When I Say Yes, When I Say No…..Love In Question

Love, attraction, romance.

It all sounds lovely, but it sure does often bring up angst, anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, rage and fear. Just a few stressful feelings!

Recently two different inquirers did The Work on opposite sides of the same coin. Both of these lovely inquirers felt unhappy and unresolved when it came to a romantic relationship they cared about.

One side of the coin: Say yes to what your partner wants. Be agreeable. If your partner asks you for something or begs you to stay….you stay. And you feel massively stuck and frustrated.

Other side of the coin: Shut that partner down. Ditch them. Leave them in the dust. Say no to what they want. And feel massively sorry, guilty and worried.

Neither option feels good, and maybe not even right.

So how do you work with this dratted “relationship” coin that has two options, and neither option feels relaxed or loving or peaceful?

The thing that will bring the most relief, and clarity?

The Work.

Situation one: You say yes. You feel compliant and like you’ve made your partner happy. But you lied, because you meant No.

What would be the worst that could happen in this situation, if you had said “no”? See the worst image (maybe it already happened in the past) and write a worksheet on that situation.

In the case of the inquirer I was facilitating, her fears were that her partner would freak out, demand long conversations, beg, manipulate, cajole, stalk.That dreadful thought….I have no choice. I have to say yes, otherwise, horror.

And what about the other situation number two: She said no, and felt furious.

What’s the worst that could happen, if she had said “yes”? She would have felt disrespected. She felt her boundaries were violated. He wasn’t safe, because he pushed. He asked too much.

Many of us have experienced BOTH of these scenarios, and felt distraught about it.

But who would we be without the stories that we might wind up somewhere dangerous, if we said yes or said no?

Wait….WHAT???!!!

I thought saying yes = avoiding pain, sorrow, guilt, conflict.

I thought saying no = keeping safe, not giving in, maintaining clear boundaries.

In relationship and romance stories, we have many ideas about what yes or no mean about love. If you care about me, you’ll say YES. If you say NO, you don’t care.

Uh, hmmmm, is that actually true?

How do you react when you think someone’s request…and your answer….means you’re loved, or not, or they’re loved, or not?

It’s easy to see with parent-child relationships. If my kids were super upset or sad about not getting something in the past before I had The Work, I’d feel torment inside, and maybe change my mind about my NO.

Thank God for The Work entering my life when they were quite young. I started saying NO and YES with so much more clarity, and it had nothing to do with whether I loved them or not–and we all knew it.

Who would you be without the belief you have to be careful with your YES, careful with your NO….and that these answers within have anything to do with love?

WOWSER!

You mean….I can simply feel what’s right for me, and either stay or go, in any situation, in any moment, with any request?

Yes.

Even if a person is saying they’ll DIE without you by their side, you can love them so much, and say “no” to their request.

Even if a person is saying you HAVE TO do it their way and you won’t or can’t, you can love them so much while saying “no” to their request.

Turning this around: I will NOT wind up somewhere dangerous, if I say YES, or if I say NO.

Could this be just as true, or truer, that I’m free to speak what feels most deeply honest in the moment, with any request set before me?

“I don’t walk around being careful about what I say. I stop for myself. I am responsible for my own heaven or hell. On the other hand, if you ask me point-blank for the truth, then I’m going to tell you. I want to give you everything I see, if you ask. The way you hear my answer is what determines whether it hurts you or helps you. So every person is responsible for himself, in the giving and receiving. I could say the most loving thing, and someone’s feelings could be hurt. The story they tell about what they think I said is how they hurt their own feelings. Nothing else is possible. If I ask you a question point-blank and you dance around it, thinking your truth will hurt me, then you’re not honoring yourself or me. To not answer honestly could leave you feeling incomplete. Can you really know that you can hurt or disappoint another person with your words?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Phew, it’s almost inconceivable.

I thought people’s words, and my words, could hurt and disappoint like crazy.

But I realize, that’s only when I think my words, my YES or my NO, have something to do with inherently loving that other person, or feeling love for myself.

The love is here, however, no matter what. Yes or No are just honest answers, matching an inner sense of truth in the moment. They even sometimes change and a YES becomes a NO, or vice versa.

Love doesn’t change. It doesn’t need someone to stay, or leave. It doesn’t need something to change, or stay the same.

I don’t need to say yes (or no) to love either that other person, or myself.

Love is here now. And now.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation [or relationship] but your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle