Tag: romance

Posted on

When I Say Yes, When I Say No…..Love In Question

Love, attraction, romance.

It all sounds lovely, but it sure does often bring up angst, anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, rage and fear. Just a few stressful feelings!

Recently two different inquirers did The Work on opposite sides of the same coin. Both of these lovely inquirers felt unhappy and unresolved when it came to a romantic relationship they cared about.

One side of the coin: Say yes to what your partner wants. Be agreeable. If your partner asks you for something or begs you to stay….you stay. And you feel massively stuck and frustrated.

Other side of the coin: Shut that partner down. Ditch them. Leave them in the dust. Say no to what they want. And feel massively sorry, guilty and worried.

Neither option feels good, and maybe not even right.

So how do you work with this dratted “relationship” coin that has two options, and neither option feels relaxed or loving or peaceful?

The thing that will bring the most relief, and clarity?

The Work.

Situation one: You say yes. You feel compliant and like you’ve made your partner happy. But you lied, because you meant No.

What would be the worst that could happen in this situation, if you had said “no”? See the worst image (maybe it already happened in the past) and write a worksheet on that situation.

In the case of the inquirer I was facilitating, her fears were that her partner would freak out, demand long conversations, beg, manipulate, cajole, stalk.That dreadful thought….I have no choice. I have to say yes, otherwise, horror.

And what about the other situation number two: She said no, and felt furious.

What’s the worst that could happen, if she had said “yes”? She would have felt disrespected. She felt her boundaries were violated. He wasn’t safe, because he pushed. He asked too much.

Many of us have experienced BOTH of these scenarios, and felt distraught about it.

But who would we be without the stories that we might wind up somewhere dangerous, if we said yes or said no?

Wait….WHAT???!!!

I thought saying yes = avoiding pain, sorrow, guilt, conflict.

I thought saying no = keeping safe, not giving in, maintaining clear boundaries.

In relationship and romance stories, we have many ideas about what yes or no mean about love. If you care about me, you’ll say YES. If you say NO, you don’t care.

Uh, hmmmm, is that actually true?

How do you react when you think someone’s request…and your answer….means you’re loved, or not, or they’re loved, or not?

It’s easy to see with parent-child relationships. If my kids were super upset or sad about not getting something in the past before I had The Work, I’d feel torment inside, and maybe change my mind about my NO.

Thank God for The Work entering my life when they were quite young. I started saying NO and YES with so much more clarity, and it had nothing to do with whether I loved them or not–and we all knew it.

Who would you be without the belief you have to be careful with your YES, careful with your NO….and that these answers within have anything to do with love?

WOWSER!

You mean….I can simply feel what’s right for me, and either stay or go, in any situation, in any moment, with any request?

Yes.

Even if a person is saying they’ll DIE without you by their side, you can love them so much, and say “no” to their request.

Even if a person is saying you HAVE TO do it their way and you won’t or can’t, you can love them so much while saying “no” to their request.

Turning this around: I will NOT wind up somewhere dangerous, if I say YES, or if I say NO.

Could this be just as true, or truer, that I’m free to speak what feels most deeply honest in the moment, with any request set before me?

“I don’t walk around being careful about what I say. I stop for myself. I am responsible for my own heaven or hell. On the other hand, if you ask me point-blank for the truth, then I’m going to tell you. I want to give you everything I see, if you ask. The way you hear my answer is what determines whether it hurts you or helps you. So every person is responsible for himself, in the giving and receiving. I could say the most loving thing, and someone’s feelings could be hurt. The story they tell about what they think I said is how they hurt their own feelings. Nothing else is possible. If I ask you a question point-blank and you dance around it, thinking your truth will hurt me, then you’re not honoring yourself or me. To not answer honestly could leave you feeling incomplete. Can you really know that you can hurt or disappoint another person with your words?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Phew, it’s almost inconceivable.

I thought people’s words, and my words, could hurt and disappoint like crazy.

But I realize, that’s only when I think my words, my YES or my NO, have something to do with inherently loving that other person, or feeling love for myself.

The love is here, however, no matter what. Yes or No are just honest answers, matching an inner sense of truth in the moment. They even sometimes change and a YES becomes a NO, or vice versa.

Love doesn’t change. It doesn’t need someone to stay, or leave. It doesn’t need something to change, or stay the same.

I don’t need to say yes (or no) to love either that other person, or myself.

Love is here now. And now.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation [or relationship] but your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

So let’s question our unhappy thoughts.

Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the worst situation you ever had with that person when they didn’t like your answer, or you didn’t like theirs.

Take the thoughts through the four questions.

Now that’s something to say YES to.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. three commuter spots available for Spring Cleaning Retreat. Stay nearby in your own cozy AirBnB or hotel room, or commute from your home. May 11-14. Let’s do The Work.

Posted on

Fire and Purification, Love and Inquiry

Valentine’s Day TeleSession 2-4:30 pm Pacific Time. Click HERE. Password: WWGVALENTINE. Donations fantastic, so helpful & not required.

It doesn’t exactly feel beautiful when someone breaks up with you, when divorce proceedings are underway, when you have a fight with your beloved, when you find yourself complaining about the same thing endlessly in a relationship.

But what I love noticing, and so grateful for, is that if it ISN’T feeling so beautiful….

….The Work is beckoning.

Today, you can join me for an online mini-retreat in doing The Work on anywhere you notice in your life you feel not-so-beautiful, especially around relationships with others.

Don’t feel you must come do The Work on couples, romance, break-ups or love-gone-wrong (although those are all really amazing things to question). Come do The Work if you notice resentment, irritation, fear, loss, or worry about anyone in your life.

Concerns about love show up in many ways.

To join me click here. Come and go as you wish, no requirement to be there 2.5 hours.

Awhile ago, I had the privilege of doing The Work with a young woman who was upset about a man who didn’t love her as much as she loved him.

They had an off-again, on-again relationship.

He would return to town (he didn’t live in the same city), they’d spend 24 hours together making love, eating, sleeping, talking….

….then he’d leave for who knows how long and she’d try to act nonchalant and regroup.

But underneath, she felt abandoned and triggered by his going, and his absences, every time.

Why doesn’t he love me that way? Why doesn’t he want me to be his girlfriend all the time? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I have a relationship like my friend? Why doesn’t anyone, including this guy, want to marry me?

And then on top of all those kinds of thoughts, she’d also think “There’s something wrong with me, I am sooo clingy, I shouldn’t be needy, I’m ridiculous, relationships trap you anyway, I prefer independence, what am I doing here?”

It’s like she’d get stuck in a side-eddy of the river swirling around between “I suck” and “he sucks”.

Deep breath.

This is a good one for inquiry.

This relationship should be different than it is.

Find that one thing you notice you believe should be different. Whether in a long-term relationship and you’re so annoyed because he doesn’t do the dishes, or you’re going through a divorce and you believe you should be together, or you’re wanting more than you get from her in a relationship, or less.

Let’s do The Work.

In this situation, the relationship should be different. It should be that other, better way. Not THIS way.

Is that true?

Yes! This way is painful, boring, irritating, not serving me! It’s TRUE!

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

The woman I was working with said “yes” she could absolutely know it was true she wanted more time, more commitment, more steadiness.

How do you react when you believe the relationship should be different than it is?

Angry. Depressed. Thinking I made a mistake. Yelling at myself that I should get over it. Furious with me. Furious with him. Sad. Begging. Trying everything to get it the way I want it.

So who would you be without your belief that this relationship should be different, that it should change in that situation for you to be happy?

Woah. But.

I can’t be happy with the relationship the way it is! I’d be ignoring my complaints! I couldn’t! I wouldn’t!

Slow down, though.

To not have this thought doesn’t mean you will never have the love you want, or the peace you crave. But in that situation, right when he doesn’t call back, or she forgot to meet you, or he left town again, or she was critical….

….Who would you be if you couldn’t have the belief it should be different, better, another way?

Wow. It drops a whole massive weighted layer of expectation and frees up other possibilities, at least for me. No one person needing to be any different, or do more than they do. No pushing, pulling, arguing with what is.

When I did this work with the young woman suffering from her un-committed relationship, she felt more of an unknown in that moment, without the thought.

She wasn’t very excited about other possibilities, especially other relationships, but she didn’t need to be. She simply noticed her own pretty apartment, her passion for her career, the way she sometimes would completely forget all people and get drawn into a project, the way her friends would come and go and she didn’t have the same feelings when THEY left (good to notice).

For me, I notice when I don’t think someone should be different, here I am taking a walk, doing The Work with people, buying groceries, going to yoga, vacuuming, teaching a class, writing….

….without any thought that something’s missing.

Even clients I work with should be exactly as they are, right in that moment in time.

Turning the thought around: this relationship should NOT be different than it is. It should be exactly like this. How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, first of all, it’s teaching me about deep attachment, expectations, demands I have inside that someone else should change so that I feel more happy, or comfortable.

I want to be the one to notice, and accept, and change, and move where I’m drawn….without enormous suffering or dreadful sorrow.

Another turnaround: My relationship with myself (in that situation with that other person) should be different. I should be more committed to myself, I should connect with me, I should express my preferences, I should do the things I like to do.

I could do all this by myself, or with this other person! I can ask for what I want, and hear without resentment if the answer is no from the other.

And finally, I should be different with this other person. If I want them to be more committed, could I be more committed, connected and clear with them? If I want them to be less clingy, could I be less clingy, demanding or needy with them? If I want them to quit “x” can I quit doing “x” with my thoughts about them?

This never means you should put up with something, or that you should twist yourself into a pretzel, or withhold information or the truth, or work even harder.

I love that it simply brings freedom if you are not arguing with reality, and wishing for something Other Than What Is.

As I look around the room in that situation I was questioning where that other person was doing it differently than I thought I wanted….

….I notice how much I love that room, the air, the lights, the distant sounds, the colors, the feelings, the quiet stillness, my heart beating.

I know the universe and reality has it handled far better than I could ever handle it. I can trust what’s going on, instead of fight it.

And if there’s a fight….The Work.

“Humility is our natural response to seeing what’s true about ourselves. When we judge others and question that judgment, then turn it around to ourselves, that is the fire and the purification. Our knees buckle, and we learn how sweet it is to lose–how that is the winning. That’s what The Work is about. Some people call it forgiveness. I call it sanity.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 221.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

The universe has got this

Work With Grace
“I got this” says the Universe.

One of my best friends, several years ago, left me a voicemail.

She was in a waiting room before going to the chiropractor, looking at a magazine.

She opened it to an article that read “the three sexiest words a man can ever say to a woman….”

I waited with baited breath.

What are the words?

Tell me!

“I Got This.”

I took this in.

Almost immediately, within less than two seconds, I had a picture in my mind of someone like James Bond, or Jason Bourne, or Dwayne Johnson standing next to me and saying it.

“Dang….that’s true,” I thought, seeing the image.

And guess where some voice in my mind went next?

“I’ve never heard this before! I’m missing out! I need to hear this!”

My husband isn’t superman, my previous boyfriends weren’t wealthy movie stars….where is the I-Got-This sexy man?!?!

Instant imagination coming to life, noticing what’s missing.

Isn’t this funny?

And sometimes, not so funny when you feel really sure you’re missing out in a relationship.

I work with people all the time on this kind of belief when it comes to partnership, romance, love, attraction.

They’re missing something. There’s a greener pasture somewhere else (where a man is saying the sexiest three words, for example). Their true mate isn’t here. They’re lonely.

Oh, and on top of this, they should love being by themselves, rather than wanting a partner.

You can’t win!

But let’s look, with inquiry.

There’s an amazing 3-word-speaking perfect partner out there, and I need him.

Is that true?

LOL. No.

But don’t find your answer too fast….really contemplate and answer the question. Take your time.

How do you react when you believe you need that imaginary partner who’s out there somewhere?

Frustrated. Comparing my current partner with the ideal version (which doesn’t exist, I notice, except in the movies or my imagination). Dreaming of what life would be like if a man said “I got this” and handled an entire stressful situation….like all the money, all the household broken items, building stuff, working on the car, making big business deals, keeping out bad guys, identifying con men, managing the territory.

I know, I know. This is a super hetero-disney version of conditioning about men.

You find your own ideal mate, though, whatever this person looks or acts like. They are brilliant, affirming, supportive, sexy, awesome. Your ideal. Over there.

Not here.

So who would you be without this story?

Who would you be without the belief you want the guy who says those three words!

Who would you be without the thought your perfect mate is not around, and you need them to be. You need to be “in” a partnership, and it’s not the one you’re in?

This does NOT mean you SHOULD stay with the partner you’re already with. It doesn’t ever mean that. It also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue an interesting partner. If it’s fun, then how fabulous is that?

This work is about identifying the pieces that are stressful, the beliefs you feel enraged about, or like you’re a victim and it’s not fair and you never get the good stuff.

Who would you be without this story?

Free to come and go, choose and not choose, love and be loved, move over there, return back here, be delighted with, laugh, enjoy, play, celebrate, do things with and then without, feel thrilled with your own company.

Nothing missing.

Everything moving, unfolding, morphing, changing.

Turning the thought around….

I am NOT missing out. I am hearing, feeling, noticing “I Got This!” constantly.

It’s called the Universe/Source/Reality/Love/Life.

Reality, the universe, has got this.

Oh. Right.

People come and go, but reality ALWAYS has this. Can I see and feel the support of the entire world, without feeling like anything is missing? Without pining for what is not? Without thinking what IS here is not enough?

Wow.

Another turnaround: I’ve got this. Me. I am the great supporter and lover of myself. My own amazing super-hero partnership of this apparently individual person here in this life, now. I am connected to all that is, and a part of it, and it’s all handled.

Nothing I can do about it.

“Everything is set up here for your freedom. Everything is here to serve self-realization. When you need a partner, if you need a partner, you’ll have one. And for now, you have a partner. (Pointing to her own head). You can’t get away from this (mind). We don’t have people-partners….we have this (mind)…..

….Once we know what love is in ourselves, it’s immovable. ‘I love’. It’s yours. Who is one loving? You are. When someone says ‘i love you Katie’ I am so happy for them.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie Retreat

You are the one you’ve been waiting for, silence is the one you’ve been waiting for, life is the one you’ve been waiting for. No waiting required.

Now.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. The sixth month in Year of Inquiry is about romantic love. No matter when it’s happened, no matter what you’ve experienced, anything left un-finished or un-resolved. It’s such a big topic, right? That’s why we spend a month on it. Registration closes August 31st at midnight for doing the work for an entire year with a small group. We’re finding out how the universe…..has got this.

Posted on

Working With That Crazy Question: Who Would You BE?

animals-fighting
With your stressful love stories….trouble. Without your stressful love stories….who would you be?

A Grace Notes reader emailed me the other day with a fantastic question.

“I also want to ask you about the phrase “who would you be without that thought?”….I’m glad you didn’t use that here. I struggle with that phrase as it seems too philosophical for me to grasp, manage, decipher. Please help me with that phrase. It gets me stuck every time….it feels too big, too much….BE. It can easier grasp what would I think, feel, believe….Any ideas here? LOL.”

I so love her honesty and request for sincere help.

I have to admit….

….I’ve had the same kind of confusion about answering that fourth question in The Work.

What do you mean “who would you BE????!!!”

Dang.

I’d be someone else! Not me!

But after years of working with this thought, I’ve got some *awesome* suggestions, some of which might help you enter the space of this question.

First, the answer to this question in some situations does feel as far away as the other side of the Grand Canyon.

If I’m really upset, if I’m troubled and angry and terrified….

….it’s hard to even imagine being without my stressful thoughts.

They’re all screaming full blast at me, I can hardly hear anything else.

You know what I’m talkin’ about, right?

But I love that in this moment now, when I’m doing The Work and wondering about my reaction and my suffering…..

…..I am remembering a situation from the past.

In the very moment that I’m remembering, I’m quite safe.

Look around.

Just notice first, you are very safe when you have memories. It’s safe to remember this situation, because it’s over.

These pictures in your head, of the way that person behaved or what they said or what email they sent that scared you, aren’t actually happening RIGHT NOW.

Good to know. Good to notice.

I’m interested in cleaning up my past imprints, all the things I pushed inside myself and have stuck there, and now….I’m taking a look.

So I let the movie play.

I see that person vividly in my mind, doing what they did, saying those mean words.

I notice how my stomach starts to feel sick right here in the present moment, but I also notice again (over and over again) that the actual event is over. It’s not happening right now.

You can let yourself have the support of noticing this, in this moment, as you do your inquiring work.

Now….I take a look at this question “who would I be without my stressful thought?”

I imagine actually being someone or something else. You know how I thought I’d be someone else, not me?

Well….how might someone else be, without this same stressful thought?

It’s simply good to notice, without berating or criticizing yourself, that other humans have likely had your same thought, and similar experiences, and they’re OK now.

They might be very OK. They might feel free, even if horrible things happened to them.

These are actual examples of being without the stressful thought.

You get to notice that you, too, are a human and therefore capable of also living your life without the suffering you’ve endured in the situation you’re thinking about.

If you can believe a thought, you can un-believe it too.

If you can’t even imagine being a human, without your stressful thought, then I love imagining what it’s like to be a tree, or a cat, or a rock.

How do these entities in nature, these alive existing organisms BE, without thought?

How does a tree feel, even if someone is yelling at it?

And….as this amazing reader suggested….

….I consider slowly how I would feel without my stressful thoughts? How would I move? What would I do? What would I notice, without this stressful thought?

How would I walk down the street? How would I do my laundry? How would I drive to the gym? How would I hang out with my friends….or family….without my thought?

How would I stand there, in the person’s presence (who I’m doing The Work on) without my thought?

You get to use your imagination.

If you think you don’t have a good imagination….

….who’s imagining that story from the past, into the present right now?

Your imagination is excellent. You just need to give it some new options you never thought of before.

Some fear-free options, some funny options, some humorous options, some life-affirming options, some neutral options.

You don’t even need to know what to do.

All you need to do is wonder what it would be like to be sitting in a chair, remembering a stressful situation, without running away from it or getting super worked up, or falling into pure reaction.

If you want, you can take a week to wonder how you’d feel without your stressful thought.

You can see which aspect of being you love to consider the most without your thought? Do you like to wonder what you’d do, or say, or feel, or see without your thought?

All of this wrapped up together creates who you would be.

And I love breaking it down into bite sized pieces, not a huge big wide heady philosophical question that seems far away in outer space.

“In Life, the transformation occurs in the process. This is, no doubt, why the ego-identity maintenance strategy is so focused on preventing us from ever getting started or keeping to a program of any kind…..The process IS the outcome.” ~ Cheri Huber

Good news.

Wondering and imagining what it would be like to be a fly on the wall in your stressful situation, or a flower, or a rock, or a tree, or a person, or then, YOU….is all you need to enter transformation.

Nothing more required.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Tomorrow….Online Retreat on Love Stories. Come with any love story that feels painful. Only $37 for 3 hours. We’ll do The Work, and practice using our imaginations, and hearing from each other, what it might be like to be without our thought.

Register HERE. Don’t let funds hold you back–if you want to join, write me (just hit reply).

Posted on

Being Completely Loved Doesn’t Depend on Him/Her

LoveStories2-2016Of the Top Ten Suffering Hits….

….you know, the experiences we humans have that take us to our knees in pain….

….Love is up there.

Romantic love, coupled love, commitment, jealousy, rebellion, anger.

So many times people have come to work with me because of love-gone-wrong.

If it’s not a break up or divorce, then it’s extreme irritation with the one you’re actually with, whether dating them or living with them for 30 years.

Our partners offer tremendous opportunity to look and feel, and question what we believe is real.

And I mean whatever partner you have.

Whether you dated them twice, or hung out with them for most of your life.

And all these experiences with partners (I know some of us have many)?

They can sometimes add up to Big Global Statements about Love.

People say things like the following (I probably have said them all myself at some point):

  • marriage is completely ridiculous, a business deal for asset sharing
  • partners are so great, they help you feel connected to the universe
  • romance, sexuality, lust, ecstasy are highly desired and I must find them at every available opportunity
  • staying in one relationship is super boring
  • staying in one relationship is impossible
  • staying in one relationship is heaven
  • when someone breaks up with you, it’s pure hell
  • long-term relationships are an achievement
It’s awesome to say whatever you say about relationships….
….it’s what you’re feeling and observing in any given moment in time.
But when it causes doubt, a feeling of betrayal, disappointment, or rage….
….you might want to take a good look with inquiry.
Is what you’re thinking really true?
Is it true all the time?
Are you sure what you think means what you think it means?
Do you really need to “x” (leave, stay, get married, find a partner)?
Before you rush in with your answer, I love doing The Work first.
The mind goes all over the map. It can actually oppose itself, depending on what you’re looking at.
Today, it sucks you’re stuck in a marriage. Tomorrow, it sucks he left you.
Who would you really be, in this moment right now, without your thoughts about couples, or romantic love (the ones that hurt–keep the good ones)?
Who would you be right now without the belief that other people should agree with you and hold the same beliefs, otherwise….
Otherwise….what?
Who would you be without the belief that there is danger anywhere, lurking in the background, ready to pounce when it comes to love, falling in love, romance, sex, attraction, wanting, desire, playing, leaving and staying?
Well.
I don’t know about you, but at first…..
….I could hardly find it.
There are so many thoughts about what is right and what is wrong, and so much suffering.
Not long ago, someone close to me confessed his desire to divorce his wife of over 20 years.
He already had another lover.
Many people would think in our culture based on the “rules” that this is bad, bad, bad.
He should have waited to move towards someone else.
But the outcome…..is the SAME.
There is movement outward, to a new life, to a new experience.
Who would you be without the thought people shouldn’t move on to new relationships? In whatever way it takes?
How do you know it’s not a good thing, ultimately?
One of the best things that ever happened to me in my life was my former husband deciding to leave the marriage.
He never left me as a friend and someone connected deeply. We still spend every holiday together with our kids and our new partners. He is a very sweet man, and I’m pretty sure both of us are entirely clear about what an amazing, brave move he made ten years ago to part ways.
It did take me to my knees.
And that….in turn….
….took me to myself in a way I had always dreamed of but never knew I could reach.
The freedom I feel in the center of learning not to be against what happened, or happens, in relationship….
….is truly awe-inspiring.
Your turnarounds could look like this, and you might bust out laughing at the brilliance of it all.
  • marriage is in the mind and doesn’t really matter, it’s whatever you make it
  • partners dismantling your relationship are so great, they help you feel connected to the universe
  • romance, sexuality, lust, ecstasy are highly desired and there is no need to hunt for them….this moment is glorious with myself
  • staying in one relationship is super exciting
  • staying in one relationship is possible
  • staying in one relationship is heaven (the one with YOU)
  • when someone breaks up with you, it’s pure heaven
  • long-term relationships are equal to short-term, there is no “achievement” when it comes to love

If you’re not too sure about any of this, come join me to investigate love relationships that feel weird, stressful, uncertain, dangerous or unsatisfying.

Friday afternoon we’re gonna have a love-investigation fest. Three hours 2-5 pm Pacific Time.
Click HERE to register.

When you investigate, I find you make the most genius moves and choices. You roll with what is presented. You don’t need to control what can’t be controlled anymore.

What a relief.

“When you truly love yourself, it’s not possible to project that other people don’t love you. I like to say, ‘When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.’ This gets a big laugh from audiences. People seem to be delighted at how easy it is to feel completely loved, and they see, if only for a moment, that it doesn’t depend on anyone outside.” ~ Byron Katie Newsletter Valentine’s Day 2009

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Who is truly hurt here?

LOVEletters
Join me for an online date Friday February 12th…questioning love stories

I get a lot of emails these days.

(Don’t we all).

And I’ve received many lately from people with powerful concerns about the implications of Loving What Is.

Especially when we hear about terrible suffering.

What if “what is”…..

…..is absolutely horribly devastating?

Maybe it’s in the past and not happening now, but you clearly have the memories. They still haunt you.

When you see the visions of what occurred, you want to run for your life! You want to stop thinking about them. You feel nauseated.

As I began to do The Work after I first read Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is, I really sensed the power of self-inquiry. I knew I was perceiving many situations as stressful, to say the least.

I got that this work is about the relief I could experience by realizing I don’t always know what’s 100% true. Hardly ever.

But I saw some circumstances in the world as so brutal and awful it was hard to even think about them at all. No one could ever “love what is” in those situations….ever, ever.

Right?

Even to think someone could, I had the thought that person was nuts. In denial. Wrong. Lacking compassion.

But as I practiced The Work over time, I grew aware that I put some events and situations in a special category.

The category of SICK, BAD, FOREVER WRONG.

Those things we won’t touch.

Sometimes, it’s not possible to love what is. Not for those terrible things, it just isn’t.

But one day, for some strange reason, after doing The Work for awhile on people who I found annoying, and situations I found personally difficult…..

…..I wanted to investigate on a grander scale.

Something inside me knew that if I refused to ever look at these destructive situations, these frightening events, the things I heard about happening to other people that made me feel horror…..

…..I would never truly “get” entirely “loving what is”.

Last weekend Byron Katie was in Seattle, as many of you know, and she spent the day with 750 people, including me.

An incredibly brave woman went up to the stage and sat with Katie in front of all the people in the room and read her worksheet, and then did her work, on surviving sexual violence and abuse during childhood.

After her session with Katie was over, someone stood up in the balcony and shouted, “I can’t take this! It is so wrong! There are some things that are simply unforgivable!”

This equally courageous woman in the balcony had a microphone handed to her, and she shared with us all how she was shaking and feeling horrified.

How it could ever be OK for someone to go through the abusive experience the woman on stage had just described? She was almost in tears.

I think she spoke for many people right there in the room.

She spoke for many people in the world.

She spoke for me, exactly as I had seen it ten years ago while I contemplated all the terrible things humans do to one another. The violence, war, hatred, prejudice, abuse, condemnation, bombs, beatings, rape.

It’s happening right now in the world, in many places.

How could this be acceptable, this story we just heard of dark, dreadful abuse perpetrated by an adult against a child?

How could we be open to loving what is, are you f&%ing kidding me??!

But watch what the mind is doing.

It’s screaming No, No, No, No, No!

It is so terrified, it curls up in a little ball and wants to disappear. It rages against what is.

We think “loving what is” means we are totally OK with what happened.

But that’s not what Byron Katie or The Work is suggesting.

Ever.

What I’ve found by questioning my thinking and my troubling stories to be, is a doorway into Peace Beyond Beliefs.

I don’t have to defend, I don’t have to “know” what’s right or wrong.

I already know what feels right or wrong, it’s in my very being at the core. I feel the love that is holy, untouched, beautiful and available to everyone. I feel the hatred and tightness and terror the mind can conjure up, the desperation and emptiness.

As I looked in my own life at these difficult situations experienced by humanity, I’ve seen that the perpetrators are also suffering every single time there is abuse and violence.

The haters are not having a good time. The haters are not excited and happy about life. They do not feel a trust of the world and reality.

They also feel small, unimportant, powerless, left behind, hurt, forgotten, damaged, desperate.

Byron Katie famously suggests “defense is the first act of war.”

I looked.

What I see is when I hate someone, or I hate a situation….I hate God, I hate Reality, I hate my circumstances, I hate Those People, I hate All This.

Is this hatred…..all that is, in these horrible situations?

Is it the Truth?

I’m not saying the terrible thing didn’t happen.

I’m just saying I noticed in this mental world of duality, the mind put those experiences and situations and people in the category of WRONG. They were in the category of un-save-able. They were in the category of evil and hell.

How do you react when there’s a dark place in the universe you need to stay away from? That place you KNOW is bad, wrong, sick, evil and terrible?

I spend time making sure I’m defended against “it”.

I’m relying on my own personal thinking to warn me. I’m trusting a small little corner of thought, not the big grand picture. I’m forgetting about love. I’m unaware of the power of forgiveness, compassion, acceptance and rebirth to be possible IN ALL THINGS.

How do you react when you think love can’t help THAT situation (the evil one)?

Horrified. Terrified. Acquiring weapons and arms and building up a fortress of defense. Protecting myself.

Acting like I know better than God.

I know what’s wrong….and God made a mistake by “allowing” this terrible thing to happen.

Who would you be without the belief that you know best? Better than Reality or God or Life?

All I know is, I find a sense of bizarre rest within, where I don’t know why or wherefore or what or how these events and circumstances exist in the human condition…..

…..and I see the suffering very acutely…..

…..but I feel how I am safe right now, I am surrendered to What Is in this moment, I am already accepting what is.

I don’t want to put anyone to death or force anyone into hell.

That’s not my job.

Even if my mind has taken that on, as if it IS my job.

Without the belief that I can’t overcome what appears awful, I actually turn and face the perpetrator. I stay in the room. I become fearless. I wait.

I surrender.

I let Life (God) handle the overwhelming situation.

Meanwhile, I begin to find actual rebirth that comes out of the ashes of violence.

I learn about all the awesome things that come out of terrible things…..

…..and what people discover when they question their need to dictate what is evil and what is not.

“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is.” ~ Byron Katie

Let peace begin with me.

That way, I know it will happen.

I don’t have to wait anymore.

You can love what is.

Look around you.

Even though terrible things happened….are they happening right now?

Except for your thinking, it’s over.

Stop being the perpetrator of your own suffering.

Question it.

“Who would you rather be–Jesus, who knew who he really was and recognized deep acceptance in his own experience, or his torturers, ignorant of their true nature, totally identified as false images, and deeply at war with themselves? Who would you rather be, the perpetrator or the victim? And who is the real victim–the one who hurts others because of deeply unaccepted pain or the one who experiences pain but knows who he really is within that experience? Who is truly hurt here?” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Do you feel hurt, or at odds, with Couple-Ness? Whether you’re single or partnered or alternating between both….come question your stressful thoughts about romantic love. Online Love Marathon in preparation for VALENTINE’S Day! Friday February 12th. Join for a 3 hour Live Inquiry Session on LOVE Relationships. Question your thinking, enjoy Valentine’s Day. Click HERE to register and join.

Posted on

Bring the truth home about love–The Cleanse day #3

the freedom of questioning love….it grows

On a third day anywhere new, most people begin to feel more at home.

The basics are handled.

If I’m staying someplace for 3 days, by then I know where the bathrooms are, the closest places to get food or water, the quiet areas, where I can run or walk or exercise, what the neighborhood is like where I’m staying.

Being at the Cleanse, I’ve also found that my own mind after three days listening to The Work relaxes, opens, becomes comfortable with unraveling itself.

Willing to slow down, to stop.

To love what is.

Yesterday we heard from a woman whose daughter was murdered, a man who believed his wife kicks him when he’s down, and an incredible restaurant owner who has felt agony because of factory farms for meat, GMOs and corporations.

Another woman also investigated the belief that her son hates school, and a daughter did The Work on her needy elderly mother.

In the middle of all this powerful inquiry….

….Katie gave us all an exercise.

Do a positive worksheet, rather than the customary “negative” worksheet where you capture negative and stressful thoughts about a situation on paper.

Wow, how fascinating!

I have found, over the years, that ultimately what self-inquiry offers is the freedom to question all thought. Even thoughts that seem positive.

Anything the mind perceives can be questioned. It’s a more fluid, wild, magical world this way.

But I had never done Katie’s exercise.

She guided everyone through:

Remember a moment in time when you felt love for someone.

You said “I love you”.

Picture that moment vividly.

I pictured a sweet moment with my daughter. I saw images flashing through of my husband, my son, my mom, my sisters, my friends.

I tell a lot of people I love them. I feel my heart surge and I am deeply touched. I also hear “I love you” from a lot of people, too.

I felt no stress with thinking of this kind of moment, at least that’s what I thought initially.

But I love that Katie made the suggestion. She wanted us to consider the freedom of not having to know what’s going on, or to label something “love”.

The idea of love certainly does seem to cause a lot of turmoil in peoples’ lives. I felt very willing to go along with the exercise.

So….let’s take a closer look right now.

Is it true that you loved that person?

Simply notice. If you said “yes” can you absolutely know it’s true?

Are you sure you loved that person?

It’s totally OK to still say “yes”.

I found as I sat slowly with the inquiry…..I’m not even sure. Do I even know what love is? How do I know to say it? Why do I say it to some people, and not others? What is it I have to know about someone, or feel about them, in order to say it?

How do you react when you believe “I love you!”

People called out from the audience how they reacted. They said what they pictured, what they hoped for, what they expected, what they dreamed of when they said “I love you”.

Maybe you want to hear “I love you” back. Maybe you’re expressing your pleasure and approval of that person. Maybe you’re hoping this moment will last forever. Maybe you want that person to know they are loved, so they feel good (and you feel good).

Amazing to consider what love actually means.

Huh.

Imagine not knowing exactly what “love” is?

I suddenly became aware of love being a deep warmth, an energy, something present all the time, with everyone, and everything….and inexplicable. Not definable. Mysterious. Not attached to specific people.

Woah.

Wow.

So who would you be without the belief “I love you” in that situation?

People called out from the audience again.

Free. Expansive. Full of joy.  Not obligated. No expectations. Satisfied. Grounded.

At peace.

Turning the thought around: I love myself. I do not love you. I love everyone. I love. I.

 

For some reason, this was the way my turnarounds unfolded.

 

I considered them all, wondering about them, saying them out loud. Finding examples of them. Feeling how they could be just as true, or truer, in this world of duality.

It’s been very true that I don’t love you when you say something mean or frightening, or act crazy or troubling. I don’t love you when you leave me. I don’t love you when you criticize me. I don’t love you when I feel pain in our relationship.

Was it really love, then?

It had conditions….is that love?

“Personalities don’t love-they want something.” ~ Byron Katie

Katie’s said it before, but she said it again yesterday during the exercise.

Turning it around again: I love myself, in that situation when I say I love you to someone.

I’m always supporting (or trying to) what’s best for me, and my relationship to the universe, and this is all I can do really.

Everywhere I go, I’m there. I’m always there!

I am my best companion–there’s nothing I can actually do about it!

Another turnaround: I love everyone. I love life. I love humanity. I love this incredible world, this astonishing journey.

And then….there is no “you” and no “me” and no specific thing called “love” that is special in only that moment with me being the one doing it and saying it’s true.

Love is.

Everywhere. Any time.

With everyone.

And when it’s not….The Work.

“Bring the truth home to yourself and begin to set yourself free. It’s no longer necessary to wait for people or situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony. The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

Posted on

Our Wonderful Romance

It has to be good, it must go the way I want, I want it to unfold like this (not that), this needs to be fun, it better be right.

Nervous about romance? Teleclass starting Thursday 1/22 to question your stressful thinking, and change your life when it comes to partners---long term, broken-up, dating, divorced, confused---every difficult situation can be lightened through The Work of Byron Katie
Nervous about romance? Teleclass starting Thursday 1/22 to question your stressful thinking, and change your life when it comes to partners—long term, broken-up, dating, divorced, confused—every difficult situation can be lightened through The Work of Byron Katie

Have you ever had these ideas about something coming up on your calendar?

Oh boy.

When it goes well, it’s awesome! Hand clapping! Yay! I must be doing something right!

And if it doesn’t.

Oh rats.

This is terrible. A sinking feeling. Depressed, disappointed, worried, unhappy. I must be doing something wrong!

Last week I had many people writing to me about the upcoming teleclass on “sexuality”, but few people committing to join.

This is the ONLY teleclass where people are so hesitant, in comparison to the other teleclasses I teach on food, parenting, relationships, illness/death and money.

People are skittish, nervous.

Do we have to say everything out loud, someone asked?

Once during the very first session, someone said they wrote in their notebook today’s date, and The “S” Teleclass.

She couldn’t write “Sexuality”.

I might need to name it something different….like The Work of Byron Katie on attraction, touch, romance and lovers.

In fact, that sounds pretty good!

Why didn’t I think of that before??!!

But even as I consider new names for the class, or new ways to offer or help on this topic, or new ways to show up as a guide on the road to the end of suffering around romance, lust and attraction…

….I can even do The Work on the idea that changing this teleclass neeeeeeeds to happen.

What if the way it is going is just right?

Who would I be without the belief that it needs to go “well”, be full of participants sooner than later, be popular, that people should get how awesome this class is, people shouldn’t feel worried about talking about *s–*?

How would I really feel without the thought that the way its going is wrong, or it could be better another way than this?

Woah.

What an eye-opener.

Suddenly…without the belief that the class should be filling sooner, people should jump at the chance to speak openly about sexual feelings, I remember how it feels to not think anything should be any different than it is.

Quite stunning really.

Not one thing out of place. Can you get a taste of it?

What if the pain, the things you don’t like, your daily routines or people you feel out of sorts with, are really allowed to be as they are?

What if you didn’t resist them, or argue about them, or complain, or fight? What if it could all be here?

Even my resistance itself, what if that was OK, too?

“It isn’t getting what we want that makes us happy. It’s being happy with whatever we experience–or perhaps I should say, being happy regardless what we experience. To some people this will sound like a defeatist attitude, settling for mediocrity rather than striving for more. Yet nothing in the statement says that we can’t strive, or create any number of activities or experiences. Simply that we are happy with whatever we experience, even the striving.” ~ Peter Ralston in The Book of Not Knowing

I turn the beliefs around to try them on: It does NOT have to be “good”, it must go the way it goes, I want it to unfold like this and no other way, this needs to NOT be fun, if it isn’t. 

How could I find just a drop of openness to these thoughts, instead of their opposites that I was automatically thinking before?

Well.

I certainly notice it’s more fun to lighten up about the way this thing is going, that’s for dang sure.

The way it’s going shows me what not to pursue, what to drop, if there’s a turn needed along the path.

The way my class is going, for example, shows me there’s something not yet understood about the laughter and lightness possible when doing The Work on romance, or who-is-doing-what- in-the-bedroom…..

…..and I can express what its like more clearly, or make it safer.

Can you find examples of why the way your thing is going is just perfect (even your romantic relationship status) how there might be advantages (even if it doesn’t seem like it) or how you benefit by the way its unfolding?

Share them with me, I’d love to hear.

And meanwhile….

….if you have a broken heart, or struggle, or sadness about something that’s gone down around romance or physical touch, or your expectations about it are getting shattered….

….then you may want to consider joining a small group of journeyers along the path to deeply question your thoughts about sexuality and romance.

This includes people sleeping with you, people sleeping with other people, people making that strange move you didn’t get, you not being happy or thrilled, you feeling bereft or anxious, him acting weird, her acting weird, you feeling worried about what to say.

Anything stressful is the perfect situation for inquiry.

If you can un-do your painful beliefs (notice I said painful beliefs–you can keep the fun, exciting ones) then you may find a whole new world of possibilities when it comes to partnership and love, right in front of you.

We’re starting this coming Thursday at 10 am Pacific Time for 90 minutes. We meet 8 weeks. This class MAY be for Women Only, if enough interested women really want that boundary. I do have interested men, so speak up today (write grace@workwithgrace.com) to ask questions or find out more.

I give you time, respect and attention as a facilitator of The Work.

YOU free your mind.

Click here to read more, or register.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

He Shouldn’t Lean Away And Other Lies About Lovers

animals-fightingI was so excited and happy, full of anticipation.

I had been seeing a man who I thought was gorgeous, smart, clever and creative.

We had quite a few dates out, a few fancy dinners. We went to see some of the latest hip bands in cool downtown venues. We went to an art opening. We had a barbecue by the water during the luscious summer months, which turned into a bonfire on the beach late into the night, just the two of us talking.

Last night he had invited me to dinner on a Saturday.

At his house.

Hand clapping, beating heart. I liked where this was going!

I had spent the night.

This very morning, I had to get up super early and head for a previous commitment. But I had been giddy with attraction, slipping out his front door at dawn after whispering goodbye in his ear.

I felt like when you drink several cups of coffee.

Only much better.

Waves of the fun night before would wash through me. And now, it was evening on Sunday, after both of us had spent the day apart after our first night together.

I was on my way back to his house for a light supper of leftovers, he said, but an early night.

Yes….I really liked what was happening. This was fun, fun, fun.

Until.

As he opened that same front door that I had softly opened and closed about 12 hours earlier at the crack of dawn, I saw a strained look.

Oh. He didn’t embrace me, or even kiss me on the cheek.

I asked how his day was.

He said a few words, I followed him into his kitchen. He chatted a little. We went to the back patio to sit until the food was ready. He sat down on wrought iron chair that looked big enough for two, I sat right next to him, very close.

He leaned away, gazed off at the neighbor’s house. As in leaning *away*. Pretty obvious.

“That was kind of weird last night” he said. “I guess we’ve now experienced friends-with-benefits.”

Thunk.

What did he just say?

My heart dove.

Later, and very fortunately, I had The Work…

…so I could take this situation to inquiry.

Even though my head was screaming “How could I have gotten this so wrong? What an idiot I am,” and other thoughts all attacking me.

But have you ever noticed when you berate yourself, you’re missing very important clarity about what you actually think is true?

What I thought was true was I was being rejected.

It hurt.

I crunched down and really looked.

Who would I be without the belief that he should think any tiny little thing between us, including my specialness (or lack of specialness), should be any different?

Without the belief I was being rejected?

Without the belief it needed to go any differently?

I realized I would be filled with gratitude about our time together….

….and also move on to focus on other interesting men, other datable men, maybe men wanting more connection and conversation and time together than this one.

Nothing wrong with this particular man, at all. I could simply notice “oh…got it…” and have fun moving on with joyful anticipation.

Wow, what a relief to find this didn’t have to mean anything about me.

Ha ha!

The heavy weight from my heart lifted like a big hot air balloon floating into the sky.

“You’re the one who believes this lie that hurts so much. I hear from you that if you didn’t believe it, you’d be happy. And when you do believe it, you pry and demand. So how can your husband [or lover] be a problem? You’re trying to alter reality. This is confusion. I’m a lover of reality. I can always count on it. And I love that it can change, too. But I’m a lover of realty just the way it is now.” ~ Byron Katie 

Turns out, I did move on to other brilliant datable men. What an adventure!

One of them, I married.

Because that was, and is, so fun for me.

If you’re stuck in painful stories about who you should, or should not, be attracted to….or who should, or should not, be attracted to you….

….then come join the fun in Our Wonderful Sexuality, the teleclass that begins January 22nd.

It’s safe. It’s honest. It’s a breath of fresh air for sure.

At least, it has been for me.

If teleclasses are not your style, just begin with identifying your troubling beliefs about getting hurt.

You may find some relief, or total liberation.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Be Still And Want What You Want

If you’re wanting to join the truly wonderful circle of inquiry that happens in the luscious Breitenbush Hotsprings (for our 4th year) then NOW is the time to call Breitenbush for your reservations.Click here to get all the information and the phone number to register.

Housing choices get filled up very fast for this incredible time of year at Breitenbush (June 25-29, 2014). An amazing place to experience relaxation of body, mind and spirit in pristine forest. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals.

****

Many people who contact me for self-inquiry have a common stressful belief. It starts with a very simple idea.

I need a partner.  

Then there are also variations on this theme: I need a better partner than the one I have, I need to be back with the previous partner I had before.  

Even if you are not concerned with looking at ending or beginning a relationship, but instead there is a little rift in your thoughts where longing arises, or upset because of past choices, or a reaching for that one that got away…..

….Is it true, that you need to add this Other to your life? Are you sure that would be an improvement?

Many people answer “no”. They are aware they do not “need” a partner. They realize there are benefits for their life, freedom, independence, autonomy, making a partnership with something other than an individual human, like their art.

But sometimes, people are afraid that if they don’t feel concern for finding a mate, they won’t even try.

Fine, I know I don’t neeeeeed someone. Forget it then.

Is that true, though?

What would it be like noticing that you think you would have a ball with a companion, enjoy yourself, connect intimately, explore someone else’s world along with your own?

What might happen if you talked about your concerns with that imperfect partner you have? What if you got crazy honest, about what you really, really want, without expectations?

How do you react when you think you don’t really need anyone, you shouldn’t really bring that difficult subject up with your spouse, it’s better if you put a lid on your interests instead of getting into all the mucky messy partner-hunting stuff?

Stuck in an in-between place. Wanting then not-wanting. Not really doing anything. Settling for this, the way it is.

But who would you be without the belief that what you want is hard to find, without any expectations for anything whatsoever, without needing a partner at all?

You may be surprised.

When it really doesn’t matter one way or another…who would you be without the thought that you need a partner?

Some people report that they either feel joyfully thrilled in their single-ness OR they become joyfully thrilled about getting to know tons of interesting, new, fabulous people.

“You know that the basic condition of the egoic self is of a very deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete. One of the main areas where it looks to fulfill that lack is in Relationship, the Other Person, He or She. He or She is The One. It’s painful. There’s a tendency for the mind to weave all kinds of fantasies, all kinds of stories, a very painful self-image of ‘me’. What is called love is the deep-seated need of the ego, that focuses on one form…… 

…..We need to acknowledge that there are personal affinities. But in themselves, they are never ultimately fulfilling. More often than not, they are a source of suffering. Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief that a partner is better than no partner, or that no partner is safer or better than a partner, then companions arrive and it’s fun, companions go and it’s OK, every way is good.

Byron Katie says about her husband “he’s brave enough to be married to the impersonal.”  

Turning the thoughts around: whatever is happening now (partner, no partner) is fabulous.  

Can you find your genuine reasons why?

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

Love, Grace