Month: September 2012

Posted on

Illness As A Teacher

There is a saying which goes “there may be a gift in the wound“.

This is helpful for looking at what we see as a wound, and finding something useful about it…anything, even the smallest tiniest thing. When we can do this, we have to admit that nothing is 100% tragedy.

I have spent some time today, in response to a wonderful inquirer who asked me to do this exercise with her, to find something genuine and authentically useful about our injuries.

My knee was hurt last fall, and operated on in March. What could be good about that?

  • Several friends did internet research for me, I learned all about knee joints
  • I got to experience a truly amazing high-tech operating room
  • there were about 10 people, literally, present to help during my 20 minute procedure who all introduced themselves to me and shook my hand
  • my soon-to-be husband was not worried in the least, available, and seemed to love being of service–driving me there and back, taking care of necessities
  • it was very still and quiet in my house, lying flat on my back for a day or two
  • I feel more tender, gentle and accepting of my legs—most of the time
  • I realize how much fun I can have dancing without squatting or bending the knee far

Stephen and Ondrea Levine have studied and assisted people with dying for their entire careers, writing books on dying and meditation and mindfulness.

Stephen says, to paraphrase, that illness may be a shamanic apprenticeship….in other words, there may be a gift in illness. He is clear to say that he would not wish illness on anyone, but he would wish for people that any illness they get would be a teaching.

I had a cancer tumor on my leg. Cancer appears to run rampant in my family.

I do know one very profound gift that seems to pop into my mind about this situation. That is, my life is short and sort of doesn’t matter. I know that may sound weird. But it doesn’t matter in a good way.

“When you are ill or disabled, do not feel that you have failed in some way, do not feel guilty. Do not blame life for treating you unfairly, but do not blame yourself either. All that is resistance….Whenever any kind of disaster strikes, or something goes seriously “wrong” – illness, disability, loss of home or fortune or of a socially defined identity, breakup of a close relationship, death or suffering of a loved one, or your own impending death – know that there is another side to it, that you are just one step away from something incredible: a complete alchemical transmutation of the base metal of pain and suffering into gold. That one step is called surrender.”~Eckhart Tolle 
Surrender does not mean, I might add, to lie down on the floor and do nothing. I used to think that’s what it meant a lot of the time. No.

It means I am here with this moment as it is, I do not fight against this situation, this experience. Here I am with an imperfect knee, a hurting hip, a history of cancer, skin that looks older and has wrinkles, hair going gray at the temples.

Here I am with a mind that thinks “I don’t have much time left” or “Well, that was fun (my life)” or “it’s all down hill from here” or “I did nothing of use to the planet”.

I have to chuckle…I can’t believe any of this anymore. If you inquire, you’ll find you can’t believe it either.

What I do see is that when some part of me is complaining…thinking about how something should be other than it is (like my knee) then I’m directing a lot of warring thoughts to the situation.

It’s like I’m shaking my fist at the Universe and shouting “What gives?! Explain!! I hate this! So annoying!”

But allowing everything to be the way it is, not fighting against it, brings peace into this present place, right now. Just a big question mark. Not worry, anger, despair.

“Where I live is ‘what do I know about what is best for me?’ If I have cancer, that’s fine with me and if I don’t have cancer, that’s fine with me”.~Byron Katie

I watched Katie do this work with a man a few years ago, who had cancer growing, and actually found reasons for why this was a good thing.

Amazing world, amazing universe. Thank you illness and injury for bringing it on.
Love, Grace

Byron Katie: I want the cancer to stop growing.
Byron Katie: I want the cancer to stop growing.
Posted on

Wanting The Future

Almost every human being has had the experience of “wanting”. The origins of the word mean lacking, deficiency, shortage, wish for, desire. Kids say they want, adults say they want. We can say we want something with great passion, or not much feeling like it’s not a big deal one way or the other.

What is this state of WANTING?

My mind thinks, my body feels: I want to eat something, I want lots of money, I want power, I want a nice place to live, I want jelly beans, I want sex, I want a happy life, I want a new car, I want peace and quiet, I want forgiveness, I want to laugh, I want to understand, I want to feel “x”, I want to change society, I want to be enlightened.

The whole state of wanting can feel like a wave of noticing that I am lacking in something, I’m wishing for something, and almost simultaneously thinking about what would resolve this state of shortage.

The mind loves to solve problems, so when things are simple (I feel thirsty, I find water and drink it) it solves the puzzle fast. It gets frustrated when it’s not so simple or there are opposing desires (I want money, I refuse to work….I want a relationship, being around people too long is annoying).

Studying the state of “wanting” can be really fascinating. Even if you feel agonizingly full of desire for MORE or LESS of something, the minute you study it you get a little altitude on it, like you’re the observer of this “wanting” thing.

You may suddenly notice that you’re not 100% sure you really want what you think you want.

You may notice you are setting yourself up for unhappiness or failure, by thinking that when you get “that” you will be happy. Your wise self may know that future happiness is not guaranteed. At all.

You may notice that you actually already have what you want.

I love asking the question “what would I have if I got what I wanted? If the universe cooperated with my demands, er I mean, my desires, and everything was here that I want?

I find that answering this question shakes up the mind. Which can be a little scary for people who like control (most of us) but FASCINATING.

So, I say to myself “I want lots of money”. What would I have, if I had lots of money?

Security, freedom, time, peace. And THEN what would I have, if I had freedom? (Do this with each thing you come up with).

I would travel around the world, I would ditch this place, I would be extremely creative and invent artistically, I would read all day long, I would go to many more retreats and workshops, I would study, I would write, I would put on a performance.

And THEN what would I have? BE HONEST!

I would have fans, excitement, adventure, happiness, a meaningful life. And then?

That’s it. That’s what I really want…a meaningful life, excitement, adventure, happiness. Money could bring these to me really easily.

So can I have meaning and happiness right now in this moment, without one penny more?

The mind will say it’s impossible, not good enough, could be so much better with more money….that there are no adventures in my neighborhood, it’s not that exciting, and it’s not conducive to reaching enlightenment (I need to go live in a monastery like Leonard Cohen for five years….that would do it).

But the thing is, my neighborhood is chock full of people, there are streets I’ve never been down only a few miles away, there are people I’ve never even met, buildings I’ve never been in, workshops and classes being taught right in my own town, piles of books at the library.

If I really wanted to put on a theater production I could do it in my back yard. If I really wanted an adventure, I could start one today, right now.

This is skipping the “middle man” and going right to the heart of what is wanted. I find that happiness is present right here, right now.

Even without these things…the books, the streets in the neighborhood…there is me sitting here with a body and a very speedy mind, and eyes, ears, feelings, silence.

If I think something is lacking, I write it down, I write what I’m thinking, and I inquire.

A questioner asks Byron Katie: “Loving what is sounds like never wanting anything. Isn’t it more interesting to want things?”

Katie replies “My experience is that I do want something all the time: What I want is what is. It’s not only interesting, it’s ecstatic! When I want what I have, thought and action aren’t separate; they move as one, without conflict. If you find anything lacking, ever, write down your thought and inquire. I find that life never falls short and doesn’t require a future. Everything I need is always supplied, and I don’t have to do anything for it. There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.”~Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Life doesn’t require a future! OMG!

Right NOW, in this state, there is ecstatically enough, without the thing I believe would make things BETTER (lots of money). When I experience the truth of this, I have freedom, happiness, security, adventure, enlightenment….everything I actually wanted in the first place.

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. Make the Now the primary focus of your life”.~Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

Posted on

Spiritual Teacher Yosemite Sam

There are a lot of spiritual writings and sayings that are becoming cliche these days. This has actually probably happened throughout human history. An idea enters into the scene, and little thoughts-to-live-by start to get repeated.

Sayings like “we are one with everything….there is no duality….I am not really here….this is all an illusion….the present moment is all that matters….at every moment we choose love or fear…I must find the pathless path…”

All very helpful, if it is truly REAL for you, makes sense to you….AND if you can tell yourself the thoughts without immediately thinking you aren’t living up to it. Or use it against yourself in some subtle (or not-so-subtle) way.

Sometimes, I must laugh. One of my favorite spiritual teachers is Yosemite Sam. Yes, that would be the cartoon character.

It’s helpful to have an irreverent bone in your body. It helps you stop the attempt to be “good” and “better” all the time. There are many advantages, in fact, to irreverence.

One day I was reading yet another “spiritual” book and the author was talking about “Is-ness”. I thought, if one more person talks or writes about “IS-ness”, I’ll shoot a gun off! Like Yosemite Sam!

I don’t really like the sound of the word “Is-ness”, although I do like made up words. But not that one. Even though some of my truly favorite authors or teachers use it.

And I don’t always think that it’s helpful to start telling myself little spiritual principles or quotes or sayings to try to get myself back on track, to try to get myself to stop feeling damaged, poor, broken, or defeated. Not when I don’t really believe them.

Yosemite Sam stops all “trying” to be Good. Stopping can be very helpful. Shoot a couple of rounds into the air and jump up and down. At some perfect moments, that is the most fabulous spiritual practice.

Irreverence in the dictionary is defined as LACK of veneration. Veneration is the feeling of awe, fear, reverence, devotion. It comes from the root to worship. We’re talking about giving up worship and awe here. In a good way.

“I used to try to be smart and now I don’t and everything works a whole lot better. Stopping being smart was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.”~ Jed McKenna

Ultimately, the only thing I can do is be myself. It can’t be true that if I read a certain book (the bible, for example) or encountered the right teacher (like Byron Katie) that I would be free, liberated, good, or better…..and that if I didn’t encounter these amazing teachers or writings, that I would be stuck.

Instead, living with uncertainty, and not knowing, appears to be what is true.

Eckhart Tolle says “when you get comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.”

So here we are….and apparently, if you’re here, then it means you’ve probably read many authors and are always hearing about another new amazing teacher, and a new practice for living life well. You might have little sayings to tell yourself.

Nothing wrong with any of this (I sure hope not, I’ve spent a lot of time being fascinated with anything I can get my hands on about the meaning of life).

But sometimes it’s good to consult Yosemite Sam.

He’s great at helping you close the book, stop trying to meditate or chant the right phrases, look around at the territory. Stop knowing anything. Bam Bam, then silence.

“Notice the feeling of irritation that arises when you are unable to fix the malfunctioning toaster. Then notice the space around that irritation. Notice that the broken toaster is not a problem until you make it a problem through thought.”~Scott Kiloby

I notice that Amazement is here, without me trying to find it. YOU are amazing. Me too.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Willing To Lose Everything

Yesterday I was thinking about money. Not unusual of course. I wonder if there are many human beings who don’t?

The part that is different about my thinking, when I think about money, is that it seems that whether there is a bill due, a payment to be made, a payment to receive, or imagining upcoming future payments….I simply do not have the mental stressful thinking I once had about it.

I have done The Work on money about 500 times. Well, maybe this is an exaggeration.

Exaggeration is common when it comes to money:

  • I’ll NEVER get out of debt
  • This will take me years and years to pay for, I’ll probably be dead
  • I don’t EVER get what I want
  • it’s sooooooo hard to go to work
  • This whole system is set up with such inequality, it is ALL UNFAIR
  • I’ll NEVER understand how to get lots of money
  • I am trapped, stuck, stupid, desperate, hopeless when it comes to money

Stressful thinking can enter so quickly and take off like a rocket, that it is helpful, whether you consider yourself worried about money or not, to consider all that you believe about this thing called money.

Five and a half years ago, I got divorced.

Before that, I didn’t work full time for ten years, but I always worked part time. I actually did editing for several companies as a freelancer, and for one company as a part time employee only a few hours a week. All work done at home. Incredible for a mother of babies.

My story was often “I didn’t work for ten years! Terrible! Lazy!” and also “The rug is pulled out from under me (divorce)! I can’t afford anything! I can’t I can’t I can’t!”

Two years after my divorce, I had zero savings, no job at all (everything had “ended” or closed for ALL the part-time work I had been doing).

I had used my credit card for three months to pay my mortgage and for groceries. My children were eligible, it turned out, for free lunch at school. I could have gotten food stamps but I felt like such a failure to even qualify for them.

I felt like I was on the Titanic and it was going down, fast. I had no way to pay my bills and nothing left. I had borrowed all that was available to borrow from family. I had been to job interviews everywhere….and I was finally open to working at an entry level job at any restaurant or fast-food place. I had been soooo judgmental of those places.

The whole time, during this period, I had The Work. I did it like crazy. I felt the panic inside, I identified all the judgments I had about money, myself, divorce, survival…

I became willing to be doomed, to stop fighting, to surrender. That was actually all I had left. No choice. Except to question my very negative, painful, horrified thoughts.

“You don’t get to vote on what is. Have you noticed?”~ Byron Katie

So yesterday when I was thinking about money, I remembered all this. It’s like the mind showed me all these pictures and images of that experience. I remembered being willing to move into my mother’s house and live in her basement, to stop fighting that or seeing it as terrible.

I remembered recognizing that my relationship with money was a gift one evening, after inquiring into my thinking with a facilitator.

Nothing else could have even come close to helping me walk a path of spirit, willingness, openness, trust. Nothing else could have allowed me to stop arguing with reality, to stop seeing myself as a loser.

“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience. Taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them…..I am the perpetrator of my suffering – but only all of it.”~ Byron Katie

In January, it will be four years since that time I completely hit bottom financially. As it happened, I didn’t lose my house to foreclosure, barely.

The amazing thing is, I now have zero debt except for my house mortgage. I didn’t win the lottery, I didn’t rake in piles of money, or get a huge high-paying full time job.

I just kept questioning my beliefs about money when I had them. Even though it felt like I was ready to scream (that was the best time, in fact).

My practice grew with people from all over the world, people also wanting to question their beliefs. I felt creative and put together classes on the work I myself had done around money…and many other repetitively stressful topics.

Waiting for money to be different, for someone else to change, for my body to look “better” or for society, jobs, bills to be other than they are BEFORE I feel happy is very painful.

It stopped mattering what was going on with money. All that mattered was what was going on with the inside of me.

The turnaround to number six in the Work, on this topic, goes like this (write and ask me if you’re not sure what “number six” is): I am willing to lose all my money and assets. I look forward to losing all my money and assets.

“When the ancient Masters said, ‘If you want to be given everything, give everything up,’ they weren’t using empty phrases. Only in being lived by the Tao can you be truly yourself.”~Tao te Ching #22

Love, Grace

Posted on

I Am Nothing

People are fascinated with personality through assessments and tests, codes, types, definitions. Personality is defined as the qualities that form a distinctive character.

Your Enneagram number, your Myers-Briggs type indicator, your Attachment Type, your Love Language. I encountered many of these assessments in graduate school for Behavioral Science.

I often hear myself say to others that I am introverted by nature. I come out so extreme on this scale when taking some of the tests that it looks like I’m a recluse with very little interest in other people.

People exclaim “That can’t be true! You seem so extraverted!” (I love Henny Youngman’s quote: You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. Ha!)

In a wonderful way, these tests assist us to use language and words to say to someone “this is what I am like”. They create connection. Some context for discovering differences. There can be a shared fun of surprise, interest, curiosity.

These kinds of assessments can help people relate or understand one another. To communicate more authentically, honestly. They often help people feel more accepting of their loved ones. People share what they learn, what drew them to answer certain ways if they are taking a test or reviewing a series of Personality Types.

In the end, though, or should I say “from the very beginning”, there is all gray area. People shift and change. They are one way with one person, another way with someone else. They have tendencies but the pattern is never truly linear, consistent.

One really interesting thing to note about any personality assessment, any statement of How We Are, any answer to tests or questions, is that they are based only on the past. On the mind finding proof of moments, feelings, ways of behavior that “show” us that we were THAT way at one time. Before.

These assessments and tests are all about “me” in the world. However, I think why people are so drawn to them is that they put us into the Observing Mind.

When we are just sitting, observing, looking, remembering….we are not reacting as much. We are fairly neutral. There is less right and wrong. We’re summarizing, making notes, like scientists.

It’s like when we do The Work and start writing down our most painful thoughts, the ideas and beliefs coming out of our minds, getting them on paper. We’re not right in the middle of expressing our thoughts, reacting to them….we’re not in the middle of acting out our personalities.

What is REALLY interesting is when we begin to see beyond these categorizations…to ask “who am I?”

What is this “I” that appears to be so present, that is living out this life, concerned with itself, having its tendencies in certain directions, with its particular personality, apparently?

Not once, but two times, Adyashanti suggested to me directly, as he also does in his writings, to think about who “I” am.

Is it bigger than a bread box? Is it an energy ball? Is it a cluster of “thinking” or “feeling”? Is it this pattern of Introverted responses, that number 4 on the Enneagram, the zodiac sign Aquarius?

Adya said to me, when I started to have frustration about how to answer the question of who or what I am…“Quick! If you had to answer RIGHT NOW, who or what do you think you are?”

In a flash I saw a huge, wide, vast open space, like sky. Nothing there.

Rats.

It can be a little discouraging to realize that your story of yourself means nothing, is nothing, doesn’t actually matter. But then, it’s only discouraging if in that split second AFTER you see who or what you are, you find another thought that is afraid of what it sees.

If whatever is here is just running, living, and there is no clear “I” then there’s nothing real to test an actual personality for. This is terrible, chaotic, discouraging, meaningless, depressing, hopeless….is that true?

“The me I know myself as, my personality, is toast…….We do not want to see that there is a gaping void at the center of our existence.”~ Adyashanti

I love the conversations and connections I’ve made by talking about test results or “my” answers. But really, in this journey which seems to be happening of being alive…I have no idea how to describe this thing called ME. Do you?

Maybe that’s OK. More than OK.

Love, Grace

Posted on

I Couldn’t Stop Hurting Myself

After the last class of Horrible Food Wonderful Food today I was thinking, for the millionth time, about how people successfully stop doing behaviors that are harmful to themselves.

I used to overeat so frantically, it was like I was getting out of a concentration camp and absolutely insane with the compulsion to get food.

Not one bit of stopping, forcing myself to stop, succeeding in stopping, remembering that I’d like to stop, or that stopping might feel better in the long run. It was definitely like a herd of cattle going flying off the cliff to the death.

If you ask me right now how I got to this place where I never ever binge, or overeat much at all (I do get nicely full on delicious large meals sometimes)…I’m not sure I could even tell you exactly how I did it. But there are elements to the journey that were vital.

  • admitting and expressing my deepest feelings
  • not lying
  • forgiving myself, not condemning myself
  • questioning my beliefs, especially the ones that scared me

One moment 25 years ago that I always like to tell that was a turning point in my recovery was when I was participating in a therapy group of people really committed to looking at themselves honestly, who wanted to stop suffering.

No one else in the group had an eating disorder. I felt so weird. Like the twisted strange addictive one who was really screwed up.

There were some ground rules in the group. One was “I will not harm myself”. Another one was “I will not get sick or go crazy”. Another, “I will not lie”. There were six of them altogether and periodically, we would be asked to say them out loud as a way of reinforcing these commitments.

The catch about these ground rules was that if you broke one….only you know you broke it. And then you were “required” to take the step of writing about what happened, why you thought you broke it, and speak it out loud to the group.

You were asked to do everything you could to understand what was going on when you didn’t keep your commitment to the ground rules.

A few months into participating in the group, I realized that I was breaking the rule “I will not harm myself” every time I ate frenetically, with panic and fear and anger.

If I was going to honestly participate in the group (and keep the commitment to NOT LYING) then I was going to have to arrive at group and then tell about my process to all the participants there. TERROR!

I could stay in my little world, which included isolated episodes of binge-eating and making myself completely sick….or I could speak my feelings and experience out loud to a group of 10 people and 2 therapists who cared about me.

I actually considered choice #1.

This shows the power of fear in revealing oneself honestly. Even though I was filled with self-hate, I thought keeping my secret self-harming behavior might be easier or better than letting other people know the real me.

Fortunately, I made choice #2. I told everyone in the group, with shaking hands as I read my paper, that I had broken the “I will not harm myself” ground rule. I could hardly speak, but I managed to choke it all out.

When I looked up from my paper, the group was looking at me with love. What I received back was compassion, other humans listening to me with loving eyes and ears, and kind words of wisdom.

I was not rejected, hated, kicked out, slapped, silenced or criticized.

That began the journey to self-expression that was so much more authentic. And, I found that if all my feelings were “allowed” then I didn’t feel like eating so much, or drinking or smoking or doing anything else that I didn’t like doing.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be cause by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.”~ Byron Katie

It is easier, at least this has been my ongoing experience, to be who I am, which only means revealing all that is here in this moment, without resisting it or hiding it. Including uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps, especially uncomfortable feelings.

“If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. What looks like weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength”~ Eckhart Tolle

No more hiding, no more radical, crazy behavior, no more need for addiction escapes. Just mediocre, regular human.

Human who is not hurting.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Everyone Is Welcome Here

Nearing the end of the summer term of classes, I am so filled with gratitude for all the amazing participants. I usually feel like having a group that lasts much longer…I so love the connections made.

People have a range of experiences during two months of weekly inquiry with a small group. Some have light bulbs popping right and left with awareness. Their actual interactions with people they know change. Their relationship with their own minds become different, they stop binge-eating all the time, or obsessing about food and their bodies, or fighting with their spouse, or constantly thinking they don’t have enough time or money.

Other people feel annoyed at the exercises, their situations, at doing inquiry. Impatient, despairing, not grokking it.

Every so often someone drops away and stops calling in to the classes. Even this does not always mean they left without finding it useful. I’ve known of people who just want to listen to the recordings, maybe over and over again, but not actually participate live on the call.

Everything is welcome. Every approach, every person, every belief.

Yesterday in our very last Money, Work and Business group we questioned the thought that if people knew EVERYTHING about me…that worst thing…then I would be humiliated.

I love realizing that humiliation only enters the room if I truly believe that what I’ve done MEANS I am horrible, worthless, the scum of the earth, “a worm”, as one honest participant said.

The amazing thing I love about the Work is that we can point the finger at someone else who we think of as having done something particularly shameful and humiliating, and then find out if we really, really think they are the scum of the earth once we’ve questioned our judgments about them.

Usually, we find it’s not that easy and simple. They have positive qualities. They were being themselves, doing the best they could. They had a lot of thoughts running through their minds, that were VERY painful and stressful. They didn’t stop to question “is it true?”

Once we do this inquiry and find that those monsters are not so horrific, our feelings that WE might be scummy worms fade away. We have a much, much greater capacity for accepting ourselves as we are, foibles and all.

Mistakes, reactions, compulsive behaviors, decisions we’ve made….they all become lighter stories.

The first place we begin with inquiry is to Knock On The Door of our own inner world. And go inside. Even if we think this is going to be a disgusting, stinking, putrid, god-awful nasty building, full of mean, nasty, horrible, disgusting thoughts.

We write down our most judgmental, critical, petty, childish, angry, despairing thoughts about whatever is going on, about those terrible people, about the world, money, food, God, the Universe, and then it’s there right in front of us on paper.

This is so hard for many people that they want to burn the paper just in case someone would find it. It’s scary to admit these judgments exist, and we suffer so badly just in thinking there is something rotten about us and how selfish and rude we are.

But exposing the thinking, and then sticking with it—turning the light on in that dark room—is the first step towards recognizing that peace is actually here already, inside us. We don’t have to go looking for it.

Gathering with others, we all reveal our most distressing thoughts. And then do The Work, asking what it’s like when we think this thought, exploring it in such detail. Letting it have its voice. We start to wake up from the dream of what we’ve been believing.

“The process is therefore one of recognition. We recognize that there is peace now, even if your mind is confused. You may see that even when you touch upon peace now, the mind is so conditioned to move away from it that it will try to argue with the basic fact of peace’s existence within you: “I can’t be at peace yet because I have to do this, or that, or this question hasn’t been answered, or that question hasn’t been answered, or so-and-so hasn’t apologized to me.”~Adyashanti

Peace is present right here, even in your sadness about your financial situation, your despair about the way you eat and what your body looks like, or the fury you feel when you’re with your mother.

Doing The Work with others, I know over and over again that I am not alone, that I am not weird or different or separate or extra messed up. I am a part of humanity and it is possible foranyone to love, accept, allow, to stay with what is.

Everyone is welcome here, on this planet, in my world. How do I know? Because they’re here.

Love, Grace

 

Posted on

Not Enough Too Much Painful Cycle

First, I’m adding an evening class of Horrible Food Wonderful Food (Pacific time) for Tuesdays 6:00 – 7:30 pm. Write me grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re interested.

Working with a troubling relationship like “food” and eating can be very tricky. It’s similar to other substances like smoking, drinking, using drugs in the way it feels hard to stop using it in the way we do. We consume, take it in, ingest it when we don’t like the way we are feeling or thinking.

The difference between food and other consumable items is that we apparently need to eat to keep the body alive. So we HAVE to face this relationship daily.

When it’s a very addictive, agonizing relationship that triggers a lot of emotion, then it’s like having a neighbor who is mean, angry, critical….or sad, depressed, suicidal…that you see on and off all day long. And maybe all evening or all night long, too.

It’s a troubling encounter, almost every time you meet.

The thing is, this difficult neighbor, this relationship with food, needs to be invited in for tea. I found I had to make friends with it—there was just no other way.

It is not easy to do that with an entity that feels so vicious, powerful, enraged, condemning, and unpredictable.

But of course, it is our THINKING that is spinning off in all these directions, with lots of uncomfortable feelings following all the thoughts that are going a thousand miles per hour.

The way I found the most peace around food was to do the following, which I did not plan out…it was not a strategy or anything I was forcing myself to do. It was what I most desired, so I was drawn to it:

  1. Stop every plan or diet (they never worked permanently anyway) that categorized and listed foods as “good” or “bad” or had measurements or time on the clock for eating.
  2. Accept my emotions, fears, terrors, loneliness, fury, grief as part of being alive, not that it meant something was wrong with me.
  3. Never give up believing that I could be normal with food and eating.

This can also be done with smoking, using drugs, drinking, or any other compulsive addictive behavior, something you don’t love doing but you can’t seem to give up.

For any behavior you notice that you engage in, but you don’t really like the outcome, Step #1 above becomes STOP making a plan for tomorrow or “the rest of your life”.

In the moment when you feel like doing the thing that you know doesn’t work in a permanent way (eat, smoke, drink, watch porn, over-exercise, shop, gamble) see if you can find out what exactly is so intolerable about THIS moment, now.

I found that I thought of my feelings as unbearable (Step #2 above). I was furious, heartsick, grief-stricken, scared, feeling trapped.

I hated feeling strong feelings so much that I believed I must get away from them, alter them, suppress them, attack them and destroy them.

So really, working with addiction, whatever it is you do to escape, starts with allowing this experience of feeling, being alive, and having that mean neighbor. It’s allowed to be the way it is. Leave it alone. Let this moment be here.

I still have strong feelings. Huge big feelings that seem overwhelming. I don’t necessarily like having them all the time, but I don’t round them up and send them to a concentration camp to be annihilated.

Big feelings are allowed here. What you are angry about, scared of, confused, or frustrated by is OK.

You are not terrible, unusual, missing something, unworthy, wrong, or stupid.

When starting to look at all the beliefs about food and eating that we’ve ever had, about bodies and weight-loss and weight-gain and fat people and skinny people….we begin to see what we thought was true might not be true at all.

When we have big painful feelings, we can invite them in and write down what we are most bothered by. We can be willing, open, curious to see what this terrible experience is all about.

Even if you just ate a gallon of ice cream.

“Whether you are aware of it or not, self-centered thoughts are polluting everything you do. Inquiry is just noticing that, so that the true quietness of who you really are can be realized.”~ Scott Kiloby

You are not “self-centered” really. Maybe you believe you are, and you believe this is very bad. You believe you are not spiritual and there is something greedy and disgusting about you. At least that’s what I used to think constantly when I overate.

But this is only your mind, working out things by “thinking”. It’s doing it’s job.

“The mind exists in a state of ‘not enough’ and so is always greedy for more. When you are identified with mind, you get bored and restless very easily. Boredom means the mind is hungry for more stimulus, more food for thought, and its hunger is not being satisfied. When you feel bored, you can satisfy the mind’s hunger by picking up a magazine, making a phone call, switching on the TV, surfing the web, going shopping, or — and this is not uncommon — transferring the mental sense of lack and its need for more to the body and satisfy it briefly by ingesting more food.” Eckhart Tolle

See today if you find you have a compulsive urge to do something if you can wait 60 seconds before you do it. Yes, that short.

While you are waiting, see if you can write one sentence down that is a reason you are suffering in this moment. What is happening here that is painful?

“Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.”~ Tao te Ching #3

If you’re ready to look at what you believe about food, hunger, and bodies…come join the teleclass that starts Tuesdays, either morning or evening, Pacific time.

Teleclasses also begin soon on Money, Work and Business, Our Wonderful Sexuality, and Turning Relationship Heaven to Hell. All using Inquiry to find out what we’re thinking that builds stress….and dissolving our stress by answering questions about what is really true.

Love, Grace

Posted on

What Would SILENCE Do? (WWSD?)

The mind is constantly looking around to make sure all is well and everything is comfortable. The focus is entirely on what could threaten us. It’s a protection machine.

There is nothing wrong with this of course. It’s very handy if you’re out in the bush with large creatures with big teeth behind trees. You better be on the lookout if you want to live!

I like to joke about being in Terminator mode. It’s like the mind is in hyper-tech-radar position with this invisible little analysis eyeball thing going on for everything it encounters. Identifying, categorizing, assessing. Positive, Negative, I Like, I Don’t Like, Good, Bad.

But if you’re constantly on alert, on the lookout at all times, it can become very very stressful. Sometimes, we just want to RELAX.

One activity that looks really relaxing, that most of us have heard of as a personal practice for well-being, is meditation.

What could be more relaxing that sitting still, being quiet, doing nothing?

When I first went on a silent meditation retreat, about an hour into it I had the thought that just sitting there was a bit crazy. What were we all doing here anyway? Was life really so nuts that we all come together and sit with our eyes closed, saying nothing, being silent together?

I thought this was going to help me feel peaceful?

The thing that was happening is that my mind was still in look-out, alert, terminator mode. So lacking outside stimulus, it started going at it internally (which is what it was always doing anyway). Spinning off in any new direction that entered as a possible “problem” or image to consider.

No distractions. I now had myself all to myself. And I didn’t like it. In fact, I drove myself CRAZY. I found my mind incredibly fascinating and extremely unpleasant all at once. A love-hate relationship.

And it WAS NOT SILENT! JEEZUS!

Most people, even people who have practiced meditation for a long time, get a busy buzzing chattering mind. It has many things to say, ideas, suggestions. It sorts and mulls and chews on “problems”.

It is not easy to find the place in silence that is beyond the loud, noisy mind. At least not for the first hour.

But with only a little willingness….or maybe because you’ve tried everything else and nothing really works…you become able to sit quietly and watch yourself, without doing anything about it.

This is entering the experience of allowing things to be the way they are.

Can you imagine allowing everything to be as it is, as Adyashanti and other meditation teachers suggest?

It means I stay, even if I’m thinking of horrifying images, sad and despairing thoughts, memories that are terrible or full of grief. Anything the mind throws at the inner movie screen, I stay.

In life, this means that whatever happens, I don’t fight against it, wish it weren’t there. I don’t hate anything, I don’t attack reality, I don’t shake my fist at God saying “How could you!?!”

In fact, I realized by sitting in meditation that there is no one in charge, except Silence. Ask a question? Silence. Produce a bunch of noise? Silence. Make demands? Silence.

After some practice of meditation, I loved it. Only because I knew all my mind-noise was not true, unnecessary, and chaotic. It had no end and didn’t find any answers.

When I feel stress and anxiety, frustration, sadness, annoyance, and my terminator mind kicks in ready to Get-This-Problem-Resolved-Now (which is tempting but never really works) then the quickest way to peace is:

  1. The Work–answering four questions and turning my thoughts around
  2. Meditation
  3. Dance
  4. Ask Myself What I Want and Get That for Myself

The most important thing is considering, stewing in, remembering, and imagining what it would be like to Allow Everything To Be As It Is.

Just leave it all alone. No trying to change, tweak, manage something or someone. No if-only-it-were-like….it-shouldn’t-have-been….I can’t…they can’t….STOP.

See what it’s like to be Silence. If you were SILENCE, what would you do?

Love, Grace

Posted on

Pain! Ouch I Hate It!

Physical accidents, trauma, injury or death all seem to be things most of us do NOT love. Chronic pain, broken limbs, deep back aches, going through chemotherapy, something ongoing that is always there, unpleasant or horrendous, always hurting.

How do we work with inquiry and asking questions like “is it true?” when this kind of stuff is going on? These areas do not seem like ones where I can feel peaceful, accepting, open. Or can I?

Can you imagine the absurdity of saying in your hospital bed when you wake up “oh, that’s right, I lost my legs, I got burned, I have cancer, my back hurts, I’m paralyzed…and it’s not a problem.”

The other day I hurt my hip. It’s actually been an ongoing pain that’s been building for awhile, sometimes a dull ache, sometimes more burning. This time it prevented me from dancing, which I usually do twice a week.

I’ve been studying Pain for awhile…and how the mind works with it.

Humans have studied pain for decades. It’s fascinating. We talk about people having different pain thresholds. Some women report that childbirth is terribly painful, some report that it was only uncomfortable.

We also have thoughts about those people who don’t feel much pain or who don’t get sick very often are doing something right, better…they are lucky, have it easy, are blessed, are wiser.

Not only is the pain bad, but there’s something wrong with me for experiencing it in the first place!

A study was done recently by scientists trying to understand more about chronic pain, at Northwestern University in Chicago. They concluded that the emotional state of the brain, how the mind reacted to an injury, had so much to do with the experience of the injury, that they could predict who would have chronic pain after the injury, based on brain scans.

In other words, different parts of the brain got very excited, jumpy, and active in response to a physical ailment…and this made the pain last longer or hurt more. Who knows why these brains got more excitable, they just do.

So there I was yesterday with my hip, feeling very sorry for myself. Thoughts like:

  • this is the beginning of the end of my life of ease
  • I’m getting older and I will have more and more body parts that hurt
  • I don’t want to “have to” take care of this
  • it should stop hurting
  • I’m such a complainer—other people have it much worse
  • I should be grateful it isn’t some major accident
  • Quit your bellyaching!
  • BUT I HATE IT!

My attitude towards this sensation in my hip is that it is a total annoyance and irritation AND I feel very sorry for myself. And then almost instantly I’m also thinking I should stop complaining about it and ignore it and STOP feeling sorry for myself.

Now I’ve got a boxing match going on inside the mind. What do you think happens when I’m mad at the pain and mad at myself for being mad? MADNESS ALL AROUND!

Endless loop. No inquiry. Mind spinning fast. Pain appearing and re-appearing.

So, I stop and slow it down and ask myself questions. I can be a scientist studying this interesting sensation in the hip joint.

It shouldn’t hurt. Is it true? I can’t stand it. Can I absolutely know that this is true? It means I will continue to feel pain into the future, now that I’m aging. How do I react when I think this thought? This is “hurting”. Who would I be without that thought, if I didn’t think this sensation was actually hurting?

“Everything turns out to be a gift—that’s the point. Everything that you saw as a handicap turns out to be the extreme opposite. But you can only know this by staying in your integrity, by going inside and finding out what your own truth is—not the world’s truth.”~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names For Joy

How is it a gift that I have this hip pain, for the third day in a row? Or, any physical ailments in life: broken ankle, cancer tumor cut off my leg, horrible case of mumps, chicken pox, fevers, vomiting, rashes, colds, car accident, aging.

Katie speaks of herself doing inquiry on physical deterioration of the body. She watched the mind become horrified once when she passed a very old woman at a mall. Being right inside that old woman, she thought “oh my God, I’m trapped here! I’m supposed to be the young, bright one! There’s been a mistake, I’ll never get out, I’ll be like this forever!”

Without these thoughts of being stuck, trapped, horrified….there is such openness, entering a mysterious unknown. Katie describes how her own inquiry canceled the painful thoughts out.

“….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began…..to love itself as the old woman, and to appreciate the slow pace, the withered flesh, the pain, the stench….there was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else…”~Byron Katie

As I stop dictating to myself that I shouldn’t complain, stop telling myself that this hip is awful, that I’m STUCK because of it, that I’m trapped in a body that can get sick, injured or die….then I wonder what this is all for. I’m curious. I’m gentle and kind. I listen to the voice of this pain.

“Your thoughts make you suffer more than anything else, your interpretation of how dreadful it all is….”~Eckart Tolle  

I stop inflicting more, additional pain upon myself the minute I turn my thoughts around.

I have no idea, I realize, that this hip pain means I am trapped, that it will last, or that I can’t ever dance again. I notice that I can be happy even if I feel physical pain or sickness or aging, I’ve known that always, I’ve experienced it.

I start to get excited about getting older. Feeling what happens, watching skin change, feeling messages to stop or go or do other entirely different things with movement.

What an amazing body, bringing me research into peace, awareness, awakening. 

Love, Grace