It’s First Friday this week. Meaning, inquiry time online together, open to anyone and everyone. Listen, share, do The Work. You can remain quiet or participate however you like.
Enter your name and email in the link here (it’s the easiest way to get the instructions for how to join). Your email won’t be used for anything except giving you access the First Friday call. If you’re able to make a donation, you’ll see the contribution link on the call page (not required). See you Friday.
Speaking of getting connected…sometimes the opposite feeling is rather troubling.
Disconnected. Left out. Not belonging.
Have you ever felt like you weren’t a part of whatever’s happening? Uncared for? Ignored? Not as close to the group as others? Dismissed? Maybe even rejected?
And here’s a funny thing I’ve noticed: those of us who feel left out or on the outside of a culture, society, group or family actually spend time avoiding or getting away from what seems false about the crowds.
At least I did.
It’s almost like the craving for genuine connection becomes so acute, there’s no tolerance for scenes where people appear loud, hyper, distracted, false, needy, or driven.
Sometimes, we avoid our own family of origin. Too much of that feeling of being left out rises to the forefront.
Or we avoid those friends who have all known each other since 8th grade. Too stuck in the same patterns of conversation.
Let’s do The Work.
Can you find a group or a time in your life when you felt left out?
The other day I had a vivid memory (I shared it on my facebook live show when it popped in my head).
I was at a sister’s birthday party when I was 10 and she was turning 9. It was summer, hot, and so incredibly beautiful outside. The perfect northwest summer day.
Many of my sister’s friends were gathered round the picnic table and every place setting had a little colored cup filled with candy. Balloons bounced in the breeze.
Everything looked so magical to me.
And I was overwhelmed with a feeling of intense jealousy as my sister opened her gifts. One after another beautiful presents, smiles, claps, colors, and then….oh terrible sinking envy.
She got a black tape recorder.
I WANTED A TAPE RECORDER!
How come she got one before I did?
The thing is, I already had the equally terrible thought that since I was jealous and envious, I was selfish and bad. I couldn’t let anyone see, especially my mom.
She did not approve. I knew it.
I felt so humiliated, left out, unnoticed. I had to gulp my tears. The rest of the party was horrible. I quietly slipped away to my room.
Only years later did I put together that six months earlier, my own birthday party in the dark of January was switched to my friend Sari’s house last minute because my mother was sick with breast cancer and having surgery.
I didn’t really know what was happening, just that it wasn’t good. I remember being worried, and no one at all in my family was at my party. I remember liking the party OK, and enjoying my friends who apparently successfully made it to Sari’s house instead of mine. But I was so anxious.
And even though I was ten, I had no words to communicate any of this. I just felt sick, and empty, and left out, and not even sure why. I felt like I didn’t belong, and everyone else got what they wanted in all of life, but not me. (I didn’t really put details together clearly at the time).
What a great early childhood moment for The Work.
I’m left out. I don’t belong.
Is that true?
Yes.
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
No. I’m here at my sister’s party. I’m not kicked out.
How did I react when I believed that thought that I was left out?
Very sad. Distressed. Not saying one word to anyone.
Who would I be without my belief?
I’d hold my mom’s hand (or try). I’d find my dad (where was he, anyway)? I’d find a friend in the neighborhood. I’d try to find help, connection. I do know there were people around. I was not all alone.
I’d feel OK in my own skin, no matter what was happening.
Turning the thought around: I’m not left out. I do belong.
Isn’t this just as true, or truer?
Yes.
I was able to speak English, which was the prevailing language. I had the capacity to sit down at the picnic table (I was standing off away from the gathering). I could ask my sister if I could play with her tape recorder sometime (we had a ball with it later).
I’m a part of that family. I have a room in that house. I’m a kid. I’m breathing the air, watching, enjoying the warm summer day, delighted as anyone else is. I don’t have to believe it’s wrong to want something wonderful. I don’t have to believe I’m selfish.
Since that time, I’ve learned so much about counteracting isolation. I’ve entered into group situations set up for honesty and true connection. Places that felt safe.
Places where I could question “I’m selfish” or “I’m wrong” or “I’m needy”.
Twelve step meetings, support groups, therapy groups, trainings, schools, workshops, meditation retreats, places where guidance and structure is given for participants.
My favorite!
I love being touched by the sharing human beings do in groups, the loving council shared, the wisdom.
I also love simply finding connection to myself most of all. Not needing anything more, not needing to be seen by anyone but myself. Being here, joyfully in silence at this very moment, as I type away in the dark night of an autumn northwest–only about 15 miles from that August day many years ago.
If it’s time to gather in genuine sharing and inquiry, which brings such honest clarity to any group, then there are many choices coming soon in the Pacific Northwest for gathering together:
- Living Turnarounds Deep Divers group October 14th from 2-6 pm at Goldilocks Cottage (my house in Seattle). Room for 4 more.
- October 17th evening through October 21st morning, autumn retreat. One room left onsite, with a hot tub and beautiful gardens for everyone.
- December 6-9 a winter retreat in the winter woods of Breitenbush Thursday evening through Sunday morning. Hotsprings pools, warm cozy cabins, delicious vegetarian organic meals, steam sauna, The Work mental cleansing.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Come.