You need more time…to feel what? Skip the middleman (time) and see what happens.
More time, more time, I need more time, more time, more more time time time, more time….
…oh, I almost didn’t see you there.
I was busy collating handouts for the upcoming retreat, facilitating the Year of Inquiry session, buying gluten-free cinnamon cookies and sesame crackers, apples and raw nuts, collecting together pens and clipboards, bringing the cleaning service in for deep cleaning, vacuuming and dusting myself, working with clients, doing a load of laundry, meeting with my co-trainer for a November class for Institute for The Work, spending an hour on the new Eating Peace Process curriculum, and setting up chairs for an eating peace meetup.
All while hearing the voice within occasionally say…er, I mean shout…
…you NEED MORE TIME!
It seems true.
Right at the moment I realized I had a second meet-up scheduled in one week, this one on eating peace, I thought “why did I do that, right before the retreat??!!”
Before people arrived, I was thinking “boy, what I could do with two extra hours right now.”
The quest or demand for more time shows up in so many places:
Something needs to be found, completed, accomplished, done, over, satisfied, obtained, gained, finished.
That’s why I need more time.
Here’s a fabulous question, I first heard from Byron Katie, that really puts this whole “needing more time” thing in the front and center, with a big spotlight shining on it:
What would I have, if I had that thing “done” or “accomplished”?
What would I have, if I had more of this thing called “time”?
Or if everything, absolutely everything, was now handled, completed, tasks finished?
The answer my mind comes up with?
Freedom. Free do to ANYTHING I choose. Free to continue on to the next thing. Free to try something new. Free to Not Work. Free to experience MORE.
Hmmm.
Do I really need more time, in order to experience freedom? Is it true I need to experience MORE? More life, more days, more doing things I like, more pleasure, more happiness, more enlightenment, more awareness, more goodness, more love, more adventure?
Do I really need “more”?
Phew. Haha. Seems rather funny in this moment. And it’s a big inquiry. A very repeated overarching idea.
Let’s look.
I need “more” time than I have right now.
Is it true?
No.
How could I possibly know this to be true?
I’m not even sure why I want “more”! I notice there’s flow, there’s something happening, I call it time, I decide I need more of it, I’m trying to control my day, my pace, my process, my life, my happiness and believing it’s possible through MORE of something that apparently isn’t here in this moment.
Not exactly stress-free, to have this idea that MORE is needed, of anything….including time.
When I have the thought, I see pictures and images haunting me of what’s in store for the future. Unfinished tasks. Unaccomplished dreams. A life cut short.
I’m threatening myself with the need for “more” of this thing called time. I’m demanding, expecting, hoping for LOTS of it.
With the belief, I feel like I’m leaning forward, running forward, sometimes like there’s a headwind pushing against me. Like I have someone screaming in the future, way on the horizon, for me to go faster, more efficiently, quicker, and not give up!
Such a stressful project, idea, desire, vision.
Who would I be without this belief? Without this thought that I need more time, more, more, more time?
Standing here now, with limited days. No idea how many, but clearly they are limited.
Knowing there’s an end to this life as I know it, and it’s absolutely OK. It’s the way of it.
Without this belief rolling through the mind, could I open up to the idea that this moment is precious, sweet, enough. Nothing more required. No future day needed.
It doesn’t mean I stop doing anything. I notice I’m writing this. Fingers are tapping on a keyboard. I pause and gaze out the window to stare at morning dew on green grass for a moment.
I notice a clock here in the room, and awareness of my calendar for the day which is very full, and the next four days blocked off for retreat with people coming.
Without the thought I need more time, this moment feels like a joyful one. Enough.
We’ll all die at some point. I’ll be gone from this body, this life, this construct at some point.
Without the thought “I need more time” I notice such beauty of the room I’m in at this moment, faces of the people I love floating through my mind, visions of the people traveling today to come to retreat who I get to meet for the first time, a journey underway….
….but THIS moment now is full of silence and the refrigerator humming very softly.
Enough, enough, enough.
Shhhhhhh.
Hush, quiet, thrill, joy, peace.
Gratitude I have this moment. I could be gone in an hour, for all I know (and I love that I have no idea). Wondrous world, unfolding in yet another day I get to experience, another morning blossoming.
Without the thought, I notice the sweet evening last night that accomplished absolutely nothing for the retreat beginning tomorrow (apparently), but the joy of connecting with people who came to learn how to do The Work when it comes to compulsive behavior. I got to deeply listen, hear their words, hear their questions. I forgot all about how long the to-do list was. Nothing on that list required.
Turning the thought around: I do NOT need more time. I need less time. My thinking needs more time. I need more of myself, in this moment.
Ooooh, here I am giving time to my thinking, writing this Grace Note, questioning thoughts of “more”. Here I am feeling this moment, now, and opening up to the idea that it’s plenty, it’s enough, it’s genius.
I do not need more time to finish anything, write that book, find love, sort out that uncomfortable relationship, experience, get enlightened, live.
All those things are happening right now. Right now.
“Everything that seems permanent is in truth impermanent and will be smashed….Right now, in this very moment, you stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realizing this simple thing is the key to unspeakable joy….Everything is present.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Even the imagined future I would get with more time is not somewhere in the future as a good-feeling moment.
Despite having this amount of time I have….
….or perhaps because I have limited time, lost time, no more time….
….I can slow down, even to a halt, and feel the gratitude of absolutely unknowing impermanence, the thank you for this day, now, and nothing more.
Life artist: creating a symphony of meaning out of suffering by questioning the forever-ness of troubled times
This past weekend I sent a Grace Note out that said a free inquiry jam session (people dialing in to do The Work) would be happening at 7:45 am. On Saturday morning.
Only, the free inquiry session had already happened, the day before, on Friday.
Because I got quite a few emails of confusion, people trying the link and finding “this event is OVER” (yep, already happened the day before) I decided to just do it again on Sunday morning.
Let’s do it a second time!
It was great.
Someone had a particularly important question at one of these inquiry sessions.
That is….can you start doing The Work with Question #6 on your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet?
Question #6 is the last one you answer, as you sort through your stressful situation, the situation bringing you deep pain.
You’ve already written down what you want, what should or shouldn’t be going on, what advice you’d give, what you need in order to be happy. You’ve described what you see in that situation, about the other person or condition.
And then, at the end, you get to make your big grand WISH and dream statement in Question #6.
You get to write down the thing you never, ever, ever want to experience again, if you had your way.
The inquirer who was thinking she’d start her inquiry on a situation described the dilemma. Her issue had to do with her mom, and money, all rolled up into one. Her answer to question number six was “I don’t ever want to want what I can never have.”
Now, there’s nothing wrong with seeing this thought arise. There’s nothing wrong with writing it. It’s a powerful, deep, grand thought.
It’s so liberating to be able to write a thought like this down, when writing your worksheet. I notice the mind thinks it anyway.
I’ve had this thought myself.
But what I suggested is if you start right there, at the end with the last Big Global Assumption, you might cover the whole world, and cover a lot of ground as you consider your inquiry, but it could very likely be too big, too much and too wide to really “get” a clear answer.
You can’t really dig into it, and the truth of reality right in the middle of that terrible and difficult situation.
So we went backwards, up to what she wrote in other parts of her Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and we worked one of those, first.
I find, it really is easier to start at the top of any given worksheet, and move down through the questions, one by one.
So, why not go to the big kahuna thought right away?
I’ll give you an example from my own life.
Last week, I was far away from home, listening to a wonderful teacher, gathered with pretty amazing, thoughtful people. We were contemplating much about the history of culture, especially western culture, the people who fought and warred and battled, and the people who fled, and the people who immigrated, and the movement of beliefs from one to the next generation.
I had the thought…”wow, times have always been troubled. Humans have always suffered. People have always been at odds with one another, had to navigate conflict, fallen asleep, failed, given up, been tortured or sad or despairing…”
I raised my hand.
“Haven’t people always been troubled?”
What came back to me from our wise teacher was the most fascinating suggestion: basically, to question that thought. Even if the venue, the format and the tool or model was not The Work.
I realized right then….inside, under, around this believing in trouble, was a Big Kahuna Global thought I was assuming to be true without even questioning it: I don’t ever want to live through severely troubled times, ever.
If I had begun this investigation by questioning the belief “I don’t ever want to live in troubled times” I probably wouldn’t have challenged the belief that these troubled times have ALWAYS been here.
If I turned the thought around immediately, without considering what I’m honestly thinking of as troubled….I would find these turnarounds which are done a particular way for Question #6: “I always want to live in troubled times. I’m willing to always live in troubled times. I look forward to always living in troubled times.”
Always troubled, never un-troubled. Always rough waters. Always at war. Always, always.
Very painful. Quite harsh. Hard to feel hope, joy or peace in this moment right now, if everything is “always”.
So I loved being guided back within, by following the simple steps I already know, to the first thought instead….times have been troubled for humans….always….how did I get this idea?
What is my specific proof, as I hear stories of history, some of whom are my own ancestors? What does this mean about me? What does it mean about my future, or the future of my neighborhood, or this city, or the planet?
Troubled times are intolerable, relentless….and have always been here.
Is this true?
Hmmm.
Woah.
Are you saying?…
You mean, I could be wrong? It’s not always this way for eternity backwards in time, and it may not be this way for the rest of eternity into the future? It may not be inevitable that trouble means The End and something I must avoid or can’t handle?
Are you sure troubled times are “always”?
Well. No. I just thought….
….because of learning and reading and hearing stories of the past, and listening, and being with people and their words, and because of my feelings when hard things happen, that trouble is “always”.
I’ve got so many examples.
But I can’t know this means it will be forever, and it already was forever, or that I can’t tolerate it, or that it’s relentless. I really do not know.
How do you react when you believe “it’s always been this way (troubled)”?
Soooo sad. Trying to think positive. Quick do The Work so I can stop thinking of this despair. Trying to solve the problem, or, the reverse, giving up and hiding under the covers. Searching the globe for answers, for hope.
Reaching, seeking, worrying, hiding.
Who would I be without this story that it’s always been this way….Troubled, relentless, agonizing?
Who would you be without the belief you’ve always had trouble with “x” or been in conflict with “y”?
Wow.
Boing! (Like getting bonked on the head with a foam mallet in a cartoon and hearing the “boingggg!” sound).
Without the belief or the thought, I’d be noticing that troubles come and troubles go, and there are spaces in between of peace, or freedom.
I’d notice I’m inspired or motivated by troubles.
I’d see all sides and angles to the troubles….not all-devastation all-the-time.
I’d wonder what I can do, in the midst of “troubles”? I’d wonder what happened along the way, with curiosity and an open mind, that created persistent troubled times?
I wouldn’t be in denial, trying to seek a mystical untroubled place Somewhere Else. I’d be here, now, maybe even with a breaking heart and a full heart, but here.
I’d talk with others about these troubles, I’d contribute more, I’d connect honestly. I’d question my thinking, I’d turn my thinking around.
It has not always been this way. It is not always troubled, now.
My thinking is troubled, my viewpoint is troubled….about myself, about this world, about the human condition.
Could these thoughts be just as true, or truer?
Could it be possible to see clearly, notice suffering and devastation and difficulty, but not give up “forever”, not find it intolerable, not think there is No Solution possible?
Yes.
“Out of the cacophony of random suffering and chaos that can mark human life, the life artist sees or creates a symphony of meaning and order. A life of wholeness does not depend on what we experience. Wholeness depends on how we experience our lives.” ~ Desmond Tutu
It hasn’t always been this way in the past, therefore it won’t always be this way in the future.
Now that’s exciting. That’s being a life artist.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Come join the group this upcoming week, we’ll squeeze you in when you can attend, or start with us on October 23rd for the nine-month journey with others in Living Turnarounds. When we question trouble, always…we find love in action, now.
peace like a river: letting the four questions lead you… (like my Bonnechere River view in northern Ontario last week)
This morning 7:45 am Pacific Time, join from anywhere in the world for 75 minutes of The Work of Byron Katie. Use your phone or computer to connect. To join me, click here.
There’s nothing like doing The Work with other people, whether it’s one person, or a group, or an auditorium.
Long ago, when I went to the 9 day school for The Work (March 2005) I was a little startled at all the people milling about and entering the huge hotel conference room.
We were handed beautiful red roses, one for every person, a bag with a notebook and materials inside, a name tag that went around our necks, and ushered into a huge room filled with chairs.
Part of me also thought….oh good. There are so many people here, I won’t ever have to actually talk. I am definitely NOT taking the microphone.
I sat near the back.
Each day, I slowly moved forward in the seats until around Day 5 I sat in the very front row, in direct view of Byron Katie and the front stage and all that might occur in the front of the room.
Just this move was a big deal for me, I was so shy.
Many brave people asked questions, and I would think “I don’t have the guts to raise my hand and speak up….and I have no questions anyway.”
This didn’t last….I later raised my hand at another event, and shared, and read my worksheet out loud to the entire audience, and even did The Work on stage with Katie. But at that first school, I was super quiet.
I still learned a ton.
I learned so much, even without sharing, that my mind was literally blown open and I left a changed human being, from that point forward, never to go back to all my old ways of thinking. I also left grateful for every single person who spoke up, stood up, told the truth, asked questions, and did The Work with Katie out in the open, whether they were afraid, or not.
The power of other peoples’ work, and their sharing and raised hands, has made all the difference in my life. It kept me moving forward when my head was completely foggy and I had no idea where to go next with my own work.
Listening is deeply transformative.
And it sure is different than sitting in your own same-old thoughts you don’t seem to break away from or question when you’re on your own. I had such a hard time doing The Work in my own brain, and connecting with others sank it in deeper every time, without fail.
In just a few weeks, the Sunday monthly deep-divers group is beginning again, like last year. This is a three hour group, like a little mini retreat once a month, for people who want to dive deeply into the group and connect with others for support.
We’ll be focusing on living turnarounds. That is, making shifts and changes and wondering about what it really looks like to be without our stressful thoughts, one thought at a time. We’ll be taking what we find in The Work, and bringing it into action in our lives.
People can attend the Sunday Deep Divers group one at a time, or you can sign up for all 9 months all at once. This is a closed group, not a drop-in group, but it’s totally OK if you see you can’t attend them all (please let me know which ones you can).
Please see the exact dates of our groups and read about it here.
We had a brilliant time last year, such a sweet way to connect, get to know others, and stay in The Work….and on a Sunday afternoon, how cool is that? (Not a week day evening).
People come from fairly far to attend, and this group is limited to 14 participants. I’ll offer guidance for people to facilitate one another in between sessions (you can sign up for every time we meet) and you can be assigned a partner every month, or opt-out, based on what works in your schedule.
You can do The Work on what comes between you and a peaceful life. We’ll do some great exercises in inquiry, and learn and grow together. All materials and handouts are supplied.
If you register for the entire Deep Divers program, you get a significant discount, the equivalent of missing two sessions for no charge.
The commitment to every session is not required, you can check your calendar and see which groups you can’t make, and then pay per session ($65). However, if you are not available to register for the full program of 9 months, please let me know by hitting “reply” and I’ll put you on the list for those only able to attend on a part-time basis. I’ll be filling spots with people wanting the whole kit and kaboodle first.
The whole program is $450 for the year, through June 11, 2017.
Can’t wait to see you….our first group is Sunday, October 23rd 3-6 pm, and everyone is welcome, whether you’re a beginner or experienced and everything in between.
Check the dates here and I look forward to serving everyone who comes in this powerful process called questioning your painful thinking, and changing our lives.
“After my life changed in 1986, I spent a lot of time in the desert near my home, just listening to myself. Stories arose inside me that had been troubling mankind forever. Sooner or later, I witnessed every concept, it seemed, and I discovered that even though I was alone in the desert, the whole world was with me. And it sounded like this: ‘I want,’ ‘I need,’ ‘they should,’ ‘they shouldn’t,’ ‘I’m angry because,’ ‘I’m sad,’ ‘I’ll never,’ ‘I don’t want to.’ These phrases, which repeated themselves over and over in my mind, became the basis for the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet…..You’ll put each written statement, one by one, up against the four questions and let each of them lead you to the truth.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Local Year of Inquiry members attend for no extra fee.
If someone praises you and really, really wants your attention or help, how do you say “no”? First…The Work. Then….say “no”.
Have you ever noticed that praise sometimes gets you into hot water?
As in, you just get this weird feeling there’s a catch, or you feel uncomfortable because it’s too much?
We all know criticism, aimed at us, feels bad (until you inquire) but what about praise?
Have you ever had someone want to follow you home like a puppy, or call you too often, or take you out on dates too much, or go kind of over the top with their “demands” for your time and attention
Heh heh, notice how I used the word “demands”.
Might be something to question here, right?
In Year of Inquiry Monday morning we started our second month topic: Family of Origin.
As I looked at praise in my first couple of years doing The Work, some powerful revelations came to the surface that led all the way back to FOO (short for family of origin, isn’t it perfect?)
But I didn’t really know, when I first started looking at “praise” that it was so stressful.
At the beginning of every month in Year of Inquiry, we start off with an Introduction Session. This is brand new to any previous year of inquiry groups. Time for Q & A, exercises to help understand and work with the topic, and suggestions for HOW to get into the topic at hand.
And family of origin (FOO), as you certainly know, is a big one.
Which is why I go there early, in month two.
One exercise I offered everyone in YOI is something that worked well for me. Somewhere along the way I noticed I had the same repeating Top Ten Hits over and over when it came to highly charged stressful beliefs.
To be honest, it was more like the Top Three stressful beliefs: I am abandoned, I am unloved, I am starving.
Now, this doesn’t mean I was starving for food, literally (although I ate like this was the case—major clue).
But these thoughts followed me, ready to be riled up or triggered or churned up at a moment’s notice. And that last one, the one where I felt like I was starving, was a tricky little devil for seeking and needing and wanting and craving love.
Praise was like an elixir, like a drug. Give me more. Oh, that person likes me? I shall now follow them everywhere.
I know, yikes. Bummer. Can’t praise be OK? Compliments, someone saying “yes”, I want you, I love you? Can’t those be good things?
Well of course they can be beautiful and supportive words and actions from someone else towards you, but sometimes….
….not so much.
I’ve had a couple of those kinds of relationships, not just potential love relationships, but also friendship without any sexual expectation or attraction whatsoever, and yet still a grabby, hopeful, I-need-you type feeling.
Sometimes, someone even writes to me with some of this energy. It goes with the territory of working with people on their pain and suffering. And it’s OK, because I’ve been doing my work on this. I feel the compassion of how I felt the very same way, and followed the same track of desperation (and then hid it for fear of being too much). I get these people who have tons of questions and want to connect and converse and bond. With inquiry, and having my business itself be to assist the process of feeling desperate, it’s not a problem. I am compensated for my time. I even love answering their emails.
But the other day, an old friend I don’t have much contact with left me a voice message with the words “I needed a friend” and the implication that I wasn’t there for him, being a friend.
Which was true. I wasn’t “there”.
Part of me didn’t like the tone.
You should have heard the chatter start up in my mind, like a forest of disturbed monkeys, as I re-listened to the voice message.
Is he implying I’m not a GOOD friend? I think he is!
He shouldn’t make me feel guilty about not wanting a close, sharing, on-going relationship. He’s soooooo needy! What a clinger. He has plenty of amazing friends and a massive support system to be held up by, why does he need to….
Oh.
Right.
Who started this internal dialogue and fearful war within?
Um. Yeah. I raise my hand.
All that person did was leave a message, expressing himself.
Since we’re in the FOO month of Year Of Inquiry, I became aware of the presence of my father, standing behind the message. The tone, the voice, the hoped-for response, the dilemma, the praise given and therefore an expected return.
He’s sad. My father is sad. He’s in need of love. My father is in need of love. He’s depressed. My father is depressed. He’s going to be upset unless I say “yes”. My father is going to be upset unless I say “yes”.
I should call, this person needs help, I am the one who gives support, my love is requested, my support is desirable….therefore, I must give it.
Otherwise….what? What’s the worst that could happen?
I see the person showing up at my house, in need. I see them needing endless support. I see them believing a good friend is someone who listens….for hours, at the expense of their own time.
A friend is someone who doesn’t say “no”.
Suddenly I also see another family member in my mind’s eye, only a few years ago. “You are family” she is saying. “I would do anything, for any of you, any time. I would give you the shirt off my back. You are the people I’m closest to. Ask me for help, I’m always here.” Tears are running down her cheeks with the emotional feeling she’s expressing of love and care for family.
And then, someone in the family did something, said something, and this very same person is not speaking to the entire family. She is not reachable, she shows up at zero family events, and she’s been vicious and angry with her words.
So much hurt, so much pain and agony.
THAT is the worst that could happen, I realize. (See #1 Top Three Stressful Beliefs Above).
When you don’t do what they need, in the name of love, you arebanished.
Banishment leads to starvation, which leads to grabbing and gorging, which leads to banishment. Oh lord, the pendulum swings so far out of the middle, your head gets whacked back and forth.
So let’s look at this unusual place of too much praise, in the other person, and thoughts about needing to rescue, or respond, or say “yes”….and if it’s really true!
He needs my attention, kindness, and love. We have to talk if he wants to talk, and spend time together. I need to say “yes” to make him happy.
Is that true?
Woah.
It’s not.
I can feel love, joy, appreciation for someone I really honestly care deeply about, and not be hanging out with them, or communicating with them, or living with them, or supplying them with help.
I can say no to any of that.
How do I react when I believe the thought he needs my love, attention, kindness? When I believe I need to say “yes” to make him happy?
OMG, it’s sooooo stressful.
Hand-wringing. Compromising. Pretending. Smiling when I don’t feel like it. Making excuses. Acting nice when I don’t feel so nice.
Ugh.
Who would I be without this story that this other person needs me, or would be so happy if I gave attention, or love, or approval?
So free.
Free to come and go, say “yes” and say “no” in the way that’s TRULY honest and natural.
Without the belief, I trust myself and I trust reality….I feel the “no” or the “yes” and I honor it, instead of debating it or fearing it.
Turning the thoughts around: He does not need my attention, kindness, or love. I need my own attention, kindness and love. I need his attention, kindness and love.
We do not have to talk if he wants to talk, or spend time together. I need to say “no” to make him happy. I need to say “yes” to myself to be happy.
Yes, I need to follow my own inner movement. I can say “yes” and then change my mind. I can say “no” right from the start. I can say whatever the words are that respond to what I feel honestly, without mincing them or changing them all around or making them light so they land well (and wind up confusing).
He doesn’t need anything from me. He is self-sufficient, gentle by nature, and sorting out his life (this fits for my dad, it fits for my friend). He doesn’t need me to say “yes” in order to be happy! He has happy times, and busy times, and a whole entire life without me.
It’s more efficient, even, if I say “no” when I mean it. For everyone involved.
And wow….I haven’t realized how much I love the praise at being an attentive, kind, caring, wise person. I needed my dad’s approval. My friend’s approval.
Yikes.
What if I needed their DIS-approval, when I say “no” after they asked for my time and attention?
With their disapproval, rather than praise, I might see how I stick with my “no” even if they don’t like it. I might not do love-hate flip-flops like the family member I mentioned who loves then hates everyone.
If I’m disapproved of, rather than praised, I might remain very steady, open and available. I would do The Work. I could keep sharing and communicating. I would not feel the need to force any firmness, but just feel willing and kind. I remember what it’s like to disapprove of someone if they don’t praise me or say “yes” to me.
I could trust myself to be with that other person, freely. And they could trust me to be a truth-teller.
“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.” ~ Byron Katie
When they praise you and you notice that you love them (and love yourself) with all your heart, your Work is done.
As always, a little shuffling goes on in September for the Year of Inquiry program that just began. One person joined last week, one decided to leave, one switched to Eating Peace two weeks ago.
I suddenly realized something, with some of the thoughts in my brain about shuffling, in and out, joining and departing: I’m feeling unhappy about the instability, the lack of guarantee, the comings and goings….namely the “goings” part.
Again. Oh jeez.
I know that may sound like….well, of course. This is something to be unhappy about if someone withdraws, leaves or goes.
But it also sounded to me like the echoes of a belief I’ve questioned before about people leaving in general, and I thought “oh brother, here we go again.”
I need to know who’s in and who’s out. I need to know when, how, and where.
Temporariness is hard to live with, it seems, to my human mind.
But is it? Is this actually true?
The most gigantic temporariness I ever realized was under the spell of something to be feared, worried about, horrified with….
….was Endings.
In the form of death especially.
A huge Nooooooo shouted up at the sky for the “ending” of something. Over. Finished. Done. Wail!
This doesn’t have to be about the Big One (death). It can be about a relationship break-up, a job ending, the family home being sold, divorce, the end of a vacation, or like I mentioned the whispering sadness of a lovely person dropping a course.
Goodbyes are hard.
Is that true?
How do you feel, speak, react when you believe goodbyes are difficult, or unbearable, or an emergency, or must be stopped?
I’ve worked with so many people on this topic.
Huge inner stress.
This past week, I’ve been in northern Ontario province of Canada with a brilliant group of learners all gathering to talk about and inquire into wisdom, death and dying, connection, temporariness, life and living.
One topic brought forth was the act of saying goodbye.
Here comes the voice, the thought…I can’t stand goodbyes. I don’t like parting ways. I don’t want this to end. This shouldn’t be this way. I need it to keep going, and never stop.
Is this actually true?
Because, I notice, reality has goodbye and hello and goodbye and hello over and over again. Constantly.
Which means even if someone has not left, they might. So even worrying about something departing later, in the future, becomes frightening, and how I react….when I continue to believe that departures are bad.
I clutch. I grab.
I often looked at money this way. It needs to stay, and grow, and never say goodbye.
Is it even true that you need to keep the thing you’re worried about diminishing later?
You don’t have enough love (when this person leaves your life). Is that true?
You don’t have enough money, energy, support. True?
You don’t have enough clients, work, people in your retreat.
Is this actually true?
No. I find over and over again…..no, not true.
Perhaps very drilled into our bones, though. Such a common stress. I’ve experienced it time and again. I’ll look at so many little things like it isn’t enough, compared to “that” over there. I need to keep this, I need more, I need to take, I need to be connected, I need to have.
And I notice, when I think my empty nest house right now is not as good as the full house with a “complete” family in it, I suffer.
But can you really be sure goodbyes are sad, or bad, or to be avoided? Are you positive you don’t have enough people around, or love, or support? (Even if you’re sitting in a room by yourself)?
No.
How do you react when you believe “Goodbyes are bad!” (In my case, I’m thinking about people withdrawing from something I’m offering).
Woah is me. Pity party. I quit. Cancel everything. I can’t do it right. Why continue to bother.
Now….who would you be without this story?
Without any thought at all that what’s happening isn’t enough right now, that it’s off, that more would be better, or it was better before these changes? Without the belief that goodbyes are hard, or intolerable, or to be avoided?
I would be so much more clear. More present, more aware, more alive. More feeling full of the heart-break of departure and the joy of reunion, but somehow trusting it all and knowing it’s not up to me, and I can make a clean “goodbye”, or hear one, without regret. With trust.
I might even be laughing, without the thought that goodbyes are bad.
Without the belief in Bad Goodbye’s Good Hello’s I would notice the tide going in and out, and the emptiness of any moment, also full, in this world of both/two/duality/multitudes.
Maybe even laughing and then crying, almost at the same time, and allowing even this to be as it is.
Without the belief that goodbyes are ultimately bad, I’m aware of the equal and opposite advantages for any given moment, I become excited. Turnarounds are so thrilling and wild to try on!
This goodbye is not hard. I like this goodbye. I like this hello into something new that doesn’t involve the same format as before. This is NOT goodbye.
I love parting ways….with my old outdated thinking and stories. I want this to end. This should be this way. I need this to happen, just the way it is.
With the story of Not Enough-ness or “OH NO!”….
….I’m taking in information about what is, and maybe I make adjustments and changes not only to this moment as I inquire, but also to my program(s). Something new is created. I feel the “hello” along with the “goodbye”.
Without this story of being against What Is, I learn to move with the flow, and the sheer joy of this life not being mine.
This is not “mine”. Departures or communions, both not guaranteed to go as I think they should. Both not “mine”. Both definitely happening. Both in the hands of something that knows more than I do.
“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings. God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one.” ~ Rumi
Much love, Grace
P.S. Fall Retreat is sold out full, but there is a spot in Year of Inquiry. We have only just begun Month 2 out of 12. Write to me if you’re seriously interested. If you join YOI then we can squeeze you in to Fall Retreat, or you can join YOI for telesessions-only if you’re not able to attend retreats.
