Tag: relationships

Posted on

What does it mean to move without resistance? The joy of acting in The Work.

There was a time when I became aware, about two years into doing The Work, that sometimes the mind can hold up a belief very solidly in the background of a situation we’re investigating, and not let go.

I didn’t even know I had the belief. That’s the funny part.

I was dating in my forties.

I was also rather shocked to be dating as I had felt so married-for-life in my first marriage of 15 years.

I loved partnership and had mostly been with a partner for the majority of my life since age 16. It seemed easy and natural.

(And before that, I always had one close best friend).

So there I was, meeting men and dating.

There was one man I found incredibly funny and smart, but also quite troubled.

We’d go on a walk or have a meal and talk in depth, and all kinds of weird emotional conflict would appear.

I’d feel nervous, angry, or incredibly disgusted.

Fairly new in my experience of self-inquiry and The Work at that time, I’d write a worksheet on the moment of disruption and get all my thoughts on paper: “he shouldn’t have said that”, “I need him to be different”, “there’s something wrong with him”, “he’s too depressed”, “he’s an addict”. 

I would take them through the four questions and find turnarounds and feel amazed with what I learned about myself.

And yet…the conflict persisted.

And so did the on-and-off dating, anxiety, and anger.

When suddenly one day, while sitting quietly in The Work, I heard the voice in my head ask this powerful question:

Why are you trying so, so hard to make this relationship work….when it just plain isn’t?

Why are you trying so hard to like red when you prefer blue?

And the hidden “agenda” appeared before my eyes.

This. Relationship. Must. Work.

Dreams of a future living with this person in bliss, enjoying the support of the money he had accumulated and his good taste, feeling that old natural feeling within me of having one best friend in my life, imagining easy conversations and someone to whom you could say “hey, did you see that?”

Some part of my mind didn’t like noticing this dynamic did NOT really work.

I scared him, he scared me.

Everyone confused and upset. Uneasy.

Ideas about what “success” or “love” looks like.

Is it true it had to work?

Is it true the images I had of “it working” were real? Or was it all imagination? (Um, I would say it was imagination, LOL).

What happened when I believed that relationship MUST work and turn into the relationship I dreamed of?

Well one thing that happened, is I did The Work itself on every tiny thing I did not like, in an effort to land on peace, enforce peace, arrive at peace.

Even my dreams of “peace” were false and guessed at. I said peace didn’t look like the present moment, it looked like a vision I had in the future.

I ignored my preferences, for “peace”. I turned everything around to myself “for peace”. I went places and ate food I didn’t like and said “yes” to invitations “for peace” or “for hope”.

I turned all my stressful thoughts around and then made an effort to keep myself directed narrowly to this goal of making the relationship work: “I shouldn’t have said that”, “I need me to be different”, “there’s something wrong with me”, “I’m too depressed”, “I’m an addict–especially about him”. 

But who would I be without the belief “I’m going someplace BETTER in the future (this future relationship working the way I want and imagine)?

Who would I be without the belief “This Must Work”?

On that day I suddenly dropped below my hopes and motives to enforce happiness in the future, my attitude of “fighting” for happiness….

….and I noticed reality.

Reality didn’t look like my plan. Reality didn’t look like celebration and loving connection and beauty and two married people smiling at each other in that moment.

What was the reality?

Not that.

THIS.

And then…the questioning opened up and I became aware of a turnaround: This IS Working. 

This is it. This is where this is going.

Right now.

Not in the future somewhere, where heaven awaits.

Heaven could be right here, despite the discord in relating and the difficult thinking and the tortured emotions and apparent confusion.

The sun still shines behind the sky, the world still moves, the breath still flows in and out of this body, the life force still pulses with joy–no matter what I’m ever doing, no matter what is happening, no matter what is being “thought” in any moment.

I could be cleaning dog poop off my shoe, and this is what is, in that moment.

Not the future cleaned up shoe.

Can I notice This. Is. Working. 

The relationship may not involve future active connection (turns out it did not) but what a joy to flow with life instead of push against it.

I understood then what Byron Katie and others might be talking about when they spoke of doing The Work with a motive or agenda, how it can block the freedom and peace you have access to right in the middle of any condition, relationship or situation.

Could heaven be possible even with this?

Of course.

Who am I to say “this is not heaven”?

Good news.

It didn’t matter that I had been doing that when doing The Work with a motive of eventually getting to peace. Insight came when it came, at just the right time.

I explored, I stayed, and then I saw, and I broke up with him.

The joy of not knowing what will ever happen, the freedom from being dependent on things going a certain way in order for me to be happy….dissolving.

Who are you without the belief “this is not it”?

Turned Around: This is it. This is life, being lived. This is heaven. This is waking up.

Peace is possible now.

When this realization landed inside me, I knew to break up with this man and that I didn’t have to make myself Not Think of him.

I didn’t know my future and it was totally safe, totally OK. I felt gratitude, clarity, tears, empowerment. Life moved in its own direction.

I couldn’t have gotten there, experiencing that moment as peaceful and exciting, without The Work.

Wow.

“Eventually, through practice, you no longer impose your thinking onto reality, and you can experience everything as it really is, as pure grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve got beliefs about what is required for peace, for awakening, for love, for eliminating stuckness…you may want to come do The Work on retreat.

Winter retreat is a month away.

Read more here.

We meet for 2.5 hours in Pacific Time morning, then 2.5 hours later, with a nice 4 hour break in the middle of each day for partnering in The Work with someone else in the retreat, movement, your own time, rest.

Every session is recorded for those who will need to sleep during one or more sessions because of your time zone.

The immersion of sitting in The Work with others for six whole days and 30+ hours is, quite honestly, incredible.

And there are two of us to hold you in inquiry, both with our own joy of The Work as facilitators of this profound process.

Tuition is a sliding scale: $375-$895. You choose what works for you based on your resources.

No traveling–it’s all online. You’re in your own space and something supportive about doing it right where you are.

We’ve done online retreat before and it’s worked brilliantly.

We hope you’ll join us and bring the action and aliveness of loving what is into your present moment, without the burden of hoping endlessly for something else.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Not long after that time of realization about relationship and trusting reality on the topic of love, I met a wonderful man who happened to become a husband and live-in partner. Apparently life would have it this way, until it isn’t.

 

Posted on

Have you had the thought “they hate me!”?

I am loving the fabulous collective of people starting today the journey of the next six weeks doing The Work together on stressful thinking during Summer Camp For The Mind Immersion.

People have shared with me they are working on a relationship ending, racism, compulsive eating, lack of work, worry about the future, feeling rejected.

Oooh, rejection.

Have you ever thought “they hate me!”?

They hate me, this is dangerous, I’m afraid, I need to get away from them, I don’t understand them, they are accusing me, they should accept me instead of reject me.

An inquirer shared she had this thought about far more than only one person in her life.

It seemed to be a theme, a top hit.

I’ve had this thought that someone hates me when they go silent (perhaps especially when they do).

Often in my family of origin, instead of screaming, there was ghosting and cut-off. It seemed the better choice of the two (so much shame in screaming and “losing it”).

But what if no matter how people are reacting, even if they say “I HATE YOU!”….

….we could still question that story?

For the next Peace Talk Podcast Episode, that’s exactly what this inquirer questioned: the belief she was hated in a very specific moment when she received a look of hatred.

Maybe the one looking did not approve, and DID hate….and we can still totally question what we believe that apparent hatred means for us, for them, for the world.

Watch on youtube here, or listen on apple podcasts below.

Apple Podcasts: click HERE.
Or listen on the podcast website HERE.
If you know you could use a little tune up (or a big one) over the next six weeks ahead….and maybe find some creativity and lightness with The Work….then join the great group for summer camp (click the photo).
It’s kinda last minute, but you’re welcome anyway.
Come on board the peace train.

Much love,

Grace

 

Posted on

Stuck in a lie in a relationship? (+ relationship class starts Sunday)

This weekend on Sunday, we begin the 8 session live zoom course Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?

The pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you can be so strong.

Sometimes, even though they aren’t “divorcing” people sign up for this course to look at fears, future anticipation of a changed relationship, upset about change and transition in primary relationship.

In fact, there’s always a minimum of one or two people who are still in a committed partnership, with no talk of divorce even happening….but there’s trouble.

I notice a tendency in my own mind to believe there are three options with just about anything I’m opposing in my life, relationships or otherwise.

I see the situation. I don’t like it.

Mind quickly moves to one of three options:

Choice A) Get away from it. Run. Disappear into the woodwork. Back out of the room slowly. “Ghost” the person or situation (vanish without a trace). AWOL. No show. MIA.

Choice B) Attack the situation or person, whether in your head or right out loud. Aggression. Fighting energy. Feeling furious. Give them a piece of your mind. Rage. Say bitter, upsetting things. Threaten whomever it is you’re opposed to. This can happen internally, without them even being in your environment.

Choice C) Collapse. Feel hopeless, depressed. Rake yourself through the coals. Feel bad about you. Lonely, piteous, sad. List the reasons you’re a piece of sh&* and you screwed this up. Give up. Feel stuck.

Sometimes they call it Flight, Fight or Freeze.

But any one of these has to do with arguing with the present situation.

Relationship, or otherwise.

This course called Divorce/Breaking-Up/Separation Is Hell is really about our own minds and how we divorce ourselves, break-up with ourselves, separate from ourselves.

This is certainly what I did when I got divorced fifteen years ago. I felt panicked, enraged, betrayed, abandoned and lonely.

I felt like my first husband leaving meant I was worthy of being left….and the inner dialogue was horrible.

(Thank God Almighty for The Work–that’s what my grandma would say. Thank Reality Almighty, Thank Peace Almighty, Thank Silence Almighty….use whatever word you like most).

Now, I’m very happily remarried to an adorable and loving man (who’s also great at The Work and self-inquiry) and I still have this range of thoughts on a very subtle level sometimes.

Like, for example.

This morning.

We received a call saying “we need to come into your house to upgrade an electrical panel by adding 100 amp something-or-other. We’ll be there at 7:30am.”

No problem. (We have a building project underway in our back yard).

The electrical panel is in my husband’s office.

He lightly suggests to me “maybe we should move the couch so they can quickly and smoothly get to the panel”.

Good idea!

Then I enter the office.

Boxes, files, piles of books and CDs, clothes and towels on the aforementioned couch. Papers, envelopes, more boxes, storage tubs, folders, boxes for his classroom, a full can of garbage.

My instant reaction to the sight: AGAINST WHAT IS!!!

There were some words, and my little snappish commands, and a quick clean-up session.

But here’s why I’m mentioning it. In the past, because of seeing clutter, my mind has actually gone to the thought in zero to sixty seconds…..“I can’t live with this!”

Pan to me sitting in a tiny cabin near a beach all alone, with zen type clutter-free counters and almost no stuff except laptop and a bookshelf of books. Pure minimalism. Husband or any other human is nowhere n sight. Ahhhhhhhhh.

LOL.

The mind shows pictures of how great it will be in the future if you make a change.

OR….how HORRIBLE.

Either one is fantasy.

What’s amazing is watching the mind do this, jump to one of the three “survivor” choices, without question.

When I do The Work, I get to see differently, and find new creative ways to work with what is. I get to communicate with the partner (if it’s a partner) or share and speak if its someone else.

With self-inquiry, we get to see what other options are possible besides believing “this relationship is a threat, it’s no good, I have to get away”.

It never means you don’t leave a situation or relationship that doesn’t work, or say goodbye and move on (that can be incredibly exciting).

But it’s nice to feel solid instead of pining for the past, or anticipating a disastrous future.

In our course, we get to do exercises with situations that repeat themselves, our fears, sadness, loss. All the exercises can apply really to any relationship where conflict arises.

AND, it’s incredibly sweet and bonding to be with all folks who are facing primary relationship troubles: should I stay or should I go? What brings up my anger? What am I afraid of here? How do I work with these patterns that feel so hard?

We’ve got room for a few more. We meet this Sunday, then no class on January 19th (I’m teaching Eating Peace Retreat next weekend) then seven more sessions on Sundays until March 8th. All are recorded so you can come and go as you need to if you can’t attend them all.

Join me and Nadine right here.

Today, I share a wonderful second interview with a certified facilitator Helena Montelius who experienced a profound piece of news from a former lover….and her story and inner work around this is amazing.

She learned from her former boyfriend that he had AIDS, and now, she did as well. She knew she was sick, and her practitioners had never tested for AIDS as they didn’t think of it–it hadn’t crossed their minds as an option.

Hear about her own “separation hell” to separation heaven in her own heart and mind. It’s incredibly inspiring on so may levels.

Much love,

Grace

 

Posted on

Thinking about the end of a relationship? You might want to question that.

Thinking of the end? Join us in DIH: IIT? (That’s short code for Divorce Is Hell: Is It True?) Starting January 12th for 8 weeks. Sundays 11:00am PT.

Sometimes, the companions we meet along our journey in life are…..difficult.

To put it mildly.

Like, for example, the people we marry or move in with or spend lots and lots of time with in romantic formats or possibilities of romance.

Those same people leave us, anger us, hurt us, smite us, replace us, and grow us in ways perhaps we never imagined or dreamed.

It didn’t go the way we wanted it to go.

Perhaps it’s not going the way we wanted it to go right now.

It’s tough when a relationship goes south, or doesn’t seem to be the dreamy wonderful vision it was at first.

The other day, a close friend of mine asked to listen to the memorial service recording of my first husband Tom, from July 2018.

My friend asked about fast-forwarding the recording to where I come to the front and speak.

Fortunately, because another different friend had asked for the very same speech several months ago, I had the exact segment saved from the service where I spoke, quivering voice and all.

I found it again on my computer and sent it.

I couldn’t listen to it myself. Too emotional. Too hard to bring back the memories.

I didn’t want to hear my voice breaking constantly during the short space of time I was on “stage” sharing to an audience of hundreds.

My friend wrote back.

“I am so moved by this profound tribute. I love how your heart remained forever open to Tom. You are MY teacher. I am blessed to have such a good seat in this play. Thank you for your brilliance, consideration and poetry”.

I suddenly had the thought to share this very personal speech with you that feels sacred and somewhat private.

Why?

Because this speech exists because of The Work of Byron Katie. 

This story could have gone very differently. In which case there would have been no speech at all. Perhaps just mourning and jaded despair.

In my relationship to the man who played the role of first husband, I might have remained myself in the role of victim. I might have been bitter. I might have been terrified. I might have been glum or depressed, or feeling like a failure or someone worthy of rejection and abandonment.

I might have remained angry and resentful.

But I learned, just before things went a little haywire in our relationship, how to identify and question my beliefs.

I still have mini fits and tell stories that sound sad, but I know they aren’t true. 

Yes, we got divorced. Yes, I felt abandoned. Yes, I thought I’d never love again. Yes, I thought I wouldn’t make it and was shattered into a million pieces.

None of that turned out to be true. And thankfully, I could SEE it wasn’t true because of questioning my beliefs, questioning what I was telling myself, questioning the thoughts connected to the emotions I felt.

I had the four questions.

Instead, I think of that relationship as one of the most profoundly important and life-transforming of my entire life.

You’ll hear why when you listen.

Click here:

If you are suffering because of a primary relationship going off the rails, or love not measuring up to what you anticipated or expected….

….if you are still “in” the relationship but contemplating a break in the structure and you have fears about what you’re imagining….

….join Nadine and I in our upcoming course starting Sundays January 12th (no meeting Jan. 19th). We meet online on zoom from 11:00am-12:30pm Pacific Time/ 7:00-8:30pm UK.

The only requirement for joining is wanting to end your suffering in relationship; whether in the distant past, in the present, or in the imagined future.

Join us if it’s right for you.

And guess what? Kind of funny (and we get it): We’ve been asked a handful of times for a registration link that doesn’t mention the title so certain partners won’t be hurt or confused if they see it on a credit card statement.

If you want to sign up for this course without having the words “divorce” or “break up” or “separation” or “hell” (LOL) anywhere in print then please feel free to use this simplified link to enroll right here.

This work is about addressing the fearful thinking and finding the peace within you that’s available right now, no matter what the status or condition of your relationship.

It’s about finding freedom and clarity, so you can be honest and real and share yourself lovingly with the other, with every “other”, and notice how peaceful and safe it can be whether you’re committed, married, single, divorced, separated, confused or complicated.

Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?: 8 session online zoom course dissolving the pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you. Join Nadine Ferris-France and Grace Bell right here. Sundays at 11:00am PT/ 7:00pm UK. We start January 12th (no class Jan. 19th).

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Without a future, it’s a YES or NO right now, not a MAYBE.

This week:
  • Facebook Live 4 pm Tuesday–it’s a regular thing! Write me by replying to this email if you have a concept you’d really love me to take through inquiry on the show
  • Year of Inquiry Information Sessions. We have THREE this week (all Pacific Time). You’ll need a device where you can view slides for these webinars.
************************
Year of Inquiry brings you to The Work for an entire year with a small group. Let’s question our thinking, and change our world.

Well, it happened.

The thing I prefer not to ever happen. Someone got very upset with me.

I said “no” to a friend (also an old flame) about getting together. I said I just couldn’t go through with it, something felt off about connecting live and in person.

He got very upset and sent me a note.

“You’re a flake, you play games, I liked you long ago and you’re punishing me for it–you can’t let go of the past. You’re completely unreliable. I have no interest in this anymore. Self-inquiry is so boring. You’re absurd.”

Everything in the note, I noticed, had truth in it.

The sadness and recognition of shame, along with sorrow, along with humiliation and seeing how I had hurt someone came crashing in like Niagara Falls.

Plus here’s the kicker: I’m the one who had said “yes” about getting together for a meal in the first place, then I cancelled and offered a new date for a reschedule (several times).

This whole maybe-get-together thing’s been going on for a few years. Yes, that long.

I kept noticing I’d imagine a meeting, think it would be fun and pleasant and perhaps a way to renew or start the friendship over (there are quite a few things I liked about this guy)….

….I’d feel ambiguous, or hesitant, then override the hesitancy, then override the hesitancy to override….

….then when the time would come to make more of a clear meeting date and time, I’d feel very anxious and make excuses that now wasn’t good, but maybe later.

I’d hear a huge “no” inside and say things to myself like “you shouldn’t be afraid, it’s OK” or “what’s the problem, is there something wrong with you?” or “This is only lunch! It might be interesting!”

So I’m sooooooo not surprised with this waffling and mixed messages and ambiguity and fake yeses and dragging on….

….that this man was as confused as I was.

I realize now how much not saying “no” in the present moment when we mean it can hurt others.

Or really, can hurt ourselves.

What was I so afraid of, when it came to saying No?

The reaction I just got.

It was probably worse, however, because I didn’t say it several years ago.

So in this inquiry today, I wanted to find out more about why I’ve refused to be clear about this relationship, and look more closely when I’ve thought “he’s so needy” or “he’ll be hurt if I say no” or “I’ll lose something if I say no”.

I’ve inquired in the past and found clarity around his neediness. My neediness. My judgment of neediness. I’ve inquired about his being hurt. My being hurt. A beautiful connection we genuinely share.

But I had not inquired fully about my own inner ambiguous feeling of sadness when I thought about saying no, saying goodbye, and what I’d lose. 

This can be a very helpful exercise when you feel frightened about saying goodbye to someone, even as you see their beauty, the qualities you love, the happy times you’ve experience with that person that you refuse to admit have ended.

We believe ‘to part ways is terrible’. Friends, lovers, family.

What will you lose, if you part, say no, change it up, when it comes to a relationship?

I’ll lose: humor, laughter, wit, someone sharing creativity and spiritual contemplation, the fun banter and conversation, love. I’ll lose the respect of my current partner. I’ll lose security. I’ll lose a fantasy, a dream. I’ll lose someone who takes care of me either financially or emotionally. I’ll lose attention, kindness, generosity, adventure.

See what it is you believe you’ll have to go without, if you say “no”.

You’ll have to go without it…..is that true?

In my situation, I choose to take a look at the shared laughter and wit. I’ll lose that. I’ll lose his appreciation.

Let’s do The Work.

Is that true that I’ll lose that quality of entertaining and funny dialogue in my life?

No. I have one other close friend who has the same mega-appreciation for laughter-in-all-things and the beauty of entertainment and theater. She’s amazing. We don’t see each other often, but when we do, it’s fabulous. I laugh and laugh, and can talk about anything.

I could bring this more into my life, come to think of it–whether in the company of this lovely friend, or with other people I know.

If you’re following along with this inquiry, and you’ve identified something else you think you’d lose–like security–can you absolutely know it’s true you need it the way it is? Can you absolutely know you’d miss it, if this one person was no longer in your life as much, or they were upset with you for saying “no”?

No.

How do you react when you think by saying “no” you’ll lose something very valuable?

I don’t say it. I’m afraid.

I grab. I hold on tight. I have pictures of what it would look like to lose this quality, this person. I don’t look for it elsewhere. I see my own company as inadequate–not as good alone as I am in the company of the other.

Who would you be without the belief you’ll lose something when you leave, say no, part ways?

Ahhhhhhh.

I’d sigh with the deep, deep relief of being without the thought of imagining loss.

I’d notice people coming and going, doing what they need to do–including me.

Turning the thought around: I will NOT lose anything if this person is less in my life, or I say “no” to them, or I don’t meet them for lunch. I will GAIN something if I say no. Or, I will neither lose, nor gain, anything I don’t already have.

I will lose my own humor, attention, security, joy, laughter when I say “no”. Isn’t this how I’ve been acting? Like all that fun is over there, in that individual, rather than right here with me?

I suddenly remember I’ve had this belief that I’ll lose out if I say no….about money, work, my kids, my husband(s), my family members.

There’s no freedom in worrying about how someone will respond, or dragging on the “yes, maybe” when the answer at the moment is “no”.

There’s no freedom in worrying about how I myself will respond, if I follow the honest “no”.

It’s sweet in this moment to notice that I’m the one who has been anxious about my own “no”. So I haven’t said it. I’ve also been anxious about my own “yes”. So I haven’t said that, either.

What if yes or no are all OK and there’s no possible way to know what will happen next?

“You are the beloved, you’re the closest one to you. You’re the one you want, the one you need, always there for you. Someone comes into your life, or they don’t.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

I Need That Person To Connect With Me…..Really?

Here’s the working link for Peace Talk Podcast in Itunes: Episode 143 on the Hurt of Being Left, Ignored, Rejected.

The tech part of this job isn’t always smooth.

And isn’t that the way of it: sometimes smoothness occurs effortlessly….sometimes it’s bumpy….sometimes tornado-like.

And what if we could relax, even in the midst of tech problems, or “thinking”?

The other night, a sense of sadness seemed to enter the room sometime in the wee hours. I’m often deeply asleep, and like all humans, sometimes awake in the dead of night.

As I lay there, images of someone I care about so much came to mind, who I’ve lost touch with.

A few weeks ago, during spring retreat here in Seattle, I contemplated this person I love–who I’ve heard through the grapevine is suffering immensely–and did The Work.

During retreat I always find the inquiry naturally becomes heightened as we hold silence and stay steady for several days in the questions. The power of the group support is palpable.

At least it sure is for me.

So there I was doing The Work with everyone, listening, hearing my own mind say what it’s saying, answering the questions on this person I had in mind.

And I noticed this idea come in, once again, that it would be soooooo great if this relationship was connected and back and peaceful and light-hearted. So at the end of one of the retreat days, as I wondered about a Living Turnaround (a way to live my inquiry) I sent a short text“I’m thinking about you and want you to know I send love and prayers.” Heart emoji.

It felt unattached, honest, kind. In The Work I had been doing memories rose up of how funny, smart and passionate I found this person in my life for so many years.

Yes, this is good! I expect nothing! Just a little text sharing my heart!

And then a few weeks went by.

No reply. No acknowledgment. No nothing.

Again.

So then the mind starts kicking in “Why is there never a reply or response? What’d I do? Can’t this person tell me straight to my face how I hurt them, if I did? What is going ON? Is it me or something else? Really??”

Uh oh. Heh heh. Underlying hope, wish, expectation and grasping revealed.

Rats.

Concept that has appeared: I need that person’s attention, care, consideration.

What this need looks like is a responding text, an invitation, an email, a call, some kind of communication. It doesn’t look like empty space, being ignored, not interacting. It doesn’t look like nothingness.

This kind of thought is a powerfully painful thought. I notice people have it over and over again. We think jobs, people, experiences, money, lovers, family, friends, neighbors should want to stay very close and NEVER give us the silent treatment.

At least for me, it was enough to be present and awake in the night for a little while, apparently.

Let’s do The Work.

You can consider ANY person in your life, or money (one of my favorites) or a condition you believe needs to move towards you, connect with you, share with you.

You need them to connect with you. It would be so much better.

Is it true?

Yes! Isn’t that what life is all about?! Connection, love, interaction, a dance of back-and-forth.

(Wow, I do have my opinions, don’t I).

Can you absolutely know it’s true this person, thing, experience, place needs to connect with you–or is NOT connected with you already despite the fact that you don’t see them visually in your presence?

No.

I notice I don’t see everyone or everything I love all the time. I notice and hold silence frequently, and how would I know it is not supporting me? Do I really need a “thing” like that person, or something coming towards me, or someone communicating, or something arriving…when it isn’t?

It’s sort of funny, in a way, how intense and gripping the idea is that with some kind of connection with that person or thing or condition, I’ll be better off.

Can I really, really know that’s true?

Absolutely not.

How many inquirers have I done The Work with who were upset about break-ups, divorces, endings or changes where the absence of someone produced immense personal suffering?

It’s a deeply persistent and very painful story.

How do you react when you believe you need that person’s love or attention or communication with you?

I notice when I have this thought I start to think poorly of myself, disconnect with me, think of silence as a negative thing rather than something supporting me. I don’t see the joy and safety of this moment.

When I believe the thought in the middle of the night, I have tons of pictures of that person hating me, or busy Not Caring, or them hating themselves. I have images of my future where I’m on my deathbed and we never ever resolved this “problem” and never reconnected. So sad, sad, sad.

But who would you be without this thought?

Wow, I love this question.

It suddenly reminds me there is no emergency, no complete separation. I’m alive and well, lying in bed. Thinking is happening, yes, but so is simply being. I’m safe, quiet, comfortable, here.

Without the thought, I trust the shifting process of What Is. People come, people go. People are in the same room, people have passed on. Thoughts come, thoughts go. I’m awake, then I’m asleep. All parts of this experience are OK, none of it is really “better” than any other.

Without the thought that I need someone’s love, attention, communication….

….I’m very peaceful and happy I’ve known them at all. I’m resting in bed in a dark room, hearing the beautiful silent hum of night.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need them to connect with me. I need to connect with myself (especially when I think of this person or thing). I need to connect with them.

How are these turnarounds just as true, or truer? Can I find examples?

Well, first of all, it’s the middle of the night. I actually don’t want a phone call, and I’m not on any devices to receive emails or texts. I’m very comfortable, resting, secure, breathing. All is very well indeed. Silent night, Holy night.

I’m also not disturbed by the circumstances of that person’s life–apparently I’m not required to help at the moment, or support in any way other than being here, open.

I need to connect with myself especially by NOT thinking I did something wrong, making it personal, attacking or berating myself for being someone who can’t be connected with. I need to not see myself as “needing” in this relationship, but instead to notice the brilliance of silence, feeling, and how OK I am right now.

In the midnight inquiry, I need to connect with them without demanding or assuming it’s better if they DO something and reach out. I need to connect with my images of them, and inquire. I need to notice how grateful I am for them whether they’re here or not. I feel this with my dad, who hasn’t had a body in almost 30 years.

I notice communication in a form I request (insist on–LOL) is not required.

“You get what you need, in whatever way you need it.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to join in the power of shared inquiry with others, then come to Breitenbush on June 13th (Weds evening through Sunday lunch and almost full) or the next Seattle Autumn Retreat October 17-21, 2018.

Beautiful spring inquirers in Seattle, finding freedom and rest in inquiry. For more information about Autumn Retreat in Seattle Oct 17-21, 2018, click this photo.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

I’m so ugly by comparison. A good lie to take through inquiry.

I’d love to get to know you better by reading your honest responses (anonymous) to a few powerful survey questions about your fears and dreams. Please share with me here so I may of the highest service and understanding. In deep gratitude: Answer Questions Here.

Let’s do The Work again on Facebook Live today Friday 3/16 at NOON Pacific Time. I love those who send me a question beforehand, and today, our topic and stressful belief will be one that feel basic, harsh, but very persistent within the human experience:
I’m ugly. 
Have you ever had this thought?
Oh so painful.
And on top of having the thought itself hurt, we also think “I shouldn’t be so hard on myself” or “I shouldn’t care about what I look like” or “I shouldn’t even have this thought in the first place!”
(What’s wrong with me!?)
How you get to a facebook live video, in case you don’t know, is you simply go to the usual Facebook page, and scroll down inside the posts section. I’ll be there on video at NOON Pacific time/3 pm Eastern time/9 pm Europe.
If you miss the live moment, you’ll see the recorded video later right there on the same Work With Grace facebook page.
Mistakes, goof-ups (inevitable) and surprises all etched in time on recording. That’s the fun (or horror) of facebook LIVE: it’s LIVE. No script, no edits, no cuts.
Who would we be without our stories of ugliness, needing to fix ourselves, or even fix our thinking (or change the video–LOL)?
Who would we be without the story of comparison, and measuring ourselves up against the other people we encounter in the world?
And as a special bow to Ireland and the Celtic traditions (part of my ancestry) I recently was touched by the beautiful way I heard John O’Donohue and Thomas Merton, two Christian mystics, offer their wisdom to this process of comparing ourselves and coming up short (or better than)….
….enjoy this week’s Peace Talk right here.
Much love,
Grace
Posted on

Put yourself back into reality when it comes to you and money (or any disturbing relationship)

Let’s talk about shame, guilt and unhappiness on facebook live today (Tues Feb 20) at 11:00 am Pacific Time. The way you can find the video, even if you don’t join live at 11 am PT, is to head to my facebook page here.

Why am I on about this topic?

Because in the money course underway right now an entire handful of participants wrote to me or shared with me that they feel guilty, ashamed or upset about the way they were with money at some point in their lives.

At least four of the comments I received from participants in the money class were about events they felt embarrassed or troubled about that happened in the past two weeks. 

Not the distant past (although those can bring on shame as well). But yesterday.

I can relate.

I have a few items that might be considered shame-worthy crossing my mind recently, too:
  • I just opened an envelope containing this piece of paper above. I have the money to pay this bill and have no idea what happened, I don’t remember ever receiving it. What do they think of me? Embarrassing.
  • I have three different events I want to attend including a memorial service, all of which require plane travel next summer. I feel bad about the cost and not sure what to do yet. I’m greedy if I do them all.
  • My husband paid for two nights at Cannon Beach, Oregon over the past two days and it’s very high for his salary as a preschool teacher–it was a gift but I keep feeling torn that I should contribute, but I also don’t want to. I’m so selfish.
  • I should put every extra penny into the plans and building of this second small cottage in our backyard which will be the final home for my mother. I have the secret thought she’s going to live until she’s 100 and I will never recuperate the cost or pay off the mortgage, and I should absolutely pay off the mortgage.
  • I need to leave my kids money, so I should just focus on work. I was too irresponsible and screwed up in my past life. I need to pay now.

I could probably find more.

 

And by the way, in the past one of the worst things I did with money is I shop-lifted when I was at college for no good reason, it seemed. I had the money. I resented having to count every penny and be so frugal and work as a waitress. So one day, I stole laundry detergent and toothpaste and other basics, and put the $20 back in my pocket for “fun”.

What I love about The Work, is if something feels and appears really, really true….and is really, really stressful…

….I can question it.

It’s that simple.

These stories and pictures flash through my head, and I can believe them, or question them.

I notice I like it much better when I question them. I love that I have that option in this lifetime. It’s an incredible option, and truly life-changing.

So let’s do The Work.

I thought the wrong way, did the wrong thing, acted selfishly with money….is that true?

Yes.

I should be completely free and “get” there’s no need to worry about money. I should pay attention and not be a flake with bills. I should be more clear, and generous, and relaxed. I shouldn’t complain. Jeez.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No. What’s the reality of it? I’m not always at ease when it comes to money. I make mistakes. I want to sneak spend on travel or education, when I think I should be saving. Sometimes I don’t want to share. I compare with others who did it “right” over many years and saved for retirement, which I did not.

No, I can’t know it’s absolutely true any of it should be different. It happened.

How do you react when you believe you screwed up, or you better be careful and watch out, or you shouldn’t spend or have a mortgage (which means “death” in French) or a Past Due notice?

I feel bad, bad, bad. Embarrassed. I imagine the way I would look if I was carefree and light and breezy and I think I should act like that.

I feel deeply apologetic.

So who would you be without this dreadfully stressful story of money and how bad I’ve been with it?

Wait.

You mean, NO THOUGHT of having been bad with money?

But that’s impossible. I have proof. (See above list, and that doesn’t include volumes of other examples I can surely find if I consider my entire life with money).

This is just a question, though. It’s wondering what it would feel like without believing in the absolute truth of this painful story?

This isn’t an invitation to enter the land of denial. It’s noticing who we’d be without the story entitled I Am Bad With Money, by Grace Bell. 

What if you were doing the best you could in every moment involving money? Would we do any less than the best we knew how, given the fear or trauma or confusion we’ve had about right, wrong, true, false, wounding, healing, enough, not enough?

Ahhhhhhh.

Without the story of money and me and all the angst of the past and the projection into the future….

….I’d relax. I’d be very present in this moment here, now.

I might even chuckle about the Past Due notice and how I received it a few hours after facilitating the money class today.

How nutty is that?

I’d notice I’m human. I’d notice how strange, and inexplicable and joyful and funny it is to be human.

I’d notice how comfortable I am, typing away here, drinking tea, looking at a whole bouquet of small orange roses from Valentine’s day still sitting in a vase of water on the table near me.

Turning the thoughts around:

I thought the right way, did the right thing, thought selfishly about my own mind (especially when it came to money). 

How could this be just as true? Well, when I believed money was required for happiness, fun and comfort, and that I couldn’t get enough of it or could lose what I already had….then my thinking matched this story of danger, worry and loss.

I did exactly the right thing that anyone would do who believed what I did about money. I sought protection, safety, rest. I was confused.

I should NOT be completely free with no need to worry about money. I should be a flake with bills. I should NOT be clear, and generous, and relaxed. I should complain. Jeez.

I could say so much about this turnaround. How terror, instead of pretending not to care about money, brought me to the deepest clarity I ever could have imagined. I finally asked for help. I questioned the worst case scenarios in my head. I got really open about my complaints. I stepped forward like I never knew I could to meet money. I started this powerful work in my life, with true sincerity.

Nothing made me do The Work like my relationship with money. Well, death, sickness and betrayal are up there near the very top, but the fear of not having enough money was stunning.

It showed me where I doubted the universe had my back, where I thought I was inadequate or undeserving, where I thought I needed to hold on for dear life or else I would suffer even MORE later on.

Who would you be without your story?

If money has given you it’s greatest support, being the way it is, what’s been great about the way it’s come and gone? What is it inviting forward in you?

What’s the BEST thing that could happen now, if everything that’s happened so far has been important to experience, for your own awakening?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I made a new Peace Talk 135 the other day, and it’s right here on itunes.

P.P.S. you can substitute anything or anyone you feel a troubling relationship with into this inquiry: mother, father, sister, brother, partner, boss, co-worker.

Posted on

Have you ever stopped to see if you believe your depressing thoughts?

Live on facebook was sweet on Feb 14th. I received many wonderful terrible thoughts about relationships to question (thank you all who sent them).

The chosen Valentine’s Day thought? What I have, should be different. Different relationship. Coupled, not single. Other person, not the one I have. Different relationship status.

Different is better. THIS isn’t good.

To see how the inquiry turned out, head over to the facebook page right here.

And for those of you patiently waiting for the website to work again, it now does (don’t use www): https://workwithgrace.com.

Finally, I did it. Peace Talk Podcast has been revived after a quiet spell.

The first topic of inquiry after this time of silence?

Gaps in communication, death, dying, endings. Except, sometimes, revivals.

You just never know how something’s going to unfold. You never do really know, do you?

Who would we be without the story that it’s better to know what’s going to happen? Or even that we can? Or that we need to make a plan, and follow it?

Not that there’s anything wrong with plans and schedules. Let’s not get crazy….knowing what time it is and agreeing to some basics makes life simple.

The bus leaves at 7:05, so get there at 6:55. You still may not leave, there still may be no bus, but oh so sweet if everything comes together and there is one. It’s fun, rather wondrous, people sharing needs and services, efficient.

Who would be be without our stories that it has to go the way we want, in order to be happy?

In a big ongoing adventure! And most importantly, feeling super curious, and having fun. Maybe having more fun than if it went the way you planned.

You can listen to the new episode 135 of Peace Talk on itunes right here. Look for the latest new episode also on google play, soundcloud, I Heart Radio and several other audio services.

Thanks for listening, for being here with me in The Work in all these ways, for coming along for this ride of questioning thoughts and unraveling the unnecessary pain.

“Do you believe what you think? Often, within pain or depression, there are thoughts you’ve had for so long and held so close that you don’t even know they are there. And you’ve never stopped to see if you even believe them.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

All It Takes To Be Happy

Next in-person event: spring retreat May 16-20 in northeast Seattle at a lovely ornate old house with a hot tub and lush, gorgeous grounds. We walk, we meditate, we hear wisdom poetry, we do a whole lot of The Work and the time together is life-changingly precious.

For information please visit here. Room for a few folks to stay at the retreat house, please email and ask grace@workwithgrace.com.

ALSO facebook live on LOVE for Valentine’s Day. 8:00 am Pacific Time February 14th. What are your stressful love thoughts? Reply back to this email to let me know. We’ll do The Work on Wednesday right here.

The other day, I heard myself talking with a dear friend who also does The Work a lot and has attended the School for The Work.

She had heard I was teaching a money course right now, after a month on money in Year of Inquiry that came first, so practically 3 months altogether of facilitating, noticing, walking with our groups through inquiry on money.

It means I’m doing The Work on money myself. I’m remembering, catching different thoughts, sharing different memories and situations. I adore hearing everyone’s stories, or sticking points, or questions, or confusion.

When the inquirers share out loud, whether in the money course or in Year of Inquiry….

….they’re communication naturally inspires others. People don’t feel so alone.

And we sure can feel alone when it comes to money.

Remember the friend I just mentioned I was speaking with? I heard myself say to her “I’ll never retire, I’ll be working until the end of my days trying to pay off my mortgage and make sure I leave something to my children, after screwing around not earning for most of my life until ten years ago.”

It was like all of the sudden my words and tone were full of self-pity and victimish sinking down into the floor.

Ugh.

It went there so fast. Ba-Bam. Hear a story, pick it up and apply it to me immediately. Feel defeated.

It was from the power of comparison. ALL OF IT. 

I heard she got a huge raise, she was about to make her final mortgage payment so her house loan was all 100% paid back, and SHE was retiring in two years.

What?

She’s so lucky. I’ll never do that. I should have started earlier and cared about money more. I’m a loser. She’s a winner. Plus, her house is triple the size of mine.

LOL. Sigh.

Is it true?

Yes. Did you hear what she said? Only 3 more mortgage payments and she’s DONE WITH HER LOAN FOREVER.

Can you absolutely know it’s true she’s lucky, and this good fortune is because her house will be paid off soon?

Haha. No.

It’s kind of embarrassing.

I suddenly see my luck to even have a loan and a house and an amazing life working from home doing The Work and sharing with people in the first place. Money flows here and there and everywhere without judgment.

The mind thinks, the mind compares…and I can never know it’s true, honestly. Before this friend told me her details, I was happy. So some words and images entering my head brought the future into my imagination, and my heart sank.

What a wild, magnificent, chaotic, strange thing…believing a thought is.

And it’s not even true.

How do I react when I believe she’s got it made, she’s good with money, I am not?

Scared. Depressed. Lots of pictures of being old and unable to work. Angry at other people who didn’t show me a better way (those parents, partners, meanie friends).

How do I treat money when I believe it’s piling up somewhere else in greater amounts than over here with me?

Gulp.

I’m jilted by it. It doesn’t like me. I’m angry, resentful. Money, you mean nasty conniving friend! You two-faced volatile one! You’re not even nice to me! Stupid money!

(I think I’m about six years old in how I react–or maybe like a jealous pre-teen who wants to date the guy SHE is dating, and is MAD about him not choosing ME).

But who would I be without this heavy, stressful, agonizing story? Without the belief she is lucky with money, she is better off, I’m not liked as much by money, I must have done something wrong?

Who would I be without the belief that money likes her better, like I’m not as likable, not as loved, not claimed, not so wanted?

Ooooh, this is exciting to wonder about!

Without the belief that more money means I’m better off, or safer, or claimed, or honored or favored or loved?

Wow.

Who would I be without that belief?

Noticing the amazing, astonishing abundance around me.

Kitchen lights, colors, red carpet with gold flowers, brown leather purse, laptop, wall calendar, bookshelf, silver ring with sea blue stone, fridge, lamp, silence, wallet with cash inside, four coats in my closet and one draped over the couch, beautiful sound of friend’s voice telling of her joy and hand-clapping, noticing the celebration of life whether money is around or not around, cowboy boot string lights through the living room window.

Without my story, I’m so open to my friend’s phone conversation. I’m excited with her. I hear a person who feels loved and relieved and happy. She’s showing me what it’s like to feel this wonderful way. I’m in the presence of joy.

Turning the thought around:

“I’ll always retire, I’ll be playing until the end of my days paying off my mortgage and adore giving so much to my children. I played just the perfect amount and DID earn most of my life before ten years ago (jeez, that’s true).”

How could the story I have lived with money support me with perfection…no other alternate way possible?

First of all, the reality of it is the way it has been. And in this moment, right now with inquiry, the reality becomes different than my complaint about it.

It’s been perfect with work and money, because I get to meet all these incredible people and have the most intimate and beautiful, holy, sacred, honest, touching conversations with them. We share the most powerful communication in life–the things that bring us to our knees.

It’s perfect with money because I can see nothing more is required in this moment, except inquiry. I get to discover the brilliance that money, or someone else giving it to me, or something being zero-ed out (like a loan for a house) is not required for my own deepest happiness.

Wouldn’t I want to find out that peace is possible without money, or any person, or anything needing to change…including myself?

Astonishing.

It’s unconditional love. Truly un-conditional. No requests. No demands. No adjustments. No hopes. No wishes. No thinking to money, or to any relationship or to any part of life or reality “if you change, then I will be happy”. 

Such freedom, such freedom.

“It takes only one person to have a happy marriage, and that one is you.” ~ Byron Katie

In this moment, married to the silence, married to the news from my friend about her coming retirement (whatever that is), married to listening, married to money.

Married to reality.

Without my story….happy.

Much love,

Grace