Month: August 2016

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When goodbye hurts

goodbyewave
when goodbye brings a little zing of disappointment (or a massive one)….The Work

If you’ve been considering Year of Inquiry, today’s the best day to join.

Because then, you’ll be a part of Orientation tomorrow, and the first calls next week (we start Tuesday morning, Sept 6th).

An amazing group of 22 people from all over the place–Canada, Norway, Lebanon, England, Florida and every time zone of the US.

Now, I’m not trying to be Doreen Downer….

….but some of these people may have sudden urges to quit, and they might do it.

Which is why I give people two months to be a part of it, and withdraw by November 1st if they choose.

This is the fifth time I’m offering this program, and here’s the funny thing about my own mind, when it comes to the shuffling that happens at the beginning of gathering together a group.

I finally am aware that I know nothing about who will stick around, who will plunge in and participate whole-heartedly for the entire year, who will get scared about something they’re looking at and decide….”maybe not right now, after all.”

Some people may even be ghosts for awhile, then return with renewed energy.

Some may think “that’s enough of answering questions and looking at my thinking!!!” and then come back to looking only a week later.

Everyone has their own pace, their own process, their own journey and I know and trust, it’s just right for them.

I wasn’t like this the first year initially.

OK, fine, or the second.

If someone signed up, participated for the first week or first month, then disappeared or wrote and said “I won’t be doing the program” I would have this disappointed feeling in my gut.

It was the same if I asked my daughter “Hey…do you want to go to this movie with me?” and she said “I would never want to see that movie, are you kidding?!” (She was excellent for not just a simple “no” but a really blunt you-shouldn’t-have-even-asked-me-that “no”).

Awwwww.

Dang.

I would respect their decision of course, and I’d always write “what made you decide not to continue?”

I’d cross my fingers that I’d get a really good, long answer so I could work on improving or changing or learning something about what did not work.

Which is great to get honest feedback of course (awesome, in fact)….

….but that underlying gut disappointment was not exactly thrillingly pleasant.

I knew to do The Work.

I was reminded of all this the other day when six people joined, but two withdrew before we’re even beginning the year. My focus went to the withdrawals.

One had more explanation than the other, and it made so much sense around scheduling conflicts. The other, almost no explanation.

(And there never needs to be any explanation, by the way).

But people come to me all the time to do The Work with huge anxiety and grief around someone breaking up with them, someone expressing the need for change in a relationship, and making the change.

Huge stress follows the words “I’m out” or “I’m leaving” or “it’s over”.

This person should not withdraw. They shouldn’t leave. They shouldn’t break up with me. They should stay. 

Is it true?

Wow. What a question. It seems like it’s true. All the love songs are about the disappointment of people parting ways, or not living up to what is desired. Sadness. Anger. Rage. You done me wrong! This is not good!

But is this absolutely true, that no one should ever break up with me, or say “no” to spending time with me, or “no” to a social event I’ve invited them to, or “no” to a program I’m offering?

Is it absolutely true that it’s sad, if someone does?

No.

That would, in fact, be weird if it was absolutely true. I’d be tied like a ball and chain or some strange “rule” to others, and they to me. What I notice about reality is life morphs and changes, interests move, curiosity opens doors, the future is unknown, the past is full of learning.

How could it ever be true for me that someone should “stay”? Whatever “staying” is.

How do you react when you believe someone should stick around, or not say “no”?

Upset. Worried. Anxious.

Seeing visions of EVERYONE doing it. If it starts with this one person, it will increase explonentially.

(I love how the mind does that multiplication thing about the future….let’s 10x the future vision! It’ll be MUCH WORSE!)

But who would you be without this story? What if you couldn’t even have the thought enter your mind and heart that someone shouldn’t say “no” or that people should stay put, or that no changes should ever ensue in relationships?

Amazing idea, right?

And so very exciting.

What if it was The Way of It that people come and go. Reality.

I notice we all get born, and we all die. We’re only here temporarily. Why do we wish, sometimes, for permanence? Guarantees? Certainty? It doesn’t exist.

Without the belief that it should….wow the freedom.

I trust. I let go. I notice I never leave myself, which is very exciting to notice. Something is always here.

Without the belief other people should stick around, I get to notice the thing that DOES stick around….no matter how mysterious. The thing that notices All This. Presence. Nowness. The air in the room, the chair underneath, the fingers moving to make words and express.

The wonder of “here”. This isn’t “nothingness”.

Turning the thoughts around: They should go, when they do. They should withdraw, they should leave. They should break up with me. They shouldn’t stay.

I can’t even begin to list the advantages I’ve discovered when people have left. Even if it’s that I get to do whatever I want on a Friday night with zero consultation. No more dealing with what the other person wants. No more trying to help someone else.

Nothing left to focus my attention on, outside of myself. Left with the fire of neediness or disappointment, I could do The Work.

I shouldn’t go away from myself. I shouldn’t withdraw from me. I shouldn’t leave THEM, or myself. I shouldn’t break up with them, with myself. I should stay with them (no matter where their body is). I should stay with myself.

I’ve noticed, when someone withdrew, or abandoned, or left….whatever I want to call them being gone….I would forget myself. I would not be enjoying my own company.

I should stop doing that!

I could notice what was magnificent about having this moment all to myself, to enjoy the world around me, whatever was there. Long ago when I was in the midst of divorce, I did this work and found how incredible it was to play the piano again, all by myself, and read….all weekend long. My favorite!

And I should trust and enjoy the movement of that person’s life over there. That’s how I can not leave them. I can support them doing what they need to do, with respect. I can trust the greater universe, this reality, and the friendliness of it all, and that I have NO IDEA what the future will bring.

It’s never been 10x of the worst moment ever, and everyone ditching me.

It’s been the opposite. New people come along. I am cared for and loved.

Every time.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Thanks dad, for going when you did, so many years ago. Your departure helped me stand on my own two feet, and find out I could not only survive, but thrive. And thanks for Not Leaving in my mind and heart. I talk to you almost every day. You might not be here in form, but you’re here.

 

P.P.S. Learn about these last few hours of joining Year of Inquiry before our Orientation tomorrow by visiting here.

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Eating Peace: When you feel hurt…what to do instead of eat

We all get our feelings hurt. It’s part of being human, and alive.

But the way I used to feel when someone hurt my feelings was desperate, ashamed, anxious to please, worried, and self-critical.

I’d also feel incredibly upset with the one who hurt me.

I’d feel angry with that person, or afraid, and equally as critical of them as I was of me.

I’ll never forget one time I felt horribly hurt.

It was my very first job after graduating from college. My boss was generally a kind man. He was my parent’s generation, and I saw him as an authority figure. He was the director of a college, and I was the undergraduate student advisor.

One day, he called me into his office, which was right next door.

“You need to stop talking so much with the students.”

I felt sick to my stomach. (Notice that phrase “sick to my stomach” about feeling hurt and criticized).

After work, I ate from the doorstep of my job all the way through the streets to my apartment.

I share today how you could view the ones who hurt you, and experience peace, instead of “sick to your stomach” by emotionally eating.

Peace,

Grace

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Batten down the hatches! Suffering could happen!

stormatsea
The ultimate preparation for story weather….four questions known as The Work

As September 1st rolls into clear view this week I’m immersed in preparing an Orientation for all the new Year of Inquiry participants.

September always feels like the start of something new. End of summer, beginning of more indoor time.

I grew up going to school every single September of my whole childhood, and young adulthood.

It gets in your bones. A conditioned feeling of preparing. Movement into growing darkness. Movement into the internal life. More quiet, scholarly work. Get the harvest in, hibernation is coming.

Winter on the distant horizon.

Batten down the hatches!

People in my family said “batten down the hatches” like so many historical shipping phrases, even though no one worked at sea or was a part of sea life for generations.

The hatches are the openings to the sky. The crew covered them tightly with wooden “battens” and canvas when a storm was coming. Preparing for rough seas ahead.

Which is a bit dramatic, perhaps, about the movement into autumn, here in the northern hemisphere where I live.

And yet, I used to truly feel this way internally about silence, darkness, quiet, emptiness, space.

Going within meant remembering. It meant Alone. Lonely. Sad. Despairing. Lost. Afraid. Untethered.

I almost wasn’t aware I had this dread, either.

Until I sat down to meditate, or had too open a schedule without a to-do list.

Then, when I was alone and silent, instead of “peace and quiet” it felt like the volume went UP on anxiety, sadness, grief.

I’d want to see a movie, read a good book or “accomplish” something….or in the past: eat, drink, smoke, physically move (exercise), listen to self-improvement audios.

So yesterday, I guess it was no surprise really at the end of summer on an overcast day with tiny raindrops….

….Gosh. It seems like a really good day to start cleaning out the shed, organizing things to take to the dump, make a stack of For Sale items and Giveaways. Put on gloves and haul, stack, throw away, go through 15 year old files. Watch videos briefly on how to move the shed once it’s emptied.

Get ready.

I was alone and doing this almost all day. Phone in the house, computer lying idle. Physical movement, thoughts dancing through.

It does feel good to “do” a job. It still often feels initially better than sitting in silence and stillness.

At least, according to my mind, which comes up with all kinds of reasons why moving slower and sitting quietly is bad.

In quiet sitting, I might feel worried, troubled, afraid, or bored.

Which is probably why I love The Work so very much.

There’s something to “do” with all those thoughts, with that thinking energy. With the feelings of wanting to “batten down the hatches.”

The Work asks, like a little innocent kid…..

….Hey you! Over there! Yes, you! The one running so fast and so busy and working so hard and “doing” lots of stuff!? YOU! 

What are you doing over there, preparing for a big storm? What storm do you think is coming? Why do you think so? Where did you ever get that idea? What are you so worried about?

I love that The Work invites you to actually look at the storm, rather than simply assume it’s coming.

The Work asks “is it true?”

You get to sit in meditation and wonder about your answer, and maybe not answer quite so fast.

And instead of being aware of a huge storm, you can look at one rain squall at a time, and look with a clear pair of safety glasses at that one situation only. That one conversation, that one upset, that one argument, that one moment with that person who scared you, tormented you, disappointed you.

Last night, after my satisfying day of doing (especially according to the one who likes to see accomplishments)….

…..I sat quietly and pondered the Year of Inquiry group, everyone about to start inquiring together on our journeys within.

One person had withdrawn during the day via email, and another one joined.

I updated my list.

I then closed my eyes and held still, feeling the deep appreciation for this moment exactly as it is, without a single need to improve, or take away, or fix, or add, or change anything.

Feeling so grateful for all those preparing to join me, with a joy that inquiry will be in our pockets as a special tool for the entire fall, winter, spring, and then in Summer Camp for The Mind (always included for Year of Inquiry friends).

I love that if I feel upset, whether a drop or a huge brewing storm or a downpour of upset….

….I have four questions, and finding turnarounds.

And I have people to do it with once, twice or three times a week….

….for all the months ahead, through holidays and travels and cold weather and political change and relationship worries and the movement of life.

Even if you’re not doing something as big of a commitment as Year of Inquiry, there are ways to “do” The Work and get it done, as Byron Katie says.

Call the Helpline, get a fabulous partner to connect with regularly. Set time aside to sit and write out your work, if you’re able and willing.

If you’re thinking of joining Year of Inquiry, I’m creating an Orientation presentation that’s brand new (first time I’ve done it).

This Orientation will help people know exactly how to dial in no matter where they live, access the recordings of our calls, prepare for partnering (which is optional), share on our private forum, and enter their own inner world with the best “batten” I could ever imagine having….

….The Work.

The Work is a ‘batten’ to “batten down the hatches” of overwhelming, wild, freaked out, grief-riddled storms.

The Work addresses all the storms experienced in the PAST, the ones I already lived through that made such lasting impressions on me.

And low and behold, when these become less frightening, less dark, light spring rains, or even the sunniest weather I could ever have imagined with crystal clear blue skies….

….then there’s no fear of the future, or winter, anymore.

“The Work is merely four questions; it’s not even a thing. It has no motive, no strings. It’s nothing without your answers. These four questions will join any program you’ve got and enhance it. Any religion you have–they’ll enhance it. If you have no religion, they will bring you joy. And they’ll burn up anything that isn’t true for you. They’ll burn through to the reality that has always been waiting.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is.

If you’re ready for companionship and joining fellow inquirers to help you stay in The Work and “get it done” then come join us in a Year of Inquiry. Three time zones allow you to connect at least once a week, for 3 weeks every month. You’ll then choose if you’d like to be paired with someone in the group (highly recommended) for a month at a time, getting the support of others and sharing in such a deep way, people make life-long friends.

When I left the School for The Work in 2005, I noticed I just did not do The Work that often.

It didn’t fit into the category of “doing”. It was more like sitting still in silence, meditating. Good for me like eating raw broccoli perhaps, but I couldn’t see the immediate results, and it was a little nerve-wracking and awkward all by myself, and felt “hard”.

I would have signed up for a Year of Inquiry in a heartbeat. It’s half the fee of the school itself, and offers structure to stay in The Work for an entire year.

And this year, we’ll be doing a monthly intro session to our topic to do Q & A, share best practices of The Work, hear quotes from Loving What Is, and the retreats (for those who choose to attend) are now 4 days long instead of 3.

Everyone in YOI has access to my phone to text, or my email to write, in case of “emergency” if you go into stormy weather. I am here for all members of YOI when you need it, along with the official solo session everyone gets during the year for some in-depth work (people doing the full YOI including retreats receive at least two solo sessions).

I consider everyone who joins YOI to be my personal teachers, those who are like my fellow students of life. You bring me inquiry in a way I would never do it if left to my own.

If left to my own devices, I’d be cleaning out sheds and battening down hatches with wood and canvas, not four questions.

If left to my own devices, the storms would always be on their way, looming in the distance because I never remembered to ask the question….

….is it true?

“Anger, fear, sadness, discomfort, pain–they should not be allowed in….I believe they are dangerous to my well-being. And so I spend my life running away from them….Much of our suffering comes from deeply unaccepted feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, weakness, insecurity, and uncertainty in the face of this moment.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

Put down the hammer, nails, canvas, battens, and visions of dark clouds in the future (or past).

We’ve got some work to do. Called….answering four questions.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Learn about Year of Inquiry here.

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My latest Peace Talk: the first time I did The Work (it made me sick)

sickdog
Listen to Peace Talk to hear my first time doing The Work, and feeling sick as a dog

Two people wrote to me yesterday and asked if they could get the masterclass replay Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Since I got asked twice, out it goes. Replay is now enabled.

To watch and listen to the MasterClass replay, click here. No opting-in. It’s yours, in service. This link will work until September 5th. This is the day before we start Year of Inquiry which I mention at the end of the masterclass–so it will be outdated after YOI begins.
So, if you want to look at it this weekend, or next long weekend in the United States, feel free.
Then it will go into review, revamp, update mode, or potentially be built into a longer series since there was just so much material to cover in two hours (yes, I know–two hours is a long time….so maybe listening to a part, then coming back later is the perfect way for you).

So speaking of those barriers (will she ever stop?) I was thinking about the Big Kahuna Number One Barrier again yesterday.

Which is doing The Work of Byron Katie on yourself. Not other people or things outside of you in your life. Just wanting to do it on YOU.
Now….here’s the funny thing.
I suddenly remembered that the very first time I did The Work ever in public was when Byron Katie came to my city and offered a weekend-long workshop. There were hundreds of people there.
And guess what I did The Work on?

Um. Yes. (After all this talk of not doing The Work on yourself).

Me.

That’s exactly who I filled out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on, even though we were invited to NOT fill it out on ourselves and instead consider someone else we might not have forgiven yet.

Me.

But here’s what I remember happened that amazing and horribly difficult weekend. I realized something profoundly important, even though I was “working” on myself.

That I might not be the awful monster I thought I was.

It was a huge beginning to an incredible journey of waking up out of a zombie trance of self-criticism.

So, can I really know it’s difficult or wrong, or even a barrier, to do The Work on oneself?

No.

If you’re one of the people who feels deeply compelled to question thoughts that bring you suffering about yourself, you might enjoy this latest Peace Talk Episode 120.

Even though I spoke on Peace Talk last time about doing The Work on yourself and what to do instead, or how to take it a bit deeper, in this episode I share what happened when I did The Work on myself, anyway.

During that first dreadful weekend workshop, I hardly spoke, I gave no one any eye contact, I never raised my hand (wouldn’t have dreamt of it), felt physically like death warmed over, hated what I wrote on that worksheet…..

…..but something shifted inside of me that was the beginning of the end of the pain…..

…..even though my worksheet appeared to be all about me. 

So even though I’ve gone on and on about Barrier #1 to deepening The Work being the way we want to do it on ourselves at first…..

…..there’s nowhere you can’t go with The Work and nothing that will prevent you from freedom, if you answer the questions.

(Peace Talk is also on IHeart Radio and Stitcher by the way, and it helps spread the word so much when you leave a review or subscribe).

“Thinking that people are supposed to do or be anything other than what they are is like saying that the tree over there should be the sky. I investigated that and found freedom.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

This goes for ourselves, too. Thinking WE are supposed to do or be anything other than what we are is like saying something cray cray.

Investigate it.

Much love,

Grace

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The universe has got this

Work With Grace
“I got this” says the Universe.

One of my best friends, several years ago, left me a voicemail.

She was in a waiting room before going to the chiropractor, looking at a magazine.

She opened it to an article that read “the three sexiest words a man can ever say to a woman….”

I waited with baited breath.

What are the words?

Tell me!

“I Got This.”

I took this in.

Almost immediately, within less than two seconds, I had a picture in my mind of someone like James Bond, or Jason Bourne, or Dwayne Johnson standing next to me and saying it.

“Dang….that’s true,” I thought, seeing the image.

And guess where some voice in my mind went next?

“I’ve never heard this before! I’m missing out! I need to hear this!”

My husband isn’t superman, my previous boyfriends weren’t wealthy movie stars….where is the I-Got-This sexy man?!?!

Instant imagination coming to life, noticing what’s missing.

Isn’t this funny?

And sometimes, not so funny when you feel really sure you’re missing out in a relationship.

I work with people all the time on this kind of belief when it comes to partnership, romance, love, attraction.

They’re missing something. There’s a greener pasture somewhere else (where a man is saying the sexiest three words, for example). Their true mate isn’t here. They’re lonely.

Oh, and on top of this, they should love being by themselves, rather than wanting a partner.

You can’t win!

But let’s look, with inquiry.

There’s an amazing 3-word-speaking perfect partner out there, and I need him.

Is that true?

LOL. No.

But don’t find your answer too fast….really contemplate and answer the question. Take your time.

How do you react when you believe you need that imaginary partner who’s out there somewhere?

Frustrated. Comparing my current partner with the ideal version (which doesn’t exist, I notice, except in the movies or my imagination). Dreaming of what life would be like if a man said “I got this” and handled an entire stressful situation….like all the money, all the household broken items, building stuff, working on the car, making big business deals, keeping out bad guys, identifying con men, managing the territory.

I know, I know. This is a super hetero-disney version of conditioning about men.

You find your own ideal mate, though, whatever this person looks or acts like. They are brilliant, affirming, supportive, sexy, awesome. Your ideal. Over there.

Not here.

So who would you be without this story?

Who would you be without the belief you want the guy who says those three words!

Who would you be without the thought your perfect mate is not around, and you need them to be. You need to be “in” a partnership, and it’s not the one you’re in?

This does NOT mean you SHOULD stay with the partner you’re already with. It doesn’t ever mean that. It also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue an interesting partner. If it’s fun, then how fabulous is that?

This work is about identifying the pieces that are stressful, the beliefs you feel enraged about, or like you’re a victim and it’s not fair and you never get the good stuff.

Who would you be without this story?

Free to come and go, choose and not choose, love and be loved, move over there, return back here, be delighted with, laugh, enjoy, play, celebrate, do things with and then without, feel thrilled with your own company.

Nothing missing.

Everything moving, unfolding, morphing, changing.

Turning the thought around….

I am NOT missing out. I am hearing, feeling, noticing “I Got This!” constantly.

It’s called the Universe/Source/Reality/Love/Life.

Reality, the universe, has got this.

Oh. Right.

People come and go, but reality ALWAYS has this. Can I see and feel the support of the entire world, without feeling like anything is missing? Without pining for what is not? Without thinking what IS here is not enough?

Wow.

Another turnaround: I’ve got this. Me. I am the great supporter and lover of myself. My own amazing super-hero partnership of this apparently individual person here in this life, now. I am connected to all that is, and a part of it, and it’s all handled.

Nothing I can do about it.

“Everything is set up here for your freedom. Everything is here to serve self-realization. When you need a partner, if you need a partner, you’ll have one. And for now, you have a partner. (Pointing to her own head). You can’t get away from this (mind). We don’t have people-partners….we have this (mind)…..

….Once we know what love is in ourselves, it’s immovable. ‘I love’. It’s yours. Who is one loving? You are. When someone says ‘i love you Katie’ I am so happy for them.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie Retreat

You are the one you’ve been waiting for, silence is the one you’ve been waiting for, life is the one you’ve been waiting for. No waiting required.

Now.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. The sixth month in Year of Inquiry is about romantic love. No matter when it’s happened, no matter what you’ve experienced, anything left un-finished or un-resolved. It’s such a big topic, right? That’s why we spend a month on it. Registration closes August 31st at midnight for doing the work for an entire year with a small group. We’re finding out how the universe…..has got this.

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When you un-do your need to know….an Overwhelming YES to life

footprintsonsand
When you have no idea where this is going….notice the YES of this present moment.

I’m going to be on Facebook Live today at 1:00 pm Pacific Time. Let’s try out the new technology! If you’re free, head to my facebook page and let’s see how it works. The link is here. I know, this is in only 45 mins, but it’s an experiment.

I’ll talk about self-inquiry and barriers to it (which seems to be my specialty, I speak from personal experience, LOL). Since this is my first venture into Facebook Live, I’m not sure how long, or IF, it will work smoothly, so let’s test it.

It’s actually amazing how much we humans live our lives trying an “experiment”.

We move from one place to a new place, we have kids, we get new jobs, we develop new friendships, we have conversations, we get together with people, we part ways.

In some ways, everything is a great and grand experiment, totally unknown how this will turn out.

So here’s the funny thing about the mind, and mental “thinking” that we’re all so aware of.

It moves into considering the past…..and then the future….

….constantly.

When I deeply consider the energy of “thought” it appears to involve pictures, images, imagination, creativity, ideas, review of the past, contemplation, wondering, stories, remembering.

Without any actual clear, straightforward conclusion.

Who would we be without our thoughts?

This is Question #4 in The Work of Byron Katie, and also a question raised in many spiritual and contemplative traditions. An awareness and a wondering of what we are, who we are, without our ideas about right/wrong, good/bad, terrible/wonderful.

I love how with The Work, you get to ask this question on only one simple situation at a time. A bite-sized chunk.

Who would you be without your stressful belief or image or conclusion in that ONE situation you feel scared, angry, nervous or sad about?

Who would you be without the belief you’d prefer to KNOW what’s going to happen rather than engage in an experiment?

Do you really want to know exactly what’s going to happen later today, or tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or two years from now, or in twenty years, or in seventy years when you’re likely no longer here anymore in a body?

“I need to know what will happen.”

(You can find a specific subject or situation to ask this question about, no matter how big or small, in your own life.)

Is it true?

No.

I really have no idea, and I can see how knowing might be weird, and too much, and not for me.

How do I react when I believe I need to know what’s going to happen, or that something will have a good outcome?

Anxious, seeing pictures of the Opposite of good outcome. I see terrible results, bad outcomes, big disasters, fearful scenes. My story is a worried one.

Who would you be without the thought you need to know how this is going to turn out, you need to know what will happen?

WooWee!

Right here, very present.

Excited to see how this unfolds.

Willing to allow it to be as it is, not crunch down tightly against it and get all freaked out.

Feeling the lightness of “I Don’t Know”.

Turning this thought around: I do NOT need to know what will happen.

Truer.

There are so many things better left unknown. Then I get to do only what appears to be required in the moment. Maybe it’s nothing. I move as I do. This is not me running the show. I am just here. I am not waiting.

Turning it around another way, ever so slightly different: I need to NOT know what will happen. It’s actually better that I don’t know. That leaves things to occur at a pace that’s impersonal, not all about me. It gives me the gift of coming back to this moment. Very open.

Less is required than I ever imagined (when using my mind). Instead of knowing, I need to NOT know. That’s hilarious. But has a huge sense of ease and sweetness.

Another turnaround: What will happen needs to know me.

Now, isn’t that just the most cosmic, fun, loving thing you ever heard?

The universe….what will happen….life, love, the world, everything….is so excited to know me.

It’s waiting for me, in every brilliant moment. It needs to know me, to understand, to be with, to connect with, to love me.

The ultimate “nothing is required” story. The universe and reality are here to know me. I don’t have to work hard at it, I don’t have to go out and find it in the bushes somewhere, like it’s lost in a mysterious field.

It’s coming to me.

In every moment.

Can you feel it?

“To face the totality of life we must face the reality of death, sorrow, and loss as well. We must face them as unavoidable aspects of life. The question is, can we face them directly without getting lost in the stories that our mind weaves about them? That is, can we directly encounter this tragic quality of life on its own terms? Because if we can, we will find a tremendous affirmation of life, an affirmation that is forged in the fierce embrace of tragedy. At the very heart and core of our being, there exists an overwhelming yes to existence. ” ~ Adyashanti

Can you find the “yes” in this moment of existence right now? Who would you be without your story of needing to know anything?

Much love,

Grace

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Reading someone close your worksheet on THEM (gasp!)

honest
it may seem frightening….but telling the truth is easier.  Judge Your Neighbor, write it down, ask 4 questions, turn it around.

Best. People. Ever. Signing up for Year of Inquiry.

Yesterday, I spoke with someone asking about the partnering thing I mention we do. As in….you have a choice of zero partnering,casual partnering, or immersion partnering.

And what, pray tell, is “immersion partnering”?

This is what the inquirer wanted to know.

First of all, just in case you don’t know…..”partnering” means you are paired with someone else in Year of Inquiry (by moi) and you connect with that person to trade facilitation in The Work.

Actually, you can partner in The Work with anyone, any time. I worked with one lovely woman for 2 years, weekly, both of us facilitating one another through worksheet after worksheet, discovery upon discovery. It was a brilliant sharing of our lives, honestly, together.

One person facilitates, one person does The Work, then you switch roles.

I always have people connect for partnering in my programs, because you get to know each other so very, very well that way. You learn about your own process, you find acceptance for yourself as you reveal your judgments or hear someone else’s. It’s an awesome experience.

Except.

When what you’re hearing hurts, or feels scary. Or the person starts to bug you.

A flash back.

One of my sisters has attended the School for The Work. It’s why I went a few months later, after she reported such immense learning, and came back smiling from ear to ear.

But I don’t feel so close to her, even though we are two School graduates.

We had a major upset about ten years earlier, when I went to visit her across country (to the east coast) with my newborn baby and my then-husband.

Things didn’t go so well back then for that trip. We had a fantastic greeting on day one, enjoyable day two, but then something started going awry on day three, day four. I was irritable, couldn’t sleep well with a nursing baby. My sister had plans for us and I felt like it was impossible to keep to the schedule. My husband was uncomfortable on the futon. Disappointment. Fatigue. Not talking it through. Tension.

My then-husband, me and our baby caught a plane home early.

The whole relationship felt different. What was once super close, now felt immensely distant.

We didn’t speak for a long time. I avoided it. I felt awful. I felt tense. I was sad but didn’t know how to bring up the “problem” which got older and older as time passed.

Then we both within months, as I said, attended the School for The Work.

Ring, ring, ring.

“Hello?”

“It’s your sister. I’m wondering if we can break through what’s been going on for ten years between us, and talk about it.”

Hearts beating. This is scary. Intimacy.

“Agreed”.

We made arrangements to get together in person, for four hours,(I’m pretty sure I said I thought two would be fine) and write worksheets on each other that we would read out loud, and the other one would then facilitate.

Wow.

I thought about the upcoming meeting with nervousness and hope for days before it happened. I felt excited, and terrified. And I knew it was a good thing, at the deepest level.

Before my sister came over to my house, I wrote about three worksheets, noticing my urge to edit what I put there. I wasn’t so great at the time at staying in one situation. I included moments from childhood, I skipped to the time of the terrible visit (ten years in the past now). I chose not to swear, I felt too frightened anyway. I felt a weird mixture of wanting to be completely honest, but wanting to not go overboard or freak out or be enraged. No way.

Despite the carefulness, there was truth on that worksheet. Honest pain and hurt, and saying so.

Her worksheet on me was honest, too.

To get through this wild ride of exposing our inner thoughts about the other, we copied what we had seen Byron Katie do with people when they do The Work on each other up on stage. One person reads their worksheet, looks up, says “I am ____ with YOU, because _____”. The reader gets eye contact. The listener says “thank you.”

Yep. We did that.

I said “thank you” to my younger sister who said something on her worksheet like “I’m angry with you because you got the best of everything, first. I’m angry with you for being so mean to me when I was a kid. I’m angry with you for being so immature about communicating honestly”.

I don’t remember what she said, exactly, but it stung. And it was true….that’s what I remember.

She was right.

We spent four hours facilitating each other, back and forth. It was one of the most intimate, frightening, wonderful, painful experiences I’ve ever had.

Now that’s some serious partnering.

Immersion partnering, has a few tones that are similar.

The people electing to partner with this kind of depth get to capture their judgments about the facilitation and partnering process they’ve just experienced, on paper.

This can be any petty judgments about being asked questions or the way the process unfolded, or the cadence of someone’s voice as they facilitate. These are the kinds of things we grow up being told to NEVER under ANY circumstance say out loud. The little criticisms saying “I don’t like this”.

Since the two partners are usually not family members or close friends (before Year Of Inquiry that is….after YOI they sure might be)….the concepts captured on a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet may seem much less intense than the ones I wrote about my sister, or she wrote about me.

And yet….the same concerns exist between people who don’t know each other well as for people who know and love each other very deeply.

Can I speak what’s true, and not be cut off from love? Can I be honest and safe?

I’m here to say…..yes.

In fact, speaking what’s true for you, even when you’re terrified, can bring you closer to love, and safer than you ever imagined. That’s the funny part.

It can bring you closer to yourself.

No one in Year of Inquiry has to do this immersion level partnering, and anyone can opt-out any time, for periods when they’re away, or need a break, or have lots happening in their lives.

People are free to opt for Zero Partnering. This works, too. You simply want to be facilitated, and find your own answers, and pairing up with others is a bit much for now–you have some deep work to do.

Casual level partnering is the kind I did over two years with the amazing woman I connected with weekly. You bring your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet to the session, you choose how long you’re meeting, and you each get a turn facilitating and being facilitated on a difficult situation in your life. You can do this once a month, or four times a month, it doesn’t matter.

What I like about the people in Year of Inquiry is they test out the waters and try on what’s right for themselves, and they are in all walks of life and all places of experience with The Work.

We’re supporting and moving in this journey together, questioning the stressed out mind and the perspective that sees the water glass as half empty, rather than half full.

No “right” or “wrong” with how we’re doing it. Ever.

And you know what?

I am sooooo very close to that same sister I did The Work with. It’s absolutely awesome. I can trust her to be honest. There’s no wondering what she’s thinking. She shows up. I admire her so much. I feel happy in her presence.

There are still 8 days until Orientation for Year of Inquiry on September 1st. Three more spots make the ideal full YOI. Is one of them yours?

“We’re all children when we believe unquestioned, nursery-school thoughts. ‘He doesn’t like me.’ ‘He’s a bad person.’ ‘It’s not fair.’ ‘I need to be punished.’ ‘ I’ll cry to get what I want.’ ‘I’m a victim.’ ‘You are my problem.’….Have you graduated yet?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Year of Inquiry: a profound commitment

“Doing YOI, I have found it much easier to do the work with other people. I’ve done it enough that it is just in me so I think about it a lot throughout my day. However, that is vastly different than consciously setting a time to do the work. I found this to be more solidifying of the work within me than I realized it would be. It was as though I was out of practice and this got me back into it in a big way. Perhaps something like an athlete that has been out of practice for a while then gets back into it. The strongest part was the action of me making a commitment to do this for an entire year. There was something very profound in that. Having the fellowship of everybody else was very strong for me as well….Much love to you.” (YOI participant 2014) 

Much love, Grace

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The Do-Do of believing in requirements

docknight
Remembering….nothing is required.

Last night, I was leafing through my well-worn book Loving What Is.

I was thinking about time and how I needed more of it.

How I want to hike Mt. Dickerman before the summer is over, connect for meals or walks with some important friends, clean out the shed, finish the doggone book proposal that’s been on the back burner for two years, create the first webinar for the new Year of Inquiry peeps, go on a date with my husband, add a little more time to meditation silence each day….

….and once again I wondered what it would be like if I really remembered every moment that there is nothing truly required. No place I’ll get to that’s “it” after I do all these things.

No way I can exert pressure or force change on my environment, the people I’ve known, the situations I’ve encountered that I find troubling, frightening, sad, or necessary and feel peace.

There is no way I can do everything my mind pictures or suggests to me. No way I can see every place I learn about, or read every book, or get it all done.

There is no way I can avoid heartbreak, or difficult things happening….like disappointment, or death.

A voice dimly shouted “Get to work!” like I should start the list, or start something, anything. It was an unusual day, after all….nothing on the calendar at a set time. Many things could be done, but nothing required for happiness.

Nothing required for happiness.

What a strange concept, right?

I’ve been so conditioned, it seems, to figure out (I love the way the words “figure out” are so mentally oriented) where this life ought to go, for it to be the greatest show on earth….

….or at least a really good one….

….and I’ve been told Nothing Will Happen Unless I Make It Happen.

I’ve got proof of those people who didn’t do anything, and tanked.

No success, no service to others, nothing noble, no enlightenment before they died, no major impact on the human race, no invention that stops global warming, no big accomplishment, no wild adventure that could be made into a Hollywood movie.

Sigh.

(This one again, Grace? Come on. How many times do you have to inquire about…..)

Deep breath.

I have to make stuff happen. This moment, not enough is happening. I need to make MORE happen.

Is it true?

Suddenly, remembering what a funny thought that one is, that I have to be the get-it-done person, or else (terrible images).

I mean, this just isn’t true.

There’s a problem in this moment….not true.

Not even close.

I know what I’m like WITH the thought there’s a problem, and I need to make stuff happen so I’m better off or more successful later on.

I’m tight, snappish. I don’t stop working on these things I think are valuable, that help the effort to get somewhere very important.

My daughter interrupts and I say with some sharpness “not now, wait five minutes”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that….but really? Is this such an emergency and so important I can’t answer her question, and cook some dinner with her?

Who would I be without this story?

Noticing how much fun I have in movement, and in slowness. It moves back and forth, flowing strong, then soft.

It doesn’t have to be turned on, turned up, going 100 mph all day without stopping to be called “successful”.

Without the belief it’s required to make stuff happen, I might sit on the front porch and talk with an old friend on skype for awhile, then go on a bike ride.

I might reflect on how I’ve heard that the man Siddhartha, who became known as Buddha, fried so very hard to find wisdom that he practically killed himself with aesthetic spiritual practice for years.

Even WITH the thought….I may notice I don’t tackle the list, and instead, I still bike ride.

Who is this “I” that’s noticing the Task Master anyway? Or the Lazy Do Nothing-er? Or the images of what will happen if (Do or Not Do)?

Without the belief that I must “do” I notice I actually DO do.

That is, I enjoy doing some things. I adore writing. I love to read. I like talking closely with a friend one-on-one. I like exchanging emails with people asking about space in Year of Inquiry. New ideas float through. I schedule my first “livestream” for Thursday at 1 pm without really knowing what it is or what I’ll say or if it will work.

I notice the Way of It is someone loving writing, getting up and drinking some water, asking my husband a question about his day, hearing silence, eating a juicy nectarine, watching Mooji on youtube, or leafing through Loving What Is.

Remembering happens, that this is it, nothing more, no later future like tomorrow. THIS.

Loving What Is, page 53.

Katie: If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I’m insane.

Inquirer: I see. So….we cause our own problems?

Katie: Yes, but only all of them. It’s just been a misunderstanding. Your misunderstanding. Not theirs. Not ever, not even a little. Your happiness is your responsibility. This is very good news. 

Maybe this also includes when I think my mind is causing problems, or money is causing problems, or the body is causing problems, or the mosquito bite itch is causing problems.

It’s all a misunderstanding. My happiness is my responsibility.

Now.

This is very good news. Very, very good news.

The best news I could ever imagine in the world. That without believing my stressful thoughts (or any thoughts) are true in this moment….

….I’m not only sane. I’m happy.

Thank you, Four Questions.

And if that’s a big jump to take, start on the first “problem”. Get with others and do The Work. Take a telecourse, call the Help Line, find a partner, answer the questions, attend a meetup for The Work, joinYear of Inquiry.

Get it in your bones and see what happens when you let go of “doing” and simply question what hurts, instead.

Much love,

Grace

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Why do The Work? (+ early bird YOI closes tonight at midnight PT)

h-c-YOI2016

I am beyond-excited about the new participants who have registered for Year of Inquiry 2016-2017.

I feel so touched that people raise their hand for such a long commitment….an entire year.

One of the biggest considerations people have is wondering if this process of doing The Work steadily will “work”.

It’s kind of a funny question to answer.

Because, if you know anything about this brilliant process called The Work of Byron Katie, you know it’s powerful, deep, simple and liberating….and there are no guarantees.

When someone asks me if I think doing The Work will work, whether they’re thinking about Year of Inquiry or any other program involving self-inquiry, I actually want to find out more and ask them questions.

What do you need it to “work” for?

What are you having troubles with? What do you object to about your life? What else have you tried? How will you know if it’s worked? How will you know if it hasn’t worked?

What I’ve noticed about my own life, is when I have Great Expectations for something and really feel a deep conviction that something MUST WORK, I’ve got a bit of fear.

Or a lot of it.

I remember this was my feeling the first time I called a therapist, and scheduled an appointment. Ok, Ok, my mom called the therapist. But I felt utterly desperate. I so wanted to understand myself, to heal my crazed eating patterns, to quell my anxiety, to see if I could relax and find hope about my world.

This was also my feeling….fear, desperation….when I first attended a Twelve Step Meeting for people suffering from addictive drinking, although I was there because of my eating (they didn’t have an Overeaters Anonymous in the place I was temporarily living at the time, but they did have AA and someone said to go anyway).

It seemed like extreme suffering, secrecy, pain and shame drove me to seek help.

Those two processes–therapy and 12 Steps–changed everything for me. It was like some lights got turned on in a very dark room. I found support, care, love and new ways of sharing I never imagined possible.

I started connecting with the world more more, rather than being such a reclusive scaredy cat, especially amount my emotional life.

Fast forward to about twenty years later.

I’ve graduated with a master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science because I’m just so dang fascinated with the human mind, human actions, human thought.

I’ve gotten married, stayed at one job for several years, bought a house, made friends, had two beautiful children (home births), taken writing classes, and no longer ate my head off when I was upset.

I was clearly not desperate and terrified anymore.

Not like that other dreadful way, that felt like I was small, lost, suicidal and frightened in a big enormous and strange world.

And yet….

….I had a kind of feeling of deep angst within, if I really thought about it, when it came to my true spirit.

I still had a constant question inside. I still felt uncertain, troubled and like life was one big fat question mark–and I didn’t like it.

What is life for? Is this happiness? If you stop feeling broken, is that all there is? What about deep peace? What is this place (earth)? Why am I here? Why was I so screwed up in my twenties? Can I make sure my kids don’t suffer as much as I did? What is God? What is faith? Did I make a mistake? What would I have faith “in” if I had it? Did I do enough today? Why do terrible things happen? Why don’t I like that person?

How can I understand All This?

Because I didn’t really feel like all there was to life was getting over feeling mentally ill (eating disorder, depression, anxiety) and being “normal”, whatever that was.

Right?

Over the years I read volumes of books on spirituality, religion, peace and self-improvement or personal development. I went to est. After my master’s degree, I spent another $15K on a one year Life Coach training program. I bought all the books on “success”. I watched the movie the Secret.

Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those—they were all great, actually.

But then, I came across the book “Loving What Is”.

I was sooooo intrigued.

There was no cheerleading, no positive affirmations, no creating plans, no training for a future, more successful moment later on.

It was about this moment, here, now. No matter what was happening in it.

And what I thought of it.

No guru, no teacher, no key, no special religion, no right answer needed.

Only the time to consider and contemplate, to wonder about my thinking, to meditate on situations I thought of as horrible….

….and take them through four questions, and then find turnarounds, just as an experiment, not as anything I “should” do or “better” do, or else.

The invitation was peace.

True peace was something I still dearly wanted.

And it’s been an amazing journey. (Not over yet, I notice).

What I love about The Work is best described at the very beginning of the book Loving What Is:

“The deeper you go into The Work, the more powerful you realize it is. People who have been practicing inquiry for a while often say, ‘The Work is no longer something I do. It is doing me.’ They describe how, without any conscious intention, the mind notices each stressful thought and undoes it before it can cause any suffering. Their internal argument with reality has disappeared, and they find that what remains is love—love for themselves, for other people, and for whatever life brings. The title of this book describes their experience: Loving what is becomes as easy and natural as breathing.” ~ Stephen Mitchell, husband to Byron Katie, Introduction to Loving What Is

After reading Loving What Is, it took me awhile to really “do” The Work. I didn’t have patience for it one minute when I tried it on my own.

I also developed a raging inexplicable fever the first time I went to see Byron Katie. (I was trying The Work on one thing I was most ashamed about in my entire life–an abortion. Next time remind me to start out a little slower).

I went to the School for The Work and had insight after insight popping in my mind, so stunned I didn’t sleep more than four hours a night for 9 months.

You mean, all my suffering could be altered, my experience of life completely changed, by identifying my painful thinking and asking if it was really true? Seriously?!

WOW.

But I still wouldn’t sit down and DO The Work all by myself.

Then someone touched my arm at a Byron Katie event and said “can I hire you as a facilitator?”

Oh. Hire me. Um. Well. Hire me?

Yes.

She worked with me for three years straight. A brilliant inquirer.

Or should I say….I worked with her for three years straight.

Because that’s what every person who shows up to work with me is. Someone to do The Work with. My work. My teacher, my family, my guide, my coach, my friend, my colleague, my companion.

They are a part of my world….and this world has become absolutely brilliant.

Now, THAT, is a story worth keeping.

As people in The Work for awhile joke, “This is my (new) story, and I’m stickin’ to it!”

We really have no idea where this story is going.

But it’ll probably be better than anything we could have ever imagined.

Considering that, all hatred driven hence, 

The [mind] recovers radical innocence
And learns at last that it is self-delighting,
Self-appeasing, self-affrighting,
And that its own sweet will is Heaven’s will.

~ William Butler Yeats(printed in Loving What Is, by Byron Katie)

If you find yourself drawn, and yet you do not “do” The Work as deeply as you’d like whether on your own or with others, then maybe Year of Inquiry is for you. We start September 1st with Orientation, and September 8th is our very first call.

It’s for those who love self-inquiry, have seen the joy it brings, and who need to connect with others to keep it alive and shining.

For people like me.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. For those who have questions (I’ve received a bunch) on what are the fees and how did I come to them, the logistics, and what exactly is included in YOI….you can visit the YOI web page, but here’s the short version:

In a nutshell….with a business expert a few years ago, I wrote down every program I’ve ever done myself, or heard directly about, focusing on personal transformation and understanding thoughts, feelings, and peaceful human behavior, and came in under most.

  • Individual therapy $740 per month/ $8800 per year.
  • Group therapy $450 per month/ $5400 per year.
  • Life Coach training  $8,000-$15,000 per year.
  • School for The Work $5500 for 9 days.
  • The Forum $550 for one weekend (plus many more courses).
  • Context Trainings $595 weekend (plus advanced courses).
  • Meditation retreat with favorite teacher $525 (5 days).
  • Geneen Roth Women, Food and God Retreat $1845 (6 days).

The normal YOI full program fee is $3200 including everything and $2275 for All-But-Retreats YOI for a 12 month program, a private group through June, then Summer Camp for The Mind 5 days a week.

This crazy early-bird helps me prepare and get the group together before we even start. It’s $2700 for full YOI and $1900 for All-But-Retreats.

Refund: Anyone can withdraw before November 1st, 2016 for a full refund minus only $100 per month (September and/or October). Take 60 days to feel it out and decide. You’ll be treated from the start like a part of the team, but if it’s not for you, no questions asked.

Schedule: We meet on teleconference call, password protected, using skype, webcall, or simple phone. Tuesday 8:30, Weds 2:00 pm, Thurs 5:30 pm PT. All 90 minutes. Come to one, or all, of the telecalls. These meet 3 weeks of every month.

Once a month at the beginning of the month, we’ll have an intro webinar on that topic, and you’ll be guided through the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. It will be recorded.

Everyone gets access to YOI via Slack, a really cool custom private online forum you can put on your phone and your computer. We stay connected together all year.

Partner Work: Everyone gets to Casual Partner or Training Partner as followed in Institute for The Work 1-4-1 partnering. You choose.

Two retreats Seattle: October 13-16, 2016 and May 2017

To learn all the greater details, please visit the Year of Inquiry web page right here.

“When you believe your thoughts, you suffer….but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

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Orchestrate your own happiness (who’s coming?)

nisargadattaquoteYOIYesterday I offered for the third time (I called it an Encore since so many people requested it “just once more”) the MasterClass on Ten Barriers That Derail, Deflect, Cloud, Make Murky or Result in Meh When It Comes To Doing The Work….And How To Dissolve Them.

Watch and listen to the replay here. It will be available until Friday.

To be honest, I’m not sure the class could thoroughly cover how to dissolve all the barriers. I mean, really.

But just being aware of what creates havoc….

….or as someone mentioned recently…..the mind’s “antics”….

….can change everything and bring much greater awareness.

I offered four exercises that help you dig into thoughts and get to the bottom of the stressful barriers and patterns we tend to fall into.

And I offered the four ingredients I’ve found that support any kind of personal, transformational work (connect, feel, bond, imagine)….

….but only you ultimately get to discover what your barriers are and how you might dissolve them, in your own time, in your own way.

Self-inquiry is an unplanned program of wondering about your life, your own experience, your own brilliant, crazy, wildly-fast thoughts, your beliefs, your perceptions.

Some call it questioning your suffering, and the meaning of being human and living this life….wondering why it sometimes hurts, and exploring how to navigate it all.

Funny, with self-inquiry, there are no formulas, no step-by-step plans, no guarantees, no results, no certainties, no promises, no answers (but your own), no golden tickets, and nowhere to go.

What an odd business to be in.

We’re asking over and over again…..”is it true?”

And yet, here I am, here we are.

Coming back to the slight sudden in-breath that happens when we answer the question about whether or not something is absolutely true about this terrible situation we’re contemplating….

….wow….what I’m thinking and believing might not be true!!?! 

There’s nothing like discovering what you thought was true (that’s scary or sad)…..isn’t.

There’s nothing like discovering you may have barriers to freedom, in your opinion….but there are four questions you can answer, to check on reality to see if it’s really as unfriendly as you imagine.

“When you realize that suffering and discomfort are the call to inquiry, you may actually begin to look forward to uncomfortable feelings. You may even experience them as friends coming to show you what you have not yet investigated thoroughly enough. It’s no longer necessary to wait for people or situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony. The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Year of Inquiry begins with our Orientation in two weeks, and our first telecall in three weeks, the first retreat in eight weeks (if you’re coming to the optional retreats).

If you’ve tried everything to stop thinking stressful thoughts, and to feel better, but it hasn’t exactly worked….and you know deep within that you are your own teacher (along with reality)….then you’re probably already thinking about joining.

Early bird ends Friday night, which helps with cost, but people will still join afterwards and still get a great deal for the support of doing The Work month in and month out for a year.

Read all about it here. I’d love to have you share in this amazing adventure with me.

Who’s coming?

Much love,

Grace