Category: spirituality

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power of doing The Work with others

How in the heck can I do more of this inquiry work?

Or really, the true question for many (for me) was: How can I just have this thing downloaded into my brain and “get” it? And stop feeling bad?

I want peace! ASAP!

That’s what I thought when I read Loving What Is by Byron Katie, and couldn’t figure out how to really “do” The Work on my own, in my house, on my couch.

I’m an introvert! I don’t want to have to go places, join things, go to a school, take a course….waaaaaah.

Can’t this be easier?

Well.

I’ve learned something about myself as I’ve spent time in this beautiful process called questioning the mind.

It doesn’t work so much in a vacuum.

Knocking around in your own mind can be quite interesting, and yes, it can bring insight….but it’s 100 times more powerful when done with other people.

Even for introverts who like the solitary.

Maybe especially for introverts.

Those who believe they don’t like groups, just know, neither–I thought–did I.

However, they saved and changed my life.

All folks, introverted or extraverted (if you even believe in those labels) might have times where they believe people are scary, shady, untrustworthy.

The thought that there was something powerful to learn through inquiry became more important than staying home in my safe place.

So off I flew to the School for The Work.

But I gotta admit.

I chose middle rows, not too far to the front, and maybe even sometimes the back. Waaaay back.

I didn’t “turn to my neighbor” to share unless directed explicitly to do so.

And still, the burr of self-inquiry got into me.

I was an entirely changed person leaving that school. The feeling was magnificent.

The tool has never left, and expanded and broadened and gotten more vibrant over time.

Yes, things I’ve thought of as HORRIBLE have occurred in my life.

Don’t get me started.

And yet, I can hold life as the most fascinating, magnificent experience in every moment–especially those wildly difficult ones.

Especially.

So let’s do The Work again, friends. Let’s imagine and un-think and then feel and un-feel, then return to who we are without our stories.

We were this all along.

Mysterious, wild. Heart-broken, present. Willing. Looking forward to everything that happens.

Upcoming events:
*FIRST FRIDAY! Wheee! This is a completely no-fee inquiry session for anyone and everyone gathering on zoom. Come with video on or off. I won’t call on you. LOL. You’re safe. 7:45-9:15am Pacific Time. Connect here tomorrow from your timezone wherever you are by clicking HERE. Passcode “isittrue?” (don’t forget the question mark).

*Spring Retreat: Thurs 3/25-Sun 3/28 9:00am-12:30pm each day except Saturday 8:00am-9:30am followed by optional dancing online from 10:15am-11:45am. All Pacific Time. Learn more here.

*Eating Peace Inquiry Circle ongoing Membership starting April 1st. Healing at the level of mind for those suffering from compulsive behavior with food, eating or body image/weight. Live sessions, private online forum. Learn more here.

*Eating Peace Immersion Retreat April 26-May 2, 2021. Read about retreat here.

*Eating Peace Basics 101 8 week course May 5th-June 23, 2021 9am-10:30am PT here.

*Relationship Hell to Heaven: BreakUp, Divorce, Separation May 13-June 17th 9-11am PT here.

Much love,
Grace

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It’s all over

There’s nothing for me so fun and wondrous as hanging out with a group of people committed to self-inquiry…

…all people willing to deal with their pain about life, whatever it’s been.

Or willing to be willing. Just a drop.

Open to considering the ordeals we’ve endured, and question our relationship to them.

I got to be in this kind of atmosphere through retreat this past week for six days straight. I also get to be in this kind of powerful energy inside Year of Inquiry and Eating Peace and First Friday (which, by the way, is in 2 days–find out more here) and only every single person I work with.

In so many ways, it seems like awareness comes easiest when the mind comes alive with questions rather than answers, when feeling stressed:

Is it true? What do I want? What am I against? What’s missing? What do I wish never happened?

The people who came to retreat last week were all so wise brilliant, each and every person.

As people shared, I could see the images of their stories in my own mind.

Isn’t that amazing how that happens?

The mind shows a picture immediately by hearing words spoken and ideas expressed, even though we weren’t even there.

I could see in each moment everyone’s small squares on the screen, their backgrounds or their rooms and environments, their sweet faces up close or far away on a chair, or perhaps only their names printed on the screen with video turned off.

What I loved about it all is noticing that being in person, face to face, is not required for this mind to have insights.

Yes, it is beautiful to be near people. It is precious to be in someone’s physical presence. It is amazing to have touch, energy, smell, up-closeness.

And, it is not required for inquiry, for healing, for compassion, for unconditional love.

One of my favorite things about The Work is that you can do it by yourself, and of course on zoom.

You can do it in writing, you can contemplate all by yourself in silence.

There’s constantly a part of us watching closely, considering, taking in the world and wondering about it and about past and future images.

During retreat I noticed a thought arise in myself that’s familiar and old and stressful.

Tom, my amazing co-facilitator, was facilitating someone in a wonderful, fascinating, different way.

And then, “he is doing this inquiry with that person better than me”.

LOL.

Good grief.

Will that voice never end?

And yet…noticing if I’m not against it, what could it teach?

What does it have as a gift, to offer?

Have you had this belief that someone or Those People have it better, do it better, live it better, feel better…anything “better” than you?

(I’ve heard people say they think this about Byron Katie and other thought-leaders and speakers and teachers).

Some of the folks who came to the retreat last week believed this strongly about others. People at their workplaces, their neighbors, those people of other races, those people with those other bodies that look different than mine, those people with that money, success, influence.

They have it better. I wish I had what they have. I’d be happier if I had that.

I know this is kind of strange to say given all the disruption and clarity coming out about race, but in high-school when I was surrounded by mostly black kids, I thought it was too bad I was white.

Believe me, I understand the privilege situation now. This was a microcosm in the midst of the greater society that wasn’t accepting and highly damaging for so many. But in my little 15-year old world, it was so much better to NOT be white.

In Eating Peace program we look at the body.

There are those other people with bodies that mean….attraction, power, appeal, safety. Those thin people. Oh didn’t I wish I had their bodies.

Then…things would be good. I’d be happy.

Just to pause at only one situation, one thought, one idea.

That’s better over there.

A wonderful thing to do with this is where my mind went when I had the thought arise during retreat.

Why am I thinking this? How so? How do I know what I’m observing is better?

My answers: it appears more useful, more successful in creating a shift, more powerful, deeper, more of service for someone.

Is it true? Can I really know that what I’m seeing is “better” over there than what’s apparently over here?

Can I be sure what I’m observing is Not Me? Am I interested in comparing?

No.

It’s OK if your answer is “YES!!!”

I’m just SURE if I had five million dollars like that other person, my life would be better….YES.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Are you entirely sure? Really?

What happens when you think that Other Person’s experience, appearance, condition, movement, behavior, status, situation is better than yours?

Agony. Despair at the lack of fairness. Disappointed.

I have a “goal” to be that Other Way. Some day. I’ll strive for it. I’ll find the missing piece. I’ll get there. I’ll never stop.

Isn’t this what it’s like while I diet my way to the perfect body, suffering the entire time, using willpower, resistance, force, deprivation, gripping?

I have visions of those amazing people doing it the “right” way. Not me. I may pull away from those fancy people, those thin people, those clear people.

Shame.

So who would you be without the belief “they are doing it better than me”?

Staying in the situation you’ve chosen to go more deeply into. Stay very close to that.

Without the belief “he’s doing it better” I realize I have zero evidence to support that. I know it’s once again, just a personal thought.

I open to the joy and receiving I experience as I look at that Other Person and see such loving movement, such skill, such exquisiteness.

I see the elements and qualities I absolutely adore in Tom, for example: steadiness, a sense of love pressing in, more yang. Aware I also have this kind of intensity–it appears when needed apparently.

In high-school: the aliveness, the joy, the dancing (which is so me), the wild….a full range of colors all magnificent.

In those people with those athletic bodies; the power, the intensity, the joy of climbing a mountain to the top. It doesn’t mean I have to climb the same mountain (never, will I ever).

In that one who apparently has millions: without the belief they have it better I’m noticing, laughing, delighting in what appears to be over there. Happy to see abundance!

Noticing I was believing I’m not inside that experience, when it’s right here IN my experience.

Such appreciation for What Is. The diversity, the spirit, the glory, the clarity, the wealth.

“I” don’t need it to be “mine”. It never actually is.

Wow.

Turning the thought around: I am the best right here, this one who is me in this moment. Nothing more. Nothing less.

They are not “better” in any disappointing or stressful way. They are themselves, and this is itself (I could even question that), and we are both on a fabulous, enticing path of expansion.

What I am here, is just right for now. This is it.

Nothing more, or different, or special required.

Who is the one observing anyway?

Seeing without assessing. Open mind.

Awareness.

Noticing there are no boundaries, no “final answers”, life is constantly in motion, a new segment beginning and ending and beginning again.

Life bountifully bubbling like a geyser at Yellowstone National Park.

Who would we be without our stories that say “that is better” or “this is worse” or “that is worse” or “this is better”?

A great rest and relaxation. Nothing more required. Joyful with what’s taken in. Learning from what I see.

Noticing the draw towards what happens that is displayed before me; that it’s just right, just close enough, coming and going in just the right amount. Passion, depth, music, solidness, connection, love, freedom.

Peace.

“When you are trained, like a great athlete, to immediately relax through your edges when they get hit, then it’s all over. You realize that you will always be fine. Nothing can ever bother you except your edges, and now you know what to do with them. You end up loving your edges because they point your way to freedom. All you have to do is constantly relax and lean into them. Then one day, when you least expect it, you fall through into the infinite. That is what it means to go beyond.” ~ Michael Singer

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Join me for First Friday in 2 days on the actual Second Friday (haha). We gather and do The Work from start to finish. Everyone and anyone welcome, no fee. Get the link on zoom here . 12/9 7:45am-9:15am PT.

P.P.S. Next retreat is on Relationships: Feb 4-7 and then Feb 14th 8am-11am daily for these five days. More info on this Valentine’s Renew, Reset, Retreat coming soon.

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there’s something wrong with anxiety

There must be something wrong with me–I know, because of this anxiety.

Have you ever had that thought?

Whether a moment when you dropped a dish and it smashed to pieces, or someone broke up with you, or you weighed yourself (we’re looking at this in Eating Peace program) or you lost your temper, or you lost your house because of difficult financial circumstances….

….so many times we’ve reacted.

“Yikes! Oh no!”

I did it wrong.

Because I did it wrong, I’ll die without succeeding. I’ll fail. I’ll suffer. I’ll be alone forever. I won’t get “there”.

Some of us take so much responsibility for problems, we’re anxious, then we’re depressed and incredibly full of despair.

But can you be sure there’s something wrong with you because you’re anxious?

Think of just one situation.

For example, two different inquirers brought this to the pot in the past couple of weeks:

They were anxiously thinking about the future.

They were against feeling so anxious. Their minds were out of control.

Unchangeable.

“I’ve been working on this for soooooo long. Why don’t I stop obsessing? Why do I continue to be like this?!”

So if you’ve experience anxiety, and then berated yourself for being anxious….this inquiry is for you.

My situation. Two years ago (ish) in February on a very dark wintry rainy weekend in the northwest. I’m out of town with my husband for a long weekend.

In the hotel room, we receive an email saying they’ll be moving ahead with the building project in our back yard. A new small house with a ground floor apartment for my mother in her elder years, and a studio/office space up above for groups and inquiry work.

They would need $52,000 to begin on Tuesday.

I begin to sweat.

Holy Mother of God, what have we done? This is going to cost so much more than that. If this is only what they need to get started, how will this unfold? What if we don’t have enough? How did we ever think we could do something so massive? Why didn’t we just pay off our house instead of refinancing and building?

How could I have imagined I would even be eligible to do such a grand, gigantic thing?

People are starving in Africa.

As my husband began to breathe heavily later, in a deep and restful sleep, I began to think.

Maybe we should back out of this.

And by the way, why are we in a hotel? We should be saving any extra money for this ginormous project.

We should probably leave in the morning. I don’t like it here.

Now, you might think….she probably started doing The Work in the middle of the night, right?

Oh no.

I was having a full on epileptic thinking seizure. I stared at airplane lights far in the distance out the dark window, wondering how I picked a hotel this close to the airport.

I’m honestly still not sure why or how that all rose up to such a heightened sense of speeding thought, and how it happened that all sense of safety was sucked out of the room. (That’s dramatic–the room was entirely safe. The future, in my head, was unsafe).

I’m not sure why I did not meet the anxious mind with four questions as I always find liberating.

Maybe the fire needed to burn very brightly, so I could see how much I feared not having enough in the future.

I had images of boarded-up unfinished houses seen in neighborhoods sometimes. People who started a big project, and couldn’t finish it.

I had images of stocks plunging to zero and everything tanking.

“What is wrong with you?”, I thought.

“Don’t you want a simple life?”

People who come into the programs I facilitate often come with this core belief running in the background, this terrible doubt about themselves; Relationship Hell to Heaven (which just ended last Sunday, such a beautiful healing group), Year of Inquiry (gathering all year for self-inquiry together), Eating Peace (people feeling horrible about their eating issues).

Everyone is upset with how life has gone, and especially how they’ve responded to it.

Is it true there’s something wrong with you, if you’ve been full of emotions, like anxiety?

Are you absolutely sure it’s wrong to feel anxious?

No.

What’s the reality? Anxiety exists.

What happens when you’re upset with anxiety, with thinking, with a circumstance or a condition that sends you into fear?

I see flashes of terrible failure in the future.

Suffering. Sorrow. Regret.

I have to make the right decision NOW. I panic and run. Or I jump in when not quite ready.

Everything on the topic is an emergency.

In my mind that night during the news that our plans were really happening, I was unexpectedly thrown off by my panic about the unknown future…and money.

Who would I be without the belief that something was wrong? With me? With the circumstance?

Aware that nothing WAS actually wrong in that moment.

Even with this mind.

It was doing its job, reminding (re-mind-ing) me that only ten years earlier I almost lost the very same property to foreclosure and debt. Reminding me I should be very careful (which can be questioned). Reminding me I’ve suffered in the past, so suffering may happen again in the future.

But it was just mental images and thoughts and imagination and stored memory presenting itself.

I could question it all.

Who are we without our thoughts about the thing causing anxiety, and the anxiety itself?

I love we can turn the mind towards using the imagination for support and loving kindness, rather than drama and chaos.

Without my beliefs running, I’d notice the stillness and the powerful support of the present moment.

Turning the thought around: there’s something wrong with my thinking.

Yes, I can see my thinking, left unto itself, runs rampant when believing there’s a threat.

Turning the thought around: there’s something RIGHT with me (as I gaze at anxiety).

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Anxious images in a slide show, anxious feelings in the body.

And still, woman listening to husband’s sleeping breath. Looking through a glass at the night sky. Listening to the quiet room.

Stillness present.

Safety present.

Secure in gravity, warmth, resting, oxygen.

Mind busy, doing what it was born to do.

Nothing wrong.

“It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Body lying on a bed, feeling what the mind is thinking.

Failing to notice the joy of the space, the support, the slowness. Failing to notice no check needs to be written in the middle of the night, right at that moment.

All else, perfectly in order, perfectly on time.

Life, offering something. Person reacting to it and believing. Person believing the thought that believing a thought was wrong.

A lovely inquirer in Year of Inquiry said in passing in our call last Saturday “that Rumi poem about staring at the wound, that one…”

It’s one of my favorites, and I read it at retreats quite often.

I opened it up later to re-read it, and bring it to this memory of an imagined anxious sleepless night, noticing the intensity and beauty of that weekend and the turning within, the awareness. The invitation.

Look.

Look again.

Who are you, without your thoughts, even in that past memory of anxiety?

Who are you without your thoughts that having anxious thoughts is terrible, or wrong or unenlightened?

Healing the past, in the present moment of inquiry.

Calling back the past “see, it’s OK, it always was. Relax, relax.”

Kind to the anxious one. Willing to question.

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound.
They cover it, those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a Teacher wave away the flies and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where
the Light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment that you’re healing yourself.”
~ Rumi

If you have a past memory that surfaces, an experience of something “wrong” with you, with others, with life….

….you can believe your thoughts (how brilliant that you have done so) and you can also answer four questions and find turnarounds and un-believe your thoughts.

We can keep looking at the wounds, and not turn our heads.

Letting the light enter us.

If you want to, join me and the wonderful Tom Compton as we support you in healing the anxious mind with The Work.

Everyone, experienced to beginner, is welcome.

We meet Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

We have wonderful things planned and the unplanned will present itself, as it always does, to hold us in steady joy and silence in the background of it all.

We can’t wait to be in the adventure.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here. Sliding scale $375 – $895 for six days.

We prepare for winter, on the inside, on the outside.

The immense gift of inquiry: noticing reality is kind. Noticing reality is a teacher. Noticing reality can be trusted.

Astonishing.

Much love,
Grace

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What does it mean to move without resistance? The joy of acting in The Work.

There was a time when I became aware, about two years into doing The Work, that sometimes the mind can hold up a belief very solidly in the background of a situation we’re investigating, and not let go.

I didn’t even know I had the belief. That’s the funny part.

I was dating in my forties.

I was also rather shocked to be dating as I had felt so married-for-life in my first marriage of 15 years.

I loved partnership and had mostly been with a partner for the majority of my life since age 16. It seemed easy and natural.

(And before that, I always had one close best friend).

So there I was, meeting men and dating.

There was one man I found incredibly funny and smart, but also quite troubled.

We’d go on a walk or have a meal and talk in depth, and all kinds of weird emotional conflict would appear.

I’d feel nervous, angry, or incredibly disgusted.

Fairly new in my experience of self-inquiry and The Work at that time, I’d write a worksheet on the moment of disruption and get all my thoughts on paper: “he shouldn’t have said that”, “I need him to be different”, “there’s something wrong with him”, “he’s too depressed”, “he’s an addict”. 

I would take them through the four questions and find turnarounds and feel amazed with what I learned about myself.

And yet…the conflict persisted.

And so did the on-and-off dating, anxiety, and anger.

When suddenly one day, while sitting quietly in The Work, I heard the voice in my head ask this powerful question:

Why are you trying so, so hard to make this relationship work….when it just plain isn’t?

Why are you trying so hard to like red when you prefer blue?

And the hidden “agenda” appeared before my eyes.

This. Relationship. Must. Work.

Dreams of a future living with this person in bliss, enjoying the support of the money he had accumulated and his good taste, feeling that old natural feeling within me of having one best friend in my life, imagining easy conversations and someone to whom you could say “hey, did you see that?”

Some part of my mind didn’t like noticing this dynamic did NOT really work.

I scared him, he scared me.

Everyone confused and upset. Uneasy.

Ideas about what “success” or “love” looks like.

Is it true it had to work?

Is it true the images I had of “it working” were real? Or was it all imagination? (Um, I would say it was imagination, LOL).

What happened when I believed that relationship MUST work and turn into the relationship I dreamed of?

Well one thing that happened, is I did The Work itself on every tiny thing I did not like, in an effort to land on peace, enforce peace, arrive at peace.

Even my dreams of “peace” were false and guessed at. I said peace didn’t look like the present moment, it looked like a vision I had in the future.

I ignored my preferences, for “peace”. I turned everything around to myself “for peace”. I went places and ate food I didn’t like and said “yes” to invitations “for peace” or “for hope”.

I turned all my stressful thoughts around and then made an effort to keep myself directed narrowly to this goal of making the relationship work: “I shouldn’t have said that”, “I need me to be different”, “there’s something wrong with me”, “I’m too depressed”, “I’m an addict–especially about him”. 

But who would I be without the belief “I’m going someplace BETTER in the future (this future relationship working the way I want and imagine)?

Who would I be without the belief “This Must Work”?

On that day I suddenly dropped below my hopes and motives to enforce happiness in the future, my attitude of “fighting” for happiness….

….and I noticed reality.

Reality didn’t look like my plan. Reality didn’t look like celebration and loving connection and beauty and two married people smiling at each other in that moment.

What was the reality?

Not that.

THIS.

And then…the questioning opened up and I became aware of a turnaround: This IS Working. 

This is it. This is where this is going.

Right now.

Not in the future somewhere, where heaven awaits.

Heaven could be right here, despite the discord in relating and the difficult thinking and the tortured emotions and apparent confusion.

The sun still shines behind the sky, the world still moves, the breath still flows in and out of this body, the life force still pulses with joy–no matter what I’m ever doing, no matter what is happening, no matter what is being “thought” in any moment.

I could be cleaning dog poop off my shoe, and this is what is, in that moment.

Not the future cleaned up shoe.

Can I notice This. Is. Working. 

The relationship may not involve future active connection (turns out it did not) but what a joy to flow with life instead of push against it.

I understood then what Byron Katie and others might be talking about when they spoke of doing The Work with a motive or agenda, how it can block the freedom and peace you have access to right in the middle of any condition, relationship or situation.

Could heaven be possible even with this?

Of course.

Who am I to say “this is not heaven”?

Good news.

It didn’t matter that I had been doing that when doing The Work with a motive of eventually getting to peace. Insight came when it came, at just the right time.

I explored, I stayed, and then I saw, and I broke up with him.

The joy of not knowing what will ever happen, the freedom from being dependent on things going a certain way in order for me to be happy….dissolving.

Who are you without the belief “this is not it”?

Turned Around: This is it. This is life, being lived. This is heaven. This is waking up.

Peace is possible now.

When this realization landed inside me, I knew to break up with this man and that I didn’t have to make myself Not Think of him.

I didn’t know my future and it was totally safe, totally OK. I felt gratitude, clarity, tears, empowerment. Life moved in its own direction.

I couldn’t have gotten there, experiencing that moment as peaceful and exciting, without The Work.

Wow.

“Eventually, through practice, you no longer impose your thinking onto reality, and you can experience everything as it really is, as pure grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve got beliefs about what is required for peace, for awakening, for love, for eliminating stuckness…you may want to come do The Work on retreat.

Winter retreat is a month away.

Read more here.

We meet for 2.5 hours in Pacific Time morning, then 2.5 hours later, with a nice 4 hour break in the middle of each day for partnering in The Work with someone else in the retreat, movement, your own time, rest.

Every session is recorded for those who will need to sleep during one or more sessions because of your time zone.

The immersion of sitting in The Work with others for six whole days and 30+ hours is, quite honestly, incredible.

And there are two of us to hold you in inquiry, both with our own joy of The Work as facilitators of this profound process.

Tuition is a sliding scale: $375-$895. You choose what works for you based on your resources.

No traveling–it’s all online. You’re in your own space and something supportive about doing it right where you are.

We’ve done online retreat before and it’s worked brilliantly.

We hope you’ll join us and bring the action and aliveness of loving what is into your present moment, without the burden of hoping endlessly for something else.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Not long after that time of realization about relationship and trusting reality on the topic of love, I met a wonderful man who happened to become a husband and live-in partner. Apparently life would have it this way, until it isn’t.

 

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Do we stop making plans? (+ year of inquiry information)

It’s interesting the way we “make” plans.

I plan to do “x” tomorrow, and “y” next year. I plan on living at “z” in 2025 and visiting “q” in the summer. I plan on washing my clothes on Saturday. I plan on meditating at 7am every day.

Then, there’s what actually happens. Sometimes the plan goes as expected, sometimes not.

Stress can rise up when the plans are made because of stress, because of a need for control, because of fear, because of aggression against What Is. (This is where “diets” or ways-of-eating often came in for me).

It does seem like plans are fun and loving when the reason for them is loving, kind, joyful, exciting, supportive.

So what’s a peaceful, loving, fun plan?

Doesn’t that sound nice, to have a fun and loving plan for just about anything you dream about and say “I’ll make a plan for that!” 

Year of Inquiry starts in a month.

It won’t be the way the mind exactly “plans” it.

That’s impossible, honestly.

And yet, in the midst of the now, and this thing called “time” and the imagined future for anything….in this case the Year of Inquiry….I’ve been pondering what will be different this coming year.

One thing that’s going to be different, for example, is Saturdays.

One of the times you can join, which has been asked from people wanting to attend for years, is the weekend.

Why not? I used to find a clear reason why not with kids and family and friends and dancing on Saturdays. But not now. So we’ll gather for those who like that time on Saturdays (8:30am Pacific Time/ 12:30pm Eastern).

I’ve also been sitting with the topics we’ve had for several years in YOI; (we study one of these monthly: for example writing the JYN, body, money, relationships, family-of-origin, turnarounds, fear, etc).

We’ve investigated our stories on the topics, in the same order even, for quite a few years.

Everyone has stories about money, or the body, or certain relationships. Everyone has stories about family of origin: mother, father, sister, brother. Everyone has stories about getting it wrong and getting it right, not being good enough or needing something to be different.

No new thoughts.

But it appears the plan for topics will shift and expand a bit.

I’ve loved noticing over the years the common Top Hit Parade of underlying beliefs about reality, about ourselves, about other people that seem to arise repeatedly in the mind.

So many complicated and complex stories….but are they really that complicated?

Maybe the details change, but the story comes out of a shorter list than I once imagined about what’s going on here in life.

  • I thought I was abandoned
  • I almost died
  • they rejected/criticized me (see #1)
  • I have to do this by myself (I’m not enough, I’m all alone, I need help, I should work harder, since I’m abandoned)
  • Something’s missing (money, love, health, freedom, peace)
  • I’m not safe
  • I need to wake up/get somewhere else consciously (because then all of the above will be irrelevant, and I’ll be happy)
  • Now (or in the past in that situation) I am not happy–this isn’t it

It does seem like there are constant stories the mind communicates, or is it one persistent story?

Do some of us have a song we play over and over, and it’s really the same song (even though we thought it was a different song)?

I remember noticing my “Abandonment Story”.

I am abandoned. I’m not enough, not good enough, relaxed enough, self-less enough, peaceful enough, supported enough, free enough.

“I”. Abandoned.

How do we know?

The mind has its proof!

So now, I’ll plan on how Not To Be Abandoned. (haha).

“I” Am Abandoned. I have zillions of pieces of evidence. I rest my case.

But who am I without this story, in my particular and unique threatening or concerning situations I’ve experienced?

I don’t appear to need to make a plan to brace against potential abandonment.

Nice to notice.

What about another common story:

The “This Is Not It” Story.

This person isn’t “it”, my child isn’t “it” (the way I expected), my life isn’t “it”, this job isn’t “it”, this feeling isn’t “it”.

I’m not exactly sure what “it” is, but THIS is certainly NOT it.

LOL.

This list of topics in Year of Inquiry seems to allow a doorway to open into common stressful stories. Songs we’ve been singing, perhaps for our whole lives.

For example, Family of Origin opens up to the story of “they did it to me” or “I am special”.

Money opens up to “I have to access it” or “it’s possible for there not to be enough” or “I need this in order to be happy” (Dependency Story).

The Body topic offers deeply similar story lines: “I Must Survive” story or “Dying is Worse/Better Than Living” or “Living Is Better/Worse Than Dying” stories.

Again with the body, as with money or lovers or conditions there’s the “I-need-this-to be-‘x’-in-order-to-be-happy” story. Thin, healthy, alive, pain-free, intact, youthful.

What I notice is stories can be boiled down.

Boiled, boiled and boiled down, with all the moisture evaporating into the air (all the details becoming unimportant).

I see the stressful story, the concerning story.

As I answer four questions, awareness comes alive of Who I Am Without A Story.

A wonder, a creative process, a joy.

Moods, conditions, experiences, people, bodies, flavors come and go.

What is here without a story about it?

So thrilling.

So with all this said, and an apparent story about a future that begins in a month (LOL)….a group will gather again to share the power of self-inquiry.

At least this appears very likely as the plan.

It’s happened for ten different groups prior to this one. There will be a “last one” someday.

For now, it appears a thrill and spark has caught fire imagining this newest group starting, and people already signing up (especially several repeaters who know they like it and want to stick with it).

And so within, I’m watching ideas appear that had not appeared before about this next year-of-inquiry group.

Noticing the gratitude and and freedom and joy that arises when questioning stressful thinking–or why else would we even do this work?

Noticing “plans” and watching them come alive without stress.

Some shifts to the monthly topics…a study of the “stories” they point to.

The Story of “I” and the need for “Me” to make plans, be on the alert, be in charge, run the show, be safe, be careful, avoid pain, get pleasure, get enlightened.

Without a stressful story, the joy of the upcoming adventure grows.

This practice of self-inquiry using the four questions stuns me in how I have persistently been interested for almost 20 years.

Even when I’ve had the thought “I’m sick of doing The Work!” 

Here it comes again, consistent, steady, the clearest and simplest way.

No set answers in stone, no one else’s answers, just mind’s awareness opening and closing, starting and stopping, beginning and ending….kind of like life.

So those wishing to join together with others on the path of self-inquiry and wonderment about What Is….

….For those continuing to be curious about what else is here besides a story about what is here….

….there will be some new additions and changes in the program format to support our inquiry together.

There are loving “plans” underway:

  • Other facilitators giving their time for extra sessions.
  • Other guest facilitators visiting our group.
  • Invitations to dancing online to a set list on Saturdays for those wanting to feel their inquiry in the body.
  • Partner work, as always, for everyone enrolled who wants to pair with others.
  • Written exercises to dive deep into our awareness of what we’ve believed.

And always, always the simple awareness for Year of Inquiry to learn to be, share, and love what is.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I am a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” ~ Byron Katie

Check out the details here.

As a loving offer for those who are part of the family of Grace Note readers who have read all of this–YOU–I offer you a special invitation for Year of Inquiry which is usually only for repeaters or people in Summer Camp or other programs like Eating Peace Experience.

If you use the coupon code VIP when you sign up for full pay Year of Inquiry then a whole $500 will be subtracted from the full fee, and for the entire year the cost will be only $1497 for those who register before September 1st.

Yes, this is lower than I’ve ever offered, but there has been more people participating since the first year I ever offered this, the costs to run YOI are more spread out between a greater number of folks, the flow seems easier since all the tech is set up, the amount of admin time is simpler.

The one thing to consider about Year of Inquiry is that it is created to be a one-year program. We request 60 days to consider and fully participate, and after that please be “in” or “out” for the rest of the year (by November 15th).

There is a monthly payment plan as well, which you’ll see when you visit here.

I also offer anyone reading this the monthly pay private code for repeaters if you choose to register by paying each month for 12 months. The code for the monthly payment discount is TRUE.

If you decide to join us in Year of Inquiry and use these special discount codes, you need to do it before Sept 1st.

We’re preparing, and we can’t wait to connect with you–old and new friends, walking each other home.

Visit the information page here.

Much love,

Grace

 

https://www.workwithgrace.com/year-of-inquiry/#hero

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This has been killing me since January. (Oh, wait…is that true?)

Last January 28th, on my birthday to be exact, my mom and I had breakfast in the local Honey Bear Bakery across the street from my cottage.

That late day in January almost seven months ago, we decided to take a walk in my neighborhood in the bright mid-day winter.

It was a little bit sunny, I remember. Not Raining is a thing at that time of year.

The air was fresh, cool. Soothing.

The night before I had texted my son, now living very close by in the house his father had owned before he died of cancer 18 months earlier.

My son had replied “Sure, breakfast with you and grandma sounds fun! See you there!”

He hadn’t shown up, so we ate without him.

No big deal, my mom and I said to each other. He’s so forgetful. If his head wasn’t attached by the neck to his body, he’d leave it somewhere.

We decided, as we put on our January rain jackets, to walk over to his place, knock on the door and see if he wanted to come walk with us.

We showed up at his basement apartment door.

Apologies, laughter, more apologies. There was a young woman in his apartment. We had heard about her, but not met her yet. She didn’t want to come out to meet us.

(I watched a few thoughts run through about that–she should want to meet us, if they’ve been dating for 3 months now….is it true?)

My son pulled on his tall black Hansen rubber boots to his 6 foot 4 inch tall frame.

Little did I know as we three stepped out into the lush, wet, northwest late morning that our walk would reveal a massively unexpected bit of information.

Like. Insanely unexpected.

Never, ever before imagined or wondered about.

Well, certainly not imagined for me.

During the conversation as we trod down the very center of the wide paved quiet road lined with huge tall evergreens, my mother started prodding my son with questions about his girlfriend.

My mom commented on how shy the young woman seemed. She also asked about the girlfriend’s change of pronouns to them/they/theirs.

“What’s her motivation….I mean, what’s ‘their’ motivation?” asks my mom.

“And are you thinking of changing your own pronouns?” says my mom after some discourse.

I almost want to say “don’t ask him so many personal questions–especially that one mom. Leave him alone, jeez.”

My mom has always been caring, interested, and has no hesitation asking whatever comes to her mind.

It’s been a really, really good thing, to be honest.

Even if incredibly uncomfortable sometimes growing up.

My son paused, stopped walking with tall cattails waving slowly behind him and the creek singing loudly just past the path we had turned on, both hands deep in his pants pockets….

….and said….

….”why yes, yes actually. I AM changing my pronouns. To they/them. No longer he/him. Consider the pronouns changed. I prefer they/them”.

Holy Sh*t.

I felt a rush of adrenaline.

That was the first spotlight of awareness getting revealed to me. The first piece of information that didn’t fit my expected story.

Like in a very dark black theater, I’m in the audience way back in the seats farthest away from the stage, and the show is about to begin.

BAM. You know that turn-on-the-huge-theater-spotlight sound?

All the light suddenly in a bright column on stage.

Blackness surrounding this column.

That one spotlight turns on and we see everything inside only that beam of light.

They/Them pronouns.

What does this mean?

I had not known there was a whole stage, a whole unknown world surrounding and behind the light beam of new information.

An entire world, a whole enormous set.

A set with furniture, color, atmosphere, clues, history, people, genders, anger, passion.

With one spotlight, it’s all still basically in the dark, but the audience now knows the set is there.

We know now.

I knew now.

I had seen none of it.

I hadn’t even been invited into the theater before. It almost seems I had accidentally entered this theater, pulled in by my mother and her curiosity.

A world of gender questioning and challenging in ways different from what I’ve pondered myself. Maybe.

BAM. Another spotlight turns on two weeks later when I have a further discussion with my oldest child, this being who is now they/them, and find out ‘they’ have been taking hormones to increase estrogen and decrease testosterone since October.

I almost gasp inside.

WHAT?!

The mind starts fitting puzzle pieces together from the past year. I think about how weird last Thanksgiving had been, for example. Last November. I felt like something wasn’t being said.

I had wondered on that November journey if it was just my own sentimentality since I had been to our destination many times over the years: Cannon Beach, Oregon.

It’s where I had spent a honeymoon with my children’s father, right after our November wedding in 1990.

I had wanted to talk about their dad and remember him, but something was just….off.

After the second evening together on that trip, just before dozing off to sleep, I had said to my now husband, my two children’s step father (he’s been around since the kids were 8 and 11) “Something’s off, like we aren’t talking about something. It feels weird. I can’t put my finger on it.”

BAM. Three more spotlights turn on a few more weeks later when we have a five hour conversation about gender, society, culture, depression, conditioning, suicide, rage.

Wow.

“I don’t know why, mom, it just seems right. I can’t present as a male right now in my life.”

Me in my head only [Why the hell not? You’re one of the good ones, we need you! Don’t abandon your role as man, oh please, let this not be happening. Why do all the good men leave? (Um, they don’t, let’s not get carried away).]

“No I have not consulted or told anyone at all. It seemed necessary to do this on my own and not get influenced by other people.”

[You didn’t want ME to influence you. I mean nothing to you? Mothers have no power after all. My heart is breaking. You shouldn’t care about whatever your gender is so much. You’re throwing away a great life. Sob. (Um, hello, remember “is it true?” Heh heh.)]

“No I am not interested in surgery”.

[Thank God, maybe there’s hope. Stop! Don’t! How could I have not seen this? What’s wrong with me? Is this because your dad died? Please never, ever want to get expensive surgery that will make you look confusing and weird. (Um, this doesn’t have anything to do with you? Hello?)].

“Sure I do like girls or women, yes, and you could say that makes me a non-binary lesbian, mom.”

[A lesbian with a penis? Stop the insanity! (Remember how much you like challenges to ‘normal’ and the joy of change?)].

“Quit asking me questions, do your own research! I don’t have time for five hour conversations every week.”

[My son has died. He never asked me one thing about this predicament, this concern. What is this agony? Remember how fun and comfortable you find the LGBTQ+ world–even though you don’t identify there? Why so upset?? (You sure are having a hissy fit, interesting!)]

After tossing and turning one night for hours, I knew what to do.

Write it down.

Catch the thoughts–manifest them on paper. Stop them moving so fast by writing them.

Take your own medicine, Grace.

Ask four questions on one thought at a time.

Turn it around.

Funny that I would even let a few days go by without doing The Work.

Thank goodness I facilitate The Work. It is for me, once again.

What’s that, Grace? Who’s it for?

(The court fool in the corner is holding their hand to their ear with a smile. “Who is The Work for, Ms. Bell?)

Me. Mind.

This mind, having it’s thoughts that are very dramatic, catastrophic, wail-inducing.

I do The Work. I find a crack in my story, just by watching the stress and disappointment arise and asking “who would I be without this story?”

For the next weeks, every person’s inquiry I work with, every group where someone brings pain to the surface, I see this “son” saying they aren’t my “son”.

I listen, I plug in my child’s face, I hear those who have come to be clients giving their wisdom; the lovely and thoughtful year of inquiry group, the sincere and passionate eating peace group….everyone in these groups so brilliant in their own way, here to speak their answers.

I write.

One day, I have people in one of the groups write down what they have lost, in an important situation where LOSS is the caption of the story.

I do the exercise, too.

What have I lost, when it comes to this oldest child of mine? What does it mean for me?

LOSS EXERCISE:
I’ve lost my fairy tale ending with a son
I’ve lost my SON, a boy.
And it means that…..
People will be frightened of him, and of me
I did something wrong
He’s reject-able
That beautiful version of him is dead
He is throwing his opportunity away
People will hurt him
Being the good king, being president, being in charge, being leader, being the man, being Jon Snow, being the biggest-boss-there-ever-was….is not possible.

I begin to do The Work.

I am stunned. I see how in the card deck, the King is higher than the Queen. It was always that way. I never questioned it.

Fascinating.

What if that’s not true?

I write several Judge Your Neighbor worksheets for different situations, answering the six questions to identify more of what I’m thinking. I spend time contemplating, wondering about my story.

I’m listening.

My first sentence? The crime, the offense, the thing I hate that’s happened?

“My son is killing my son”.

How bizarre. It’s like “he” should keep being THAT IMAGE.

The handsome, beautiful man I see. The one I adore. The one I delight in listening to, in talking to for hours.

I had no idea I was so set in my mind about what I saw, how I saw it, who else should see it, how it needed to be maintained and seen long-term, and what I expected to see in the future.

Wow.

Left turn.

Pivot, (as they say during pandemics).

Universe showing up for me to learn.

Pandemic thinking, catastrophic thinking, grandiose thinking. A lot of killing going on.

Do I want to fight and crush my own heart into pieces with my disappointment, or broken heart, or diseased visions for the future that could use a little upgrade, or peace?

Or do I want to be open to whatever’s unfolding?

I get to choose.

“Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

And so the light continues to turn on, sometimes a strobe light, sometimes way too bright–until my eyes adjust.

Sometimes I wish for a blindfold, or those little delicate sandbags someone placed over my closed eyes once in a spa.

Do I really have to look? Do I have to see how much I dreamed the story to go one certain way, instead of remembering the universe is the one in charge?

Who am I without my nightmare story? Is it even “my” story?

Without this story, I’d be hearing my mother, the grandmother of my changing child, say to me on the phone last night after this child moved in with her; “This is going to be amazing. Their life could be better this way than the way it might have been without this change. This kid is fascinating….it’s going to be amazing, fabulous, wonderful. I am sooooo excited!”

These words from my mother who turned 83 two days ago.

An open mind, an unconditionally loving mind, has nothing to do with age.

Who would I be without my story?

Aware of the incredible support.

Aware of the question arising in me “that’s MY son, “my” child–is that even true?”

Aware of how much I love a future without limits, without definition.

Aware that I can also be thrilled, just like my loving mother who I adore.

I can also be full of wonder, surviving despite all the experiences and stories about pain and suffering, rejection and failure, gender and privilege.

Steady on into questioning my beliefs.

Are they even “my” beliefs?

LOL.

And so….the page-turner continues.

Life is the teacher, the guru.

All of life, everything I meet, every person I encounter.

Without my stories of what should be: son, child, dream, future, health, enlightenment, success, safety, right, money, wrong, even God….

….without “my” stories about any of this….

….something rises inside that’s like a laugh.

A joy.

Nothing serious going on here.

So Year of Inquiry is preparing for a new group of inquirers ready to journey together in The Work for a whole year.

Apparently, doing The Work is of phenomenal benefit for me, personally.

The group is part of my spiritual practice.

I love sharing The Work.

Which makes me extremely happy to know people will be coming on board and helping me stay on the peace train and discover the possibilities for whole new worlds.

The Work, especially with other people, is the one thing I can apparently do with all these wild stories careening around creating fear, agony, stress, anxiety, anger, rage, sadness and heartbreak.

I wouldn’t have the stories go any other way.

(They are rather exciting, no?)

I am so grateful I have four questions I can ask, and turnarounds I can fall into.

Like little mental wake-up slaps when I’m dozing off during a concussion. Er, I mean gentle dawning of the light.

Turned around: My thinking is killing my son, my thinking is killing me, my son is creating and giving birth to someone new.

Human being.

Thinking.

Seeing nightmares.

Human being.

Thinking.

Seeing possibilities, joy, love.

Human being.

Thinking.

Laughing at the thinking.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” – Margaret Mead

Our world-changing citizen groups start September 15th, 2020 and we work together through June 17th, 2021…followed by Summer Camp for The Mind which is always included for Year of Inquiry folks.

Our schedule?

Tuesdays 9am Pacific Time (Noon ET/ 6pm Europe or South Africa), and/or,
Thursdays 5pm Pacific Time (8pm ET/ 9am Japan Friday/ 10am Sydney Friday)
Saturdays 8:30am Pacific Time (11:30am ET/ 4:30pm UK)

Having a weekend day is by popular request for those working and busy all the time Monday-Friday.

I don’t mind.

“Mind”–LOL.

Read more about our group, the schedule, and the program right HERE: www.workwithgrace.com

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

That’s the best kind of way to live a life.

Thanks for joining me on the journey.

Much love,
Grace

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You have to do it….is that really true?

I’m in my quiet small living room, a slow hum of a rare fan for blowing in cool air after a hot summer day with clear skies.

I just turned my head up, looked out the big window from my couch, and saw the bright moon.

About 3/4 full.

A white bulb in the dark blue-black sky.

Low sounds of faint cheers are coming from where my husband sits through an open door in another room.

Chicago Bulls from the 1990s again. 

(This is so fascinating and cute to me. I don’t believe I’ve ever watched Chicago Bulls even one time).

The evening is quiet, slow, summer.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go, nowhere to be.

Except.

I might be taking this a little too far.

Because aren’t I supposed to be working on my business daily? Writing? Planning? Organizing? Podcasting?

Getting ready for Year of Inquiry in September, and Eating Peace Immersion in October?

Surely I haven’t done enough today. Not anywhere near enough.

There’s a shed to re-fill with sorted boxes, my car to wash, a table to paint wood sealer on, weeding.

Jeez. That voice.

The Do-er.

What if none of that is necessary at all, unless I just happen to feel like doing it?

This morning a woman in Eating Peace Basics shared that she’s somewhat confused, doesn’t feel half the time like she’s getting it, and felt like bolting or quitting the first few weeks of the class…

…and yet here she was on another call.

Showing up.

Present. With questions, uncertainty, wondering.

We even do this with The Work itself, or any other modality as soon as we start to think it’s “good” for us.

I’ve had this thought about life itself.

We think “I’m not getting it” or “I’m behind!” or “I’m not doing it right” or “I need to do more, surely. Much, much more”.

And as soon as we’re thinking we should do more of this and less of that other thing, the shoulds, shouldn’ts, wants, have to’s, need to’s, musts, won’ts come flying in…

I notice when so much shouting happens, it’s hard to find the quiet in the background, underneath it all.

It’s hard to remember the simple joy and need to rest the mind, pause, look around, breathe deep, listen.

If the world was trying to catch my attention in those DO DO DO moments, that is not exactly a two-way comfortable conversation with reality.

Know what I mean?

We have to do stuff.

Is it true?

Who would we be without this story?

Free to do it or not do it.

Enjoying doing it, or enjoying not doing it.

Sharing a group interested in looking at thought and wondering about Not Thinking and what is here besides the mind….moving on with an hour, an evening, a moment.

Simply being willing. 

Nothing required here.

Not even to be willing, actually.

Woman sitting on summer night in pacific northwest, with moon beaming into window, turning back to computer and typing. Slowly. Not concerned with finishing, and noticing a magnificence of this moment.

Not tired for some weird reason, even though the clock just passed 11pm now.

Nothing happened that was “big”.

There was no cockroach, I didn’t just do The Work in writing, no jolt hit me, no sudden dawn of recognition.

But I noticed I was happy.

Mind says “oh, you can’t really be ‘happy’ right now.

Remember the stuff you need to do? Your child and their worries? The virus? The unfinished shed project? Business updates? The email-sending tech problem?

Remember tomorrow you need to take the computer to the repair store and blah, blah, blah?

For a second, I bet you could do it too.

What if you were just…happy?

If your mind says…oh no. That couldn’t be true.

Why not?

Are you sure that’s true?

Yes…even with all that’s happened or happening.

Even with that.

“The mind is prior to whatever it perceives. It is pure and lucid and completely open to everything: the apparent ugly just as much as the apparently beautiful, rejection as much as acceptance, disaster as much as success…..What flows out of its realization is freedom. ‘No place to stand’ is where it stands; there’s where its delight is.  When inquiry is alive inside you, every thought you think ends with a question mark, not a period. And that is the end of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice when I don’t “have to” I still might “do”.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry begins next month. NEW format for the year. Updates coming soon to the website (not there yet though–apparently the updates do not “have to” be done today). Can’t wait to meet those who will travel together sharing The Work and finding who we are without our stories, have-to’s, musts, or suffering….

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A therapist thought she lost her mooring because of the virus

Are you a person whose job has been to serve others?

Practitioners of all kinds are now working via zoom or video conferencing with those who seek help.

Kirsten has been in practice for years, and as a skilled practitioner found herself believing the story that she’s not as confident, she can’t reassure people as before, that her work feels less grounded.

Watch as we look together at the belief on Peace Talk Podcast Episode 159: “this virus is causing me to lose my mooring”. (Listen HERE).

Even if you’re not a practitioner who works professionally with others….you might be having the same thought!

Also, a powerful free summit is coming up with a daily interview (21 minutes only per person) where I am one of the speakers featured (out of 21 people).

I very, very rarely have participated in these because of soooo much information overload, but I was very moved by meeting and learning about Malia, our host, and what her intentions are for anyone participating.

To sign up to receive these short interviews from my new adorable friend Malia Aloha and her Mindset Detox, visit here.

Those who attend Malia’s summit will be able to join for no fee a 2-hour workshop in The Work with me on Friday, May 8th at 9am Pacific Time where we’ll dive into the depths of inquiry on disease, loss, fear, pain, death, viruses….some of our most frightening thoughts about reality.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

I am not home–how do YOU react?

Something about fall. Crisp. Fresh. Orange.

The beginning of the end. Nature is decaying and going dark for the winter. Leaves fall, the sky looks gray, the sun shines far less (where I live).

I love going on retreat at this time of year, and taking the precious time to sink into inquiry.

I’ve experienced very deeply and sincerely that when my relationship to reality actually changes through this work, my movement in the world changes, and the outcomes I experience actually wind up changing, naturally.

  • half-day Living Turnarounds Deep Divers retreat October 14th from 2-6 pm ($50)
  • October 17th evening through October 21st morning, autumn retreat. We have one room left for anyone wanting to stay at a reduced fee onsite at the beautiful retreat house, but commuters also welcome.
  • December 6-9 a winter retreat in the woods of Breitenbush Thursday evening through Sunday morning.

The other day, I was reflecting on one of my first most terrible, dreadful “loneliness” stories.

I was going to share this story with only the Eating Peace mailing list, but I had the thought you might like to reflect on the very same story….even if you have never had a single moment of trouble with food, eating or weight.

The “I Am Lonely” story.

I am not connected, I am abandoned, I am alone, I am not safe.

I AM NOT HOME.

This story is incredibly stressful.

When I believed it was the truth, what did I do?

I isolated, I tried to hold back tears, I slept a lot or lay in my bed…and I ate.

This is a truly powerful story to question. So let’s do it today (and you’re welcome to watch my live youtube on this right here).

I am not home.

Is it true?

No.

When I think about this right now, today, I can still find the voice that wonders where home is….that isn’t so sure it’s here, now. But I really can’t know that voice is accurate.

The thought comes in “where else would home be, if not here?”

I can really see it’s not True.

But how do you react when you think it is?

Doubt enters my heart, and I feel it in my body. I believe I won’t be safe quite soon, and I’m not emotionally safe now. I can’t relax. I want to go home, like a little kid saying “where’s my mommy?”

And if you watch my story I shared on youtube, you’ll know that the way I reacted to this belief “I am not home” is that I ate.

I ate and ate and ate and stuffed and filled myself. I remember I knew how to say in French, “J’ai manger trop”.

“I ate too much!”

I said this many times to my student leader on my foreign exchange program who was probably about 24 and seemed so old and wise and capable. I remember her saying back to me “you’ve said that a lot!”

Ugh.

I’ve sat with many people in this stressful belief. Some people react by hunting for the perfect mate. Some people buy clothes and go shopping and try to enhance their environment with a feeling of “home”. Some people watch TV or movies, or join a ton of groups, or fill their time with way too many tasks.

Just watch, if you’ve held this belief that you are not ultimately at home, how stressful it can be.

I notice that I’ve felt source, reality, universe, God, were very far away somewhere and not listening to me. (I notice it makes no sense at all, really, but the images are of distance, outer space, being cut-off, feeling desperately sad).

Now….who would you be without this belief you aren’t home?

I instantly notice a sense of relief or wonder about this moment. It’s quiet, yet I can hear a lot of sounds–crows and eagles outside, a group passing by on bikes calling to each other, wind chimes on the front porch, a loud motor from the busy street in the distance.

But I suppose it would be fine if suddenly I was deaf.

And what would this moment be like without sight, without the belief you aren’t home?

I find there’s a trust present that I didn’t feel before. Something kind. I’m not assuming darkness or blackness means aloneness or separation.

Turning the thought around: what if you are connected? What if you are home?

I am connected, I am found, I am surrounded, I am safe.

Was that actually true for me at that time so long ago when I shared my story of being so far away in another country?

Yes.

I had a group leader, I had adults who had welcomed me into their home to spend time with their family for the entire summer, I sang all summer with my friends in 3-part harmony during our bike ride adventure through France, I felt joy at the beauty I witnessed of landscapes and castles and camping in barns on hay, I learned that I didn’t need my parents or family around in order to be happy.

I also learned that something in me felt terrified and reached for food for relief, escape and comfort. I lost some of my innocence of childhood and discovered I had something vital to contend with—my inner soul’s desire to connect with other humans honestly (instead of food).

It was not easy.

I am still practicing and learning the living turnaround: I am home.

But what I can see is when I do not believe that I’m not home and there’s no hope in returning home, I do not eat wildly and desperately.

I notice a need to articulate my feelings and speak them. I ask for support and put myself in environments where I will receive it. I connect with other people–including all the clients and people who appear for groups–and we do this work, together.

I feel in this body, and in my consciousness, a sense of now, here, being, open.

Gratitude may appear. Thankful for this chair. Thankful for this tree. Thankful for this mind, these thoughts, these feelings even.

This. Nothing more required.

Geese appear high over us,
pass, and the sky closes. Abandon,
as in love or sleep, holds
them to their way, clear
in the ancient faith: what we need
is here. And we pray, not
for new earth or heaven, but to be
quiet in heart, and in eye,
clear. What we need is here.
~ Wendell Berry

Much love,
Grace
P.S. A few spots left in autumn retreat and half-day living turnarounds group has room for 4 more.

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Enlightenment is intimacy with the one who says I’m not enlightened

I experienced an inner momentary fit, followed by a sense of sadness the other day.

I watched the response clench inside, then release like a puff of smoke rising up and away.

I was listening to a friend share some of her experiences about a topic I’m deeply interested in and have studied for many years, even academically: disordered eating. Eating angst. Eating issues. Eating weirdness. Eating too much. Eating too little. Eating as a spiritual path of healing.

As you probably know by now, the topic of healing addiction and compulsive behavior, especially around food, eating and body image is practically an obsession for me, just like eating once was. (I confess I’m still a bit obsessive perhaps, but obsession to study troubled eating is a thousand times easier than doing troubled eating).

And for me, my eating was a symptom of course of what we talk about here: Stress. Feelings. Unhappiness. Thoughts. Grace (the other kind).

Anyway, I’m talking to this friend, and she’s vulnerably sharing about her experience of feeling not-quite-right with food or weight (yet).

Then she says about an expert in the field….”Well, she’s  awake, so I’m listening closely to her and following her work….”

There was more commentary about other “awake” people too. This spiritual teacher is awake. That teacher is not.

Sigh.

The whole who-is-awake and who-is-not awake thing, again.

So what was the trouble for me about this comment?

Because I can’t deny it was trouble. Ugh.

I sat for a moment quietly, long after the conversation was over, to contemplate what felt troubling about this labeling of someone as awake or enlightened.

What’s my objection? What am I afraid of?

What am I thinking and believing here?

First of all, I thought to myself, it automatically means if someone’s awake, that someone else is NOT awake.

The friend who was speaking about awake-ness seems to assume that she herself is not awake. The world is divided into those who are and who are not. Like Sneetches.

But those Not Awake people.

Uh-oh.

I must be one of them. She thinks I am not helpful, or awake enough (or awake at all) to be of assistance, even though, as mentioned, my favorite obsession is self-inquiry and eating peace as a spiritual practice.

(I can hear Popeye’s voice muttering under his breath while making a fist ‘why I oughtta…’).

Is that all this tweak is about? She doesn’t see me as the helpful genius who knows?

Oh man.

People need to think I’m helpful. They need to consult with me on their problems. Especially when it comes to eating.

Suddenly, as I sank into The Work I saw how I’m seen is not only about this eating topic….but in other areas.

I need to be seen as ______ (kind, supportive, smart, funny, awake).

  • My sister needs to think I’m supportive about divorce.
  • My friend needs to think I’m insightful about alcohol recovery.
  • My other friend needs to think I’m on the right path, even if I don’t have the Course in Miracles memorized.
  • My mother needs to think I’m welcoming.
  • My other friend needs to think I’m good to hang out with when you have cancer. 
  • My kids need to think I’m the first one to consult if they have a predicament with a friend, or with money, OK with anything.

Crazy.

It’s like the mind has an insisting perspective that I must be seen as “x” in this or that situation (fill in the blank with something good–in this case, “awake”).

Yikes. Kind of embarrassing.

Is it really true that my friend should see me as profoundly helpful and as someone with the answers, or someone “awake”?

No.

Am I sure it’s true that she does NOT see me as helpful?

No.

How do you react when you think this thought that someone needs to see you as helpful, interesting, useful, appealing, attractive, good, enlightened, funny, supportive?

How do you react when you hear that some people are enlightened, and others are not?

I’ve lived many moments in this thought, starting very young. When I’ve believed it, and I’m around other people, I make an effort to behave the most helpful awakened way.

Like Maria in the Sound of Music.

I’m acting. I’m not simply being. I’m not in touch with what naturally arises.

I might even think that what’s arising in me, or in a human who is not “awake” is negative, selfish, boring, serious, or asleep.

I had an insane eating disorder once. Or should I say an insane thinking disorder. I compared myself to images of what was right, perfect and good and tried to be like them, instead of be like myself.

When I believe someone needs to see me as helpful, I take it personally and think I did something “wrong” if they don’t.

So who would you be without this dreadful story of trying so hard to be good, kind, helpful….or even awake? (The new achievement of “there”)?

In the presence of my friend, I’d be actually listening. I might ask her further about what she experiences that feels off. I wouldn’t think her statements or questions or comments about who is or is not awake have to do with me.

Maybe she’s right.

I’d sit with this interesting awake-ness quality so discussed, admired, longed-for, sought-after, wondered about, written about….and feel whatever-it-is present right here, right now.

I’d appreciate the moment, with her comments in it, and my thoughts spinning off for a sec, and noticing the absolute delight of connecting, sharing, being here.

Turning the story around: People do NOT need to think I’m helpful. They do NOT need to consult with me on their problems. (Especially when it comes to eating). My friend does NOT need to see me as “awake”, or relinquish categorizing others as awake or not awake. 

Yes. I can find this to be truer. Silence is glorious. The most beautiful feeling is when you find your own answers, not someone else’s answers.

The most brilliant, exciting feeling is when you become aware of how life brings you to conversations with other people, to taking in some kind of sound or words or communication….

…..and then it takes you to conversations with yourself, and then it takes you to no conversation at all, and back again.

The way of it.

Turning the thought around again: I need to think I’m helpful, I need to consult myself on my own problems (especially when it comes to other people connecting with me about theirs). I need to see myself as awake. 

This is a most amazing question to ask: Why do I say I am or am not awake, or that other person is or is not awake? How do I know? Where did I get this idea?

Turning the thought around again:  I need to think she’s helpful, I need to consult her on my problems or her problems. I need to see her as awake. 

“Everyone is enlightened except you.” ~ Byron Katie

LOL. Right!

Isn’t that the best place to be ever? Open like a sponge? Not knowing what’s true? Unconcerned with what happens next? Happy to hear the brilliance of my dear friend?

Everyone having something interesting, fascinating, unique, curious, startling, joyful or hilarious to say…including the one who is dividing the world into awake and not awake. She’s exactly the same as I am. I’m dividing myself into parts, and having objections.

I’m hearing myself–I’m her. 

“When one first seeks the truth, one separates oneself from it…..Enlightenment is intimacy with all things.” ~ Dogen

Every word, sound, facial expression, breath, moment, listening, thought, description, story.

Every moment. Ahhhh.

Much love,

Grace