Month: June 2013

Posted on

Those Yakety Yak Talkative People Were My Teachers

A most interesting thought, one that appears quite often for many humans, is a judgment that someone in their world talks too much.

  • She is such a Chatty Cathy
  • He drones on and on
  • That kid never shuts up
  • She will keep me on the phone forever
  • He’s always dominating the conversation
  • Men can’t stop talking about their accomplishments
  • Women can’t stop talking about their complaints
  • I need to go, but that person needs to finish speaking first

All kinds of other subtle beliefs dance around these beliefs about those upsetting talkative blabbermouth people….but a core repetitive idea that lies at the bottom of the list is that they should STOP talking.

Then, I would be happier.

Probably everyone else in the environment would also be happier. I’m sure of it!

I see how I have reacted when I believe the thought that someone should stop talking…..

….the minute I hear their voice, or see their phone number appear on my cell as it begins to ring, I want to run. I want to get away. I cringe. I don’t answer the phone.

I feel a clenching in my stomach. Ach, not this again.

I feel trapped in the conversation.

One of my most favorite discoveries in questioning this thought has been realizing my own inability to interrupt, walk away with gentleness, say no, and notice that I am no longer moved to listen.

There I was, believing that someone should be quiet, stop communicating, stop pestering me (or everyone) with wordiness, hush up, slow down, listen, get silent….

….and there I was waiting, with fake patience, for them to figure out that it would be better if they stopped talking!

I discovered the turnaround that they should keep talking, especially as long as I waited like a victim for them to stop.

I was being invited to investigate this thing I felt so resistant to, with compassion, clarity and peace.

Just because they were talking did not mean I needed to listen.

Just because they were talking did not mean they were desperate for conversation, or that it would hurt them if I said “I am done listening now, I want/need to go do something else.”

Just because they were talking did not mean there was something wrong with them!

So as I watched myself question the belief that anyone should ever stop talking, I noticed myself joyfully interrupt, learn to say I am not available, tell a caller that I need to hang up now, and gently leave if I wanted someplace quiet.

The most true turnaround?

I should stop talking, in my mind, going on and on about that talkative person and how my happiness depended on them stopping.

I should stop saying internally “I wish they would stop” and “I need to get out of this conversation and don’t know how” and “I can’t say no” and “I can’t hang up the phone” and “it would be rude to cut them off”.

I should stop talking to myself, telling myself that I should listen when I don’t really want to.

I had the most wonderful realization recently, while facilitating our amazing group of inquirers at Breitenbush Hot Springs.

I saw that since I have done my work on this concept, and pow-wowed with others, and humbly learned that I had a huge desire in the past to never interrupt…that NOW I am GREAT at interrupting.

In fact, I don’t give it a second thought. I never had any stressful thoughts about anyone who was talking, I just knew to watch the time and hold the space as a facilitator.

I knew that it was my turn to be the leader. It was sweet and powerful.

Trusting the guidance from within that has nothing to do with being nice or not-nice. Taking action without being against anything!

“True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

I discovered that I had actually been interfering with my own preferences in the past. I had not been letting things go their own way, allowing that person to talk, me to take care of myself, or take care of the group.

“We don’t want to take care of ourselves because that means giving up the wish to be taken care of by someone else.” ~ Cheri Huber

When no one has to change in order for me to be happy, they can be talking and talking, and I know what to do (and it may change, I may love listening, I may not).

When I take care of myself honestly, I am free. Truly free.

In the structure and the guidance is love.

Love, Grace

P.S. Next year Breitenbush! Same time of year, same place, new fabulous inquiry, new (and returning) group of amazing inquirers. June 25 – 29, 2014. Stay tuned for more information.

Posted on

OK That Death Is On Your Shoulder

Here I am in the lush, earthy-smelling, dark green, damp Pacific Northwest forest of eastern Oregon.

I am sitting in my little cabin, in bed with my trusty laptop, and my newly written worksheet on The Body.

Fourteen people have come together to contemplate painful beliefs about the body, including eating, pain, accidents, mental illness, weight, aging.

“The worksheet” as you know, if you’re familiar with The Work, is the place where you write out your most despicable, vicious, frightened, depressing, nervous, unhappy thoughts about whatever it is you are thinking about.

It might be a person you know, your parents, your child, the weather, the government, that country, this world, your house, your work, money, your body.

Even if you’re not super familiar with The Work….step one on the way to discovering freedom and a life without stress is simply identifying the painful thoughts speeding through your mind.

These are thoughts you think that don’t feel good. Images you picture that don’t feel fun or sweet, that may be horrifying or extremely sad.

Memories that appear that are desperate, dreadful, or disgusting.

There are a lot of thoughts in the mind that feel downright awful when you think them.

This is the beginning of The Work…identifying these difficult, troubling, worrisome thoughts.

Then, once they are out in broad daylight, right there on the paper, they can be examined rather than avoided or brushed under the rug.

In our workshop full of people, we all wrote a Judge Your Body worksheet after considering a time when we had an objection to something going on in the body.

A situation occurred, and we saw our body as a problem, some part of our body as an irritant, or a major fear.

For me, my body grew a tumor on the right leg. Cancer! It also has a cellulite-y butt, an aching right foot, a left hip that gets stiff, and graying hair.

And yes, I know the mind is right here, close as close can be, watching the whole thing, inseparable from this body, a part of it…and yet we can so easily separate the body from whatever it is I think of as “me”.

It seems like there is my body, and then there is my mind, which notices, thinks about, critiques, and finds solutions for the body.

The mind, I notice, has had judgments, opinions and assumptions (happy ones and unhappy ones) about the body since I was very young!

So this evening, I’ve brought myself this gift of reeming the heck out of this body, telling it what I REALLY think about this situation.

No holding back…this is letting it rip to the fullest throttle.

Question One on the Judgment worksheet: What is it about your body that angers, confuses, or disappoints you, and why?

I mean REALLY, REALLY enrages you, scares you, gets you mixed up, disappoints you, freaks you out, makes you feel nauseated?

Well…since you asked….

I am frightened with this body because it’s going to die. It feels pain. It’s vulnerable. It can never be absolutely perfect.

This situation sucks! Who thought this up anyway! We come into a body, it runs into things and things bump into it, it grows and moves and operates itself somehow through some amazing and mysterious life force, and then decays either a little or a lot, and dies either sooner or later.

Stuff has happened, and will happen again, that HURTS. I don’t have control. I don’t even get how the thing actually works, or why it’s doing what it does.

And after being in the body (which I’m not exactly sure I am in, depending on what “I” is) and being here on planet earth, I have to die after all that! Jeez!

I OBJECT!

But wait.

Instead of objecting over and over again (which I notice has never worked so far to change the situation) and ask if it is really true for me that it’s upsetting that this body is going to die?

YES! If someone asked me right now, like a waiter in a restaurant: would you like death…or would you like life?

I’d say LIFE. Duh.

So can I absolutely, beyond any shadow of a doubt, know that it is upsetting to die?

Can I know that it’s final, difficult, painful, tragic, that I’ll leave all the people I love forever, that I’ll never be connected to them again, that it will hurt?

Oh, well, now that you put it that way. I can’t actually KNOW with complete absoluteness that dying is upsetting. Or separating, final, painful.

I haven’t actually done it, in this lifetime. Yet.

Come to think of it, I have NO IDEA if it’s true that death is upsetting.

I know that the way I react to the world and to my life when I believe that dying is upsetting is that I cling to this life, I think people with great health, youth, and vitality are lucky, I think signs of aging (meaning…on the way to death) are bad. I think my cancer was frightening.

The way I react to the world when I believe death is upsetting is that when someone I really love dies I feel very, very sad. I miss them.

Who would I be without this thought that death is upsetting?

What if I couldn’t believe that this situation of being alive, in a body, is disturbing (in a bad way)?

What if everything is going unimaginably well with this body? What if it was a good, good thing that it’s had the “flaws” it has appeared to have, the accidents, the distress, the injuries, the pain, the ugliness, the signs of death?

What if death is so dang awesome it’s going to be the adventure of a lifetime!

Fabulous! Can’t wait! So lucky if you find out your dying sooner than later! Woohoo!

“Each separate being in the universe returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

Of course you may not be thrilled about death, or life, every moment. But to begin to examine this idea called death…that we will all experience…opens up our minds to Great Investigation.

We feel fear, sorrow, angst, paranoia, impermanence, we imagine what we’ll miss in the future when we consider death, so sure it will hurt either emotionally or physically.

But not to brace against it, or resist this situation of living in All This, being here, apparently being alive just for awhile, knowing death is coming…

…what freedom. How incredible.

Joyful laughter arises. I know nothing.

“It’s good to realize you will die, that death is right there on your shoulder all the time.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

Posted on

The Kindness In Not Being Understood

Last week in the One Year of Inquiry group, we looked at the belief “that person should understand me.”

As happens sometimes, I then found myself working with several different people during the week who had this belief, for years, at such a deep, penetrating level that the very thought of letting go of it induced anger and frustration.

That person really should have understood! They should have taken the time to hear me out. They should have understood that I was afraid, sad, distressed, in need.

They should have been compassionate, attendant, forgiving, curious.

The mind can bump up against this belief like a brick wall.

How could it be possible that I would be fabulously OK with that person never, ever, ever understanding me…with that person not caring, listening, opening to me, with that person not even TRYING to understand me?

Without this thought, I would be lost in the void, totally alone, no desire to connect, hopeless, depressed.

I need this thought so that I keep on trying to connect. I need this thought so that I keep on trying to figure out how it went wrong, what went wrong, and how to prevent it from happening again with someone else.

Feeling the grief or depression or hopelessness of not being understood is worse than at least having the hope that they COULD understand, that I can assert myself, I can explain myself better, that I can defend myself, that I have SOME kind of power here.

The fear of being in that hopeless place, where I am not believing the thought that this person should understand me, and they still do not understand and probably will NEVER understand, seems terrible.

Yet, can I absolutely know that it is TRUE that they should understand me? What is happening in reality?

They do not understand.

Is there any inkling of possibility, no matter how small, that this person should not understand, cannot understand, will not understand, and must not understand….for your benefit?

Could there be any advantage, at all, no matter how small and seemingly low an advantage, to their lack of understanding?

I did this work, and then repeated it on the same person several times.

Every time, I had new insight and awareness of the advantages of that person not understanding me.

  • I don’t have to listen to really long explanations of that person’s family life anymore–she decided I did not understand, so she takes these stories elsewhere
  • I won’t be invited to a conference I didn’t want to attend anyway, next year
  • I can talk about meditation with others who like it more
  • I don’t need to worry about my social inadequacies or low income (by comparison)
  • she offered me an awesome feeling of my own trustworthiness, integrity, and patience
  • I won’t find myself in over-priced bars for meeting venues

I realize that after the “misunderstanding” I felt more confident, more free, clearer about my profession and more relaxed in some areas than ever before.

I discover, I actually am open to not knowing all the benefits for me, personally, around this person not understanding me….but trusting that the way it went was a good thing.

When I am believing it’s a terrible, upsetting thing that she or he did not understand me…then I expend TONS of energy fighting for understanding. I talk, plead, explain, justify. I am not silent. I ruminate on the whole relationship and where the misunderstanding occurred over and over again.

When I do not believe that anyone should understand me, my mind is quiet. It has no project. I am in the present moment. I feel rooted, peaceful.

“I questioned my thoughts and my world changed, it put me in a kind universe…and that’s how I decided that the universe is kind. I kept coming back to that kind universe and all of the proof. I couldn’t prove the unkind universe, that’s what keeps mind busy, proving the universe is unkind, that’s the mind’s job; to show us the universe is unkind, but when we begin to question that then all the real evidence is; the world is kind and I invite people to test it.”~ Byron Katie

 

Perhaps just the right amount of understanding or lack of understanding is happening, at just the right moment, in just the right way…for awareness to blossom, for the mind to end it’s struggle…for my own enlightenment.

“Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, achieves without doing a thing.” ~ Tao Te Ching #47

Let yourself not know why that relationship went the way it did.

You may feel your heart open to the whole world, with them in it.

Love, Grace

Posted on

They Shouldn’t Be So Sad

One of my favorite quotes is by Ram Dass when he suggests that we can feel blissful on retreat, or in our daily lives and in our practices….but go home for a week and see what happens.

Depression, irritation, anger, sadness! Argh! I thought I was free from all this!

Forms of stress and troubling emotions can sometimes enter the scene within minutes of encountering that person we have lots of memories with, those people who disappointed us, or who are not living their lives as we might have hoped.

We know what that person is like, and it’s downright difficult to be around them!

Even as we knock on the door of their home, or call them, or answer the telephone….we may feel a clench in the gut…ready to brace against that mean, abrasive, complaining, disheartening, unhappy person.

I love when once I realized, that every time I thought about my grandma, who has been dead for almost twenty years now, I saw her face all pinched and angry, her cigarette that was constantly burning, her sad look.

She rarely spoke.

“She shouldn’t have been so sad”.

That is so sad that she was so sad! What a funny thought really…but one I believed since I was a child. Every time I thought of her, I felt a little sad myself.

I wanted to shake my head….oh the waste of a precious life. A hurt, unhappy person, never resolving her life, never finding peace.

I realize how stressful that thought was, throughout my childhood, watching my father (her son) believe the thought, watching him try to help her feel better.

Even now my mind will still make guesses for how much abuse she must have suffered (which I don’t know is true) or how much self-criticism. I never saw her smile!

My mind loves to analyze “now WHY would someone be so sad and quiet, and rarely get up from her chair”.

But as I watch the scenario in my mind, allowing myself to remember very clearly a moment when I saw my sad grandmother in her chair….I realize that I don’t know what is happening in that situation.

I’m not even entirely sure that she IS sad. But even if she is, why is that sad for me?

People around me should be happy. Not sad. IS THAT TRUE?

Yes! It’s so much more fun! It’s easier! I don’t have to think about them! No worries!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, that people around me should be happy? That my grandma should have been happier in her life? Or that she wasn’t?

No.

The way I react when I see someone and think they are sad, and that this is a sad thing, is that I myself get sad and I want to help them. My throat gets achy, I reach out, I try to make them smile.

There’s all this effort moving towards that person, away from me. As Byron Katie would say, I am in that person’s business, and out of my own business. In other words, I am focused big time on them, not me. And I want them to change.

Whew, it’s a lot of work.

Who would I be without the thought that it’s sad when someone is sad? That people should be happy around me?

For a moment, it may feel heartless. What do you mean, NOT have that thought! I would be careless, disconnected, too detached, selfish, self-centered!

They would suffer even more, I would pay no attention, I wouldn’t CARE, they might even die!

Are you sure?

Turn the thought around: it is NOT sad when that person is sad. People should be sad around me, not happy, if that’s what they are. I myself should not be so sad when that other person I love is sad. 

My grandma was just right, perfect the way she was. A human being with an entire life with huge parts in it that I had no idea about. Only a few small pictures in my mind of her really.

As I remember her, I realize that I don’t actually know if she WAS sad all the time in the first place. She lived a long, long life with tons of experiences, perhaps many of them very happy.

I’m not even sure that my dad was upset about my grandma being sad, really, or that it was a bad thing that he felt helpless and unhappy about her predicament.

I realize I know very little….I have simply assumed that the person over there with a sad look, or who is crying, must be consoled and assisted and comforted, or else.

“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. “If I feel peaceful,” they say, “why would I bother taking action at all?” My answer is “Because that’s what love does.” To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day with drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

I love imagining living the turnaround that my clarity and happiness brings kindness, and the most easy wonderful, loving action with that sad person I know (who, by the way, I am not sure really IS sad anymore).

I don’t have to make special plans for that person, or worry about them, or anxiously hope for their mood to change. I will know what to do, with love.

You will too.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Achieving Goals Are Easy When You Don’t Believe Them

Last week I somehow added some strength training (weight lifting) to my gym routine. I’ve thought about it from time to time but not done it.

It’s weird, because it genuinely did not feel like I decided. It just moved, very easily, in that direction, almost as if that was the thing to do next, at this time.

A friend of mine reminded me that she herself wanted to add in some kind of strength building to her physical fitness routine. She texted “Hey! We can support each other!”

So that may have added awareness to the field, but we haven’t been in communication since.

Now, these kinds of plans, goals, declarations and structures appear to be a part of the culture. There’s always something one can add.

Improve! Build! Raise the bar! Succeed! Take it to the Next Level! Break out of your comfort zone!

Lordy.

Nothing wrong with any of this if it’s fun and joyful.

But often, it’s a wee bit stressy. It appears to require a lot of effort to do these things, just to even hold the thoughts.

There’s a sense of getting swept up in the “I should, I have to, I need to, I want to…” focus on the future.

And the thought repeats itself, on a regular basis. Even when there may be no action taken.

Anxiety can come along just from THINKING about starting a new “program” that’s supposed to help.

Then if the mind observes no movement, it adds that to the mix of stress saying “what’s the problem here? get going! what’s wrong with you?”

I love really looking at “goals” or new programs related to health, education, creativity, career.

A lot of stress, disappointment and criticism forms within these realms.

People say things all the time like “I’m going to enroll in that training, I’m going to get that degree, I’m going to get in shape and lose weight, I’m going to finish my book, I’m going to pay off that debt, I’m going to get a new job, I’m going to get married or find a partner…”  

Humans have fun (or feel hopeful), it seems, thinking about what it will be like later, when this activity is underway, or it’s completed and accomplished, and they will feel WONDERFUL.

Why, gosh…people even say this about spiritual enlightenment! I myself have made this kind of statement!

“I’m going to get enlightened. I’m going to do what it takes: meditate, go to retreats, study, find a teacher, go hear the enlightened speaker guy (or gal), pray, study all the scriptures, read the sutras….”

There it is. The imagined lovely picture of the future. When I am my ideal, more perfected version of this “me”!!

The whole thing is quite hilarious. I’m not sure when it happened…but I remember realizing that the thought “I want to become better” (enlightened, fit, relaxed, successful) is actually worthy of investigating in great depth.

Not just assuming it’s true.

It SEEMS like I need to become better. Better at leading, facilitating, working, keeping track of time, communicating…you can name your thing (and there may be many).

Often we will think (at least I did) that if I didn’t have the thought that I need to keep a fire lit under my feet, that I need to stay revved up, push, pedal-to-the-metal, rah rah GO….then I wouldn’t ever take action.

Without these thoughts of pushing and demand of myself…I might remain a total failure.

Yet for me, for some weird reason I dug out my dusty weight-lifting books, went to the gym, and started. I have no idea if I’ll keep it up.

It just seems like the inner voice is saying “yes” and there is no conflict. It was like “why not?”

This would definitely not fit into the category of “goal”. And it’s sweet and relaxing that way.

Without any big expectations.

I notice that when today is also fine, only doing what I really, truly wish to joyfully do, then those are the times I’ve actually wound up at the imagined goal ending.

Who would I be without the thought that “I should (the list)”?

Why not see for yourself?

We’ll often think it will be really bad, and we’ll never accomplish anything, if we don’t have the thought that we should do that thing to improve ourselves.

Many people will agree about what is “right” and “wrong”. Weight lifting = RIGHT. Lying on the couch all day = WRONG.

But what if you stop knowing or being so sure, or operating with goals, plans, structure that is made without ever questioning what is right for you?

“You have a decision to make, and your mind wants to know what the right decision is. But you realize that that isn’t a relevant concern anymore because your framework for decision making has been conditioned. A “right decision” according to whom? One person’s “right” is another person’s “wrong.” If you’re not going to make decisions based on right and wrong or should and shouldn’t–which only exist in thought–then how do you move?”~ Adyashanti

How amazing to explore the dreams we think we have for the future and really ask if they are true for us?

Are you sure that feeling strong, feeling energetic, feeling love, feeling success, feeling abundant is going to happen later…in the future sometime…after you “work” on yourself some more?

If we never learned what was good to go for and bad to NOT go for…what would you do today? What would you notice, or enjoy?

What would be genuinely fun, interesting, kind, creative, successful, compassionate, enlightened…right in this moment?

Much Love, Grace

P.S. If you are interested in investigating everything you believe about money, your need for it, the way you get it, what’s wrong about this moment and right about a more successful moment in the future…then join the Earning Money teleclass starting July 11th.

When you question your thinking, you can change your life. Really!

Write if you need partial scholarship help.

Posted on

Feelings Are Guides From Beyond

When something really difficult happens, and I mean something drastic, final, life-changing, perhaps shocking….then it is natural for a human being to react.

Someone dies, you find out you have a disease, an accident occurs, a relationship changes, you lose something (your job, your house, a possession)….

….The thing happens, you take it in fast, you respond. Your mind generates feelings, your body feels them almost simultaneously.

The feelings may develop immediately, they may morph and move in various directions. They may come and go from day to day after the event.

One thing I’ve noticed over time, working with many people one-on-one, is that people become very afraid of their big feelings, and afraid of the event repeating itself.

It’s like the mind screams “EMERGENCY! You cannot feel this much. You will have a heart attack. You can’t live through this grief. You aren’t gonna make it. You must do everything to get back to ground zero, calmness, relaxation, stability.”

The mind presents to us images, pictures, ideas, someone’s voice speaking in our head, words. You’re repeating the event in your mind over and over, and tightening up over and over against the event.

It feels like a little child, squeezing her eyes tight and plugging her ears with her fingers and making noise with her mouth so she can’t hear the frightening or see the scary thing happening.

It’s one huge gigantic “NOOOOOOOOO!”

When the traumatic event happens, you have the first-time experience of going through it.

But then the mind goes into replay. Rewind, replay, fast forward, rewind, replay.

The mind wants to do its job as a protector (it thinks it can) and make sure that thing NEVER happens to you again. EVER.

Which is of course impossible to guarantee.

It’s a full time job trying to manage, diminish, reduce, fix, or contain the very stressful and painful feelings.

I have found in myself these simple beliefs; “I can’t accept this situation, I can’t handle these feelings” are profoundly stressful.

No matter how subtle or huge these beliefs may be…it requires effort to hold onto them.

The way I myself have reacted, and the way other people also describe reacting, when believing they can’t handle “x”, they can’t handle their feelings about “x”, is they are frozen, they panic, they work very hard and use tremendous effort to change.

How do I react when I believe I can’t handle a situation, and I certainly can’t handle it ever happening again?

Adrenaline, busy mind, anxiety, lack of humor, irritation at other people who don’t feel the same fears….feeling alone, feeling self-pity, singled out, squeezed, tense, sleepless, planning for the worst case scenario.

Who would you be without the belief that you can’t handle what has happened? That you couldn’t handle it happening again in the future?

Or that having a big reaction of fear, pain, agony, or grief is horrible and must be shut down?

When I first began to sink into The Work and realize along the way that I could question my deepest, most profound personal fears….I realized that this meant my most deeply imagined horrors about life.

The death of my children, earthquakes, sickness, war, violence.

Interesting that these all have to do with death. The threat of death, the probability of death, the awareness of death, the possibility of death.

Group death, my death, the death of many, the death of people I care about.

But who would I be without the thoughts “I can’t handle this situation. I can’t handle death. I can’t handle the fear!”

Who would I be without the thought that my fear is bad, frightening, wrong, must be controlled? Without the thought “I shouldn’t be afraid.”

I would feel accepting of my own reactions. I would be kind towards myself when I had strong uncomfortable feelings. Gentle, compassionate.

I would feel so real, and free. I am afraid.

Without the thought that I shouldn’t be feeling whatever I am feeling, I notice something inside the middle of my body relaxes, and the feelings of fear, or the horror-visions that my mind sees sometimes, the anger, all of these are accepted here somehow, maybe even welcomed.

How do I know I’m supposed to be afraid? Or in pain? Or feeling grief?

I am.

And then I can discover what I am thinking, and question it with such openness and willingness, without trying to change what I’m feeling.

What I’m feeling, in fact, takes care of itself.

Feeling intense fear, rage or grief will simply be felt, it will move as it moves.

No need to control yourself or pull yourself together, or manage your feelings or stop being so afraid of that terrible thing happening again.

See if you can feel what it’s like to simply be whatever you are, without worrying about it or condemning it.

Hello terror. Hello rage. Hello profound grief.

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.” 

~ Rumi

….Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond. 

~ Rumi 

Much Love, Grace

 

Posted on

When You Make Demands You Suffer

I once worked years ago with a woman on a project whose voice really bothered me.

I would hear her speaking to another person, or addressing a meeting where I was present, or talking on her phone, and inside feel like the sound of her voice was like fingers on a chalk board.

Such a squeaky, false, high-pitched, minnie-mouse, fake-syrup voice! Arggh! How can anyone STAND IT! I’m gonna kill myself if I have to listen one more second!

Quite recently, I met someone who had the very same kind of voice. I had a little jolt inside..”oh no, not THAT kind of voice”.

I had to laugh.

Even in that small, tiny moment, encountering someone I might never speak to again, I wanted to NOT hear what I was hearing.

I was against that sound.

That constriction inside the mind or gut that says “no” offers a most amazing opportunity for awareness.

This is what questioning your thinking is all about, really.

Questioning what hurts, what feels uncomfortable, annoying, smelly, disturbing, and IRRITATING AS HELL….and finding out what is going on, what you really think is bad about that thing.

So having the reminder of the woman’s voice from long ago, I went back in time and asked myself what did I believe was wrong with that voice?

  • she’s trying to over-compliment people for personal gain
  • she’s pretending enthusiasm, happiness, cuteness
  • she complains a lot, so she is needy for attention
  • she could burn me, betray me or others
  • something about her is not genuine, she’s a fake!

I realized once I got into it, that I was believing a whole humongous amount of beliefs that I had absolutely NO idea if they were true.

And what was the danger of her being a fake, or pretending, or winning peoples’ favor?

She might hurt me, when I didn’t expect it.

I was scared about getting stabbed in the back. It had happened before. With someone who looked all sweet and kind, complimentary and inviting on the outside.

Ouch. I suddenly realized that I thought people shouldn’t lie, and people shouldn’t surprise other people (er, that would be ME) with anger, or pain or jealousy or opinions.

Even though I had a small level of stress about a VOICE and what the tone was like….there was a demand present, as there always is when I say “should” or “shouldn’t”.

“I demand you be different than you are.” 

This can be just a little bit different, or a LOT different. Doesn’t matter.

So was it really, really true that this woman should be different than she was being? Should her voice really change, so that I could be happier (and trust her more)?

Should she, or anyone else, never do that thing that I call getting surprised, hurt, accused, criticized, snubbed, attacked, pushed away?

No. I can’t know that it’s true.

Am I sure that I was hurt? Am I positive those people who do something surprising should be different than they are, for my sake?

You might say “yes, yes, yes”! You might feel wretchedly hurt by someone. You might have the scars to prove it.

Keep going with your inquiry anyway.

Notice how you react when you believe the thought “that person should be different” whether in the past or the present, or in the future.

It sucks. It’s so painful. You can’t stop thinking about them and wondering what you did wrong and perhaps becoming furious all over again, or very sad.

Who would you be without the thought that they should be different? Ever?

It’s an amazing question.

“…when someone criticizes you, blames you, or calls you names, instead of immediately retaliating or defending yourself—do nothing. Allow the self-image to remain diminished and become alert to what that feels like deep inside you. For a few seconds, it may feel uncomfortable, as if you had shrunk in size. Then you may sense an inner spaciousness that feels intensely alive. You haven’t been diminished at all. In fact, you’ve expanded.” ~Eckhart Tolle

What if that person is supposed to be exactly as they are, or were, in that very moment? This does not mean that what they did was right, or wonderful.

It just means that it’s not about you. They are living their life, being themselves with all their experiences and their beliefs and ways of thinking, and it’s not in your control to have them change.

What is in your control is stepping out of the way, and relaxing, and taking care of yourself, and noticing what’s actually true.

Not demanding that they change so you can feel happier, at peace, or calm.

“The Work reveals that what you think shouldn’t have happened should have happened. It should happened because it did, and no thinking in the world can change it. This doesn’t mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle. No one wants their children to get sick, no one wants to be in a car accident; but when these things happen, how can it be helpful to mentally argue with them? We know better than to do that, yet we do it, because we don’t know how to stop.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnarounds for me: I should not be how I am, especially when it comes to how I think about that person’s plastic voice!

I should not be so nervous, worried about being “tricked” again, worried about being lied to or accused falsely.

I myself have been over-complimentary, inauthentic, and a fake, by hiding my true feelings!

I myself have pretended I was happy, when I wasn’t!

That person should be exactly as they are! 

Her voice helps me let go, reminds me to relax, to not take things so seriously, that I do not really have a handle on what is or is not true, or dangerous, or in my control in this situation.

I also notice that any time I’ve ever been criticized, or accused, or pushed away, I have been absolutely OK.

In fact, I must admit, I have come out better in the end every timethan before I got surprised, or tricked, or confronted, or attacked or called names.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she need to do and demands nothing of others.” ~ Tao Te Ching #79 

Much Love, Grace

Posted on

In A Relationship With—It’s Complicated

The other warm, gray, rainy afternoon I was out on my bicycle, listening to Adyashanti on my ipod, and he said “you will lose your inner world.” 

I began immediately to be acutely aware of my mind and the way it loves to analyze “inner” and “outer” worlds.

It SEEMS like there’s an inner world. All the churning mulling energy that goes on inside what feels like the head and the body.

Sensations are very busy here, within.

I feel a chill, or hunger, or a clutching in the throat when I feel worried. How about tightness in the gut, or a deep ache in the shoulder blade, or a heavy overall feeling of lack of energy that feels connected to grief.

What about fidgeting, boredom, buzzy energy? That can feel like its inside, too. Along with all the thoughts, images, pictures, scenes, memories, words, sounds, ideas.

Only me is inside here. Having a conversation about everything. Without actually talking out loud.

It will feel like this inner world has a boundary, is held within a container.

But where is the edge? When you close your eyes and meditate….and as they say “go within” what is this place that is “within”?

It’s like, if you keep it with yourself, to yourself, and don’t speak or it or reveal it, there’s a strange sense of the so-called inner world being mysterious, secret, unique, personal….and MINE.

(Wha-ha-ha-ha, the evil barron laughs and looks over his acreage of dark land and says “Mine! All Mine!”)

It feels like there is a “me” inside here. You know what I’m talkin’ about, right?

Your “me” is over there, inside your body/mind and my “me” is over here in this one.

There is a whole entire world in here….of past memories, future expectations, people I’ve encountered, what I recognize, what I’ve learned and know, my personality, my age and physical attributes……..it is ME! Voila!

So if there feels like an inner and an outer….where does the outer start and the inner end?

Impossible to find, really.

But I used to think “well, GENERALLY, the boundary is my skin…except in some situations, it’s two feet outside my skin…except now that I think about it, it’s as far as I can reach, except…it’s complicated.

Kinda like the “facebook” definition of some relationships, where you can indicate what kind of relationship you’re in.

I’m in a relationship with the universe….its complicated.

But what if it isn’t, not really?

Because nothing is truly clear about it. I think “I” am here. But I’m not sure.

Maybe the “I” is as far as I can hear, smell, see, feel, touch, taste.

What about when I talk on the phone to someone across the globe? Or remember something from 3rd grade very vividly? What part of the “I” is THAT?

I realize that the minute I observe, perceive or experience something…a person across the street, a cat meowing under the porch, a car parked outside the window, the recycle bin under the desk, the keyboard I type on….it is now just my experience.

Foggy boundaries, no line.

What if you lost this “inner” world? What would that look like? What might that mean? In a good way?

What if whatever this “I” seems to be was turned inside out, and everything that was supposedly on the inside (all the ruminating, the beliefs, the secrets, the thinking, the opinions) got dumped out on the kitchen table?

And then, what if you didn’t take any of those things seriously any more? What if you lost your labels and conditions and questioned everything?

All those lists of what you should be or do or say or think, all those things you think make your “I”…what if it’s OK to let those go, to find out they aren’t true, to not resist or force or direct or grab at anything?

Who would you be without the thought “this is me”? Without the thought “I need to…I want to…I’m against…I’m for…this/that should happen…”?

How very exciting! How mysterious, and exposed, and empty all at once!

“The important thing is not to know who “I” is or what “I” is. You’ll never succeed. There are no words for it.” ~ Anthony De Mello 

Nothing to hide or stash away, just this thing (called the human being Grace by some) experiencing…Life.

“Awakening happens in the absence of a separate self; indeed, the realization that there’s no self here to awaken is the reality that we awaken to. Everything is functioning perfectly just as it is…” ~ Stephan Bodian 

Much Love, Grace

P.S. If you think you’re a YOU that needs to earn or receive some money…come join the Money teleclass starting 7/11.

Posted on

There Is Nothing Wrong With You

The other day I was watching a short teaching video on my computer as I tried to figure out a technical step on my website.

The man had a super crazy thick New York accent, funny jokes, and was overall pretty entertaining. But I didn’t know how to solve my technical problem when the video was over!

It made me think about the instant moment of taking in someone’s personality. We all do it every day.

One person, very quiet and soft-spoken. One person boisterous and loud. Tid-bits of information about where that person is from, what their culture is like.

The mind, that information-gathering machine, will start commenting on peoples’ personalities immediately.

  • he is so kind
  • she is very needy
  • these people don’t think for themselves
  • that man is really angry
  • her mother talks only about herself, non-stop
  • those kids are very rebellious
  • that person will never stop suffering

Little assessments happening, all day long, about other people.

Many of us conclude very fast who we like and who we don’t like, what kinds of personalities are appealing, which ones not so much.

And we do this constant-commenting thing about ourselves as well…noticing what we’re like, how we behave, what we say, how we respond to all these people we run into.

One of my most favorite things (well….sometimes it feels a little scary) has been opening up to what other people say about MY personality.

Even asking them for feedback.

“I would really love to know, what works and what doesn’t work about the way I respond to you, the way I come across to you? I want to hear your true thoughts.” 

WOW.

As I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with this question, and hearing peoples’ answers, I get really honest, amazing feedback.

A bunch of it is complimentary. This is beautiful to take in, of course.

But you may have noticed…the mind gets anxious about the stuff that is NOT so complimentary.

So that’s what I’m talking about today.

Here are a few things I’ve heard where I noticed a little fear arise, what people have said to me:

  • you should interrupt other people and stop them from talking so long when you’re facilitating a group
  • you don’t talk enough about yourself
  • you do too much cheerleading
  • you’re too passive
  • I need you to make a difference for me in one session with you (and you didn’t)
  • I didn’t understand your class
  • you don’t have enough time for me
  • you are not being collaborative, we have very different personalities
  • I don’t believe you

OMG! The mind will take off faster than a speeding bullet!

I need to change! How could this error have happened! They perceive me as imperfect! What can I do to fix this “problem”?!

HONK!!! (that’s the buzzer going off, TIME OUT!)

There is only fear or resistance in the mind that believes in being perfect, having no flaws……the mind that believes that being liked or approved of is important.

Once again, it’s like there’s a core underlying belief that got established somewhere, somehow (and it doesn’t matter where) that wants to be loved….whatever that means.

“I need to be seen as helpful, useful, worthy, loving, kind, likable, strong, successful, aware, enlightened, clear, supportive…”

The thing is, if these thoughts screams out from the rafters above all the other critical thoughts, you won’t ever get to really look at the so-called critical ones.

That list of criticisms might be VERY, VERY interesting to investigate.

“I love receiving what the world calls criticism. It’s a very, very fast way to know yourself, just in case you don’t—-the world does! So if you’re a true seeker, open your mind to criticism….could they be right? Because until we realize what our enemy realizes about us, no change is possible. How can I change when I deny? It’s not possible.” ~ Byron Katie

When I hear what someone else tells me, and relax, I am not as frightened of their minds as I have been of my own mind.

I do not take it all so seriously.

Who would I be without the thought that people need to find me helpful, lovable, entertaining, important, effective?

I’d hear what they have to say with excitement, fascination, even joy.

I’d have the feeling inside “could they be right?” And I would look, watching with wonder, open to the awareness.

Without the thought that criticism is bad to receive, I trust the universe, I let go of trying to control anything or anyone and their opinion of me…

…I notice how thrilling this all is, and how all is well.

“There is nothing wrong with you.” ~ Cheri Huber

I start at the top of the list of feedback I have received. I take this to inquiry. I investigate. I find out what I have believed it means about me. My mind opens.

Thank you, everyone, who speaks their truth. Thank you everyone who comes, everyone who goes.

“And when you begin to feel this joy, that’s when you’ll know God’s nature. Then nobody will upset or disappoint you. Nothing will create a problem. It will all appear as part of the beautiful dance of creation unfolding before you.” ~ Michael Singer

Much Love, Grace

Posted on

Stepping Backwards When A Relationship Ends

When I was traveling half way around the world recently with my beloved partner, after almost three weeks of 24/7 time together….at one point I thought suddenly “it’s easier to be single”.

So many advantages, for an introvert like me. Although I couldn’t believe the thought for more than 15 seconds.

But there was a flash, a vision of the benefits, all in an instant. Quiet, silence, space, no deciding what we’re doing next, no talking….fortunately, all I needed to do was to say “could we have no talking?” and my husband lovingly agreed.

And it was really hilarious that I even jumped to that thought in the first place, because I used to think the opposite: “it’s better to be partnered.”

The belief that it’s better to be in partnership, dating, have a girlfriend or boyfriend is really common. And often stressful.

“I can’t get what I really want, need, desire, enjoy…unless I have a partner”. 

Many people are single when they say or think this thought. At least, I said it when I myself was single.

I would be having a wonderful time, and then have the thought “this would be BETTER if I had a partner here with me!”

Now, I’m not saying that being married to the amazing and sweet man I am married to is difficult. It is, in fact, the easiest, most kind, loving, simple relationship I’ve ever known.

But I swear….it seems like this current relationship appeared when I came to stand in a place where I really did not care if I ever got married again. Or care if I ever lived with anyone again. Or care if I was “in a relationship” again.

I did The Work a LOT on relationships….especially after my first marriage of 15 years ended.

Fortunately, I had The Work.

Fortunately, I stopped “trying” to go get something different. I stopped trying to move forward into that new state of relationship that would be better.

I stopped, and questioned my thinking.

When a relationship “ends” (we’ll talk about what that means in a minute) then it is very common for human beings to feel a great variety of feelings…feelings that HURT!!

I was not only hurting, I felt physically sick. I could not sleep well, I had a low-level anxiety running at all times, and my future looked bleak.

I thought that “ending” meant a lot of things. BAD THINGS.

My thoughts about myself were the most excruciating. They went something like this:

  • I am worthy of being broken up with
  • if I was good enough, this wouldn’t be happening
  • I can’t make it financially on my own
  • I can’t handle house repairs or car repairs by myself
  • My life will never be the same, it is over
  • I will never risk being this hurt again
  • The rest of my life, I will be lonely
  • I need someone else to pow-wow with, to converse with, to be intimate with emotionally and physically

As I looked at the beliefs and the whole system of thinking about Relationships: The Pros and The Cons.…I realized that many of the primary core beliefs broke apart and didn’t even make sense once I began to investigate them.

Could I really know that it was true, that this relationship “ending” meant that I wasn’t good enough? That if someone was breaking up with me, it meant BAD THINGS about me?

Could I really know that I couldn’t make it financially on my own? Or handle daily life tasks?

Was it really true that my life changing drastically was a TERRIBLE thing?

Was I really, really, really as hurt as I thought I was? Or lonely?

Was I SURE I could only get the intimacy I craved from a primary relationship?

No! I had no idea, really, that what was happening was a dreadful, horrible, terrible thing.

When I believed that it was a bad thing….life was rough. I was scared, confused, closed, nervous, and unhappy. I wasn’t interested in other people, or I was TOO interested in people who actually did NOT REALLY interest me. A knot of tension and dishonesty.

And then I asked the amazing question….“who would I be without the thought that breaking up or ending a relationship is a bad thing”?

What if it was a good thing?

“How do I know I don’t need a boyfriend? Simple: I don’t have one. ” ~ Byron Katie

Ending an important relationship brings so much opportunity to question stress and pain…I found the turnarounds to be amazingly true.

A relationship ending could give you the opportunity to enjoy your own company, to enjoy yourself as worthy, to notice how you are good enough, to make it financially on your own, to handle house and car repairs yourself, to notice life was already not ever going to be the same (always changing), to laugh, to see how intimate you can be with anyone, in every way.

I mean, you could ROCK, without needing anyone!

And here’s the funniest thing of all: the relationship didn’t actually “end”.

There is communication, conversation, ideas, response, memories, laughing….they continue.

Even my father, who is long gone, I can remember, think about, talk to…it did not “end”.

“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

I say, question your thinking, change everything you know about relationships.

It’s worth it.

And if I can do it….lordy…you can do it too.

Much Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.