It doesn’t exactly feel beautiful when someone breaks up with you, when divorce proceedings are underway, when you have a fight with your beloved, when you find yourself complaining about the same thing endlessly in a relationship.
But what I love noticing, and so grateful for, is that if it ISN’T feeling so beautiful….
….The Work is beckoning.
Today, you can join me for an online mini-retreat in doing The Work on anywhere you notice in your life you feel not-so-beautiful, especially around relationships with others.
Don’t feel you must come do The Work on couples, romance, break-ups or love-gone-wrong (although those are all really amazing things to question). Come do The Work if you notice resentment, irritation, fear, loss, or worry about anyone in your life.
Concerns about love show up in many ways.
To join me click here. Come and go as you wish, no requirement to be there 2.5 hours.
Awhile ago, I had the privilege of doing The Work with a young woman who was upset about a man who didn’t love her as much as she loved him.
They had an off-again, on-again relationship.
He would return to town (he didn’t live in the same city), they’d spend 24 hours together making love, eating, sleeping, talking….
….then he’d leave for who knows how long and she’d try to act nonchalant and regroup.
But underneath, she felt abandoned and triggered by his going, and his absences, every time.
Why doesn’t he love me that way? Why doesn’t he want me to be his girlfriend all the time? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I have a relationship like my friend? Why doesn’t anyone, including this guy, want to marry me?
And then on top of all those kinds of thoughts, she’d also think “There’s something wrong with me, I am sooo clingy, I shouldn’t be needy, I’m ridiculous, relationships trap you anyway, I prefer independence, what am I doing here?”
It’s like she’d get stuck in a side-eddy of the river swirling around between “I suck” and “he sucks”.
Deep breath.
This is a good one for inquiry.
This relationship should be different than it is.
Find that one thing you notice you believe should be different. Whether in a long-term relationship and you’re so annoyed because he doesn’t do the dishes, or you’re going through a divorce and you believe you should be together, or you’re wanting more than you get from her in a relationship, or less.
Let’s do The Work.
In this situation, the relationship should be different. It should be that other, better way. Not THIS way.
Is that true?
Yes! This way is painful, boring, irritating, not serving me! It’s TRUE!
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
The woman I was working with said “yes” she could absolutely know it was true she wanted more time, more commitment, more steadiness.
How do you react when you believe the relationship should be different than it is?
Angry. Depressed. Thinking I made a mistake. Yelling at myself that I should get over it. Furious with me. Furious with him. Sad. Begging. Trying everything to get it the way I want it.
So who would you be without your belief that this relationship should be different, that it should change in that situation for you to be happy?
Woah. But.
I can’t be happy with the relationship the way it is! I’d be ignoring my complaints! I couldn’t! I wouldn’t!
Slow down, though.
To not have this thought doesn’t mean you will never have the love you want, or the peace you crave. But in that situation, right when he doesn’t call back, or she forgot to meet you, or he left town again, or she was critical….
….Who would you be if you couldn’t have the belief it should be different, better, another way?
Wow. It drops a whole massive weighted layer of expectation and frees up other possibilities, at least for me. No one person needing to be any different, or do more than they do. No pushing, pulling, arguing with what is.
When I did this work with the young woman suffering from her un-committed relationship, she felt more of an unknown in that moment, without the thought.
She wasn’t very excited about other possibilities, especially other relationships, but she didn’t need to be. She simply noticed her own pretty apartment, her passion for her career, the way she sometimes would completely forget all people and get drawn into a project, the way her friends would come and go and she didn’t have the same feelings when THEY left (good to notice).
For me, I notice when I don’t think someone should be different, here I am taking a walk, doing The Work with people, buying groceries, going to yoga, vacuuming, teaching a class, writing….
….without any thought that something’s missing.
Even clients I work with should be exactly as they are, right in that moment in time.
Turning the thought around: this relationship should NOT be different than it is. It should be exactly like this. How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, first of all, it’s teaching me about deep attachment, expectations, demands I have inside that someone else should change so that I feel more happy, or comfortable.
I want to be the one to notice, and accept, and change, and move where I’m drawn….without enormous suffering or dreadful sorrow.
Another turnaround: My relationship with myself (in that situation with that other person) should be different. I should be more committed to myself, I should connect with me, I should express my preferences, I should do the things I like to do.
I could do all this by myself, or with this other person! I can ask for what I want, and hear without resentment if the answer is no from the other.
And finally, I should be different with this other person. If I want them to be more committed, could I be more committed, connected and clear with them? If I want them to be less clingy, could I be less clingy, demanding or needy with them? If I want them to quit “x” can I quit doing “x” with my thoughts about them?
This never means you should put up with something, or that you should twist yourself into a pretzel, or withhold information or the truth, or work even harder.
I love that it simply brings freedom if you are not arguing with reality, and wishing for something Other Than What Is.
As I look around the room in that situation I was questioning where that other person was doing it differently than I thought I wanted….
….I notice how much I love that room, the air, the lights, the distant sounds, the colors, the feelings, the quiet stillness, my heart beating.
I know the universe and reality has it handled far better than I could ever handle it. I can trust what’s going on, instead of fight it.
And if there’s a fight….The Work.
“Humility is our natural response to seeing what’s true about ourselves. When we judge others and question that judgment, then turn it around to ourselves, that is the fire and the purification. Our knees buckle, and we learn how sweet it is to lose–how that is the winning. That’s what The Work is about. Some people call it forgiveness. I call it sanity.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 221.
Much love,
Grace