This past weekend’s Eating Peace note had whacky dead ends and non-working links.
(Sometimes the way we feel when it comes to eating, right?)
First of all, you are not crazy if you couldn’t find the facebook group for eating peace. It’s secret and not find-able.
For some of you, there was ALSO trouble accessing the newest version of Eating Peace eBook with a Seven Day peaceful-thinking practice.
To access these gifts, please follow the steps below.
I love your feedback and investigating this powerful journey of finding permanent peace with eating, body image, food….and our experience of life overall no matter what’s ever happened to cause us suffering or pain.
Download the Eating Peace: Seven Thoughts to Question, Seven Days to Practice ebook by heading HERE. You’ll enter your email (you won’t be double-subscribed so don’t worry) and receive it in your Inbox.
Second, if you’d like to join the secret facebook group Eating Peace for conversation and healing in eating (and often sharing that I only do there) then you’ll need to send me a quick email by hitting “reply” to this message. Just say something like “YES! sign me up for the eating peace facebook group”. I’ll send you a personal invitation from the group to join via email.
When I was bulimic or anorexic, I was filled with shame and couldn’t imagine writing or sharing about it anywhere unless I was kept very anonymous to the outside world. If facebook had existed at the time, I would only have joined if it was a secret group like this one, so I hope this serves those of you wanting to explore your relationship with eating.
Sharing and community changed my life. It was a key factor in altering the roots of my eating troubles. Because I know how life-savingly valuable finding community support is, I’m making it available to anyone who wants it, for free.
I hope either the ebook, or the facebook discussion, or both will serve you, if you’re drawn. I hope you may find the peace and end of the battling or compulsion you so deserve and want.
I know it’s possible to dissolve eating wars and no longer live in fear of weird, off-balance eating. If it’s possible for me, it’s possible for you.
We can find the working “links” to peace so eating is no longer a mine field, but a joyful pleasure every day.
Here’s the working link for Peace Talk Podcast in Itunes: Episode 143 on the Hurt of Being Left, Ignored, Rejected.
The tech part of this job isn’t always smooth.
And isn’t that the way of it: sometimes smoothness occurs effortlessly….sometimes it’s bumpy….sometimes tornado-like.
And what if we could relax, even in the midst of tech problems, or “thinking”?
The other night, a sense of sadness seemed to enter the room sometime in the wee hours. I’m often deeply asleep, and like all humans, sometimes awake in the dead of night.
As I lay there, images of someone I care about so much came to mind, who I’ve lost touch with.
A few weeks ago, during spring retreat here in Seattle, I contemplated this person I love–who I’ve heard through the grapevine is suffering immensely–and did The Work.
During retreat I always find the inquiry naturally becomes heightened as we hold silence and stay steady for several days in the questions. The power of the group support is palpable.
At least it sure is for me.
So there I was doing The Work with everyone, listening, hearing my own mind say what it’s saying, answering the questions on this person I had in mind.
And I noticed this idea come in, once again, that it would be soooooo great if this relationship was connected and back and peaceful and light-hearted. So at the end of one of the retreat days, as I wondered about a Living Turnaround (a way to live my inquiry) I sent a short text“I’m thinking about you and want you to know I send love and prayers.” Heart emoji.
It felt unattached, honest, kind. In The Work I had been doing memories rose up of how funny, smart and passionate I found this person in my life for so many years.
Yes, this is good! I expect nothing! Just a little text sharing my heart!
And then a few weeks went by.
No reply. No acknowledgment. No nothing.
Again.
So then the mind starts kicking in “Why is there never a reply or response? What’d I do? Can’t this person tell me straight to my face how I hurt them, if I did? What is going ON? Is it me or something else? Really??”
Concept that has appeared: I need that person’s attention, care, consideration.
What this need looks like is a responding text, an invitation, an email, a call, some kind of communication. It doesn’t look like empty space, being ignored, not interacting. It doesn’t look like nothingness.
This kind of thought is a powerfully painful thought. I notice people have it over and over again. We think jobs, people, experiences, money, lovers, family, friends, neighbors should want to stay very close and NEVER give us the silent treatment.
At least for me, it was enough to be present and awake in the night for a little while, apparently.
Let’s do The Work.
You can consider ANY person in your life, or money (one of my favorites) or a condition you believe needs to move towards you, connect with you, share with you.
You need them to connect with you. It would be so much better.
Is it true?
Yes! Isn’t that what life is all about?! Connection, love, interaction, a dance of back-and-forth.
(Wow, I do have my opinions, don’t I).
Can you absolutely know it’s true this person, thing, experience, place needs to connect with you–or is NOT connected with you already despite the fact that you don’t see them visually in your presence?
No.
I notice I don’t see everyone or everything I love all the time. I notice and hold silence frequently, and how would I know it is not supporting me? Do I really need a “thing” like that person, or something coming towards me, or someone communicating, or something arriving…when it isn’t?
It’s sort of funny, in a way, how intense and gripping the idea is that with some kind of connection with that person or thing or condition, I’ll be better off.
Can I really, really know that’s true?
Absolutely not.
How many inquirers have I done The Work with who were upset about break-ups, divorces, endings or changes where the absence of someone produced immense personal suffering?
It’s a deeply persistent and very painful story.
How do you react when you believe you need that person’s love or attention or communication with you?
I notice when I have this thought I start to think poorly of myself, disconnect with me, think of silence as a negative thing rather than something supporting me. I don’t see the joy and safety of this moment.
When I believe the thought in the middle of the night, I have tons of pictures of that person hating me, or busy Not Caring, or them hating themselves. I have images of my future where I’m on my deathbed and we never ever resolved this “problem” and never reconnected. So sad, sad, sad.
But who would you be without this thought?
Wow, I love this question.
It suddenly reminds me there is no emergency, no complete separation. I’m alive and well, lying in bed. Thinking is happening, yes, but so is simply being. I’m safe, quiet, comfortable, here.
Without the thought, I trust the shifting process of What Is. People come, people go. People are in the same room, people have passed on. Thoughts come, thoughts go. I’m awake, then I’m asleep. All parts of this experience are OK, none of it is really “better” than any other.
Without the thought that I need someone’s love, attention, communication….
….I’m very peaceful and happy I’ve known them at all. I’m resting in bed in a dark room, hearing the beautiful silent hum of night.
Turning the thought around: I do NOT need them to connect with me. I need to connect with myself (especially when I think of this person or thing). I need to connect with them.
How are these turnarounds just as true, or truer? Can I find examples?
Well, first of all, it’s the middle of the night. I actually don’t want a phone call, and I’m not on any devices to receive emails or texts. I’m very comfortable, resting, secure, breathing. All is very well indeed. Silent night, Holy night.
I’m also not disturbed by the circumstances of that person’s life–apparently I’m not required to help at the moment, or support in any way other than being here, open.
I need to connect with myself especially by NOT thinking I did something wrong, making it personal, attacking or berating myself for being someone who can’t be connected with. I need to not see myself as “needing” in this relationship, but instead to notice the brilliance of silence, feeling, and how OK I am right now.
In the midnight inquiry, I need to connect with them without demanding or assuming it’s better if they DO something and reach out. I need to connect with my images of them, and inquire. I need to notice how grateful I am for them whether they’re here or not. I feel this with my dad, who hasn’t had a body in almost 30 years.
I notice communication in a form I request (insist on–LOL) is not required.
“You get what you need, in whatever way you need it.” ~ Byron Katie
If you’d like to join in the power of shared inquiry with others, then come to Breitenbush on June 13th (Weds evening through Sunday lunch and almost full) or the next Seattle Autumn Retreat October 17-21, 2018.
Beautiful spring inquirers in Seattle, finding freedom and rest in inquiry. For more information about Autumn Retreat in Seattle Oct 17-21, 2018, click this photo.
So many of us see ourselves in a mirror, glass, or window reflection and we immediately think “ugly!”
It’s like there’s an exceptionally mean, critical, even bitter voice or perspective within that’s so speedy quick….we don’t even consider questioning it.
It’s simply filled with rejection, immediately.
That voice believes it’s going to motivate you to change RIGHT NOW, with punishment and control.
The mind begins to solve the “problem” it sees of ugliness, and use the words “I have to….”
I have to lose weight, I have to eat differently, I have to go on a diet, I have to push my body, I have to look good, I have to be thin, I have to succeed (etc, etc).
But who would you be without the story, or without believing the thought “I have to….” do anything?
You may WANT to, you may choose to, it may be fun, joyful and an experience full of self-care and kindness, but NOT a “have to”.
It would be patient and kind to notice what you are drawn to and what feels right, here in this moment now, with the image of your body.
A turnaround to this “have to” thought is the statement “I do NOT have to”.
Could this be just as true, or truer, to have a happy life?
If you had a loving, powerful, supportive friend wouldn’t you rather sit with them instead of the nasty, vicious, mean friend who’s sure about what “perfect” should look like (and it’s not you)?
And of course, another important turnaround in The Work for this concept of having to is “my thinking has to”.
I have to lose this weighed thinking, I have to think differently, I have to go on a thinking diet, I have to push my thinking, I have to think good, I have to have thinner thinking, I have to succeed in not believing my thinking.
I notice when I question my thinking of UGLY or REJECT or NO….
….and feel this body from the inside out instead of holding judgment from the outside in….
….I experience gratitude. I feel the nature of this present moment now as BEAUTIFUL, ACCEPTABLE, and YES.
How do you think it’s more likely to take care of yourself, or actually make changes that support yourself physically: with mean have-to dictator thinking, or joyful I-don’t-know open thinking?
There’s nothing so difficult as missing a person, or longing for them (especially if they’ve died or are no longer speaking to you).
The mind will think about all the ways it used to be, when it was “good” or “fun” or “loving”.
This absence is NOT loving, we think.
I’ve written about a friend who enacted a great betrayal once, according to me of course. She never spoke to me again.
This can happen with family members, parents, siblings, children, lovers.
They’re gone, and we’re hurt.
It’s fascinating, however, to study why we feel “hurt” and what exactly IS hurt, and why it occurs to us to feel upset and troubled when the body and presence of that person apparently is not in our vicinity.
Are we feeling useless? Unwanted? Betrayed? Rejected? Guilty? All of the above?
Ahhhh….what a good time for inquiry.
Who would we be without our story of their departure filled with the meaning “I am hurt” (because they’re gone)?
I talked about it in the most recent Peace Talk Episode 143, so join me there to question “they hurt me”.
I’ll also be heading to Facebook Live today to ponder with you the experience of questioning this sometimes profoundly painful story called They Left Me and I’m Hurting.
If you’d like to join me on Facebook live, come on over here at 10:15 am Pacific Time today (May 23) or watch the replay later.
Much love,
Grace
June 3rd East West Books on healing eating issues with self-inquiry 1-4 pm. Also June 10th last half-day retreat of the year Living Inquiries Group 2-6 pm (last one of the year).
Yesterday late morning on the last day of retreat, a beautiful group of inquirers shared hugs, goodbyes, gratitudes, I-love-you’s, phone number exchanges, photos.
The joy of a circle of people gathered for several days to inquire together from morning until night is an experience strangely impossible to explain.
Part of the power of gathering, I thought to myself, is the presence of questions, rather than teachings. Each person is their own guru, their own guide, their own closest companion.
They find their own troubling situations, recalling them vividly, and then hold still long enough to examine them very closely, like looking under a microscope at what they believed to be true in that situation–because of that situation.
To make it simple, we begin our time together with one situation we’ve found difficult. Only one. We don’t need to make it more complicated, as the mind can so brilliantly do.
I see the images from the past 5 days now in my own mind’s eye: mother deeply connected to her son who died last year, sister open to her brother who said “no”, wife who doesn’t feel so harsh about her husband’s habits, man less frightened of environmental destruction or war, woman excited about new possibilities with her sister and mother, woman seeing the benefits of staying with her current partner, or not.
There are no plans. There is no agenda. There is no special format for what is next.
And yet after The Work, we sense there’s something different, something changed, from doing nothing but sitting in inquiry.
I love how this happens.
We’ve allowed ourselves to sit with our most despairing, disappointing, heart-breaking moments….
….and instead of closing off to them, pushing them down or trying to “be positive”….
….we look with the four questions.
And we’ve done it all day for several days in a row with companions doing the very same thing.
Beginning with Question One:
Is it true, what I’m thinking about my mother?
Is it true, this thought about my husband?
is it true, this belief I repeat internally about my sister?
Is it true, this sadness I have about my brother?
Question Two: Can I absolutely know for sure my thought is true about them?
Question Three: How do I react when I think my stressful thought? When I remember that rough thing that happened, or those words they said, or when I picture them being themselves and it brings me such uncertainty and worry, or I anticipate the very worst happening in the future?
How do I react? I’m nervous. I’m fearful. Maybe even panicked. I’m sad. I’m desperate. I’m frantic. I’m trying to find relief. I feel hatred, anger, sadness.
I notice I’m suffering.
Then comes Question Four: WHO or WHAT would it be like if I did NOT have this thought running through my head as I remember this person I feel close to? What if I didn’t think my story was 100% true? Who would I be without this belief?
What if I paused, relaxed, and looked at that poignant memory or relationship without starting to panic, or complain?
What if everything is in order, I am not in charge, and most importantly, me not being in charge is actually the Way of It and a good thing?
LOL.
At the very end in closing yesterday, a thought flashed through my head that I played the “wrong” version of a song for everyone during a meditative exercise. The version I played was more boisterous and not as soft and contemplative.
And then the awareness….next time perhaps I will play the version I find more slow and gentle, and this time it was important to play THIS version.
Because that’s what happened.
I don’t even need to know why or how it happened the way it did. I don’t need to put any meaning on it. Or tell myself I should have remembered the “better” version or that I’m too disorganized.
Even if I have a commentary running like this, I know it’s not true. It’s a chatterbox running in the corner. It’s the mind, doing what it does: offering up ideas, analyzing, seeking improvement, taking command, staying busy (it thinks it needs to).
Last step, after the Four Questions: We turn our thoughts around and look at them again.
The way it went with that person was OK. Even perfect.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
It’s certainly more fun to wonder this.
Perhaps the drinking husband, the school drop-out, the dismissive brother, the critical sister, the judgmental mother, the beautiful son no longer in his body….
….perhaps the way it went had an unimaginable benefit.
Perhaps we shouldn’t toy with it mentally to the extent we want to toy with it. Perhaps there are very good reasons for it going the way it’s gone.
Turning it around again: Could my thinking be off? Could I be the distant one, the addicted one (to my thoughts), the one who died, the one who criticized, the one who judged?
Didn’t I do all these things to others, and to myself?
“You can’t let go of a stressful thought, because you didn’t create it in the first place. A thought just appears. You’re not doing it. You can’t let go of what you have no control over. Once you’ve questioned the thought, you don’t let go of it, it lets go of you.” ~ Byron Katie
Thank you everyone who questions their stressful thinking with me. The adventure is thrilling. The gratitude is deep.
(Last I heard there were three spots left in the Breitenbush Retreat, another opportunity for immersion in The Work June 13-17 in Oregon. If you’d like to soak in inquiry and see what happens, join us).
But even if you never go to a retreat, you can do this work today.
All it takes is sitting down, with pen and paper, a quiet segment of time….and your answers to the four questions.
Much love,
Grace
June 3rd East West Books on healing eating issues with self-inquiry 1-4 pm. Also June 10th last half-day retreat of the year Living Inquiries Group 2-6 pm (last one of the year).
Someone tell me what to eat! I can’t do it all by myself, I screw it up by myself, I freak out by myself.
But are you sure you have no capacity to find natural balance with eating?
One thing I’m very glad of when it comes to food and eating is that I never doubted that there was some natural capacity within myself to eat like a normal human being.
We’re all born that way, in fact. We want to eat when we’re hungry. We want to stop when full. We’re in tune with a flow that makes sense; filling and emptying over and over.
To diet or make a food plan or have a huge list of rules and regulations moves you away from living in the present moment….and into the mind and living in the future. Your focus becomes on what you’ll be eating later, what weight you’ll be in x months, or the craving you’ll need to control today.
Often, this attention on the future is so weighted with what you need to do, eat, or measure that it’s very difficult to remain present with physical sensations, eating, taste, fullness, hunger right here, right now.
In my old relationship with food, my practice was to ignore natural hunger, mistrust fullness, worry about hunger and/or fullness in the future, panic about either one, and be entirely suspicious of food.
When I quit trying to apply management to eating, but allow everything about eating to happen with a Don’t Know mind….
Do you remember (if you were here back then) when I used to write and send a Grace Note every single day, without missing even once?
I think that happened for about five years. (Some of you are saying to yourself, thank goodness for fewer emails–LOL).
Something then shifted.
I love how the flow of activity, reality, the pace, the attention, creativity, focus, results….somehow change.
Did I plan it?
No.
Did I decide the way it would go or should go?
No.
In fact, if left up to my mind, the directive was to keep it up. Keep writing as my meditation, my work shared with you.
NEVER STOP.
That mind will shout internally “You should ______!” or “I have to_____!” or “I’m going to start ______ !” or “I’m going to keep _____!”
There are common lists of what we ought to be doing or what we need to keep doing, even if it doesn’t always serve.
It seems they’re usually related to improvement of some kind, or an effort to become better, or grow, or make sure we don’t lose.
So internally, my voice said “you should be writing every day” but I noticed I wasn’t anymore. My thumb grippers had a little ache from carpel tunnel overworking. I wanted to dedicate more time to an actual book on dissolving compulsion especially around eating using self-inquiry (which appears to be underway, slowly but surely). My heart wanted to fall into more silence and meditation and holding still.
It can be very stressful to want to relax, and yet have a voice screaming in the mind that you should be doing something (in my case writing Grace Notes, daily).
People have “dictator” voices telling them to do all kinds of things that are supposedly good: do this, acquire that, stop x, quit y.
What I notice sometimes, too, is that when a voice like this gets too loud, it backfires. A rebellion strikes. Less is done, not more.
But let’s look at this stressful belief “I should change”.
Think about something you want to accomplish or achieve. It can be as simple as weeding the garden. Losing weight (as you probably know, I went far, far down into this one and love the study of compulsion and freedom). Upgrading something around you. Contributing. Giving. Donating. Building.
There’s something so appealing about being in action, participating, “doing”.
And yet. Ugh.
The pressure of “I should_____.”
Let’s inquire and see what happens when we question the thought “I should” that involves some kind of change.
I should be writing.
Is it true?
YES. What good is sitting alone in your room (remember the line from Cabaret)?
We need to DO.
Right?
This here isn’t good enough. I’m missing success right here. I’m missing love, sharing, clarity, peace, sustainability. All these are accessible if I write! I can’t slow down! I need to write, write, write every day, day, day.
Heh heh.
Who am I with the thought that I need to write? How do I act? What do I feel? What happens?
I stay up until midnight. I don’t take vacations. If I’m actually on a holiday, I’m writing every morning and skipping outings with other people. I’m fretting.
The actual thing that was fun becomes burdensome, and harsh, and weird.
So who am I without this thought; “I should be ______” (in my case writing)?
I am entirely free to notice what I want to actually do in any given moment. I’m free to choose. I’m not living a prison sentence.
I remember this well with food and eating. As soon as I began to limit and restrict and set up conditions for my own eating, I got jittery. I got thin, and nervous, and then freaking out by binge-eating and swinging to extremes. It all became overwhelming and chaotic and off-balance.
I was no longer myself, sitting in the center of my heart, doing then not doing. I notice we’re all awake, then asleep, and everything in between.
Who would I be without conditions on any of it?
Taking a deep, long, wonderful breath and not having any unbreakable rules. Rules unnecessary. Freedom.
I’d be present in this moment, now, without fear about what happens next or what is required for success, or what is required to hold on to.
Turning this thought around: I shouldn’t be writing. I should be NOT writing. I should be nothing. I should be thinking. I should be. Writing should be me-ing.
How could these be just as true, or truer?
Well, the carpel tunnel ache said stop. I love meditating. I love not having conditions on my own existence (right!?), I value sitting and thinking, and being. I know it’s very precious to be quiet and Not Know.
I can see how writing or creating or doing anything in this world are spontaneously born. A thought happens, an idea occurs, someone suggests or invites, an offer is presented.
We respond with a yes, no, or maybe. The next day, the response might change.
I notice I’m not the one “in charge” (it’s almost funny how not in charge I am). Many events and activities and happenings are going on right now, in this very moment.
Life.
If writing is occurring it should be expressing whatever “me” is (or not). I definitely should be nothing. One day, I will be anyhow. If I’m not writing, then I shouldn’t be (what’s the reality of it? Not writing).
There appear to be advantages for doing or being exactly as I am in any given moment. Just like sleeping sometimes happens (which looks very still) then also “doing” happens (which can look very active).
All of it interesting. That’s freedom.
“When you discover–inside yourself, behind everything you’re thinking–the marvelous don’t-know mind, you’re home free. The don’t-know mind is the mind that is totally open to anything life brings you. When you find it, you have found your way.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’re in Seattle, two events: June 3rd East WestBooks on healing eating issues with self-inquiry 1-4 pm. Also June 10th last half-day retreat of the year Living Inquiries Group 2-6 pm.
We all know the way we think is influenced by the reality we noticed happening around us, often from an early age.
Even if it’s in the long-ago past, we remember. Sometimes it’s in the file cabinet in our mind without even being super conscious of it, and locked away with a key.
What does this have to do with eating?
Well just like any behavior, many ways we’re influenced appear to start really early in our lives, as we experience the world.
We absorb what’s appearing around us, often without question.
It just becomes “this is the way it is.”
I certainly had this when it came to food and eating, and body image. Thoughts and beliefs appeared in my consciousness that I heard, observed, picked up from those around me: mom, dad, grandparents, peers.
So what did your mother, your father, or other important adults believed about food, body image or eating when you were a kid?
What was your dinner time like? What was happening at the dinner eating event? Who was talking, who was eating, who was cooking? What were people feeling?
Remember well, and notice the beliefs, the ideas, the concepts present around food and the emotional life of your experience in that moment.
Sometimes the awareness of what happened around eating in your earliest memories brings unexpected clarity.
Why do this exercise?
Because when we identify the thinking, the mindset, the characters, the feelings that were pouring out around that typical eating event….we can then inquire more deeply into what’s really true for us now.
We can actually change the foundation we’ve built some of our behaviors on, by turning the way we’re seeing around.
It’s such a huge relief.
And it’s important work. You have to know what you think in order to dissolve it, right?
Try this exercise this week. Take a look at what you came to know, or be aware of in your early life with eating.
The most important place to begin?
Mother.
You were nurtured by your mother’s body from the very start, in the simple process of becoming human.
When we identify our thoughts about beliefs about mothering, our unique experiences of mother, we can begin our self-inquiry.
Self-inquiry leads to freedom, in every way.
“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always.” ~ Byron Katie
I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I ate, I fretted, I over-exercised, I under and over-ate, I binged, I dieted, I hated my looks.
So let’s see what these suffering-inducing thoughts are.
One of the wonders of doing The Work so often with others in my life is how moving it is that people are willing to share their innermost thoughts.
And NOT the “good”, kind, gentle, mature thoughts.
The thoughts where we go in The Work are the painful, embarrassing, shameful, aggressive, completely irrational or immature thoughts running through our heads.
Thoughts like these:
they hate me
I can’t succeed
she loves someone else more than me
I made a mistake
I’m a terrible mom/friend/partner/daughter
he took my stuff
they don’t listen to me
he should do what I say
I need to know what to do
It seems we all have these kinds of thoughts.
It’s so touching when people are willing, vulnerable, ready to speak all the thoughts they feel so terrible about thinking OUT LOUD. Or to write them all down on paper.
Last night we began an 8 week adventure into Parenting, and doing The Work on our thoughts about our kids. (We’ll be doing The Work on our own parents too, during this course, as well as many kinds of common moments of angst with our children–no matter how old they are)!
As I hung up the line knowing 14 people are in this course, all who are so very deeply interested in examining their beliefs about child-raising….
….I had a familiar moment of deep, deep gratitude.
I get to hang out with people who are entirely aware that their beliefs–unless they’re questioned–drive their words, feelings, actions, behaviors, facial expressions, inner commentary.
And they know something is occasionally (or often) “off” with their thinking. Because they feel BAD.
Funny how just the very idea of NOT being alone in our stressful thinking is so….
….encouraging.
This acceptance alone is the nectar we often need to keep moving in The Work.
“She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It’s good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.” ~ Toni Morrison
Who would we be without the painful story that we’re uniquely wrong, we made a mistake, we’re unlovable, we have something missing that others don’t, or our thoughts are extra sick, mean, terrible?
We’d be gathered together, in this powerful work called self-inquiry, noticing what’s really true and what isn’t.
With a little help from some friends—other humans, who also “think”.
Which is all the more why I’m so absolutely thrilled to gather in six days for the annual Spring Retreat Seattle May 16-20 (we start Weds evening) and then again for retreat at Breitenbush from June 13-17 (with the lovely and experienced Todd Smith).
Is it time for Spring Mental Cleaning?
Come join the shared honesty, camaraderie, fascination, curiosity, clarity, awareness, truth-telling, laughter, inspiration.
Room for 1 more at the Seattle retreat in 6 days–a room at the retreat house has opened up, so if you want to, you can reserve it and stay onsite.
Room for 5 more at Breitenbush in June.
Most of all, find someone who can hear you, and do The Work with them. Trade back and forth with your facilitation. There’s nothing like having a person who can listen openly to your mind.
It gives such a deep practice of acceptance, it’s you who listens. You then become your own best friend. A friend to your own thinking.
they love me
I can succeed
I love someone else more than me
I made a correction
I’m a wonderful mom/friend/partner/daughter
he didn’t take my stuff, and it isn’t “mine”
they do listen to me
he shouldn’t do what I say
I don’t need to know what to do
What could be better than not thinking painful thoughts….are true?
“Together we can do so much.” ~ Helen Keller
Much love,
Grace
P.S. I just returned from facilitating–for the first time–a Strategic Planning Retreat for a small tech company. I really can’t wait to tell you all about it. Can you imagine Strategic Planning in business PLUS doing sincere inquiry around stressful status of the business? Wow. More soon.
Speaking of parenting, last Friday’s open telecall was very precious. It struck me deeply when one of the inquirers did The Work on her six year old child.
It seems like it’s one thing to judge our neighbor, our mother, our father, our sister or brother.
But our children?
I shouldn’t be so upset! I shouldn’t lose my temper! I should be a good role model! I created this monster so it must be my fault my kid is acting like this!
I remember long ago age 14 when I babysat frequently. I loved the family–they had two girls.
I was the oldest in a family of four siblings, used to care-taking. I pulled out the crafty things I had used with my mom, art, drawing, and playing games. It was usually super fun.
Except one night the youngest, after putting her in her crib, kept crying.
She cried. And cried. And cried.
I’d go into her dark room, pick her up out of her crib, and hold her and say “there, there”. She’d kind of stop, and then the minute I lay her down again, wail.
After what seemed like an hour, I found myself sitting outside the hallway, the bedroom door closed between me and the child, holding my ears with frustration, feeling choked up and ready to scream and cry all at once.
This must be me! I’m such a loser I can’t even stop a baby from crying! She should SHUT UP!!
Fortunately, the toddler finally DID stop, falling fast asleep.
I then went downstairs to the basement (with one ear open, always, for another cry) and turned on the television to wait until the parents came home.
I forced myself to stay awake, too nervous about falling asleep if anything happened or either of the daughters needed me or started to…..cry.
Crying is terrible, remember?
Crying is a sign of great distress. No one should ever cry in my presence. I need to help anyone who’s crying.
No. Crying. Ever. (Clenched fists).
Who might I have been at the time, without my story? Or later with a friend when he had an outburst in a movie theater? Or with my dad when he had an exceptionally rare moment of crying in my presence? Or with my husband when he cried at the performance we attended?
I would have been so much more relaxed. So much less braced for this crying thing coming at me, like it was the worst ever.
So much kinder to myself, to the crier, to the moment as it was–a moment containing human crying. The way of it.
Turning the thought around: Crying is fine (even good). Judging is OK. Being upset with a baby for crying is normal, and I can relax. There is nothing wrong with me, or with crying.
Could these be just as true, or truer?
Could crying be a natural part of reality? I notice it is.
Turning my thoughts around again about crying: My thinking is crying, my thoughts about crying are “sad”, my own crying is normal and good and natural.
Could this be just as true, or truer, about “crying”–this thing I seemed to be so against from a young age?
What I see is, my children brought me great gifts of showing me emotions and feelings, circumstances and situations I felt opposed to, against. These situations revealed attitudes I noticed were alive before my kids even came into this world.
My beliefs about what was “good” and “bad”, “spoiled” or “selfless”, “kind” or “mean”.
Who would you be, if you were looking at your children AND YOURSELF, with fresh, new, loving eyes?
Join me if you’d like to spend more time in this adventure.
Judge your children, your own parents, the other parents who are doing it wrong, and yourself (often the “worst” culprit of all).
It sounds crazy, but it’s the most exciting way into the fire of parenting transformation I’ve ever known.
It changes everything for the better. Let’s do The Work!
May 8 – June 26, Parenting Telecourse. I like to call it the parenting path to enlightenment.
Sounds lofty, but it’s true: Question your beliefs, change your experience of parenting.
There are two ways to witness your child: one is in peace, one is not. Either way, the child is doing what she does….When my mind changed, my children changed. ~ Byron Katie
