Month: April 2014

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Be In This Yuck Place From Your True Nature

“I don’t like it here.”

 

This past week, two inquirers noticed this thought and how terribly stressful it could become.

 

Ooooh boy, I can relate.

 

I used to have this thought all the time about being on the planet.

 

I once had a very dear friend who felt constantly depressed because of living in the same city I live in, where it rains a lot during the winter. She stayed here for a decade. Then finally, returned to the place she grew up. Lots of sun.

 

Depression and sadness averted? Not really.

 

I had another friend who moved as far away from home as possible, to a place where the weather was mild, the people were mild, the temperature was mild, the landscape was mild. Lots of successful-looking huge houses on the beach. No family drama.

 

Was the inside of his head mild?

 

Uh. That would be NO. He struggled constantly to stop anxiety, switch medications, find another new solution, and change his feelings of rage towards other humans.

 

Let’s do The Work.

 

If you have a place you think of as imperfect, or horrible, where your life actually takes you there on purpose sometimes, then recall it now.

 

Even if you hardly ever go there anymore, but when you talk about it, you complain with a vengeance….this may be your chance to settle something important about that place.

 

You don’t like it there.

 

Is that true?

 

Yes, it’s dirty, dusty, noisy, the water comes out of the taps cloudy, everyone tries to pick your pocket, the food could make you sick, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, too many creepers on the streets, too much snow, traffic, pollution, people squish you, too crowded, houses are too ticky-tacky matching…..

 

….you get the idea.

 

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you don’t like it?

 

I close my eyes, I feel what that place feels like.

 

I slow waaaaay down. Hearing, smelling, tasting, seeing, touching, feeling. Being there, remembering it, images rushing by in my mind.

Not absolutely true.

How do I react when I believe I don’t like it here?

I talk about it, I fight against it, I disagree with other people who do like it, I hate positive comments about it, I attack it, I feel aggressive towards it, I feel frightened and run away from it.

I think of it as a problem that must be solved.

I love it when I said to my husband “I hate the clutter in this room! It’s the wrong furniture! It’s been five years of living this way!”

Like we’ve been living in terrible conditions and he surely agrees with me what a terrible plight we’re in.

“Your life is in a mess. You want to get out of it. It’s in a mess because of your ideas. You have wrong ideas. Don’t even bother trying to catch the culprit……The simplest formula to this: the world is full of sorrow, the root of sorrow is desire or attachment, the uprooting of sorrow is desire-less-ness, the uprooting of attachments.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Who would you be without the thought that you don’t like it here? That it’s fine if you prefer one place over another place, but you don’t really mind this situation?

Without the thought that right here at the dump, in the garbage pit, on the side of the freeway, in the middle of war…..I don’t believe with a vengeance that I hate it here?

Really? Wow.

It does not mean that I don’t look around, get up, seek shelter, ask for help, move to a quieter table.

I can do all those things, and have preferences….without clinging on to the belief that I should like every minute of every hour non-stop.

I like it here.

Could that be as true, or truer?

I notice, it is so much more fun to like it here. Incredible, really. The most fascinating and luscious place, such variety, the movie changing constantly, every moment a different possibility.

A movement, a hum, ideas coming and going, nothing to fear, nothing to actually be against, nothing to eliminate. Including everything, everything.

I like my thoughts here. They, too, come and go. They spring up then fade back. Intense, then asleep.

Even the middle of a concentration camp. Not playing at denial, simply noticing there is something to like here.

This heart beating, the sky, a bug, that sound.

Who knows what might happen, now that you like this place, just a little. The war might be over. And you could live anywhere.

“You realize that you never really wanted whatever you thought you wanted. You realize that behind all of your desires was a single desire: to experience each moment from your true nature.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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He’s Asking Too Much–Is It True?

It’s only two months now until the Breitenbush Annual summer retreat immersion in The Work.

If you register by this Thursday, May 1st, it’s only $395 for tuition. You add lodging and meals based on your own preference.

To sign up call Breitenbush on the phone at 503-854-7174. The reservation desk is open, even if the campus is not, so listen carefully to their outgoing message and press the right buttons to get connected.

Speaking of ancient old-fashioned ways of making reservations….

….I’m in love with my new smart phone.

If a phone can do what this phone does (it talks to me when it can tell I’m moving in car, so I’m hands-free, wow)…

…then one would think that registering for ANYTHING should be easy.

The other day I took a six hour CEU (Certified Education Units) training for my certification in counseling in Washington state entitled “Mental Health Ethics in the Digital Age”.

As our brilliant lecturer began the program and asked everyone what devices they used and whether or not they had websites, the range of answers was enormous.

Someone shouted from the back of the room that she would NEVER sign up for facebook. Later on I taught her about Instagram and Snapchat, which I learned from my teens.

I thought she was going to have a heart attack. (We laughed!)

People get fired up about social media and doing things online, getting information stolen or interrupted or spied on. Many people are oriented towards face-to-face contact or talking on the phone rather than email or chat room.

It’s really interesting noticing a little stabbing judgy thoughts about people, new technology and devices and programs, and what they should or should not be doing.

A man wrote me recently asking to please send information to his P.O. Box about the Breitenbush retreat. No email or phone number.

I wondered what information, exactly? I have a ton of information already on my website, and on www.thework.com events, and on facebook events.

Can’t you get it there?

I must confess, I resisted.

Send a physical written letter thing? Jeez, what a lot of unnecessary work! In this day and age? He must be 100 years old!

(Gosh, could it be that sometimes, the information I list out there online might be a little hard to find, or confusing, or—gasp—incorrect?)

Well. It’s a little embarrassing to admit I didn’t want to write a postcard, but this is worthy of The Work.

Because everything is.

It’s kinda like the same as getting all worked up about traffic, or interruptions, or losing your dollars in the vending machine….

….is it true, that this question requires an inconvenient action? Is it true that giving a response is a hassle?

No.

It took me less than five minutes to send a postcard today, to the requested address.

Is it true that I would know what that person’s motivation, age, situation or personality is like, who is making this request?

People who get enraged at traffic often think they know what the drivers are like: rude, unconscious, unsafe, distracted.

But can you know that this is true?

Can you be SURE that you know whatever you think you know about the questioner?

Not at all.

How do you react when you believe the thought that someone is asking you for something inconvenient, or something that is “making” you expend extra energy?

Well, heck, the way I react is I dismiss them. I think they’re irritants. I want to ignore them, get away from them.

Sometimes people feel this way at work. Someone asks them to complete something new, different, extra, unusual.

What a pain-in-the-ass!

Fume fume fume.

Maybe you do a poor job, just to make them sorry. So they never ask you again.

But who would you be if you couldn’t even have the thought that his request is a hassle? That her question was stupid? That their complaint is frightening? That she asks for too much?

“There isn’t any hell or heaven except for how we relate to our world. Hell is just resistance to life. When you want to say no to the situation you’re in, it’s fine to say no, but when you build up a big case to the point where you are so convinced that you would draw your sword and cut off someone’s head, that kind of resistance to life is hell.” ~ Pema Chodron

I may not have a sword….but my mind is shooting daggers. This is not really that different.

In fact, I see that if I can notice this internal stab, it’s a lot easier to soften, relax and surrender and take the most natural next step.

Like send a simple postcard to someone I never met.

Then, it never turns into war. I use my intuition, I respond.

Yes. No. Not right now. Maybe later. Pause. Wait. Yes.

I turn the thoughts around: Breitenbush should reserve only by phone and appear to be closed a lot, that man is not asking for too much, they aren’t hassling me, it is not difficult, I don’t know what they are thinking… 

I follow the simple directions.

It’s very efficient. And much easier.

Even fun.

Heck, now I’m thinking I could have written more. I could have printed out something from my website and sent it. Ha ha, it moved the way it did.

Gently.

“When you think that someone or something other than yourself needs to change, you’re mentally out of your business.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,

Grace

 

 

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True Relief In Changing Absolutely Nothing

Only three more spots in the mini retreat this coming weekend. If you want to go from beginning to end investigating one personal dilemma, problem, person, situation, or pattern in your life that causes upset….

….and learn how to facilitate someone through the process as well….

….we’ll go from beginning to end in four hours. Four CEUs for mental health professionals. 1:30-5:30 on Saturday 5/3.

Write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions or to register.

**********

I’ve been teaching the Money teleclass again lately.

I love bringing the awareness of supply to the forefront again, like every time I do the money class.

Looking at money, and what it symbolizes, means, represents.

All the stories, so fantastic, so thoroughly fascinating.

Seeing what you *think* will give you support, time, relaxation or freedom in your life is truly exciting.

Throughout human history, people have had complex and confusing ideas….but very common ones….about what they need in order to have support, security, or freedom.

Money, a boyfriend, a wife, a lover, youth, good parents, a different partner, a guru, a teacher, a method, a meditation retreat, enlightenment, a different mind (we went over that yesterday), a fair divorce, health, weight loss, beauty.

One of my favorite questions that Byron Katie asks is “what would you have, if you had what you think you need in order to be happy?”

So what would you have, if your partner quit smoking? What would you have, if you got married? What would you have, if you won the lottery? What would you have, if you no longer had cancer?

Often we’re just sure we’d have it better. Life would be easier, safer, more interesting, more loving.

I always thought having more money would make life easier.

You pick the thing you want to investigate with me right now…that thing that if it changed, and you got MORE or LESS of it….

….you’d be rockin’ the casbah in no time.

Well….first off….is it true that if you got more (or less) of it that you’d be happy?

Yes. If I won the billion dollar lottery, I’d be jumping up and down, I’d never have to worry again, I’d get so excited to share it, I’d be free to move forward on x, y, z.

Yes. If I had a husband who was a competitive athlete I’d have more health and fitness, and therefore happiness, in my life.

Yes. If I had all the time in the world for retreats I’d be zoning out on bliss and clarity at all times.

Yes. A client of mine said if she didn’t have cancer, all the fear, pain and danger in her day-to-day activities would dissolve.

Yes. Another client said if he go that new promotion, he’d jump for joy.

But can you absolutely know that its true?

I once heard Adyashanti talking about the way we get a nice new car and its awesome for about two weeks. Or less.

Or a new lover. Pretty exciting for some amount of time. Then we find faults. The relationship isn’t giving us what we anticipated or hoped for.

So we start to look for something different, something else. Not quite there yet.

No. I really can’t know its true that if I got what I think I want, I’d be totally and completely satisfied and happy.

But who would you be without the thought that having a bunch of money, or attention, or fame, or love from a person….

….or a bunch less sickness, mental analysis, boredom, work….

….would give you real happiness?

Wow, it’s astonishing.

Without the story that you need anything, in order to be happy, a very strange and exquisite emptiness is felt. Like a big question mark. A very quiet but powerful silence. Everything slows down.

Nothing, absolutely nothing (including the right spiritual message) could give me happiness, that I don’t already have?

You mean I’m not lacking something? Or in need?

I don’t need to have a back-up plan, or save something in reserves for a rainy day? Or keep hunting, endlessly, for my true love, or my true teacher, or the right answer, or enlightenment?

Ha ha!

Without the thought that I need even a drop of something to gain or achieve something better….

….laughter wells up from underneath somewhere, behind and below and all around.

Turning the thought around: I don’t need that thing in order to be happy. Maybe that thing (or person) needs more of me. Maybe I need more of myself, more awareness of what is here.

Well, I sure notice that what I always needed was more of myself, not money, love or security (etc). I kept looking at myself like I was just a mind, thinking thinking thinking.

But we are all so much more than what we *think*.

What does your pinky toe say about this effort to find awareness, enlightenment, money, truth, or health?

Pinky Toe is very happy, already. It doesn’t even “get” trying to find enlightenment or a lover or extra cash.

Phew. Nothing more to do. Nothing to find or get. Nothing to acquire.

You already know that stopping, and resting, is just what the doctor ordered. Sweet, magnificent rest.

“When your image of the me takes a break, you’ll find all you are doing at that moment is just being open. You feel quite relieved that you are not trying to get to another moment or a better experience. You feel yourself just being in a very relaxed, easy sense of peace. You haven’t gained anything at all–you’re not smarter, you don’t necessarily know more than anyone else, and you haven’t suddenly become holy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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You Can Love Your Mind

This past week, and many other times before, I’ve talked with truly honest and genuine inquirers who say this:

I am soooo angry, I am furious, I hate everything, I’m mad at my mate, my child, the traffic, my friends, everyone’s annoying, I am just so freakin’ judgmental, I can’t stand my own mind!

When you have this experience, and view the world through these pissy-irritable glasses, it’s not exactly fun.

Like a committee of screaming voices in the head that go from zero to hate in about one-quarter second.

Then you feel anxious, you hate yourself and your own thinking, and you lose.

As Byron Katie says….100% of the time. You lose.

You know it, right?

The loss feels horrible, you get depressed, explosive, you act ways you’d rather not act, you say snappy things to people you love, you become one of those negative complaining sorts.

The kind of person you don’t want to be.

I once was very close friends with someone who was exceptionally critical (my assessment, but he agreed).

We had long, long conversations about anger, death, what made us nervous, what we wanted, what was upsetting about life.

I noticed that this friend would often be at war with his own mind, hating the way it worked, trying to find a cure for his judgmental nature.

He should relax, he should calm down, he should stop being so critical, he is really afraid, he is so nervous and suspicious about everything under the sun…..

….but was that true?

Yes! He would feel a thousand percent better if he just chilled out a little, jeez. He should grow up, what a baby! He keeps wanting everything to be perfect, and it never will be. 

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I absolutely know he should stop having a mind like that, stop judging, stop carrying on, stop criticizing, stop being so horribly mean and nasty towards everyone and everything?

Yes! I’m positive he’d have a better life, and so would everyone around him!

But wait.

Maybe judgment, criticism and nastiness all exist for a reason…..they are part of reality, after all.

Maybe he needs to be just as judgmental and rude as he is, for reasons I don’t even know.

I’ve felt that mean and critical before. I’ve been enraged, bossy, controlling.

Sigh. It may not be absolutely true that he shouldn’t be like that.

I know how I react when I believe the thought that anyone should be different, including MY OWN MIND.

I want order! I command that things go my way NOW!

It’s quite hopeless. Have you ever ordered your own mind to stop being so judgmental? Has it worked?

Who would I be without that thought? Without even being able to think that idea that he shouldn’t be so critical?

I wait, to answer this question. It takes a moment.

Without the thought that for the benefit of all, he should be different?

Dang. That is one mind-altering, crazy different way to look at this.

But I realize, I’d be…..less angry. Lighter. I might move away from him, towards a quieter place under the trees. I might give him a hug and tell him I care about him.

If he pushed me away, I would not take it personally. I might realize he’s feeling the way I’ve felt so many times before. I’d leave him alone.

“It is in the arena of personal relationships that the illusion of a separate self clings most tenaciously and insidiously. Indeed, there is nothing that derails more spiritual seekers than the grasping at and attaching to personal relationships.” ~ Adyashanti

I turn the thoughts around to the opposites: he should NOT stop being the judgy way he’s being, he should keep on doing what he’s doing, I should stop being the way I am being when I’m looking at him, I should stop being so critical of myself.

Could I allow my own critical mind, and his critical mind….to be as they are? No need to change them?

No need to fix anything. At all. Whatsoever.

Including my own mental analysis, criticism, judgment and overwhelm.

Inside I feel an inner sobbing, a welling up of release, freedom, letting go, defeat, surrender.

Acceptance of all that is, including criticisms and judgments and Huge Committee Voices that appear to attack the world non-stop, whether in his head or my own.

“All that happiness is already supplied. But the unquestioned mind is so loud, you don’t realize the happiness underneath the mind.” ~ Byron Katie 

Today, if you could really sit with the ultimate turnarounds to the thoughts that generate out like a machine when you’re upset, anxious about the future, disappointed about the past…

….could the opposites be as true, or truer, than your original beliefs?

I am soooo supported, I am ecstatic, I love everything, I’m connected to my mate, my child, the traffic, my friends, everyone’s incredible, I am just so freakin’ accepting, I absolutely love my own mind!

Wow.

I love my own mind?

Why not?

“You know why I care about loving someone? It hurts until I do. I am someone who knows the difference between what hurts and what doesn’t. I discovered what masochism really is, and that discovery left me as someone who loves you…..If you hate me, you hate you. If you love me, you love you.” ~ Byron Katie 

Today, I love my own mind. I love that it is such a busy-bee.

I notice that when I love it, instead of waging war on it for being a judgment machine….

….it gets much, much quieter.

And sort of, well, friendly.

“All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.” ~ Nisargadatta

Much love, Grace

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Breitenbush Retreat and Mini Retreat Deadlines Soon

Two deadlines looming.

That sounds like the beginning of a poem.

The poetry of living with a dramatic, expressive mind using dramatic, expressive language. And noticing time limits approaching.

Deadline #1: Next week, Wednesday April 30th is the last day to register for Breitenbush Hotsprings Retreat and get the Early Bird super low fee for a four-day retreat ($395). June 25-29th.

To register for this luscious time for body, mind, spirit….you must call Breitenbush. You have to actually phone them, the old fashioned way 503-854-3320. 

Deadline #2: May 3rd the last mini retreat for several months. We meet in Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage, limited to ten participants.

Here’s the wonderful thing about both of these retreats:

Contact live and in-person with your inner world, through showing up, making connection, being there, putting your stake in the ground.

One is four hours.

One is four days.

Which one would you like to attend?

And really, have you noticed how dramatic and expressive the voices inside tend to be? Because the word DEADLINE is kind of intense.

I love learning about the origin of words and phrases. “Deadline” was first coined during the Civil War in the US, inside prisons. If a prisoner crossed a certain boundary line past the stockade, the guards were instructed to shoot.

Cross the line (probably headed in the direction of the prison wall) and you were going to be…..well, dead.

Back to earth….and present reality….I have questioned this “deadline” when it comes to retreats, and even the description of it as “looming” and found neither one to be true.

But I have found that making friends with my own thoughts, patterns, conditioning, and all that I have absorbed and assumed to be true…..

…..a matter of life or death of happiness.

Navigating life while also believing in terrible danger, loss, chaos, horror, fear, devastation, and tragedy is very hard.

It feels like death warmed over, as my grandma used to say.

If your own mind aims at you like a guard, every time you approach an invisible line, telling you to step back or you’ll be dead, you might feel very much like you’re trapped in hell.

The way to begin, if you really feel depressed, concerned, anxious, fearful and lost….is to write down everything that you feel upset about.

What’s dangerous? What’s horrifying?

You may have a long list. That’s OK. You may have a short one. That’s OK too.

I hate that we have to die, I hate that my marriage ended, I hate that this world is confusing, I hate that my child suffered, I hate that I lost my previous better life, I hate the absence of money, I hate my own mind, I hate that there are starving banished people, I hate how some people treat others. 

The world is a confusing (or terrible) place.

Now pick just one concept, to begin the process.

It’s hard for the mind to stop and pick just ONE objection.

But that’s where The Work of Byron Katie begins. Self-inquiry has started here in many other forms of inquiry as well, for centuries of human spiritual and existential investigation. Looking at ONE concept or principle at a time.

When I gather together with others, we have a landing place. The runway. We all get on the airplane together. The group energy and intent sets a tone to stay, look together, not to go off on tangents or avoid difficult feelings.

During your inquiry, or afterwards, you may take off.

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~ Pema Chodron

Gathering with others, we build together, even if we don’t know the outcome. We’re on retreat for the purpose of looking at our thoughts, our beliefs, our perceptions of the world.

Nothing has been more life-changing for me that asking if it is true when I believe something troubling.

I might have done this all by myself on a desert island, but despite my occasional plans to go live in a monastery, my life has turned out to be active and of this world.

Retreats happen in the middle of it all. My best investigation has been done in the presence of other investigators.

“Let’s remember why we’re here at retreat: for this amazing opportunity to really look into the core of our own existence, the core of life itself that is so easy to overlook. It’s so easy not to pay attention to it, because it’s not noisy and it’s not clamoring for attention like all the other aspects of the human mind……So we come here to give our attention, our affection, our time. Our most highly prized commodity is our time. Anything or anyone you give your time to shows immediately what is most important.” Adyashanti 

Is it time to join with others for four hours, or four days, to really look into the core of your existence? To break through all the chatter, anger, war, discord and angst keeping you feeling trapped?

If YES, then come, come, wherever you are.

Much love, Grace

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Every Loss Has To Be A Gain

When a beloved furry pet dies, it can feel very sad.

Several people have written me lately about their animal friends dying, and feeling grief, depression, regret.

I haven’t had a pet as an adult…but I understand the welling up of tears and all the thoughts that start to churn that may turn out to feel stressful.

  • I miss him
  • I should have done more with her
  • If only I had known that was his last day
  • her life was too short
  • I could have done better

Funny how when something is “lost” and the life of that animal, or person even, is over….we sometimes want to reach back and grab for more.

More time, more cuddles, more conversations, more intimacy.

A dear inquirer who recently lost a little cat noticed thoughts of guilt entering her mind….

….if I had known she was going to die, I would have let her eat more food and enjoy more pleasures, not been so strict.

Let’s take a look at this difficult thought that can appear with loss of someone you love, whether a pet or a person.

I could have done better. 

Is that true?

Are you sure?

Because you only knew what you knew, in that previous moment. You know a little more now, here in this moment. What if you weren’t supposed to know it back then?

The mind may argue….“but I DID kind of know. I should have paid attention, I should have followed my intuition, I knew I could do better, I could have been more clear, honest, aware, trusting, astute, kind…”

Are you really sure you could have done better? Are you 100% positive that you should have known what you didn’t know, or decided what you didn’t decide?

Many years ago, I became pregnant, and after terrible agonizing, had an abortion.

When asked later in life what I believed to be the absolute worst thing I had ever done, the thing I felt most guilt about…..it was that.

I had never known prior to that experience what post-traumatic stress syndrome might be like. I was beside myself with grief and regret. I was sick for days. It stayed with me for a decade. I was shocked by my own dreadful thoughts towards myself. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for years.

One of the first Byron Katie events I ever went to, a woman stood up and said it out loud. She regretted having an abortion.

I still felt so much shame, I couldn’t believe this woman told the same story, publicly, holding a microphone!

But as Katie asked her to question her beliefs, to do The Work, something shifted inside about this thing called “regret”.

In the dictionary, regret is defined as the sorrow about the loss of opportunity.

Ah, there’s the rub.

The image of the future or past (which is actually false and does not exist) where opportunity lives, or used to live.

Now, not only is this life lost, but this imagined and vivid alternate opportunity. The one where the person or animal I care about is alive, or happy.

Over and over again, in the distant past, I imagined the birthdate, the gender, the life of this child that never was.

Deep torture.

Who would I be without that thought, that I could have done better?

“You can’t let go of a stressful thought, because you didn’t create it in the first place. A thought just appears. You’re not doing it. You can’t let go of what you have no control over. Once you’ve questioned the thought, you don’t let go of it, IT lets go of YOU. It no longer means what you thought it meant.” ~ Byron Katie

Imagine who you would be without the belief that you could have done better. Because it’s possible that what you’re thinking NOW is imagination, too.

Without that thought?

Freedom, acceptance for this self that is beyond knowing. Peace far, far past all the stuff I think.

A great feeling of everything being exceptionally well and very strange and mysterious.

I turn the thought around: I could not have done any better. I did the best I possibly could.  

How could that be truer?

I can find how that experience drew me into such suffering that the equal and opposite breaking-free became possible. I contemplated short lives, and noticed that every length of life you could ever imagine happens here on planet earth….from a few hours to over 100 years.

I don’t have three children to take care of, I can focus on two.

“Clinging creates the bricks and mortar with which we build a conceptual self.” ~ Michael Singer 

I gave that entity a gift of very little agonizing and suffering, and a return to a place without bodies…somewhere I’ll be again one day.

My life has been filled with so much, this life has not been empty because another life “left” it.

“Every loss has to be a gain, unless the loss is being judged by a confused mind….The simple truth of it is that what happens is the best thing that can happen.” ~ Byron Katie 

What is the gain, in your life?

Much love, Grace

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What To Do About Annoying Interruptions

May 3rd: mini retreat in Seattle, 1:30-5:30 pm at Goldilocks Cottage. Mini retreats offer a power-packed in-depth investigation of a situation you find faulty in your life. You’ll look at what you are against and take it through the four questions. Everyone welcome. You can earn 4 CEUs if you’re a mental health professional. 

Speaking of power-packed in-depth investigations…

The three Year of Inquiry (YOI) groups have been coming up with such juicy, brilliant concepts for questioning. Very universal (they all are, really).

But yesterday morning, we looked at a moment everyone in this world has probably experienced, with varying degrees of disturbance.

Your Peace. Interrupted.

By that other person entering the building, coming home early, yelling loudly, shouting in the crowd, calling you when you’re busy, stopping by unexpectedly, turning on the TV, asking you for something.

Kids, spouses, partners, friends, strangers.

Humans can interrupt you at any time, any moment!! It’s a mine field out there!! Escape for the hills!

The type of interruption we observed was the kind where someone is friendly, exuberant even (one YOI member was investigating her thoughts about a puppy), cute, interested in you, innocent….

…someone you love, who you care about and often spend time with.

Except not right now.

I’m BUSY!! JEEZ!!

Can’t you see I’m trying to “fill-in-the-blank”? (Write, read, meditate, answer emails, talk to someone else).

That little split second of a moment when you want to shut them down, annoyed, angry, wanting to un-do this disturbing moment.

But who would you be without the thought that you are truly disturbed?

Without the thought that having no choice in that moment is a bad thing?

“In most cases, you have no right to demand that this person live up to your expectations; someone else in your place would be exposed to this behavior and would experience no annoyance at all. Just contemplate this truth….How foolish of  you to demand that someone else live up to standards and norms programmed into you.” ~ Anthony de Mello

This does not mean that you never speak up, never make requests. You may move yourself into more pleasant surroundings. There will be a most loving approach, all the way around.

Turning the thought around: My peace is not interrupted.

My peace is never interrupted.

Can you find where this could be truer?

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

Don’t read this as a way you are not measuring up….simply notice, contemplate.

Can you let one tiny part of your resistance go? Even just a little teensy eensy bit may make a huge difference next time.

You never know.

Much love, Grace

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Doing The Work On Yourself

A very sincere inquirer contacted me to renew a series of sessions doing The Work recently.

She’s done the School for The Work, she has deep appreciation for and experience in examining her mind using the four questions.

But she had a dilemma, something I’ve heard from others, not just this caring woman.

How do I do The Work on myself?

Because, she said, I “get” that the process of observing my world and feeling upset has to do with stressful thinking….

….but the stressful thoughts inside my mind are all about me, not others.

If you think this from time to time, (or all the time) you are certainly not alone.

“Most of us have been pointing our criticism and judgments at ourselves for years, and it hasn’t solved anything yet…..It is extremely difficult to judge yourself. Some of us are very invested in our identifications; our ideas about ourselves–how we should look, how we should feel, what we should or shouldn’t be doing–are so strong that we may not be able to answer the four questions and do the turnarounds honestly.” ~ Byron Katie

I always recommend finding incidents and people who you really feel hurt by, because noticing your thoughts about these situations and relaxing them, allowing them to be, even turning them around to the opposite, can be deeply empowering.

But if you use your answers to slap yourself and get meaner than ever….maybe doing The Work on what you think about the universe, your mind, your thoughts, or your feelings can be very enlightening.

Start by making a list about what you hate about yourself. Be specific, be clear.

Here’s what the inquirer I worked with today found:

  • I’ll never succeed
  • I can’t stop being anxious (and I should stop)
  • My sleep patterns are ridiculous, I can’t sleep at the right time
  • This depression goes on and on, without change
  • Where is God? Not here!
  • My situation is hopeless, I want to give up
  • I’m a burden to all the people who love me

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Even one of these thoughts will make you crawl under the covers, or sob, or wish you were dead.

I remember feeling this way myself.

At the end of my rope. Totally defeated.

Let’s take a look at some of these thoughts (like I did with my client).

Is it true that this situation is completely and totally hopeless? Are you sure you’re a burden to everyone who encounters you? Can you be certain that you should stop being anxious, and that your depression has lasted too long?

Yes. Double yes.

Sigh.

Even if you know this to be absolutely true for you….notice how you react and what happens next for you, when you believe these kinds of thoughts.

I feel soooo tired. More depressed. Desperate, isolated, fragmented. Against my mind, thinking there is something wrong with me and my brain, and that life isn’t supposed to be this way.

Angry, imploded. In the past, I might want to drink a lot, smoke, or eat even when not hungry. I’d avoid other people. Very introverted.

So who would you be without these kinds of terrible, painful thoughts?

Without the thought that your situation is hopeless, who would you be?

Listening. Taking one step. Going outside. Stopping. Looking. Waiting until you’re moved to go where you go.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I always succeed (the “I” that is eternal)
  • I can stop being anxious (and I shouldn’t stop until I do)
  • My sleep patterns are what they are, there is no right time or way to sleep (comparing is very stressful)
  • This depression does NOT go on without change
  • God is here
  • My situation is not hopeless, I don’t want to give up
  • I’m NOT a burden to all the people who love me, I’m a burden to myself

I can find the truth in all of these turnarounds….but here is one profound idea: YES, this is quite hopeless, but that is NOT a bad thing, it’s a good thing.

I know it’s weird.

The first time ever that I talked with Adya on a longer meditation retreat, I went up to the microphone. Not too shy to speak and ask a question. I was burning with curiosity.

I surprised myself by standing at the mic, and not being able to talk. Like the words got caught inside my throat, and stuck…and then tears welled up.

All I said at first, after some silence and trying to control my choking up was “I’ve tried everything….”

(Honestly, I now don’t believe that was even true, but it was good I believed that at the time, haha).

Adya said “Congratulations”.

Wait. What?

Oh.

Hopeless. Oh.

Nothing I can do. Nothing possible to do to get out of this situation, not really. Wow.

It does take some pressure off. You know?

“When you realize the truth, then you know that this truth is not fooling around. This truth wants you, and it wants your life, and it’s going to devour you and eat you up for dinner. The truth is not playing games.” ~ Adyashanti 

When you feel like all the thoughts that plague you are about yourself, about your mind, your feelings, your way of thinking, your mood….then go for it. Be there.

You can call the Help Line at www.thework.com and receive facilitation on your thoughts.

If I could do this inquiry, so can you, so can you.

“Waking up is like dying. Dying to the past. Dying to the known. Dying to all your thoughts, ideas and beliefs. Dying to who and what you think you are. Dying to all hope of something better. Dying to everything. Letting go of every attempt to hold on. Losing everything that can be lost and discovering what remains.” ~ Joan Tollifson (joantollifson.com)

Much love, Grace

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Your Ancestors Judgments Were Perfect For You

Yesterday I gathered with many family members to share, celebrate, and uphold tradition that has been a part of our family for many generations.

Everyone’s got traditions like that. We get together (or we don’t) and it happens like this.

One thing I love about my amazing and very big family is how much they’ve changed since I began to question my thinking.

Ha ha!

I used to think they were critical, competitive and harsh. I knew they loved me, and cared about me deeply.

But I’d get sort of “prepared” when on the way to family events.

You know, kind of bolster up for probing questions, uncomfortable exchanges, annoying mannerisms.

People get hurt at those big family dinners, have you noticed?

The thing is….now, when I observe my family both in the present and in the past….they come out looking pretty freakin’ incredible.

They are generous, caring, creative, fascinating, supportive, curious, kind, direct and hilarious….just about everything I ever wanted a family to be.

And these are the SAME PEOPLE I used to feel a little frightened of, as a “group”.

Gosh. What changed?

Uh, yah. That would be me.

Family is one of the most intriguing places for inquiry ever.

People come to work with me all the time on family, and specific members of the family. These people drive them bonkers.

Here is a very common thought about family, that I used to believe, whole-heartedly 100%!

“My family judges me”…..and they shouldn’t.

“Honey, this is insanity. People should stop judging people? What planet do you think you’re on? Make yourself at home here, it’s the opposite. You come to planet earth, you judge. It’s a nice place to visit once you get the ground rules down…..who would you be without the thought that you want your parents (family) to stop judging? Playing with a full deck.” ~ Byron Katie 

Who would you be without that thought?

Stunned, it’s so different.

Not opposing what is.

There they are, being that way, being who they are and saying what they say, asking those questions, making those statements, sounding judgmental, worried, skeptical, doubtful, critical….

….without the ability to think they shouldn’t be?

Oh how exciting!

Seriously.

My family is so incredible, they have prepared me for the most perfect journey through this lifetime.

“When you find yourself being challenged, you will find yourself becoming more alert – like the light is being turned up. That’s wonderful, because then it means that whatever the challenge may be, its function is to push you into intensified Presence.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even my ancestor’s history, generations back, without the belief that they should be any different than they have been?

Relaxed, unencumbered, unburdened.

“Finally, you realize that you really don’t want to change anybody, not because you shouldn’t want to change them, because you just don’t. You might not want to be around everyone, but still you don’t want to change them.” ~ Adyashanti

Right now, in this moment, I turn the thoughts around: I judge my family, I judge myself….okay. 

That’s the way of it. Judging happens. Opinions happen.

Love happens….unconditionally. Once I dropped my expectations, things became better than I ever imagined possible.

And hanging out with family became a highlight of my life. They rock.

Much love,

Grace

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Procrastination Exists Only In The Mind

Have you ever noticed considering something new, different, exciting, interesting, even healing and beneficial for you…

….sometimes an inclination appears to put off trying it, or doing it, or finishing it?

You get introduced to a new dance class, someone invites you to an event, you drive by a big state-of-the-art new gym every day and wonder what its like inside, he tells you about changing his diet, you hear about The Work or a supportive kind of therapy, you’ve always wanted to learn a creative art form, you’d love to have that closet all cleaned out and new shelves….

All these ideas come along and you might think “that sounds great, I could use that, I’m sure it would be fun, it could change my life”.

And then you keep going about your business, your life, your day-to-day activity.

Without trying the thing you heard about.

Even though something inside said “yes”. A little tug inside saying “go that way”. An intuition. Attraction. Interest.

For a year now I’ve had a thought appear: go to yoga. I’ve googled yoga studios in my neighborhood. I love stretching. You stretch in yoga. It could help my hamstring.

Fairly frequently, someone comes to do The Work with me because of their procrastination. They know what to do, how to do it, and yet….they don’t.

Oh the mental torment that can rise up out of the non-doing.

You should stop doing what you’re doing and go complete that task. You should get this done. What’s wrong with you? Are you lazy? Is there something missing here? Why aren’t you movin, dang-it?! Just do it.

But let’s stop and take a look at this experience and see what can be discovered, without all that noisy judgment.

Because that mean voice, even when very critical, doesn’t really seem to make much difference….in case you haven’t noticed.

You should be doing that other thing, you should be doing it by now, you’re waiting too long. 

Is that really true?

No. I’m not doing yoga (yet). Nor have I finished my book proposal that I said I’d have done by March. But I really can’t know that it should have been done by now.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that it shouldn’t be done by now. Because it isn’t! Ha ha.

Even if you said “yes” and you’re SURE you should have done that thing by today, this moment, when you’re reading this….

….answer this next question….

Who would you be without this belief?

Without thinking it’s true that you should have done “x” by now, or there is something WRONG because you haven’t?

Wow, it feels spacious. Empty. Open and accepting.

Without the thought that it is better to do it than not do it….there is simply this moment, with activity inside of it, and vast space permeating through everything, even thoughts.

“Spiritual people can be some of the most violent people you will ever meet. Mostly, they are violent to themselves. They violently try to control their minds, their emotions, and their bodies. They become upset with themselves and beat themselves up for not rising up to the conditioned mind’s idea of what it believes enlightenment to be. No one ever became free through such violence.” ~ Adyashanti

Noticing that the voice that lists what you should have accomplished by now, or done yesterday, or push yourself to do tomorrow, has a bossy tone.

Violence.

Turn the thoughts around about so-called procrastination. There is nothing that needs to be done by me right now, or before, or later. There is nothing required. There are no MUST DOs in this moment.

Here now is good enough, with or without action.

“If you want to understand stress, begin by realizing that you carry around with you your own set of preconceived notions of how things should be.” ~ Michael Singer

You, and me, and every living thing is here, good enough, right now…without having to add anything more, or finish a task.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required.” ~ Byron Katie

In this moment now, I feel so free about what I try or don’t try, no books necessary to read anymore in this moment, nothing expected to get done, no new thing important to add, no grabbing, no plans, no goals….

….and strange, there is writing happening, and a book getting finished, appointments being made, sweet client connections happening, applications being completed, gas tanks getting filled, grocery stores entered, water drunk, marketing plan created, kitchen swept…

All in a very great stillness. Nothing necessary.

Isn’t it exciting to have none of that stuff done yet, if it isn’t?

Much love, Grace