I Need That Person To Connect With Me…..Really?

Here’s the working link for Peace Talk Podcast in Itunes: Episode 143 on the Hurt of Being Left, Ignored, Rejected.

The tech part of this job isn’t always smooth.

And isn’t that the way of it: sometimes smoothness occurs effortlessly….sometimes it’s bumpy….sometimes tornado-like.

And what if we could relax, even in the midst of tech problems, or “thinking”?

The other night, a sense of sadness seemed to enter the room sometime in the wee hours. I’m often deeply asleep, and like all humans, sometimes awake in the dead of night.

As I lay there, images of someone I care about so much came to mind, who I’ve lost touch with.

A few weeks ago, during spring retreat here in Seattle, I contemplated this person I love–who I’ve heard through the grapevine is suffering immensely–and did The Work.

During retreat I always find the inquiry naturally becomes heightened as we hold silence and stay steady for several days in the questions. The power of the group support is palpable.

At least it sure is for me.

So there I was doing The Work with everyone, listening, hearing my own mind say what it’s saying, answering the questions on this person I had in mind.

And I noticed this idea come in, once again, that it would be soooooo great if this relationship was connected and back and peaceful and light-hearted. So at the end of one of the retreat days, as I wondered about a Living Turnaround (a way to live my inquiry) I sent a short text“I’m thinking about you and want you to know I send love and prayers.” Heart emoji.

It felt unattached, honest, kind. In The Work I had been doing memories rose up of how funny, smart and passionate I found this person in my life for so many years.

Yes, this is good! I expect nothing! Just a little text sharing my heart!

And then a few weeks went by.

No reply. No acknowledgment. No nothing.

Again.

So then the mind starts kicking in “Why is there never a reply or response? What’d I do? Can’t this person tell me straight to my face how I hurt them, if I did? What is going ON? Is it me or something else? Really??”

Uh oh. Heh heh. Underlying hope, wish, expectation and grasping revealed.

Rats.

Concept that has appeared: I need that person’s attention, care, consideration.

What this need looks like is a responding text, an invitation, an email, a call, some kind of communication. It doesn’t look like empty space, being ignored, not interacting. It doesn’t look like nothingness.

This kind of thought is a powerfully painful thought. I notice people have it over and over again. We think jobs, people, experiences, money, lovers, family, friends, neighbors should want to stay very close and NEVER give us the silent treatment.

At least for me, it was enough to be present and awake in the night for a little while, apparently.

Let’s do The Work.

You can consider ANY person in your life, or money (one of my favorites) or a condition you believe needs to move towards you, connect with you, share with you.

You need them to connect with you. It would be so much better.

Is it true?

Yes! Isn’t that what life is all about?! Connection, love, interaction, a dance of back-and-forth.

(Wow, I do have my opinions, don’t I).

Can you absolutely know it’s true this person, thing, experience, place needs to connect with you–or is NOT connected with you already despite the fact that you don’t see them visually in your presence?

No.

I notice I don’t see everyone or everything I love all the time. I notice and hold silence frequently, and how would I know it is not supporting me? Do I really need a “thing” like that person, or something coming towards me, or someone communicating, or something arriving…when it isn’t?

It’s sort of funny, in a way, how intense and gripping the idea is that with some kind of connection with that person or thing or condition, I’ll be better off.

Can I really, really know that’s true?

Absolutely not.

How many inquirers have I done The Work with who were upset about break-ups, divorces, endings or changes where the absence of someone produced immense personal suffering?

It’s a deeply persistent and very painful story.

How do you react when you believe you need that person’s love or attention or communication with you?

I notice when I have this thought I start to think poorly of myself, disconnect with me, think of silence as a negative thing rather than something supporting me. I don’t see the joy and safety of this moment.

When I believe the thought in the middle of the night, I have tons of pictures of that person hating me, or busy Not Caring, or them hating themselves. I have images of my future where I’m on my deathbed and we never ever resolved this “problem” and never reconnected. So sad, sad, sad.

But who would you be without this thought?

Wow, I love this question.

It suddenly reminds me there is no emergency, no complete separation. I’m alive and well, lying in bed. Thinking is happening, yes, but so is simply being. I’m safe, quiet, comfortable, here.

Without the thought, I trust the shifting process of What Is. People come, people go. People are in the same room, people have passed on. Thoughts come, thoughts go. I’m awake, then I’m asleep. All parts of this experience are OK, none of it is really “better” than any other.

Without the thought that I need someone’s love, attention, communication….

….I’m very peaceful and happy I’ve known them at all. I’m resting in bed in a dark room, hearing the beautiful silent hum of night.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need them to connect with me. I need to connect with myself (especially when I think of this person or thing). I need to connect with them.

How are these turnarounds just as true, or truer? Can I find examples?

Well, first of all, it’s the middle of the night. I actually don’t want a phone call, and I’m not on any devices to receive emails or texts. I’m very comfortable, resting, secure, breathing. All is very well indeed. Silent night, Holy night.

I’m also not disturbed by the circumstances of that person’s life–apparently I’m not required to help at the moment, or support in any way other than being here, open.

I need to connect with myself especially by NOT thinking I did something wrong, making it personal, attacking or berating myself for being someone who can’t be connected with. I need to not see myself as “needing” in this relationship, but instead to notice the brilliance of silence, feeling, and how OK I am right now.

In the midnight inquiry, I need to connect with them without demanding or assuming it’s better if they DO something and reach out. I need to connect with my images of them, and inquire. I need to notice how grateful I am for them whether they’re here or not. I feel this with my dad, who hasn’t had a body in almost 30 years.

I notice communication in a form I request (insist on–LOL) is not required.

“You get what you need, in whatever way you need it.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to join in the power of shared inquiry with others, then come to Breitenbush on June 13th (Weds evening through Sunday lunch and almost full) or the next Seattle Autumn Retreat October 17-21, 2018.

Much love,

Grace