Month: October 2018

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I don’t want to. I quit. I won’t like it. Can I absolutely know that’s true?

The other day, I had the thought “I don’t want to do anything anymore. I quit.”

Kind of funny.

I was sharing on the eating peace webinar how the mind, even when we do The Work regularly, runs and has commentary, and sometimes grand blanket-statement commentary.

It’ll come up with the goofiest things.

As if we have an insane aunt or uncle hanging out in the corner saying things just out of the blue.

I was doing The Work recently with the dearest inquirer.

She said in the middle of her work; “life is just a series of distractions made until we reach the end and can finally die.”

It was the very same kind of thought as the one I told you about a second ago, the one that said “just quit everything” with bravado, like it’s a real idea, or even one that’s possible to follow. (Whatever “everything” is, I’m not even sure).

This kind of grand statement about all of life can show up in more subtle ways, too, about one topic, or an experience.

For example, speaking of holidays….

In my family, there are already texts running around suggesting the location, time, menu and expectations for Thanksgiving. I may have even been the one who started it with a question about who was doing what to someone in the family.

Today in the USA it’s Halloween. If we’re “fun” people, we’ll wear costumes, right? (Another thought I’ve had in the past).

Perhaps we’re even attending a party, or trick-or-treating with kids or grandkids.

The mind is so creative, it immediately can see visions of past tables of food, people having discussions, living rooms, traditions, lights, decorations, meals, activities.

It says “oh no! It’s going to be hard!” or “I won’t like it!”

The mind supplies these past experiences to imagine what’s to come in the near future.

Even as I write this, I just imagined kids coming to the door at 6 pm when it’s beginning to get dark, and I just had the thought “Oh no, I didn’t buy any treats!” Followed by the thought to turn off the porch lights and hide, as my husband and I joked last night. Or go out to a movie.

Is it true the best option is quitting?

Is it true that not going is easier than going?

Is it true you won’t have fun once you get there? Or have a great time even? Or be entertained by life, family, people, atmosphere, no expectations?

No.

I once learned from a wise therapist I saw for quite awhile that if I wanted to go to a large gathering like a party, but felt afraid, I could enter and say to the first person I saw “I don’t really feel comfortable coming to parties….I’m kind of shy.”

It would be so honest, she advised, that I wouldn’t feel like I have to pretend anything.

I tried it at the next gathering I was invited to.

She was right. I had the best conversation.

I started telling the truth at parties or larger gatherings or groups, including my own family-of-origin gatherings. Adding The Work to the process seemed to really help.

Who would I be without the belief that what I’m invited to is going to be dangerous, anxiety-provoking, boring, dumb, a waste of time, hard work, or Not Fun?

Who would I be without the belief that I need to “quit” something, especially something that hasn’t even happened yet?

Ahhhhhh.

I’d feel relaxed.

I’d notice this quiet moment. I’d notice how much fun I have both in silence, and with other people.

Turning the thought around: I don’t have to quit. I can’t actually “quit” everything. And wouldn’t want to.

Quitting will happen eventually, for everything I do now (in the form of death). Reality will take care of the quitting, starting, stopping, going, moving, thinking, ending, being.

Still turning it around: my thinking should quit. Yes, it could quit ruminating on the future. I could quit believing the thoughts about quitting are even true (I notice they aren’t).

My thinking can run, the voices in my mind can speak, and it doesn’t mean I’ll stay home. Maybe I will….and maybe I won’t! I might have a whole heck of a lot of fun if I go.

And that idea feels more fun, right in this moment. And easy, since nothing is required right now. I don’t have to “know” exactly what will happen, what to decide, or what to do.

That which comes and goes, rises and sets, is born and dies is the ego. That which always abides, never changes, and is devoid of qualities is the Self. ~ Ramana Maharshi

Much love,
Grace
P.S. At Breitenbush, we’ll be dancing on Saturday night in the great lodge–open to everyone staying at Breitenbush (not just our group). A wonderful option for movement without speaking, being as you are.

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Rage Eating: what to do first, if you’re eating in anger

Is eating a battle zone? If it is (it was a nuclear war for me) you can sign up for my free webinar offering here.

Then on November 4th a new experiment in sharing: an 8 day challenge in eating peace on facebook live. Sign up HERE to receive daily alerts via email for the live course and you can also find me on facebook here. I’ll send out the schedule very soon for everyone participating (we meet in mornings Pacific Time).

When my eating world seemed like a battle zone, one of the primary emotions propelling the ups and downs….

….was rage.

Rage Eating.

I was so furious at the rules, regulations, requirements, management, arguments, powerlessness, enforcements.

It sometimes felt like the whole thing, all of life really, was one big thing to “deal” with.

I’d hold my breath and take it, and do what was needed, and then something would snap and the anger would come out sideways like a geyser.

In the form of eating food.

Everything I ever wanted I ate that day, from one end of town to the other.

Then, of course, I’d feel absolute disgust, hatred and rage with myself.

Several years ago, I witnessed on video Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of non-violent communication, speak about facilitating raging mad prison inmates to find peace with others.

The inmates rebellious hatred of authority or “the man” had a similar feel to rage eating I had done.

The feeling of anger at What Is Greater, and the feeling of anger at ourselves at the same time.

I didn’t like myself when I raged against anything (even though partially it felt like a relief at first), and I’d isolate and hide from the world after the eating or raging was over, licking my wounds. Which is an interesting way of putting it using the word “licking”, right?

There’s something soothing about licking, what some animals literally do for their own wounds. It’s normal to find food and eating soothing, like medicine for the attack.

What Marshall Rosenberg did with these gangs of men who were so furious, was offer them a way to be heard and then speak, then listen, and use “I” statements instead of lashing out and making accusatory statements.

Rooms with hugely violent emotional energy in them completely softened, as men heard what others had to say and became willing to listen a moment and wonder what it was like to stand in the others’ shoes and consider who needed what, including themselves.

When no one felt cut off, hated, or disrespected… …something pretty remarkable began to happen. People found themselves able to relate to the other.

Then, in that space of connection and listening, dialogue could continue, and understanding.

What are we afraid of? What voice are we trying to shut down or cut off, because it’s frightening? Where do we feel we have no say, or no way to get our needs met? Where does it seem like you have no choice but to eat (or do some other kind of compulsive behavior)?

Was it really true that I was being pummeled by life, or that relationship, or this circumstance, or the rules about food, eating and being thin?

Who would I be without my thoughts, my story, about people, places, things, food, or my own mind coming at me?

Just today, a beautiful inquirer doing The Work on her feeling of compulsion with eating said that without the thoughts of fighting with something, fighting with others, fighting with the craving….she’d be aware of the vast nothingness around.

And suddenly, not so comfortable with it.

Sometimes, the wild mysterious vast expansive place we can experience when we wonder who we’d be without our story of arguing with reality…..

…..is a bit frightening.

But there’s one simple place to begin, when you notice you’re experiencing angry eating. You can at the very start question your thought that you shouldn’t be angry.

Is it true?

Without the belief I shouldn’t be angry, and I shouldn’t eat over my anger, I could ask myself what my rage is about? What does it have to say?

This would be a very kind thing to do, and a very loving-parent thing to do. It would be a respectful, clear, open-minded orientation to the experience of rage, and to feeling unmet needs, and to sharing life with others here in this world.

“To imagine that some little thing–food, sex, power, fame–will make you happy is to deceive oneself. Only something as vast and deep as your real self can make you truly and lastingly happy.” ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

Maybe uncovering your real self begins with saying what you’re angry about, and listening closely, with respect.

I hope you’ll also join me in the Eating Peace webinar.

Much love,
Grace

Eating Peace Process 5 month Immersion starts November 13th. Short lessons each week, group calls every week, 3 live inquiry calls each week. Lots of contact and connection to dissolve isolation and share in honesty and freedom.

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Do the same thoughts appear and re-appear for inquiry in your life? The good news about that.

  • Breitenbush is filling and it’s only $245 tuition until 10/31 (it goes up to $295 on 11/1). Thurs eve to Sunday lunch (+lodging and meals at low-season rate). 16 CEUs for mental health professionals or 12 for ITW candidates.
  • Seattle East West Books November 3rd 2-5pm $40 The simple Work of Byron Katie
  • Eating Peace Retreat Jan 9-14, 2019 Seattle. Deep immersion in The Work and eating, dependency, compulsions and body image issues.

I had the best time talking about The Work with my friend Todd Smith who is also a certified facilitator of The Work.Our conversation is the revival of the itunes Peace Talk podcast! You can also download it here.

One thing that struck me about talking with Todd was something he said that I’ve also experienced: The Work just never gets boring.

Which is somewhat SHOCKING, given some part of me that’s ALWAYS wanting to be entertained.

But what if you’ve thought The Work HAS gotten boring?

What if you’ve had the thought “this isn’t working for me!!”

Well, surprise….I’ve had those thoughts too.

Not that long ago, I shared a Grace Note about money woes and worries, and someone wrote back to me that she’s noticed I’ve written about the same thing before.

In other words, she was wondering about the experience of change or absence of it. Because here I was again looping back to the same old thoughts about money like “I need more” and “there won’t be enough” and “I have to work hard to get it” and “I’ll lose it.” Blah blah blah, right?

I loved this reflection and question from the reader.

Because it reminded me how change has occurred in my life, sometimes rather suddenly, but way, way, way more often slowly, incrementally, step-by-step, one day at a time. Todd and I were noticing this orientation to practicing The Work during our podcast conversation, as we shared our experiences doing inquiry.

The mild, tiny adjustments that have occurred in the process of self-inquiry are the ones that for me, seem to stick.

There is a term I learned from a friend once who received her master’s degree in food science. She told me about the word “titrate”.

When someone is titrating one thing into another, what this means is they’re adding one substance or chemical to another larger substance one tiny drop at a time so that it mixes in and is imperceptible, until a certain point when it one more drop tips to “perceptible” and measurable and the whole thing mixed together is neutralized.

When The Work “works” for me, it feels like the great issues of the human condition appear and reappear in my daily life over and over, and they are questioned one moment at a time, one drop at a time.

And as I look back at the road taken, I chuckle at the adventure and the stories I traveled through. They no longer appear to be horror stories, or traumatic stories, or dangerous stories. (And if they do appear frightening or disappointing, I can question them, of course).

What are the great issues and stories I’ve become most aware of over time, that seem to have repeated themselves in different formats and themes?

Here they are:

1) Thinking “my” survival and security are threatened. Physical pain or danger or injury, sickness, death, money.

2) Thinking my needs are not being met in relationship to others. I don’t have enough love, kindness, sharing, or there’s loss of attention, being cut off or dismissed, someone’s angry. (See #1).

3) Thinking other peoples’ needs aren’t being met. Worry about their pain, money, sickness, injury, lack of safety, death. Which reminds me of my own and of course I notice I’d be happier if they were happier. (Uh, See #1 again).

4) Thinking pleasure or joy or love or rest isn’t possible in certain situations. Noise, rage, natural “disasters”, violence, surprise. I’m here temporarily and there are no guarantees about survival. (Hmmm, See #1).

5) Thinking there’s something wrong with me and if I fix it I’ll feel better. Shame, guilt, self-criticism, fear, addiction. (Come to think of it, my own mind is an enemy: See #1).

It seems like as I look at everything I object to….

….it’s about “my” survival and “my” happiness and “my” security.

Not that there’s anything wrong with this “my” thing going on. LOL.

It’s quite natural after all, for me to be taking care of me and watching out for me and learning about me and navigating a course for me and being with me.

But who would we be without the beliefs that all point to something-is-threatening……me?

What is this “me” that is so threatened anyway?

Woah.

Maybe if we got there all at once with our stories of stress and suffering, the beautiful slow process of gentle titration wouldn’t happen the way it does, and we’d have a cracked open mind or go completely bonkers (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Consider the outliers who have sudden “awakenings” like Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle. They didn’t have a very good time to the point leading up to their breakdowns. It was so severe, they almost committed suicide. And maybe not so easy after they cracked open, either.

Who would we be without the belief “it needs to change faster” in my mind or “my approach to inquiry needs to be more dramatic” or “The Work needs to produce a clear, obvious upgrade” or “I shouldn’t need to repeatedly question the very same story”?

Are you sure it’s the exact same story? Are you sure you’re not progressing? Are you sure something’s not working, or needs to go faster?

What I notice is something happening that’s like a slow, slow dawning. Not too fast. Not too slow. Just right for this one.

Repeating itself. Sun rising, once again. Sun setting, once again. Coming and going.

Noticing how much is repeated, reborn, dying again.

The Way of It.

“How do I know when it’s time to do The Work? I don’t even have to know what to do The Work on–it appears. The story comes, and if it’s not totally comfortable, undo it–or not.” ~ Byron Katie

If you do The Work on the very same thing every single day, can you absolutely know it’s true that nothing is changing?

No.

Are you sure something needs to change?

No.

Isn’t that exciting!?

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Join me live on facebook on Mondays at 2 pm Pacific Time.

Head to Work With Grace facebook page and “like” it to be alerted to the live show.
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Eating Peace Immersion Webinars – dates have changed and I can’t wait to have you

sign up for the webinar to hold your seat by visiting here: http://bit.ly/eatwebinar2018

I’ve changed the times and dates for the 3 Eating Peace Live Webinars coming up called Breaking The Spell of Eating Battles.

This webinar will cover:

a) the #1 spell to break to end your eating agony

b) three stories to challenge and question

c) understanding control and lack of control–and the endless flip-flop between the two

First, I’ll share the big spell to break with self-inquiry, and how you’d actually do this. This #1 spell is a doozy of a false belief that so many of us repeatedly think and brings us to stay in shame and guilt. It brings so much suffering, and zero change.

Next, I’ll share three important stories you can identify that are personal to you, and questions to help you find them clearly.

These are stories you’ve experienced, and continue to tell, about three big areas where what we think often brings suffering:

1) body image – what does “thin” or “fat” or “just right” actually mean to you? We’ll dig into this in a way that doesn’t just make assumptions that any shape is right or wrong, and still be open to change

2) buffet terror – you’ll get to do the buffet imagination exercise and understand your fears about unlimited food

3) fear and comfort – fear is often laced through our ideas about eating, body shape, pleasure, other people, and even life in general. You’ll get to understand more about this powerful emotion and how it relates to eating compulsion.

Finally, part three and the last thing we’ll cover in this immersion webinar is learning how to get off the in-control vs out-of-control merry-go-round cycle without using force, determination, rules, or falling into complete despair or denial.

Wow, in this webinar there will be a whole lot. Please set aside 90 minutes and if it goes more quickly–huzzah! (Or is that boohoo?)

And here’s the thing, so I don’t bug you with too many emails for all of you on the general Eating Peace email list, if you have interest in participating live in any of these three eating peace masterclass webinars, be sure to sign up here. I won’t send a reminder or details to this general list.

You’ll enter your email and name for a smaller segmented list only for those who are interested specifically in attending the webinar. Your name and email will be kept private and when the webinars are all complete, the list will be deleted.

These webinars will be interactive and my deepest intention is that you leave with an awareness of the key spells to break in eating wars, and that you’ll know where to go from there.

Eating Peace Free Masterclass Webinar will be offered 3 different times (you choose what works best). Register here. It’s free for anyone.

At the very, very end of the masterclass, I’ll answer questions all about the upcoming Eating Peace Process Immersion Five Month Program that runs November 13, 2018-April 19, 2019. This is a program that focuses on transforming the very experience of eating, and your experience of having a body, by questioning our thoughts and turning them around.

At the very end of the Eating Peace webinar, I’ll explain the structure and details of the Eating Peace Process program, answer your questions, and even offer a special gift coupon for those of you eager to join, who attend the webinar live.

Eating Peace Process Program offers weekly lessons, plus live inquiry calls, for contemplation and learning and support the entire five months. The course is upgraded from previous years, but for those of you who already have enrolled in the program in the past, as always, you’re in for “life”–so no additional payment is needed to be in the program again.

Here are the complimentary webinar times below. Sign up to save your seat. I can’t wait to be with you live again.

All my love and appreciation for the learning, steps to freedom, and depth of transformation possible for people as we break the spells and find our true freedom when it comes to eating, food, and having bodies.

  • Tuesday, October 30th 4:00 pm PT
  • Thurs, November 1st 8:00 am PT
  • Sunday, November 11th 10 am PT
Save your seat here.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you were eagerly awaiting the webinar this very morning, sorry to disappoint. But come next week! It’ll be great to have you! If you’re already on the webinar list, I’ve got you. Can’t wait.

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We eat to live. Is there something dying in you if you’re eating too much food?

I’ve been deep in the autumn retreat I’ve seemed to offer for a few years now doing The Work of Byron Katie. True, honest sharing together questioning stressful stories. I’m so grateful for the fabulous group of people who attended.

Now that it’s over…it’s a wide open road to the Eating Peace Process; a circle of people who will travel together live online through self-inquiry and guidance in mindful and peaceful eating for five months together.

It doesn’t matter if;

  • you’re somewhat discouraged about a tendency to overeat a lot and you’re feeling slightly (or very) chubby OR
  • you’re desperate for some kind of balance between binge-eating and self-starvation OR
  • you’re someone whose mind is filled constantly with labels, chemicals, diet plan(s), measurements and worry about what and how much to eat OR
  • you over-exercise and think you should eat salads all day….

….No matter where you are on the spectrum or experience of eating battles, you don’t feel peace when it comes to eating. There’s a pain in eating, in this whole thing called “eating”.

Instead of joy or ease, you often feel anger, fear, discouragement, and sometimes even self-hatred.

At least, that’s what eating used to be like for me. It wasn’t ever fun. My experience of eating went from craving and ravenous to unpleasant to torturous regularly.

Even as the autumn retreat was underway this past weekend, I sat on my front porch Saturday morning to make a video for you.

It was inspired by a bird’s-eye look at eating itself as an activity we humans seem to be required to do.

This thing called “eating”. What is it for, bottom line?

Life.

Eating provides fuel for being alive physically. Keeping this body running and going.

It’s often pleasurable, too, and built to be that way. It’s lovely to have the organism kept fueled from activity that’s appealing. (That was a smart creation move).

And there’s so much to choose from, it’s rather astonishing. We can eat so many things in this world!

So what’s happening when there becomes urgency for eating? Could it be a bid, or a symbol of feeling urgent about living life, having life, being alive?

When I think about this act of eating itself being a basic need and drive for life, I recognize from my binge-eating days that something in me was driven insane trying to LIVE.

I wanted to EAT, EAT, EAT….but really I wanted to feel alive….and something, honestly, felt dead inside.

Something was locked away, suppressed, dismissed, overlooked, ignored.

I had a hunger that wasn’t getting fed or satisfied, and I thought my only option was to pretend it wasn’t there, and bottle it up inside.

Freedom to eat in a relaxed way was not possible in that state of mind, where some things were “killed” within and not dealt with. At the time when my eating was seriously out of whack, I was so hungry for an honest life, and full of sadness and desperation because parts of me felt ignored, needy and even dead.

One good question you might ask yourself, if you overeat or over-focus on eating: what have I tried to kill within (the opposite of life)? What feels like it’s died inside me? What am I really hungry for, or wanting to give fuel to? What am I so afraid to do or be that I’m not trying it?

In preparation for the upcoming Eating Peace Process Immersion starting November 13th, I’m offering a webinar for anyone and everyone seeking eating peace. Mark your calendar for the time that works for you best. These will be free, and I’ll share information and answer questions only at the end about the immersion program running November through April.

Eating Peace Free Masterclass Webinar, offered 3 different times (you choose what works best). If you want to join, you must register by entering your email here.

  • Tuesday, October 30th 4:00 pm PT
  • Thursday, November 1st 8:00 am PT
  • Sunday, November 11th 10:00 am PT

Because so many people have questions or feel pretty discouraged about new eating programs (especially because you’ve been on 800 diets or food plans in your life) I am ALSO offering a new experiment in online support before the full-on program starts:

An 8 day free course delivered through facebook LIVE. If you’re interested then sign up HERE to receive daily alerts via email for the live course. It will run Nov 4-11th, and you’ll have access to the recordings.

In this facebook live eating peace 8-day course, I’ll share one very important principle each day for freedom from eating battles through the process of self-inquiry, meditation and inner rest.

In a way, all these courses and offerings are simply the creative act of living. It is not ultimately required that we know “more” about how eating works, or the body’s digestive system, or to get a PhD in Nutrition or Psychology.

Maybe the way through is feeling comfort with life here in this moment now. Not being so afraid of the past, or painful ideas about living (which can be very scary).

Who would we be without our fearful stories about living as humans on planet earth? Who would I be without my thoughts?

Wow.

“Both pleasure and pain are projections, and it takes a clear mind to understand that. After inquiry, the experience of pain changes. The joy that was always beneath the surface of pain is primary now, and the pain is underneath it. People who do The Work stop fearing pain. They relax into it. They watch it come and go, and they see that it always comes and goes at the perfect moment.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Eating Peace Process 5 month Immersion starts in November. You can read about it and learn more about the schedule here.
Eating Peace Process Participant: Miraculous Peace
I feel an indescribable peace. I saw this in action this morning. I had the experience of waking up, filled with anxiety and doing the exercise where I listed all the stressful thoughts. What I did next was genuinely say to myself that I was excited to know what the insight was and I really felt the excitement and gratitude…I went to respond to the list of complaints and world-class wisdom came out me. It was amazing! This is new. I can put the stressful thoughts on the side without having to do more than a few minutes exercise and get to a peaceful place. It’s kind of a miracle!
Much love,
Grace

 

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Even in that horrible situation, it was kinder than my own thoughts about it.

I’m resting flat on my bed while I write in this moment.

I’ve been getting ready for 2 days for the autumn retreat. Remembering what to put in the box, hauling things over to the beautiful property. Everything is prepared at the retreat house, the sun is shining brilliantly with a deep blue sky, and the forecast calls for more golden fall sun for several days.

We’ll be having some amazing silent walks in the Seattle area neighborhood, that’s for sure. I’ve done them in the drizzle, in the heavy rain, in crisp gray cold winter weather, and this time in the bright sun. Can’t wait.

I most can’t wait for retreat to begin because it’s for me. I’m ready for retreat just as much as those attending.

I have a few thoughts to question, and I know they’ll start unraveling themselves in the presence of other sincere inquirers.

It happened today earlier during the Year of Inquiry group call. Two incredible thoughts brought to me like thoughts handed on a platter built for awakening.

Here you go….question this, Grace.

One of the thoughts a courageous inquirer took to The Work?

I’m all on my own.

What a frightening, discouraging, painful thought. But mostly it’s so painful when you think it means no one is there for you, no one is helping you, no kindness is offered, no relief.

It’s the feeling of having to contend with reality, in whatever form.

How many times have I had this belief running in my mind?

He left me, she left me. She won’t talk to me. I don’t have enough. It hurts. I can’t handle it. No one is here. I’m the only one who cares, or tries. I ‘have to’.

From working at jobs where the boss felt difficult, to being physically injured, to cancer coming to visit, to all the money gone.

I’m on my own.

How do you react when you believe this thought?

Discouraged. Resigned.

Giving up.

Full of imagined future terrors. Picturing the next abusive moment that could potentially happen. Worry. Feeling so vulnerable. Full of self-criticism and self-attack.

So….who would you be without this thought you are on your own?

I see the moments I’ve had this thought when I think something unacceptable and horrifying happened, or something mean and violent happened, or something shocking and frightening happened.

Who am I in these moments, without the belief I am on my own, I was on my own, with no help, nothing else, no support?

Today, I was filled with the beauty of The Work and the power of love, as I listened. The inquirer questioning this thought in our group became still and felt the memory of a moment she was sure was so difficult.

Then she noticed reality: she’s in a bathtub as a child. The water is so nice, warm. It is surrounded by a bath that holds the water. Blood is being washed away. Her mother is there, having put her in the bath. There’s a room, a floor, a house with walls, a ceiling.

Can I stay with the moments I’ve been so sure were dreadful, when I thought I was all on my own, and notice?

In my cottage 12 years ago. No one else home. Children gone. Former husband gone. Family gone. Money gone. Cancer diagnosis.

Who would I be without the belief I am on my own?

Looking around the room. Noticing the couch holding me, the floor under the couch, the foundation hooked by gravity to the earth. Noticing a bookshelf, a rug, running water, a cupboard with crackers, a wall heater.

Things everywhere. Sure, perhaps no humans, but something better than other humans: a place to sit, in silence, without interruption.

And then the most marvelous sound.

The inquirer who is doing The Work today of this very thought begins to laugh.

“My thoughts are all alone. I am not alone.”

Laughter, and more laughter, and more. Rising like a bubbling burst of joy. I was laughing too.

All I know is, in this work today, and in this work about to happen for 4 days, and in The Work I’ve ever been a part of in the past….this kind of discovery is the most wonderful feeling in the entire world.

To see that life, and all its experiences, has been more kind, supportive, caring, quiet, gentle and filled with love than I ever, ever have imagined when I’ve believed my stressful thoughts.

I feel so very lucky, so full of appreciation to notice what’s actually true. Astonishing.

I thank every inquirer who does The Work with me, as I get to see the most remarkable clarity arise out of their own inquiry. Stunning.

“Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Yes, even that story. Even that one.

Especially that one.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. This may seem a little crazy, but I have more room than I’ve had in awhile at this retreat. If you want to come, email me or text me 206-650-1230. You can join us. Several of the participants who were going to be here are signing up for the Breitenbush retreat instead. If you want to be there, it’s only $245 before 11/1 for 3 whole days.

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Is there a wrong way to practice The Work?

Someone had to cancel their attendance at autumn retreat starting Weds due to medical emergency (she’s OK but going through a procedure on Thursday).

This means….we have room in retreat for you, plus a room available for you to sleep in a king size bed with plush beautiful pillows and comforter and everything you need, an absolutely gorgeous huge bathroom with a claw foot tub, and the peace and quiet of a retreat that shines a light on your inner transformation.

But, you don’t have to stay onsite to come. I myself commute daily the mile from my cottage to this beautiful house.

Last year, someone in fall retreat was chuckling with surprise at the antique flavor, the elegance, the hot tub, the quiet garden grounds in the middle of a large city like Seattle. Our retreat house was built in 1918. There’s a grand feel to the place.

Like a haunted mansion. LOL.

Isn’t that what it’s like sometimes in our minds, with all the thoughts, stories, memories, or nightmares from our past, or imagined future?

I love this time of year to question the haunted thoughts in our minds.

So, no matter where you are….you can bus, drive, hitch-hike, fly and you still have three days to call in “well” to your job. Come join us in the brilliance of doing The Work at this magnificent place only ten miles north of downtown Seattle. Hit reply if you have questions for me, and just ask.

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I receive a whole lot of brilliant, challenging and honest questions about The Work.

I got two this past week alone.

Different people from very different parts of the world asked these two separate juicy questions:

a) Do you think the work can be the only tool one uses in mental health therapy?

b) Isn’t all this self-inquiry kind of, well, self-centered?

Such great questions.

Every situation and every person is unique, even though we humans are so similar. But I can share with you my own ponderings, and you can sort out your own answers, as always.

First, I like to think about where my question comes from? Is it from my fearing mind, or a relaxed one?

I used to agonize endlessly about decisions and if I was doing something “right” or not. One thing I recognized was the belief I had about doing it “wrong” or making a mistake and the honest need to question that it was possible to do it wrong in the first place. I like to ask, when making decisions or wondering about something:

Is the question arising out of fear and urge-to-protect, or self-compassion, love and joy? Am I afraid something will go wrong?

If you’re asking Question A (can you use only The Work to address mental health issues?) then I love going further into it like this:

What part of me is asking? Who wants to know? Is it a voice that’s suspicious, or worried about using other therapeutic tools? Or is it a wise and loving voice?

(My thought is, why wouldn’t I use other therapeutic help, if it was in front of me and inviting or interesting?)

Sitting with these questions and noticing peace in the presence of your reflections can be so sweet, so easy.

Is a decision necessary? What do you notice works for you today, right now in this present moment?

With the second question, Question B, (“isn’t inquiry too self-centered?”) there could be a few things also to ponder:

What does self-centered mean for you? Like is there something you believe you’re missing, because you’re spending time questioning your thoughts or stressful memories?

What’s the worst that could happen, if you’re self-centered? Who is this “self’ that The Work is centering around?

I’ve had the thought in the past that if I meditated all day (or did The Work all day)….I’d be a lump of unproductive clay (unproductive sh*%t) and leave nothing to the world and offer absolutely no important wisdom.

But can I be sure the thing I’m expecting as an outcome is for sure going to happen?

No.

I love rolling up my sleeves and being in action. My capacity to be active and alive out in the world seems to be far more expansive since I’ve been doing The Work. The caution I once had is massively reduced.

It feels really good.

Who would we be without our stories, including our stories about inquiring into our stories….or receiving other kinds of therapeutic help?

I’d be open to however this is going, and however it changes.

If you walk through the world without suffering about what’s happened in your life in any area, who knows what amazing actions you might take and incredible things you might offer us all.

If you can’t take the spot in retreat starting Wednesday night, today there’s room for two at half-day retreat. We begin at 2 pm and end at 6 pm. Come on over.

Much love,
Grace
P.S.
Breitenbush HotSprings Resort Retreat is Dec 6-9. $245 tuition before 11/1 (you add your lodging and all meals are included–it’s a very sweet winter deal).

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but my family member(s) will drive me crazy when I see them—(time for retreat?)

Only six days until Autumn Retreat in northeast Seattle, Washington up here in the beautiful corner of the US near Canada. Woohoo! Still room for two commuters, and one person could stay onsite (one comfy and gorgeous bedroom is available).

If you want a shorter simple half-day retreat, come over to my cottage Sunday, October 14th 2-6 pm. People drive from Spokane or Portland or Vancouver BC for these little half-day intensives. A sweet way to write one worksheet and “get the job done” as Katie says. Only 2 spots left. Register before if you can.

Who knows what else can shift when we spend the time together, deliberately, meditating in self-inquiry, the four questions, and sharing what distresses us.

There’s something profound about doing this work together, in the company of others, that just isn’t the same as doing it alone.

The last 2018 opportunity for in-person gathering in The Work is at Breitenbush HotSprings Resort, and it’s an amazing deal at $245 tuition before 11/1. You’ll choose lodging and every meal will be included. Cozy, off-the-grid, focused time on your inner life during this sometimes stressful holiday time of year. Call Breitenbush to sign up.

Speaking of holidays coming.

The other day I heard someone in Year of Inquiry mention visiting her parents soon, who lived in another city. Five days in her childhood home.

Her comment about the length of five days?

That it was loooooooong. Likely stressful. Perhaps torturous.

LOL.

It’s not uncommon to anticipate hard moments when it comes to getting together with family, right?

Canadian Thanksgiving just happened last weekend, and some of my Canadian clients had a few words to say about the gatherings held with family.

The holiday season is upon us, even if you don’t celebrate much. There will be decor out there, and invitations. We pack our bags, fly on airplanes, drive many hours, take time off from work, buy gifts, prepare food.

And there those people are. The ones we’re often related to. Being themselves. Just like always.

She’s so critical. He doesn’t try to get to know me. They ignore me. She always has something negative to say. He’s repeats himself. They drink too much. They drink too little. They expect me to cook. He buys too many gifts. She’s too serious. He’s too much of a jokester. They don’t appreciate me.

The same concerns, sometimes ever since childhood, we anticipate happening again. And again. And again.

But what happens if we inquire, instead, and actually take a look at these people using The Work to explore our objections, concerns, fears, anxieties, and upsets?

Is it true they always criticize? Is it true you don’t really belong? Is it true you can’t measure up? Is it true you probably won’t have a good time?

Huh.

No. I can’t be sure without a doubt.

But even if you think you CAN be sure, and those people have been the same for decades so-why-expect-anything-to-change-NOW….

….consider who you are in this moment as you think of family (or whoever–it doesn’t have to be family, it just has to be THOSE people) and you have troubling thoughts about them?

I brace myself.

I think….hmmmm. Maybe I should just stay home. I think about just surviving, or getting through it (not actually enjoying myself). I have an energetic shield up. I’m ready for the incoming barb, or attack, or judgment. I’m defended. I’m sad. I’m worn out. I’m resentful.

So who would you be without your story of these people?

What if you were going to visit them for the very first time, and you had never met them before?

What would it be like to be fascinated with the dynamic, the people, the scene….with no expectations whatsoever?

Who would you be without the thought you know what it’ll be like (and it’s not good)?

Right in this moment while I’m imagining my own family all gathered together and the exercise of seeing them for the very first time with no story….

….I suddenly remembered a lovely inquirer who attended Breitenbush retreat last year telling me she was shocked at the elegance of Breitenbush.

I asked her what she had expected?

She replied she thought it would be two hot tubs in the Oregon forest at the end of a dirt road. She was surprised beyond expectation. Stunned in fact.

Could this also happen with family, if we look at them with no story, using our imaginations to watch, with curiosity, like we were aliens from another planet?

So this inquiry can apply to anything you anticipate in the future. Any journey or gathering. Any traveling plans.

Who would you be if you didn’t have any expectations but were getting an interesting tour of planet earth?

Wow.

I’d be excited. I’d feel full of laughter. I wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to do, but I’d ask questions. I’d say out loud “what were you thinking when you looked at me that way just now?” or “I’ve noticed that about me, too” or “Hmmm, when you make that comment, I feel worried you don’t like me” or “I have no idea what I’ll be doing next year, do you have a suggestion?”

Ha ha!

It’s so fun to wonder what it would be like as they do their thing, and I’m not stressed about it. What an interesting exercise!

Turning the thoughts all around to every opposite, one-by-one, is the powerful last step.

I turn it around to myself: I am like that to me.

I turn it around to the other: I’m critical of her, I don’t try to get to know him, I ignore them, I always have something negative to say in my head, etc….

I turn it around to the opposite: She’s accepting. He does try to get to know me. They don’t ignore me–they’re including me right now in their own way. She does NOT always have something negative to say. He doesn’t repeat himself. They drink just right, for my own learning and awareness in their presence. They don’t expect me to cook. He buys just the right amount of gifts. She’s serious and it’s wonderful. He’s a jokester and it’s brilliant. They appreciate me.

Could our opposites be just as true, or truer?

You have to find genuine examples you already believe, that you really already know are true.

The reason so many of us do The Work is because to sit with this inquiry allows us to see without our assumptions. We find acceptance of those characters in our lives.

Maybe not just acceptance, but a freedom to be ourselves, and to be happy, no matter who’s around.

Even her. Even him.

“If you think you’re so enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” ~ Ram Dass

If you’d like to get truly transformational support on doing this work of the master, come gather with us in retreat.

Question your stories, change your holiday season.

Much love,
Grace

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Mothers and our eating: is it their fault?

This is a little controversial.

Our mothers.

Don’t they have rather a lot of influence on our lives?

(Ahem).

When it comes to eating, food, and body image, mother soften have passed along a story that’s quite intense about food, cooking, serving others food, eating, body shapes and what they should be.

They learned, just like we did, what was acceptable, good, perfect, or successful.

And they showed us.

Sometimes, they showed us very well indeed. 

It’s quite profound, however, to be the one who questions any painful story you’ve heard, or learned, or thought….when it comes to mother.

Here’s a story that may surprise you about my mother, and what I felt when she said “I’m so proud of you”.
I wasn’t happy.

Eating Peace Free 70 minute Masterclass. Sign up to be notified and join the webinar here. You have a choice of three times:

  • October 24th 9 am PT
  • October 25th 2 pm PT
  • November 11th 10 am PT

Free 8 day Eating Peace Experience Course November 4-11, 2018 on facebook LIVE. Opt in HERE to join and receive all the daly lessons.

Eating Peace Process 5 month Immersion starts in November. Registration will open at the end of October. Read about it here.

Eating Peace Annual Retreat. Learn more here. Jan 9-14, 2019 in northeast Seattle, Washington.

Much love,

Grace

 

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The Work of Byron Katie Free First Friday – ending our own suffering

First Friday Inquiry Hour is 7:45 am – 9:15 am Pacific Time.

Join me live right here. Audio only. Use phone or WebCall to connect for free and be heard (should you decide to share). If you prefer to be listen-only then connect using Broadcast.

The options for joining First Friday sometimes don’t appear until 15 minutes before the call. Come at 7:30 to take your virtual seat on the call.

Can’t wait to do The Work with you.

This past week, in the very same format as First Friday,(everyone gathering via teleconference) a profoundly stressful thought appeared from one of our group members in Year of Inquiry.

About mother.

She should have stopped the suffering.

I witnessed precisely this same thought a few weeks ago on retreat, and the same thought in a retreat last year.

I’ve sat individually with others investigating at this thought.

I’ve felt the rage of wanting Someone Else to fix it, and believing I was unable–but they were.

They should stop the suffering!

She should take us to safety. He shouldn’t have let this happen. They shouldn’t have taken such risks.

I remember believing this about my father and mother.

We’re driving in our van on a dirt road through tall yellow grasses. My mother is looking tensely at a map and speaking sharply to my father who is driving and saying “this has to be the right road, there aren’t any other roads!”

The sun is getting low.

I sense we were supposed to be somewhere by now, wherever our destination is for the night. My three sisters and I have been playing word games and looking out the window at the African landscape.

We hear gun shots.

In the distance I see a lone house begin to come into view in the orange light. Someone is standing and waving their arms back and forth above their head in the way that appears to be a universal sign for “Look here! Over here!”

We bump down the dirt road, my dad stops the van, and grown ups are talking to one another while we four kids are still in the car. My parents come back to say we’re not staying here, we still have a ways to go to get to the peanut farm.

Nothing more happened. Nothing terrible occurred.

But there was so much tension in the air, I still remember it quite vividly. The fear, the sharp words, the not knowing what was happening or where we were exactly (a country called Rhodesia).

When we get to the peanut farm, the white family greets us (we are also white) and there are whispers about the dangers, but we’re ushered into comfortable bedrooms with mosquito netting.

I look back and learn of that year we were on the road, and all the insane political events happening very close. I wonder about my parents taking us to dangerous places.

Is it true they should have stopped?

No.

The situation I describe was nothing compared to the other painful situations I’ve explored with brave inquirers looking at the violence in their childhoods.

You might answer “yes” to this question. The one I trusted, the one who was supposed to look after me should have taken me away from that danger.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

This is never about condoning or passively accepting an awful situation, or saying it was good when it was not.

But what a profound question: Is it absolutely true–is the entire story true–is everything I think about this situation actually true?

For me, no.

For the inquirer in our group, even though the answer was initially “yes, it’s true”….

….we kept going.

How do you react when you believe the thought that someone (mother, father, anyone) should have protected you, done something, stopped the suffering?

Who would you be without this belief?

As I’ve heard others answer this question, the compassion that arises for the one who couldn’t protect is astonishing. The compassion and sadness for the whole situation. The heart-break for humanity.

To touch into the power of this kind of love for what we thought was dangerous, frightening, intolerable, someone-else’s-fault….what a gift.

I hope you’ll join me for First Friday in a few hours. Let’s do The Work.

Connect with us here.

No one is guilty of anything other than believing their thoughts. ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace