Divorce or breaking up goes from sad, bad, sad….to grateful yahoo

It’s been 3 weeks now since I witnessed the final decline and death of my beloved first husband and father to my children.

I’ve seen many images course through my mind. It’s been like a slide show. They are never in linear or time-bound order.

Something is shown to me and remembered from our first meeting. A Labor Day September golden afternoon barbecue party….then our bright unexpectedly sunny wedding day 11/11….or then it will skip to a few years ago when I picked him up from his first PET scan, right before his cancer diagnosis.

I see his peaceful face after he died, the strangeness as his eyes never fluttered open.

Tears well up, mixed churning feelings, sadness, laughter, wondering.

One surprise of this movement in grief has been memories of the divorce process. In the past, it exploded a huge amount of separation, confusion, feeling abandoned.

We got divorced.

Is that true?

Woah. Yes. Right?

But where’s my proof?

Only in my memory. Only in the mind. Only in my stories of what “divorced” means.

Can I absolutely know it’s true we got divorced?

No. (And you might answer yes, if you have the very same thought–it’s OK). I realize my heart feels love and appreciation for that man that’s never stopped.

What is divorce, anyway?

Yes the relationship changed. Yes we moved into our own houses. Yes I saw less of him. But I have always been connected, even when I didn’t want to be.

How do you react when you believe you got divorced?

Sad, failed, hurt, upset, pining.

Who would you be without the thought “we got divorced”?

I’d feel like all the tons of minutes, hours, days when I have NOT had that thought….and I’ve been living my life with the person or people right in front of me, busy with other things.

I wouldn’t feel like I failed. I wouldn’t feel disappointed or full of “what-if” ideas. I would trust what’s happened and what is.

I would notice all the incredible good that’s come out of the Great Zen Stick, called “divorce” for me, that changed my entire life and woke me up when it comes to relationship.

Turning the thought around: We did not get divorced. I divorced myself. I divorced him. (He didn’t divorce me).

I can find examples of every single one. We remained friends, and always shared holidays and the same neighborhood. In the past, I took the whole thing very personally, even though it wasn’t. And how many times did I criticize and separate from him in my mind during our lives together before he ever even spoke of divorce?

Most important of all is that right in the moment I myself am thinking “we got divorced! (sob)” is the moment it’s happening–and only in my mind. Otherwise, what’s around me is connection; to the floor, the room, the air, the people in my presence.

The divorce happened 11 years ago. I dredged it up as I re-membered my default position from the past–which is that it was all very sad.

Can I turn it around with joy, instead of disappointment? YAHOO! We got divorced! Hooray! Congratulations! Amazing! Wonderful! Success!

Wow.

I can find it.

Because of that thing called “divorce”, I did my own inquiry work in great earnestness, I discovered a career, I became far less dependent, I grew up when it came to relationships–not taking everything so dang personally.

I didn’t just have a husband die of cancer on me.

I notice the joy my children are still able to tap into, even if other moments they are so sad about their dad. I’ve been reminded of the temporariness of my own life and to continue to drop what’s not so important.

Especially my stressful thinking about relationships from the past or into the future, including divorce.

“Inquiry ends suffering by cutting it off at the root. No stressful thought can withstand sincere questioning.” ~ Byron Katie

Are you sad or troubled by a divorce experience? It could be about a relationship, a job, a place….anywhere you believe a division or diversion occurred, where something ended and you didn’t plan or expect  it.

That happened and it’s all sad and terrible.

Is it true?

Who would you be without your story right now?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace 101 begins this upcoming Thursday, July 26th 8-9:30 am PT. In this telecourse, we’ll use The Work of Byron Katie to explore our reasons for eating, and investigate these reasons. For more information about the class, please visit here. We meet every OTHER week until October 4th.

P.P.S. If you had any tech glitches in the new intro course The Work for Dingalings (seven days, one lesson per day) I thank all those who emailed to let me know so I could fix them. Sign up for the course here.