Tag: relationship ending

Posted on

Divorce or breaking up goes from sad, bad, sad….to grateful yahoo

It’s been 3 weeks now since I witnessed the final decline and death of my beloved first husband and father to my children.

I’ve seen many images course through my mind. It’s been like a slide show. They are never in linear or time-bound order.

Something is shown to me and remembered from our first meeting. A Labor Day September golden afternoon barbecue party….then our bright unexpectedly sunny wedding day 11/11….or then it will skip to a few years ago when I picked him up from his first PET scan, right before his cancer diagnosis.

I see his peaceful face after he died, the strangeness as his eyes never fluttered open.

Tears well up, mixed churning feelings, sadness, laughter, wondering.

One surprise of this movement in grief has been memories of the divorce process. In the past, it exploded a huge amount of separation, confusion, feeling abandoned.

All my former worksheets were on how he shouldn’t have left me, I was abandoned, I missed out, he was wrong, this shouldn’t be happening, it’s very sad.
I found all these concepts to be false.
And suddenly, I noticed something interesting as I watched the slide show of the completion of our marriage:
I never did The Work on the simple belief “we got divorced”.

We got divorced.

Is that true?

Woah. Yes. Right?

But where’s my proof?

Only in my memory. Only in the mind. Only in my stories of what “divorced” means.

Can I absolutely know it’s true we got divorced?

No. (And you might answer yes, if you have the very same thought–it’s OK). I realize my heart feels love and appreciation for that man that’s never stopped.

What is divorce, anyway?

Yes the relationship changed. Yes we moved into our own houses. Yes I saw less of him. But I have always been connected, even when I didn’t want to be.

How do you react when you believe you got divorced?

Sad, failed, hurt, upset, pining.

Who would you be without the thought “we got divorced”?

I’d feel like all the tons of minutes, hours, days when I have NOT had that thought….and I’ve been living my life with the person or people right in front of me, busy with other things.

I wouldn’t feel like I failed. I wouldn’t feel disappointed or full of “what-if” ideas. I would trust what’s happened and what is.

I would notice all the incredible good that’s come out of the Great Zen Stick, called “divorce” for me, that changed my entire life and woke me up when it comes to relationship.

Turning the thought around: We did not get divorced. I divorced myself. I divorced him. (He didn’t divorce me).

I can find examples of every single one. We remained friends, and always shared holidays and the same neighborhood. In the past, I took the whole thing very personally, even though it wasn’t. And how many times did I criticize and separate from him in my mind during our lives together before he ever even spoke of divorce?

Most important of all is that right in the moment I myself am thinking “we got divorced! (sob)” is the moment it’s happening–and only in my mind. Otherwise, what’s around me is connection; to the floor, the room, the air, the people in my presence.

The divorce happened 11 years ago. I dredged it up as I re-membered my default position from the past–which is that it was all very sad.

Can I turn it around with joy, instead of disappointment? YAHOO! We got divorced! Hooray! Congratulations! Amazing! Wonderful! Success!

Wow.

I can find it.

Because of that thing called “divorce”, I did my own inquiry work in great earnestness, I discovered a career, I became far less dependent, I grew up when it came to relationships–not taking everything so dang personally.

I didn’t just have a husband die of cancer on me.

I notice the joy my children are still able to tap into, even if other moments they are so sad about their dad. I’ve been reminded of the temporariness of my own life and to continue to drop what’s not so important.

Especially my stressful thinking about relationships from the past or into the future, including divorce.

“Inquiry ends suffering by cutting it off at the root. No stressful thought can withstand sincere questioning.” ~ Byron Katie

Are you sad or troubled by a divorce experience? It could be about a relationship, a job, a place….anywhere you believe a division or diversion occurred, where something ended and you didn’t plan or expect  it.

That happened and it’s all sad and terrible.

Is it true?

Who would you be without your story right now?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace 101 begins this upcoming Thursday, July 26th 8-9:30 am PT. In this telecourse, we’ll use The Work of Byron Katie to explore our reasons for eating, and investigate these reasons. For more information about the class, please visit here. We meet every OTHER week until October 4th.

P.P.S. If you had any tech glitches in the new intro course The Work for Dingalings (seven days, one lesson per day) I thank all those who emailed to let me know so I could fix them. Sign up for the course here.

Posted on

That Person Separated From Me

So many people lately have contacted me to work with them about a a spouse, a lover, a friend, a very close person “leaving” them.

The pain involved in a break up, especially when you believe it shouldn’t be happening (or maybe, ONLY if you think it shouldn’t be happening) is excruciating.

I can hear it in the peoples’ voices….men and women both.

  • She/he shouldn’t have broken up with me
  • It is better being in a relationship than out of one
  • They shouldn’t have left me a voicemail to break up!
  • They shouldn’t have emailed me or written me a letter to break up!
  • They shouldn’t have texted me to break up!
  • I demand face-to-face explanation, time, connection
  • There is a right way to say goodbye

Really?

How do I know it isn’t true that someone should NOT text their break up words?

People do it! It’s reality!

Before we jump all the way to how it might be a good thing to receive a text “I am breaking up with you. We are no longer friends. Please do not contact me again”….I love exploring, with honor and acceptance and compassion, why it feels so bad.

For me, it was because I instantly assumed a whole load of beliefs to be true, and many of them boiled down to “I know what is best for me, for them, for this situation….and it is NOT what is happening.”

Byron Katie likes to joke “who needs God, when we have your opinion?”

That may feel a little harsh, especially when you’re hurting, and it is not meant in any way to suggest that you are wrong.

But for me, it opened up the possibility that what had happened was a good thing, or something I didn’t understand (and maybe never would) and that I may want to consider not toying with the universe and demanding it go the way I want it to go.

This idea is not yet another way to add to your list of pain, that you shouldn’t be so upset, that you are mistaken, that your grief is unfounded.

Your stress and pain is in exactly the most powerful place, the most perfect level, for you to notice how deeply you are fighting reality.

There is reality…with a person texting you “goodbye”.

Right on heals of awareness of this reality, practically the second it occurs, you react.

You explode with anger, terror, pain…you rip the person to shreds, you say how rude they are, how unenlightened, how immature.

People who break up with other people abruptly, with only a few words, are mean, should have given their partners more time, more attention, more comfort, more processing.

Are you sure?

These kinds of thoughts will even appear when someone dies. Suddenly, our beloved partner is gone.

We are shocked, it feels like our world is turned inside out. We can hardly breathe.

And yet, we start to think about what they could have done differently, or what they might have tried or adjusted or considered so that this sudden shocking event of them “leaving” didn’t happen in this exact way.

They shouldn’t have signed up to be in the military in the first place! They should have been wearing their seatbelt! They should have lost weight and taken better care of themselves! They should have gotten sober! They shouldn’t have been up in the middle of the night! They should have consulted a different doctor! They should have gotten their bike fixed!

The mind has a great plan for improvement, even in the past.

But it all points back to a profoundly deep belief that we are separated now, and before, we were together.

You are separated from that person….is it true?

Right in this moment, when you are thinking about them, crying, remembering, seeing them clearly in your mind….are you 100% separated from them?

I didn’t find it to be true, once I looked.

BUT! WAIT!

That person is not IN THE ROOM with me! The future looks as if I may never have them in the same room again with me! Life with that person is OVER!

Look again and be slow about it. Even if think it’s true that you are separated from that beloved person, you may notice that you are not 100% certain.

You have memories, you can picture them perfectly, you can see their smile, you can hear their laughter.

They are in your heart.

“If we’re going to love well, then we’re going to have to stop seeing people as problems.” ~ Adyashanti

This includes them being a problem when they leave.

Perhaps there is no right way to say goodbye, except the way that it is done. That way IS the right way. I can find the advantages every time.

Perhaps you are not actually left, but you are set free…I can see this as true for me.

Perhaps you are not separate from them, or from the universe or life, from All That Is, from Source, mystery, beauty, or love.

In fact, I am sure you are not. It just looked like you were for a moment…according to you.

But it isn’t true.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one.  It has to be you.  The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

Wouldn’t it be amazing to feel the incredible freedom that no one else on this entire planet, including the one who breaks up via text, has to follow your rules?

Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats: