Month: October 2016

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What if someone likes you more than you like them?

unrequitedLove.

There are many common themes amongst humans that seem to cause great suffering.

But “love” is a doozy.

Romantic love, or family love.

This is the “love” experienced between people who share space and time together, maybe for many years, or who are born right into it, who share assets and plans.

One of the most disturbing arenas of love is when it’s unrequited.

As in, one person’s really All In, but the other is basically All Out.

Or Mostly Out.

Many love songs are written about this experience, but it does happen in families, too.

A dad wants to see his kid after years of neglect, but the son refuses to forgive and refuses to let bygones be bygones.

One person reaches for the other. One person wants to run for their life.

I like to call it “chasing”.

It’s really not that great for either party, you know? Maybe in a game of tag it’s super fun, but just about any other place between two people relating to one another, it’s disappointing, desperate, or dramatic.

At best not quite what you hope. At worst, devastating.

Awhile ago, I did The Work with a woman who had lived with a man for several years in a big bustling urban city apartment. They had known each other since age ten. At some point in their twenties, they split up and lived separately and went off on adventures, but now they were spending time together again in their forties. They had never lost touch.

The guy was over the moon with the woman.

Like, “she’s my whole world, she’s the only one I’ve ever really loved. Everyone else has paled in comparison. I love her so, so much. My life is nothing without her.”

As the woman shared these words with me, I kind of flinched.

Ewww.

I joined her for a moment as she read her worksheet to me about the thoughts she had identified about him.

My thoughts were following along with her, saying to myself “Yeah, that IS too needy, he IS wanting her too much, he IS acting too clingy. Gross. What’s she doing with a guy who acts like that?”

Then I caught my own mind agreeing with her, and I remembered right away, I have no idea what’s going on here. What I’m here to do is facilitate this woman through her upset thoughts about this moon-eyed over-the-top man in her life who has supposedly loved her his entire life.

The woman doing The Work wanted to inquire. She wanted to know the truth, and so did I.

“He’s too enamored.”

Is it true?

She said yes. I was thinking “yes”, too, based on the story I heard. Can’t he give it a rest and get on with his life?

Can you absolutely know it’s true, though, that he’s too enamored?

No. Not at all.

In fact, what’s the trouble with someone being enamored? What’s the problem? (I didn’t ask the woman this question out loud. I wondered about it within).

I remembered someone from my own past. Someone I had the very same kinds of thoughts about.

Wow, it sure seemed true. It seemed like it was too much. I called him obsessive, delusional.

How do you react when you believe he’s too enamored? Too in love? Too dreamy-eyed? Too…too?

The woman replied “I want to get in my car and drive across country, just to put as much space between us as possible.”

Run for your life! Suffocation! Get me outta here!

It’s really powerful to consider why, though, instead of so quickly bolting for the door. What’s the threat? What’s so scary about someone worshiping the ground you walk on, if they do?

Hmmmm.

Well, it feels like they don’t enjoy their own company enough. Something’s off. They aren’t easy-going and relaxed. Something inside is demanding, and a little freaky. They’re expecting something in return. They want….what? Security, pleasure, to feel loved. It seems like they can’t get it for themselves, so they’re fixated on someone else. It’s obsessive. Weird. The worst case scenario would be stalking.

In the fall retreat last month, I had everyone think of three people, public figures who really bugged them or frightened them, or people in their person lives they had found extremely difficult to be around.

Long ago when I did this same exercise, one of the people on my list was the guy who assassinated the president for Jodie Foster. I couldn’t even remember his full name, but he totally grossed me out. This is the extreme version of the very same energy of neediness, of a demand for attention or love.

So who would you be without this story, that he is TOO enamored, in love, full of craving, demanding, needy, available?

What….you mean John Hinckley Junior isn’t “too”?

Well, this isn’t about denying the man is acting or saying something different than he is. It’s not pretending you don’t see some kind of desperate energy happening.

It’s feeling who YOU are, without the thought running through your mind every minute.

What I notice is….I still move away from that person.

I also see he’s scared, likely doing the best he can, unaware, unable to sit with himself silently for some reason. He’s willing to care about someone in his imagination, not the “real” person, who he has little genuine contact with.

I remember having crushes, and also feeling the addictive pull of food and eating, so long ago.

I know how horrible it feels to “love” (reach) so hard, to believe being you is not enough or boring or unfinished or incomplete.

Oh man. Here comes the Turnaround. I myself have been too enamored, reaching, clingy, desperate.

When I was young (OK, later in life as well) I treated my concept of “God” this same CHASING way. Why aren’t you paying attention to me, God? Stay with me! Don’t leave! Pleeeeeeeasssse! I want you! I love you soooooo much! Why don’t you love me as much as I love you, or with the same specialness? Where are you? You should help me, why aren’t you present?

I know, it’s kind of embarrassing.

But there really was a part of me completely attached to my thoughts like this, and they REALLY hurt because it means my view of myself is Not Good Enough and God/Spirit/Source was out there being perfect somewhere without me. Ow.

Turning the thought around again: That person is NOT too enamored. I am too detached and being too much of a runner….I am too enamored with my own objects of desire. Or too enamored with detachment. Too enamored with Not being myself.

I notice I’m OK, even if that person wishes I would give them more attention.

The woman I was working with noticed she had her own completely free independent life, no matter what her man friend was thinking.

She saw how she could be in her own business, and not concerned with his, not dictating how he should feel and act.

What a relief to remain in your own business, and not in someone else’s.

If you think someone else is infatuated….where have you been infatuated, and how can YOU be healthy, breath deep, enjoy yourself, and be completely clear and honest with both yourself and that other person?

Who knows.

As soon as you’re really clear, living your turnaround of loving your own ways and not judging someone else’s desires as “wrong”….

….they might become uninterested in you.

Good.

As I did many years ago, when I realized this same type of situation of someone chasing after me and realizing how painful it was for everyone involved, I asked for no contact and space and silence. It felt like the most loving thing to do, even though my mind was screaming that it’s rude to cut people off or say goodbye.

But how amazing to inquire. What if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do?

Be honest. That’s it.

“I care about you too much to buy into your projections, to fuel your flight from yourself, to fan the flames of unrequited love….I love you too much to pretend. Make me into a god, and I will only disappoint you. The most loving thing anyone could ever hear.” ~ Jeff Foster
 
If you have past relationships that didn’t end well, or feel terrible, come to Breitenbush retreat if you want to “work” on it. December 8-11.

 

Freedom is possible, when it comes to love.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Can you feel peaceful with inner disturbance? LOL, I know it’s weird.

(Sorry the sound is so low….dork here, not remembering to turn up the volume on the mic, so please turn up yours. Here is an imperfect video. Imperfection happens. I also have really dirty hair, no makeup whatsoever, and no script. The honesty of Eating Peace starts here. Can I be at peace with this disturbance?)

I’ve worked with several people lately, it seems, who’ve discovered the belief from way back:

“He didn’t like me” or “She didn’t love me” so I need to make sure I never get rejected again.

When someone else judges, it does hurt sometimes. You can’t deny it.

So what if, even in the middle of inner disturbance, or inner fear, pain, difficulty….

….you still could feel peace?

I know it’s kind of weird.

Feel peace with disturbance? Can those two go together?

Yes.

Is there some greater, bigger part of you able to be OK with being disturbed.

Because if you can be disturbed (even very disturbed) and notice you are OK, you are still alive, you are here, you are still standing….

….what an incredible thing to notice!!

We think it’s SO TERRIBLE to feel pain. Anything but that.

Anything but feel such grief, sorrow, rejection, anger, upset, devastation.

Who would you be without the belief you can’t get through it (especially without eating)?

Much love, Grace

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I quit

hcpemachodronquoteYou know when you have those days where you thought you had time to do your list, but no?

Sometimes….argggghhhh.

So frustrating.

Yesterday, I had quite the list of tasks and appointments and writing time planned. These involved being out at the library, or driving in my car to visit the post office and office supply store. Only two clients scheduled on purpose, and the last week of every month has no Year of Inquiry calls….

….time to sit down and map out the full Eating Peace Process which will start in January, the upcoming Relationships retreat at Breitenbush in early December….

….and really make progress in writing and outlining some of the new updated curriculum.

But then, a doctor’s appointment turned into an hour of waiting before it even began.

And suddenly I was going to be late for a client whose number I didn’t write down in my calendar (never good).

Racing home, everything was bumped an hour late.

My mom left a message saying “call me today, I need to book flights for spring ASAP!”

My email Inbox was a mile long.

The home phone cable line stopped working. And the internet disconnected twice.

Then knock-knock on the door and new internet equipment has arrived after 3 months (or a year) of trying to figure out what would help.

Attention turned to putting the new modem and router together (which went surprisingly well) but I needed a special part for my computer, and to return an old part to the internet store so I stopped “renting” it month after month.

Five hours later….

No writing done on programs, probably the most important thing I could have been doing (in my opinion). No Grace Note written (which is one way I “do” The Work).

And the thought “this is too much effort. I quit.”

When I say this kind of thing, I mean the Whole Thing is too much effort. Like, even having this business I seem to do in the first place.

I quit.

What an interesting thought.

It’s like the mind comes up with this idea and it feels pretty good for a minute, right?

This relationship is over! Take this job and shove it! I’m outta here! Sell it all! I’ll never speak to him again! Give all the books away!

I QUIT!

Pictures of no longer paying for internet service, ever, and moving off the grid. (LOL).

What’s really kind of funny is how it’s not possible to actually “quit” most of the things you think you can quit.

But let’s look. Because it sure it enticing and sort of has a wild passionate fire-energy inducing feel to it.

Quitting what I do for a living is a good idea.

Is it true?

Maybe you can find something you think of quitting from time to time. Your primary relationship. Moving to a new house. Moving to a different country. Quitting your job.

It’s what you want to do, really….is it true?

No. It’s almost funny, for me, it’s so untrue. You may have noticed, though, depending on your situation, the feeling of wanting to “quit” something many times.

How do you react when you think this thought in earnest? What happens when you imagine you want to quit, you say in your head “I am so leaving this” or you feel the urge to walk away?

Sometimes, people with this thought begin to imagine what it will look like AFTER they quit, and get scared.

Yesterday when I was doing the zip-zip around of unexpected movement of the day, I had an old CD in my car audio player. It was Byron Katie doing The Work with a young woman who felt she couldn’t read certain books in her house because her husband would throw them out.

“He’s controlling me” said the woman.

I was fascinated with how and why someone would stay in a relationship situation like that….and I listened closely. I remembered hearing this work long ago, but I was so intrigued at the thoughts in my own head basically saying “Why doesn’t she quit?!!!”

Hmmmm. Maybe the mind loves coming up with this quitting solution, but it’s not necessarily the best one, or the easiest, or the most efficient.

Who would I be without the belief that quitting is the solution? That quitting is the way to not have to deal with something or someone anymore? That moving, leaving, shutting down is the best or primary answer to a difficult relationship or schedule?

Who would I be without the story of “I QUIT!”

Wow.

Even if there’s a furious little 2 year old having a fit in the background (the one who loves quitting)….

….I would notice it’s not possible to quit.

This way of thinking, the furious mind that loves to try to control situations, and make big grandiose statements, and jump to conclusions, and protect from further uncomfortable feelings….

….doesn’t quit.

Ha ha.

But it doesn’t mean I have to “do” what that Quitter Voice says.

I can look more closely at what I object to in the first place, that inspired the quitter to come forward.

Usually….fear, lack of freedom, sadness.

Turning the thoughts around: “I” don’t quit.

I notice the thoughts sometimes can yell about quitting, but the body does what it does and life moves as it does.

The relationship continues to be very important, even in my own head, whether the person is in the room or not. The activity continues to draw me, whether I know why I’m doing it or not. The movement of love continues to happen, whether I’m resisting it or not. Rest occurs whether I think I should be working harder, or not.

“It is possible to choose awareness instead of resistance. Switching attention from the resistance of ego-identity to the intelligence that animates us is a skill we can learn. And it takes practice.” ~ Cheri Huber

Resistance arises as a thought, and I follow it or believe it, or I don’t. I notice another turnaround is truer: thinking quits. 

It’s here, then it isn’t. Poof! It’s gone.

Another turnaround: “it” quit me. The relationship, the job, the business, the location, the activity.

When it does. Not really me in control and dictator of this situation, I notice.

Again….laughter.

“Do you choose to actively or passively change your life? Good; you made the right choice. Why? With or without you, you seem to change, and with or without you, something always seems to happen. It isn’t necessary that you do it.” ~ Byron Katie

Notice, notice, notice. Awareness.

The power of noticing, becoming aware, seeing it from a greater perspective….far bigger than the little mind will ever know.

I stay.

(Until I don’t).

Much love,

Grace

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The one Big Question to answer if you want to live your turnarounds

Light in the Cave of Pain, Sickness and Death Using The Work
Scared to go inside this cave? It could be your only way to peace…..At least it was for me.

Several people who couldn’t attend the new Living Turnaround group that started yesterday wrote to me this past weekend and asked….

….I want to know how to investigate a situation so I can find out how to make the lasting changes I always want to make, but never seem to find!

Can you point me in the right direction with Living Turnarounds and how to do them or find them?

Where do I begin?

Some shared with me they feel like they have a ton of places they’d like things to be different. They wished THEY were different, most of all.

You might notice the same.

Where do you wish things were different? Relationship status, body, aging, money, house, career, service to others.

Sometimes, you may notice….there’s something imperfect and improvable about everything you consider!

But as I asked some of the amazing people who came yesterday in person to the group….

….first, you begin by making a short list, or scanning in your mind what you wish was different….

….whether you feel slightly uncomfortable, just a wee bit disappointed, or really upset.

You may notice, something rises to the top asking to be seen.

Yes, THAT situation with “x”. I really wish it were otherwise.

Now, instead of going straight to a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, consider the following question and journal about it and get ready to do Step #1 in understanding YOU.

Observing yourself, without so much dreadful internal screaming about what’s wrong with you.

Seriously. Don’t jump to how awful you are so fast.

It’s a diversion.

OK? Agreed?

Studying yourself and contemplating some important questions come out of work and research I’ve gathered for many years on desire, goals, and action-taking….how these happen in life, how they don’t.

Some of this work comes from extended research in the field of human motivation, behavior and transformation ever since I studied it in graduate school in the late 1990s.

This was before I ever heard of The Work….but the research and study of human behavior is oh so connected to questioning your stressful beliefs.

Because what do experts say, quite often?

Action is about what people are thinking, what’s in the mind, that drives their behavior.

To “live” a turnaround and experience deep or permanent change is about first, identifying the underlying beliefs that create fear, lack of ease, inaction, or action you don’t really want (like overeating, my old favorite personal example).

So, follow along with me here.

Let’s say you want to be in better shape physically, or as I used to want all the time, let’s say you want peace with food and eating.

Here’s the first question you want to keep in mind, before racing to The Work:

What do you do, how do you behave, what actions do you take….that crushes or destroys this state of peace you so desire?

As in, you ain’t gonna get that thing you want if you keep doing “x”.

For example, long ago when I suffered from binge-eating, I might have said “I don’t ever experience eating peace because…..twice a week I binge-eat from one end of the continent to the other without stopping to breathe for one second”.

Let’s say you’re having concerns with lack of money, and you feel like money’s always been a problem, or has been for a really long time. (Some of the members of the Living Turnaround group mentioned this…..OK, all of them).

What do you do, in that case, that keeps you from stability with money?

Make a list. Really answer the question thoroughly. Be specific. Sometimes, you even have to observe yourself for a week (or longer) and watch what you do and catch all the moments, because it’s easy to forget or be unaware.

Academics and researchers might calls this collecting the data.

You’re being like a scientist with yourself, watching, looking, taking notes. Don’t let shame or guilt come in and slam the door on this looking!! (I had that happen all the time around eating issues and was very secretive for fear of other peoples’ judgment).

So long ago, when I was getting help for this weird binge-eating behavior I seemed to live with….I studied what was going on during those binges. I wrote down what was happening. I wrote down what I had experienced earlier, before the urge to binge began. What was my state of hunger physically? Who did I encounter? What was I thinking?

Then…you can answer this next interesting question:

What’s the worst that could happen if you did the OPPOSITE of this behavior or activity? What would bother you about doing this? What’s the danger lurking for you, when you think about not doing this activity you’ve been doing–maybe for years?

So, in my example (lacking eating peace) I would wonder by writing in my journal about why, if I stopped binge-eating, I might find this threatening? What would disturb me about stopping this behavior?

I know.

If you had asked me without explaining that something important is going on that prevents normal behavior with food, or if you asked me what I would have been afraid of if I stopped binge-eating, I might not have been able to think of one single answer.

I might have even said….WHAT??! Are you crazy? It would be GREAT to no longer have cravings and then stuff myself, it’s what I always wanted….to STOP suffering from an eating disorder.

But just open your mind a little and give this a minute.

What if you are not ridiculous, and what if there isn’t anything wrong with you?

What if your mind is a genius at making sure you avoid, at all costs, what could really be emotionally, physically, or spiritually painful?

What if this idea of no longer having your actions (in my case “binge-eating”) available to you made you raw, exposed, nervous…..for any reason whatsoever?

What kind of young woman would be afraid of stopping binge-eating behavior?

As it turned out, there were several reasons why I would be afraid to stop binge-eating.

One was, because in between binges, I was always thinking I should be starving myself. I DID starve myself. I used lots of willpower to push really hard in athletics.

I was also terrified to speak of my true inner feelings (we don’t do that in this family) or to show I felt upset about anything.

So, feeling super upset, sad, afraid started having a wild condensed response to it….all piled and smashed up in a ball of unexpressed energy inside, and it exploded out with binge-eating (and purging, for me).

Now my behavior was very extreme.

This can be done with much more quiet and mild behaviors. You don’t have to be a crazed addicted-acting person to study yourself (some of us need things to be extreme or super obvious, apparently).

If you have a mild case of doing something you wish you wouldn’t….or NOT doing something you wish you would….

….really consider very, very deeply what you might be afraid of, if you stopped this uncomfortable behavior, or if you started doing the thing you wish you’d do.

What is it about the ACTION or NON-ACTION itself you want to learn from?

It’s your teacher.

Usually, the normal way to address human behavior that needs “correction” is to fix it ASAP. Get a diet, get an exercise plan, mark your calendar, force yourself to “do” it, ignore the fears.

As I said, several people in the Living Turnarounds group mentioned trouble with money.

Been there.

You can do this around money and your relationship to it. Notice if you feel you MUST have it, you need it to survive, you grab for it, you store it.

Or, maybe you stay really foggy with it. You have no idea how much is in your bank account, you write checks you’re not sure will clear, you borrow and owe. Some part of you doesn’t like seeing how much you actually have (hint: it’s dangerous).

What does this behavior mean about the world, about you, about people you’ve known or encountered?

Study your fears.

I really hated (at first) seeing what I was most afraid of in my late teens and early twenties.

They were thoughts like….I can’t make it on my own, but I should. People are critical (“people” being parents mostly). I have nothing to offer. I can’t do it perfectly (so why bother trying). People don’t really care about the honest me. You can’t say what you really think or feel (people get hurt). If thin, people will love respect me. If I’m not in great physical condition, people could criticize me. Food is the only pleasure I have. Food is easy to find everywhere, and comforting. I love eating forbidden foods, no one tells me what to do for once. When I’m eating, I don’t have to think about what I “should” be accomplishing, I don’t have to push myself, I can finally quit trying to be perfect every second of the day.

How could it be helping you to do that activity you notice you criticize yourself for doing? How could it be helping you to NOT do that activity you wish you’d do?

This is a huge topic, and there are ways to break it down slowly, carefully, one step at a time….

….but I say, run with it.

Wonder what you’re afraid of. Ask the powerful question Byron Katie asks “what’s the WORST that could happen?”

Keep a “thought journal”. (If you’ve been on retreat with me, especially at Breitenbush, I always hand out thought catchers to carry around with you–little notebooks to write down your stressful thoughts).

Who would you be without your story?

You’d be living your turnarounds.

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell

And the best news of all?

The cave, the fear, will follow you until you enter it or take a look at it. You don’t even have to worry about avoiding it endlessly, or how you’re going to address it. It’s probably not up to you, anyway.

Drop the “probably”.

Much love,

Grace

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Living Your Turnarounds: Simple, Fluid, Kind, Fearless….yes you can

koalagrouphug
Let’s do The Work together, and live our turnarounds: monthly LTA group

This coming weekend, a group will be gathering with a focus of Living Turnarounds.

What does this mean?

Well, since you’re aware of The Work, you’ll know that the very last step of questioning your thoughts is to turn them around.

As in….finding the very opposite, and not using it like an affirmation (unless this brings you joy) but instead sitting with each turnaround, no matter how weird it feels or sounds, and considering in this world of duality how it could be as true, or truer.

Sometimes the Turnarounds bring remarkable ah-ha’s, lightbulbs, awareness of what you DO have power to change, in a really loving and excited way.

Maybe you even discover where you need to make amends, to another person, or to yourself, so you bring the past to a close and you can stop regurgitating it, stop thinking about it constantly, stop trying to make it right….because you’ve done your best, and it’s now over.

When I was going through a separation and divorce, I did The Work fairly frequently on the thoughts I was experiencing that produced enormous fear about my life in the future.

I can’t do this alone, I’m abandoned, I’m lost, I’m a failure, I’m worthy of being left, I’m not able to earn enough money, I did it wrong, I’m lonely.

As I did The Work on this over time, day after day (I did The Work about three times a day during that period over ten years ago) I would find turnarounds that “clicked”.

Sometimes they scared me.

They looked like this: I can do this alone, I’m set free, I’m found, I’m a success, I’m worthy of being enjoyed, I’m able to earn enough money, I did it right, I’m connected.

I had to concentrate with my mind to find examples of each turnaround.

How could they be just as true, or truer, than my original stressful thought?

It might have felt shaky and not very confident, but I would get a different feeling inside my body, at a very deep level, as I found the turnarounds to be just as true. Why not?

Then I would consider, as I felt the new, alive, excited, fearless, thrilled, relaxed or more stable awareness within….

….how would I live this?

What could I do, say, be, think, feel, in order to live this turnaround?

What would it look like?

How would I go through my day, with the new awareness, the new feeling, living a turnaround that I was safe, creative, and able? That maybe this was an exciting changing time of wonder and joy? That I could earn enough to support myself on my own?

I signed up for a Qigong class. I took a women’s workshop on human sexuality. I enrolled in a program on women’s empowerment and joy. A friend told me about something called Ecstatic Dance where you could dance however you like without talking to anyone (I went).

I invited people I knew who were musicians over to sing together like I had done long ago (lots of piano and guitar playing and singing in my past, and I hadn’t done it for years) and called it Sing Thing. I began applying for jobs and figured out where I have something to offer, even though I had not been working full time for ten years.

My life began to blossom, to become more than it had ever been prior to this “terrible” thing called the process of divorce.

Who would YOU be without your story?

This is not a matter, I found, of making a list and “doing” it. Like setting goals you think you “should” achieve or do.

These new joys came to me because of inquiring into my deepest, most painful thoughts about what was happening….the worst that was happening.

And then feeling what it was actually like to live in this body without that thought.

There are some wonderful questions you can contemplate to help you find barriers to living the life you want, your immunity to change, the inner reasons you don’t “live” the way you think would bring you peace.

When I investigated….

….*Ping*….the idea would come to talk to a friend about energy and physical movement, and I’d be led down a road with tiny sweet breadcrumbs to “I know someone who teaches a class starting next week, you’d fit right in”.

“When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.” ~ Byron Katie

This coming Sunday is the first Living Turnarounds group October 23rd 3-6 pm northeast Seattle in Goldilocks Cottage (my house). Sign up here or hit reply to let me know you’ll be here this weekend. We’ll meet once a month through June 2017. There are some people coming from far distances, and not everyone attending this Sunday can plan on being present for every session, so that’s the way of it. If you can only come one at a time, you’re welcome. You can pay as you go.

We’ll do The Work on what stands between you and living a simple, fluid, kind and fearless life, in any area you truly desire.

Much love,

Grace

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True love: welcoming people doing what they do (even if they fight)

fightinggorillas
Who would I be without the story “they should quit fighting!”

Someone close to me doesn’t like someone else close to me.

OK, they’re related.

Let’s be honest.

And those two over there are at odds with each other.

One of them is driven to therapy in order to understand what’s going on, and feels pain about what’s unfolded.

The other is cutting everyone off and giving the silent treatment (and probably also feeling pain).

Oy vey.

The perfect Yiddish way to say “woe is me” in English, only it sounds better somehow.

You know those warring people you know? Or maybe whole entire nations? Or corporations? Or countries? Or those friends?

They should get along. They should talk. They should be close.

Is it true?

Yes! How could this not be true? People should get along. War doesn’t work. Jeez. Give me a break. Really? You’re asking this question?

Can you absolutely know this is true they should get along?

Yes. Well. Hmmm.

I suppose it’s OK if people don’t get along, but they shouldn’t point guns at one another or have fist fights. Maybe their behavior is what shouldn’t happen, when it causes violence, sadness, despair, or the continuation of the war.

I guess it’s not absolutely true they shouldn’t get along. Some people don’t. Maybe they can live on the opposite sides of the boundary, and enjoy themselves.

How do you react, what happens, when you think in your own life that those two should get along….and they obviously don’t?

Do you rage as you watch the television, with the teams playing against each other? Do you yell, yourself? Do you take sides in a couple’s divorce, or feel bad about how to deal with them?

Oh, you talkin’ to me? How do I react? Moi?

I want to tip the table over, all laden with dishes and plates and good food, and walk out and slam the door! Fine!

Good riddance!

Keep fighting, for all I care!

Sigh.

Actually, I’m sad. I feel despair. I have images of them not getting along ever, never finding a repair or balance in the future, or a way to meet and talk and work together.

It’s really desperately sad. I don’t like it. I want to see them unite, and feel love, and be compassionate, and strong.

I judge them as immature. Wrong.

But who would you be without this story? Without this thought that they should get along?

Huh.

Kind of weird.

Because it really does seem like they SHOULD get along. I don’t like seeing them fight, or hearing about their positions and stubborn behavior and rude, frightening words. I don’t like listening to their sarcasm. I don’t like being a part of their war.

But without the belief they should get along?

I see two people really hurt. Extremely hurt. Biting dogs, doing everything they can to defend themselves, to survive.

Without the thought, I stay present and I watch. I don’t shut down and cut them out. I’m here, aware, open, connected.

Watching humans having a hard time, and knowing this happens sometimes on planet Earth.

Without the belief, I remain calm, steady, I feel very rooted to the earth with both feet. Ready to serve, if called upon. But not asserting or injecting my opinion.

Without the belief they should get along, I have no solid opinion.

Turning the thought around: they should not get along. I should get along with myself, with them.

How could these be as true or truer?

Well.

They shouldn’t get along, because they are extremely different in personality, past history, experience, preferences, thinking, and I really don’t know precisely what’s going on inside of each of these people I love.

I should get along with this situation. Yes, rather than go to my room and shut the door (metaphorically). I should leave the door open, keep it light and trust it’s going as it needs to go.

All will unfold in a way that’s required. For these people I adore, for myself, for the family.

I could remember the inspiring Marshal Rosenberg, who worked with so many who argued with each other, but his methods of non-violent communication brought honest talk, and eventually, peace, to many really troubling situations.

What I notice today, is it’s a fine art, a gentle delicate art sometimes, of allowing everything to be as it is as those others fight it out, and also remaining involved and ready to step in at a moment’s notice, if called upon.

“I don’t know what’s best for me or you or the world. I don’t try to impose my will on you or anyone else. I don’t want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That’s true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.
 
One day, a few years after I first found The Work inside me, my sons began to fight in our living room. I was sitting on the couch, very close to them. They were two grown men, in their twenties, and here they were on the floor, wrestling and pummeling each other and yelling ‘Mom, Mom, make him stop!’ All I saw were two men trying to connect, not knowing another way.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

These two people I love so much, can I allow them to be as they are, working it out?

Yes.

To “live” this turnaround I can think of them both with love, not take sides, trust the process, understand that sometimes, as a wonderful friend of mine once said…..people need sabbaticals.

This is not “never”.

No one has said they will never, ever speak again and become completely unreachable.

Other people are loving and supporting each person, with kindness and care. Everyone’s doing what they need to do.

As Pema Chodron says so beautifully, things come together, things fall apart, over and over again.

The way of it.

If you lived the turnaround of being open to arguments happening in your life, around you, near you….

….what would you do, say, think, feel….

….as this human condition of breaking apart “happens” once again?

Together, apart, together, apart.

What can you do if you don’t shut down entirely and turn the warring parties off, OR, you don’t dive in head first and battle with the same energy? Is there another way, that comes to mind?

Who are you without your story of danger?

If you want more practice of who you are, without checking out or pushing back against reality, but living yourself without your stressful thinking….come join us on Sunday afternoons in Seattle once a month starting this coming weekend. 3-6 pm. Yes, it’s OK to write me to ask about missing more than two sessions and see what dates you really can commit to.

(If you live far, far away from Seattle, stay tuned for an online retreat on living your turnarounds coming within a couple of months).

Here are the scheduled meetings for the Living Turnarounds Group, for the next 9 months (always 3-6 pm) northeast Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage:

  • October 23, 2016
  • November 20, 2016
  • December 18, 2016
  • January 15, 2017
  • February 26, 2017
  • March 19, 2017
  • April 16, 2017
  • May 21, 2017
  • June 11, 2017

Enroll here. Hit reply to tell me all the dates you can attend.

Who knows what’s possible for us, without our stories? Can’t wait to find out. Let’s do this.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If retreat is more amenable to your location and schedule than a monthly group for entering your living turnarounds and questioning your limiting beliefs….Relationships Retreat at Breitenbush in the fabulously gorgeous winter December 8-11!
Warm toasty cabins heated by ample hot springs with big beautiful radiators in little Laura Ingalls Wilder adorable private cabins with extremely comfortable beds (I’ve slept in them for many retreats). You will have a luscious, private retreat investigating your stories, soaking in the hot mineral waters, breathing the deep fresh old growth forest air, and eating exquisite fresh vegetarian meals. Call Breitenbush to ask questions or to sign up 503.854.3320.
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NEVER hurt someone’s feelings! (false)

Is it true, you should NEVER hurt someone's feelings, even if you didn't mean to?
Is it true, you should NEVER hurt someone’s feelings, even if you didn’t mean to?

Awhile ago, someone said if they showed up in Grace Notes their heart would jump right out of their chest.

It’s not the only time someone mentioned this.

I get it. This is really personal stuff. The kind of stuff you wouldn’t like other people to read about YOU.

Which is why I always feel so connected to the people who come to me and share their thoughts, because they are bringing me my own thoughts, the ones I myself have related to, believed, felt, experienced.

They say their thoughts with energy, with conviction, with anger, with deep sadness….

….and I am right there, sometimes vividly seeing, a moment where I could also “prove” this thought to be true in my own life.

I’m literally doing The Work right along with them. I notice the sessions I do always work best when I begin to channel my own situation where I’ve had the same belief.

The other day someone commented on a Grace Note that once appeared the day after a group inquiry session.

“That was pretty intense to read the next day!” said the inquirer who had been at the group and now was sharing with me, “it was great!”

Later, it suddenly occurred to me someone in that group, the very same person whose thought I had written about, had never come back.

In fact, I hadn’t heard from her in a long time.

Oh no! Maybe she left because of my Grace Note?!

“You made a mistake, you did it wrong, you shouldn’t have written that, your words hurt someone, you went too far, you’re too honest, too bold, you need to be careful!!!”

Is it possible to be too honest?

Should you edit yourself, curb your intensity, watch your language, lest you surprise someone with your words?

You should be careful…right?

Long ago, an awesome inquirer who signed up for every teleclass I ever offered plus the very first Year of Inquiry shared with me when first listening to Byron Katie tapes from the 1990s, she couldn’t handle it.

Too much directness, too harsh!

I loved she shared this with me, because it reminded me that everyone has their own flavor and color, the tone they find most helpful….

….and here she was, still passionately doing The Work anyway, still deeply aware that questioning her beliefs was something drawing her forward, a curiosity she was following.

How remarkable she could find the nugget of gold at the center of the words and the teachings, what was being offered, and be so intrigued even if the messenger wasn’t always “right” for her.

So let’s do The Work.

You said too much, you were wrong….are you sure? Is it really true?

No.

How do you react when you find out later something you did, said, a way you looked, words, language, anything….made someone else feel uncomfortable, or hurt, or disillusioned, or sad, or personally rejected?

I feel bad.

I want to reverse time, go backwards, and “fix” it (never write it, say it, look it, feel it, do it).

I try to control myself. I make an action-plan to Never Do It Again. I threaten myself with pictures and images of what will happen if I repeat it in the future. I believe it means I don’t care, I’m insensitive, I’m a jerk.

I find other people who do it the “right” way and copy them instead.

I feel worried about the person in question. I picture them stewing over me, hating my image, planning on revenge, staying away from me, cutting me off, giving me the silent treatment.

I’ve been a source of pain, not a source of love, in their lives.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!

But who would I be without this thought?

Who would you be without the belief you personally disturbed someone’s peace?

Wow.

Without the thought my words hurt someone or caused them to judge me, I notice some interactions are super wonderful and easy, and some are weird, some are confusing, some are sad, some are frustrating.

It’s OK for me to move away from someone who’s too loud or who’s yelling or who feels uncomfortable or who acts like a creeper.

It’s OK for someone else to move away from me, too! What….is everyone supposed to love me 24/7?

Maybe this is what our preferences are for.

They show us sometimes where NOT to go.

“When you lose something, you’ve been spared--either that, or God is a sadist.” ~ Byron Katie

A sadist is by definition, someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others. If God is NOT a sadist, but is love, all of reality, all that is, the way things unfold, including people who might not have liked what I wrote….then none of these movements away from me are meant to be painful.

Holy smokes.

You mean, if someone’s offended even though I didn’t mean it personally, it’s the way of it? You mean, I don’t need to work super hard to make sure everyone feels comfortable about what I say, do, or write? You mean, it’s absolutely fine if someone chooses not to like something about me?

Yes.

Turning the thought around: I said it just right, it went the way it did for good reason, it’s absolutely normal and even supportive if someone withdraws their presence from me, it’s good for them, for me, for the world.
The nugget of gold will carry forward. No need to worry.
Everything is happening for me.
Even people getting offended, and leaving me alone.
“Don’t be careful, you could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
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Eating Peace: bumbling along, making mistakes, you can still find empowerment here

I’ve spoken with so many people who have felt the same as I have, when it comes to sticking up for yourself, saying what you mean, asking for what you want.

Noticing how we don’t do it. Wondering why.

It’s such a powerless feeling to avoid confrontation, not ask for what you need or want.

But what if you allowed yourself to be as you’ve been, without such criticism? Maybe noticing what you’re afraid of (hurting someone’s feelings, not getting what you want, getting hurt, feeling rejected)?

What if you made a small gesture towards asking for what you want?

Even this can feel so kind, so supportive.

I’ve never been seen as a super “powerful” strong, intense, fierce, aggressive personality. I have’t liked conflict or confrontation much.

And I can still feel a sense of deep personal power that I won’t do anything, or agree to anything, that purposely or intentionally hurts me.
If I need to say no, or change my mind, or leave someone or something alone, or ask for help….I can.

Much love, Grace

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An alternative to fight, flight or freeze….infinite unknown possibilities

There’s nothing like truly connecting with others in an extremely honest way.

Telling the truth. Saying what’s in your heart out loud. Speaking the “worst” words you think, or the awkward ones, the ones you’re worried about hurting others, the ones you’re always trying to delete.

It’s quite radical.

An hour ago as I write this, everyone left my little cottage who was here spending time and moving through the experience of clearly identifying, questioning, and opening up to how we relate to “thought” in a new way.

We become interested in this through noticing (OK, being tortured by) stressful thoughts.

What an amazing thing to even consider there’s another way. An alternative to believing frightening things, uncomfortable things, dreadful things.

One of the most profound places of suffering (hint: it happens almost every time you hate, criticize or judge someone else) is noticing how when you feel anxious and threatened, even from an old memory, it often goes a bit sideways with three options, and that’s it.

Here’s what I’ve experienced:

You see that person doing that thing, saying those words. It’s scary.

You’re threatened.

You decide you need to escape, fight or freeze in the presence of the threatening thing or person.

Just get back to homeostasis, says the whole organism. Get away from the scary thing!

And then the pain enters as the mind chatters with how upset it is you had to go through that terrifying situation, and you never want it to happen again, you never want to think about it, you’ve got to get away, or destroy it, and you have to feel better ASAP.

Then, here’s where it starts getting more difficult, I notice.

You start in on threatening yourself.

How you could have avoided it, like retroactively making it so it didn’t happen.

You should have done it differently. You dunce! What’s wrong with you? Just give up. Run away. What a coward. How embarrassing. You’ll never learn!

It really hurts, this vicious, violent self-talk.

But who would you be without your story that you’re doing it wrong?

Who would you be without your perception of the world as a threat (in the form of that mean person)?

Who or what would you be if you remembered, and felt the impact, and the heart-break, and you didn’t run, freeze or implode or attack yourself, or anyone or anything else?

Not denying it didn’t happen.

Not pretending it’s different than it is, not faking you feel happy when you don’t.

Not believing it all, as Truth.

Not making it MORE than it is, LESS than it is. Not formatting into something to make it easier to digest or impossible to digest.

Just not thinking it with such passion and voracity and intensity.

Without thinking YOU made a mistake or did it wrong or it needs to be changed….

….what would this be like?

I notice whenever I have a thought about me doing it wrong, I’m scared of someone else also, that THEY think I did it wrong. Maybe the person who thought I did it wrong came from the distant past, or the more recent past, but these thoughts about me and how I wasn’t enough or did it poorly only appear when I think someone else thought it first, or might.

Who would I be without the belief I wasn’t enough, or wrong?

Free.

Free to cry, sob, ask for help, say I’m sorry, hug, love, move, live, show up, go on, be a regular human, with all kinds of human emotions.

I might even, without being stuck in thoughts against myself or others, begin to live another kinder way (most likely).

I turn the thoughts around: I did the best I could. So did they. There is nothing threatening me….now. I do NOT have only three choices: freeze, run away, or go to war. I have an unknown, unseen movement of life bursting up through me, expressing as this person, and it’s all temporary, and I’m here. Ready. Alive.

I have other options, like standing in the middle of a cacophony of sounds, thoughts, words, calls for help….

….and opening my arms to this next moment, and the next, with integrity, with action, with joy, with gratitude, with tears.

What an amazing question, to wonder who we would be without our stories of self-hatred or no-way-out.

Here’s my friend Jeff Foster (I don’t know him personally, but I love calling him my friend because it feels like he is). He’s a great example of a living turnaround of what it’s like without believing your thoughts, about yourself, others, life, death, the past, the future. Plus he’s hilarious.

Much love,

Grace

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It shouldn’t have happened

umbrella
An umbrella in the storm of suffering thoughts: The Work

The rain’s been pattering down all day long, fresh and alive. Not too harsh, not cold, not driving. But very steady.

Kind of like the sharing and entry into The Work for Day #1 of retreat, right here at Goldilocks Cottage in the northwest.

Now, in the evening, I sit quietly in my empty living room, only myself apparently here, listening to the sound of drops coming down on the roof.

Today….the lovely group of participants sharing this time together looked at the thought “this shouldn’t have happened, shouldn’t be happening”.

Somehow, this excruciatingly stressful thought appeared for questioning, and we did it together, in circle, popcorn style.

If you’ve never done inquiry “popcorn” style it can be a wonderful way to share and weave together a group from the start. Because everyone does it together, listening, speaking, contemplating.

How it works is the stressful belief is dropped into the room.

It hangs in the air, and everyone thinks of a moment when they really thought it was true.

Yes, that moment there. I really thought “this shouldn’t be happening”. It thought it so big and wide, it was so awful that something was happening, it was a terrible situation.

As everyone found their internal image, and pictured a memory, a moment, a future fear….

…I asked the four questions.

Popcorn style means, people simply speak out loud when they have their answers appear. Maybe two people speak at once, and one naturally waits for the other. The pace is usually slow enough where one speaks, there’s a pause, another speaks.

We all get to hear what it’s like to feel and think this stressful thought, and what it’s like without it….the Great Exploration.

I thought of my own moment, when a good friend flipped out and said I wasn’t being a good friend, I wasn’t coming to the rescue, and that he was coming over RIGHT NOW. (I remember reading the email and having a massive jolt of adrenaline run through me, and the urge to jump in my car and drive away, just in case he meant it).

What about other words people are saying that hurt, deeply? What about silence from someone you love and miss, who’s cut you off?

What about sickness? What about painful childhood memories?

It shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have had to experience that. I shouldn’t be experiencing it now.

Is it true?

Gulp.

Um….yes?

I really don’t want to go through that again. It was so frightening. I don’t like it when people go crazy. I want calm in my life. I want peace.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, it shouldn’t go that way? It shouldn’t be like that? He shouldn’t have done that, said that? She shouldn’t have acted that way, called you that name?

Can you know it’s true he shouldn’t have gotten cancer and died?

Yikes. This is serious questioning. It seems so true.

Yet….I personally have no idea. I look out into the world and see people getting sick, yelling, saying things, doing nutso things, committing violence. I look out into the world and see hurricanes and storms, tsunamis and destruction. They say a stormy wind is coming upon the area I live in two days, the biggest in 50 years.

I don’t LIKE these things, but I really can’t know they shouldn’t ever happen.

I notice when I think they shouldn’t and I get really wound up about it, it’s very painful. I suffer. Deeply. Extremely.

Who would I be without the belief it shouldn’t have happened or gone that way?

This fourth question can be difficult to even begin to find an answer, when something quite horrible has occurred.

All you need to notice at first, perhaps, is that you are not thinking it shouldn’t have happened every waking moment of your life.

Right?

So you DON’T have the thought all the time, already.

Even if you feel quite traumatized and upset, and worried and you’ve seen the thing reoccur in your mind’s eye over and then over again….

….you can wonder what it’s like, and explore it as a possibility, without the belief it shouldn’t have happened. Just a little bit.

I notice, without my belief that difficult day when my friend was going “crazy” with a mental breakdown (I’m the only one calling it that) all that ever happened was me reading an email.

I never saw the friend, physically, in my presence.

I didn’t know how to respond, so I waited, and waited, and waited to reply….and I didn’t reply until the following day, and life went on. I realized I had no idea what was actually happening, and I didn’t need to be involved, and I sat in the unknown, and I noticed I had no idea what was true or untrue, and my fear died away, and all was entirely well.

In reality, that very day of reading the scary email, I worked joyfully with two clients, I greeted my kid when she came home from school, I went to the gym, I bought groceries.

The friend never appeared hammering on my door desperately, like I saw in my mind (like he said he might do).

I notice reality was very kind, and very quiet.

In your situation you might be seeing something loud, and terrifying, and physically painful….

….so from this moment, now, can you find how it’s over? It ended, even as you believed it should never have happened?

There is some point when it stopped happening. Your wish was granted.

I find this helpful to notice.

This is not about denying and pretending something very hard didn’t exist, but only to find a sense of balance and peace, and clarity in the middle of this reality.

If you can find how many minutes you’ve lived, without the thing happening, this is great to realize. Many more minutes have been lived without the event, without that incident, without that person saying those words….than WITH it happening. It came to an end.

Turning the thought around: It should have happened. 

And yikes, don’t take this the hard or wrong way. It’s not said with blame, rage, like you deserved that difficult and terrible situation.

This is only to see if you can find anything that came from it that works for you, anything it offered, anything it invited you to learn, any way it brought expansion, presence, awareness, strength, love, kindness, acceptance, surrender into your life?

For my situation, the friend going mad and writing to me he’s coming over, desperate, demanding, frightened….

….it should have happened.

What are my examples?

He found another, quicker, better way to peace. I did The Work on the thought he needed my help (only mine). I became much more sharply clear about how extreme that person felt about his life, and about my potential role in it.

It showed me something unexpected, something I needed to see.

Other things I’ve believed shouldn’t have happened, I notice have had interesting, heart-breaking, but amazing and new and loving things come from them.

If you can’t find turnarounds yet, that is….examples of why it should have happened, I recommend putting the idea on hold….

….but being open to see if something occurs to you, in the future.

If it was a friendly universe, why would this have happened?

The death of my father, for example, was one of my very first inquiries.

I could see, as I investigated that powerful experience I will never forget from so long ago (he died of leukemia) that he got to be freed out of a body, I learned to stand on my own two feet (slowly, but surely), I became skilled at giving myself my own good advice, and that he didn’t die entirely–only in his physical body–so I talk to him often.

He also showed me how to let go of something that felt unsupportive and filled with suffering, and trust death as well as life.

Getting there, still.

“When a belief hit me, I would sit and write it down and put it up against the four questions and then turn it around. That first year, I was writing all the time, crying all the time. But I never felt upset. I loved this woman who was dying through inquiry, this woman who had been so very confused. I kept falling in love with her….You can’t stop mental chaos, however motivated you are. But if you identify one piece of chaos and stabilize it, then the whole world begins to make sense.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy

Thank you to all the people coming to retreat with me. I get to fall in love with you, quite literally, and the whole world begins to make sense….

….even the painful thought “that experience shouldn’t have happened.”

Much love,

Grace