When I was traveling half way around the world recently with my beloved partner, after almost three weeks of 24/7 time together….at one point I thought suddenly “it’s easier to be single”.
So many advantages, for an introvert like me. Although I couldn’t believe the thought for more than 15 seconds.
But there was a flash, a vision of the benefits, all in an instant. Quiet, silence, space, no deciding what we’re doing next, no talking….fortunately, all I needed to do was to say “could we have no talking?” and my husband lovingly agreed.
And it was really hilarious that I even jumped to that thought in the first place, because I used to think the opposite: “it’s better to be partnered.”
The belief that it’s better to be in partnership, dating, have a girlfriend or boyfriend is really common. And often stressful.
“I can’t get what I really want, need, desire, enjoy…unless I have a partner”.
Many people are single when they say or think this thought. At least, I said it when I myself was single.
I would be having a wonderful time, and then have the thought “this would be BETTER if I had a partner here with me!”
Now, I’m not saying that being married to the amazing and sweet man I am married to is difficult. It is, in fact, the easiest, most kind, loving, simple relationship I’ve ever known.
But I swear….it seems like this current relationship appeared when I came to stand in a place where I really did not care if I ever got married again. Or care if I ever lived with anyone again. Or care if I was “in a relationship” again.
I did The Work a LOT on relationships….especially after my first marriage of 15 years ended.
Fortunately, I had The Work.
Fortunately, I stopped “trying” to go get something different. I stopped trying to move forward into that new state of relationship that would be better.
I stopped, and questioned my thinking.
When a relationship “ends” (we’ll talk about what that means in a minute) then it is very common for human beings to feel a great variety of feelings…feelings that HURT!!
I was not only hurting, I felt physically sick. I could not sleep well, I had a low-level anxiety running at all times, and my future looked bleak.
I thought that “ending” meant a lot of things. BAD THINGS.
My thoughts about myself were the most excruciating. They went something like this:
- I am worthy of being broken up with
- if I was good enough, this wouldn’t be happening
- I can’t make it financially on my own
- I can’t handle house repairs or car repairs by myself
- My life will never be the same, it is over
- I will never risk being this hurt again
- The rest of my life, I will be lonely
- I need someone else to pow-wow with, to converse with, to be intimate with emotionally and physically
As I looked at the beliefs and the whole system of thinking about Relationships: The Pros and The Cons.…I realized that many of the primary core beliefs broke apart and didn’t even make sense once I began to investigate them.
Could I really know that it was true, that this relationship “ending” meant that I wasn’t good enough? That if someone was breaking up with me, it meant BAD THINGS about me?
Could I really know that I couldn’t make it financially on my own? Or handle daily life tasks?
Was it really true that my life changing drastically was a TERRIBLE thing?
Was I really, really, really as hurt as I thought I was? Or lonely?
Was I SURE I could only get the intimacy I craved from a primary relationship?
No! I had no idea, really, that what was happening was a dreadful, horrible, terrible thing.
When I believed that it was a bad thing….life was rough. I was scared, confused, closed, nervous, and unhappy. I wasn’t interested in other people, or I was TOO interested in people who actually did NOT REALLY interest me. A knot of tension and dishonesty.
And then I asked the amazing question….“who would I be without the thought that breaking up or ending a relationship is a bad thing”?
What if it was a good thing?
“How do I know I don’t need a boyfriend? Simple: I don’t have one. ” ~ Byron Katie
Ending an important relationship brings so much opportunity to question stress and pain…I found the turnarounds to be amazingly true.
A relationship ending could give you the opportunity to enjoy your own company, to enjoy yourself as worthy, to notice how you are good enough, to make it financially on your own, to handle house and car repairs yourself, to notice life was already not ever going to be the same (always changing), to laugh, to see how intimate you can be with anyone, in every way.
I mean, you could ROCK, without needing anyone!
And here’s the funniest thing of all: the relationship didn’t actually “end”.
There is communication, conversation, ideas, response, memories, laughing….they continue.
Even my father, who is long gone, I can remember, think about, talk to…it did not “end”.
“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti
I say, question your thinking, change everything you know about relationships.
It’s worth it.
And if I can do it….lordy…you can do it too.
Much Love, Grace
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