Month: September 2012

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Judging Those Creeper People

I love how self-inquiry, answering questions internally, or with a companion or facilitator, or in an amazing group of inquirers….is entirely and completely SAFE.

You are sitting, or lying, or standing or walking, and you are talking, thinking, remembering, imagining, and answering questions.

This present moment, for anyone who is actually “doing” inquiry, is simple, pretty gentle, meditative, connecting. You are breathing, having emotions, your heart is beating. You are alive.

The only thing happening that is difficult….and I’m not dismissing how difficult it can be…is thinking and feeling. Having thoughts, followed by or preceded by feelings.

It feels so painful to believe in pain. To know, on auto-pilot, without questioning it, that you were hurt back then, that you were capable of hurting someone else. It feels painful to know it happened. Painful to imagine the possibility of it happening once again.

Here comes the memory. You see it, even if you don’t want to see it! And your stomach contracts, you feel nauseated, angry, terrified, you have images of your family dying, or you dying, or the world ending, of awful things happening that you are certain you couldn’t stand.

I forget sometimes when I am having a big, heavy, enormous feeling that it is just a feeling. I forget to look around and see that I am OK in this present moment.

Today I re-read one of the most profound stories, for me, that is in the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It is the story of a woman remembering the horrors she experienced being sexually abused as a child.

One of the worst, most hellish stories of humanity. This is right up there with war, violence, people doing things to other people with force.

Doing The Work is about looking profoundly at even this kind of experience.

Especially this kind.

When I first read the story in Katie’s book and thought about serious childhood abuse of this kind, I was pretty horrified. How could anyone ever get over that? How could someone stop walking around in their present life without wanting to protect themselves from ever having that kind of thing happen ever again?

There are a lot of distractions offered on the planet to manage these kinds of memories. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food, shopping, moving, taking and quitting jobs, gambling, watching movies, getting into high-drama relationships with others, never getting into intimate relationships with anyone, working super crazy hard.

One of the biggest distractions, that keeps us from being with these terrible memories….is JUDGING.

At least this has been my greatest attempt of all to control “bad” people and “bad” situations from repeating themselves. I judge. I blame. I analyze. I collect information on that bad person and list their faults.

Often even in therapy, where I spent many hours with counselors, as I spoke about my painful experiences, I was listing, proving, making a good case that would explain my current behaviors, worries, and pain.

The mind’s job is to sort and figure out and protect. Have you noticed how much it loves to repeat the scenes you are most nervous about? It’s like it is saying “come on, let’s find the solution, let’s resolve this”!!

Amazing to sit in our judgments, then, and actually ask ourselves if they are 100% absolutely hands-down true?

  • People can’t get over sexual abuse—is that true?
  • If someone is really scary and creepy, you alone need to do everything in your power to stay away from them—really?
  • That person, or those people, could hurt you permanently—is that absolutely true?
  • How that person acted is unacceptable to you, and you could never ever interact with them or anyone like them again—how do you react when you believe this thought?
  • I do not have enough patience, maturity, sanity, power, energy, or enough love to overcome these memories or this situation—who would you be WITHOUT this thought?

What I have seen in hundreds of hours of working with clients now, in having my own journey with violence, cancer, hate or abandonment, is that we humans are absolutely amazing. We heal from the most incredible experiences.

People are walking around everywhere finding happiness, joy and beauty in the world despite very painful experiences in the past.

So right in the present, as you question your beliefs, notice how you think you could be hurt, over-powered, controlled, abused, or neglected by someone else out there in the world. And notice that right now, abuse is not actually happening.

“After you’ve been doing inquiry for awhile, if you have the thought “she doesn’t love me,” you just get the immediate turnaround with a smile: “oh, I’m not loving myself in this moment.” “She doesn’t care about me”: “Oh, I’m not caring about myself in the moment I think that thought.” Feel it, feel what it’s like to think that thought, how unkind you’re being to yourself when you believe it. “~Byron Katie

I know for myself I am not free when I am thinking that something someone has done, or the way someone has behaved, is unforgivable. I am being a dictator.

I can also gently rock myself in my own arms, remembering that I am only having these painful thoughts because I am NOT REMEMBERING that I am a beautiful, loving, kind and powerful person that I get to hang around all the time, 24/7. Nothing could be better than this!

Thank you people who have apparently “hurt” me….for you have only shown me where I wasn’t believing that my own love was enough, where I was believing I was too small for all this, where I was believing I was damaged permanently.

These troubling people showed me where I might have done things I didn’t even want to do, just because I thought I was getting love, approval or appreciation. I didn’t say “no” because I thought I needed to be polite. I wanted something from them that I thought I didn’t have. I liked being adored, I liked getting attention. I mistakenly thought they had something that would benefit me.

The turnarounds are so much truer: I am not damaged permanently, I am not too small, my love is enough for me and for the world. I AM SAFE RIGHT NOW.

“Isn’t it marvelous to discover that you’re the one you’ve been waiting for? That you are your own freedom? You go with inquiry into the darkness and find only light.”~ Byron Katie

Now here’s the thing: If you’re not sure you can find that YOU are the best thing that ever happened to YOU, if you feel you’ve done it wrong, or that other person has been wrong, there is nothing wrong with even that. It’s OK.

You are sitting here right now, safe, watching your thoughts and reading this. That alone is enough.

Love, Grace

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Click Here to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27)

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Thursdays, Oct. 11 – Dec. 13, 2012 6:30 pm – 8:00 pm Pacific Time (no class 11/1 or 11/22)

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Drama! Memories! Agony! Inquiry!

Not long ago I heard from an old flame, a relationship that was extremely brief and burned like newspaper: fast, furious, ashes all over the place, not as much heat as expected, quickly over.

Hearing from people with whom we’ve interacted in the past can bring memories to the surface. Sometimes very unpleasant. Sometimes sweet and kind.

The images surfacing in my own mind were entirely unpleasant! I was surprised by the anger. And reminded and amazed once again at how thoughts create an emotional response instantly…in fact it’s almost simultaneous, the speed-of-thought.

Byron Katie suggests that you know when you’ve resolved a difficult relationship when you remember someone and simply smile with appreciation. No big reaction.

So what was going on in my mind at this re-visitation of the past?

I let every part of me, from my inner five year old to my fifteen year old do the talking, since it felt like I was the full range on the timeline of immaturity around this:

  • That relationship was horrible, tangled, twisted and sick
  • I hate the way I wanted to rescue that person (who definitely needed rescuing by the way-ha ha)
  • My ego is as big as Montana when it comes to how much I wanted to make a difference in that person’s life
  • That person could hurt me again, even now! Danger! Beware!
  • That human being is unhappy, sick, defiant, self-hating, caught in childhood drama
  • I need to “work” on forgiveness (I’m not OK the way I am)
  • I don’t ever want to be with anyone even remotely like that person again
  • *$^%@!!!

Well. As you can see, the inner turmoil is acute, upsetting, stressful. It is not actually wonderful to think these thoughts…they arise because something in me is afraid, I feel resistance to what is inside of me around this memory.

Hooray. Another relationship that disturbs me. I think learning is in the air….but NO! IT ISN’T ME! IT WAS THAT OTHER PERSON’S FAULT!

Sometimes we just need to have a little tantrum. The important thing about tantrums, if they arise, is noticing them…and not doing anything out of your own integrity when you have them.

You can punch a pillow on your bed first, if you like. Or jump around doing ninja moves, karate kicking and pretending you have super powers. You can also tear a phone book apart with all your might, or smash an old dish on the cement for the sound effect. But then you will need to get some paper and a pen….and write your thoughts down.

Body and Mind together, working. Both your friends.

I work through the steps of inquiry. Who would I be, remembering this relationship, having all those images flash by, remembering and re-feeling the feelings of fear, anger, confusion…if I no longer had the belief that the person in question was evil, sick, wrong, dangerous?

Who would I be without the thought that it was a waste of time, that something was wrong with me, that something was wrong with that other person?

Can I begin to find some examples of turning these big feelings around? Am I safe right now? Am I supported? Have I learned something?

Joan Tollifson, a wonderful teacher and author writes “I find the roots of Hitler-consciousness in my own mind whenever I think I know who is wrong, or who needs to be gotten rid of. And I also find the roots of Christ-consciousness in my own heart, at least occasionally. And I know which one of these two feels like poison, and which one feels like the deepest truth.”~ Awake In The Heartland

Self-inquiry is not about forcing yourself into Christ-consciousness of course, it is about looking deeply at the judgments, fears, pain and fury you experience. Making yourself wrong and trying to get ‘somewhere else’ is just the same energy, more subtle perhaps. Pushing, driving, demanding change.

As I move into my inquiry, I remember how I don’t know anything. I don’t know why all relationships went as they did. Why there was so much trouble and agony or weirdness.

I remember that I am the one creating drama, here in this moment, and I was there in that past dramatic production as well. I am the one who has been critical of myself, sick, angry, fearful.

“If there is anything-any person, any behavior any circumstance, any situation, any place, anything that you do not see as God, that’s where the work is.”~ Byron Katie

No, you don’t have to talk, live, contact, write, or in any way communicate with that person who triggered this thing in you. In fact, often, it’s wise not to, it is being kind to you.

But I hope you give yourself the gift of remembering that troubled relationship with some acceptance and peace, the gift of using the uncomfortable feelings to open your mind and heart. If I can do it, so can you.

Love, Grace

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Cell Phone Hissy Fit

I will never forget several years ago when I was at The New Year’s Cleanse, where Byron Katie does the work with people up on stage, one after the other, all day long.

A man sat in the chair and read his stressful concepts out loud about his COMPUTER.

I remember thinking…seriously? Not death, cancer, losing everything, addiction, war, or abuse? You’re stressed about your computer?

Cut to 2 days ago at midnight, when I am refusing to go to bed until I figure out how to use my new iphone. Who cares about sleeping! It’s more important to get my voicemails on this dangum phone!!

Like the way a dog holds on to a bone.

Many of us have these kinds of thoughts about the devices we use and encounter in our daily lives:

  • IT SHOULD WORK!!!
  • I HATE learning about this
  • looking at screens is boring, stupid and a waste of time
  • this should be easy
  • maybe there is something wrong with me since I am a) not interested, b) not going as fast as other humans, c) too interested
  • I need to read my email, Facebook, texts
  • I need to respond to my email, Facebook, texts
  • something is wrong, I have to adjust this/fix this/change this

Even in a moment like this, with a new technical device, a broken refrigerator, a different software program, a computer problem…..even this moment offers a chance to question your beliefs.

You get the opportunity, right there in that moment when someone cuts you off in traffic, when your toilet overflows, when your car breaks down….to observe yourself and your thinking.

In the big scheme of things, it may not be that getting a phone to work is that big of a deal. It’s not a huge threat.

I get to see in that moment that I am resisting what is, not loving what is…I am ARGUING WITH A PHONE!

“Use anger as your spiritual practice….you may only have 2 or 5 seconds to catch it. Here it comes. You don’t suppress it. Witness it…..Be thankful for your anger, because through it, awareness can grow….You have to recognize that these are thought-forms that arise in your mind, but you do not have to believe in them. It’s not the truth, it’s a distortion.”~Eckhart Tolle

I turn around all my thinking about this situation: this phone should NOT work right now, I don’t need to respond to email, this shouldn’t be easy, and it might be fun to learn more.

There is nothing wrong. Nothing wrong with me, the phone, or what time it is.

This place of experiencing nothing as being “wrong” or of NOT being AGAINST what is happening can come forward from anywhere. Even arguments with technology.

“If you pay attention, you’ll notice that you think thoughts like this dozens of times a day. “People should be kinder.” “Children should be well-behaved.” “My neighbors should take better care of their lawn.” “The line at the grocery store should move faster.” “My husband (or wife) should agree with me.” “I should be thinner (or prettier or more successful).” These thoughts are ways of wanting reality to be different than it is. If you think that this sounds depressing, you’re right. All the stress that we feel is caused by arguing with what is.”~Byron Katie

Today I notice, I hardly think about the phone. I work with clients, I’m on the phone with all the wonderful people in a teleclass, I feel the sun on my arm through the window.

I love this new addition to my life. A phone with a purple case that I’m learning how to use. And if it goes away, that will be OK too.

Just like other things that have entered my life, required me to learn something new. Like people. Or other “bigger” more stressful situations.

Here in this situation, I get to practice allowing reality to be the way it is. Here in this one, I know I can.

What is your most recent “cell phone hissy fit?” Question your thinking….you never know…it could bring you peace, joy, and laughter. Enlightenment.

Love, Grace

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This Body Takes Away My Peace

Byron Katie has said some pretty radical things about bodies….namely “a peaceful mind doesn’t care about a body.”

Not care about my body? Really?

People have many different levels of care about their bodies…some are very concerned, some have grave illness, some have constant pain, some have terrible injuries, some have head colds or back aches.

The trick with powerful quotes like Katie’s is NOT to read it and then jump immediately to why you are so wrong to have thought of your body during your life so often, and with such passion, with anger or criticism or concern.

All those cures, methods, doctors, practitioners, diets, medicines, tinctures, massages, specialists…they are all part of the path you’re on, a relationship you have with this thing called a body.

Some people get to meet many people who are healers of various body conditions, and some people do not. But everyone has body ailments of one kind or another before they exit their bodies for good. Everyone gets a body that dies sooner or later.

For some people, a strategy for dealing with the body is to pay as little attention as possible to it. I don’t think Katie is speaking of this kind of not caring.

You won’t become peaceful if you decide “fine, I won’t care about my body ever again, I will ignore it!”

But there is some place we all can become aware of that is beyond thoughts of the body, removed from these kinds of thoughts, different. We all have this inside us already. We all touch into this part of us many times a day, in fact. We sleep, have a conversation, read, think, discover, watch a movie, look, hear, rest, work. There is space in between thoughts of the body.

It’s the kind of Not Caring that I like to say is just Not Minding what happens. Those moments when I really don’t mind, I’m actually OK…I don’t know, I don’t have answers, but I couldn’t dream of figuring This all out.

“When you believe you are this body, you stay limited, small, apparently encapsulated as one separate form. So every thought has to be about your survival or your comfort or your pleasure, because if you let up for a moment, there would be no body-identification.”~Byron Katie

When we have something hurting, something painful…then thoughts of the body can appear to be more frequent, more intense. A problem is believed to be present, and boy howdy does the mind loves to solve problems!

Eckhart Tolle has said that when working with illness, the first and most important thing is becoming aware that YOU are not YOUR BODY. So, you are not “a sick person”. That is not what you actually are…not all of who you are.

You don’t need to actually even think of yourself as a sick person…and it is possible to focus on well-being, even when you don’t feel good. It may sound simple, but it’s not easy when you’re afraid or in pain.

“Choose to direct your attention to well-being rather than illness. As far as pain is concerned…don’t let the mind start also to complain about the pain. Don’t resist pain. Don’t create psychological pain on top of physical pain…..You CAN accept a situation that usually would be thought of as unacceptable….but not everybody is ready to hear this.”~Eckhart Tolle

Well-being, beauty, quiet, taking a deep breath, waiting, nature, art, music is all around. Moving your attention towards what is gentle in your environment, what you are drawn towards, what you like, even just a tiny bit.

The good news is that life goes the way it goes, and there’s no arguing with it. It’s the way of it. It’s actually OK no matter what you do, whether you find something around you that is without pain, whether you complain or don’t complain.

“None of us is ever OK, but we all get through everything just fine.”~Pema Chodron

It just may be a little easier, maybe a TON easier, if you relax and stop fighting this body situation. Not giving up with despair, just seeing what it’s like to be without the thought that you have a body that is sick or hurt, or fat or ugly. Giving up attack.

No longer against what is.

Love, Grace

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Cash, Wealth, Money and Loving What Is NOW

The topic of money is very juicy. It seems there is an on-going human interest in getting it, needing it, wanting it, planning for it, earning it, spending it, saving it.

In the most simple terms, it appears that it’s better to have money than not have money. So we dive in to figuring out in this big monopoly game board of life the answer to the question: HOW DO I GET MORE?

People sort and sift through many ideas about how money is earned or received. It seems we can “do” something (get a job, offer service, offer a product) and then money is given in exchange for this activity or this item.

Ultimately the actual money itself is not useful. We can’t eat it or drink it. It’s just pieces of paper or metal coins. They all look different depending on what part of the world you’re in…but in the big scheme of things, it looks very similar.

Of course there are other ways to get what the body needs to survive without having money involved. That’s what settlers did. They chopped down trees or grew plants or hunted for animals, and assembled everything they did from their own hands.

But most of us are not settlers in unknown territory where money isn’t even used. We’re here exchanging things, going to stores, buying toothbrushes, taking care of our bodies. So, it’s great to have money to buy stuff.

I find that the most painful, stressful thinking for people who come to me to do The Work on money (and in my own work on it) falls into two categories, with variations on these themes:

  1. I need to do something to get money but I don’t know what or how, and I’m not sure I can offer anything of value anyway, or,
  2. my present situation with money or work SUCKS!

I started with the second category. I had so much fear, anxiety, and anger right in the middle of my present moment with money….no matter how much I had….that I knew I needed to face what I was believing that felt so terrible.

As I questioned the most simple concept “I need more money” I discovered that I didn’t. Life was actually fine, without it. I could go without it entirely. In fact, for awhile, I came very close. I always had enough food, clothing, water, and a bed to sleep in.

I am still here, right now, writing this. So I never had too little money.

“Money is not your business, truth is your business. The story ‘I need more money’ is what keeps you from realizing your wealth. Whenever you think that your needs are not being met, you’re telling the story of a future. You’re supposed to have exactly as much money as you have right now. This is not a theory: this is reality. How much money do you have? That’s it, you’re supposed to have exactly that amount. If you don’t believe it, look at your checkbook. How do you know when you’re supposed to have more? When you do. How do you know when you’re supposed to have less? When you do. This is true abundance. It leaves you without a care in the world.” ~ Byron Katie

Now that I know without a doubt that however much money I have is just right, it’s incredibly exciting….just to notice that.

I forget for awhile sometimes. Some goofy thing triggers worry or disappointment, and my mind races off into thinking I need more money, but it’s very short lasting. I hear myself actually saying out loud something about needing or wanting more money, and I find it doesn’t even make sense 30 minutes later or I can’t remember why I thought that.

Not believing what you think is THRILLING! So when you think stressful thoughts about money, ask yourself if it is really true!

After deeply questioning the notion of needing more money many times, touching on it regularly…I began to find more intricate concepts about my worth, what I might offer that would be of value, what I believed about work, time, bosses, employees, clients, accounting, marketing, promoting, spending.

How wonderful to look at all the thinking and behaviors and feelings about what value things have or don’t have!

“When you are concerned with making money you want the future more than the present. Whenever you want the future more than you want the present, true intelligence cannot flow into what you do…..The ego always looks toward the next moment for some kind of fulfillment. The realignment means the primary purpose of your life is whatever action you are doing in this moment.”~ Eckhart Tolle

The wonderful news is that you don’t have to have total confidence about your worth or abilities, or how you will get money….all you need to do is question your most anxiety-riddled thinking about this moment now, and notice all you believe so you can catch it and question it.

Now that my world is lighter about money, work, service, clients, action, doing, time, effort….I find humor and joy so much more easily.

And, it turns out, for now anyway, I have more money.

If you find you would like to focus more on inquiry in this area, then come join a small group on Thursdays starting in 2 days! We will meet each week for 90 minutes, skipping 11/1 and 11/22 and do this fabulous work on our internal thinking all the way until 11/29. Eight sessions and amazing life-changing work!

Money, Work and Your Business Class Participants Have Said:

“I received so much from your class.  I am sincerely grateful for your offerings in this world.“~ Deanna

“I am constantly astonished and amazed at the dark crap I had dumped all over money! No wonder it couldn’t come to me – I had insulated myself well to keep me from become “One of those people!” And now I’m like, “sign me up!” and I’ll do it my way! Clearly sometimes resisting being “that way” is worse than just being that way, especially when you are anyway! I can’t hardly believe how much money has changed in the past few weeks!”~Delia

If you want to join in the amazing journey with a small group of supportive angels in your life: CLICK HERE

Love, Grace

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Flowing Tears Doesn’t Mean It’s Bad

Sadness and grief have been addressed by teachers, psychologists, philosophers, and religious figures for centuries. Sadness appears to be a long-term experience of humanity.

Loss, despair, change, death…these often bring tears. Many thoughts appear in the mind, sometimes almost simultaneously with this emotion or feeling called sadness.

Expressing sadness can feel strangely out of control. Often, when we really “cry our eyes out” we just let the wave take us from beginning to end. And then, it’s over.

Deep sadness that keeps appearing or returning can become more difficult to navigate. How do we humans work with sadness that remains…with terrible loss or grief, perhaps life-changing loss that follows the death of a loved one, or some other permanent change.

“I’ve developed a new philosophy – I only dread one day at a time.”~Charles Schultz

When I look back on my experience of sadness in my life in childhood and then later as I grew up, I see that I had some really interesting thoughts appear very quickly (that I never questioned) when it came to sadness.

These beliefs about sadness kept my feeling stuck, unresolved, unexpressed somehow:

  • my sadness will bother other people
  • I need to keep this to myself
  • if others know I am sad, they won’t be honest with me
  • no one knows how to help people who are sad anyway
  • there’s no solution to this loss (the person is gone, the event has passed)
  • I’ll feel this way forever
  • being too emotional or sad is a sign of weakness
  • if only this hadn’t happened I wouldn’t feel sad in the first place.
  • I hate this feeling

These kinds of thoughts are heavy, weighty, and very difficult for allowing this thing called “sadness” to run through us, without trying to manipulate ourselves or hide it or change it ASAP.

So here it is. Tears, grief, sobbing, body rocking, the voice making sound. Perhaps your sadness is only quiet tears falling from your eyes, and maybe not even that.

Instead of judging this experience….I let it be here. I let it take the time it takes. I notice that there is an end. I remember that there is a saying “have a good cry”. Like it’s actually a good thing, like it releases something.

“I hope no one who reads this book has been quite as miserable as Susan and Lucy were that night; but if you have been – if you’ve been up all night and cried ’til you have no more tears left in you – you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness.” ~C.S. Lewis in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe 

I was listening once to Adyashanti, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, talk about holding a funeral for his dog. He found himself weeping, sobbing openly while everyone gathered around. And right in the middle of that great grief, he noticed a great warmth in the center of his heart, like a light beaming there.

Without any judgment or hope that I will soon NOT be sad anymore…if I watch this sadness thing and notice what is happening…I may find that grief and joy are present together.

I entered my house last night after taking my darling son to college and leaving him there. THAT was when sadness hit me, and I cried. I was having thoughts like “he will never live with me again” (and, chuckle, I do not know that this is true). Something about entering the quiet cottage knowing this, with the thought right there.

The thought enters “I miss him” and I immediately question it. Not 100% true. Images rapidly firing through my mind’s eye of him being born, standing up in the park for the first time, age 8, age 12, now. Do I miss any of that? No, he is right here, in my mind. I can picture him perfectly. I know what he might say, how his face looks.

This is not denying sadness, making it something different than it is. It is just noticing that I cry and cry for this goodbye moment, acknowledging somehow this change….and that this moment is also hello. I begin to find advantages for his departure.

“Is it sadness that you are feeling or love? Isn’t it love, feel it as deeply as you can, let it live in you, allow it, let it cry you, take you over even, its okay, love is all powerful. Don’t confuse feelings that you believe to be sadness with what love feels like, my dearest.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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They’re Leaving And It Hurts

One of the most painful experiences many humans have is when someone important in their life “leaves”.

A break-up of a primary relationship, moving away to live somewhere else, death.

If you are the one who is left, many excruciating thoughts can arise:

  • I must be worthy of being left
  • Life is sad
  • I did something wrong
  • I can’t stop thinking about them
  • I can’t make it on my own
  • I can’t be happy without this person
  • I will never find anyone like them
  • My heart is broken
  • I’m not good enough

The feelings generated as we feel the absence of someone we love, or even anticipate the absence, are huge grief, tension in our throats, stomach aches, sadness, tears, anxiety, fear.

We have images running through our minds of the person when they were happily by our side.

If only they would come back. THEN I will be happy.

In this state, the future looks bleak, the world seems uninviting, it feels like loss is around every corner…the absence, emptiness, grief.

As Byron Katie says….it’s all a big misunderstanding. We’re believing very painful thoughts (see list above) and we think this feeling won’t go away. We believe the thoughts are true.

Times like these are when it is most important to slow down and look, to be with the thoughts instead of trying to get away from them or distract yourself, smooth it over.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…”~Pema Chodron

So I question my thinking. I sit here. I do not pursue that person, I do not chase after the past, I do not go on autopilot thinking that I am sure that if the person was still here, I would again be happy.

This moment is not good enough, here, without that person in my life. Is that true? Are you sure that this very moment, you breathing, being here, living…are you sure that being here alone is not good?

Are you sure that you need that person here in order to be happy?

“When you lose something, you’ve been spared–either that or God is a sadist. How do I know I don’t need the money? It’s gone!”~Byron Katie

When my father died several decades ago, how was it that I was spared? I have looked back at that experience that felt so terribly sad with new eyes, especially when I first found the concept of questioning my thoughts.

What was an advantage of him leaving my life physically? What did that experience offer me?

I learned that I was very capable in my life. I had a job, a boyfriend, and earned my own money. I knew I had to give myself my own counsel in hard situations (my dad was so good at talking about feelings). I could remember how nurturing he was and be that way with me, and with others. I talked to him internally, and I knew what he would say back. I discovered that I could easily make it on my own, in life.

My dad gave me the gift of standing on my own two feet.

Now my 18 year old son is leaving for a new life at college. In fact, we’re packing the car and I’m driving him there today. He’s moving away.

How will this be a good and wonderful thing…this movement in life where now I will see someone I love less often, talk less, and he will have even more new experiences that I will never know about?

I trust that this happens at the most perfect time, for me. Reality is friendly. It moves and shifts. It opens up awareness to new possibilities, to a new pace of life for my son, for me.

I dreamed last night that I was about to give birth to a new baby, I was extremely pregnant, almost overdue, and waiting to go into labor any moment. I woke up knowing that even though I have something that I’m calling grief inside and imagine that I will miss my son, that this grief is also pure joy. The childhood part of my son’s life is over. It’s possible I won’t miss him.

Scott Kiloby says that the only thing that keeps natural love from flowing, is this thing that drops in called a Deficiency Story. Not enough. I need worth, specialness, validation, love from other people…because I myself am deficient. Life is deficient, sad things happen.

“Welcome pain. Be thankful for all these people who hurt you….Ask yourself what you think this person is mirroring back about you. Ask yourself what you think is wrong. Name it….See that it’s just a thought.”~Scott Kiloby

I watch my inner world with my absolutely amazing son who is grown up and moving now from here to there, and any little sadness inside, I identify what this thought is.

I discover I’m anticipating the future…I realize that coming back to this moment in the present it is beautiful. The sun is rising, the house is very quiet…my son is not in this room and there have been hundreds, thousands of mornings like this where there is no son present (even with him sleeping in another room).

I am very content with Reality, all is well, everything changes. I trust this life. I am ready to discover the advantages for sons moving away from their childhood homes, for mothers watching their children leave. Wow…I am already thinking of the advantages.

If you are in a situation where you can’t see advantages…wait. Let your mind come up with just one. Then see if you can find more. They will be there.

Arguing with any part of reality is painful. Surrendering to What Is, I am free.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Manifestation Attack of Not Enoughness

There has been much written and spoken about on “manifestation” in past decades. The latest ideas have been presented in videos like the Secret, a few years back.

If you think positive thoughts, you will manifest your dreams!

The Key Word there is: POSITIVE. Otherwise, you will manifest your NIGHTMARES!

If it was this simple of course, everyone with a dream of having something MORE or DIFFERENT would be forcing themselves to think positive thoughts all the time, to get what they want.

The thing is, we don’t always think positive thoughts. You may have noticed. And believing that you can FORCE yourself or make yourself think certain thoughts is very, very stressful.

Many people suffer deeply when their life situations are other than their dreams, when they don’t appear to “manifest” well enough or fast enough. Often, with this logic, people think they are doing something WRONG if what happens in their lives is losing everything, getting cancer, being single, going bankrupt, gaining weight, having a boring job…they are doing somethingwrong if they are manifesting trouble, pain, loss or difficulty.

Bad situation? It’s your fault!!

Now, not only are you facing something difficult and unexpected, frustrating, sad, agonizing or traumatic….you also manifested it yourself! You are just not good enough.

Ouch.

Manifestation is defined as “coming into sight”. Evident, palpable, clear, proven.

When we believe something is “true” it is often because we’ve found PROOF. We see evidence for it. Maybe 100 examples.

Oh look, I have no money in my bank account….this means that: I will starve, I will have nowhere to live, I am scared, I have no one to help me, I am selfish, I am stupid, I am unhappy, I will suffer….I must be thinking negative thoughts, I’m not good enough.   

I have found that the first thing that helps when in a difficult experience, or having strong and uncomfortable feelings about a situation, is to let the feelings and thoughts be here.

Putting up a fight against the terrible, uncomfortable, troubling feelings or situation generates resistance. It sort of boosts the WAR and conflict. Makes it louder.

Byron Katie calls it arguing with reality, arguing with what is. You lose, as she says, but only 100% of the time.

If we are investigating our thinking….then we actually want the thoughts to stay present, so we can see what they are. We don’t want to destroy them. We’re not against them.

“No matter what you manifest, you’ll find out that it’s not going to make you happy. You can manifest anything if you believe it. Does it have anything to do with happiness or well-being? Absolutely not!…Who cares if you manifest something or pay cold hard cash for it…DOESN’T MATTER! Don’t get suckered in. When you come into total harmony with the flow of your existence….you see what the universe is manifesting FOR you, not what YOU are manifesting.”~ Adyashanti   

So I remember, I’m not actually sure if I WOULD be happy if I “manifest” whatever I think would make me happy. That’s in the future, right? I have no idea what will happen in the next hour, really.

Instead, I stay with my situations, my troubles, my thoughts. I see them, I identify them. Now I can do The Work, now I can question my thinking.

Is this all really true? Is this really what having no money in my bank account MEANS? If a doctor says “you have cancer” does this really mean that I did something wrong, that I didn’t take care of myself, that I deserved this outcome, that I could have done better, or that this is horrible?

If I’m NOT manifesting thousands of dollars given, paid, directed, or offered to me does this mean that I’m thinking BAD THOUGHTS?

“You think the things that you could acquire in the future are going to make you happy. But your ego knows deep down that it’s all going to be taken away (but let’s not think about THAT–chuckle)……If you think that something WILL fulfill you, later, then it won’t. Because you are not fulfilled NOW. So let’s think about this moment…Let go of the future. You’re not going to find enlightenment there. It’s already here. And you are already it.”~Eckhart Tolle

Can I leave everything alone? Can I do nothing, let go, relax, rest. Is it possible that joy and peace are here?

It is amazing to realize that I may not need money, success, power, thinness, fame or health to be happy. WOW!

Even the thought that I can stop trying to get any of these things….that being present right here is enough. Being alive is enough. Nothing else necessary. No manifesting, no thinking or adding positive thoughts. Awareness. Thinking mind. Inquiry.

Why would the Universe make you Not Enough? If the Universe is Friendly, then you are enough. Right in your difficult situation…right now.

Love, Grace

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Their Talk Is Torture

Thank you all so much for forwarding this to your loved ones, friends and colleagues. Many people write me to say how much they love reading these daily posts!

This week several teleclasses begin! You only need a telephone or skype to call in to a group conference call phone number. These are all audio, not webinars, and you do not need a computer to participate in a class–but you do need to have a way to receive emails regularly. Let me know today if you are joining! All the classes are listed at the end of this email. They are all 8 sessions, for 90 mins each session.

Speaking of new classes and learnings….

I loved working with a fabulous client recently on a common moment of frustration for many of us humans: when someone we’re in the presence of should stop talking.

I have had this thought myself many times in my life, and questioned it recently.

There we are in the vicinity of another human and that person is talking, talking, talking and we are thinking, thinking, thinking “THAT PERSON SHOULD SHUT UP!”

Perhaps we are a part of the audience during a lecture, in a group discussion where one person appears to speak a great deal, in a sharing circle with many participants (or a class), in a movie or play, or in a one-on-one conversation.

What has been your most common reaction when you are with another person who you judge as talking “too much”?

I was once sitting in a movie theater FURIOUS about the conversation going on behind me. I turned around and said “could you please stop talking during the movie!” and the two women burst out laughing, and carried on. I sat through the whole movie, unhappy and enraged, I was so shocked that they didn’t stop when I asked.

Believing that someone should stop talking, and not being sure how to change the dynamic, is a strange and common human dilemma. We have OTHER beliefs that directly oppose speaking up in a really authentic, genuine way with this talkative person. Beliefs like:

  • it’s rude to interrupt someone
  • they need to speak and be heard
  • they are trying to connect with me, which I appreciate
  • if I say I disagree, I will be starting an argument, or they might hurt me
  • they wouldn’t like me if they knew what I was thinking
  • they are wasting my time
  • I am so mean to have all these judgments about them
  • I should be a kind, thoughtful, patient listener (and this means I shouldn’t tell them to be quiet, that I shouldn’t speak up)

I recently saw a filmed scene in which a man is sitting at a kitchen table and his wife is cooking for him. The man is talking non-stop, talking about people at his work. His wife picks up the frying pan she is using and whacks him on the head.

That woman believed that violence, or getting “rid” of the person, was the only way to resolve the incessant talking!

That was a little extreme! But don’t we all have the thought that if I just get away from the talker, leave, eliminate them, get rid of them, shut them down….that is the quickest and easiest way to resolve this difficult situation?

It’s like having a fly buzzing and the noise of the buzz start to drive you crazy. Or crickets and their loud chirping.

Kill the cricket! KILL THE FLY! THEN I will be comfortable and have peace.

The wonderful thing is that even in this kind of irritated moment there is so much to learn, so much amazing opportunity for understanding yourself, your mind, and other people.

Even this moment is a moment for awakening.

“What is this moment, this situation, or this person trying to teach me?”~Pema Chodron

The first thing to do is to look at what you are believing that produces the most rage, irritation, anger, sadness.

What is this person actually saying that is so bad? What does it mean about them? What does it mean for me if I am there, being the listener?

You can feel it immediately when you are at war with what is. There is a tightness and resistance…you are AGAINST what is happening.

What if you were FOR what is happening? This does not mean that you stay sitting through an entire movie and not making any changes….that was passive for me, it was not authentic and loving. It was not kind to me.

What can you do joyfully, with pleasure, kindness, love, freedom, power, and passion right in that very moment when there is a person who is talking, talking, talking…and you are entirely and totally in favor of them being themselves, doing what they’re doing, being who they are?

You may find that you reach over to them and hold their hand, look into their eyes, and say any of the following things: “I adore you and I’ve heard this before but will listen again if you think it is 100% helpful” or “what do you really want right now?” or “I am feeling like being silent” or “I will be available to listen in an hour” or “Can you answer the question and say nothing else, but only answer the question I just asked?”

With complete and total freedom and no “rules” you may find that you are very loving and kind naturally, and you don’t feel guilty or imposed on, and you take very good care of yourself as well as the talking person.

“The Master gives himself up to whatever the moment brings….”~Tao Te Ching #50 

Love, Grace

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

Click Here to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 6:00 pm – 7:30 pm Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27)

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

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Indecisive People Are Successful

I love how there are a multitude of theories about decisions and what kind of things happen when people “make” them. I’ve written about this before, but revisiting it again today.

In the western culture, it appears that being decisive is applauded, at least based on what I’ve learned. People who are wishy-washy and who change their minds are indecisive and therefore untrustworthy. People who are decisive are efficient, clear, powerful, and good leaders.

The interesting thing about MAKING DECISIONS is that there is the thought that what I decide right now will change my future. I will become successful…or I will fail.

Those tough decisions in the past….there were some that turned out great, some that turned out not-so-great. I decided something, and my life turned in a different direction and I now see the result.

Both situations, looking at the future possibilities and the past results, are based in the mind.

Both are OUTSIDE of the present moment.

When I’ve made a past decision, or am thinking about a future decision that I think I need to make, I am analyzing the outcome. Going for the “best” result. I am thinking about what will make me happiest. I am also often believing that it’s possible to make a mistake, so I need to be careful.

It’s an anxious place to live. Or downright agonizing, painful, and hand-wringing. Pure torture.

What if this whole thing is not you, alone, creating the outcome? What if it is not YOU ALONE “making” this so-called decision? What if there are all kinds of forces of the universe, of life flowing in it’s amazing way….and what if all possibilities are friendly?

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say that I’m a woman without a future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future. All my decisions are made for me, just as they’re all made for you. When you mentally tell yourself the story that you have something to do with it, you’re attaching to an underlying belief.“~Byron Katie

Wow! Really?!

One of the most anxiety-producing beliefs is the concept “my future depends on making the right decision”. Equally painful is the belief “I made a terrible decision”.

Again, both of these thoughts are concerned with the future and the past.

I find that without believing these thoughts, I’m back in the present. I’m not concerned with worries that whatever I decide will be uncomfortable, difficult, or lead to disaster. Everything is so simple: I work with what is right here in this particular moment only, what feels loving, what feels easiest, what feels most in the flow of life.

If I un-do and question all that I’ve ever learned about decisions and people who make them, then I am at ground zero, a new innocent, fresh place. It’s like I just came from another planet and I’m not concerned with what is right or wrong.

 “It takes time to get used to operating from a whole different perspective. You have a decision to make, and your mind wants to know what the right decision is. But you realize that isn’t a relevant concern anymore because your framework for decision making has been conditioned. A “right decision” according to whom? One person’s “right” is another person’s “wrong.” If you’re not going to make decisions based on right and wrong or should and shouldn’t–which only exist in thought–then how do you move?”~Adyashanti

Just do one thing at a time. And wait. Let the universe support you. You don’t have to “know” what is right or wrong…in fact it may not be possible to know.

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.”~Tao Te Ching #48

Love, Grace