So many people lately have contacted me to work with them about a a spouse, a lover, a friend, a very close person “leaving” them.
The pain involved in a break up, especially when you believe it shouldn’t be happening (or maybe, ONLY if you think it shouldn’t be happening) is excruciating.
I can hear it in the peoples’ voices….men and women both.
- She/he shouldn’t have broken up with me
- It is better being in a relationship than out of one
- They shouldn’t have left me a voicemail to break up!
- They shouldn’t have emailed me or written me a letter to break up!
- They shouldn’t have texted me to break up!
- I demand face-to-face explanation, time, connection
- There is a right way to say goodbye
Really?
How do I know it isn’t true that someone should NOT text their break up words?
People do it! It’s reality!
Before we jump all the way to how it might be a good thing to receive a text “I am breaking up with you. We are no longer friends. Please do not contact me again”….I love exploring, with honor and acceptance and compassion, why it feels so bad.
For me, it was because I instantly assumed a whole load of beliefs to be true, and many of them boiled down to “I know what is best for me, for them, for this situation….and it is NOT what is happening.”
Byron Katie likes to joke “who needs God, when we have your opinion?”
That may feel a little harsh, especially when you’re hurting, and it is not meant in any way to suggest that you are wrong.
But for me, it opened up the possibility that what had happened was a good thing, or something I didn’t understand (and maybe never would) and that I may want to consider not toying with the universe and demanding it go the way I want it to go.
This idea is not yet another way to add to your list of pain, that you shouldn’t be so upset, that you are mistaken, that your grief is unfounded.
Your stress and pain is in exactly the most powerful place, the most perfect level, for you to notice how deeply you are fighting reality.
There is reality…with a person texting you “goodbye”.
Right on heals of awareness of this reality, practically the second it occurs, you react.
You explode with anger, terror, pain…you rip the person to shreds, you say how rude they are, how unenlightened, how immature.
People who break up with other people abruptly, with only a few words, are mean, should have given their partners more time, more attention, more comfort, more processing.
Are you sure?
These kinds of thoughts will even appear when someone dies. Suddenly, our beloved partner is gone.
We are shocked, it feels like our world is turned inside out. We can hardly breathe.
And yet, we start to think about what they could have done differently, or what they might have tried or adjusted or considered so that this sudden shocking event of them “leaving” didn’t happen in this exact way.
They shouldn’t have signed up to be in the military in the first place! They should have been wearing their seatbelt! They should have lost weight and taken better care of themselves! They should have gotten sober! They shouldn’t have been up in the middle of the night! They should have consulted a different doctor! They should have gotten their bike fixed!
The mind has a great plan for improvement, even in the past.
But it all points back to a profoundly deep belief that we are separated now, and before, we were together.
You are separated from that person….is it true?
Right in this moment, when you are thinking about them, crying, remembering, seeing them clearly in your mind….are you 100% separated from them?
I didn’t find it to be true, once I looked.
BUT! WAIT!
That person is not IN THE ROOM with me! The future looks as if I may never have them in the same room again with me! Life with that person is OVER!
Look again and be slow about it. Even if think it’s true that you are separated from that beloved person, you may notice that you are not 100% certain.
You have memories, you can picture them perfectly, you can see their smile, you can hear their laughter.
They are in your heart.
“If we’re going to love well, then we’re going to have to stop seeing people as problems.” ~ Adyashanti
This includes them being a problem when they leave.
Perhaps there is no right way to say goodbye, except the way that it is done. That way IS the right way. I can find the advantages every time.
Perhaps you are not actually left, but you are set free…I can see this as true for me.
Perhaps you are not separate from them, or from the universe or life, from All That Is, from Source, mystery, beauty, or love.
In fact, I am sure you are not. It just looked like you were for a moment…according to you.
But it isn’t true.
“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie
Wouldn’t it be amazing to feel the incredible freedom that no one else on this entire planet, including the one who breaks up via text, has to follow your rules?
Love, Grace
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