the thought “they are ignoring me” I felt the impact of “ignoring” or thinking of something as wrong (like someone not being able to find any turnaround examples).

What if what is happening, including these questions and these answers right here in the middle of The Work, are exactly what is supposed to be happening?

What if for this woman, the only turnaround that’s valid and helpful in that moment was the one “I am ignoring myself”?

What if I kindly and openly did not ignore her, as I facilitated, or ignored myself either?

What if what she was aware of, and clear about, and learning as she answered four strange questions she had never answered before….

….was just the right amount of ignoring, and awareness.

All I know is, it’s easy to love what’s happening than it is to hate it.

“The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Prejudice of any kind implies that you are identified with the thinking mind. It means you don’t see the other human being anymore, but only your own concept of that human being. To reduce the aliveness of another human being to a concept is already a form of violence.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much love,

Grace

September 9, 2016

The light at the end of the tunnel could be….in your past.

lightintunnel — Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is exploring your past, seeing where the stories were born.

The third question in the four primary questions of The Work of Byron Katie is….

…”How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?”

Wow, what an interesting question, you know?

How do I react? What happens? When I’m thinking ______ (fill in the troubling thought) what is it like? What goes on inside me? How do I actually behave on the outside? What’s it like being in the world, when I’m thinking this thought, and feeling it to be true?

Good lord.

It’s a big huge question, even if you only ask it about ONE single stressful thought.

This past week, the new Year of Inquiry inquirers gathered to listen to whomever was speaking, and to contemplate their own answers, even if they didn’t talk out loud.

Who are you, without your stressful belief?

Often, sitting with this question, we consider what images appear, what we remember, what this reminds of us.

One inquirer had a really stressful thought.

I should go to work.

(Even though I’m in physical pain and basically can’t).

Wow. I remembered having this thought about so many jobs. Extreme guilt. Feeling like I should go. Not wanting to. Am I sick enough to stay home? I should buck up and go. People will be disappointed. What if I feel better in two hours? Then I’ll really be guilty.

Agonizing debate on the inside.

During question three (how do you react, what happens when you think this stressful thought?) the inquirer remembered, just like it happens so often, a moment in childhood.

Mom wants me to do something, wants to force me to do something, is verbally sharp and abrasive and abusive. I have the very same feeling, standing in the presence of mother as I do with employer. I should do it, even though I don’t want to. I’m being forced. I can’t really discover what I want, or what’s right for me, I have to do the “right” thing. For them. There’s no good outcome or solution that works for everyone. I feel small and powerless.

Ouch.

An incredibly powerful exercise, when these flash images come in, sometimes traumatic, sometimes long forgotten, sometimes very painful:

Become willing to sit with that memory, that situation, that feeling, and write a worksheet on it.

Go back.

I like to call it FOO.

If you say it, it lightens things a little. FOO. Family of Origin.

I know these memories are sometimes very foggy, dark, uncertain.

You’re happy it’s been so long since they happened.

But these origin stories are very powerful for inquiry, if they set you off into patterns or imprints where you suffered with the same flavor of story over and over again.

Just remember, it’s safe to look at them now. It may even be safer to look than to not look.

As Byron Katie invites, so many times I’ve heard her say this: Mother, Father, Sister, Brother.

Watch your personal history movie.

Do The Work on those people who influenced you early. See what happens.

It will be good.

“Babies are not born into this world of illusion until they attach. When you’re clear, it’s wonderful fun to observe it. I love being with my grandbabies. I love hearing all my lies! ‘That’s a tree.’ ‘That’s a sky.’ ‘I love you.’ ‘You’re Grandma’s precious.’ ‘You’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.’ All these lies, and I’m having a wonderful time. If it doesn’t work for them, they can question their stressful thoughts. I am joy. I’m not going to censor any of it.” ~ Byron Katie on Parents and Children

I love finding out what I started believing, that wasn’t true. And of course, the great thing about The Work is….you only have to question the stressful thoughts.

Keep the fun ones, just like Katie.

If you’re interested in entering four days of The Work in north Seattle at my Goldilocks Cottage, we’ll be questioning thoughts from start to finish, and throwing in exercises to help us all go back, back, back, back.

(Can you hear the cheerleaders shouting? Back! Back! Back! Back!)

October 13-16, 2016.

This one is non-residential, but if you’ve coming from afar, we’ll help you find a close by hotel or place to stay with others. Seattle is a special, sweet place in mid-October. The weather is mild, the summer crowds are thinning. Everything smells like rich earth and dew. When the sun comes out, it’s brilliant orange.

When we go in together, gathered in a circle, we share the most amazing insights as we do The Work. Everyone is welcome, beginners to experienced. You get to start from exactly where you are, with whatever disturbs you in your life. You’ll get to go back, in your mind, to previous history or memories to take a look, but only if you want to.

Present issues, past issues….all are welcome. We’ll have some special invitations to take a look at the old ones, if you’re ready.

Read all about it here.

Much love,

Grace