Every so often, I think of the movie Castaway starring Tom Hanks.
If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a man who is in a cargo plane crash (almost no people, just fed ex packages on board). He lands on a tiny tropical island awash with fed ex boxes and letters, but no people.
He lives there for four years before being rescued.
Can you imagine finding yourself on a tiny island, no inhabitants except you, yourself and I?
Many monks would do this on purpose in caves or in monasteries, spending time with only themselves, no one else. Just their own minds.
One of the deepest questions that appears to come forward in this aloneness, in feeling separate or empty or far away (like on an island) is lack of loving contact….whatever that looks like.
“I need love”.
It seems like it’s at the core of so many situations……as a very stressful belief.
The belief system all related to “I need love” looks like this:
Something happens, someone says something, someone gives you a look, someone makes a gesture…and there is a worry, a fear, a terror of being alone, being cut off, being bereft, falling, becoming nothing, feeling meaningless, being unworthy….
*my partner left me…I need his love
*she gave me an irritated look…I need her love
*my house burned down….I need other peoples’ love
*he said he hates my dress…I need him to like it
*she broke up with me…I need her attention
*my boss criticized my work…I need his appreciation
*my daughter is angry because I said no…I need her love
*my father raged at all the kids…we needed his approval
*my mother couldn’t stop criticizing…I needed her love
*I am suffering, sad, disappointed, angry, frightened…I need God’s love
*I have cancer….I need love
*I need more money…I need more self-love
I need his love, her love, their love, our love, your love, God’s love, and my own love!
When this feels absolutely true, that love in some form or another is missing, then yes, it’s sad. It’s terrible for some. Heart-breaking, desperate, clinging, awful.
And the mind just knows there is a solution: get love!
If only I was rescued from this desert island in the middle of the ocean, things would begin looking up!!!
If only I was filled with ecstasy, bliss and joy every second of every minute of every hour THEN I would be TRULY happy!
But I love questioning this thought that I need love, ever.
Is it true?
YES OH YES, OMG let me play the violin and sing the song, and tell you of my story.
I make fun of myself in all this….believe me, it’s not like I’m cured of thinking ever that I need love. Ha!
But can I absolutely know that I need it? Or that I have to do something about needing it? Or manage it or make plans or work out strategies to cope with needing it?
I know that the way I react when I believe the thought “I need love” in whatever tiny little way that shows up, is that I am careful. I don’t feel free. I worry. I freak out. I cry. I panic. I hunt for relief.
Who would I really be without that thought? Goodness, it’s almost hard to imagine.
At first, I wait. It’s an empty feeling without the thought “I need love”. It’s very quiet. Nothing really to do or say. Nowhere to go. Observing.
It can feel uncaring. Yet free. Liberating.
Who would you be, walking down the street today, without the thought that you need love?
It makes me break out in laughter! I start to notice things more freshly around me somehow, or not notice. It’s so open, so relaxed. It’s like the way teenagers say WHATEVER!
There’s something very funny about this. In fact, there’s something hysterical about the drama of thinking about all those times I thought I needed love.
All those times when I have been so grabby and nervous, so trying to calm down, or make an effort, or work hard, or be nice, or be healthy, or do the right thing…whatever those are.
“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti
The turnaround: I do not need love.
Doesn’t that sound exciting? Right in the middle of the situation where you thought you needed it most? Could that be truer that you do not, in fact, need any more love than you already have? Not one drop more of attention, approval, appreciation? From anyone, or anything?
Even if you’re on an island, or in a monastery, or all alone in your house, or someone just said something unpleasant, or you learned something troubling?
YES! WOW!
“If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.'” ~ Byron Katie
Much Love, Grace