Tag: relationships

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Speaking of relationships: Have you ever had a thought NOT about you?

The other day someone wrote to me she’s very interested in the Breitenbush retreat, except for one problem: She’s been happily married for over 30 years.

The thing is, Breitenbush retreat is not for looking at trouble in only primary committed relationships.

It’s for ALL or ANY relationships you feel upset about:

Mom, dad, sister, brother, uncle, boss, co-worker, aunt, son, daughter, friend, fellow student, driver, clerk, tech support helper, teacher, employee, co-worker, stranger, neighbor-down-the-street.

These people may have caused some trouble, right?

You can leave the ones alone who are amicable, easy and solid.

No need to question those relationships at all. I like how Byron Katie says about the good, favorable, fun thoughts “Keep those stories! They’re working for us!”

But any time you’ve felt resentful, disappointed, worried or confused by someone….and I mean anyone….then it’s worthy of inquiry.

Last night I had the privilege of sitting in the first introductory opening night of the School for The Work. What a beautiful crowd of folks showed up to dive into their School of Themselves.

Because that’s what we’re really drilling down into with this self-inquiry process called The Work. We’re taking what WE have noticed bothers us–and it can be anything–and investigating it.

This isn’t about what anyone else has noticed. It’s about YOUR life, what you’ve observed, what you’ve experienced. No one else has gone through what you have. It’s unique, powerful, and pretty amazing.

The other day, someone said he’s got no problems with other people. Relationships? Not an issue.

He said his primary concern is always himself.

Now, this is super common, and you can still do The Work. (YOU are your most important relationship, after all).

But it’s great to contemplate….are you really sure not one single other person has ever disturbed you in your entire life? Can you find small details of others in your world where you’ve thought there must be some mistake, they surprised you, criticized you, worried you, angered you?

These will be YOUR thoughts anyway, even if they are about another person! Your thoughts are the ones you’ll be identifying, then questioning.

It helps paint a clearer picture when you can identify something you dislike or feel nervous about, or feel sad about, when it comes to someone else.

I also like realizing that the only time I’ve ever had a problem with  myself was in some kind of relating….relationship as a verb.

The definition of relate is to make or show a connection between. So in relationships, I am exchanging communication of some kind with another person, or a thing.

I can ask myself if I comfortable with the relating, with the way I feel, as I talk, sit, touch, share time with another being?

Because if I am not comfortable….that’s a place for The Work. That’s what it’s about. Questioning these stressful stories of not feeling comfortable making or showing a connection to someone in life. It doesn’t matter if they long since passed away either. You still have an internal relationship with that person, on the inside.

(It’s really all about what’s inside the mind).

I’ve laughed and thought some relationships or ways of being in the world with humans felt like hell in the past. Literally I was terrified, angry, furious, abandoned.

But with The Work, you get to question what happened. I find out almost every time, I didn’t have the whole picture, I’m not the one in charge of the other person (or the universe), or I played a key part in the whole difficult way of relating that unfolded.

Relating happened. If it wasn’t fun….time to do The Work.

When I do The Work on any relationship in the world that’s ever bothered me, I find curiosity, laughter. I even find appreciation and gratitude.

Who would I be without my story about that person who bugged me? In heaven, not in hell.

Early-bird fee for the winter Breitenbush retreat is only $295 for 3 days (a very low fee to entice people to the gorgeous woods in the cold of winter). Early bird fee ends on October 31st. We begin Thursday evening December 7 and end Sunday Dec 10th at lunch. November 1st, the fee jumps to $395. Call Breitenbush at 503-854-3320 if you want more information about lodging, travel or meals, and to sign up. They handle everything.

“You are a universe to discover. You’re soooo interested in YOU. Have you ever had a thought NOT about you? ” ~ Byron Katie

What an exciting gift to write down your stressful thoughts, no matter who or what they are about, no matter what kind of relationship you’ve had….

….and question them.

Ahhhhhh.

Much love,

Grace

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Questioning every thought, step by step, brings freedom faster than a short-cut

The beauty of sitting with others connecting in inquiry for 4 days is remarkable. I love hearing each and every person’s story, and how magnificent each person is in unraveling it, so it’s not running their lives anymore.

Everyone got to open the retreat on our first evening together by filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, slowly, carefully, thoughtfully–like a meditation. Writing their unhappiness on paper, so it’s frozen there in ink and can’t sneak away or be temporarily forgotten.

We get to write: This is what hurts. These are my thoughts. This is my story.

I must confess.

When I first started doing The Work, it felt so great just to write out an angry, disappointed or frightened JYN, it was like a genuine honest cathartic experience. I could rage, scream, call the person names on paper. I remember once writing with such vengeance, the paper tore under the pen point as I made my list of what I believed that person was like in the situation I was remembering.

Then….I’d take one or two thoughts through inquiry using the four questions, and wind up leaving the paper somewhere in a notebook, or throwing it in the trash if I didn’t want someone to find it in the household.

I had many piles of worksheets that went unfinished. I never worked through all the concepts on the worksheet.

And guess what happened?

That person bugged me again, either in my own thoughts OR they actually said something new that I found disturbing all over.

In other words, it came back. It repeated itself. It wasn’t over.

So in our recent retreat, we had the luxury of working through that entire first worksheet everyone wrote for themselves on the first night–the situation we most wanted to question right then.

For the first few concepts on the worksheet, people had the looks people often begin to have when doing The Work: a lightbulb is going off. Some weight is lifted from the situation.

Then, as we worked our way through the “I wants” and “she or he should” and “I need” and “they are”, it was hilarious how participants said “ugh, groan, not this same situation!”

Can’t I move on to a new JYN??!

LOL. I’ve had the exact same experience.

I felt so good after questioning only one thought from a worksheet, why keep going?! Do we have to beat a dead horse?

(In fact there were some dead-horse-beating jokes murmuring through the lovely group of inquirers on retreat together, and laughter).

But then, moving all the way through a worksheet, taking breaks, plugging away, working with different facilitators….

….what a treat.

That’s when true, deeper transformation can happen.

I could hear it.

‘Wow thank you for keeping us on track with investigating one situation so deeply.”

“Amazing, I had called the divorce lawyer, and now after this worksheet….I’m calling off the entire plan for separation.”

“Wow, I realize this situation I’m so afraid of is just my mind imagining the worst…..but the way I’m envisioning a frightening moment is only in my mind, and it’s not true!”

“My entire worksheet is almost funny now. It IS funny! I’m laughing!”

“I came to this retreat to resolve in my primary relationship and I’ve found it honestly–it’s not the way I wanted it to go, but I understand now what I’m unable to do.”

I was filled with gratitude at what I heard and witnessed with everyone’s beautiful work.

Which was really MY beautiful work.

I’ve had the same thoughts, and I got to hear them run through me like a river. “Is it true?” I’d see a picture of something in my own life. I’d see a picture of what I imagined THEIR situation to look like.

So today, I continue feeling grateful for all the people who came to help me in my own work for four days of misty wet autumn, so that I can experience the peace of freedom from believing the mind that says “life is hard, life is painful, things can go wrong” and turn all this around to “life is easy, life is gentle, things can go right”.

Only in my thinking do things go wrong.

If you’d like to come do this brilliant freedom work–where you find your own answers, always–and question your suffering especially about anyone in your life you’ve found difficult to deal with….

….then consider coming to Breitenbush in early December.

We’ll be cozy in the magnificent old-growth woods, you’ll have quiet warm cabins to stay in, all meals will be served (organic, vegetarian, delicious) and there will be hot springs to soak in on your breaks in the crisp forest air all around.

We’ve got plenty of space still, and the early-bird fee for the winter Breitenbush retreat is only $295 for 3 days. Early bird fee ends on October 31st. We begin Thursday evening December 7 and end Sunday Dec 10th at lunch. November 1st, the fee jumps to $395. Call Breitenbush at 503-854-3320 if you want more information about lodging, travel or meals, and to sign up. They handle everything for this one.

And here’s one of my favorite things about this upcoming December retreat: my life partner Jon will be joining us, and he and I will be sharing some of the fun, hilarity, fear, and joy about inquiring on someone very close–like a husband or wife.

We can’t wait to be with everyone who shows up to do The Work with us.

Come have a quiet winter rejuvenating retreat, just in time before the holidays (which have been known to contain a stressful thought about loved ones…or two….or three).

“Judge your neighbor, write it down, ask four questions, turn it around. Who says that freedom has to be complicated?” ~ Byron Katie

What an exciting gift!

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Tonight, I’ll be serving on staff at the School for The Work in Ojai, California with Byron Katie. Can’t wait to share with you what I learn along the way. xo

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You need their love, praise, money, companionship, home cooking….are you sure?

It’s funny (sort of) how we humans tend to move towards things we think will benefit us, individually. Nothing wrong with it, but it can be very stressful if you think that without it, your life won’t be as good, or isn’t as good already.

I need or want “x”….and I’m sure I’d be better off with it. So I go a-hunting for it. I try to acquire it. I try to earn it. I bend over backwards for it.

Maybe I sacrifice for it.

Money. Relationship. Happiness. Security. Adventure. Enlightenment.

I’ve seen other people with the thing I want. But not me.

Relationships can be presented in this way. The belief for some is that it’s better to have one. When you get a good, close, committed love relationship….then you’ll be happy. You’ll be secure. You’ll have companionship. You’ll get things, like a house or status, or cash, or attention, or fun, or someone to talk to.

It’s such a strong desire for many people that matchmaking businesses make a lot of money connecting people. People just feel so very certain if they find someone and call them their special companion, move in together, get married….

….they will get what they want. Then they’ll be happy.

An inquirer once came to me to work on his beliefs about couples.

He wasn’t in a relationship. But he thought he should be. He really thought he needed a girlfriend. He had enlisted in many services to help him find a mate.

And yet, so far, he was single basically his entire life.

I asked him what he thought couples had, that he didn’t?

And since we were doing The Work, which is all about your real thoughts on the subject without editing, I asked him also what was the worst that could happen if he was in a primary relationship with another person and it didn’t go the way he liked?

So he thought about what he believed he would have, if he had a girlfriend (and then a wife) and he said he’d have sex, and someone better at cooking than him….so, meals. A welcoming kitchen. A companion for trips overseas.

Another time, I was working with a woman who had been married for ages. She felt bored and tired of her husband of 30 years. Uninvolved in his life, disconnected, uninterested, uncaring.

What made her NOT leave or move to South America where she longed to go? She also answered honestly, since we were doing The Work.

Money. Security. She didn’t have to work at a job as long as she remained married and didn’t disrupt the status quo.

What I see in what people bring to relationships, is extreme amounts of stress when they expect something in return for being in the relationship, or expect they owe something for being in the relationship.

I give you “x”, you give me “y”, we have a deal.

Problem is….humans aren’t that reliable.

Life itself isn’t that reliable, or known, can’t be planned, can’t be controlled, isn’t a trade agreement. It’s also not All About Me. Making sure “I” at least get some, even if everyone else doesn’t.

But let’s do The Work, and see where this goes. Nothing like inquiry to open up the awareness and the gate of understanding.

What do you believe a love relationship will give you? If you’re already in a committed relationship, what do you believe your relationship ensures?

You need that relationship in order to be: wealthy, free to not work, adventure, expand emotionally, feel loved, grow, be seen as cool, feel safe.

Is this true?

Be honest.

If you say “yes” see if it’s absolutely true for all time that you need that relationship in order to be ______ (fill in the blank).

How do you react when you believe you need a relationship in order to feel or get or be loved, rich, safe, honored, comfortable, enlightened, seen in a good light?

Oh man.

The man who came to do The Work was looking at this pay-off for having a relationship: sex, companionship, meals.

How he reacted was he dated many, many women and broke up with them if they didn’t like to cook or want to keep house. He paid for elaborate adventures and bought gifts for the ones who did. He constantly wished for the ideal woman. He felt critical and angry when someone he thought might be the “one” didn’t do it the way he preferred.

He treated himself like his own company wasn’t that great–and being with another was better. He always felt restless and frustrated. He said he felt resentful if the sex wasn’t right.

Who would you be without your story?

We do place so much on relationships. It’s in the love songs, and our language. We project feeling supported, loved, valued because of that other person’s actions, or what they say.

But who would we be without our story of relationship?

Sometimes, I’ve had the thought I’d be alone. It doesn’t mean that at all.

Without the stressful story of relationship meaning we’re loved, safe, secure, wealthy, compensated (and the story that without one it means we aren’t or we’re not)….

….I find I’m free to love unconditionally.

Truly resting in love. No deal-making. No trades. No focus on myself and how this is all about me and “my” relationship. No expectations. No hardness. No risks. No scarcity.

Without my story of relationship being necessary in order for me to feel safe, for example, I notice the joy of how much safety I’ve experienced whether in relationship, or not. I survived, so far. Someday I won’t.

And it won’t be because I wasn’t in a relationship (LOL). It will be because it’s my time to go. I’m not in charge.

The sweet inquirer who did The Work noticed that without his thought of needing a relationship for sex, companionship or meals….

….he could see how much he loved going to restaurants all the time, and all the servers he knew like friends. He could enjoy the company of many kinds of people, in wide variety. He loved his alone time and the simplicity of life without focus on anyone else. He paid for pornography that had no attachment. The trade was money. This felt really easy for him.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need a relationship in order to be _______ (wealthy, safe, loved, comfortable, grow, etc).

Can you find advantages of not being in relationship, if you aren’t?

Can you find advantage for being IN relationship, if you are?

How exciting, thrilling and fun to explore whatever is here, and to appreciate it without expectations, demands, control, or neediness.

“When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.

If you act from fear, there’s no way you can receive love, because you’re trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people. But once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don’t have to do anything for love. The fact is that when I have my own approval, I’m happy, and I don’t need anyone else’s.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True? 

Turning the thought around again: I need a relationship with myself in order to be ______ (fill in the words you’ve been looking at). I need a relationship with my own thinking.

I’ve often thought about how this doesn’t mean I live in a bubble and never ask for a thing. Not at all.

If I’m thirsty, I go get some water or ask for it or buy it. But I don’t believe I need a special relationship to quench my thirst. I’m an adult, with an open mind. I can move to care for myself and all connect with all life, with ease.

I find when I am accepting of myself entirely, why would I ever “need” to receive compliments, money, companionship, love, growth, praise, nurturing, safety through any relationship. I’d have all these things available to me already through the whole world.

Exciting.

If you want to really work on relating and relationship in your life, and clean up your stressful thinking when it comes to what you think you need from someone else….come to Breitenbush in December. Watch here for the short invite my husband Jon and I made for you:

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Get super judgey…and put yourself back in the nature of things (it’s called The Work)!

Sometimes, doing The Work is super embarrassing.

Have you noticed?

The invitation is to be petty, childish, honest, ridiculous, critical, judgey….all the ways you’re trying NOT to be. For years!

And now, to do The Work, we’re supposed to write down what really, really bugged us about that person or that situation?

Yikes, that’s a hard pill to swallow. Is it really medicine? Won’t it hurt? I can’t REALLY let all those dreadful thoughts out on paper and write them down, can I?

I’d need to burn the paper when I’m done writing!

It seems like that would be going down the WRONG path….right?

Often, there’s such a deep feeling of NOT wanting to judge in any way (it’s bad bad bad) we get furious with ourselves for being this way.

I should change. Something’s wrong with ME. Obviously!

The thing is….the left turn into I-Must-Change zone is just as tricky and difficult as the negative judgments about other people in the first place.

You THINK you’re taking the burden off those other people or those situations you didn’t enjoy (or that terrified you)….

….and placing the burden on yourself (you are the only person who can change, after all)….

….but you MISS the fact that you’re still judging, condemning, upset, troubled and absolutely 100% against What Is.

No way are you loving what is. Not even accepting what is.

So who would you really be, without the troubled story that what went down was wrong, and shouldn’t have happened?

Who would you be without the belief it was your fault, or theirs, or anyone’s?

There’s nothing like The Work for bringing you into a way to stop trying to aim your arrow and shoot at the thing that screwed up (including you).

Who would you be without the belief something went wrong?

Holy smokes. I know. It’s amazing.

“Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened for me, rather than to me’ isn’t a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

If you need to spend some time (I sure did) with this practice, step by step, in the company of others and receive the deepest support in your work, come to world famous Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon for the annual summer mental cleanse retreat. June 21-25 Weds evening through Sunday lunch in beautiful quiet near a stunning river, gorgeous cabins in a pristine old-growth forest, with all your meals. Optional hotspring soaks on your free time.

A place of retreat, joy, nature, the freshest air, and questioning your troubles. On the last day, the very special labyrinth walk in The Work. For more information visit here. Mental health counselors earn 26 CEUS. ITW candidates earn 24 CEs.

Much love,

Grace

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I have created a world where enemies are possible

Still some space in the May retreat for commuters only. We’re almost full, but if you’re considering, there’s still room. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals through Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work. May 11-14.

Breitenbush is starting to fill and this is one where the choice housing sells out fast (little gorgeous private cabins). Read about it HERE. Only one more month for early bird rate. (27 CEUs). June 21-25.

Being With Byron Katie July 8-11 on north Capitol Hill heart-of-Seattle private little home. 4 bedrooms, big kitchen, and simple large living room with excellent seating. Bedrooms available for those who wish to stay overnight (very low price compared to alternatives). Total silence for 4 days onsite, with two 3-hour sessions of streaming Byron Katie live to us from Switzerland. Only $185, probably the most inexpensive way possible to spend time with Byron Katie. 24 CEs for Certification Candidates in Institute for The Work. “The highlight of my entire year” ~ Summer 2016 participant.

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Do you see yourself as the victim of a circumstance or situation or an interaction with someone?

Even the teensiest tiniest bit?

Because I’ve found, when I feel this way even just a wee smidgeon, the mind will take off so fast on how that person, or reality and life itself, Done Me Wrong.

Seriously, did you hear what she said? Oh, and that’s nothing. One time a man I know hurt me by….And then there was the time I broke my leg, hurt my back, got yelled at….Oh and also she betrayed me, it was terrible.

The mind kicks in with a story (or now that you’re asking, 100 stories) and goes from zero to 260 miles per hour in 4 seconds flat on how terrible, awful, horrible it was and I’m still getting over it today. It sets records with stories of being a victim and that person doing you wrong.

At least, that’s how my mind has run.

It’s not easy. And it can be incredibly frightening.

You see how you were hurt. Maybe over and over again, like some kind of weird recording loop getting stuck and playing repeatedly. A haunted house.

We’ll say to ourselves DO NOT THINK ABOUT THAT…MOVE ON!!

But no.

It’s right here in my consciousness, in my psyche. I’m thinking about it when awake at night.

I’ve received a few emails and had some individual sessions lately with beautiful inquirers who were really, really afraid and have experienced some pretty intense trauma in the past.

Can you do The Work on these dreadful situations? But they’re so frightening! How could asking four questions handle that heart-wrenching experience?

The astonishing thing is….I’ve found The Work CAN handle these experiences.

I mean, what else really is the problem except my thinking about it?

Because the event, the person, the situation, the circumstance….

….is actually over right now, in this present moment.

If you have trouble even thinking about going back to the difficulty, the pain, the terror, the trauma….here’s one thought you can question right now:

“I can’t handle this!”

People come with this thought in the eating peace program about a moment of compulsion all the time, but really it arises for many in all kinds of situations.

I can’t handle this feeling, this memory, this awareness, this incident, this image, this experience. I seriously Can’t Handle It. Don’t make me!

So before we even start questioning the thoughts about who did it and what happened and what you believe about what happened, if you notice great fear rising up about even doing The Work on something….let’s do The Work on this first thought, OK?

You can’t handle it.

Is it true?

Yes. This ruins my whole day. I just want to be over it, and never think about it again. I’m making myself sick about this. I HATE this memory. I want it to turn OFF. PLEASE. I’m getting tortured here. I really can’t handle it!!!!!!!!!

(Lots of exclamation points).

But can you absolutely know this is true that you can’t handle it?

Look around.

Where are you?

Are you being held up by the ground, the floor, a chair, a bed perhaps? Are you breathing, even if you think you can’t breathe?

I can’t know it’s absolutely true. I notice I’m handling it, even if it barely feels like it. Even if I’m scared to death.

How do you react when you believe you can’t handle it?

Totally freaking out.

Body full of resistance and tightness. Resentful. Defensive. Anxious.

So who would you be without the belief you can’t handle this?

Here you are in this situation: human remembering a painful event. Full of feelings. Flooded. Paralyzed (you think). But entirely without the thought you can’t handle it.

I know it isn’t comfortable.

This isn’t the blissful experience of being without thought.

Notice what’s actually true, though. Even if you have a nervous breakdown (or you could call it a huge crack and shift of consciousness). What I notice is you CAN handle it.

You already ARE handling it. You HAVE handled it.

Here’s a way that’s worked for me, to be with this wondering of who you are without your belief you can’t handle it: imagine your left elbow or your pinkie finger, or your skin.

These parts of you as a living entity handled it. You weren’t running, or needing to control, or being the manager of your pinkie finger and whether or not it could handle it. Maybe you aren’t running your mind either, as it dives off the diving board into fear. It’s just being itself, trying to protect and make sense of something.

The same mind can answer questions….it LOVES questions. It loves getting simpler, and finding answers.

You CAN handle your feelings.

What if they are here to help out? What if they’re suggesting you have some brilliantly powerful work to do?

Turning it around:

It can’t handle me.

How could this be as true, or truer?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in form that we haven’t understood yet. And questioning the mind allows beliefs to simply arise. The quiet mind realizes that no belief is true, it is immovable in that, so there’s no belief it can attach to. It’s comfortable with them all….Projection would have us see reality as a ‘them’ and a ‘me’, but reality is much kinder….If there’s anything I’m afraid of losing, I have created a world where enemies are possible, and in such a world there’s no way to understand that whatever I lose I am better off without.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 230

That thing I perceive as so traumatic? It can’t handle whatever this “me” is. This me is vast and expansive. This me is mind and thought, life force, presence, awareness. This me is consciousness, being human. Undefinable really. Mysterious.

The thoughts are puffs of smoke like those little exploding mushrooms in nature. Poof.

If I looked into a basket of my thoughts about that terrible trauma, I’d see air. Nothing. It’s all flashing images of a magnificent creative mind, re-member-ing. Attempting to tie things together, that aren’t actually together.

It’s OK that this mind tries to make sense. The mind itself is also not the enemy. It is a friend, bringing an offering, for inquiry.

It can’t handle you.

That’s truer.

Much love,
Grace

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When I Say Yes, When I Say No…..Love In Question

Love, attraction, romance.

It all sounds lovely, but it sure does often bring up angst, anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, rage and fear. Just a few stressful feelings!

Recently two different inquirers did The Work on opposite sides of the same coin. Both of these lovely inquirers felt unhappy and unresolved when it came to a romantic relationship they cared about.

One side of the coin: Say yes to what your partner wants. Be agreeable. If your partner asks you for something or begs you to stay….you stay. And you feel massively stuck and frustrated.

Other side of the coin: Shut that partner down. Ditch them. Leave them in the dust. Say no to what they want. And feel massively sorry, guilty and worried.

Neither option feels good, and maybe not even right.

So how do you work with this dratted “relationship” coin that has two options, and neither option feels relaxed or loving or peaceful?

The thing that will bring the most relief, and clarity?

The Work.

Situation one: You say yes. You feel compliant and like you’ve made your partner happy. But you lied, because you meant No.

What would be the worst that could happen in this situation, if you had said “no”? See the worst image (maybe it already happened in the past) and write a worksheet on that situation.

In the case of the inquirer I was facilitating, her fears were that her partner would freak out, demand long conversations, beg, manipulate, cajole, stalk.That dreadful thought….I have no choice. I have to say yes, otherwise, horror.

And what about the other situation number two: She said no, and felt furious.

What’s the worst that could happen, if she had said “yes”? She would have felt disrespected. She felt her boundaries were violated. He wasn’t safe, because he pushed. He asked too much.

Many of us have experienced BOTH of these scenarios, and felt distraught about it.

But who would we be without the stories that we might wind up somewhere dangerous, if we said yes or said no?

Wait….WHAT???!!!

I thought saying yes = avoiding pain, sorrow, guilt, conflict.

I thought saying no = keeping safe, not giving in, maintaining clear boundaries.

In relationship and romance stories, we have many ideas about what yes or no mean about love. If you care about me, you’ll say YES. If you say NO, you don’t care.

Uh, hmmmm, is that actually true?

How do you react when you think someone’s request…and your answer….means you’re loved, or not, or they’re loved, or not?

It’s easy to see with parent-child relationships. If my kids were super upset or sad about not getting something in the past before I had The Work, I’d feel torment inside, and maybe change my mind about my NO.

Thank God for The Work entering my life when they were quite young. I started saying NO and YES with so much more clarity, and it had nothing to do with whether I loved them or not–and we all knew it.

Who would you be without the belief you have to be careful with your YES, careful with your NO….and that these answers within have anything to do with love?

WOWSER!

You mean….I can simply feel what’s right for me, and either stay or go, in any situation, in any moment, with any request?

Yes.

Even if a person is saying they’ll DIE without you by their side, you can love them so much, and say “no” to their request.

Even if a person is saying you HAVE TO do it their way and you won’t or can’t, you can love them so much while saying “no” to their request.

Turning this around: I will NOT wind up somewhere dangerous, if I say YES, or if I say NO.

Could this be just as true, or truer, that I’m free to speak what feels most deeply honest in the moment, with any request set before me?

“I don’t walk around being careful about what I say. I stop for myself. I am responsible for my own heaven or hell. On the other hand, if you ask me point-blank for the truth, then I’m going to tell you. I want to give you everything I see, if you ask. The way you hear my answer is what determines whether it hurts you or helps you. So every person is responsible for himself, in the giving and receiving. I could say the most loving thing, and someone’s feelings could be hurt. The story they tell about what they think I said is how they hurt their own feelings. Nothing else is possible. If I ask you a question point-blank and you dance around it, thinking your truth will hurt me, then you’re not honoring yourself or me. To not answer honestly could leave you feeling incomplete. Can you really know that you can hurt or disappoint another person with your words?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Phew, it’s almost inconceivable.

I thought people’s words, and my words, could hurt and disappoint like crazy.

But I realize, that’s only when I think my words, my YES or my NO, have something to do with inherently loving that other person, or feeling love for myself.

The love is here, however, no matter what. Yes or No are just honest answers, matching an inner sense of truth in the moment. They even sometimes change and a YES becomes a NO, or vice versa.

Love doesn’t change. It doesn’t need someone to stay, or leave. It doesn’t need something to change, or stay the same.

I don’t need to say yes (or no) to love either that other person, or myself.

Love is here now. And now.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation [or relationship] but your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

So let’s question our unhappy thoughts.

Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the worst situation you ever had with that person when they didn’t like your answer, or you didn’t like theirs.

Take the thoughts through the four questions.

Now that’s something to say YES to.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. three commuter spots available for Spring Cleaning Retreat. Stay nearby in your own cozy AirBnB or hotel room, or commute from your home. May 11-14. Let’s do The Work.

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Big decisions? You don’t have to figure it out.

Trouble deciding? What are you afraid of?

Decisions, Decisions.

Have you ever been plagued by a dilemma of choosing between two things?

You could go with this, or you could go with that, or you could go with this, or you could go with that. (That’s by Black Sheep in case you aren’t a 90s hip-hop fan).

But I can’t decide!!

If I say YES, I feel nervous about the hard work (for a new job for example) or I’m very anxious I’ll be trapped (like in a committed relationship) or I’m terrified I won’t survive financially (leaving a long-term marriage) or I’m worried I can’t learn the new language and I’ll be homesick (moving to another country).

Whatever happens, it COULD BE BAD!

That’s the fear, right?

I’ll have a moment where I’m uncomfortable, disappointed, angry, irritated, furious, frightened, sad, regretful.

A couple of years ago, I applied with my new husband to refinance our home, and take my former husband’s name off the loan (even though former husband and I were divorced for almost a decade, he was forever listed on the loan).

My current husband and I were turned down. Not enough income. Not enough equity.

Secretly, I thought….”good”. Don’t tell anyone.

Because isn’t it dangerous to own property with some other human? I mean, they aren’t reliable. Did you see what happened last time? Even the most steadfast, kind, loving people go ape-sh*% sometimes, do they not? One has to be careful. I’ve been directly burned, after all.

Then time went by, and the housing prices started to rise, even for this tiny cottage I live in with my husband. It seemed like the right thing to do to try to refinance again and take care of that loan–update it, get the right people responsible for it who actually live here, get the former husband off the note (he really wanted that done), make plans for my mom to move here in her aging years.

This time, the loan refinance went through. After many months of waiting and me having thoughts like “Well, if it never refinances, who cares? Not me! I’ll eventually pay it off, if possible, and it will be mine, all mine!” (Horror movie laugh of glee).

Worry, fret, anxiety.

Have you noticed, whether you’re afraid your new roommate at college will be weird, or you’re nervous your new boss will do something difficult…..there’s really only two possibilities going on here with the fretting.

  1. the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future is actually already happening (or did)
  2. the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future has not yet happened

The first thing to do in a dilemma around choosing, is to notice if it’s #1 or #2 above.

If it’s #1, then you’ve got a current worksheet to look at deeply and maybe some beautiful clear action to take, once you’ve identified and inquired into what happened, or is currently underway.

For example, let’s say you’re worried about this new project at your job and that you’ll get all the dirty grunt work assigned to you and your boss won’t respect your time limits and you’re trying to figure out if you should say something or refuse the project or what.

If you believe this will happen….how on earth did you ever come to that conclusion? Oh. Did something ALREADY occur, or maybe a whole series of things, where you’ve felt your boundaries were disrespected, and you were the one who had to do the worst part of the project?

WORKSHEET!!

Questioning your story about what already happened will probably bring you immense clarity, and your medicine for how to relax, and move forward (or even make amends to yourself, or to others) and act in a way that holds deep integrity for you and for everyone involved.

Now, as for #2 above.

You’re faced with a decision or a choice or you’re fretting about something occurring that’s never happened. Like, this new project at work will go horribly and you’ll be worked to the bone with no breaks, without recognition. And you’ve never done a project like this in your life.

Where DID you get this idea, my little grasshopper?

Someone else’s story? Hearsay? Pictures in your head of what it will look like because you read a book, or saw a movie? A friend or family member telling you their own terrible tale?

You HAD to get it from somewhere, even if you put together composites of many other stories and cut and pasted them into a brilliant future terror scene. Right?

But the most important thing to notice with #2 is….

….IT HASN’T HAPPENED.

The future has Not Yet Occurred.

So in the most basic way, we can start this kind of agonizing choice-making with this simple inquiry:

Something terrible will happen.

(And I strongly suggest finding out what you think is terrible, and identifying it clearly).

But is this true?

Are you completely sure something terrible will happen?

How about something terrible MIGHT happen?

Are you absolutely and completely sure, without a doubt, that something terrible might happen?

No. I could never absolutely “know” this. I can know nothing about the future, and what’s more is….I notice the past is not only over, it’s never precisely repeatable.

How do I react when I believe something terrible could happen?

Doubled over in anxiety, not sleeping, worried, frantic. I see pictures of other already-happened images, or pictures of scenes I invented in my head through imagination, and other peoples’ stories.

So who would you be without this thought that something terrible could happen, in the future….whether in the dilemma you’re contemplating, or anywhere at all?

What if you just could not conceive of that thought? What if you could not believe this thought was the truth? What if you forgot about this thought, for a minute?

Who would you actually be? WHAT would you be?

Huh.

What would I be. Hmmm.

I’d be sitting here. I’d be….I have no idea. I’d be a person, looking around, flashing images in my head without believing a single one. I’d be noticing this Big Decision is maybe not all that important, to be honest.

I’d be feeling sweet, right now, right here. Quiet fan blowing heat into the room. Darkness outside the window. Wind chimes tinkling on the porch.

No urgency. No emergency. No freaking out, or depression. Just contentedly here. No serious worry about loss, or gain.

Nothing required.

Turning the thought around to the opposite: something wonderful will happen.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Wow.

“Just notice when things are out of balance. You don’t have to figure it out. There’s a built-in signal that will always let you know: it’s called stress. Your unquestioned thoughts about life lead you to believe that there’s something out of order, and that can never be true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

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They’re upset…but are you OK?

They don’t like me. They’re upset. I should have done it differently. Who would I be without this very stressful story?

In Year of Inquiry we just started Relationships month. Me and another. What happens when it goes off?

Well here I was, getting the chance to notice…AGAIN.

What was is that was bugging me?

I knew the conversation where it got sparked. I knew the person I had interacted with where some kind of concerned energy woke up inside.

It was actually most recently ignited by only a short email.

I read the email, and suddenly many of the same old danger warnings were going off on the inside.
Often, when the brain is triggered and you’re having a fearful response, no matter what the level, you feel like you can’t think straight. Anxiety, nerves, worry, jumpy…something’s off. The range of emotion can be huge.
It’s almost, however, like the lesser levels of anxiety or nervousness, sadness or irritation, make things more difficult to perceive. Like the colors of the emotion aren’t very vivid. Part of you knows this is no biggie. Part of you moves on with your day.
And part of you keeps thinking of that person’s email and the words, or re-opening the email later to re-read to make sure you got it right.
People tell me they have this murky, uncomfortable, yet unknown feeling when they want to work on their addictions, all the time. “Something’s off, but I don’t know what!”
A typical way to NOT calm down or pull it together is to start telling yourself to. Have you noticed?
That voice comes in trying to be helpful: “You need to get a grip. How many times do you need to do The Work on this? Where are your clear boundaries? You’re the one who re-opened the conversation…is something wrong with you? Are you never going to get this right?”

But we know the voice of self-criticism and wrongness is NOT the one to move towards. That’ll get you stuck self-improving forever. Without ever seeing what you were afraid of in the first place.

So I knew I had to take a look.

By sitting down and writing a worksheet.

I am anxious in this situation because he is soooo needy, demanding, grabby, desperate. He wants something. He doesn’t take no for an answer…..

As I thought about the situation, even after doing The Work and finding so much clarity about this past relationship, and noticing nothing dangerous has ever happened (except in my thinking)….

….I realized I felt worried about saying “no”.

His anger, his disappointment, his criticism.

I’ll let him down. Ugh.

If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot.

(OK, a little dramatic, but that’s what the anxiety says).

Is it true?

Yes! Did you see what he did last time? He couldn’t stop peppering me with questions, it was horrible. He couldn’t stop following me, criticizing me. He’d bring it up every time I saw him. I wanted to avoid him like the plague.

But is it absolutely true?

No. We’ve lived years and years of life without any contact at all. But something persists here, whenever I remember or have a new tiny contact with him. I used to be afraid of running in to him. That’s faded away, but BAM….the minute there’s contact there’s a sick pit in the stomach.

Who would I be without the belief I will incite his anger, no matter what I do? Without the thought that if I say no, if I’m blunt, if I don’t return the email, if I never call, if I tell the truth….he’ll be disappointed? Or if I don’t do any of these things….I’ll get into trouble?

I’d be calm, quiet and honest.

Not even defensive, or trying to generate boldness, or attempting to be any different than I actually am. I’d just be quite simply….honest. And kind.

Honesty might mean not responding. I wouldn’t frantically try to make sure he’s OK before I am. I wouldn’t work extra wildly hard at saying it the “right” way. There would be no worry about the consequences. I’d trust that if I’m running into him, it’s because it needed to happen. What, am I the ruler of the Universe?

Wow.

Turning the thought around: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot INSIDE MYSELF.

So true. I’ve had the thought since very young that saying “no” is dreadful, so I didn’t do it for years. It just about killed me. I used to eat, instead of saying no. That was a true internal “riot”. I didn’t listen to myself and the anger or sharpness inside, and give it the attention it needed.

Oh, I could give the “no” response respect right now, even in the moment I’m remembering and reading an email. I can sit and do this work and notice the respect I have for myself, and for him, and speak it.

Turning it around again: If he says “no” or expresses his honest opinion or tells the truth…he’ll incite a riot.

Have I ever been told “no” and been deeply, horribly, outrageously disappointed?

Yep. And every single one of those good-byes were amazing, because they brought me back to myself, to me. They freed me from neediness, especially once I had The Work.

Turning it around again: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….there will be no riot. There’d be a riot if I do NOT say no.

Holy Moly.

It could be a great invitation to be super clear, to speak very directly, with the precision of a great artist; no hemming, no hawing, no little tentacles trying to be something other than “no”. No need to be the one being gentle.

Noticing kindness and gentleness might be a “no” just as easily as a “yes”. Noticing the “no” to them is a “yes” to me. No need to be upset with the one asking. Instead, bringing back the sense of awareness into my own center, without getting into someone else’s business.

How do I know I’m supposed to be asked for something I don’t want to give, or am even unable to give at the moment?

I’m being asked.

And it doesn’t mean I have to say yes.

“I understand that our instinct is to move away from what’s not comfortable, to try to get somewhere better, but as my teacher used to say, “You need to take the backward step, not the forward step”….The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Instead of looking for their approval and happiness with me, with my answers, with my “yes” or my “no”….could I look inside right here, where I stand (even with them over there, feeling disappointed) and find peace and love, and acceptance, already present.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. One of the best places to work on any relationship in your life that’s ever caused you stress is at a live in-person retreat where you can sink into The Work for 4 days. The power of the inquiry deepens daily. Light-bulbs flash. Your comfort with the issue eases open. Come to spring retreat. Still some spots left. A beautiful time for finding your own freedom. Read about it here.

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They’re ignoring me…and I’m ignoring her.

leftout
Are they ignoring me? Or is it just my imagination?

One of my favorite things about The Work is the way it encourages us to use our imagination!

We’re already using it, before The Work, to scare ourselves, get worried, get angry, feel powerless, feel sad, be unhappy.

So let’s expand that imagination to a broader, more inclusive, more trusting, more good-feeling perspective. The other side of duality, in this dual world of opposites.

But this doesn’t mean “try” to be positive, and to go straight from “I hate this situation” to “I love this situation” without inquiry.

That’s super hard, and not very respectful to yourself.

Someone asked me recently, what kind of positive affirmations or sentences do I tell myself, when I feel distressed and I want to ground myself in feeling better?

I had to chuckle inside. Because I wouldn’t tell myself one single thing that was a positive affirmation, or a pep talk, that I didn’t believe or hadn’t inquired into first.

I’m not sure I ever even think of telling myself positive things on purpose.

The person who asked me this then went on to say that she was on a long vacation with her extended family, and from the very first day she began to feel uncomfortable with quite a few things she was observing in all these family members.

Grandchildren were running across the street without their parents restraining them. Her adult children were gazing at their cell phones, and the teens were constantly snap-chatting with friends back home in the US. Older folks were holding up the group, or getting ditched by the younger set–resulting in people losing each other in crowded European piazzas. Siblings were acting rude during meals, and ignoring her.

What she then told me was that she decided on about the second day to Say Nothing.

“There was no point. It’s just the way it is.”

Hmmmm.

The opposite of Arguing With Reality is not Being Resigned To Reality with a chip on your shoulder.

I asked her if she wanted to try The Work, since she was asking me about it and wondering if I used positive affirmations. She agreed.

One of the most pressing, repetitive thoughts she had about several of the people in her family was….”they are ignoring me”.

They care more about “x” (cell phones, emails, themselves, their friends) than about this vacation. They don’t care about me. The last trip was much better. I may as well have stayed home.

Ow.

This really hurts, when you believe it.

I asked her, is it true they ignored you?

YES. YES. YES. (She explained more about what they were doing, the way of the world these days, the neglect, the spiritual void of lacking an ability to be present, the rudeness she witnessed).

Inside a part of me had a little edge of a feeling….“She should slow down. She should relax and answer the questions. She shouldn’t explain and find additional proof for her stressful belief.”

“How do you react when you believe the thought”, I asked her, “that they’re ignoring you?”

She explained how she reacted by saying nothing, never one word, never asking for what she wanted. She didn’t bring up her complaints. She didn’t speak her regrets. She didn’t make her requests.

Too furious to speak. Too unhappy. Too upset.

I get it. I’ve been there.

It’s painful to believe I can’t speak up about how I’m feeling, because if I do a fountain of unhappiness will burst out of me. I’ll disappoint them. I’ll make it worse.

Wow, it’s rough to be so caught between a rock and a hard place–I can’t talk, I can’t Not Talk, and be happy.

I asked her who she would be without this belief that they were ignoring her?

She answered immediately: “it’s impossible not to have this belief. The world is like this now. People don’t care about each other. Everyone wants to look at their phones. It’s never going back.”

As she spoke, I could feel the pain of having zero hope, and no ability to really find one drop of what it would be like to not have the thought, in the presence of people ignoring you. To really not have the thought “they are ignoring me” (even if they are).

But then she said something swiftly, and lightly, even if just for a second “I’d notice the amazing place I’m sitting. I’d look around.”

I realized as I did this work right alongside her, that it is very possible someone is ignoring her, whatever that means exactly (not paying attention, not caring, not connecting, not loving, being dismissive, being interested in something else besides her).

But it doesn’t mean she has to think and believe the thought herself.

She could barely stay in the question “who would you be without this thought?” She was out of there in literally 2 seconds. She was back into how awful to be ignored, how sad, how ruined the vacation.

So we kept moving….into the turnarounds.

“I am ignoring myself” in that situation. Could this be as true, or truer?

“Oh YES!” she replied after considering this turnaround. She saw how in that situation she buttoned her lip and said nothing and got really small over in a corner, and quiet, feeling left out and distant. She ignored her own desire to connect more closely, and to ask others to walk next to her, or put away their phones for awhile. She might have thought of all kinds of solutions that would offer a sense of closeness, rather than distance and resignation in her situation.

Wow.

It reminded me of believing there’s nothing I can do, in some situations, except withdraw, back away, separate myself.

It’s like the way I used to believe in dieting. Just go without. Starve. Avoid pleasure. Go hungry.

The only cure for this body problem, was to suffer silently. I never questioned “there is a problem”—is that true?

Yikes.

We looked at the turnarounds “I am ignoring THEM” and “they are NOT ignoring me”.

This inquirer’s answers were No, I can’t find any examples. They WERE ignoring me. And I was NOT ignoring them.

Right in the middle of that situation, me facilitating her, facilitating myself, facilitating inquiry on the thought “they are ignoring me” I felt the impact of “ignoring” or thinking of something as wrong (like someone not being able to find any turnaround examples).

What if what is happening, including these questions and these answers right here in the middle of The Work, are exactly what is supposed to be happening?

What if for this woman, the only turnaround that’s valid and helpful in that moment was the one “I am ignoring myself”?

What if I kindly and openly did not ignore her, as I facilitated, or ignored myself either?

What if what she was aware of, and clear about, and learning as she answered four strange questions she had never answered before….

….was just the right amount of ignoring, and awareness.

All I know is, it’s easy to love what’s happening than it is to hate it.

“The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Prejudice of any kind implies that you are identified with the thinking mind. It means you don’t see the other human being anymore, but only your own concept of that human being. To reduce the aliveness of another human being to a concept is already a form of violence.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much love,

Grace

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Are you telling (and questioning) the same story over and over again?

samestory
are you questioning the same story over and over again?

I am stunned by the brilliant and thoughtful questions people are asking on Summer Camp calls (we have Q & A time at the beginning, before we do The Work).

Yesterday someone asked a question I’ve heard many times.

I’ve asked it myself, directly to Katie.

What do I do if I’m doing The Work on the very same thing over and over again? What if the same thing comes up, just when I think it’s settled, or resolved?

Partner. Money. Kid. Mother. Boss.

There they go again, driving me NUTS!

I do The Work and feel lighter, more at ease with this person or thing….

….and BAM….

….the next time I’m with this person, or the next time it happens again, I’m right back where I was before. Seething, anxious, upset, worried, sad.

First, I like to say as an answer to this question….to remember, this is a process. Sometimes we learn in tiny increments. Sometimes we’re revisiting, or returning to a habitual way of thinking we’ve gone into for years—like walking the same rutted pathway again.

You should have another viewpoint of this person by now, or this entity (like money) or this activity, or place! You shouldn’t have to do The Work again on this. You should be over it.

Is that actually true? What’s going on here, anyway, that might be making the process tricky?

Later after our Summer Camp call, someone emailed me a great little synopsis of words taken right out of Byron Katie’s wonderful book Loving What Is.

This is really the manual for The Work. The How-To.

In Loving What Is, at the very back of the book, there’s a section called Q & A. Katie offers some thoughts to these exact same questions.

What does it mean if I keep needing to do The Work on the same thing over and over? I’ve done The Work many times on the same judgment, and I don’t think it’s working.

Here are Katie’s replies, summarized:

  • It doesn’t matter how often you need to do it…The issue may come back a dozen times, a hundred times. It’s always a wonderful opportunity to see what attachments are left and how much deeper you can go.
  • You’ve done The Work many times—is that true? Could it be that if the answer you think you’re looking for doesn’t appear, you simply block anything else? Are you frightened of the answer that might be underneath what you think you know? Is it possible that there’s another answer within you that could be as true or truer?
  • Do you really want to know? It could be that you’d rather stay with your statement than dive into the unknown. Blocking means rushing the process and answering with your conscious mind before the gentler polarity of min (I call it “the heart”) can answer. If you prefer to stay with what you think you know, the question is blocked and can’t have its life inside you.
  • Do you move into a story too quickly? Notice if you move into a story before letting yourself fully experience the answer and the feelings that come with it. If your answers begin with “Well, yes, but….” you’re shifting away from inquiry. Do you really want to know the truth?
  • Are you inquiring with a motive? Are you asking the questions to prove that the answer you already have is valid, even though it’s painful? Do  you want to be right more than you want to know the truth? It’s the truth that set me free. Acceptance, peace, and less attachment to a world of suffering are all effects of doing The Work. They’re not goals. Do The Work for the love of freedom, for the love of truth. If you’re inquiring with other motives, such as healing the body or solving a problem, your answer may be arising from old motives that never worked for you, and you’ll miss the wonder and grace of inquiry.
  • Are you doing the turnarounds too quickly? If you really want to know the truth, wait for the new answers to surface. Give yourself enough time to let the turnarounds find you. If you choose, make a written list of all the ways that the turnaround applies to you. The turnaround is the re-entry into life, as the truth points you to who you are without your story. It’s all done for you.
  • Are you letting the realizations you experience through inquiry life in you? Live the turnarounds, report your part to others so that you can hear it again, and make amends, for the sake of your own freedom. This will certainly speed up the process and bring freedom into your life, now.
  • Finally, can you really know that inquiry is not working?When the thing you were afraid of happens and you notice that there is little or no stress or fear–that’s when you know it’s working.

I once asked, “Katie….what should I do? I’ve done so many worksheets on this one guy I’ve been dating. I seem to remain angry, though. Anger, over and over again.”

Katie replied to me: “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry, Grace? YOU ARE!”

Oh.

Doh!

(See “are you inquiring with a motive” bullet point above).

I was thinking that if I was angry, I needed to fix that, by hook or by crook. There must be something wrong with me.

With Katie’s words, I felt the relief of permission, acceptance, awareness of this feeling called “angry” instead of having an inner plan or drive to Get Un-Angry as soon as humanly possible.

And low and behold, what I noticed later on that day, after my exchange with Katie….

….I felt like laughing at the absurdity of the way that particular relationship danced.

And it was over.

Ever since, anger has been “allowed” to visit, to come in an give me it’s amazing passionate message. With zero expectations or demands that it leave.

Strange, I don’t experience it so much anymore these days.

Much love,

Grace