Month: August 2017

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I need more time!

First Friday Inquiry with Grace is here! We start at 7:45 am Pacific Time. Everyone and anyone is welcome to join, listen, raise your hand to share or “do” The Work. We’ll begin by filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Use this as a time to simply do The Work. I’ll walk you through step by step. Beginners and experienced all are welcome. All you need to bring is a pen and paper, dial in with your phone or computer, and get ready to open your mind.

Click the link here to join me for First Friday (everyone joining will be muted, so don’t be shy, you can come and see what it’s like by listening in). No one is required to share out loud.

And…

Sunday at 5 pm Pacific Time the doors close for Year of Inquiry. I am so, so honored and excited for the beautiful group who have joined. While the full program earns a huge number of credits for Certification in The Work (166) through the Institute for The Work, the most important part of this program is doing The Work. Some people will do TeleSessions Only (the flexible version where you are not earning credit) and some will jump in to complete all requirements for training in the Institute as a Certified Facilitator. Two levels of participation.

I get so excited because….wondering if our stressful beliefs are true is a most stunning and beautiful experience to have.

To read about Year of Inquiry and enroll, visit HERE. If you have questions, I’ll probably be answering them all weekend, so don’t hesitate to write grace@workwithgrace.com.

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One thing we’ll be doing in Year of Inquiry Month Three is noticing our common, frequent Top Ten Stressful Hits. Have you ever noticed repetitive objections or complaints can repeat themselves regularly, over and over, in your head?

There’s not enough time. Life is hard. He doesn’t care about me. I’ve been abandoned. I need x in order to be happy. I can’t go on unless…..

The scenes, or situations, or even the people and characters involved can change….

…but here comes the same thought. Again.

Byron Katie refers to these kinds of repetitive thoughts as Underlying Beliefs (and so do other speakers, authors, researchers).

These beliefs maybe formed when you were really young. Or perhaps they began before your time, and they were passed along from generation to generation and you received these beliefs from your mom or dad without even realizing it.

You can still question them. Especially when they’re stressful.

The other day, I was writing for a book project underway. I get to write one chapter in a collection of chapters written by facilitators of The Work who have been inquiring for a long time. The deadline for the chapter was yesterday.

I had the thought just like I’ve had with so many projects and events in life: “I need more time.”

It’s possible this thought will never go away. It’s just a little voice that likes to sing. About “time”.

Time, time, time we love time! More time, more time, more! Not enough time, not enough time, not enough!

I chuckled after I heard the thought “I need more time”. Because almost immediately I had the question “Is it true?”

No.

Because I really have sat many times with this inquiry and felt the spaciousness of what it’s like without believing I need more time. For anything.

Not more time for this book writing project, not for hanging out with a close friend, not for making more money, not for running a race, not for weeding the garden, not for waking up or becoming enlightened, not for being alive.

I notice there’s always this moment, here right now. I can only finish what I finish, do what I do, live this life, be this.

There’s no more time available….that’s reality. There’s no less time either. The amount of time required is in the hands of something else, some other force, not this personal small identity of “me”.

Who would you be without this underlying belief, a human belief passed along for ages from one to the next to the next, that we must hurry, or we’re under pressure, or there’s not enough time?

What if Unfinished…..is OK?

Could the amount we have be enough? Be plenty?

Turning my ancient repetitive belief around: I have enough time. I do not need more time. Only my thinking needs more time.

Could it be the manuscript of this book chapter is “done” for now?

Of course. I tweak, edit, correct, update. Then the deadline comes, and off it goes. Good enough. What else would it be?

What are genuine examples of how you do NOT need more time in your life, for whatever you think you need more time for?

Why do you need more time, anyway?

Ahhhhh, therein lies the interesting question. Because I love this so much, I’m afraid of losing it. Because I dislike this, I need time to fix it. Because people will disapprove, time will fix the disapproval. Because people approve, time will keep it going.

Are any of these conclusions absolutely true?

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

It’s only my thinking that actually needs more time.

And one way I can give my thinking more time….is questioning it’s beliefs, with The Work.

Ahhhhhhh.

The question, O me! so sad, recurring–What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer.
That you are here–that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.
~ Walt Whitman
Much love,
Grace

P.S. I was on the radio with some local Seattle people. Listen to the show HERE.

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Here’s the bottom line

Countdown to Year of Inquiry starting next week with Orientation, and the following week with live calls. We’re very close to full.

I love beginning the new year in September. It’s probably conditioning from schooling my entire childhood. It begins to feel like fall, with more orange sun, longer shadows, slightly shorter days. And my hands are clapping to think of sitting in self-inquiry with all the wonderful people showing up to share a year together.

There are 3 final spots open for the FULL program (receiving ITW credit for the equivalent of a School for The Work plus 80 more partnering credits plus a few more for a total of 166).

Two people asked about receiving credit inside ITW even if they’ve already completed two Schools for The Work. The answer is YES, you’d get credit in ITW for this Year of Inquiry program if you complete it in full, even if you’ve got two schools or more already on your certification resume.

So if you are interested in really diving in to full blown training and moving towards certification in The Work, being in your own investigation of what has stressed you in your life, and being a part of a group doing this together for a year….join us in this deep way to practice and sink into The Work as a way of living.

If you have questions about the full program, I’m happy to talk (press reply and we’ll set up a time). The fee for the FULL program earning all credits in the Institute for The Work is $3200 (or you can have the option of paying monthly). You’ll come to two retreats in Seattle (October and May) and partner with someone in the group once a month (you’ll receive a partner assignment, you don’t have to choose a partner yourself).

To join sign up here (you’ll see links at the bottom for your program choice): JOIN NOW.

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How do we know something’s stressful?

We feel it. Anger, rage, horror, terror, anxiety, shock, worry, sadness.

When feelings are really big….they can’t be missed.

But what about less obvious emotions? What if you feel just a slight irritation, or annoyance, or boredom?

Sometimes, when a feeling isn’t so crushing (and sometimes even when it is)….we humans can tend to move with speed towards the first instinctual order of business: Stop the feeling!! I want to get off!! 

Think about what it’s like when you take care of an upset baby.

We begin to try to figure out why the baby is crying, angry, fearful, distressed. If all basics are handled (hungry, thirsty, tired, diaper changed) then we often move to cheer the baby up. We shake shiny things, sing songs, make goofy noises, snap our fingers, bounce.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that….it’s often what works beautifully for babies.

As adults, however, there may be more than survival-level disturbances or needs. We are fed, clothed, watered and awake. Needs are met in the physical world.

Yet, instead of inquiring, writing, and studying more deeply what might be bothering us, we automatically want to shake shiny things. Eat, drink, smoke, nap, sneak, watch netflix, internet, clean, text, date, buy, spend, work.

Make the distress stop! 

If the stress stems from a disturbance in the mind, however, based on believing what you think as the Truth….

….no shiny thing will ever really work to end the suffering.

(I tried it with food, and it wasn’t pretty).

It may be interesting for awhile, but then, if you’re like me, you might feel haunted by ghosts from the past, or images of what terrible thing might happen in the future.

It goes unresolved until you inquire into the nature of what you fear, or of what you find most heart-breaking.

The good news?

Sitting with the pain and difficulty, and the feelings–whether big or small–winds up being the easier way.

It’s weird, I know. Am I saying the harder way is the easier way?

Yeah, I basically AM saying the “harder” way (feeling strongly, looking at the suffering directly) is easier.

The best way I know how to do this….and it involves listening to the mind and including it as a companion, not an enemy….

….is The Work.

Even if you never join Year of Inquiry or any other group program, you can do The Work. You can do it for free.

First, sit down and think of ONE thing only that’s bothering you. Maybe in the back of your mind. One person who betrayed you, or hurt you, or who you haven’t forgiven.

Remembering that person, see the situation that disturbs you most, and write it down using a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Be so very honest on this worksheet. Furious, desperate, vengeful, grief-stricken.

It might be really, really uncomfortable….but you’ve got four questions. The secret sauce to transformation. The end of having to keep talking about that problem endlessly.

You can do this!

“Here’s the bottom line: suffering is optional. If you prefer to suffer, go on believing your stressful thoughts. But if you’d rather be happy, question them.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

Much love,
Grace

P.S. Here’s the latest Peace Talk podcast on boredom stress. Enjoy and let me know what you think. Leave a review on itunes if you’re able to figure out how to leave reviews (LOL).

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Eating Peace: Freedom is not rebellion or control….it’s peace

After a couple of years of eating, gaining weight, feeling horrible, feeling like my obsession with eating was growing bigger….

….I decided I just had to control myself, no matter what.

I went on a major diet. Hard core. No starvation, no overeating. Very clear, clear boundaries. Very rigid. Weighing, measuring, counting. timing the way I would eat.

My belief about myself was I could not be trusted to eat in a normal peaceful way, so I threw myself in prison with a serious food plan.

I was miserable.

I felt afraid all the time. I felt angry. I was withdrawn from connection with other people. I was thinking about food constantly, just the same way I had been thinking about food all the time when I binge-ate.

Did eating really have to mean my only two choices were being Totally In Control or Totally Out of Control?

There had to be another way.

The Rebel can sometimes be the one who helps you find that other way.

The rebel by definition is the one who rises, with arms (violence) against the ruler who is in control. Often in the story of humanity, the rebels are then overruled by the current regime. It’s all about war and who has the most power.

But we can learn from rebellion stories, and from our own inner rebels….if we listen to them.

Who would we be if we stopped attacking or running away from either one of these extremes; Dictator or Rebel?

What does the rebel have to say? Why do you feel angry?

If anger existed in this situation around food, eating, taking in fuel in the world, expressing your feelings, trusting yourself, trusting you’ll get what you need….

….what do you think anger wants to say?

The brilliant Karla McLaren (whose work I refer to in the Eating Peace Process–the immersion program I offer live once a year) writes and speaks of anger as the one in you who stands up with passion for freedom, choice, health (when it’s a clear, holy sort of anger).

Anger goes sideways a lot, I know.

How do we work with it, so it becomes our ally and friend?

First….write down what it has to say. No matter how “wrong” or immature, non-politically correct, rude, ridiculous, shameful, mean.

Write down what the voice of the Rebel has to say. Listen to it for once instead of attacking it, or going with it.

When you write down what that feeling and voice has to say, especially when it’s been so powerful in your life, you give it the respect of listening.

And then….what next?

Have I got four questions (plus finding turnarounds) for you! The Work of Byron Katie. A most amazing contemplation for your inner world that brings awareness, and awareness that comes directly from that rebellious angry childish part of you.

No need to find anything different, no need to lock yourself up or lock up your feelings or force yourself to change.

I used to be on a diet, because I actually approached the world the very same way: treat the world like a diet. Avoid certain things, weigh some things, measure some things, count some things.

Otherwise…..suffer.

That wasn’t freedom, though. Freedom to be an imperfect human without a plan. Freedom to be real, clear, and have strong feelings–without having to eat over it.

Much love,

Grace

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Could the worst be the best?

The other day, I had a weird sense of dread come into my afternoon.

It wasn’t unfamiliar.

I almost immediately recognized the feeling as a response to several thoughts I was having about how life might be unfolding, and having an opinion about outcomes and what was “better” or “worse”.

Most people have had these kinds of thoughts before.

If “it” goes like “x” then I’ll be happy (“it” being a relationship, a conversation, a job, a goal, a plan, some kind of journey, even a vacation).

If “it” goes like “y” then I’ll be unhappy.

In my mind I pictured the upcoming Year of Inquiry program collapsing and everyone enrolled changing their mind. I also pictured a relationship with a family member that feels uncertain and distant. And another old friend who keeps asking to get together and I keep finding reasons not to. I also felt an intense sorrow about a very dear friend who has cancer.

So many images pouring into the present moment about what might happen….sooner or later.

Images that look like things going the way I do NOT want them to go.

Having these images appear in the mind can create fear, sadness, discouragement, and dread for sure.

But can I absolutely know any of these things underway….whether the upcoming year long program, or my family, or my distant friend, or the friend suffering from cancer….

….can I absolutely know something dreadful will happen in the future with any of them?

It would be dreadful if everyone in YOI suddenly decided to withdraw, it would be dreadful if she never spoke to me again for the rest of our lives, it would be dreadful if we got together and he was clingy or critical of me or demanding, it would be dreadful if he dies.

Sometimes, the pile of images in the mind all gathered together make it extra-dreaded.

But can I absolutely know something dreadful will happen, with anything, anytime, anywhere in the future?

Ummmm. Wouldn’t it be denial to say “no”? Because bad and terrible things could happen. They do sometimes.

Right?

But can I know with an absoluteness for All Time that how it goes is actually dreadful….that is, dread-filling, dread-worthy?

By definition in the dictionary, the word “dread” means to be afraid of, worry about, be anxious about, have forebodings about,

be terrified by, tremble/shudder at, shrink from, recoil from, quail at/before, flinch, get cold feet.
I can’t know what will happen. I don’t know if what will happen, even if it felt dreadful, wouldn’t change or morph into something else. I also notice “dread” can only arrive when I’m anticipating something in the future, not something NOW.
How do I react when I feel dread?
I think I can’t handle it. I try to get happy. I desire distraction. I tell myself there’s nothing to worry about quickly, without really doing inquiry. I see pictures of all the dreadful possibilities wafting through my head.
I might even think to myself “Jeez, what is your freakin’ problem? Aren’t you over this dread thing by now??!”
I know I used to eat from one end of the city to the other, when I felt dread long ago. I ate frantically. Some people drink, or smoke, or use drugs, or do other activities to get away from dread. I want to watch a spiritual movie, something uplifting, something hopeful.
So who would you be without this belief that there’s something dreadful coming?
Wow.
What a strange and unusual question. I lived my entire life for so long with the automatic belief there would always be dreadful things to deal with, and I must avoid them, or try to make sure they didn’t happen.
But without the belief in a fearful and dreadful event happening in the future, I feel my breath, my fingers typing these words, I hear the dryer going in the kitchen, I hear the bang-bang of construction happening nearby on my street, I see the gorgeous cherry leaves outside the window in the sun.
I notice silence, and life force, and nothing more, really, in this moment.
There is no failed program, or failed family relationship, or failed friendship, or death coming for my friend. Not the way I think it is. It will go however it goes, and I can’t ever know what it will actually be like, until it happens.
Turning the thought around: something wonderful will happen.
Couldn’t this be just as true, or truer?
How about finding examples? Can I see images of the very things I was dreading being wonderful events? Or events that I can handle quite easily? Or events that are positively life-changing for the future?
This doesn’t mean seeing the alternate “wonderful” outcomes for the same worries (although that could be fun, too) like imagining a program of so many awesome people in YOI it’s bursting with success, or hugging my long-estranged family member, or having a fabulous conversation with my old friend, or seeing the cancer go away for my other friend.
This is holding those images I think of as so frightening, and considering if there are any ways they are not dread-worthy….to see if they too could be wonderful.
How could it be interesting, heart-breaking, powerful, beautiful, life-changing….wonderful in it’s own strange way, if something went the “bad” way I think it could?
As Byron Katie says frequently, “if it’s a friendly universe, why would “x” (insert scary thing) happen?”
“If there was something other than gratitude in my mind, I would have the opportunity to question the thoughts that were causing me discomfort. The worst thing that can happen always turns out to be the best thing that can happen.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself
 
Astonishing.
I can see in this moment, nothing dreadful is happening, and I remember right now that everything I’ve ever experienced that I’ve considered scary or awful I’ve survived. And even if I hadn’t, how would I know for sure it was dreadful?
The world is full of many events and experiences and relationships. I sometimes don’t like them, but this work isn’t about making myself like them. It’s about noticing what’s true in this moment, and not joining in the argument with what is, could be, will be, was.
Without that argument, I notice the dread fades away, and life is an immense mix of feelings, learning, thinking, noticing, being. And I really have no idea what’s going on.
I notice when I believe “something wonderful will happen” this present moment gets lighter, funnier, not really that intense.
“If there was something other than gratitude in my mind, I would have the opportunity to question the thoughts that were causing me discomfort. The worst thing that can happen always turns out to be the best thing that can happen.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself
Much love,
Grace

P.S. Anyone who missed it and wants an overview of the upcoming YOI program, listen here: All About Year of Inquiry. Just a few spots left. Program starts with Orientation Sept 5th and Sept 7th, live calls start Sept 12th.

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Exclude nothing, welcome it. The astonishing practice of The Work.

Have you ever experienced the feeling like you know The Work of Byron Katie is transformative, you’ve tried it, you’ve done it, you’ve been in workshops on The Work, you’ve sat with Katie in person, you’ve even gone to The School for The Work….

….and yet, something isn’t jarring loose? Something keeps on keepin’ on, it keeps repeating itself, you keep feeling bad about the same thing, you don’t really get how to address your particular relationship(s) or issue?

It can’t be so simple, can it? You can’t just “question your thinking” and change your life, can you?

Yet we’re drawn, constantly, to inquire once we’ve been bit by the bug of the power of self-inquiry. To wonder about if what we’re thinking is actually true is amazing!

What if everything I’ve ever been terrified of isn’t actually true?

Wow. Exciting.

But even though I’ve known and deeply experienced and been fundamentally changed and impressed by The Work, I haven’t always felt the power of it.

I know how to do The Work, but….(we have our reasons we don’t do it, or we think it won’t work….)

The grooves and habits we’re in are perhaps deep, and practiced for many years (since childhood)!

Over the past ten years I’ve worked on my own thoughts about the following topics, and worked with so many people who were suffering about the very same situations.

  • Doing The Work on someone who really angers you, where you felt resentment or even rage for being betrayed, ignored, hurt.
  • Doing The Work on money, or loss of your job, or feeling anxious about your survival because of the volatility of money or your career.
  • Doing The Work on addictions, like going to the fridge for more, more, more when you’re clearly not hungry, or drinking to where you don’t remember what you said, or smoking cigarettes when you thought you already quit.
  • Doing The Work on love, sexuality, couples, marriage or divorce
  • Doing The Work on getting cancer, hurting yourself physically, aging, or not being attractive enough.
  • Doing The Work on the pain of being alive, on mother, father, sister, brother….on everything we learned or experienced when we were tiny things.

If you wonder about hitches or blocks about doing The Work, like thinking it’s not as big a deal as it seems, or it’s just not so light and easy, you may enjoy listening to the live immersion webinar today.

Come join me for an investigation of what typically blocks us when it comes to this profound and transformational self-inquiry.

We start today, Tuesday, August 22nd at 8:30 am PT: Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. (2 hours) Click HERE to register. Bring a pen and paper.

At the very end, and I mean truly after 90 minutes of only focusing on barriers to The Work and wonderful exercises to help crack them….I’ll talk about Year of Inquiry for those interested in the one year program starting soon (live calls start the week of Sept 15).

But if you aren’t drawn or can’t attend this live webinar….don’t worry.

I’m here with you in The Work. No one needs a webinar to do The Work. The Work is something you can do, free of charge, by answering four questions and finding turnarounds.

All you need to do is identify one particularly stressful thought today. Write it down.

Then hold it up against the four questions. Keep repeating it over again, as you wonder about every question, and every answer. Then find your turnarounds….all the opposites to your stressful belief.

If you have a special and particularly difficult stressful thought, hit reply and let me know what it is and if you’ve worked it before. I’ll write about it in a Grace Note soon.

“When the mind begins inquiry as a practice, it learns as a student of itself that everything is for it. Everything adds to it, enlightens it, nourishes it, reveals it. Nothing is or ever was against it. This is a mind that has grown beyond opposites. It’s no longer split. It keeps opening, because it’s living out of a fearless, undefended state, and it’s eager for knowledge. It realizes that it’s everything, so it learns to exclude nothing, to welcome it all.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

Let’s do The Work. Because nothing could be so wonderful as to not be against what happens.

Much love,

Grace

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But I could run out of money (that’s what HE thinks)!

The Summer Camp for The Mind daily group just completed, and oh what a summer of inquiry.

I noticed the very last week, we had quite a few stressful beliefs about money appear.

Money is a beautiful and brilliant topic for inquiry. It causes a lot of stress, anxiety, anger and fear in peoples’ lives, when we don’t question it.

Even thinking about other peoples’ money causes stress for many of us. Whether those other people have loads of money, or teensy tiny amounts of money. And then, what those people are doing with their money, or not doing with it….oooh what a rich place for inquiry.

As I contemplated money and heard all the discussions about it, I noticed a situation appearing in my mind from many years ago. The thing I love about the work is how we can go back, to something from the past, and explore that powerful moment. (Who knows what can transform by doing this).

My memory: Four housemates and I were talking in the living room of a group house we all shared. Four young women and one man. None of us over 30. Our male roommate was speaking about his girlfriend and how she was from a stage and acting family in NYC. She had a lead role on a soap opera, which is why she didn’t live in our city. Her mom and dad were super wealthy and went to Martha’s Vineyard all summer to a family property.

My housemate continued his story; “she already pays for my plane tickets back and forth, and it’s practically nothing for her. I wish she’d just let me move in permanently. It’s not like she can’t afford it. And here I am working as a chimney sweep, it’s ridiculous.”

He really was working as a chimney sweep. For his brother.

Inside, I thought, jeez. What’s his problem? He’s so greedy and needy! What a loser! He really just wants to go live with his TV star girlfriend and not work? Wow. Ew.

He shouldn’t want his girlfriend’s financial support. 

So unattractive.

He should want to stick with his own life, create his own means for support. He shouldn’t turn to anyone else to pay for where he lives. He’s a user. And what’s he telling us about this dream of his to be a kept man for? Does he have no pride?

This scene took place 30 years ago, but as I sat with the image in my mind ready for inquiry, I could still remember my disappointment, maybe even a little disgust.

Ready to do The Work? Find where you thought someone should get a job, pay their fair share, quit depending on someone else (or hoping to), get their own money, support themselves. This happens fairly often inside families between parents and their children.

Is it true he shouldn’t want his girlfriend’s financial support?

Duh. Of course it’s true.

He should relax and be proud of his own ability to work, be creative, give service. He shouldn’t think money is so fabulous, or having her pay his plane tickets is so awesome. He should be excited to make his own way to the top, or to any level for that matter. He shouldn’t tell us, out loud, what he’s hoping for!

Wow, I sure had a lot of advice for the guy. I barely knew him. But I was ripping him to shreds in my mind.

Can you absolutely know it’s true he shouldn’t want her support?

Sitting still in that situation, going back in time thirty years, I mulled this over.

Maybe I couldn’t know he shouldn’t want what he wants, but I sure could know it was gross that he wanted it. I kept thinking something was wrong with him.

I could barely squeak a tiny speck-sized drop of doubt. Absolutely true, with zero doubt? I didn’t know. I had no idea of his financial history, or what he really thought of himself, or his abilities with money. I had no idea if it was wrong to “want”.

Just not knowing it was “bad” or “wrong” for him to want financial support was interesting alone. I still didn’t find it attractive. But I definitely couldn’t know it was true he shouldn’t want her support, just exactly the way he wanted it, in that situation.

How did I react when I believed he shouldn’t want her support?

I didn’t get to be closer friends with him. I even ignored him. We lived only a few months in that same house together, before he moved away to live with his girlfriend! I called him a free-loader in my head, a manipulator. I wished him failure. I was super judgmental.

It was a lot of judgment for someone I didn’t even barely know. I could hardly admit it, but I felt some jealousy. How come he gets a fancy life, and I don’t? I treated money like it was something distant and far away, something that belonged and was easy for those wealthy people. I treated money like it was the best thing in the world to have. I never questioned THAT part of the belief system or the stressful story I had running.

So who would I be without the belief that this housemate of mine shouldn’t want financial support from his girlfriend?

BOINNNGGG! (That’s like a board hitting a cartoon character in the head).

Without this belief? Are you serious? But!

You mean he’s allowed to want, and even to ask for, financial support from his girlfriend?

Why, yes! And who would I be to not object to it?

I’d be noticing how free this man was to ask for help. Noticing how free he was to tell his four housemates all about his personal love life and what he wanted, without really caring what we thought.

Without the belief he shouldn’t want financial support from another person, I could come back to myself and my own business and notice my own fears or worries about finances, and notice I may have some internal inquiry work to do.

I mean, why on earth would I care about some random man’s desires when it came to work, money, financial support and what he wanted to pay for or not pay for?

Without the belief he shouldn’t want financial support, I might reflect more closely on my own thoughts about money and how terrified I was at the time that I couldn’t support myself. In fact, it appeared I couldn’t! My parents sometimes sent me money to cover my student loans, I had a pretty low-paying entry level job, and I felt inadequate.

My self-image was so low at the time, when it came to money, that I believed I couldn’t earn enough of it, myself. I thought I’d have to work super hard to barely make ends meet.

I really thought the only way I’d ever be supported with abundance financially was if someone gave me money. It didn’t ever cross my mind that I could work, or build it into my own life through my own ideas, energy or creativity.

That was for other people. Like my housemate’s girlfriend.

I was in the lowly position of my housemate. Someone who needed help.

But who would I be without THAT very stressful thought?

Without this whole entire story of money….who would I really, truly be?

Gosh.

Holy smokes.

You mean, I am the one who shouldn’t want the financial support of someone else?

Yes. That’s the first turnaround. I shouldn’t want it. And why not? Because of the incredible possibility of what it could be like to support myself, in freedom, without feeling dependent, or less-than-able, or needy, or full of longing for that thing called money that’s way far away in other peoples’ bank accounts.

I shouldn’t want it, because I’m deeply interested in having my own relationship directly with money.

Another turnaround: he should want her financial support. Why not? It’s honest, and he didn’t like chimney sweeping. Perhaps he was more honest than I was, with my rules and judgment about what looked “right” and what looked “wrong”, especially in my own heart and my own relationship with money.

“Wealth is a state of mind; if anything is held back, it’s not true wealth….Abundance isn’t a word about yesterday or tomorrow. It’s recognized now, lived now, given now. It doesn’t ever stop; it just keeps pouring itself out. Once you understand this, all striving falls away. You need only notice and let the giving happen through you, excited to see where it will go next, always knowing that you’ll never run out of what’s needed.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

Can I be wealthy in the presence of anyone else, and any amount of money, and any words about what someone’s doing or not doing with money? That’s the real question. Can I feel the plentiful supply of life, no matter what’s happening with money?

Of course I can.

All that comes between me and that, are a few concepts about what’s required for happiness.

Ha ha! I can question that.

*August 22nd 8:30 am PT: Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. (2 hours) Click HERE to register. Bring a pen and paper.

Two additional Q & A sessions about Year of Inquiry. You don’t need to register, just click on over at the correct time:

*All About Year of Inquiry Webinar Weds August 23rd 2-3 pm PT

*All About Year of Inquiry Webinar Thur Aug 24th 5:30-6:30 pm PT

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: I HAVE TO eat. Let’s do The Work on this stressful belief!

In the moment we begin craving, we start believing “I have to eat”.

It could even be we have the thought “I have to eat” out of constant repetitive habit of doing this in the past….and then we begin to crave eating.

The craving gets bigger.

Then, it feels the only way to end this horrible craving, is to eat.

I’m against the craving! I hate the craving! I must end it, overpower it, switch the channel.

Self-inquiry at a very deep level is one way you’ll truly meet your craving, your compulsion to eat.

So let’s do it today. I share the process of inquiry here on this simple and very stressful thought “I have to eat!” (You can substitute anything here, for the word “eat”).

Turnaround Three: I have to inquire.

What else is the mind thinking, what other underlying beliefs are present in your experience of sharing the world with food and a body that eats? What are you afraid of? Or sad about?

These are other beautiful questions that appear under the thought “I have to eat”. The awareness of disturbed feelings under the surface that just want a little comfort.

Inquiry will comfort them more than food. Really! Find out for yourself.

Much love, Grace

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I was rejected

I wrote a long, friendly email. I sent it off. I expected a great response. A thumbs up. Instead….a no thank you. That won’t work for me.

Rejection.

Nothing like it.

We’re not talking failure. Or being forgotten. Or losing out.

REJECTION.

The word comes from the Latin word re, which means “back”, and jacere which means “to throw”. Throw back.

Like something you caught and you think…..ew. Gross. Get rid of it.

When we reject something, we notice it, and actually wish it was gone, or that we need to make it go away if at all possible.

Experiencing rejection is tough.

Energy coming from something else or someone else directed towards me, saying “get outta here!”

He rejected me. She rejected me. They rejected me.

Are you actually rejected though?

Can you absolutely be sure?

No.

Because I’m still existing. I live. I go about my daily life. They rejected me (I believe) but I’m still here, on planet earth. I can’t absolutely know I am rejected entirely, fundamentally, forever. I’m not even sure what that would look like….death? Banishment?

How do I react when I believe it’s possible to be rejected?

Ouch.

I’m very, very careful to never be rejected again. I’m cautious. I stay away from certain places, or people. I act non-rejectable. I get drawn to whatever people look like they are accepting, rather than rejecting.

I’m angry about rejection. I’m furious! I think righteously about that nasty person and what a nut-job they are. I defend myself. I’m the one who’s fine. THEY are the rejecting screw-ball. See what they’re like? I make a list of their faults. I reject them.

Who would I be without the belief they rejected me?

Wait, what?

But.

No really. Without the belief they rejected you? There they are being themselves, doing whatever they did, saying whatever they said….but you have no thought about it. You don’t know it means REJECTION.

What would that be like?

I’d see a person over there who’s acting frightened, maybe confused. Doing the best they can.

I’m over here, steady on, breathing, even open, curious.

Turning the thought around: they did NOT reject me. How could this be just as true, or truer? Even if they said “no” to you.

Well, I’m sitting in my lovely chair in my living room, looking out at the night sky beyond the window, noticing the quiet, the string lights illuminating the room. Not rejected. Living. Here.

I see that person was afraid, too. The one who I believe rejected me.

Turning it around again: I rejected myself. I rejected THEM. 

Oh wow.

How did I reject myself in this situation? How did I reject them?

This is not an exercise of aggression and self-criticism. It’s for taking a look at what could also be true, and seeing this energy called “rejection” and relaxing with it, instead of fighting it.

How could I have rejected myself, in that situation, and rejected that other person?

I did rip that person to shreds in my mind, calling them “needy” and “rude” and “too sensitive”. I rejected myself by finding criticism in the way I interacted with that other person. I had thoughts like “I should have known they would be rude” when I couldn’t ever have known what they were feeling. I had thoughts about myself like “I’m an idiot” when I really was just trying the best I could.

This rejection thing I did to me, to them….just as much as I believed they did it to me.

The best way I know to find peace with this thought about being rejected, is to question it, and then live the turnaround “I am accepted”.

How is it you are acceptable? How is it you are supported, claimed, held, loved? Even in the midst of that person who is supposedly doing a rejecting thing.

I am accepted. 

Can you keep finding examples?

“You need our approval, is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true you need our approval? What happens to your life when you believe you need our approval? Do you become the person THEY want you to be? You lose touch with yourself! The person you become, you don’t like. No wonder we don’t like ourselves. The person we don’t like isn’t us, it’s our facade. It’s what you pretended to be, to get our approval! But no matter what facade you put up, often you don’t get our approval anyway, and you certainly don’t get yours.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Seattle area inquirers: this coming Sunday meetup 4-6 pm at Goldilocks Cottage! Drop in, open group by donation. Let’s do The Work! For information visit HERE.

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My job is sooooo boring. My job is sooooo demanding. Let’s take care of the story.

I’ve heard several inquiries from people recently about stressful thoughts on their jobs.

So much arises that’s challenging at work, whether we work for someone else or ourselves. Over the years, I’ve heard tons of worksheets on painful thinking about work (and written these kinds of worksheets myself).

The interesting dilemma with work I heard about lately?

Boredom. Or, the equal and opposite work issue….Too Demanding.

This job is soooooo boring! It’s repetitive, dull, doesn’t require my best skills, anyone could do it, stupid, too easy, not teaching me anything, unexciting, unchanging. I hate it!

This job is soooooo fast-paced! It’s relentless, frantic, requires my highest performance at all times, no one else could do it, too hard, never relaxing, confusing, chaotic, constantly changing. I hate it!

Hint: the “I hate it!” part is extra special stressful. Frustration, anger, irritation, despair.

Many years ago, I read an article on high stress jobs. I was surprised at the time to find my own current job, the first full time job I ever had, on the list.

The article spoke about jobs where people have very little assertion over what happens, or when it happens, and they don’t have all that much power to make any changes. Receptionist (my job), or customer service help, security officer, fire fighters.

In these roles, you’re waiting for the thing to happen. You have zero control over who walks in the door or when you’ll receive a call, or what time. You simply have to be available, with very little to do until that happens, or at ease with being suddenly interrupted if you are doing something else.

I remember in my 25 year old mind thinking “Oh! Cool! This makes so much sense!”

The high-performance jobs have the opposite kind of stress. You may still feel you have zero control in the long run, you’re trying to accomplish something vast, or other people (employees) don’t do what you want them to do.

I found huge relief in simply knowing my position could be called stressful. I had been running thoughts in my head about how I should be happy with this job, and grateful to be earning a living, and at ease with the low amount of responsibility required.

So I’d say first, if you are watching your thoughts and you notice ideas about restlessness, irritation, boredom, anger with your job….or anxiety, frustration, over-stimulation, worry….the very FIRST thing you can do is accept that you’re having these thoughts about your job for good reason. Hear them. They have something to offer.

These thoughts are worthy of exploring.

WELCOME, oh thoughts!

(This is a brilliant principle to bring to thoughts in your mind that produce any size stress at all–we’re not doing inquiry to crush stressful thoughts–we’re hearing them, and wondering about them).

Now, let’s dig in to this whole “my-job-sucks” situation with some questions, so you can get to the heart of your concern.

Stressful Situation A: You have nothing to do. No tasks, no projects. All that’s required is you sitting here, you being present. In my very first job, I wasn’t allowed to read. So I literally had to sit in my chair behind a front entrance counter space, with my head showing and generally facing forward. Sometimes I could work on tasks involving typing, or collating, whenever other people brought them to me.

Any time you hear the words in your head “I have to”….you may want to take a look. That’s what the energy of “force” can sound like. “I have to sit here, I can’t do anything else, this is so boring, I want to be somewhere else…..” It’s what it sounds like when you believe you have no control at all, no say, no choice. (Another way you could say it is….victim. But don’t use that to get mad at yourself now).

It was a humongous relief to learn it was normal to be stressed in the job of receptionist. It didn’t mean something was wrong with me! Yippee!

I began paying attention to other jobs at the same organization. I asked managers about positions I could move into. I asked the Business Director about what it took to be a bookkeeper and she told me to take a class, which I did.

I was the Receptionist at that company for six months. Then, I moved into the back library room and became the Information Center Specialist and got to reorganize the store room. It kept going up from there.

This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t had the simple idea offered to me in an article (long before I was aware of The Work) that my position was stressful, and I actually longed for more, and that was OK! I noticed who I was without the belief I’m doing something wrong, without the reaction to “my job sucks”.

Stressful Situation B: You have too much to do. So many things. There’s not enough time in one day to ever complete all the things you’re doing. You’re constantly working on projects after hours. You need a vacation, endlessly. People report to you. You need to handle people, planning, goal-setting, details, administrative stuff, creative concepts, meetings. And you need to do all these things really, really well.

I’ve gotten to this place in my work world in more recent years.

When believed, these thoughts can produce stress within, just like a boring job.

Like my first situation, if I don’t have the belief I should be grateful, and dismiss my concerns….I begin to inquire.

So let’s look more deeply at the kinds of concepts that spring from my-job-sucks thinking:

  • I need to get out of here
  • this whole place sucks, and everyone who works here (I find my proof)
  • I hate non-profit organizations/ health-care system/ corporations/ schools (or whatever kind of place you work, make a blanket statement)
  • I’m a loser
  • I should be more grateful
  • let’s look at the want ads for anyplace else but here (and let’s look every day)
  • I can’t leave right this minute because I need the money
  • no one can help me
  • I can’t handle it

The thing is, all these thoughts, for me, were inside the reaction to the very first feeling of frustration, the very first thought: I don’t want this. 

Almost immediately on the heals of that thought was one solution I frequently moved to, before I ever learned about The Work: I should make myself not think this thought.

It was like a No Win situation.

I hate it, and I shouldn’t hate it. But I hate it. But I shouldn’t hate it. But look over there, I have proof for why it’s hateful (did you see what my boss did? Did you hear that co-worker? Jeez!) But I shouldn’t be so contrary. But I guess I’m the kind of person who hates this. I shouldn’t be hating this. But I do! I QUIT!!

It’s an all-out war in there! Yowsers!

What if you questioned the thought “I do not want this (I hate this)”?

Let’s do it!

I do not want this moment. I do not want my thoughts about this job or this moment. I do not want this boredom. I do not want this frenzy. 

Is it true?

YES. Duh. This moment repeats itself over and over. I have to sit here, or quit. Of course I don’t want this! What do you mean….I have to suck it up? Dang right it’s true!

Are you absolutely sure you don’t want what is happening to be happening in your job? Right in that uncomfortable moment?

No.

Who would you be without this dreadful story of my-job-sucks and I hate it?

Oh.

Right.

I’d be back in my own business, curious about the duties requested for this position, curious about other opportunities, consulting and gathering more information. Not saying “no” to this. Not saying speedy quick “yes” to something else.

Turning the thought around: I hate my thinking about this job. It’s my thinking I don’t want. I do not hate this moment–I actually love it. What a place to be, getting to be here, alive, and see what happens next! I like having work, too. I like the money, the support, the learning. (You might find the specific things you love about your job. I remember finding an example once at a job I thought I didn’t want….Example: it has a fountain that’s gorgeous between buildings by the name of GRACE).

Turning it around again: my job doesn’t want me, it hates me (especially when I hate it). One example might be that it’s not my permanent job. I may be called to expand and do other more interesting, more wonderful things. Or, I may notice my job is supporting me so hard, and I don’t even notice. (Find examples again).

Turning it around one more time: I hate myself, when I’m hating this job. I don’t want me, when I don’t want the job. I’m fighting with the environment, the duties, the activities, the people. It’s not the real me. The real me is open, mysterious, accepting, relaxed. The real me is willing to speak up, explore, ask for help, share my inner thoughts about jobs, change it up, have fun.

Could it be just as true, or truer, that I LOVE this job? I want this job? Maybe you are the one who gets to dance with this job, in unexpected ways, without resistance.

What is “this job” anyway?

Who would you be tomorrow, your very next day at work, without your story of being in the wrong place?

WOOOOO HOOOOO!!

A Suspended Blue Ocean

The sky
Is a suspended blue ocean.
The stars are the fish
That swim.

The planets are the white whales
I sometimes hitch a ride on,

And the sun and all light
Have forever fused themselves

Into my heart and upon
My skin.

There is only one rule
On this Wild Playground,

For every sign Hafiz has ever seen
Reads the same.

They all say,

“Have fun, my dear; my dear, have fun,
In the Beloved’s Divine
Game,

O, in the Beloved’s
Wonderful
Game.”
~ Hafiz

Let me know what happens, as you inquire.

This is gonna be good.

“Sit, stand, lie down a little. But the story we run as we’re doing it–take care of that.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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They’re giving me the Silent Treatment!

LIVE Facebook Friday (today!) at 11:30 am Pacific Time. The topic this time is why not to do The Work on YOURSELF….why look outside yourself to judgment (which we’re taught NEVER to do). I’ll share at the end about the upcoming Year of Inquiry program which is starting in a month.

If you don’t know about how to watch a facebook live event, it’s a simple way to use a phone video camera to connect with everyone right on facebook. It’s completely LIVE, as in Real Time. The way you can participate and watch, while it’s happening, is on my facebook page: Head over to WorkWithGrace on Facebook. (Like the page while you’re there, it helps spread the word).

Year of Inquiry is a remarkable program where you get to question your stressful beliefs for an entire year, with an amazing group of people. We learn to “be” our honest selves, and question what we think is wrong with life, in any way whatsoever. Including ourselves.

As a preview to help with deepening our internal work, I’m offering my free masterclass immersion: TEN BARRIERS that BLOCK THE WORK on August 22nd at 8:30 am Pacific Time (like, for example, feeling horribly embarrassed and ashamed you’ve screwed up–that would be Barrier #8). The class is 2 hours long with a huge amount of information.

There will be a Q & A at the very end of the Immersion Class on 8/22 about the new Year of Inquiry starting September 5th. Register for the free immersion class right HERE. It will be recorded, so if you can’t attend, you’ll receive the link for the replay. Feel free to share this with anyone you know who may be interested.

******************

Speaking of feeling ashamed that you’ve done something wrong….I noticed this appeared twice in recent group inquiries in Summer Camp for The Mind which is underway right now.

And then, it appeared again when working with a lovely inquirer only yesterday.

The situation: someone didn’t show up, someone said “no” in a harsh way, someone gave you the silent treatment.

You’re upset with them, even angry. And you’re also wondering if YOU are the kind of person who does something to deserve being stood up.

The mind moves into thoughts like “this always happens to me” or “I must be communicating poorly” or “I’m obviously an idiot” or “I make arrangements with the wrong kinds of people”.

You just get an overall feeling you’re wrong, bad, off, screwing up.

Even if you also blame that other person over there for not being responsible or reliable, there’s an attack on the self.

What I appreciate noticing about the Attack of The Self, is it comes out of a stressful thought about someone else. So, it’s a reaction to another stressful belief you’re assuming is true. If you were happily going about your business with absolutely no one else around, you wouldn’t feel this cutting self-criticism.

They’re giving me the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication). 

It means lots of bad things, including this thing about me that I must be asking for it or creating it somehow.

But let’s take a look at the original thought, that this silent non-communicative experience is terrible….and that other person is giving it to me.

Is it true they’re giving you the silent treatment?

YES!!

I’ve reached out. I’ve left messages. I’ve emailed. Nada.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Well….they could be frightened, or not know what to say, or be too angry to return my call. There’s that. It wouldn’t exactly be “giving” me the silent treatment on purpose, just for the heck of it. There’s a reason this silence is happening, and it may have something to do with them, not just me.

It might not be such a bad thing, compared to the alternative. It might not mean what I think it means.

How do you react when you believe they’re giving you the silent treatment?

Depressed. Self-condemning. Furious.

Going over the exchanges prior to the silence–what was said, or expected, in the past? Deciding that person is rude, obnoxious, screwed up. Ripping them to shreds in my mind.

Not enjoying the moment, that’s for sure.

So who would you be without this very stressful belief that they are giving you the silent treatment, and it’s awful? Without the thought it means something bad about you, or about anyone, or about life?

Huh?

You mean the silent treatment could be fine, or not a problem, or not so big a deal?

Who would I be, what would I be, how would I sit with that moment of No Person showing up, No Phone call coming in, No Text, No Email, No Letter, No Knock On The Door? What would that be like, to not fret about this thing called Silent Treatment?

I’d notice the present moment. The room I’m surrounded by, the chair I’m sitting in, the brightness of the day, the great quiet of the moment. Except in my thoughts, everything is very sweet and quiet.

Without the thought, I’d be free, and peaceful, and curious about that person I’m wondering about from time to time.

I’d trust that not everyone is supposed to be in communication with me at every moment. It’s better that way. Pausing, sabbaticals, rest, total silence is highly desirable, honestly. Why not right now?

Turning the thought around: I am giving myself the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication). 

Haha! Yes. I’m locked in on the stories of being ignored, or shunned, or avoided, or abandoned. My mind is full of horror stories of sadness, disappointment, loss, rejection. I’m feeding myself these images. I’m believing they’re true. I’m not communicating any love, responsiveness. I’m not showing up for me.

Turning it around again: That person is NOT giving me the silent treatment.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, I see how wonderful my life, and how full, in this very moment. No absence, no abandonment, unless I believe in it. I’m sitting in my favorite chair, in my gorgeous little cottage. I have friends and family to connect with who are super cool and very supportive.

Perhaps noise, or conversation, is not required in the moment.

It isn’t.

How do I know?

That’s what is happening. It’s reality.

Turning it around again: I am giving that other person the silent treatment.

I know this can feel untrue, given you have reached out and that other person is not responding.

How could it be just as true that YOU are being silent? What are you being silent about? What have you not shared? What have you withheld? Where have you not communicated, or shown up, or responded freely and honestly?

Oooooh.

I have not said the truth to that person many times. I haven’t reached out when I’ve been upset. I haven’t said when I’m genuinely angry. I haven’t spoken up about my own preferences, I haven’t spoken up or asked questions when I’m curious or confused. I haven’t said what scares me, or what I’d prefer to change about our relationship.

I haven’t shared honestly.

Who’s the person who’s given the Silent Treatment?

Oh. That would be me.

To myself, to the other person.

“This is the end of the war inside you. I’m a lover of reality. How do I know I’m better off with what is? It’s what is.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

We’ve been taught we’re being given the Silent Treatment and that this is VERY BAD.

But that’s a very fearful story.

Without this story, you may notice the reality that whatever is happening is Reality’s way: Support. A break. Quiet. Time to do The Work.

Without my story of being stood up, forgotten, given silence (oh bad)….I love reality.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Come see how the problem is not you….it’s only your stressful thinking. Join me in the Immersion Class on August 22nd 8:30 am Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Click HEREto register.