divorce – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

January 10, 2021January 10, 2021

When a relationship has hurt: finding love after love with The work of Byron Katie

Oooh relationships.

Love.

Mawage. (If you’ve seen Princess Bride, you’ll know this reference, so funny).

Divorce. (If you’ve experience this, or breaking up with someone, it may not be so funny).

Yesterday I went to Target, the big store in the US, with my daughter. She needed a belt to follow the dress code for her new job (which she gets to start Monday after much delay due to the pandemic) and groceries, and I needed a pillow.

Turning at the back of the store past the clothing aisles into the electronics and food sections….a huge pink wall on display was revealed.

Hearts, candies, gifties, jewelry, chocolates, pink candles, silk red roses, more candies.

Oh. Valentine’s Day is apparently coming!

I’ve done a little research on the origin of Valentine’s Day and it’s not exactly…pretty.

Either it has to do with martyrdom, sacrifices of goats and dogs, people thrown in jail for marrying couples in secret, executions, and/or an ancient Roman ritual of drunken naked revelry, beatings, and wishes for fertility.

Woah. Um. Kind of intense.

What remains of it today appears to be a celebration of romance and love and poetry and hearts. People get engaged and married, or celebrate together in coupled pairs on this day.

And when love has gone wonky, some people feel disappointed or sad they’re not “in” on the fun.

What a fantastic place for inquiry and investigation.

It doesn’t have to be about Valentine’s Day, either.

Just “love” in the form of romance.

What’s your perspective?

Is it disappointing? Sad? Difficult? Endless work? Passionate? Spicy? Complicated? Hoping against hope?

If it’s stressful, we’re invited with The Work of Byron Katie to question it.

And oh did I ever.

After my very first School for The Work in Los Angeles in March of 2005, I arrived home–literally–to my then husband saying he was no longer interested in being married. During our first conversation post-School.

BOOM.

I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me.

I felt a bit insane.

Some days this was thrilling and all the trapped feelings of following the “normal” flow of what was expected for my life was gone….and it was exciting and unknown.

Some days this was terrifying and I just wanted some solid ground to stand on.

My mind was a wild flip flop.

It felt like frantic grasping onto life without “my plan” (or what I thought of as the general successful plan for most couples).

Who was I without my belief that a relationship should go like “x” in order for me to be happy?

Woah. Really?

I can question that thought?

Yes.

What if there is no “right” and “wrong” way with relationship and relating?

What if we are moving always towards love, exploration, expansion, growth, creativity, joy?

Even if someone leaves.

Even if someone dies.

Even if someone annoys us.

Who am I right now without the belief I need that person to be ______ for me to be happy? (Kind, clean, respectful, productive, ambitious…..)

Without the belief, I’m a free person who is not dependent.

Not even dependent on that person being alive, in order for me to be happy.

I’m watching, playing, dancing, breathing….laughing even.

Life is quite ingenious, fascinating.

“There are universes that you may be missing, universes of wisdom that lie within you, which The Work can open you up to–your own answers to the questions, and the examples of your turnarounds are the key to those universes, the key to a kinder world and all the freedom that is your unlimited birthright.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning my thoughts around: This is not horrific, betrayal, abandonment, rejection, break-up, forever, failure.

Find examples of these TurnArounds are never meant, I find, to hurt us more or talk about us Not Deserving or something guilt-ridden.

These turnarounds are not about denying that something very powerful has changed, or happened, or ignited when it comes to this person and this relationship I’m considering.

But I love seeing that I can actually find examples for how this really isn’t that bad–not as bad as I think.

Never as bad as I think.

In my divorce; I was breathing, I took classes, I went to a second school for The Work, I volunteered in exchange for learning, I had dating conversations, I ran out of money and stopped believing I needed more “programs” in order to be happy, I found my center, I started working for money, I eventually paid of all my debt, I dated other people, I found a new home.

The whole wide world was available to me in that divorce.

No, it was not easy.

(Or maybe it was easier than I think)?

I also found how much I appreciated and admired and trusted my former husband. I was connected to him, and nothing could change that.

I realized one day, that if God had come along and said the following, I would have accepted it whole-heartedly, 100%, no looking back.

God/Reality/Source/Mystery: “I’ll bring you what you really want, and it’s going to hurt at first–badly maybe–but it will be amazing in the long-run. It will change your entire life. It will break your identity apart, in the best way. It will change the way you see life, and love. You’ll find an inner place of love you never recognized before, and it will guide you for the rest of your life. What will happen is: your husband will leave you. Are you in?”

Yikes.

But yes. I’m in. I Am Willing.

Turned around again: MY THINKING was horrific, betraying me, abandoning me, rejecting me, broken-up, failing.

All those horrifying moments…when all that was happening was a woman in a little adorable cottage sitting on a couch by herself.

What was the most difficult relationship I ever had?

Why, that would be my own thinking-mind and all its projections, memories, reminders, anticipations, worries, hand-wringings, small-ness, focus on safety, negative bias, perseveration, wishing, grabbing.

Innocently.

(I’m not blaming my mind).

“Becoming a warrior and facing yourself is a question of honesty rather than condemning yourself.” ~ Chongyam Trungpa

If you feel you still blame or condemn yourself for the relationship you’re in, or the one that got away, or the dream that isn’t manifesting itself….

….we can celebrate Valentine’s Day as a connection with What Is, even if we’ve been single, frightened, desperate, sad, lonely, lost.

I know that by questioning our interpretation of reality and relationship, we can find love in the oddest places.

Right here, on the couch.

Right here, in a quiet moment, reading.

Right here, looking out the window at the dusk sky.

Right here, seeing our loved one’s image in our minds who apparently no longer has a body in this lifetime.

Without the story of the absence of love, love is here.

If you’re not so sure….it’s OK….and let’s do The Work.

If you’re a person who suffers (a little or a lot) from relationship disappointment, upset or anguish….Nadine Ferris-France and I are joining together to offer a 5 day Relationship Retreat for the lonely, broken-hearted, longing or self-critical.

We meet for 4 consecutive days February 4-7 from 8-11am Pacific Time/ 11am-2pm ET/ 4-7pm UK and then one final stand-alone day on Valentine’s Day, February 14th, also from 8-11am PT.

We will dive into exercises specifically created to look closely at our beliefs about coupling, sharing, committing, leaving and being alone.

For those who have upset thinking about relationship….this retreat is for you.

Nadine and I have been offering a course in Relationship Hell to Heaven for a few years now and we have both gone through divorces and commitments to new partners and all the great ride this journey of relationship offers.

What we have found is that relationship is a path to awakening and freedom.

We’d love to share the road with you.

There is no requirement for being “in” or “out” of relationship.

The only requirement is interest in identifying the painful, sad, vicious or dreaded judgments of those you’ve loved (past, present, future) romantically, or noticing the mean, critical, disappointing thoughts you’ve had about yourself…and inquiring.

Valentine’s Relationship Hell To Heaven Retreat is sliding scale tuition ($275-$675 US). In addition to each live call, you will be paired with one other person daily during retreat to do The Work with them (a different person each day).

This is a wonderful immersion in partnering with others, and partnering with your own mind, for love.

Please write if you need further help in order to attend.

What does it mean to move without resistance? The joy of acting in The Work.

There was a time when I became aware, about two years into doing The Work, that sometimes the mind can hold up a belief very solidly in the background of a situation we’re investigating, and not let go.

I didn’t even know I had the belief. That’s the funny part.

I was dating in my forties.

I was also rather shocked to be dating as I had felt so married-for-life in my first marriage of 15 years.

I loved partnership and had mostly been with a partner for the majority of my life since age 16. It seemed easy and natural.

(And before that, I always had one close best friend).

So there I was, meeting men and dating.

There was one man I found incredibly funny and smart, but also quite troubled.

We’d go on a walk or have a meal and talk in depth, and all kinds of weird emotional conflict would appear.

I’d feel nervous, angry, or incredibly disgusted.

Fairly new in my experience of self-inquiry and The Work at that time, I’d write a worksheet on the moment of disruption and get all my thoughts on paper: “he shouldn’t have said that”, “I need him to be different”, “there’s something wrong with him”, “he’s too depressed”, “he’s an addict”.

I would take them through the four questions and find turnarounds and feel amazed with what I learned about myself.

And yet…the conflict persisted.

And so did the on-and-off dating, anxiety, and anger.

When suddenly one day, while sitting quietly in The Work, I heard the voice in my head ask this powerful question:

Why are you trying so, so hard to make this relationship work….when it just plain isn’t?

Why are you trying so hard to like red when you prefer blue?

And the hidden “agenda” appeared before my eyes.

This. Relationship. Must. Work.

Dreams of a future living with this person in bliss, enjoying the support of the money he had accumulated and his good taste, feeling that old natural feeling within me of having one best friend in my life, imagining easy conversations and someone to whom you could say “hey, did you see that?”

Some part of my mind didn’t like noticing this dynamic did NOT really work.

I scared him, he scared me.

Everyone confused and upset. Uneasy.

Ideas about what “success” or “love” looks like.

Is it true it had to work?

Is it true the images I had of “it working” were real? Or was it all imagination? (Um, I would say it was imagination, LOL).

What happened when I believed that relationship MUST work and turn into the relationship I dreamed of?

Well one thing that happened, is I did The Work itself on every tiny thing I did not like, in an effort to land on peace, enforce peace, arrive at peace.

Even my dreams of “peace” were false and guessed at. I said peace didn’t look like the present moment, it looked like a vision I had in the future.

I ignored my preferences, for “peace”. I turned everything around to myself “for peace”. I went places and ate food I didn’t like and said “yes” to invitations “for peace” or “for hope”.

I turned all my stressful thoughts around and then made an effort to keep myself directed narrowly to this goal of making the relationship work: “I shouldn’t have said that”, “I need me to be different”, “there’s something wrong with me”, “I’m too depressed”, “I’m an addict–especially about him”.

But who would I be without the belief “I’m going someplace BETTER in the future (this future relationship working the way I want and imagine)?

Who would I be without the belief “This Must Work”?

On that day I suddenly dropped below my hopes and motives to enforce happiness in the future, my attitude of “fighting” for happiness….

….and I noticed reality.

Reality didn’t look like my plan. Reality didn’t look like celebration and loving connection and beauty and two married people smiling at each other in that moment.

What was the reality?

Not that.

THIS.

And then…the questioning opened up and I became aware of a turnaround: This IS Working.

This is it. This is where this is going.

Right now.

Not in the future somewhere, where heaven awaits.

Heaven could be right here, despite the discord in relating and the difficult thinking and the tortured emotions and apparent confusion.

The sun still shines behind the sky, the world still moves, the breath still flows in and out of this body, the life force still pulses with joy–no matter what I’m ever doing, no matter what is happening, no matter what is being “thought” in any moment.

I could be cleaning dog poop off my shoe, and this is what is, in that moment.

Not the future cleaned up shoe.

Can I notice This. Is. Working.

The relationship may not involve future active connection (turns out it did not) but what a joy to flow with life instead of push against it.

I understood then what Byron Katie and others might be talking about when they spoke of doing The Work with a motive or agenda, how it can block the freedom and peace you have access to right in the middle of any condition, relationship or situation.

Could heaven be possible even with this?

Of course.

Who am I to say “this is not heaven”?

Good news.

It didn’t matter that I had been doing that when doing The Work with a motive of eventually getting to peace. Insight came when it came, at just the right time.

I explored, I stayed, and then I saw, and I broke up with him.

The joy of not knowing what will ever happen, the freedom from being dependent on things going a certain way in order for me to be happy….dissolving.

Who are you without the belief “this is not it”?

Turned Around: This is it. This is life, being lived. This is heaven. This is waking up.

Peace is possible now.

When this realization landed inside me, I knew to break up with this man and that I didn’t have to make myself Not Think of him.

I didn’t know my future and it was totally safe, totally OK. I felt gratitude, clarity, tears, empowerment. Life moved in its own direction.

I couldn’t have gotten there, experiencing that moment as peaceful and exciting, without The Work.

Wow.

“Eventually, through practice, you no longer impose your thinking onto reality, and you can experience everything as it really is, as pure grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve got beliefs about what is required for peace, for awakening, for love, for eliminating stuckness…you may want to come do The Work on retreat.

Winter retreat is a month away.

Relationships Ending: Hell To Heaven When Questioning “That Person Left Me”

There’s something about gathering in a group to do The Work that can bring out wisdom like nobody’s business.

That saying “like nobody’s business” fits well here–no one person’s unique business, we’re all sharing The Work and looking at the mind and what it’s thinking.

As our new Year of Inquiry group began this week, my sense of gratitude and wonder glowed.

An inquirer brought the thought “he left me” to inquiry.

She looked closely, and so did everyone else.

Around the circle we went after she answered the four questions, sharing the way we could relate to that thought ourselves.

When we hear a concept like “he left me”….

….we notice we understand what it means.

We see pictures of our experiences.

We even see pictures of the person who is doing The Work in our heads. We’re listening.

The thing about doing The Work together in a group is we get to come back to ourselves and our own feelings about the same thought while also taking in others at the very same time.

As people shared what was occurring to them in the moment about being left and leaving in life, different situations sprung up that were so incredibly interesting.

One person was remembering the suffering in a relationship long ago, where she also believed “he left me”.

Someone else pondered about death as an ultimate “leaving”.

Then another shared her awareness of how each day, during any conversation (and especially with one friend) there were micro-moments of “leaving” happening, or suspected leaving.

We see someone’s face, or the way their words trail off, or the way they’re talking too much, or not paying attention at all.

Tiny moments adding up together and the mind creating meaning: they’re leaving me.

They don’t care, they don’t notice, they’re not interested, they’re not the same, they don’t get me, they don’t love me.

Who are we without the story of being left, or needing to Not be Left?

Without the story that it’s possible to be left at all?

This doesn’t mean denial and pretending a person is living with you who no longer is living with you–that would be nuts.

This work is about seeing reality clearly, sharing with others, having no teacher except oneself–and finding paradoxically the connection with the world.

I adore doing The Work with a group.

The wisdom arising is so precious.

No one else’s life is the answer. No one else is the only “teacher” (although they can be a beautiful and loving guide, of course).

Everyone sharing in this journey and through the sharing, a sense of unexpected connection in the mystery of All This.

New ideas about leaving and Not Leaving arriving in the very moment of everyone on a call together.

Without the story of being left….I notice the joy of being on a zoom call with a brilliant group of people all eager to question their thinking and learn and grow.

I notice how fun it is to grow, like a plant. Like a flower blossoming in a field of glorious colorful flowers of all different shapes and sizes (other people).

No special flowers are necessary. Even the bugs are OK.

Turning the thought around:

He did not leave me
I left myself in that situation
My thinking left me
I left him

Could the story of abandonment be a huge shared human fear (story), and these turnarounds also just as true or truer?

Yes.

I left myself when I panicked and thought of myself as too small to succeed in the future, too ignorant, too powerless, too alone.

He did not leave me. He’s in my heart forever. I’ve had thoughts of him regularly, always, and learned so very much about relating, communicating, and unconditional love.

My thinking left me and raced into the future, and worrying about if it would be good or bad. Or into the past and crying with the failure of it all. It didn’t remember I was right here in the moment, being held and supported.

I left him when I wished him dead, hated him, raged about him, believed he’d be better off staying with me than living a life of freedom.

These turnarounds can be tricky, and difficult.

They’re a shift of the very ground we usually stand on that’s so sure of what we need to survive in life well, and successfully.

You can question your thinking all by yourself–in the end it’s the one person you love and care about the most (which is a good thing)–and, what a joy to connect with others in The Work.

In our zoom group together we sat with the living turnaround “I’m staying with myself”.

Practicing staying, noticing staying, aware of staying power–the unconditional power of love and silence that is already staying through everything you’ve ever been through.

Here you are.

Something has stayed, despite all the changes in daily life.

Something remains.

That something is who we are, what we are, how we are connected in essence.

Noticing all is well and so very exciting–in a quiet way.

The joy of a group of inquirers gathering to meet the mind with the remarkable practice of asking “is it true?” and “who are you without that story?”

For those interested in this specific topic, we’re starting Sunday with a six-session group from 9:30am PT-11:30am PT to plunge into the work of a primary love relationship changing in the form of separation, break-up or divorce.

My co-facilitator Nadine is also Certified in The Work of Byron Katie. We’ve both practiced The Work through a divorce and come out more vibrant, grateful and thrilled about our lives, and the future.

Instead of watching The Work or wondering about The Work, when we gather in this format we actually do the work.

It’s not always comfortable, that’s for sure.

But it is the most enlightening, amazing experience to truly question your mindset about love and relationship and what is required for happiness.

Yes, it is work.

It’s why it is called The Work.

The good news is, when we wonder who we are without our stressful stories….it’s not all darkness and pain.

Quite the opposite.

A few more spots open in the course starting on Sunday. We’d love to have you.

We have clear, formulated exercises that help us question fear, loss, sorrow, dread and angst in relationship and clearly identify specific common topics that appear in our minds that hurt.

Read about the course and sign up for Relationship Hell To Heaven HERE.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you’re still considering Year of Inquiry there’s no reason not to join. We’re meeting for the first time this year on Saturdays (for those involved in kids and work on weekdays) as well as Tuesday 9am PT and Thurs 5pm PT. A fabulous bunch has assembled. An awesome experiential training for those wanting to work with others as a facilitator. Upcoming monthly topics are: Family of Origin, Hurt and Fear, Money, That One Relationship, Body. You are both student and teacher, and yet you don’t have to do it alone. Read more about YOI here.

January 10, 2020

Stuck in a lie in a relationship? (+ relationship class starts Sunday)

This weekend on Sunday, we begin the 8 session live zoom course Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?

The pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you can be so strong.

Sometimes, even though they aren’t “divorcing” people sign up for this course to look at fears, future anticipation of a changed relationship, upset about change and transition in primary relationship.

In fact, there’s always a minimum of one or two people who are still in a committed partnership, with no talk of divorce even happening….but there’s trouble.

I notice a tendency in my own mind to believe there are three options with just about anything I’m opposing in my life, relationships or otherwise.

I see the situation. I don’t like it.

Mind quickly moves to one of three options:

Choice A) Get away from it. Run. Disappear into the woodwork. Back out of the room slowly. “Ghost” the person or situation (vanish without a trace). AWOL. No show. MIA.

Choice B) Attack the situation or person, whether in your head or right out loud. Aggression. Fighting energy. Feeling furious. Give them a piece of your mind. Rage. Say bitter, upsetting things. Threaten whomever it is you’re opposed to. This can happen internally, without them even being in your environment.

Choice C) Collapse. Feel hopeless, depressed. Rake yourself through the coals. Feel bad about you. Lonely, piteous, sad. List the reasons you’re a piece of sh&* and you screwed this up. Give up. Feel stuck.

Sometimes they call it Flight, Fight or Freeze.

But any one of these has to do with arguing with the present situation.

Relationship, or otherwise.

This course called Divorce/Breaking-Up/Separation Is Hell is really about our own minds and how we divorce ourselves, break-up with ourselves, separate from ourselves.

This is certainly what I did when I got divorced fifteen years ago. I felt panicked, enraged, betrayed, abandoned and lonely.

I felt like my first husband leaving meant I was worthy of being left….and the inner dialogue was horrible.

(Thank God Almighty for The Work–that’s what my grandma would say. Thank Reality Almighty, Thank Peace Almighty, Thank Silence Almighty….use whatever word you like most).

Now, I’m very happily remarried to an adorable and loving man (who’s also great at The Work and self-inquiry) and I still have this range of thoughts on a very subtle level sometimes.

Like, for example.

This morning.

We received a call saying “we need to come into your house to upgrade an electrical panel by adding 100 amp something-or-other. We’ll be there at 7:30am.”

No problem. (We have a building project underway in our back yard).

The electrical panel is in my husband’s office.

He lightly suggests to me “maybe we should move the couch so they can quickly and smoothly get to the panel”.

Good idea!

Then I enter the office.

Boxes, files, piles of books and CDs, clothes and towels on the aforementioned couch. Papers, envelopes, more boxes, storage tubs, folders, boxes for his classroom, a full can of garbage.

My instant reaction to the sight: AGAINST WHAT IS!!!

There were some words, and my little snappish commands, and a quick clean-up session.

But here’s why I’m mentioning it. In the past, because of seeing clutter, my mind has actually gone to the thought in zero to sixty seconds…..“I can’t live with this!”

Pan to me sitting in a tiny cabin near a beach all alone, with zen type clutter-free counters and almost no stuff except laptop and a bookshelf of books. Pure minimalism. Husband or any other human is nowhere n sight. Ahhhhhhhhh.

LOL.

The mind shows pictures of how great it will be in the future if you make a change.

OR….how HORRIBLE.

Either one is fantasy.

What’s amazing is watching the mind do this, jump to one of the three “survivor” choices, without question.

When I do The Work, I get to see differently, and find new creative ways to work with what is. I get to communicate with the partner (if it’s a partner) or share and speak if its someone else.

With self-inquiry, we get to see what other options are possible besides believing “this relationship is a threat, it’s no good, I have to get away”.

It never means you don’t leave a situation or relationship that doesn’t work, or say goodbye and move on (that can be incredibly exciting).

But it’s nice to feel solid instead of pining for the past, or anticipating a disastrous future.

In our course, we get to do exercises with situations that repeat themselves, our fears, sadness, loss. All the exercises can apply really to any relationship where conflict arises.

AND, it’s incredibly sweet and bonding to be with all folks who are facing primary relationship troubles: should I stay or should I go? What brings up my anger? What am I afraid of here? How do I work with these patterns that feel so hard?

We’ve got room for a few more. We meet this Sunday, then no class on January 19th (I’m teaching Eating Peace Retreat next weekend) then seven more sessions on Sundays until March 8th. All are recorded so you can come and go as you need to if you can’t attend them all.

Join me and Nadine right here.

Today, I share a wonderful second interview with a certified facilitator Helena Montelius who experienced a profound piece of news from a former lover….and her story and inner work around this is amazing.

She learned from her former boyfriend that he had AIDS, and now, she did as well. She knew she was sick, and her practitioners had never tested for AIDS as they didn’t think of it–it hadn’t crossed their minds as an option.

Hear about her own “separation hell” to separation heaven in her own heart and mind. It’s incredibly inspiring on so may levels.

Much love,

Grace

December 29, 2019

Thinking about the end of a relationship? You might want to question that.

Thinking of the end? Join us in DIH: IIT? (That’s short code for Divorce Is Hell: Is It True?) Starting January 12th for 8 weeks. Sundays 11:00am PT.

Sometimes, the companions we meet along our journey in life are…..difficult.

To put it mildly.

Like, for example, the people we marry or move in with or spend lots and lots of time with in romantic formats or possibilities of romance.

Those same people leave us, anger us, hurt us, smite us, replace us, and grow us in ways perhaps we never imagined or dreamed.

It didn’t go the way we wanted it to go.

Perhaps it’s not going the way we wanted it to go right now.

It’s tough when a relationship goes south, or doesn’t seem to be the dreamy wonderful vision it was at first.

The other day, a close friend of mine asked to listen to the memorial service recording of my first husband Tom, from July 2018.

My friend asked about fast-forwarding the recording to where I come to the front and speak.

Fortunately, because another different friend had asked for the very same speech several months ago, I had the exact segment saved from the service where I spoke, quivering voice and all.

I found it again on my computer and sent it.

I couldn’t listen to it myself. Too emotional. Too hard to bring back the memories.

I didn’t want to hear my voice breaking constantly during the short space of time I was on “stage” sharing to an audience of hundreds.

My friend wrote back.

“I am so moved by this profound tribute. I love how your heart remained forever open to Tom. You are MY teacher. I am blessed to have such a good seat in this play. Thank you for your brilliance, consideration and poetry”.

I suddenly had the thought to share this very personal speech with you that feels sacred and somewhat private.

Why?

Because this speech exists because of The Work of Byron Katie.

This story could have gone very differently. In which case there would have been no speech at all. Perhaps just mourning and jaded despair.

In my relationship to the man who played the role of first husband, I might have remained myself in the role of victim. I might have been bitter. I might have been terrified. I might have been glum or depressed, or feeling like a failure or someone worthy of rejection and abandonment.

I might have remained angry and resentful.

But I learned, just before things went a little haywire in our relationship, how to identify and question my beliefs.

I still have mini fits and tell stories that sound sad, but I know they aren’t true.

Yes, we got divorced. Yes, I felt abandoned. Yes, I thought I’d never love again. Yes, I thought I wouldn’t make it and was shattered into a million pieces.

None of that turned out to be true. And thankfully, I could SEE it wasn’t true because of questioning my beliefs, questioning what I was telling myself, questioning the thoughts connected to the emotions I felt.

I had the four questions.

Instead, I think of that relationship as one of the most profoundly important and life-transforming of my entire life.

You’ll hear why when you listen.

Click here:

If you are suffering because of a primary relationship going off the rails, or love not measuring up to what you anticipated or expected….

….if you are still “in” the relationship but contemplating a break in the structure and you have fears about what you’re imagining….

….join Nadine and I in our upcoming course starting Sundays January 12th (no meeting Jan. 19th). We meet online on zoom from 11:00am-12:30pm Pacific Time/ 7:00-8:30pm UK.

The only requirement for joining is wanting to end your suffering in relationship; whether in the distant past, in the present, or in the imagined future.

Join us if it’s right for you.

And guess what? Kind of funny (and we get it): We’ve been asked a handful of times for a registration link that doesn’t mention the title so certain partners won’t be hurt or confused if they see it on a credit card statement.

If you want to sign up for this course without having the words “divorce” or “break up” or “separation” or “hell” (LOL) anywhere in print then please feel free to use this simplified link to enroll right here.

This work is about addressing the fearful thinking and finding the peace within you that’s available right now, no matter what the status or condition of your relationship.

It’s about finding freedom and clarity, so you can be honest and real and share yourself lovingly with the other, with every “other”, and notice how peaceful and safe it can be whether you’re committed, married, single, divorced, separated, confused or complicated.

Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?: 8 session online zoom course dissolving the pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you. Join Nadine Ferris-France and Grace Bell right here. Sundays at 11:00am PT/ 7:00pm UK. We start January 12th (no class Jan. 19th).

Much love,

Grace

August 18, 2019

He’s disappointing me–he should be different–true? (+still some spots in course that just started)

It seems there’s a wind of change in the air.

Oh yes, it’s still summer where I live….but not for much longer. The days appear more orange in color, and piles of berries sold in the shops have dwindled.

Maybe because of the pattern for so many years in school, the calendar approaching September brings a sense of newness.

Things beginning.

Possibilities around the corner.

Yesterday, gathering with the group of wonderful inquirers in the relationships course (Divorce/Break-Up/Separation our topic), I felt the new joy of starting another deep dive in to exploring peace….once again….in primary relationship.

Peace, no matter what happened, what’s happening now, what will happen in the future.

One of my favorite first exercises in the class is called The Good Ex (we haven’t even gotten to this exercise yet–so spoiler alert–if you’re in the course, you’ll get to do this soon).

But everyone and anyone interested in looking at stories about relationships can do this exercise on any troubling situation you’ve ever been in with someone. They don’t have to be an “ex”.

A Good (fill in the blank) Husband. A Good Wife. A Good Partner. A Good Mate. A Good Lover. A Good Friend. A Good Mother. A Good Father, Brother, Grandma, Boss…

What is your definition of a good one of these?

What is a good ex? What is a good partner?

Make a list.

Let’s look at what a good partner is like.

What’s on your list?

A good partner:

speaks kindly to me
shares their money with me
asks how I’m feeling
wants to spend time with me and asks me on dates
is an attentive lover
buys me gifts (that I like)
makes me laugh
lives a healthy life (and doesn’t die before me)

What else is on your list?

What about the list of what a good ex-partner should be like? What should an ex-partner think, feel, say, do?

Now….notice how the person you’re thinking of in real life doesn’t match up to this list.

Dang.

It means the one I’ve got here isn’t doing well. At least, not compared to the list. Rats.

Or, perhaps when they aren’t playing the best role possible, doing it the way I hope….

….we’re terrified.

I have the ideal version, and then I have the actual version.

And I’m devastated.

But here’s the brilliant thing about inquiry…

We can question our “ideal version” and find out if it’s really true that we’d be happy if we had what’s on the list.

(No, this doesn’t mean we give up in despair from ever getting anything we like–this isn’t about tossing out all preferences).

So I’m noticing I think I need this particular person to have the same quality (let’s just look at one at a time) as what is on the list.

So let’s say I’m believing this person should speak kindly, attentively, and ask for time with me….and he doesn’t. Ever.

He should speak kindly and spend time with me.

Is it true?

YES. Why the heck am I in a relationship in the first place, even when we aren’t married anymore? Jeez, are you nuts?

But can you absolutely know this is true that this particular person should be that way (see list)?

Sigh. No.

So what happens when you believe that thought?

Terrible images cross my mind, about the future. I’m living a life of sorrow and loneliness and heart-break forever….

….where my former husband never wants to talk about what happened between us, have a heart-to-heart, enjoy a close conversation filled with understanding and kindness.

I feel distance, sadness, pining, grief.

So who would you be without this sad story that he should want to spend time and speak kindly?

Relaxed.

Without my beliefs about what a relationship should look like, I might notice that actually I am the one who wants to spend time. I am the one who didn’t speak kindly, or ask for conversation.

Shoot.

But this work isn’t about hitting yourself or feeling bad about you, instead of the other.

It’s about awareness. Simple.

Turning the thought around:

I should speak kindly and spend time with him. I should speak kindly and spend time with me. He shouldn’t speak kindly or spend time with me.

Can I find examples of all three of these turnarounds, one by one?

If I really want to spend time with him, I could ask him for a meeting, for regular time, for conversation. I could have asked my former husband, for example, for a more honest heart-to-heart when it first crossed my mind–and all the many times it occurred to me again later. I kept thinking things like “Nah, he should make the effort. He doesn’t want to talk with me anyway”.

I should speak kindly and spend time with myself. Wow. No kidding, this is so true. I was very mean and critical to myself in the past, especially when it came to relationships and being honest about what I wanted. I would often have a thread of self-judgment running about myself, with many people. I wouldn’t say “no” or “yes” honestly.

He shouldn’t be that other way (speak kindly, ask for time). Can I find a reason why not? Would it be weird, perhaps? What if he was super needy, and wanted to follow me around everywhere? There can be advantages to being left alone!

Do I really want to have my happiness depend on someone else’s behavior?

In all this, I love finding the balance. It never means swinging over to doing, saying, finding nothing to request, to go mute and have zero preferences.

That’s not what this work is about.

It seems it’s about freedom.

Freedom to be with myself peacefully while I move toward and then away from others. Noticing kind conversations and how fun they are (in my own head, with others). Spending time with others in many intimate wonderful ways.

Trusting the way the world turns, that there’s people coming and going and coming again. Quiet and silence, then talking and sharing, then quiet again.

Who would we be without our stories of the ideal relationship?

We’d be with the one in front of us, and excited for whomever I’ll meet next.

“When someone loves what is, she makes use of anything life happens to bring her way, because she doesn’t con herself anymore. What comes her way is always good. She sees that clearly, even though people may say otherwise. There’s no adversity in her life. And from her experience, others learn the way of it. If someone says ‘I’m leaving you’ she feels the excitement rising inside her, since she can see only the advantages that come from that. What could be a more fulfilling experience than to witness the gift of reality? If someone says ‘I’m joining you’ she can see only the advantages in that. What could be a dearer experience than having you join me? She’s going to die: good. She’s not going to die: good. She’s going to lose her eye sight: good. She’s not going to lose her eyesight: good. She’s crippled; she can walk again: good, good, good. She, like everyone and everything else, is the beautiful, simple flow of reality, which is always kinder and more exciting than our thoughts about it.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself pg. 216

Session #2 of the current online course Divorce Is Hell: Is It True? doesn’t meet until September 1st….so if you decide to join in the next few days, we’ll welcome you with open arms to inquiry on a relationship that’s caused pain or suffering in your life when it changed formats and appeared to “end”. From Sept 1st on, we meet Sundays 11:00 am PT until October 13th.

Room for a few more, so if it calls to you, join us here.

Much love,

Grace

July 22, 2018

Divorce or breaking up goes from sad, bad, sad….to grateful yahoo

It’s been 3 weeks now since I witnessed the final decline and death of my beloved first husband and father to my children.

I’ve seen many images course through my mind. It’s been like a slide show. They are never in linear or time-bound order.

Something is shown to me and remembered from our first meeting. A Labor Day September golden afternoon barbecue party….then our bright unexpectedly sunny wedding day 11/11….or then it will skip to a few years ago when I picked him up from his first PET scan, right before his cancer diagnosis.

I see his peaceful face after he died, the strangeness as his eyes never fluttered open.

Tears well up, mixed churning feelings, sadness, laughter, wondering.

One surprise of this movement in grief has been memories of the divorce process. In the past, it exploded a huge amount of separation, confusion, feeling abandoned.

All my former worksheets were on how he shouldn’t have left me, I was abandoned, I missed out, he was wrong, this shouldn’t be happening, it’s very sad.

I found all these concepts to be false.

And suddenly, I noticed something interesting as I watched the slide show of the completion of our marriage:

I never did The Work on the simple belief “we got divorced”.

We got divorced.

Is that true?

Woah. Yes. Right?

But where’s my proof?

Only in my memory. Only in the mind. Only in my stories of what “divorced” means.

Can I absolutely know it’s true we got divorced?

No. (And you might answer yes, if you have the very same thought–it’s OK). I realize my heart feels love and appreciation for that man that’s never stopped.

What is divorce, anyway?

Yes the relationship changed. Yes we moved into our own houses. Yes I saw less of him. But I have always been connected, even when I didn’t want to be.

How do you react when you believe you got divorced?

Sad, failed, hurt, upset, pining.

Who would you be without the thought “we got divorced”?

I’d feel like all the tons of minutes, hours, days when I have NOT had that thought….and I’ve been living my life with the person or people right in front of me, busy with other things.

I wouldn’t feel like I failed. I wouldn’t feel disappointed or full of “what-if” ideas. I would trust what’s happened and what is.

I would notice all the incredible good that’s come out of the Great Zen Stick, called “divorce” for me, that changed my entire life and woke me up when it comes to relationship.

Turning the thought around: We did not get divorced. I divorced myself. I divorced him. (He didn’t divorce me).

I can find examples of every single one. We remained friends, and always shared holidays and the same neighborhood. In the past, I took the whole thing very personally, even though it wasn’t. And how many times did I criticize and separate from him in my mind during our lives together before he ever even spoke of divorce?

Most important of all is that right in the moment I myself am thinking “we got divorced! (sob)” is the moment it’s happening–and only in my mind. Otherwise, what’s around me is connection; to the floor, the room, the air, the people in my presence.

The divorce happened 11 years ago. I dredged it up as I re-membered my default position from the past–which is that it was all very sad.

Can I turn it around with joy, instead of disappointment? YAHOO! We got divorced! Hooray! Congratulations! Amazing! Wonderful! Success!

Wow.

I can find it.

Because of that thing called “divorce”, I did my own inquiry work in great earnestness, I discovered a career, I became far less dependent, I grew up when it came to relationships–not taking everything so dang personally.

I didn’t just have a husband die of cancer on me.

I notice the joy my children are still able to tap into, even if other moments they are so sad about their dad. I’ve been reminded of the temporariness of my own life and to continue to drop what’s not so important.

Especially my stressful thinking about relationships from the past or into the future, including divorce.

“Inquiry ends suffering by cutting it off at the root. No stressful thought can withstand sincere questioning.” ~ Byron Katie

Are you sad or troubled by a divorce experience? It could be about a relationship, a job, a place….anywhere you believe a division or diversion occurred, where something ended and you didn’t plan or expect it.

That happened and it’s all sad and terrible.

Is it true?

Who would you be without your story right now?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace 101 begins this upcoming Thursday, July 26th 8-9:30 am PT. In this telecourse, we’ll use The Work of Byron Katie to explore our reasons for eating, and investigate these reasons. For more information about the class, please visit here. We meet every OTHER week until October 4th.

P.P.S. If you had any tech glitches in the new intro course The Work for Dingalings (seven days, one lesson per day) I thank all those who emailed to let me know so I could fix them. Sign up for the course here.

March 6, 2018

When a relationship is over? Be still and let love discover you.

You know how the other day, I shared inquiry on the belief about wanting things to go a certain way in the future?

Funny how thoughts shift, and sometimes so quickly through asking these four questions.

Today, I noticed feeling so happy and excited for upcoming retreats. Such incredible people attending spring retreat here in Seattle it makes me clap my hands (yes, you can commute daily).

AND Todd Smith, a long-time experienced Facilitator of The Work will be joining me for the Breitenbush Retreatt his year.

But mostly, I feel so joyful today with all the sweet inquiry I’ve had the privilege to witness in telegroups and individual sessions with such courageous inquirers.

It takes courage and willingness to question your thoughts.

Or, OK. It takes courage and willingness to even ADMIT your thoughts, which is the very first step.

The other day, for example, I worked with an amazing person who really touched me.

She was so unhappy because a love relationship had gone south quite dramatically, and ended.

She was so sad, she could hardly contain her grief and rage all mixed together. Her thoughts kept turning to herself, and how she was the one who screwed up and if she hadn’t said x, y, z or threatened to break up with him three months ago, this terrible ending wouldn’t have occurred.

I’ve known that voice that condemns the self. It’s dreadful.

But what if you paused before the beliefs come in about how rotten, stupid, and ugly you are?

Those thoughts only exist when you believe this situation shouldn’t have happened. It’s like we take out the whip and start beating ourselves with it mentally, for punishment of this crime of causing something to go wrong.

Are you sure a break-up or change or ending or move in another direction….IS wrong for you? For the other person? For the greater good?

Can you absolutely be sure it’s terrible?

Even if you say “yes” it’s a horrible thing….keep going with inquiry anyway.

How do you react when you believe the break-up, divorce, or getting fired is BAD BAD BAD?

Isn’t that when you begin to hate yourself, or think of yourself as unworthy?

Who would you be without this painful story?

I’m not saying a break-up isn’t shocking. It is sometimes. It’s unexpected, a surprise, and you may not have seen it coming. (And we could question that we should have).

“If we’re even one breath more or one breath less than anyone else, we’re not at home.” ~ Byron Katie

But what if the turnaround is just as true, or truer….that this ending, break-up, divorce, cut-off is good? Or interesting, fitting. Perhaps it has an important invitation.

When I was getting divorced, I sat with this turnaround for a very long time….many times, honestly. And I found examples of why it was good this had happened.

It brought me to know myself in a way previously impossible to reach. It gave the the beauty of becoming comfortable, and then ecstatic, with silence. It gave me so much time to meditate and read.

It gave me the power to question my thoughts like wildfire.

My thinking was the only thing that was painful. I got it.

“We do not need to go out and find love; rather, we need to be still and let love discover us.” ~ John O’Donohue

Much love,

Grace

P.S. a few more spots open for the next afternoon mini-retreat Sunday 3/18 from 2-6 pm. Register here.

June 21, 2017

I’ve Been Left

He left me.

She left me.

They left me.

The suffering as a result of this belief is enormous.

People holding this thought in their experience of a relationship feel devastated, sometimes suicidal….and then on top of the dark feelings of abandonment, they criticize themselves for being losers and caring so much.

But let’s take a look at this thought, that can seem like a fact to some who think of it as true-true-true, and question it with The Work.

That person left you…Is it true?

Yes! They packed up their stuff and walked out the door. I don’t see them in this house anymore. Gone. It’s been 7 hours and 13 days since you took your love away.

Or fifteen years.

After we think “is is true?” instead of pausing with our answer, we might have images of that person blossoming before us, wondering about them, replaying the scenes that were so torturous in the past. We might explain to a listener all about the entire story of what happened. We might see them driving away on their motorcycle while running down the street behind them, and they never looked back.

People share with me the details of what’s happening in the lives of their “ex” partners. Marrying again. Non-communicative. Or maybe occasionally pinging them on facebook with an update.

But first, can I just answer that question…is it true they left?

Yes. Didn’t I just say how many days and hours it’s been?

Can you absolutely know it’s true they left?

Because I couldn’t know it was absolutely for-all-time true.

They were in my head daily, sometimes hourly. Every time I went past that one coffee house, I thought of them. Every time I heard that song, I felt melancholy.

There was a physical leaving, but not in any way was there an emotional or mental “leaving”. And I would also imagine getting back together in the future, which was always possible, right? I couldn’t know it was absolutely fundamentally true that this person left me forever.

Plus, and this is critically important to note, they didn’t die, they didn’t vanish off the face of the earth, and there were so many conversations and connections and bumps and difficulties between us, can you really know for absolute certain that person left YOU, like it was all about YOU?

No. I personally can’t at all. They had their own stuff going on that made a move important in their life. But if you answer “yes, it’s absolutely true” that’s perfectly OK and not the wrong answer.

How do you react when you think the thought “that person left me”?

Gut-wrenching sadness, or furious rage. They were wrong, wrong, wrong. I treated my daily life like a burden to “get through” and the new people I met like people to be suspicious of. I didn’t go out much.

So who would you be without your belief that you were left? Like, it was personal?

This is not airy fairy sweet gooey positive thinking fake sugar.

This is real use of the creative brilliance of mind and it’s imagination. The mind forgot the other side in this duality of every coin having an opposite. It focused on fear, lack, hurt, pain, and zero possibilities of a happy future.

Thank you mind for trying to keep me safe and sound, and unhurt. But you’re a bit limited, my friend, you say to your mind.

Because without the belief someone left me….I’m suddenly looking around my environment, my day, my quiet house….and noticing the peace of silence.

I’m aware of all the moments when I was supposedly “married” that I spent going to work alone, driving my own personal car all by myself, at the grocery store by myself, talking to a friend on the phone, sweeping the floor in my living room with children playing around me, thinking in my own head.

Did someone “leave” me at all those moments?

Yes, there was no body in the room sometimes. And it wouldn’t have occurred to me to be upset if my husband went to the garage to work on a project. In fact, I’d be a bit of a nut case if I started thinking “he’s leaving me” every time he called out “goodbye!” as he went to work in the morning.

Yikes.

All that meaning we place on relationships and what he or she is supposed to be doing that equals “I am loved” and all the meaning placed on a relationship that means “I am secure” or “I am NOT secure.”

When there are never any guarantees, ever. Someone could die, so could you (everyone will).

Leaving is the way of it, in fact.

Coming together, leaving, coming together, leaving. Nothing written on a piece of paper says anything firm and final about this leaving or staying. Marriage. Divorce. Break-ups. Falling in Love. Commitment. Separation.

Without the belief I am left, I simply notice the tide goes in and out. And I don’t get very upset about it.

Without the belief that I was left, I begin to see benefits for it going the way it’s going.

Let’s go there. The ultimate turnaround. Life dishing up something FOR me, not something happening that hurts me.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

For me, I noticed how much I loved the quiet. I could read anything I wanted all day long on the weekend. It was like a miracle to have nothing on my schedule. I meditated for hours. I walked through my neighborhood with Deva Premal playing over and over on my headphones. I noticed houses I had never seen before. I found little trails I hadn’t noticed. I came across a wild plum tree in nobody’s yard underneath the power lines, loaded with plums, and came back the next day with a bag.

I thought about relationships during that “I-was-left” time. I noticed how many exceptionally crazy beliefs I had about them that were considered normal in society. Here’s what “this” means. Here’s what “that” means.

I saw I couldn’t know.

I started hanging out with friends I had known since high school, but hadn’t really seen or spent time with in fifteen years. I signed up for a Qigong class. I started being curious about things I hadn’t pursued. I explored dance classes, and found one I loved.

Turning the thought around every way:

I left him
I left myself
He did not leave me

Can you find examples of how these are true? Spend time on each one, finding three examples for every turnaround.

I left him internally during our life together a thousand trillion times when I looked over at him and thought critically he wasn’t good enough, he didn’t do the lawn mowing right, he bought the wrong thing at the store, he wasn’t giving me enough affection, he worried too much about money.

I left myself by thinking I wasn’t a good companion, like I needed someone else around to make me happy. I didn’t appreciate my own mind, my thoughts, my desires. I suppressed myself. I didn’t share the truth. I felt inadequate. I ripped myself to shreds internally. I didn’t feel worthy of love. When we first met, I still obsessed about food a lot. I pushed myself really hard. I felt bad about my own abilities with money, before he ever joined in on the money show. I had images come to mind about my difficult, lonely future. I feared myself worthy of being left.

He didn’t leave me. Nope. In the mind constantly. Wondering what he was up to. Worrying about myself in the future, all alone. Feeling unforgiving. Like this his actions and behaviors are all about me, when they really have nothing to do with me. I got some of the photos, the kitchen ware, the couch, his old car, a new little gorgeous cottage just for me to live in. I receive texts, messages about the kids, emails, and we spend holidays together.

Ha Ha.

The advantages to this being “left” thing continue to enter my life, even after many years. There are far more advantages than disadvantages.

And even all of these supposed advantages and disadvantages…

….who knows if they are even true.

The most important thing is, the pair of glasses I am wearing about the whole thing is that it was one of the most powerful, life-changing, incredible experiences and wake-up calls of my life. Almost on equal footing to attending Byron Katie’s School for The Work.

I mean it.

I orbited into an entirely different paradigm. It wasn’t instant. My mind hung on very tight. I wanted to punish. I rotated back into severe doubt. But then I’d rotate with self-inquiry into brilliant trust. It was a roller coaster ride.

Very, very exciting.

Who would you be without your story?

You can do this. All it takes is answering some powerful questions slowly and honestly. You can do this.

A Community of the Spirit

There is a community of the spirit.

Join it, and feel the delight

of walking in the noisy street

and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,

and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes

to see with the other eye.

Open your hands,

if you want to be held.

Sit down in the circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel

the shepherd’s love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.

Don’t accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food.

Taste the lover’s mouth in yours.

You moan, “She left me.” “He left me.”

Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying.

Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison

when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.

Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always

widening rings of being.

~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Two events happening soon, that support your inquiry:

1) Being With Byron Katie (just stopped by the house which is getting a facelift for ten days….can’t wait to spend 4 days there starting July 8th)

2) Sliding Scale pay what you can. Summer Camp For The Mind begins July 5 – August 18.

May 9, 2017

Take a stand against self-hate when you go through a break up

Spring Retreat is completely full. I like to say “spring cleaning” retreat.

You can do spring cleaning retreat on your own mind no matter where you are, as you go about life. It’s nice to have you come to Seattle, but the wonderful thing about The Work is…it’s not required to go anywhere to do it.

You can stop somewhere, find a pen and paper or your favorite device, and begin by writing down your painful thoughts.

THEN….do The Work on one thought at a time.

The other day, several people shared that one place they feel stuck, sad, despairing, or frustrated is in the middle of a relationship.

A break up, irritation with your partner, not feeling attracted to someone anymore and feeling like you should be, divorce.

Now, finding something annoying about the person you’re living with can be difficult, like getting poked with a pin every time you once again observe it.

These thoughts are like mosquitos. Here they come again. Huff. “There he goes again with leaving his stuff all over the table” or “he’s so out of shape” or “she’s always eating my snacks” or “she shouldn’t be so impatient’.

But it seems when people share with me that a relationship, even with it’s quirks and faults, is OVER….

….they feel pretty dreadful.

Thoughts begin to appear like “I’ll be alone forever” or “no one really cares about me” or “he’s already moved on so fast, I must have meant nothing to him” or “she ruined my life by leaving”.

Whew, these are super intense.

Let’s take a look at a break up, and see if we can get a little spring cleaning done.

One of the most difficult things I realized, long ago when I was going through divorce, was that because I was no longer wanted as a primary partner….I concluded that it meant I was un-want-able.

Worthy of being left.

Because someone moves away from me, I did something wrong.

This can even happen with other close relationships, family, friends, children.

Is it true, that if someone leaves you, or ends the relationship, or doesn’t want to talk to you anymore….it means YOU are worthy of being left? Leave-able? Don’t deserve a relationship that remains intact?

No.

How could it possibly mean this? There are so many factors involved.

How do you react when you believe you actually deserve to be left, or somehow caused it, or made it happen?

I know this is going to sound a little harsh….but it’s kind of grandiose. Negatively grandiose, I know. But I realized, that break up over a decade ago wasn’t All-About-Me. I knew, when I really answered the question honestly, that someone leaving did NOT automatically mean I deserved it.

How do you treat that person, when you think you don’t want them to leave, or you need them to stay so you can still be worthy?

Ooooh. Yikes. I’m treating them like they are a precious diamond or some incredible prize or possession I can’t be happy without. Unhappy when they aren’t around. Happy only if they are.

It’s like being in a volatile prison. Everything’s hanging on what that other person does (coming, going) and I’m not here in my own business watching the world do what it does–which includes that person apparently “leaving”.

People can’t even die without me freaking out, when I believe them leaving means something about me. When people go, I never enjoy my own company.

So who would we be without this incredibly alarming thought that people have to stick around for my worthiness and feeling of deserving ease and support?

Wow.

You mean….I don’t have to depend on anyone staying? I don’t have to believe it means I did something wrong? Or I’ll be alone forever? Or I’m a loser?

Yes, what if this meant nothing about you? Who would you be without the story it’s YOU?

I found this as I did The Work during my divorce. I could see so many reasons why my former husband wanted out of a marriage and to move into a new paradigm, to stop the one-track road he had been on.

As I did my work, and explored who I’d be without my dreadful self-attacking thoughts….

….I could begin to genuinely find turnarounds too, without bitterness.

I am want-able; I’m here, I’m alive, I’m available
I don’t have to depend on someone’s presence to feel love
There is no deserve or not-deserve, I am simply alive and can love this moment no matter who is in or out of it
I’ll be connected and loved forever
everyone really cares about me
I was clinging and crying so fast, he must have meant nothing to me
she/he saved my life by leaving

I can find examples for every single one of these turnarounds.

My life is completely different because of the pain I experienced through break-up. It woke me up. I was in a nightmare when it came to what I believed about relationship and love.

Now, I feel free when it comes to relationship, partnership and love, almost all the time. I get the best of everything: a feeling of independence like being single, and a kind accepting partner to spend time with and laugh with.

I see there’s wonderful things about being all alone, un-partnered, and that “deserving” or “worthiness” have nothing to do with partnering. Except maybe if I feel unworthy to begin with, I’ll put out that vibe big time and people will get the message and leave. I felt that way during my previous marriage: full of doubt and self-criticism. His leaving was a perfect match to how I already saw me. We were on the same page.

I see with others who have left that I don’t have to be so distraught when they go. My father died long ago, for example, and I still feel his love and have little conversations with him all the time. I don’t need his body to be here to feel comfortable.

Who would you really be without your stories of alone-ness or having a partner or being “in” a relationship or being “out” of one?

Everyday we’re “in” then “out” of relationship. Life is moving and dancing all over the place. All day long, this very day, the man who is my husband was gone, nowhere to be seen (by me). I hardly thought of him. He was busy teaching kids. I was busy doing The Work with people.

Perhaps fully breaking up could be the same in the end.

Without me putting heavy, harsh, self-attacking meaning on people coming and going….I’m watching, feeling, loving, sharing, moving, holding still, crying, laughing, thinking, taking action, being a human.

“It’s confusing for someone to conclude that they aren’t loved because there is something wrong with them. This person, who is trying to become lovable spends much time, attention and energy trying to be good, earn approval, please others, be perfect.

And then, when they find that all that trying to be good doesn’t work, and doesn’t in fact get the love and approval they want, the only thing they know how to do is TRY HARDER.

If you can find the willingness to look, and take a stand against the scam self-hate has you caught in, the confusion will give way to clarity.”

~ Cheri Huber in There Is Nothing Wrong With You

All I know is, ending the self-hate scam and self-improvement efforts have freed up time to explore many more things in this world.

And also freed up time or awareness somehow, to notice the red leaves fluttering in the wind through the window, the flash of pale pink blossom between bright green trees, a child on her bicycle flying past the front door, the tapping of the keyboard, the silence behind my back, the willingness to die without having all the answers.

LOL.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Breitenbush! Come join us to question the thoughts that keep you in conditioned self-improvement scam stories. We need you for other adventures in the world. At least, that’s a thought going through this mind. And, I love you even if you’re stuck.