Month: September 2014

Posted on

How Do You Know You Don’t Need To Know Why?

whywhywhyOne of the most common questions people have when looking at something very troubling (or even mildly disturbing) in life is WHY?

Why did that happen?

What was the cause?

Why did I act the way I acted, why did he/she do what they did? Why did she feel that way? Why did I feel that way? Where did this come from? Why is it going the way it’s going? What’d I do?

It’s like there’s this huge thirst to understand, to comprehend our nature, or other people’s reasons for doing what they do….

….but can we really find peace in knowing why?

Today in the Relationships Hell To Heaven class, that’s what we were investigating.

I need to know why “x” happened.

Yeah! It’s absolutely true!

If I knew why she dropped our friendship, if I knew why he was so mean, if I knew why he didn’t think our relationship was enough for him, if I knew why that happened to me, if I knew why life has turned out like this, if I knew why I got cancer, if I knew why I had so little money, if I knew why she said that….

....I’d be happier.

Are you sure?

Oh.

Not really.

How do you react when you believe you need to know why…and you don’t know 100% why something is the way it is?

I HATE NOT KNOWING! Argggh!

Participants in the group inquiry yesterday looked closely at how they felt when they believed they needed to know why something went the way it did:

Angry, frustrated, ruminating on the problem, driving their car in silence and rehashing what went on in the past, analyzing.

Who would you be, though, if you couldn’t believe you need to know why, order to be truly happy?

It’s one of those bizarre ideas, noticing who I’d be without the belief that I need to know why anything is the way it is.

Like my mind tries to go down an alley, or an interesting coldesac, or down a hole, or on a journey into space, but there’s no answer….

….and it’s OK that there’s no answer.

Full stop. No need to know why in order to be happy?

Yes.

I notice I have no idea why this world is the way it actually seems, why life is like *this*, why I am alive, why I was born, why the wind blows.

In my family growing up, my parents used to play music all the time. One album they put on regularly was by the singer Odetta who was popular in the 1960s and beyond. She had a fabulous song, a variation on a tune written by Woody Guthrie, I loved since I was about five called “Why Oh Why?”

The song is the sweetest moment of a child’s bedtime.

The child asks in the song….Why is the sky so blue? Why oh why oh why?

The parent answers “…because, because, because, because… goodnight, goodnight.”

“While there is nothing to fear about our natural state of infinite Being, such a state is beyond the ego’s ability to understand, and as always, egos fear whatever they do not understand and cannot control. As soon as our identity leaves the ego realm and assumes its rightful place as the infinite no-thing-ness/every-thing-ness of awareness, all fear vanishes in the same manner as when we awaken from a bad dream.” ~ Adyashanti

Deep breath.

I turn the thought around: I don’t need to know why, if I don’t.

Isn’t that lighter, more free, rather funny even?

“How do I know that I don’t need what I want? I don’t have it.” ~ Byron Katie

I don’t have the answer.

Turns out, I don’t need an answer.

Wow! Can you find it?

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Powerless Over Your Thinking? The Steps To Freedom

In preparing to teach the most in-depth version so far I’ve ever taught of Eat In Peace, I’ve been reviewing tons of personal notes I’ve kept about addiction. I’ve read so many articles, books, graduate school curriculum on addiction, I have volumes of information.

My favorite!

Over thirty years ago I had a thirst to understand my own behavior burning in me like fire. So determined. So passionately desperate. Willing to learn, do, investigate anything in order to find balance, to find peace.

One incredible thing I noticed over time, listening to others and working with people now for quite a few years, is that humans often feel an intense craving to do anything it takes to find peace, whether they have a severe addiction to something….or not.

It’s not so much the “thing” or “substance” or “activity” itself that’s so upsetting….

….it’s the feeling of not being at home, not feeling settled, not quite feeling relaxed, or trusting, or comfortable with life.

It doesn’t matter if you overeat, over-exercise, drink too much, smoke, consume too much caffein, shop for things you don’t need, get glued to your computer, or work mega-hours with no free time….

….It’s the misunderstanding of that deep urge to do something escapist that hurts most of all.

Being a whatever-a-holic hurts.

It feels like gremlins came in and took over your brain.

Brainwashed!

The word brainwashed comes from China originally when during the Maoist regime in the 1950s the government used interrogation and coercion with prisoners of war, or even the people, to get them to support the dictatorship.

If we say someone is brainwashed, we think they’re not in control of their own mind…they’re believing false thoughts.

They’re bonkers!

Oh. Wait. Um.

Did you say….”they are believing false thoughts”?

Heh heh.

I’ve believed thoughts ALL THE TIME that weren’t really true. Like, every day. The mind is chattering away commenting on everything, and its hardly ever got the whole, complete, peaceful picture.

Even if you’ve never been an “addict” of any kind, you may notice this to be the case!

“Is it working? That’s the first fundamental insight into any addiction. ….I have never met anyone who was addicted to anything until they really came to grips with ‘this is not working’. And almost everybody is an addict. Everybody is addicted to thinking.” ~ Adyashanti

So the great question, is my thinking working for me? Or am I brainwashed?

DOH!

There’s good news though.

A dictatorship government didn’t do the brainwashing. It just happened. You didn’t know about questioning your thoughts.

You thought your mind was the one in control of everything. You thought you were running your life and that you’re the boss of it.

You aren’t.

“Your mother said ‘it’s a tree.’ You said, ‘okay’. She said ‘it’s a sky’. You said ‘sky…I’ll go with that.’ She told you your name, and you said, ‘okay’. And you never asked you.” ~ Byron Katie

Phew!

Who would you be without believing your stressful thoughts?

Even as you begin to crave consuming that thing, that person, that place, that substance, that activity you return to over and over again.

If you didn’t have this escape hatch in place (notice you aren’t really escaping anyway, I know its a bummer, but its true)….

….who would you BE? What would you DO instead? How would you FEEL?

Paraphrased and gathered from the 12 steps of AA, here’s what I found as a way to free yourself from being addicted to believing everything you think:

Grace’s Steps To Freedom

Admit you are powerless over your thinking. Notice how your life is actually not managed by you.

It’s run by something much bigger, vaster and mysterious. Call it God/Source/Silence/Tao if you want, but naming it isn’t necessary, only realize that it is inside of you and you are inside of it.

Recognize that It is here, and has been here since you can remember, whether you were being an addict or sleeping or suffering or going about your daily business. Realize also that you are not in charge of reality. Have you noticed?

Examine your mind. Question every thought, especially the ones that feel terrifying or uncomfortable. Talk to other people about what you really think, and what you’re aware of. Be honest. You are connected.

Open your hands up instead of making fists. Feel how sincere you are about relaxing, and getting what’s going on around here, and let go.

Make amends and clean up the stuff you feel like doo-doo about from the past. Do The Work on all of it. Be chill about it, don’t go overboard (that would be believing you were maybe more horrible than you really were).

Admit you’re wrong if you freak someone out or get pissy.

Practice inquiry all the time. Meditate. Feel the silence. Notice how awake you are!

Spread the love (and there’s nothing required)!

“The Tao is always at ease. It overcomes without competing, answers without speaking a word, arrives without being summoned, accomplishes without a plan.” ~ Tao Te Ching #73

If you want to get first dibs on joining Eat In Peace which will begin at the end of October for 3 months, where we’ll practice understanding how what we think leads to a troubling relationship with food–and how to undo it–then make sure you’re on the list.

Click HERE to follow the instructions to opt-in (you can unsubscribe any time) and you’ll be getting information in a few days.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Cast Out Your Fear, With Inquiry

Before inquiry…a few very quick announcements:
  • Tomorrow in Seattle 9/28 at my cottage 4-6 pm meetup doing The Work. Beginners to experienced, all welcome. I supply materials and handouts, $10 but if you don’t have it, come anyway. Hit reply for more information. You must RSVP.
  • Mini retreat Seattle 10/4 1:30-5:30 pm learning The Work from start to finish, with the chance to learn facilitation too. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals. $70 includes snacks, tea and materials.
  • Last chance to get on the special Eat In Peace mailing list for the coming new program beginning at the end of October, a deep look at how to transform food and eating from mean to friendly. Click here to get on the early bird list.
*******

Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we wrapped up our month of September topic on Family of Origin. Those people who influenced us early on.

Hi Mom! Hi Dad!

Sometimes inquirers in the group have another person in theircurrent lives who bugs them instead. I always encourage them to follow their feelings and do The Work on that other person…you never know when the troubling person might actually be like mom, or dad, or brother, or sister.

We looked at the thought “that person shouldn’t scare me”.

Holy smokes…how many times have I thought this?

When I really think about it, I’ve been extremely upset with being scared.

Not only should people not scare me, but the weather shouldn’t scare me, dogs shouldn’t scare me, the future shouldn’t scare me, the past shouldn’t scare me, loud noises shouldn’t scare me, dreams shouldn’t scare me, other peoples’ stories shouldn’t scare me….

…..this entire world shouldn’t ever, ever scare me!!

I hate being scared. Who doesn’t?

But.

Let’s pause a moment, shall we?

What if fear, apparently, exists…and you allowed it to be here?

Who would you be, or what would that be like for you, if you didn’t feel afraid of feeling afraid?

It seems tiny, like a little thing.

You’d still be afraid, just not afraid of being afraid. So what’s the big deal? It’s all still hard, terrible, difficult, sad, and….well….frightening!

No….I don’t want to imagine not being afraid of being afraid. I want to have NO FEAR WHATSOEVER.

That’s what the mind will think about fear. It will try to help you find safety, to find solid ground. It’s doing its best.

Trouble is when I’ve been afraid of feeling afraid….things don’t exactly go smoothly.

Who would you be without the thought that the thing or person or place or incident shouldn’t scare you?

Weird.

But then, a little compassion for myself enters. I feel tender towards myself, like it’s OK to be afraid. Gentle to myself. Soothing.

As I turn the thought around…how could it be true or truer that the person in question should scare me?

Well….they were suggesting images of a terrible, worrisome future. They were frightened themselves, and I was connected to them. They wanted me to be careful, to not get hurt. They cared about me. They cared about themselves. They felt threatened.

“To depend on another psychologically–to depend on another emotionally–what does that imply? It means to depend on another human being for my happiness. Think about that. Because if you do, the next thing you will be doing, whether you’re aware of it or not, is demanding that other people contribute to your happiness. Then there will be a next step–fear, fear of loss, fear of alienation, fear of rejection, mutual control. Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency.” ~ Anthony DeMello

What if I was not crushed, terrified, destroyed by feeling fear?

I notice I haven’t been so far. I’m still alive.

Right?

Maybe the biggest turnaround is….

…I shouldn’t scare myself, and use other people to do it!

I shouldn’t take them so seriously. I should notice how I’ve made it so far (I haven’t died from too much fear). I’ve learned a lot in fearful situations.

“Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Posted on

The Crack Is Where The Light Gets In

eruption_mount_st_helens_05-18-80When I was in my late teens, I discovered that people wrote books about recovering from suffering, finding peace, faith, understanding why we’re here, the meaning of life.

Before that, I thought all books were stories!

(Ha ha, you could say they all ARE stories, no matter what they’re about!)

One of the first authors who came across my world when I discovered people sharing their knowledge about life was M. Scott Peck who wrote The Road Less Traveled in 1978. I came across it when everyone was talking about it, maybe two years later.

Perfect timing for me….I just dropped out of college because of having a huge existential crisis about why I was there, what college was for, where I was going, and how to get rid of my horrible anxiety about it all.

And Mt. St. Helens had just blown up in my home state, too.

My way of handling all the stress was to think and plan and panic, kind of like somebody flailing about as they fall through open sky off a cliff.

The way I would relieve myself was to eat, eat, eat excess amounts of food. Then I’d relieve that activity by running and biking for miles and miles, or throwing up. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by sleeping and feeling depressed. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by thinking, analyzing and feeling anxious about something. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by eating….

….go back to jail, do not collect $200 (like the game of monopoly, without winning).

It got bad enough that I couldn’t concentrate on my classes anymore, or the text books we were reading. I didn’t like being graded, either. Too skittish about other peoples’ opinions, including my professors.

Oh, to have had more clear self-inquiry back then….

….but I also see it went the way it needed to go, in just the right order and timing.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeing deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ~ M. Scott Peck

Who would you be without the belief that the time you remember in the past that was horrible and rotten, unfair and difficult…was all for nothing?

When Scott Peck spoke at the University of Colorado at Boulder when I lived near there, I immediately signed up to see him.

He may have been one of the first speakers I ever saw who was not playing music or acting on stage. He was just sharing his wisdom, over years of having conversations with people about their deepest woes.

I remember sitting in the audience and thinking “Wait. He’s a regular person! He has cigarettes in his front shirt pocket! What’s that all about!?”

Right then, I discovered that I had no idea what wisdom looked like. I had no idea what freedom really meant. I didn’t know what was really good or bad, right or wrong…all of it was all mixed up together and my thinking couldn’t sort it all out with firm answers.

I knew that Scott Peck was very imperfect, but he was a brilliant author and he helped many people, including me.

Who would you be without the belief that you have to have it all together, do it “right”, be good, even eat a certain way in order to be acceptable and worthy, in order to feel peace?

Whew.

I notice that what happened for me is…I stopped smoking cigarettes in my twenties because they made me feel like crap and being dominated by something like tobacco pissed me off (my own mind was bad enough, and I had a rebellious streak).

I stopped binge-eating because it slowly fell away as I studied my own anxiety and became as honest as possible about who I really was in any given moment, with or without food.

Slowly but surely, it seems my thoughts are less and less important because when I look at them directly, it’s hard to believe they are true.

But even when I believe them….and even if you believe yours….

….there is something OK, unknown, mysterious and beyond-you about it.

Keep going.

You don’t have to be perfect to be wise.

Neither do the people around you.

“Ring the bells that still can ring 
Forget your perfect offering 
There is a crack in everything 
That’s how the light gets in.” 

~ Leonard Cohen

If you’re interested in the upcoming Eat In Peace program, a 12 week journey of understanding our relationship to eating, food and our bodies….click HERE to get on the early-bird list for more information which is coming very soon.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Do You Know The Difference Between Ghost Hunger And Real Hunger?

One of the first places I experienced deep, horrible, shameful suffering was in the way I ate.

It all started pretty young for me.

I remember “knowing” that people were “good” when they ate salad, broccoli and apples, and “bad” when they ate half a pizza, candy, or big bowls of ice cream.

I was eight.

Slowly the building blocks of beliefs came together to make a perfect storm of being freaked out around eating.

The culture and society praising thin, parents having wildly high expectations of themselves and of me, the beliefs that big feelings were to be shoved under the carpet or you’d make a fool outta yourself, and the incredible comfort of eating food.

Put that all together and you’ve got fear, anger, sadness, and more fear.

It took some heavy work and amazing encounters with wise teachers, and learning to be really honest, to find my freedom.

After a few years went by, people began to ask me about my recovery, how it happened, what it was like….and could I help.

I was hesitant.

It was trickier than I thought.

Fast forward after many years of insight, awareness, reading, learning, a master’s degree, group therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, and finding The Work of Byron Katie….

….and I loved the simplicity of identifying all those beliefs I had as an eight year old kid and a teenager, and questioning if they were really true.

My first telecourse to help break apart the pattern of eating too much or too little, of dieting or obsessing or freaking out about food, was in 2010.

I kept updating it, noticing what worked, what didn’t work, what helped, what didn’t help.

I’ve taught the course 21 times.

The last time I offered Eating Peace was nine months ago.

I’ve been waiting to roll it out again, because I’ve been researching, writing, and compiling piles of information about what’s been missing in supporting people to get to freedom around food.

I surveyed and interviewed almost everyone who participated in the last group…

…and some who participated in classes even before that one…

…and I learned some very important things.

People understood how to question their thinking, they learned how to relax more with food, they felt more self-acceptance in their bodies, they could question some of those big weird beliefs like “I should be thin to be loved” or “I have a problem with food” and turn these thoughts around…

BUT…

…only a few participants felt permanent change in their daily relationship to food and eating, or their bodies.

Sometimes, participants felt enormous relief and flooded with peace. They wouldn’t feel like eating so much, they might not even start a binge.

Then a few days would go by, or a few weeks or months…and the urge to eat would appear again with a vengeance.

Here’s what I found, if you are someone who’s experienced ANY kind of ongoing addictive pattern where you use SOMETHING to alter your mood, whether food, sex, shopping, smoking, drinking, facebooking, whatever…..

….This is all about your beliefs about you, and your conflicted feelings about safety, power, rest, love, sadness, satisfaction, hunger, fullness, independence, aloneness and who you really are.

What I have found by studying myself and other people is, the only way to get to the bottom of the compulsion for food when you are not actually hungry, or the compulsion to starve yourself when you are…

…is to catch that very moment–it speeds by so fast it’s like a flicker of something on a movie screen–before you feel like consuming or exercising or DOING something.

It’s whatever is there that says “I cannot stand being in this moment, I have to do SOMETHING, I don’t feel good.”

There are simple ways to begin to find out how to identify ghost hunger from real hunger, and to stop mistrusting yourself and treating yourself so meanly.

I’m going to dive in again with a group to not only investigate the mind, but also to investigate feelings….maybe even feel them.

It does take practice and it’s a process, not an instant fix.

One thing I learned about the teleclass was that 8 weeks is a great introduction, but it’s not enough time.

We’re going to meet for twice that time. For four months, I’m going to help you get clear about this Food Thing, and practice relaxation.

We’ll practice Being….and Doing Nothing….when it comes to this “problem” with food, this problem you may have had for almost all your life, give or take a day or two.

Here’s the good news:

The mind can be your friend to investigate food, eating, craving, compulsion, powerlessness, discouragement, emptiness, and fear.

If you would like to be on the early-bird list to learn about this new program for making friends with food, eating and your body…

…then click here.

If you have a friend or a family member or colleague who you think would like to be on the list for the upcoming news for Eat In Peace, please click here to forward this Grace Note to them: Blue.

I can’t wait to work with everyone who signs up.

Freedom from thinking and feeling bad about food is possible for everyone.

Even you. Especially you.

“Imagine not being frightened by any feeling. Imagine knowing that nothing will destroy you. That you are beyond any feeling, any state. Bigger than. Vaster than. That there is no reason to use drugs because anything a drug could do would pale in comparison to knowing who you are.” ~ Geneen Roth

Much love, Grace

Posted on

They Should Stop Telling That Bad Story

WhatToDoWithComplainers
Ever think someone should stop telling that troubling story?

People write to me sometimes to ask if I’ll write on a specific topic: parenting, love, jealousy, divorce, sibling rivalry.

Just yesterday an inquirer wrote asking me to write about other people who go on and on telling sad, difficult or terrible stories.

What to do?

I loved the image that came to my mind that she described of her having to listen to a woman in her classroom, while kids were on a PE break, telling “her whole life story of difficulty.”

We’ve all had that kind of moment.

There you are, listening to someone speak. They are telling you how awful it’s been for them, how unfortunate, how they were hurt and never could recover, how hard their lives.

I hear many people speak of difficulties, and it’s actually easy and touching for me. But what’s the difference when you get that sensation of never-ending darkness, difficulty, victimhood and your ears and eyes start to glaze over.

I suddenly remembered a co-worker from many, many years ago.

Here she would come, around the corner holding her coffee mug. At first, it had been fun to connect and talk about what seemed to be deep issues, important ideas, personal topics, difficult or sticky encounters at home, with neighbors, in childhood.

But now, inside….I wasn’t feeling so compassionate, connected and interested.

Oh no. Here she comes. Here comes the sob story.

If you’ve had this kind of encounter…..what are the thoughts really saying, what is your resistance saying, what are you trying to do when you have this urge to put up a shield and Not Hear One More Word?

Here’s what I found was under the surface when I wanted to push a button and have the Cone of Silence come down over my head when I saw that co-worker walking down the hall towards my cubicle:

  • I wish she felt better, because then I would feel better
  • I can’t be honest with her or I’ll make it worse and hurt her more
  • I’m very sad she’s had such trouble, and it’s difficult to hear about because I don’t know how to help and I SHOULD know
  • I’m terrified of victims, their story seems so hopeless
  • When I hear this sad story, I feel sad because people should have happy lives
  • The world is a cruel place
  • Some people here on planet earth become weak, lost, tragic failures….and I’m afraid to be near them because it scares me
I once had a very good friend who was in graduate school for psychology. She told me about a lecture she heard that day.

A professor said that depression, fear, rage and negativity are contagious….just like happiness, optimism, joy and love.

Well, duh, I thought.
You can see or feel that when you walk in any room! If everyone in the room has just been told frightening or horrible news, then someone who doesn’t know who walks in the room will feel the energy like an electric current. If everyone has just learned incredible exciting and joyful news, the room will be alive with that energy!
But what if you questioned your beliefs about what you believe it means, when people receive difficult news? What if you question your thoughts about those victims out there who you encounter?
You may find another option altogether.
Let’s find out.
Is it true that if someone else feels good, I also feel good….or if someone feels bad, I also feel bad? Is it true that I’d feel better if everyone else felt better? Does that mean I want everyone to feel happy, powerful and strong all the time? Do I really need to know what to do when super crazy horrible things happen to people? Is there little hope for a happy future, when people have awful tragedies in their lives?
Hmmm. It seems to be the case. It seems like being around joyful people is easier, more fun, and that it lights me up. When I’m talking with a sad, upset, disappointed, grief-stricken person how I used to feel was afraid, nervous.
Kinda like I wanted to ditch out.
As this inquirer confessed, she said she wanted the woman with the sad story to Shut Up!!
Maybe your answer is YES, they should STOP TELLING THAT STORY! Or maybe you answered no, because you’re really not so sure they should.
Who would you be without that thought, no matter what your answer? What if you couldn’t even have the thought that they should stop being that way?
What if it was OK for them to have whatever story they have, whatever complaint they have, whatever tone, idea, or beliefs they have about their lives?
Sort of strange, right?
“I do The Work with you because you think you need it. I don’t have any such thought; I love you just the way you are. That’s what I am to myself. You are my internal life. So your asking is my asking. It’s just me asking myself for my own freedom. This is self-love. It’s perfectly greedy, always.” ~ Byron Katie

How do I know I’m supposed to be hearing the story I’m hearing?

Because I’m hearing it. That’s reality.

  • I feel connected, whole, here, supported…even when someone else feels bad
  • I can be honest with her and say “when I listen to you, part of me is scared or sad because I want everyone to overcome difficulties and I know it’s possible for anyone.”
  • I don’t know how to help, but I can be honest and I can listen
  • She is not a victim, she is hopeful
  • I can feel love and peace, no matter what I hear
  • The world is a wonderful place
  • No one here on planet earth is a weak, lost, tragic failures….including me. It’s only a story we sometimes tell.

How is it a good thing, that this person crosses my path, who feels pain and has a troubling story?

Find out.

That’s the way to not feel like a victim….of those people who are being victims.

“I will always listen deeply to you, but I will never try to fix you, mend you, stop you feeling what you are feeling or give you second-hand, memorized answers. I will never pretend to be the one who knows, the enlightened one. I will not get into drama with you, I will not indulge and feed your stories and mental conclusions and fears, I will not mistake who you are for my story about you, my dream of who you are. But friend, I will meet you in the fires of hell, I will hold your hand there, I will walk with you as far as you need to walk, and not turn away, for you are myself, and in the deepest recesses of our experience we are intimately each other, and we cannot pretend otherwise.” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

Posted on

What If Everyone Loves You?

Yesterday morning Relationship Hell To Heaven started off with a wonderful bang! (There’s still space for one person, by the way, to join us–you could catch up by listening to the first class recording).

Someone offered the thought “he doesn’t get me”.

It occurred to me throughout the rest of the day what a common thought this can be.

That person doesn’t understand me, doesn’t grok me, doesn’t vibrate the same as me.

And the general crowd version of this thought: These Aren’t My People!!

Long ago when I was only 19, I saw a public service ad for Overeaters Anonymous on TV. I felt desperate. Although I had only had a handful of binge-purge episodes, I was haunted day and night by the problem of food and eating.

I called the number.

A sweet woman, who must have been a lot older than me and had kids, started talking about stuff I had never dared or even imagined people could speak about out loud.

She said before going to OA, she would eat everything in sight in the kitchen as she prepared food for her family. She ate a whole pie once, before dinner.

I still remember the feeling during that phone call, feeling like Dorothy when she enters the land of Oz, and the movie becomes sparkling, brilliant, in full living color.

You mean…people can talk about this?

WOW. I thought you were supposed to hide this kind of information from others.

I showed up at the next Overeaters Anonymous meeting I could find and went for several months. I stopped binge-eating. The rooms were full of interesting people. I was making friends who really got me.

And then, I went off to a college study program in Europe, with my newfound knowledge called “talking to other people honestly” and the Big Book of the Twelve Steps.

They didn’t have OA in Italy. They had AA.

I found the English speaking meetings and went. I felt so terrified of losing my new “food” sobriety. I wasn’t bingeing and purging. I was intensely rigid with food. I wouldn’t let one bite, or sniff, of anything with sugar, flour…I can’t remember what other limitations I had, but I learned it from a “diet” plan they offered at OA at the time.

One bite, I was told, could set me off. I must be very careful.

The people in AA of course were different. They quit drinking, or were interested in quitting. I didn’t drink because that was also a part of the OA program of no sugar.

But the AA people would tell stories about hitting their bottom with drinking, going to jail, helping other alcoholics.

I was afraid to talk.

What should I say…that my name is Grace and I’m a food addict? Should I just say I’m an alcoholic, even though that sounds weird and I don’t think I am? What about those couple of times I drank a lot?

Should I say I’m an addict? That would be true…except they might think I’m a drug addict, which would be even farther from the truth since I smoked pot exactly once and detested it.

I don’t fit in! I’m not like the AA people! Oh no! I have to stay on the program!

I would read the AA stories of recovery in the Big Book and actually change the words in someone’s story from “alcohol” and “alcoholic” to something about food.

I didn’t realize it’s all the same. It doesn’t matter. But oh the agony at the time.

They don’t get me.

They’ll think I’m gross, they’ll think I’m sick, they’ll reject me, they’ll be repulsed, they’ll kick me out when they find out I’m not an alcoholic. If only I WAS an alcoholic…that’d be better than bulimic and food-obsessed anyway. Jeez.

Hilarious, really.

Many people in the Relationships group yesterday felt alone, isolated, separated, frightened when they believed that thought.

But who would you be without it?

Without any belief that someone doesn’t get you, it’s sad that they don’t, it’s not possible that they could, you don’t fit in…without that whole story going on who would you be?

So connected, open, joyful it’s hard to describe.

Relating to everyone. Feeling contact with the air, the chair, my body, voices, people, the flow of energy changing and morphing every second, every moment.

I would feel like I could just sit with others, or with one other person, and hum near them, like a little machine, with joy…without even speaking.

Last year I got to go to an AA meeting again after many years.

I loved everyone in that room.

I still had the thoughts that they are looking at me and wondering if I’m OK and who I am and if I need to talk or need their support or if I just drank myself blind the other day or if I’m an old-timer….chattering of stories of wondering what THEY must be thinking about ME.

But that was in the background.

I knew we were all the same.

Humans.

“All things–all beings and all activities, no matter how ordinary–are equal expressions of the Infinite. There is no more or less Infinite, no higher or lower Infinite…..If you could all at once stop believing your dreaming mind and be completely still right in the midst of your present state, the Infinite would effortlessly present itself.

Turn that thought around: they DO get me, everyone gets me…it was me who didn’t get myself before, when I thought they didn’t get me.

I was worried about being different, rejected, unloved, alone, weird, unacceptable.

I forgot I belonged, anywhere. Because that’s where I was.

“When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Posted on

De-fense! De-fense! Are You Hurting You?

If you’re wanting to take the last spot for the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven, which runs for 8 sessions, we start today at 9 am Pacific Time! Reply to this email if this is for you. We meet 9/22 – 11/17 (no class 10/20).

And speaking of relationships from hell.

Have you ever said “no” to someone, or not met their expectations in some way….maybe you disappointed them, or didn’t return their call soon enough, or you weren’t as excited about something as they were.

They sent you a cold email, or a short text, or a brief note that’s not like their usual friendly self.

They are not pleased. You did it wrong.

During this past weekend I got to sit with a wonderful group of inquirers all investigating their thinking about important close relationships, their imperfect bodies, their spiritual practice.

What a spectacular way to spend the weekend, exploring ancient thoughts that hurt.

As another inquirer investigated her thought about feeling a divide between her and one of her best friends, I remembered my good friend Carrie from a really long time ago.

And how it went bad.

Carrie was about six years younger than me, and the difference between age 18 and 24 seemed huge. I felt like her way bigger sister. I worked in the music department of a university where she was a music major.

She started coming in more and more often to the main office. My desk was one of the first ones anybody saw when they walked through the door.

We had fantastic conversations about parents, college, jobs, what happened to her when she was little, her survival of her childhood. It was sweet and intimate, and she could trust me to keep her stories private, and to honor them.

I could.

She graduated and went off to play her saxophone in gigs around town and work as a nanny.

She wrote me a letter. I smiled a big wide smile, very pleased to hear from her.

She sent me a card. I was touched and placed it on my desk.

Then she sent me cute silver carved turtle earrings (I still have them and wear them occasionally).

Wow, what a sweetheart! I called her and left her a message saying Thank You. This was before cell phones. We had answering machines.

In my own personal life, I was pretty miserable. I was frightened. In the middle of receiving Carrie’s communications, I went into inpatient eating disorders treatment. I was there for four weeks. When I came out, I quit my job, and moved back to the city where I grew up.

Then….after quite a few weeks….a not-so-friendly letter arrives at my parent’s house.

You never write back, you never try to contact me, you’ve always got better things to do. You’re not the caring person I thought.  

Carrie felt pissed. Dismissed. Not cared for. Unimportant. Small. Not special.

I felt sad reading that letter.

Too bad I didn’t have the work at the time…it would be many years before I found it.

Because I could have questioned my troubled thinking, and gotten free.

She shouldn’t have impossible expectations. She shouldn’t believe I’m a dismissive person. She shouldn’t be hurt and disappointed. She pressured me. If this is how needy she is, then good riddance. 

De-fense! De-fense! Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap! (Like the cheers at football games, right?)

Is it true she shouldn’t have written that to me?

Is it true she shouldn’t feel pain, be hurt, be upset, see me as a horrible friend and a rotten person?

Yes! She’s expecting too much!

Are you sure?

Who would you be without that belief?

Oh.

You mean without the thought that I was neglectful? Without the belief that she’s wrong about me? Without the belief that she’s too needy? Without the thought I shouldn’t ever disappoint anyone?

Without any of those thoughts, I notice a huge empty space, and relaxation.

I notice a simple inner appreciation for her. I notice sending her love, and then I notice my surroundings. I notice my freedom.

No need to stop everything and rush to anxiously apologize. No need to believe I did it wrong or it went badly. No fear of her anger, her dislike, her disgust or disappointment, her view of me.

“It’s not what people say that upsets us, it’s what we hear that upsets us….The tone of their voice, right? If you really want to know the truth, step in front of a screamer. When someone does that thing with their voice, what’s going in your head about that is the pain you’re feeling, the suffering you’re feeling. An open mind is someone who is hearing, rather than imagining what you’re hearing.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn my thoughts around: I shouldn’t have impossible expectations of her, or of myself. I shouldn’t believe she’s a dismissive person. I shouldn’t be hurt and disappointed. I pressured me. If this is how needy I am, then she’s better off without me. 

Phew.

I realize how much Carrie loved me, how caring and giving she was, how interested she was in me, how much she wanted to be in my life, how close she wanted to be, how honest, strong, passionate she was.

She was more present and proactive towards me, more loving and attentive, than I was about myself!

“Give up defining yourself – to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don’t be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

If you feel unresolved, upset, confused, sad, irritated, stressed, in pain about any relationship….begin to question your beliefs about that person.

You may be surprised at how that person you are upset with is a person in your imagination, not the one you think they are.

If you need support in this….join us tomorrow in the relationship hell to heaven class.

“When you judge another person unkindly, you hurt you.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Posted on

When Future Plans Shift, Dance The Shuffle

My hands are clapping because last night was the first evening of retreat with the Year of Inquiry group. We just started our year together this month. I love everyone in the group so much!

Even the people who can’t travel to Seattle for a weekend because they live far away or had other plans.

Just yesterday, last minute shuffles started happening.

Someone emailed with the news “my mother is not feeling good, and her job was taking care of my kids this weekend…I can’t make it.”

A few hours later, another inquirer sent me her email “My ride fell through”. Another inquirer said “can I come last minute?” even though she’s flying from Nevada.

Yes to everything. Yes.

(By the way, there will be an opening starting next month for one person in Year of Inquiry. We mostly meet on the phone, and there is one optional retreat next spring for everyone who’s ever been in YOI–current participants and alumni–May 15-17, 2015. Write me by hitting reply to this email if you’re interested).

Have you ever had a party, planned a vacation, led a retreat, given a talk, performed on stage, organized a family event….

….and noticed your thoughts along the way are sometimes….

….a little like getting a piece of dust in your eye?

Kind of hurts, but if you just blink enough, it will go away? Sort of irritating and concerning but you just keep going? A little anxiety arising? Perhaps a wave of anxiety grows bigger as the date approaches?

You might know its going the way its going, and its all OK….but if you inquire, you may not even experience that little piece of dust, or any stress whatsoever.

Let’s look at the kinds of thoughts that can be agonizing sometimes about plans to gather people together for anything:

  • not enough people can make it
  • there should be more people
  • there should be fewer people
  • I need to know who is coming
  • if someone cancels, it means it’s not important enough
  • if someone comes last minute, it means they don’t have anything better to do
  • I need everyone to have a fabulous time
  • everything needs to go as I planned…perfectly
I’ve facilitated inquirers through wedding plans, friends frequently canceling for dates, people not showing up, worries about workshops not filling or going wrong.

How do you react when you believe you need to know what will happen? When you believe it needs to look like “x” in order to be really good?

When you think everyone needs to have a perfect, amazing, fantabulous time? When you think people should do everything they can to attend barring natural disasters?

I get up thinking about what I’ll do in the morning. I make lists. I picture what it will look like. I think, with some anxiety, about what I could be missing or what I haven’t included or if I’ve remembered everything, bought everything, printed out everything…THOUGHT of EVERYTHING?

Worry, worry, worry.

Who would you be without the belief that you have to know anything about what your upcoming plans will really look like? Without that thought that you have to do anything MORE than you want to do? Without the belief that you could miss something, or that everyone has to have an amazing time?
Oooooh it’s so much fun!!
Absolutely thrilling really!
No idea what it will look like, but very open, ready, happy, anticipating with joy.
I get on the airplane with my suitcase (and maybe not even that!), I park my car and gather my things and walk into the hall, I prepare food in my kitchen and put out chairs and set out name tags and tea, I send emails to relatives across the country, I click “buy” on the retreat page.
When even one knock comes at the door, I know something wonderful is about to happen.
  • the perfect number of people can make it
  • there should be the exact number of people present
  • I do not need to know who is coming
  • if someone cancels, it means they are supposed to cancel
  • if someone comes last minute, it means they are supposed to come last minute
  • I need only me to have a fabulous time
  • everything needs to go as it goes, and whatever I think or anything thinks, it is just right for this moment, even this moment right now

“The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

In this moment now…I notice there is a most beautiful space in the air around me.
There are voices and smiling people everywhere, people reading, relaxing, looking at their phones. I am sitting in a Starbucks. I just counted 24 people in this room here with me, and I didn’t invite anyone or expect to see any of these people this morning.
A gorgeous song is playing with a guitar through the speakers overhead. The room is bursting with light from floor-to-ceiling windows. The trees outside wave happily in the overcast breeze.
What a spectacular world. I am almost moved to tears with the beauty of it all.
Can you see it?
There is really nothing else to do now, except dance my favorite last-minute shuffle dance.  With people coming and going, people moving in and out and to the left and to the right.
A shuffle to the grocery store and a shuffle to the office depot and a shuffle to make copies and a shuffle to the gym and a shuffle to my kitchen and a shuffle to all the people who show up tonight to do The Work together all weekend.
Click this link now and get up and dance, in your living room, wherever you are. Dance right now.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. For another Grace Note on planning events, click here to read.

Posted on

Trying To Control Your Thoughts Is Like Trying To Control The Wind

So many people responded to my little survey asking what my podcast should be named, and what topics you’d like to see addressed.

Thank you! Thank you!

(The name will probably be Peace Talk).

And wow.

There are a lot of topics to address.

Anxiety, fear, depression, pain, money, self-worth, disrespect, misery, wanting appreciation, eating too much, feeling addicted, nervous about the future, not having enough time, wanting to stop all these miserable thoughts!

It’s interesting to notice what we think about thoughts themselves, when they’re difficult.

Not only am I having a rough time here with what happened….but now, even as I sit quietly in a chair, or drive home in an empty car on my commute after a long day at work, or walk to the store for groceries, or lie in my bed at night….

….I’m thinking uncomfortable thoughts.

Arrgh. So annoying.

Why can’t I just be positive? Why do I have to scare myself, or think of worse case scenarios, or obsessively repeat the issue over and over again?

Why can’t I give it a rest?

Interesting thought to questions.

I should stop thinking this way.

Is it true?

Yes. My life would be totally different if only I had stopped thinking depressive, anxious or negative thoughts long, long ago. I should be more positive.

What’s wrong with me?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you should stop thinking the way you’re thinking?

Um. Yeah. I will never get enlightened this way. My mind is too anxious too fast too childish.

How do you react when you believe your thoughts are your enemy? When you think you should stop thinking the way you think?

Sour. Angry. Full of self-criticism. Depressed. Tired.

Who would you be, though, if you couldn’t believe you should stop negative or anxious thinking? Has it worked so far to try to stop?

Can you stop thinking, when you yell at yourself for all your crazy thinking?

Notice what happens when you really don’t believe you should stop thinking the way you think.

Something opens up.

Like it’s asking for attention, for you to hold this thought-machine with care, kindness, acceptance, and compassion.

“How can you NOT think about something? It’s thinking you. Thought appears. How can not thinking [or thinking] about it be irresponsible? You either think about it or you don’t. Thought either appears or it doesn’t. It’s just amazing that, after how many years, you think you can control your thinking. Can you control the wind too?” ~ Byron Katie

When I turn the belief around I find “I should keep thinking this way.”

Woah, seriously?

Yes…check it out. Explore this. How could it be of benefit to think the way you’ve thought so far? Even the dark, disturbing thoughts?

It appears to be the way of it.

Even if I don’t know why.

Allowing this mind, these thoughts, this path to be as it is….

without demanding, pushing, striving for these thoughts to be different….

….I notice they are not so intense. They are not so loud. They are almost, suddenly, very funny.

“Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, and therefore it doesn’t do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness. We can lead our life so as to become more awake to who we are and what we’re doing rather than trying to improve or change or get rid of what we are or what we’re doing.” ~ Pema Chodron

Not being against my own thoughts, the beliefs that float through, the anxiety that creates images, or vice versa, the repetitive thinking…

…I notice letting it be here is soooo restful. Puzzling maybe, but very, very relaxing and restful.

That’s always here, even when thinking is happening.

A great, silent resting place.

And if you can’t feel it, don’t worry. Just notice the thoughts, one by one, and inquire into if they are really true, and who you’d be without them.

There are 2 spots left in the 8 session teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Click HERE for more information. If you need a payment plan, hit reply.

Much love, Grace