The other day I was watching a short teaching video on my computer as I tried to figure out a technical step on my website.
The man had a super crazy thick New York accent, funny jokes, and was overall pretty entertaining. But I didn’t know how to solve my technical problem when the video was over!
It made me think about the instant moment of taking in someone’s personality. We all do it every day.
One person, very quiet and soft-spoken. One person boisterous and loud. Tid-bits of information about where that person is from, what their culture is like.
The mind, that information-gathering machine, will start commenting on peoples’ personalities immediately.
- he is so kind
- she is very needy
- these people don’t think for themselves
- that man is really angry
- her mother talks only about herself, non-stop
- those kids are very rebellious
- that person will never stop suffering
Little assessments happening, all day long, about other people.
Many of us conclude very fast who we like and who we don’t like, what kinds of personalities are appealing, which ones not so much.
And we do this constant-commenting thing about ourselves as well…noticing what we’re like, how we behave, what we say, how we respond to all these people we run into.
One of my most favorite things (well….sometimes it feels a little scary) has been opening up to what other people say about MY personality.
Even asking them for feedback.
“I would really love to know, what works and what doesn’t work about the way I respond to you, the way I come across to you? I want to hear your true thoughts.”
WOW.
As I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with this question, and hearing peoples’ answers, I get really honest, amazing feedback.
A bunch of it is complimentary. This is beautiful to take in, of course.
But you may have noticed…the mind gets anxious about the stuff that is NOT so complimentary.
So that’s what I’m talking about today.
Here are a few things I’ve heard where I noticed a little fear arise, what people have said to me:
- you should interrupt other people and stop them from talking so long when you’re facilitating a group
- you don’t talk enough about yourself
- you do too much cheerleading
- you’re too passive
- I need you to make a difference for me in one session with you (and you didn’t)
- I didn’t understand your class
- you don’t have enough time for me
- you are not being collaborative, we have very different personalities
- I don’t believe you
OMG! The mind will take off faster than a speeding bullet!
I need to change! How could this error have happened! They perceive me as imperfect! What can I do to fix this “problem”?!
HONK!!! (that’s the buzzer going off, TIME OUT!)
There is only fear or resistance in the mind that believes in being perfect, having no flaws……the mind that believes that being liked or approved of is important.
Once again, it’s like there’s a core underlying belief that got established somewhere, somehow (and it doesn’t matter where) that wants to be loved….whatever that means.
“I need to be seen as helpful, useful, worthy, loving, kind, likable, strong, successful, aware, enlightened, clear, supportive…”
The thing is, if these thoughts screams out from the rafters above all the other critical thoughts, you won’t ever get to really look at the so-called critical ones.
That list of criticisms might be VERY, VERY interesting to investigate.
“I love receiving what the world calls criticism. It’s a very, very fast way to know yourself, just in case you don’t—-the world does! So if you’re a true seeker, open your mind to criticism….could they be right? Because until we realize what our enemy realizes about us, no change is possible. How can I change when I deny? It’s not possible.” ~ Byron Katie
When I hear what someone else tells me, and relax, I am not as frightened of their minds as I have been of my own mind.
I do not take it all so seriously.
Who would I be without the thought that people need to find me helpful, lovable, entertaining, important, effective?
I’d hear what they have to say with excitement, fascination, even joy.
I’d have the feeling inside “could they be right?” And I would look, watching with wonder, open to the awareness.
Without the thought that criticism is bad to receive, I trust the universe, I let go of trying to control anything or anyone and their opinion of me…
…I notice how thrilling this all is, and how all is well.
“There is nothing wrong with you.” ~ Cheri Huber
I start at the top of the list of feedback I have received. I take this to inquiry. I investigate. I find out what I have believed it means about me. My mind opens.
Thank you, everyone, who speaks their truth. Thank you everyone who comes, everyone who goes.
“And when you begin to feel this joy, that’s when you’ll know God’s nature. Then nobody will upset or disappoint you. Nothing will create a problem. It will all appear as part of the beautiful dance of creation unfolding before you.” ~ Michael Singer
Much Love, Grace