Month: September 2014

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When You Have To Make A Good Impression

There is a store called Archie McPhee’s in Seattle that sells only what is silly, goofy, funny and often bizarre gizmos and toys.

Things like bacon flavored gum, rubber finger insect puppets, and mad libs.

I try to go there once a year on my birthday. My kids know this trip is a part of my birthday event.

Several years ago, they were selling these ornate, plastic framed pictures of saints that were decorated in the style of 15th century Italy. I bought one that looked like the Madonna.

She’s delicately exposing with both hands a red heart in the middle of her chest with light rays beaming out of it. She has a saintly blue shroud over her hair that falls over her shoulders.

I put it up on my wall in the living room in this high space that normally wouldn’t hold paintings or artwork. I thought it was funny, but also loved the drama of it, in a good way.

Love…beaming out of her heart to everyone and everything around.

One day, I realized that when clients come to do The Work in my cottage, they see that Madonna right up on the wall.

Someone asked me once “Are you Catholic?” and I said “No, why?”

They pointed at the plastic painting.

Then…someone else gave me a nicely framed little copy of a Madonna and Child also from the Renaissance period that sits near the entryway to my home.

Hmmm. Maybe I should move one of them, take them down.

What will people think?

I smiled. I had a stressful belief that people might be assuming something that is not true about me. I’ll give them the wrong idea. Oh no!

You may have this as well….about something.

I was once working with a man who had a lot of thoughts about his appearance. He said he couldn’t go out of his house wearing sweats or casual clothing. He had to be dressed well, even if it was jeans he had to look together, with a nice shirt, shoes, socks.

It’s interesting to notice when we think we know what other people are thinking, or what they MIGHT think….and try to hide it, change it, avoid showing it, just so we won’t be rejected, misunderstood, or judged wrongly.

I have to make the right impression!

Is that true?

No. Not really. People can ask if they have questions or need to clear up something or aren’t sure what something means about the way I’m appearing, just like that client did.

How do you react when you believe you have to make the right impression?

Oh man. This can be really stressful. More stressful than you might think.

What if it’s a person you’re interested in romantically, or a colleague you admire, or an audience, or your family and friends?

You think they might not like what you’re doing, what you’re saying, how you’re saying it, what you look like, how you’re coming off…and you feel anxious.

You change what you like, just to make sure it doesn’t come off the “wrong” way.

Embarrassed, ashamed, hiding, sneaking.

I used to say things to the cashier when in line with a bunch of food at the grocery store like this….”gosh, I wonder if I have enough for 12 people, that’s how many people are coming over.”

But only when I knew I was going to binge on the food.

It’s horrible, trying to cover up things about you, because you’re afraid of what people will really think. Very stressful.

So who would you be without these thoughts?

Without the belief, at all, that you need to make any impression whatsoever? That you have to do, say, act, be a certain way so that folks like you, or aren’t mistaken about you?

“You can get really good at this game of creating someone. And if the person you created is not receiving the popularity and success you expected, you can adjust your thoughts accordingly. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with this. Obviously everybody does it. But who are you that’s doing this, and why are you doing it? Why do we let this happen to us? Why do we care so much whether other people accept the facade we put out there?” ~ Michael Singer

Without the belief, things may be weird and strange. You’re not attached to what you thought was necessary. You may lose your bearings.

Without the thought that I need to say, understand, do, think, feel or appear a certain way…to make a good impression…it’s total wide open infinite space.

“I noticed that things happen with or without me, people approve of me of they don’t. It has nothing to do with me.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought I need to be somebody, and make it a good impression, I discover something vast…a little frightening possibly.

But it’s very, very free and present. There is no concern, in a very gentle way, for what other people think. There is only noticing, seeing, connecting, wondering, laughing.

I turn the thoughts around: I don’t have to make the right impression, I have to make the wrong impression, it’s not possible to make any true impression, I only have to make the right impression to myself, (and even that is unknown).

“You have put so much energy into building a prison for yourself. Now spend as much on demolishing it. In fact, demolition is easy, for the false dissolves when it is discovered.” ~ Nisargaddata

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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When You Question Your Thoughts About Sexuality…

Today is the last day of the 8 week teleclass I’ve been facilitating called Our Wonderful Sexuality.

It was a small class this time. It’s a funny class that way. People really want to investigate their thoughts about sex and sexuality, but then they hesitate, decide….nevermind.

A couple of people dropped out early on to go to individual sessions instead. They always do in this particular class.

“It’s too hard to do The Work on sexual stuff with other people…too embarrassing, I’ll do it by myself. I can’t talk about situations where people were naked, especially ME!”

But I love what is revealed for the brave souls who dare to do The Work on sex, moments involving attraction or encounters with others, whether uncomfortable or boring or frustrating or disgusting.

There is so much in the moments where sexual expression was possible, or actually happened, or is remembered…you can almost spend months and months just on looking at feelings of attraction, sexual encounters, your experience of sexuality…

….and learn a huge amount about yourself and your thoughts about relationships.

Even relationships that have nothing to do with sexual expression.

Really, in the end, the same kinds of objections appear in these moments as in many other moments with humans.

That person is coming on too strong, they don’t care about me, they aren’t interesting to me, they’re trying to control me, I want to feel good in that person’s presence but I don’t because they are too “x”, they are too pushy, they should ask me what I want, they should back off, they are too passive, I’ll get hurt, someone else will get hurt, we already got hurt.

These kinds of evaluations seem to be going on constantly in the middle of regular conversations and meetings with others, and then they also drone on in even the relationships with our beloved partners.

As we were all on the phone together at some point during the past two months, I remembered several moments where there were sparks happening between me and another person….

….and then the awareness of how often I had thought it was too much or not enough.

Hardly ever just right.

Kind of the same thoughts I had about food and eating that I mentioned in another Grace Note very recently.

So many objections! And never getting to the “just right”.

But who would you be, without the the belief that someone in the world who you felt sensual or sexual interest in should have been more or less of something?

Keep that situation in your mind, and put the pause button on it, and really sit with that image.

Who would you be without your story?

WITH the story, I’ve heard many inquirers do things like bolt, break off the relationship, chase after the relationship, ask for change, feel disappointed, try to change themselves.

Whew, it’s a ton of work!

Without the thought, there’s a natural and easy movement. The very first thing I find happening, is a return to being inside myself, to being with me. I’m connected completely with myself and enjoying the energy and joy of this other person with no expectations.

You may move away, you may stay present and keep the conversation going, you may get closer.

Without thought in that situation where something happens and you have a response, without judgment or criticism or “it should be different” you naturally move a certain direction….only you know which way is right for you.

I love the turnarounds most of all in these inquiries.

I am coming on too strong with my objections or my hesitations, I don’t care about myself, I am not interesting to ME, I’m trying to control them or control myself, it’s really OK to notice if I feel good or bad in someone’s presence and move where I need to, I am too “x”, they aren’t too pushy, I am too pushy, I should ask myself what I want, I should back off from all these judgments, I am too passive, I won’t get hurt unless I hurt myself, I’m getting healed (not hurt). 

I love not believing my thoughts about the people I see in my memories, in my mind, where I thought difficult encounters happened.

And I notice those scenes I’m replaying in my head are….movies.

They aren’t actually happening right now. They happened a long time ago.

As Byron Katie asks regularly…”are those people you are seeing in your mind images, or the actual people?”

Images of course. Never the actual people.

“When I hear people say that they love someone and want to be loved in return, I know they’re not talking about love. They’re talking about something else….Love joins everything, without condition. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare; it looks forward to it and then inquires. There is no way to join except to get free of your belief that you want something from your partner. That’s true joining.” ~ Byron Katie

This doesn’t mean I don’t ask for what I want, I am free to ask!

The answer is yes, or no, I move from there.

Now, after an enormous amount of wonderful work on wonderful sexuality, I notice I am in a beautiful, loving, exciting, fun, playful, joyful relationship with a man who I’m married to and we’ve been together six years, and it keeps getting better and better.

I never would have thought that possible.

Sure, there are moments of the old thoughts coming in, patterns, ideas, expectations….they simply can’t be taken very seriously.

They can’t be believed.

Thank God! Thank inquiry!

What

Would

Happen if God leaned down

And gave you a full wet

Kiss?

Hafiz

Doesn’t mind answering astronomical questions

Like that:

You would surely start

Reciting all day, inebriated,

Rogue-poems

Like

This.

~ Hafiz

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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Being Happy Regardless of What Happens

Over the years doing inquiry, I sometimes hear this objection to questioning thoughts:

But what if it’s just plain true? What if there’s no doubt that something happened, and it’s irrefutable?

Like, my mom slapped me. She did.

I did lose all my money. I broke my leg. I got cancer. I got divorced. My father died. My grandfather was a control freak. I moved. My childhood is over. My children are gone.

Those things happened!

Well…yes they did. This isn’t about questioning facts of life.

This is about investigating what you believed, and perhaps still believe, about that event, that experience…when it’s painful.

Here are a few easy ways to get to the heart of yourself, and your pain, when you notice you feel stress about something that happens.

Let’s say someone is really upset with you. They’re not speaking to you anymore. Maybe they yelled at you and it was really obvious that they were super pissed off. Maybe you’ve called, written, emailed, facebooked, and they never write back.

Maybe they just had a look on their face that wasn’t pleasant. Maybe you’re not sure what went wrong.

You notice a clench in the gut. You notice your mind start to get a little interested.

As you think about this person, or the situation where you feel sad about what happened, or irritated, any kind of stressful feeling at all…..see what you believe it means that it happened that way.

Since she said that thing to me, and made that face….what I think it means is that she hates me. I’ve done this wrong. I scared her. People get confused. People are nuts. The universe is a difficult place. She could hurt me again. They don’t like me. I’m in danger.

Now….just pick one concept to question.

Are you sure that when that happened, it meant what you think it meant?

Can you really know if something is lost and over (including someone’s life) that it means this world is weird and full of loss, dangerous, or that you’re all alone and it’s entirely hopeless?

No.

How do you react when you believe that whatever happened means something frightening, or bad, or difficult, or hard, or shocking?

Very anxious. Very sad. Very lonely. Very hurt. Very upset. Worried about the activities of reality, every single day even.

But who would you be without the belief that you know what that event means? Who would you be without the thought that you know what was going on with that person, or that it’s threatening to you personally, or that it means something stressful about life?

Strange.

If I don’t know what something means….even that thing that happened that seems harsh, or that everyone generally agrees is a tough experience….

….who would I be? What would I be?

“For many people, life without their story is literally unimaginable. They have no reference for it. ‘I don’t know’ is a common answer to this question. Other people answer by saying ‘I’d be free’ or ‘I’d be peaceful’ or I’d be a more loving person.’ You could also say, ‘I’d be clear enough to understand the situation and act efficiently.’ Without our stories, we are not only able to act clearly and fearlessly; we are also a friend, a listener. We are people living happy lives. We are appreciation and gratitude that have become as natural as breath itself.” ~ Byron Katie

Try it today.

It starts with imagination. Your mind is excellent at imagination.

Who would you be in this moment, without knowing what that event meant…the one you’ve been thinking all this time was horrible, or difficult?

I’d be feeling the blood pulse in my arms and hands, hearing the cars outside the open window, smelling the fresh late summer air drift through the window slats, feeling the beat of my heart, seeing the colors, the magnificent color of this white couch I sit on.

Everything is incredible.

I get to see where this all goes, how it unfolds next, what direction it takes.

With a very fresh, open mind.

“Billions of things could happen that you haven’t even thought of yet. The question is not whether they will happen. Things are going to happen. The real question is whether you want to be happy regardless of what happens.” ~ Michael Singer

If I turn around every experience I see as difficult, into one I see as an opportunity for peace and happiness….then wow, I get a lot of opportunities.

It’s actually very exciting, very liberating.

Thank you world for everything you’re presenting, thank you for this moment, that previous moment, every hard time, every easy time, every time, every time.

Much Love,  Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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Question Your Thinking, Change Your Addiction

Every so often, I get asked about my history of addiction and I still have a twinge of wishing it wasn’t so.

Ew.

My primary horrible experience was around food. Always concerned with eating too much or not having enough, and trapped in the squashed zone of in-between.

It was too much, it is too much, it will be too much…it wasn’t enough, it isn’t enough, it won’t be enough.

Landing on “just right” seemed elusive, actually…..impossible.

My mind was so full of fear, I couldn’t relax.

It doesn’t matter if this comes out in the way you eat or in another way. I’ve used other activities to *prove* there’s either too much or not enough of something….caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, screen time, crushes.

But what is there actually not enough of, or too much of….really?

It always seemed like there was something I perceived that was missing, or too overwhelming, and boom….the urge to escape would appear.

Since my mind was fast and busy and saw a lot that there was too much of, and a lot missing, I was constantly fretting about life, relationships, money, safety, love, yesterday and tomorrow.

No wonder I thought I needed “help” from substances, especially food.

Life was hard, thinking there wouldn’t be enough of something, or there might be too much of something, all that all the time.

And ever so slowly, it dawned on me that thought, this way of thinking, was an addiction all by itself.

I couldn’t seem to think any other way, I kept believing what I thought was true, I took myself and my thoughts very seriously, I believed I couldn’t relax or didn’t have true happiness yet, that it was around the corner.

“Simple rest without thought, feeling into the spacious relaxation of no mind, is perhaps the best antidote to addiction.  Trying to think oneself out of addiction is, in and of itself, just another addiction, an addiction to thought. If we are going to speak of recovery from addiction, we have to first speak to this addiction to thought itself.  When addiction to thought is released, thoughts still happen, but with no sense of self in them and no sense that they carry a command to engage in some addictive substance or behavior.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Questioning your stressful thoughts is a fantastic way to begin to break apart what you’re thinking, to begin to understand what’s happening in your mind that creates the urge to eat, drink, smoke, shop, watch movies, obsess, clean, exercise.

It doesn’t matter if it’s unrelated to food, or whatever you use for escape or comfort.

Look at these beliefs:

There is not enough of “x” in my life…..and…..there is too much of “x” in my life.

Write these down. Make a list.

Take them through the four questions.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.”~Byron Katie

If you’re wanting to stop doing something that feels compulsive, addictive, harmful…you can stop.

You can stop believing that what you’re thinking is true. Start by writing down what you repeat to yourself that seems stressful.

Then take it through the four questions:

  • Is it true?
  • Can you absolutely know it’s true (if you said Yes)
  • How do you react when you believe that thought?
  • Who would you be without that thought?
  • What’s the opposite of your original thought?

You can do this.

Freedom is on the other side.

Much Love,  Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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Mindfulness: Doing Nothing Is Easier Than You Think

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Martin Luther Kind and Thich Nhat Hahn: Peacemakers

Thich Nhat Hanh is a rather famous meditation teacher and spiritual leader in the Buddhist tradition.

Not long ago, I was listening to him talk about being mindful in every moment.

He said he enjoyed breathing mindfully, pouring and drinking his tea mindfully, walking mindfully, bringing his mind home to the present, using concentration.

Ahhhh. Good. Yes, cool.

But wait. THEN, he said something about sitting on your computer for three hours and forgetting you have a body.

Or walking very fast to get from here to there. Or eating quickly because you’re super hungry but you can’t be bothered to stop to enjoy the taste. Or holding it when you have to pee because you’re absorbed in something.

These are not mindful.

Um. Oh.

Mindfulness. It’s sooooo slow, though. It’s not exactly “exciting”. It can’t be that easy!

I mean, I have work to do. Programs to create, service to provide, money to make, success to achieve.

A great teacher and mentor of mine asked me “What do you want? If you could have one thing, what would it be…the thing you want the most?”

Really, really. What. Do. You. Want?

And then I realized…I don’t even know.

Awakening? Success? Ecstasy?

Suddenly I remembered….this allowing the mind to rest here in the body, including every sense, aware of everything here in the present, is pretty easy.

Like, crazy ridiculous easy. You don’t have to do anything.

Literally…nothing. You can stop trying. Stop looking for what is wanted.

It is not only easy…it is joyful.

“When you breathe in, you know you are alive. Because someone who is dead doesn’t breathe anymore. Breathing in, I know I am alive. I have a body. I can get in touch with the many wonders of life. Sunshine. Rain. Flowers. River. People. Joy, right away. Joy is born from mindfulness, concentration, insight.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Even if something difficult is happening. Sickness, loss, break-ups, destruction, suffering.

Even if I *think* this is not enough, just couldn’t be good enough, best enough, fine enough, big enough….

….I stop, anyway.

Who would you be without the thought that your present moment, this moment, is not quite enough, or missing something? That you have to get somewhere else, besides here right now?

I’d relax so deeply, it would be amazing.

Instead of “I WOULD relax so deeply, it WOULD be amazing” the whole experience suddenly becomes “I AM relaxed so deeply, this IS amazing.”

Turning the thoughts around: right here, right now, is enough, is plenty, is more than enough. 

It is overflowing, full, moving, alive.

Even if I’m crying, or afraid, or disappointed…these emotions are not all that is happening in this moment, there is much more.

Who are you right now without any belief that you need more than mindfulness, awareness, being still? That you need more than imagining who you would be without thought?

It’s a fun mystery.

“Each separate being returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

Much Love,  Grace

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Thank You, Critical People

I love what I’ve learned from Byron Katie about criticism.

I thought about it today when the Year of Inquiry group took a deep dive into investigating the belief “my dad shouldn’t have been so critical.”

Dang.

This thought has been one I’ve thought MANY times about people.

That rude, mean woman…she is so judgmental! That snobbish guy, he is so critical! My grandpa…he was so controlling! That boyfriend was so demanding, so condemning! That teacher was so belittling!

I love doing this exercise: write down the words that critical person said, or implied, and see what is so difficult about them.

For example.

There was a woman I worked on a project with quite some time ago. We were on a board together. She apparently had been talking about my behavior to another leader, without my knowing about it.

I had the thought she was super hyper critical and it wasn’t fair.

Years later, doing this exercise, I wrote down what I could remember her actually saying, and how her face looked, that frightened and angered me.

Here was the list: Grace makes mistakes, she’s not paying close attention, she’s not being a team player, she doesn’t volunteer for parts of the work we need to get done, she never copies me on emails, it doesn’t seem like she cares.

This person talked to me a whole lot. I would think to myself “I wish she’d stop talking” but I never said anything. It felt like she chattered away without taking a breath.

And then on top of all that running off of her mouth, she was criticizing me behind my back.

But I did this exercise, after questioning my thoughts about her being so critical. Why did I think of these things as critical? Why did her saying these things to me creating a feeling of defense or justification inside me?

Could these things be true?

Did I make mistakes? Yes. I flubbed up months and days and put in the wrong time on reports. I accidentally made computer data entry errors. I wasn’t paying close attention.

I also wasn’t a team player. I was sitting there thinking she was blabbing on all the time and never stepped in and tried to connect with her, I just wrote her off. I decided I didn’t like her. Not very teamish.

It was absolutely true that I didn’t volunteer for parts of the project that had to get done. I’d think when we went over the to-do list “ew, I’m not doing that drudgery thing, I want the good jobs”.

I was afraid I couldn’t even do some of the jobs, and never even asked for help. I felt intimidated.

And it was also totally true that I didn’t copy this woman on emails that she might have found interesting. I was fearful of her criticism, so I avoided letting her know what was going on.

I didn’t care enough to speak up, tell the truth, bare my soul, say how uncomfortable and unhappy I was in my relationship to her.

She was right.

Here’s the interesting thing that happened….

I did this work internally. I had very little contact with that person anymore, so it was all something I was doing at a quiet internal level, on my own.

I began to see benefits for her behavior. I saw how she was brave to speak up about me, even if it wasn’t to my face. I never spoke up to her face either, so she was one step more brave than me who kept it all inside. I saw how she was willing to tell her truth. I saw how much she valued connection and honesty.

Plus, after it all came out, and I learned she was talking about me and criticizing me, I snapped out of my passive insecure never-speaking-up behavior.

I pulled it together and started doing a really excellent job. I checked my work so I didn’t make stupid clerical mistakes that would mess people up later. I took more ownership. I connected. I got more honest.

I was still fuming half the time, but I also did The Work constantly, regularly, on this person….and I still did The Work later on this person when I didn’t see her anymore.

And one day, I ran into her and another person who had also worked on the same project.

This mean, critical, bitchy woman turned to the other person who had been connected to our project and said “Grace really did great things back then, she made fabulous contributions, she became really accomplished and made a big difference.”

I walked away thinking….

….wow.

Because I knew what she said, she meant.

She doesn’t make up fake nice stuff.

And I had to see the turnaround was more true. She wasn’t critical, she was appreciative, generous with her honesty.

She called me out to be bigger than I was being. She called me into being greater than I thought I could be.

Come to think of it, every single person who has ever criticized me has done that.

EVERY ONE.

“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you. You are your only way to stand with a friend as a friend, even when she perceives you as an enemy. And until you can be intimate with us however badly we think of you, your Work isn’t done.” ~ Byron Katie

 

Much Love,  Grace

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The Good In Darkness

One of the most astonishing lightbulbs that lit up for me on the inside when it came to self-inquiry was when I really *got* the idea of welcoming EVERYTHING in my life.

Not just good stuff. But bad stuff.

Especially the bad stuff.

In fact, the whole point of the re-orientation or this different new view is inviting the “bad” stuff.

Bring It On.

Wait. Seriously?

Yah. Doesn’t mean you have to be thrilled about it.

This is noticing how very difficult things, even acute suffering, have interesting teachings, surprise awareness, redirections that you never would have thought up all on your own, surrender that winds up being deeply liberating.

This is the goodness….or call it acceptance if “good” is a little too much for you….in darkness.

The gift of darkness.

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” ~ Mary Oliver

Here’s where to start if you’re not so sure about this idea.

The Work.

Here is the thought. You really think it’s true:

“There is nothing good that came out of that horrible experience. When I got cancer, when I was involved with that jerk, when he left me, when she died, when she stabbed me in the back, when I made that awful decision.”

Is it true?

Pick only one troubling experience, not all of them at once. Just one.

Is it absolutely true that nothing, nothing, nothing good came from it?

No. (If you answered yes, keep going anyway).

How do you react when you believe nothing good came from that difficult time?

I spend a lot of energy making sure it never happens again. I’m afraid when I see the images of it repeating itself. I feel haunted. I’m anxious just walking around, when I remember it. I don’t sleep well. I can’t relax.

Take a deep breath. Pause a moment, with that memory that’s rough.

Now who would you be without the belief that absolutely nothing of benefit came from that experience?

I feel a possibility of relaxing. I might not relax all the way, instantly…but a peaceful pink colored light off in the distance, like the sunrise is over there.

I notice I’m breathing, alive. My heart beats. I have a pulse. I have a place to lie down. I have friends. The sky is shining. I maybe feel a thrill of interest inside, a ray of hope as they say.

Turning the thought around:

Something of great and profound benefit is coming out of that difficult experience.

What already has happened, that you could call a benefit? Even the tiniest thing?

Once you start, you may begin to find more, and more.

I had to make decisions for myself, completely independently, completely on my own….I took care of myself much better….I stopped worrying so much about perfect health all the time….I enjoyed time with friends….I became more honest and sincere and real….I discarded what wasn’t working in my life and asked for help….I felt power inside me that I never knew existed….I found love inside me at the deepest depths, no matter what was going on around me.

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance….

….What is to give light must endure burning.” ~ Viktor Frankl

Byron Katie says, if it’s a friendly universe, what is an example of the friendliness of your life, your experience, your reality even in those darker times?

This is not fakey-fake making up positive happy face stuff.

It’s being open to seeing if this could be true, and finding genuine examples of this, no matter how small.

Even if it’s hard.

You can do this.

If you are in the seat of being someone who really wants to take time in a small retreat of only ten people, this November…

…I have a very special opportunity for those in leadership, therapists, holistic practitioners, managers, those who might wrestle with darkness or others’ darkness whose intention is to find the friendliness, or the advantage, or the openness possible in dark experiences.

This is the Serenity Retreat: Using Darkness For Good.

I’ve mentioned it before, and now there are new logistics.

We will gather Tuesday, November 11th (an awesome power number day 11/11) through Thursday, November 13th. We will dive deeply into looking at prevailing darkness, what feels too hard…death, loss, illness, tragedy, fracture.

You’ll be surrounded in nurturing luxury. Breakfast, lunch, snacks and beverages are on me for all three days. You’ll only need to care for your own dinner two evenings, your choice, your time for self-care or connection with others. The venue is pure northwest elegance.

Our first evening together, we’ll have Cheri Huber (to be confirmed shortly), insightful meditation teacher and author of “There is Nothing Wrong With You”. She brings years of wisdom to difficult life events.

We’ll move with care and willingness through the inquiry process, the power of the small group holding our investigation steady when the mind would prefer distraction, escape.

We’ll stay.

Our second evening, November 12th, we’ll have the exceptional poet guide David Whyte with us.

All participants will leave with a new level of openness towards their darkest experience, their personal challenge, their greatest fear.

Everyone will have a road map of how to turn this experience around, how to live this openness to inviting in everything.

To feeling the upmost courage with anything that could happen.

We end in the afternoon of Thursday, November 13th at 3 pm to return to our families, clients, offices, communities, and roles as guides.

To apply, please click this link. You will be given detailed information about the cost and logistics. This is only a preliminary raised hand of your interest, you will not be obligated to attend or registered just yet.

Registration for this retreat Serenity: Using Darkness For Good will close on Monday, September 15th.

And even if this is not for you at this time…go within to that dark place and discover what is really true.

You may find a clearing, for a new delight.

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Jelaluddin Rumi

Much Love, Grace

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See It For Yourself

Sunday, September 28th 4-6 pm in Seattle at my cottage. Meetup!

Anyone is welcome.

It’s an introduction and walk right through self-inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie. You’ll get a taste of the process. $10 donation but if you’re between jobs and even that amount is tough….this is my service to you, and I’m honored to offer this work. I have handouts, bring a pen and journal or paper.

Then on October 4th, a Saturday afternoon 1:30-5:30, I’m offering a mini retreat where you can earn 4 CEUs if you’re a mental health practitioner. $70 for first-timers, $55 if you’re repeating the afternoon. You’ll do The Work yourself, and also learn to facilitate someone else through it too.

For either one, just write and say “yes” and I’ll get you signed up and send you a link to make your payment (or you can bring it the day you come).

You know, speaking of mini retreats or meetups, it’s kind of weird offering something as profound and life-changing as self-inquiry has been for me…..in only a few hours.

Sometimes sitting together with eager individuals to do The Work feels like I’m offering something a little absurd like “come find out how to have a deep relaxation towards life, accept yourself, and accept all those people you’ve ever known…in two hours.”

Really? I mean, who could “get” something like that in two hours?!

I didn’t, that’s for sure.

And then, I realize….I’m having a slightly stressful thought.

I want people to understand, to find this practice helpful, to dissolve their pain, to feel the love and joy of life.

I want them to feel as completely and deeply trusting of reality, even if difficult and rough things happen (especially when those painful, rough, horrible things happen).

I don’t have answers for anyone.

But I feel a thrill of excitement about being alive and being here that is nothing like the dread, fear and depression I once had. I would love if everyone got to experience this!

My current husband says he’s not too sure he would have been attracted to me when I was younger.

Ha ha! I wasn’t attracted to me! So of course not!

I think these kinds of thoughts: “I want everyone on the planet, everyone I touch, to feel loved, hopeful, accepted. I want everyone to feel liberated from their torment, their sadness at the events that have happened in their lives, their worry about the future.”

Well, that’s really sweet and nice….(and actually genuine)….

….but if right on the heels of that sentiment is an urge to help, like an ache, or a wanting inside for someone to be happy….then uh oh.

Better check in with The Work.

I would love it if everyone could find peace, feel loved, be happy, calm down, relax, wake up, find freedom….is it true?

Well. Yeah! Of course I want that!

Are you sure they aren’t peaceful, though? Even those grumpy, mean people? Even those addicts? Even those who have experienced terrible misfortune? Even the people who committed suicide?

Yes. They aren’t!

I think it could have gone better for them. I really do. I’m sad when I think about their lives being so disrupted, and containing so much suffering.

It’s true.

How do you react when you believe, though, that it really would be better if those people found peace….like, now?

Hmmm.

It’s a bit off the Totally Letting Go energy.

It’s got an urge to it, a big *hope*. Like there’s a better way.

I once had a friend who thought breath-work and dancing every day was the end-all be-all and everyone should do those two things and all the people who didn’t do those two things were unhappy losers.

I once was on an airplane with a couple who wanted me to join their religion and prayed for me, with me sitting right there. They were so well-intentioned, it was really very sweet.

And, it wasn’t my thing.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to find peace? Or that anyone else does either? Or that you know anything about what’s helpful for someone else?

Wow, crazy.

Different.

I pause.

Without the belief….I just go about my business.

It’s hilarious, really.

I notice I still offer meetups, and mini retreats, and workshops, and Year of Inquiry, and couples counseling, and solo sessions, and teleclasses.

Part of me looks at all that and thinks “what on earth is she doing?”

It is soooo funny!

And soooo fun!

Without the belief that anyone needs any of what I’m offering in the least, I notice I enjoy everyone more and more and more.

People come and go and stay or leave.

That’s the way of it in every moment, all day long. Activity happening. Movement of life, going here, coming there, active, pulsing.

I could just as easily be cleaning houses or waiting tables or acting on stage or going to an office building every day….all completely fascinating options.

Turning the thought around: I would love it if I could find peace, feel loved, be happy, calm down, relax, wake up, find freedom. 

It is irrelevant if anyone else “finds” these things.

And peace, love, happiness, calm, relaxation, awakeness and freedom are already here, available to me, right now.

Even in the darkest, most terrible, threatening moments.

I know that’s weird to say. It’s not diminishing your very great difficulties.

Only that life is this. All these things. And different “answers” and ideas and orientations and learnings.

Nothing is The Answer.

“Your outer journey may contain a million steps; your inner journey only has one: the step you are taking right now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Whatever way you’ve gone and whatever way you’re going, you can stop right in this moment that you’re reading these words and see if the difficult thing you’re believing is actually true.

Your way.

“Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.” ~ Morpheus

Much Love,  Grace

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Take A Break From The Self-Critical Bull

Do you ever put yourself down?

Oh man.

In the past, I’ve easily heard come right out of my mouth little phrases said under my breath TO myself, like “you idiot, what the hell were you thinking?” or “come on, pull it together, it’s not that big a deal” or “what the f*&% is wrong with you?”

It’s no secret that we’re sometimes super crazy harsh with ourselves.

My harsh voice used to be really vicious.

Geneen Roth, one of my favorite authors and teachers of inner freedom from the turmoil of eating troubles, calls it The Voice.

Or maybe it was her friend (who I also adore) Annie Lamott, who is also a writer.

Annie once said that The Voice was like KFCK radio station.

Turned on, it spouts obscenities, mean phrases, attacks, sarcasm and criticism, all directed at YOU, that no friend who ever cared about you would EVER say.

Many people who come to work with me say they really don’t think that many mean things about other people….

….it’s this KFCK radio station that’s the worst, and they want to do The Work on themselves instead of others.

The weird thing is….over time, I began to understand why Byron Katie suggests not doing The Work on yourself and your thoughts about who you are….

….but instead, to just point your finger outward and rip someone else to shreds.

It’s because when you look at yourself, your observations and perceptions are so completely insane, it’s often hard to find clarity or to perceive what the truth actually is for you.

You are in the soup, with yourself, and you can’t really ask your own mind easily to find a genuinely neutral, open-minded answerer.

Sometimes, when you’re tempted do The Work on yourself, you have a big motive.

You’re hoping you’ll CHANGE.

If you hope someone changes when you do The Work, INCLUDING YOU, then you’re setting yourself up for big fat disappointment.

I know it’s kind of counter-intuitive….to actually investigate a belief system or way of looking at something inside you (or others) without a secret wish that they will change.

Why do The Work?! I mean seriously! You mean I just have to ACCEPT EVERYTHING?!

All those nasty and imperfect qualities?!

Impossible! NEVER! I will fight for improvement of the person who I am until the day I die!

But what if you dropped the thought that you are missing something, you need to change, you KNOW that the quality you’re objecting to is bad and needs to be eliminated?

I love telling people about a conversation I had with Byron Katie once.

I said I did The Work over and over again, on the same few people, and I was still really freakin’ angry!

She replied “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!”

Oh! Huh.

Then it dawned on me how much I tried to be a never-angry person.

No wonder I used to eat food and throw up sometimes long ago, or run five miles super hard, or work overtime. My anger was getting trapped in an inner explosion in my stomach.

It didn’t mean it was time for me to start yelling at everyone else, instead of yelling at myself….that doesn’t feel good either (and I already did that, anyway, on the inside).

But just acknowledging the quality I disliked, and seeing how human I was, what a relief! I started to have an attitude of being open to how much it benefitted me to experience the quality of anger….or any other objectional quality, for that matter.

Anger was powerful, zesty, fervent, intense, passionate, exciting!

Who would you be without the belief that you should change?

It’s a seriously new thought for some people. They may have had the thought they should change since age three.

“As my mother used to say, “You’re like a bull in a china shop.” Did you ever hear that? If you let your mind imagine a bull getting loose in a china shop, that’s how the me is. It’s knocking things over, things like the most precious china. With a whisk of its tail, there goes . . . grandma’s four-generation-old antique china cups! Boom-they’re gone. When your me is operating, it’s like that bull. It tends to make a lot of noise because it’s always in a slightly adversarial relationship with its moment. It produces noisy thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or opinions. It also likes to search, moving its head around, scanning for the right emotion in the body, scanning through the mind for the right concept…Inside, there is something that is not creating nearly as much noise as the me. This something else, this openness, this awakeness, is not searching for the next moment or scanning for the right emotion or experience. You can get the sense of it now.” ~ Adyashanti

Right now. No scanning for what’s wrong. No criticism.

Just wait, and feel it.

If that feels hard to do, don’t worry. Even that is OK.

Much Love,  Grace

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Those Troubling Relationships Were Perfect For You

This past week the Year of Inquiry participants started in our very first month together as we gather for twelve months on the phone to do inquiry.
We have a different topic every month, all year.
What’s the first topic we address?
Why, Family of Origin of course. The original foundational experiences that seem to have shaped us.
[Cut to The Sound of Music. Maria is playing her guitar and singing“we start at the very beginning, it’s the very best place to start…”]
Family of Origin was called FOO in my Behavioral Science graduate school program. I love calling it FOO.
It reminds me of taking something with greater levity, in fact really goofy….like saying Fooey! Foo Boo! Foo Poo!
But I know, it doesn’t always seem so light. Even if the memories run way back, and seem like they happened a long, long time ago.
These are the people who influenced us strongly. These people we’ve spent a lot of time with when we were kids, or perhaps we’ve longed for their presence in our lives. We’ve felt like something was missing, or wrong, or terrible, when it comes to them.
Maybe we just had one big run-in with that person, and we still remember the incident sharply, and the jab we felt in our gut at the time.
People mostly picked “mom” or “dad” to do The Work on, but this is not required. Siblings, grandparents, neighbors, cousins, teachers.
One inquirer had a very difficult experience with a doctor she saw when she was a teenager.
The great thing about this approach to self-inquiry, is that YOUR life, and even your mind, right now, as it remembers your life, is guiding you in the most perfect way possible to your freedom.
I love the way that happens.
That person who stimulated irritation, sadness, fear, anxiety, hatred, nervousness or grief inside you….that’s the person to start with.
“Your daughter is the perfect daughter for you, because she’s going to bring up every un-investigated concept you have until you get a clue about reality. That’s her job. Everything has its job. This candle’s job is to burn, this rose’s job is to blossom, your daughter’s job is to use drugs, my job is to drink my tea right now. And when you understand, she’ll follow you, she’ll understand. It’s a law, because she’s your projection. When you move into the polarity of truth, so will she. Hell here, hell there. Peace here, peace there.” ~ Byron Katie
 
Those FOO are the perfect FOO for me. This doesn’t mean I do a number on myself and switch to believing it’s all my fault and I’m the one who had the wrong view…..not at all. The projection is innocent.
I grew into believing concepts, without investigating, in the presence of these people.
Now, I get to question my thinking, and notice I have the most amazing, beautiful sisters I could ever dream of–all so powerful, so brilliant, so unique. I have a mother who is kind, loving, independent, a huge contributor to the city we live in. I have a father, grandparents, and extended family in every direction who are the most intriguing, fascinating, wonderful people (even though they’ve all passed away).
Each person a curious facet of the puzzle of unraveling a belief-system, so the world is getting bigger and bigger.
If you’d like to take a look at important relationships in your life, long past or currently present (you get to choose who) come join the 8 week class that starts Mondays, Sept 22nd – November 10th. We meet from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.
Click HERE to register.
“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46
 
Much Love, 

Grace