There isn’t enough

Have you ever had the thought, while looking at your bank account statement….

….this isn’t enough?

Haw.

Almost laughable to ask the question. Because it seems like everyone’s had this thought!

But when you really think about it….

….it’s a weird thought.

It’s all murky and foggy and has a never-ending feel to it and it can’t be proven true. A big blanket abstract thought. A generalized, common, broad thought. A very stressful thought that brings a lot of suffering

And a completely acceptable thought.

As in….of COURSE you should have the thought this isn’t enough.

Now, we’re talking about money, but pick your thing there isn’t enough of and follow along with this inquiry.

Love, enlightenment, wisdom, health, pleasure

Because it’s unusual to question it. We often just assume it’s true.

In the past, when I had this thought from time to time about money, I honestly had no full regard for why I had the thought, how I arrived at this thought, when I started believing this thought.

It was just a reactive experience I picked up:

I need more. Duh.

Danger Zone. More is better. Danger Zone. I’ll have to pay. Danger Zone. I’ll lose what I have. Danger Zone. The future is NOT bright.

So let’s explore. You’ll love this investigation about money, no matter how much you have, if you’ve ever wished for more and felt a little nervous…..or scared out of your mind.

First of all, when you look at that number, that pile, that quantity of money, you immediately go into what it is supposed to support and cover and get spent on, right.

You may have a general sense of the flow of money going in, going out, what the mortgage or rent bill is, what the utilities are every month, what you generally spend on groceries for your household, gas, transportation, clothing, bus fare, your annual meditation retreat, one plane ticket, a local art class, gifts, toothpaste.

But what if something terrible happens?

What if I lose my health care benefits? What if I can’t work anymore? What if someone sues me? What if someone steals it? What if I make a poor investment?

I gotta keep this, in a bucket, in a safe, under the mattress, in a special safe-deposit box with a key and about eight password codes and security guards.

What I noticed was….I did not find it very peaceful to worry about money. I did not find it peaceful to wish the quantity was bigger than it was, or that it remained at a certain number, or never got lower than “x”.

I wanted freedom.

I noticed I was not free, in that moment of thinking “this isn’t enough”, even with some money in my savings.

Well….for me, I had to lose it all first (almost all) before being willing to find freedom. You might want to inquire a little earlier. Just a suggestion.

So. You don’t have enough.

Is that true?

Yes. Oh yes. I would be so much happier with 10 times more than the amount I have, I’m sure this is true.

Wait, make that 100.

I would feel safe with more money. This isn’t quite enough. If anything happened…..

Is that really, absolutely true?

Is it absolutely true I’d be better off keeping my ginormous-mortgage house? Is it absolutely true I need to use money to go to retreats? Is it absolutely true I need money to pay for broken things, lawyers, or accidents in the future? Is it absolutely true I need extra money right now, in this moment?

But.

A car could crash through my front living room picture window. I saw it in the movies.

Ten years ago when I sat on my worn-to-a-pulp brown faux leather 1960s couch believing I needed more money in that moment, I thought….

…..well maybe not right now, since I’m breathing and fed and comfortable….

….but it could happen. I need to be prepared.

(Don’t even THINK about buying a new couch. Remember the money!!)

Who would you be without this belief, though? Without believing in needing more, in being prepared, in working and saving up and hoarding, er, I mean storing, money, so you can relax….later?

Deep breath.

Hold still a moment.

What if you didn’t believe there isn’t enough, or won’t be?

Look around.

Oh. I’d feel….curious. Relaxed.

I’d feel joy.

I wouldn’t count the money I have, over and over.

I’d feel so grateful for the amount I have, it’s just the right amount. It prevents too much retreat-going or self-help shopping. It allows me to say “no” clearly to my kids or others.

“Yes” and “No” are both free to be spoken. It’s efficient. I love paying for what I need, and if there’s leftovers, having fun with it or saving it for fun, too. I love supporting myself in what makes life precious, and exciting, like my meditation retreat.

Wow.

Turning the thought around to the opposite: this is enough.

Obviously. I’m not dead.

I’m quite able to relax. I have enough to survive, and always have.

My thinking isn’t enough, that’s what isn’t enough. I don’t have enough of “me”. I don’t have enough friendliness, love and affection for myself. I don’t have enough gentleness and trust towards the universe. I don’t have enough humor, zest, pizazz and lightness for myself, me, this, my thoughts, my future, my precious life.

Especially when it comes to money.

What if right in this very moment, it was enough? Nothing missing?

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”. ~ Walt Whitman

Can I like myself, and this moment?

Yes.

And if I don’t…..The Work.

If you need to get by with a little help from some friends (including your own thoughts), join the October retreat in Seattle. Four days of inquiry. It’s awesome.