Month: March 2019

One of the deepest most agonizing and painful feelings people with eating issues have….is shame.

I’m ashamed of myself for having this experience, for doing this type of eating, for thinking the way I think, for feeling the feelings I feel. 

Shame stays alive with secrets, hiding, keeping things to yourself. 

I found shame stayed alive through withholding myself, through not saying what seemed true for me. 

I wanted to hide the fact that I had eating issues, and even after I was no longer having any “disordered eating” episodes, I STILL wanted to hide my eating history.

Such a disgust around what I had done with food. 

The medicine for shame? A first profoundly powerful step is to share what you’re feeling with another human being–an individual, a group, it doesn’t matter–and be willing to enter that lack of safety. 

Today I talk about shame, some secrets I wanted to keep hidden…and also answer some questions about the upcoming Eating Peace program. In brief: the program has morphed and changed constantly. Honestly it’s worked brilliantly for some, and not for others. 

I’ve been learning for several years how to deliver what has worked for me with having a normal joy of eating and food, instead of suffering around it (as well as my body). 

It’s like my own eating peace program is how to share it with you, or really how to share it with my previous version of myself–the one who was so ashamed. 

Basically in a nutshell: the newest version of Eating Peace Process will start May 1st.

Participants will begin some practices step by step into their day to study eating, silence, thinking and inquiry (The Work of Byron Katie). 

We’ll do only the foundational practices for at least 2 weeks before moving on to more focus on the underlying patterns around compulsion. It’s my desire that everyone feel comfortable, and not so ashamed, when it comes to this eating thing. 

Most important of all when it comes to shame, in general? 

Identifying what you’ve experienced, done, thought or said that you feel is worthy of shame, and questioning it!

We’ve all done it in order to lose weight, or make some kind of change: Boot Camp, Crack Down, Force, Dictatorship….Violence.

We’ve read 850 books on diets and nutrition. We believe we know what to do.

Maybe there’s something we’ve been missing, though. Something emotional, some beliefs about cravings and food and eating and our bodie, some information and awareness we haven’t been tracking in the mind. 

Every time I applied control and force to myself, they persisted. 

What if your reaction to control and force is actually a voice for integrity? A voice that’s suggesting somewhere very important you need to examine, or understand? 

Who would you be without your story of fear, dread, anger, loneliness, despair? Who would you be without the story that life (including you) can’t be trusted in this moment? Who would you be without a story of out-of-control or must-fix right now?

It doesn’t mean you have to flip to the opposite and become passive, non-active, give up, quit trying.

Curiosity about your cravings might be one of the most interesting, brilliant things you’ve ever done. 

One way you can do it is to pause for 60 seconds.

Write what you are mentally concerned with–whatever’s on your mind. Notice, let it be random, it doesn’t have to make sense logically….it’s giving a craving and an imbalance the life it needs to live to become aware of it clearly, and understand it.

Much love,Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Process, an in-depth program for those of us with eating concerns, will start May 1st. Our focus is ending the repetitive cycle, working with self-inquiry, and finding the dance between what is and what can be, with loving compassion.

I opened my eyes this morning, and heard the deep breath four other women sleeping in the same room with me, lined up on the floor on mattresses, dorm room style. The light was  just dawning in the sky out the window.


We’re on the third floor of a huge house. A big open space with wooden floors, a gas stove in the corner and a few chairs around the perimeter of the room.

I’ve slept deeply. So far, I’ve had two full days and two nights being with my slumber party mates, plus 8 other people who are also in this same house (or nearby in an AirBnb), in focused self-inquiry.

This is a kind of inquiry combined with an invitation (not a requirement) for each person present to express any emotions felt in question three: “What happens, how to do you react, when you believe this thought?

Wow.

This is the kind of emotional release work I used to do in group therapy for three years. Telling the honest truth about feelings. Saying thoughts out loud. Losing our shame. Showing how we live and act and see and feel when we believe our stressful thought.

Roxann is our facilitator. As Byron Katie’s daughter, she’s been in the work for 30 years.

It shows. She’s not had such a disturbing awakening as her own mother who went a bit mad with having no more identity (you can read more about Byron Katie’s shift of consciousness in 1986 in Loving What Is).

Roxann got to learn self-inquiry in all its various forms from observing her mother’s life, and from coming along with her own experience.

Kind of like all of us are doing here; you, me, anyone interested in this “quest” of living with questions. We’re continuously practicing identifying and then wondering about our experiences, and our reactions to reality. 

It’s sweet and humbling and joyful to be able to sit in retreat and not be the one leading the group. I have the thought every facilitator or leader in any position benefits from this….all the beautiful learning, receiving, awareness that happens when we hold different roles in groups. When we’re open to how Not Done we are.

At least it’s good for me.

After my eyes opened this early morning, and I heard the sound of other bodies breathing deeply, I heard in my head this song playing:

Sun’s up, mmm hmmm, looks okay. The world survives into another day. And I’m thinking about eternity. Some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me.

I didn’t try to think it. I didn’t plan on recalling it.

It just popped in.

A joyful, brilliant message of grace by musician and songwriter Bruce Cockburn.

It came out in 1979 the year I graduated high school.

That was the last year anything appeared to be ecstatic for a long, long time. I felt lost, stuck, insecure, confused, addicted to drama and self-criticism, tortured for about ten years. College drop-out, father dying of cancer, boyfriend gone, over-eating, over-drinking, over-training, over-smoking, over-anxious, over-dreading.

Over-Thinking.

Not enough feeling.

It struck me this morning, as I dressed with joy, picked up my laptop, and went downstairs to set out breakfast for the group before writing to you here….that simply feeling without reservation, feeling without terror of judgment about feeling, feeling without shame, feeling with freedom to let it rip, let it be there….

….is such a beautiful allowing of What Is.

People on this retreat are all experienced in The Work. Everyone’s done it, practiced it, walked through it maybe hundreds of times.

And here we are together, sitting in Question Three and BEING who we are with our beliefs, letting them live….and THEN (and just as important) sitting in Question Four and imagining who we are without our story. 

Feeling who we are without our story. Remembering being in that situation, being with that difficult person without our story.

How?

By slowing the whole process down and letting the images, scenes, memories, feelings, words, silence….giving it all time to be there and be shared and witnessed.

I am stunned in this process that when we humans tell our story of pain, the feelings come alive. The vibration of feeling moves through the body, the limbs, hands, heart, chest, arms, throat, face. 

When we have the opportunity to be witnessed in this story and experience, the story can move, shift and transform into a healing one, not a victim one.

Sitting in the circle, every time someone does their work, I’m gazing into the face of someone absolutely brilliant: someone who knows their own inner life, and has their own inner guidance (without even knowing it sometimes), someone who’s following the simple directions to be themselves with a story they really want to understand and contemplate.

It’s always a story that’s caused deep distress and pain.

So yeah.

I had a story. 

I know I’ve written about it before so if you’ve read Grace Notes for awhile, you may have even read about it for 2 or 3 times.

Sometimes….a story takes time to crack open all the way, all the way. The story has its own timeline, its own pace. Some stories are with us for a lifetime, but the perspective alters.

There I was, jumping into my story of being abandoned, discarded, actually thrown away by my first husband.

Yes, I have spent time in inquiry and found miraculous advantages for everything happening as it did.

This work was about what was left.

He threw me away.

A scream came out of me that later, I noticed, hurt my throat. “Come back!! Come back!! Don’t leave!! I can’t do this on my own!! Nooooooo!!!” 

The scream reached back in time to my father and his cancer, and all the goodbyes from anyone or anything I had ever encountered that brought me support, help, strength.

The scream even reached into the future when my mom will die, or a good friend, or any friend who’s ever vanished, or maybe my current adorable husband.

Right now, I’m amazed at the core belief that just doesn’t quit in the mind: 

“I can’t”.

I can’t live well, I can’t do it, I can’t make it, I can’t succeed.

Who would we be without this story?

This weekend, by being here in the presence of these lovely willing humans, I’ve gotten to do The Work alongside them and they with me on boyfriends, ex-partners, father, mother, brother, sister, abandonment, betrayal, disgust, cancer, hatred, rage, terror, fighting, withholding, body, stalking, boss, service, duty, loyalty- gone-overboard.

I’ve gotten to un-crack more remnants of victimhood. The harshness of feeling like a victim.

The voice that says “I can’t”.

I notice right now, as I gaze for a moment out a beautiful French door with glass, a balcony, and still gray water lapping on the shore through the trees down below; I notice that except for my thinking, there is nothing terrible happening right now. 

Absolutely nothing. 

Turning the thought around: I can.

I can go on. I can live. I can succeed. I can make it. I can survive. I can do it. I can love. 

I already have–haven’t you?

And here’s a turnaround I love so much, and we don’t always find this turnaround in every inquiry: YAHOO!!! YIPPEE!!! I can’t!!!

Because here’s what I notice; When I can’t, something else happens, someone comes in to help, I wind up somewhere unusual, I get surprised (in a good way). 

I don’t even need to believe I can….I just am. I’m being it. I’m being breathed, as Katie says. I’m just here.

I can’t, so hooray and halleluia! 

I can’t….so that thing I pictured was unnecessary, it was a lie. I can’t, because I was needed elsewhere achieving something different. I can’t become an orthopedic surgeon because I’m busy facilitating The Work and writing this note. I can’t make a million dollars because I’m busy learning how fundamentally supported I am without the cash. 

I can’t stay married the first time because I’m of far greater service to the world, and a thousand times more connected to other people (my favorite) after being “left” and getting divorced. 

Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it. ~ Byron Katie

You can do this work, too. 

Find a witness, one friend, a family member, someone who can listen closely to you or maybe two or three. Invite them to gather. Tell them you want to share your story, Have them listen honorably, without interruption or advice. Then, wonder what it would be like to NOT have your belief in this identity, this “I can’t” story. 

There is something so very healing and liberating about sharing what’s true in your heart–the good, the bad, and the ugly. All the explaining you want to do about how you can’t and how sad or unhappy you are about it. 

Who would you be without your story right now in this moment that you are Not Able or You Can’t and it’s bad, sad, frightening, wrong?

Maybe a smile comes to your face. Maybe you get a little charge f Can-Do. Maybe you feel a whisper of inspiration, or patience. Or if you feel like me in the moment, some kind of ecstasy takes a hold on you. 

If you want to tap into this process of doing The Work (not necessarily in the same format of spotlight focus on feelings: beginners to experienced are all welcome) then join me on spring retreat in Seattle at our beautiful retreat house May 15-19. A few rooms left for those who’d like to stay onsite (ask about the fees for rooms). Register.

I Wonder Where The Lions Are–Thinking About Eternity by Bruce Cockburn. 

Much love,
Grace

“To me, sangha is a central support in meditation practice. Sangha is a community outside the realm of our work life and our everyday life, a place where we refrain from competition and one-upping each other. It’s also an opportunity to put the brakes on people-pleasing behaviors. Rather, we tell each other the truth of our experience.” ~ Pema Chodron

Gathering in a group is so wonderful, so meaningful, so supportive, and so…..difficult. 
Because….people. 

From time to time, it dawns on me how brave people are who are willing to do The Work with others.

It’s not easy. 

The Work asks us to expose the worst thoughts we have about situations, the things we should hide. And we better keep them hidden. Right?

We have the thing we’re thinking about with concern–it’s aggressive, painful, aggravating. Something happened, it felt so terrible. 

Ugh. What would people think?

And then, on top of our sadness or irritation….we’re also guilty and ashamed. 
The last thing we want to do sometimes is call it up, talk about it, write about it, or set our minds to inquiring.

Can’t we do something else?

(Oh, you mean like eat, drink, smoke, spend, game, internet? Sure! Won’t be fun though). 

Those Judge Your Neighbor worksheets are so frightening sometimes. What if someone read them? What if he knew I was writing this? What if she found it? 

(I’ve had many people leave their worksheets at my house in a secret file, and come back to keep working on them each week or month). 

It does take a ton of courage to express yourself honestly in the childish, hurt, cutting, bitter way we feel. We’re judging ourselves simultaneously while sharing our feelings at the very same time. 

Something screams “Don’t say that! OMG, she’s saying it.”

And yet….who would we be without the belief we shouldn’t reveal this embarrassing situation, or that awful thing we did, or the terrible words that person said to us and we’re now thinking about them? Who would we be without the belief that we have something to hide?

Turning the beliefs around: it’s wonderful to reveal our innermost thoughts and judgments, it’s NOT terrible to share what happened to us, it’s powerful to say what we did. We have nothing we need to hide. Safety is here. Acceptance. Love.

Could these be just as true or truer? 

All I know is, the greatest healing and peace, unconditional love and gratitude I have ever felt is when I’ve shared very personal, revealing, difficult things about myself, about my childhood, about my life….and been heard, witnessed and accepted. 

Reading Judge Your Neighbor worksheets out loud to at least one other has a way of admitting and owning: “I am here” and “I am human”. 

I know I feel honored and full of appreciation when someone tells me something they’ve been festering over that they haven’t spoken of before. 

And it’s extra special powerful when we get to do that in groups, with supportive, kind people who are all gathered to do The Work together. We’re meeting because we want to be free of our secrets or inner turmoil of judgment. There’s something incredible about finding out other people think the very same thoughts we do. 

Wow. We are not alone. 

We can all support each other, and ourselves, to write down our judgments–the most nasty hateful fearful thoughts we’ve ever had–and take them through this process called The Work. In doing this, we discover alternative ways to see, new possibilities.

Opposites. 

Who are we all without our stressful stories? 
Loving, sharing with each other. Getting support. Not doing it while suffering, alone. 

We’re a sangha.

I hope if you’re thinking about coming to retreat, you’ll do it in May. It’s such a wonderful time of taking off the dark blankets that have been hiding our pain, shame, embarrassment, anger, or grief. 

In spring cleaning retreat, everything’s blossoming, especially our inner spirits, as we become part of the tribe called human. 

You can do this with any circle gathered together to do The Work. Find a Meetup near you, google a retreat in the area, join a study group, get a partner on skype or the phone, take a class, work with a facilitator, have a friend facilitate you, and you facilitate them. 

It’s remarkable to live with nothing to hide.

Join me on retreat in Seattle at our beautiful retreat house. A few rooms left for those who’d like to stay onsite (ask about the fees for rooms). Register. 

Much love,Grace

Does it help you to identify whether or not you’re addicted to food? Has it worked for you to call yourself a Food Addict or Compulsive Overeater?

This was a question someone asked, and I love what it helps us look at….the definition of addiction itself, and what supports us in ending the suffering.

We all know addiction basically means to be caught in a negative cycle of “having” to use a substance, eat that food, “do” something that relieves pressure or brings some pleasure….

….and that when we do it, it feels briefly good but overall, the whole cycle basically sucks. It has terrible side effects (in the case of eating, feeling bloated, sick, nauseated, frightened, discouraged, guilty, condemning of the self, angry with the body). 

It does seem the process we’re calling addiction is whatever happens when we’re “hooked” and we feel like we can’t stop.

But it’s clear that with all the deep studying of whatever we’re calling addiction, it’s profoundly helpful to focus on the cause: difficult feelings, suffering, pain, trauma, anxiety, fear, rejection, betrayal. 

What I find most helpful of all is knowing that nothing is permanent. Everything changes. Many people who were once addicted, no longer are. 

It doesn’t matter ultimately if you say you are or are not by definition “addicted”. What is most important is noticing. 

Watching the movement and energy and thinking that happens in each moment. 
Feelings, thoughts, memories, urge to bolt.

Who are we without our stressful or negative or fearful thoughts about what we encounter, including our memories?

Allowing them, perhaps, to pass through…and return to where they came from. 

Much love,Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Process, an in-depth program for those of us with eating concerns, will start May 1st. Our focus is ending the repetitive cycle, with loving compassion.

I’m not sure what’s going on, but I just had a second registration for spring retreat come in for a cat. 

LOL. 

Actually, with cats, dogs, insects, birds; these creatures appear to be living, being, flying, running, jumping, playing, sleeping, hunting, snuggling, eating, moving….even if they are dying, it appears they don’t do it with the stress we humans sometimes have around these activities. 

Most living creatures besides humans don’t appear to be sufferingin the mind and thinking they need to forget, or change, or fix, or improve. 

Suffering is: remembering, thinking, worrying, regretting, projecting into the future, turning towards themselves with self-criticism and self-judgment (even self-hatred).  

Now, truth is, what do I know about a cat’s mind?

Like you probably do, I watch animals and plants and trees and notice they are all there, being themselves, in the present moment. 

They’re being “cat”. Or “tree”.  

When we observe everything around us it all seems wildly curious, mysterious, crazy, inexplicable. 

Where did All This come from? 

What’s going on?

Thinking itself is magnificent….but it also creates a lot of imagery, feelings, stories and inventions that aren’t necessarily true in this present moment. (I’m sure you’ve noticed, haha)!

Who would we be without our stressful thinking? 

We do think, that isn’t going to stop. We’re human. We have these amazing brains and creative imaginative minds. 

What is this fourth question in The Work offering anyway: Who would you be without that thought? 

One of my favorite things about the process of The Work, is narrowing our focus down to just one situation at a time. One person, one incident, one experience, on concept or thought that really disturbs us still when we remember it. 

We don’t have to force ourselves to Not Be with any thoughts. We’ll have thoughts, oh yes. Many thoughts. We love information and learning and gathering and understanding, don’t we?

And, we can wonder what it would be like without our stressfulthought, and use our imaginations to investigate and wonder.  

What I noticed after beginning to practice The Work, was that when I never questioned my thinking about anything, I was rather miserable a lot of the time, with an occasional blip of happiness and joy. 

Without believing my stories are the Truth….I’m much more like the rest of what I see around me: living creatures, chairs, tables, houses, pavement. 

I am this being, a part of the world, doing, then not doing, awake, then asleep. Not having thousands of stressful thoughts about it all. Noticing the comfort and stillness present, the speed, the slowing down, the movement of What Is. 

I’m more like a cat, or dog, or a living entity like a plant, without my stories. 

This may be more true than any of us ever realized. 

Astonishing.

“Our situation on this earth seems strange. Every one of us appears here involuntarily and uninvited, for a short stay, without knowing why. To me it is enough to wonder at the secrets.” ~ Albert Einstein

Join the practice of presence, clarity….and joy of being. Spring Retreat can help unravel stressful thinking, so we can see the beauty in what is. Register. 

Much love,Grace

E

Have you ever noticed that when it comes to Other People, you’re not so sure how safe you feel in their presence?

Long ago, I entered an ongoing therapy group. I experienced anxiety regularly, and my attitude towards life was a fine line between kind-of hopeful including noticing beauty in the world and deeply discouraged about humanity and my own plight.

I binge-ate sometimes. I smoked cigarettes on and off for a decade. I drank alcohol occasionally to the point of black-out. I drank a lot of coffee. I ran for miles at dawn. My kitchen cupboards were almost entirely empty. With pride I made sure everything I owned fit in my little Datsun named Ezzy. 

These were the outside behaviors, but they reflected what was happening on the inside: disturbance, unsettled, doom. 

Like when an airplane is enroute and suddenly the pilot says, after things start to get a bit bumpy and the sky is looking less than pure blue….“please buckle up and take a seat, we’re going through some disturbance.”

Then you see lightening flash and something crashes in the back where the flight attendants sit.

(That’s never actually happened to me, but it did to my sister. Everyone turned out OK).

I felt this kind of gloom and fear about every 3 days on average. 

Just so uncomfortable and always trying to find comfort. Where was it?

I didn’t know that it was in my thinking, and the way I perceived the world. 

What’s funny is, I was worried about crashes and accidents and death and illness and burning in hell and bad things happening, like an apocalypse, and I was secondarily worried about my experiences with other humans. 

This is where the therapy group comes in. There I was, surrounded by other humans.

Strangers even, in the beginning. 

Terrifying!

It sounds like I’m joking, but that was actually my feeling. Horribly frightened of their eyes looking at me, their words, what they were thinking, what I was feeling…..yikes.
Just walking into the therapy room each week where we all met took a lot of courage for me. I had adrenaline pumping through me, and I often thought “gosh, maybe I’m getting a fever” just before it was time to leave for the group on Wednesdays nights.

But I stuck with it.

Because something about being in the midst of all those people was me facing my worst fears. Something in me knew that if I could learn to handle just being a part of the group (or, dare I say it, enjoying it) I might find some freedom and peace.

Little did I know how wise this was. 

For what happened, was when I found at first a little calm, then relaxation, then safety, then actual JOY about attending the therapy group (it took a few years)….

….my fears about the apocalypse and plane crashes and horror movie visions also shifted and became far less intense.

Who would have known that becoming comfortable with people was the doorway into becoming comfortable with life itself, and everything that happened in it?

This is why I love groups now, and honest conversations.

True Confession: I still get excited and slightly nervous about retreats, programs, talks, meetings, being on stage, leading something, interviews. 

All these things involve Other People, my old fear. 

Who would we be without our beliefs about the dangers of other people?
It’s never, ever, ever as unfriendly as I have made it out to be. It’s much, much better, consistently. Being with other people has truly opened the doorway to an unexpected, beautiful peace, intimacy, closeness and love. I’m part of a tribe of life called humanity.

And it all started with biting the bullet: Accepting that I’m full of fear and volatile emotions, and I don’t appear to behave in support of my own interests…..and that I needed some help. 

So I showed up in therapy group, willing to see what happened and willing to be there.

The pain and suffering I experienced drove me to gather with others.

It was difficult, and one of the best things I ever did. In that group, I felt challenged, terrified, full of grief, crying in front of people (gasp), enraged….and then also, full of joy, unconditional love, and understanding.

We were questioning our beliefs (before I ever heard of Byron Katie). We were finding out who we could be without our stories.

Connected. Loved. Loving.

This is why I do retreats and form groups and gather with the Year of Inquiry people each year, and the Eating Peace Process tribe. 

It’s unknown, mysterious, and healing to do The Work in the presence of others. It really takes courage to show up and be honest and share from the heart, mind and soul with Other Humans. 

If you’re like me, you start to dream of caves, books and a quiet day all alone as a Dream-Come-True and why bother letting other people hear my plight or my concerns? 

Why do I do it?

Because it’s my Living Turnaround: Other People are profoundly safe, My Thinking about other people is what is unsafe. 

When I believed speaking out loud was unsafe because those people might shun, reject, criticize, judge or hate me….I lived a fearful, careful, apologetic life.

I wasn’t honest. I hid. 

Turns out, it was much safer to be in their presence in a truly honest, open, willing way.

Not comfortable at first, at all. 

If you’d like to practice challenging your belief that Other People are not pleasant, unsafe, boring, worrisome, doubtful or judging you (etc, etc) then coming to a retreat is a brilliant way to do it. 

It’s not a weekly therapy group for several years, it’s a fairly short and simple commitment (only 4 days out of your life) and a retreat in The Work provides a place to expose your true self gently, honestly, in the company of others who can relate.

Including me.

Spring Cleaning Retreat is an inside cleaning job, but the paradox is that it couldn’t happen unless we gathered with others. That’s the key ingredient, the doorway, into a new way of seeing life. 

I’d love you to join me. 

Register.

“None of us, including me, ever do great things. But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful.” ~ Mother Teresa
Much love,Grace
Other upcoming events:

• Eating Peace Process Online Brand New Version. Same principles, delivered better. Lifetime access. May 1-August 15, 2019
• April 14th half-day retreat at my cottage
• June 9th half-day retreat at my cottage
• June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
• East West Books Seattle Thurs June 27th 7-9 pm
• Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
• Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
• Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together

https://InstantTeleseminar.com/Events/114360906

Event Page Password: eatpeace 
If you don’t have access to the web, you can listen in by dialing (425) 440-5010, and using the following conference pin: 305799# 

An interesting turn of events appears to have slowly been budding in the past six to twelve months here in my little business world.

Like a very slow motion flower blossoming.

Time to prune the offerings and focus even more deeply on a few: eating peace process, divorce/break up, the upcoming tenth group of Year of Inquiry. 

(Not the tenth actual year of Year of Inquiry, to be clear–the very first year, I had 4 groups start–one every quarter. It was super fun. And way more work than I ever anticipated. LOL.)

I mention all this because the upcoming May retreat will likely be the last 4 day retreat for awhile (with the exception of Breitenbush summer retreats and the annual Eating Peace Retreat in January–which is a luxurious 6 whole days). 

When I began offering 4 day retreats, it was because so many people gave feedback that living in the process of self-inquiry for more than two days on a weekend was profoundly helpful. 

I could feel it myself. The group grew ever more deeply as we investigated, shared, and walked the trail of wondering who we’d be without our stories. 

I’m always so moved by what I witness at retreat. 

And, it takes some courage and time to thaw out those hard, solid stories about hard times we’ve encountered. The betrayals, the disappointments, the experiences that felt traumatic and then affected our lives from that point forward. 

If I sit and consider the hard times….I can still make an instant list.

My father dying of leukemia, an abortion, my first husband leaving the marriage, fear and anxiety overwhelming me in my 20s, abandonment, a good friend’s shocking betrayal, a sister cutting me off, having no money and almost losing my home, getting a cancerous tumor on my leg. 

All of us can make a list. 

The things that hurt. The events that continue to echo within our nervous system or our hearts, leaving us a little (or a lot) unhappy with life, leaving us not feeling well or not feeling ourselves. These situations seem to bring difficulties, compulsive behavior (like addictions), nervous tics, sadness, worry, upset. 

The way I know out of the mental chatter, fear, or shattered disappointment, is to question my perspective and find my answers. 
That thing that happened….you know the event….it changed your life for the worse….

Is it true?

Are you absolutely sure it’s true that it changed your life for the worse?

Right now in this early morning writing, I think about my divorce 12 years ago and the road to having the private practice and business I’ve been dancing in over the past decade. 

I thought so many times my life was over, it was a disaster, I couldn’t do it. I thought so many times I needed help, and needed to get somewhere else (not where I was). I needed confidence, employment, support, money, skill development, learning.

When I believe the thought that my divorce was shattering in a permanent way, and that it’s taken me a decade to get up and running….I can still feel sad. 

And, I had The Work in my pocket the whole time. 

I wrote worksheets on the doom I was facing, the hurt, the sense of abandonment, the deflation. 

The feeling was “I’m in danger” or “I can’t make it” or “there’s something wrong with me” or “life is hard”.

But who was I without my story??

Who am I right now without my story that the thing that happened (in this case, divorce) made my financial life worse? 

Because what I notice about money-earning and giving service and trading my time and efforts for dollars, is that a completely new world was born for me out of that divorce process.

When it came to business, I started signing up for everything.

Without my story that I’ve been abandoned, my attitude became: Just Do It. 

I had an idea, an invitation, a suggestion, and I’d be off. I’d go there. I’ve taken tons of courses: how to build a website, putting a podcast together, course curriculum development, marketing, business and money, organizing your social media, how to give a presentation, creating your signature talk, writing copy, how to write a blog (Grace Notes!), more marketing. 

I’ve been in masterminds for small businesses, networking groups, and gone to NYC for media and PR training and how to communicate more directly (I know, that one may be a surprise, LOL).

What I notice now today, is a sense of less rather than more, when it comes to new information and business growth. 

Once again I get to look as I write this Grace Note and reflect on my future in business and prepare to pay taxes this year (I’m still shocked that I owe taxes): Who would I be, right now, without the belief that divorce and losing almost everything financially was horrible?

Because I notice right now, each day has brought an opportunity to sit still, to share with others, to dialogue with people about the mind and stories and questioning anything that feels painful or frightening. 

Turning it around: it was the best thing that could have happened. What?!

It opened up a profoundly new world. Learning, learning, learning. 

And now today, questioning the thought “I need to learn more, grow more, add more” without saying “no” ever.  

Who would I be without the story I need to grow, add, expand, gain, build? 

Something is narrowing in and allowing other things to fall away, slowing down and becoming more still. 

Without the belief that divorce process was “bad” and doing “more” business is required for survival and money and support and freedom….
….I’m just here.

Woman writing in a comfortable chair noticing the sun rise, noticing a willingness, even a need, to relax the drive for More and to do nothing. Feeling the pace slow down around this business. 

Sharing with you how joyful I am that we’ll be gathering for inquiry in May for 4 whole days and knowing there may be a break after that from what’s become the normal schedule (although, what’s a “normal” schedule). 

Who would I be without the belief I have to work hard, make anything happen, complete the list, implement, take action, etc, etc?

I’d be remembering I can sit still right now and feel the truth that who I believe myself to be, and the events I believe happened that were “hard” and made life “worse” shaped the direction I took in profoundly beautiful ways. 

I wouldn’t be here without the divorce, the money panic, the School for The Work, the ones who listened when they asked four questions, the betrayals, the fear, the anger, the despair, the laughter.

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound.
They cover it, those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a Teacher wave away the flies and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where
the Light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment that you’re healing yourself.” ~ Rumi

Trusting my wounds to a teacher’s surgery means for me that I sit in silence and with others and I do The Work. The teacher is inquiry. I question my anxious beliefs, the beliefs that those things that happened were terrible. I question that “I have to” (keep the same schedule, do it the same way, do more, learn more, work more). 

If you’re drawn to join me in May, I’d love to have you so we can look at our disturbances together. 

And you know one wonderful thing I know already? The people who come and the group that’s formed and the inquiry that happens will all be brilliant–the best that could happen.

Register.

Much love, Grace

The first time I ever decided I had a “problem” with my body weight, I was 14. 

The usual solution is to follow a diet and exercise program. Right?

I want to weigh less, so I’ll change the food itself and I’ll exercise more. “So simple” we say. 

It’s a math problem! 

We’ve all heard over and over how food plans and dieting and exercising in ways we find unpleasant and controlling our food doesn’t ultimately work. 
It doesn’t get us to where we truly want to be: A person who doesn’t even think about over-eating or under-eating. Someone who doesn’t have a concern or fear or rebellion about eating. 

I was once at a conference standing in the tea/coffee line with a doctor, having a lovely conversation. We had a long time, as the line was very long. 
When I mentioned that I had an eating disorder for many years, she said “oh, you’ll probably need to be vigilant about that for the rest of your life, right?”

What?!

No. 

How did I move into a much greater peace with eating, food, and weight?

I worked with the heavy weight of my emotional life. It was very heavy. 
I still experience swirling emotions, grief, heartbreak, anger, anxiety, nervousness. These are simply experiences that appear to be common, bubbling and normal for me. I’m not emotion-free. 

In fact, in the past, when the weight of my emotional life was so heavy, before turning toward my emotional experience with compassion….
….my goal was to have zero intense emotions. 

I could tell they came in and took over, and I wanted to shut it all down.
Who would we be without this story that being upset, troubled or anxious is bad or wrong? Who would we be without the story that the emotional and feeling life is torturous and must be avoided? Who would we be without the thought my feelings are frightening?

Sigh.

It may not feel comfortable, but it does feel human. For me, to be human is to feel. What I notice is….having feelings is a part of reality, whether I like them or not.

You want your body to be thinner?

Let’s turn it around: I want my thoughts about feelings to be thinner. I want emotional experience to be thinner.Just start with ONE fearful or troubling experience. You don’t have to handle all your terrors, upsets or grief at once. Begin with one, and study it, investigate it, chew on it, allow it in, allow it to be digested and to pass through you with understanding.

One of the best ways to do this? 

The Work of Byron Katie. 

Start with one difficult emotional experience where you felt betrayed, cut off, unloved or hurt, and take it through the four questions, then find turnarounds.

It may be easier to handle than you think.

It’s certainly worth the trip, because on the other side is a relaxation about having emotions without shame, and allowing them to live with compassion. 

When this happened for me, I simply didn’t feel like binge eating, or starving myself, anymore.

“Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector–mind–rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.”  ~ Byron Katie

Since the beginning of time, I was trying to change my weight and my body and my eating so I could be happy. This never worked, because it approached the problem backward. What The Work gave me is a way to change the projector–mind–rather than the projected–my body, the food. 

I thought there was a flaw on the screen–my body itself–and I tried to change it constantly. I also tried to change this feeling and that feeling, trying to change myself and all “my” flaws when they appeared.

It was futile for me to try to change the projected image–the body, the food, the diet, the vision of perfection in the future, my feelings. 

What worked instead was to clear the lens by questioning the beliefs and feeling the turnarounds with surrender, acceptance, trust. 

I always say, if I can stop having an eating disorder and really notice the obsession to think about food is no longer present, then anyone can.

Much love,

Grace