Month: January 2014

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Escape Route To The Present

I can walk, I can walk!

Isn’t it funny to become excited about returning to your previously “normal” experience (in my case, having the use of my right leg as a regular working leg)?

The most intense part of the ordeal is over, apparently, in my journey to healing.

Although, I can probably testify that my right leg and hamstring will never be the same again. There’s a big scar, and permanent titanium pins embedded in my right pelvic bone.

But this body, and all its functions…what an incredible entity for receiving our judgments.

Often the mind runs rampant with its opinion about what should or should not be happening:

It should go faster, stop hurting, be smaller, grow taller, return to normal, heal, be younger, have no wrinkles, feel juicier, feel stronger, be softer, flatter, smoother, lighter, heavier. 

It’s sort of an incessant commentary.

In the Eating Peace group, we’re looking at the body, and zoning in on judgments about what is ugly or repulsive.

Too fat.

But what does that actually mean? In the past, I knew something was off about the whole fat/thin, old/young, abled/disabled assessments…but it seemed the only way to oppose all that was to think about something else, or apply affirmations.

Until I found The Work I didn’t even know how to examine this torturous belief-system in detail.

Is it true that your body is too fat, or that part of the body?

Is it true that any part you’re fighting with should be different than it is?

Well, duh. Of course it should different…look at that extra roll around the middle! Yuck!

Are you sure it shouldn’t be the way it is? Are you sure it’s too fat?

Even if you still say “yes”….because it seems like a dumb question…see if you can actually ask and answer.

Because when I stopped to answer, I couldn’t know for sure, not absolutely, that the part of my body I was looking at was ugly.

Scar tissue, atrophied thigh, sagging skin.

Ugly? Even if I were from another planet and had no reference for this belief system?

No.

Who would I be without the thought that something’s wrong here with the body?

Some people think at this point that they’d go off their rocker, become wildly obese, never work out again, stuff themselves silly every day, stop all physical movement, if they didn’t have the idea that something was wrong.

Can you be sure of that? Are you sure you have to hate it and think it’s ugly to get motivated?

Turning the thoughts around: this body should be exactly as it is, in exactly this state at this time.

How could that be truer? How could I be soft, gentle, kind and accepting with this body, here, now?

Which way would feel better….saying “this body sucks” or “this body rocks the house”?

Which way do you think you’d lose weight, feel less pain, relax with the illness you have, recover from an injury?

“Relying on thought has been our escape route. The only instruction we need to follow from the mind is ‘rest in presence’. This one instruction changes everything.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Dropping all ideas about right and wrong with the body, what is or is not true, what I deem ugly or unacceptable, I feel freer, full of wonder. Curious, present.

What if the next time you feel overwhelmed with self-criticism about your body, or despair, or you feel craving and hunger, or a pull towards a substance that doesn’t end up well….you just sat there.

And did nothing.

What if the easiest way really is….the easiest way.

Love, Grace

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Best. Relationship. Ever.

The other day, a new friend shared with me that a relationship expert and mentor she very much appreciates told her if you feel attraction to anyone over a six on the richter scale….

….run the other way, fast.

In other words, if you’re getting thrown off kilter, toppled over, if the ground is moving….DANGER DANGER! 

It made me laugh.

I’ve had a couple of those off-the-charts explosive attractions.

Of course, when I look back, they were big invitations for expressing true love….and I didn’t always do that.

Let me explain.

I totally get why a relationship expert would joke that runningaway if you feel Big Crazy Love might offer a better outcome than running toward.

Thank goodness for the Tuesday Year of Inquiry group this past week. We’ve been looking at attraction, sexuality, dating, romance for the past month…

…and the power of the group connecting together to hear each other’s thoughts and work in inquiry together was soooo valuable.

I’ve had this feeling about intense feelings not only with romantic flares, but others as well.

People in our YOI could relate.

That person should settle down, not move so quick, relax, quit acting so excited, stop being so intense, stop pushing, asking, inviting, showing up, calling, emailing, texting, pestering, returning. Get a grip!

It’s too much! They should back off!

Many years ago when I was in my twenties I was in an office building at the end of the day. It was 5 pm and pitch dark. A north American winter.

I had just been getting to know a man I met in an improv theater class. We had gone out to dinner and had a great conversation for hours.

Leaving my job, I got a phone call from him at my desk.

I had told him where I worked but never given him the number. He had looked up the organization in the phone book, called the main reception, and tracked me down.

I laughed and said “no problem” but I had just a wee bit of a weird feeling, or a question, or a slight spark of alertness.

I ignored it.

The building emptied out, people waving goodbye to me as they passed my door, and soon I was the only person left.

I continued on the phone with my new friend, flirting, joking around, but then he said “Hey, I just got to your work, I’m parked out front.”

Uh. Too much. Too fast. Too intense. Not invited.

Fear raced through my veins.

I said I wasn’t done working, which was actually true, but I normally wouldn’t have stayed at my office to finish my tasks that day, I would have taken them home.

After some light conversation, he told me he was leaving.

I stayed at my desk for 2 hours, until the janitor arrived. I was frightened.

Let’s see what it would be like if back then I had The Work.

Is it true that it’s too much and therefore he should back off?

Yes. Then I wouldn’t have to say anything, or notice how much I don’t like this.

I want him to change, I want him to chill.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should? Am I sure that he should be different, rather than me?

No. Rats. I thought it would be easier for the other person to change.

I don’t like where this is going.

How do I react when I believe I need to escape, it’s too much, I can’t handle it, they are too big, loud, noisy, overbearing, scary, intense…whatever that other person does TOO MUCH of?

I squirm. I get really frightened. I run. I avoid.

But who would I be without the thought that he was too forward, too pushy, too grabby, too full of assumptions, too…..too?

I love this question. So beautiful. So fun.

There that person is, being chaotic, busy, wild, excessive, extreme, surprising….and you do not have the thought that there’s no way to handle it but to run for the hills?

I’d feel clear, direct, focused, aware. I’d tell the truth.

I’m surprised you’re here. It feels strange to me. It’s odd that you tracked me down at work, I don’t want to talk with you while at my job. I can’t see you right now. I’m uncomfortable with what you’re doing. I’m not able to meet you. I hear you, and my answer is no. 

Even parents have trouble with their thoughts and a screaming child, along these lines.

Who would THEY be without the belief that it’s too much, too big, too loud for them to handle? That their kid is wrong for being the way they are being, and should stop, NOW?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in a form that we haven’t understood yet…..Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet….(and that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts around: they should be this way, they are not too much, I can say yes or no and be totally honest, I am receiving good information, there is no disappointment, upset, or defense needed.

I am safe, clear.

If that form is love arising then I am love arising too.

Complete freedom. No need to be against them. Honest expression. Truth.

I speak with strength from my heart, with love that is like a strong rod, rooted in the earth. I care for myself, I care for them.

“Negative feelings are in you, not in reality. Stop trying to change reality. That’s crazy! Stop trying to change the other person. We spend all our time and energy trying to change external circumstances, trying to change our spouses, our bosses, our friends, our enemies and everybody else. We don’t have to change anything. Negative feelings are in YOU.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Thank you Big Crazy Love for showing up. It showed me every time where I needed to be more real, gentle, expressive, kind…

….and to express my own big crazy love, not just for that other person, but most of all, for me. 

What would it be like if YOU were your number one biggest fan, and you held yourself, took care of yourself, loved and trusted yourself, did the kindest thing you could imagine for yourself, rescued yourself, in the presence of that tough person?

Best. Relationship. Ever.

With love, Grace

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Telling The Truth To Others Changes Everything

The Year of Inquiry (YOI!) circle begins 3/7/2014 and our in-person live group (optional) retreat in Seattle is only two months away. If you are seriously considering joining this fabulous one-year small group of inquirers, email me soon for a conversation: grace@workwithgrace.com.

A participant shared this with the YOI group, and I feel the same way:“I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. I thank me, too, for this gift to myself.” ~ YOI Circle Participant

Being connected to others in groups and at a deeply intimate level has offered me shifts in my life that have changed…..everything.

But being in a group can be uncomfortable! It can be really freaky scary!It might be boring, stupid, full of annoying people, or depressing!

The first time I went to a twelve step meeting, thirty years ago, I was so shocked that people spoke the way they were speaking. I was quite literally stunned.

I had no idea you could say out loud what was going on inside your mind and heart.

I had no idea you could actually tell the truth.
But I caught the bug of awareness about my own mind by hearing others talk about theirs.
A few years later, I joined a therapy group.
That scared me half to death. I was silent for six months before the therapist actually said “your silence is actually very controlling”.
OMG! Really? But I don’t want anyone, ever, to see anything wrong with ME!
Oh. Right.
When I first encountered The Work of Byron Katie, I felt a memory stir of how I felt when I started that group therapy in my twenties.
I wanted to clam up.
Thanks! Got it! I’ll just go away and handle this BY MYSELF!
See ya! I’m good!
OK then!
Yep, yessirree I’ve done a LOT of personal work so I’ll take it from here!
I wanted to burn my Judge Your Neighbor worksheets. I might even look over my shoulder while I wrote them just to make sure no one was coming.
Once, I even watched myself skip right over one of my sentences written down, one of my stressful concepts, as I read them all out loud to an actual facilitator (that I could hardly believe I had hired).
I couldn’t read that one. Then the facilitator will really hate me.
Maybe some judgments are acceptable, but not that one.
I’ll just work on that one later, by myself in my closet with a flashlight.
The truth is, when you work with a group of people, and get to know them and show up regularly, you have no way to manipulate, direct, appease, lighten, or control what anyone does, says, thinks or feels when you tell the absolute truth.

We may see parts of you that you normally keep hidden. You may not be able to keep that ugly stuff to yourself anymore.

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.” ~ Pema Chodron
 

The thing is, you can only maneuver your life into being closed and careful for so long.At some point, for everyone, their interest in the truth and revealing themselves becomes more important than holding things together.

I find every time I join a collection of people with the intention to learn, grow, incorporate and understand….it’s thrilling. Our joining makes something wonderful happen.

But I’ve got a lot of practice now at self-disclosure. I know from experience that it works WAY better than puttin’ a lid on it.

I speak from careful testing.I would have LOVED to maintain a perfect image and never have to say the yucky stuff, the fears, the anger, the sadness.

But it was killing me not to.

Even if you’re super crazy shy, you know how great it feels to have one of those wonderful, close, connected, honest conversations.

Being with others in a deeply honest way may not only be good, it may change your entire life. Twelve step groups, support groups, one-on-one counseling, group therapy, retreats, prayer circles, study groups, people who do The Work of Byron Katie together.

We the people are somewhere you can reach us…whether on the phone, in your neighborhood, in your city.

You mean….I am going to reveal my stressful, weird, unpleasant, nasty, immature, pissy beliefs?

You mean I’m going to tell about my inadequacies, fears, and anger?

You mean I’m going to write what is inside my head? On paper (not in invisible ink)? And read what I write OUT LOUD?

Yes. You are. You know you want to!

You may feel sick for a little bit, but it rocks. The more I’ve done The Work….the easier its gotten to reveal my innermost crushing thoughts to other humans.

In fact, the cave is no longer dark and musty and smelly….the one filled with all those resistant beliefs.

It’s rather light and treasure-filled now.I see now that this comes from being totally and completely honest, noticing exactly where and what I wanted to hide, and uncovering it…all the way.

“Most people don’t get out of childhood, or adolescence, without being wounded for telling the truth. Someone says ‘you can’t say that’ or ‘you shouldn’t say that’ or ‘that wasn’t appropriate’ so most of us human beings have a very deep underlying conditioning that says that just to be who we are is not OK…….Most human beings have an imprinting that if they’re real, if they’re honest, somebody’s not gonna like it. And they won’t be able to control their environment if they tell the truth.” ~ Adyashanti

Letting go of control, you become very honest.That moment of speaking the truth without trying to get anything or expect anything or look a particular way…of just being you…what an amazing shift.You may notice a freedom beyond belief.

“If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

If you’re ready to be with a group, supporting you through inquiry with honesty and integrity, then come on down to the One Year Program and join our telegroup, starting 3/7/2014.You will be welcome here…the real you.Love, Grace(This Grace Note went out originally in Sept 2013…it’s modified here since I’m gone celebrating my birthday.)

 

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Missing Real Life By Trying To Achieve Something

There is nothing like a group to encourage, celebrate, learn, connect, and challenge your personal perceptions of the world.

The group doesn’t have to be big.

The group can even be a group of two.

But that contact with another serves as one of the most incredible opportunities for juicy, visceral awakening to who you are that is possible.

This past week I got to be with incredible people from several countries and continents, in two different groups.

The first? We were all gathered around big round tables with white table cloths in a conference room at a hotel. Food, hot drink, kind faces, people sharing.

The second? People sitting close on couches and soft chairs in a living room, tea mugs nearby, food on the kitchen island. People sharing.

The first was for business leadership, the second for spiritual leadership. Me being a leader in my own life.

And yet, not so much. 

More like learning to STOP leading!

Here’s why:

As I sat in the company of other amazing people, I became aware of how little I can manage, how there is nothing really necessary to do, and how much the thought “I have to achieve something”all by myself has been stressful.

Let’s take a look with The Work.

Have you ever had the belief that you need to achieve, build, create, go for something, get something, understand, accomplish, manage, attend to, grow, win?

Most people have.

There are books written on how to accomplish and build, on how to win. Including spiritual awareness or enlightenment. Definitely on business.

But it is really true?

Are you sure you need to plan, control, manage, drive or build something?

Yes! I say yes! I need to work at it! Give myself pep talks (or get them from other people)!

Go Go Go! Success is coming!

However, can I really know it’s absolutely true that I need to lead? That I really do need to achieve something?

Not at all. Not when I think about it.

Nothing really has to be done or accomplished…at least not by me.

The groups prove it.

I get this body, called Grace, over to that location where there’s been an agreed-upon time and we all connect, listen, contemplate and feel alive together.

Sometimes there’s aggravation with others, or one other person…oh good. Inquiry time.

Sometimes there’s a feeling of great unity and joy.

But all that’s required is being there and noticing, watching the mind have its opinions about where or what you’re supposed to be.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to achieve something, soon, or tomorrow, or yesterday?

Without the thought that I need to be something bigger and better than I am?

Completely and totally free.

“If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. What looks like weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength. This spiritual truth is diametrically opposed to the values of our contemporary culture and the way it conditions people to behave.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

I turn the thought around: I do NOT need to achieve anything. I do not need to be better, more improved, or different than I am. 

Wow. Could that be true?

Because what I notice is that achievement happens, I grow, leadership gets developed, learning and connections occur.

“The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the uninterpreted moment. If you are mentally somewhere else, you miss real life.” ~ Byron Katie

I adore showing up to hang with other people. I love them all, the new friends and the old.

Together, we all do, say, think, feel, live.

Joy!

Nothing required. Imagine that.

With love, Grace

P.S. If you’re wanting a group to journey with for a whole year in self-inquiry using The Work then join us on Fridays, March 7, 2014 – February 2015. We dive in, get to know each other deeply, and live honestly. It’s wonderful.

 

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Fear Loves You To Fight It

Dreams can be really disturbing. The ones you have at night, when you’re sleeping.

Random, chaotic, funny…..or horrifying.

The other night I woke up terrified because I was falling off a cliff. I’ve had this dream before. During a meditation retreat.

The body reacts as if the dream really happened. I woke up with my heart beating wildly, and adrenaline shooting through my veins.

Sometimes people say it’s hard to shake the nightmare when they have one, it may haunt them for awhile during their day.

Movies can bring on the same physical reactions. It’s like we’re on an emotional ride with the characters we’re watching.

We start sobbing when someone dies, or grit our teeth when someone does mean, bullying things.

Often when people have bad dreams, or see unsettling movies, they will they exclaim that they wish they could forget about it.

God, I wish I’d stop feeling so scared, quit picturing that awful scene. I wish I hadn’t ever seen that film! I wish I didn’t ever have that nightmare! What’s wrong with my mind, showing me such rotten, freaky scenarios! Jeez! 

We don’t want to bring up a bad memory, either.

I wish it would GO AWAY. I wish I would forget that ever happened!

The thing is, resisting the dream, being against it, pushing it away, believing that you need to forget about it ASAP….

…often brings on the opposite of what you’re seeking: more fear, anger, worry, dread.

When I used to compulsively eat, my fear was obvious. The eating was frantic, secretive, like a big scream. I ate fast, viciously and feverishly. Like I was starving to death.

Some people eat, or smoke, or drink, or engage in all the tons of other kinds of addictive behaviors like shopping or computer surfing out of a similar fear….dread, worry, nervousness, anxiety.

What if we took a look at that feeling of fear, and questioned our judgments of it, using The Work?

Is it true that the images you see should go away, that you should be calm, not anxious…that you should be relaxed instead of triggered?

Yes! Of course! Who wants to be haunted by a bad dream, or a scary movie?

Are you crazy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, without doubt…I mean do you really know that whatever has frightened you should vanish from your mind?

That you should forget it? Like it never happened?

No. Apparently there’s memory, visions, images, remembering over and over, revisiting, looking.

I have no idea if that shouldn’t occur.

Your answer may still be “yes” though. You may feel the dream should stop scaring you, should stop being there in your mind.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that whatever has frightened you should leave? That the fear itself should vanish, ASAP?

For me…I spent a lot of time running.

Quick! Distract yourself! Quick! Find the scary thing and kill it! Quick! Find comfort! Quick! Slam the door and lock it!

I shouldn’t have this feeling! I hate this feeling! I can’t stand this feeling!

But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that fear, anxiety, nervousness or dread will destroy you and should be avoided?

Strange, right? Without the thought that Fear Is Bad?

I would be a little more open to it. I’d allow it to be as it is. It’s an energy. A wave. It comes and goes.

I’d notice I have no control over this thing called “fear”.

If I wasn’t against fear, I wouldn’t attack the things that produced it, like movies or bad dreams (or people).

I wouldn’t protect myself with such care, making sure I don’t ever feel fear or anxiety.

Without the thought that fear must be gotten rid of…must leave…?

I’d be so much more open, inviting more in, not running away. Standing on solid ground, rooted, willing, letting go.

Without the thought that feeling fear is a terrible thing, I’d take a huge deep breath, and then another.

I turn the thought around:  

This sensation, this image, this mental picture, this feeling….. should stay. This horrible scene in my mind is OK to allow to be there. This wretched memory doesn’t absolutely have to go. 

As odd as it may seem, when I allow everything to stay right here, including the terror of death-by-falling-off-a-cliff it begins to look lighter.

Letting that bad, terrible scene you really experienced be there, instead of fighting to get rid of it, you may finally find your sweet relief.

“This energy of fear loves a good fight. It’s an internal bully. It LOVES for you to try to get rid of it. To try to transcend it. To try to go beyond it. Fear loves it, it feeds on it. The more you try not to be afraid, the more afraid you get. The more you try not to be anxious, the more anxiety you feel….[Instead], grant permission for almost infinite space for fear and anxiety.” ~ Adyashanti

What I notice is, I can’t get rid of fear. Fear happens.

Nightmares or dreams, or vivid memories occur. They fill the mind’s eye.

But letting these pictures be there is honest.

I’m afraid.

When I don’t argue with reality, I feel afraid, and then I feel space, or I feel comfort, or I feel love.

I live through frightening things. I live through feelings of fear.

“In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.” ~ Byron Katie 

Don’t be afraid of your fear, your pictures of fear, your fearful dreams, your fearful memories.

You are here despite them all.

All is well.

With love, Grace

 

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Who’s The Boring One?

Next Saturday: Mini retreat for anyone 1:30-5:30 pm 2/1 Goldilocks Cottage Seattle. Beginners and experienced all welcome to come do The Work…your work. Question your thinking, change your life. Supplies and snacks.

*******

This is boring. 

How many times in your life have you had that thought?

Sometimes it’s got a friendly feel to it, like when a good friend leans over to you at a school lecture and whispers it, and you both smile.

Sometimes it’s got a little more punch to it.

Like when you’re at work in a meeting and fifteen employees stand up to talk about their new department reports one after the other. Yawn.

Sometimes…it’s more like “this is soooooo freakin’ boring, I’m gonna rip my eyes out!” 

Heh heh.

Not that I myself would be so impatient.

But since I notice a little, uh, aggravation accompanying this aggressive thought, let’s do The Work.

First, when does that thought rise up most of all? When does it feel the strongest, the surge of frustration, the wave of irritation?

SOOOOOOOO BORING!!

Is there a person involved?

Because for me, there’s always another person involved.

Some people think it’s boring to be sitting somewhere all alone, waiting for their turn perhaps, waiting to board the train, waiting for the forms to get filled out.

But that’s never really that boring.

In that situation, I’m always staring at all the activity, the people, the room, the furniture with a sort of fascination. I don’t mind waiting.

No, for me….the Boredom Attack comes on when I think Someone Else is extra crazy boring.

  • How can he talk endlessly about how he wants a girlfriend, for so many years?
  • She always has the same problem….her mean neighbor and other rude people
  • Him and his drunkalogues and drinking escapades….so annoying
  • He never stops mentioning his need to lose weight
  • Oh here we go again with her about her husband and how boring HE is

In that moment, the voice inside my head is “bored” with the other person’s story.

So how do I react when I believe that they are telling a boring, repetitive story?

I think they should be quiet, give it a rest, stop complaining, DO something about their “problem” for once.

Is that true that they should do something, quit bellyaching about the same thing over and over again, move on?

I have no idea. It’s not absolutely true.

The way I react is inside, I’m rolling my eyes, I pull away, zone out, tune out, think about how to get outta here, away from their moving lips.

But I don’t say anything I’m thinking.

Wouldn’t want to be rude. Or mean.

Who would I be if I didn’t believe that they should do something, stop repeating their story, and put an end to telling me about it?

Wow.

Without the belief that they are a problem?

I’d listen. I mean….actually really listen, and then move on myself.

I might say “I’ve heard you speak about this before, several times. This is really important to you and it sounds like you have no idea how to sort this out. How can I help?” 

Right in the middle of their sentence I might say “I’m going now”and go to my next interest.

Without the thought, I hear them telling their story and don’t feel serious about it.

I don’t believe their story is absolutely true, even if they think it is.

I notice where I am drawn, what I find appealing and exciting and pleasurable….and I go that way, naturally.

I turn the thoughts around:

They should not quit yakking on and on about the same thing, I should. They are not a problem for me. They are expressing themselves the best they know how. They shouldn’t do something to fix their problem, I should do something to fix MY problem—with THEM. 

If I really lived this turnaround, opened to a new way of being instead of being so positive they are boring….

….I would realize how boring I am.

I say the same thing EVERY TIME about that person.

I behave the SAME way. I go foggy and start figuring out ways to exit the conversation the way I always do.

“The human condition is characterized by a compulsive and obsessive personal relationship to thought……You must become more interested in the Unknown than in that which is known. Otherwise you will remain enslaved by the very narrow and distorted perspective of conceptual thinking. You must go so deeply into the Unknown that you are no longer referencing thought to tell you who and what you are.” ~ Adyashanti 

In that moment when I think someone is boring, who is the boring one?

Because in reality, this is the most fascinating, creative, mysterious, bizarre world, along with everyone I encounter.

When that supposedly boring person is talking, I might simply move towards something else, walk away.

Or suddenly feel like going over to them and giving them a big bear hug.

With love,

Grace

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I’ll Never Live The Good Life Money Worries

Yesterday morning was the very last session of the current Money telegroup.

Our assignment together….think of the worst that could happen

to you when it comes to money.

People had visions of living on the street, pushing a cart, moving into a basement somewhere, losing every thing, sleeping in a car….

….but not only these frightening visions of homelessness or poverty, there was another troubling belief that rose to the surface from one participant’s worksheet:

I will never live the good life.

I can relate.

I may be surviving, I may even be able to pay for the repair guy to come fix the dishwasher, I’ve paid for my kid’s private school tuition, I may get my car to the shop for broken brakes, I can buy any kind of bread I want–even the $6 loaf from the local organic bakery.

BUT.

I’m not living the good life…the premium life.

That life over there where people drive fancy cars, custom order $2000 shoes, go to the spa, take private jet rides, throw big parties by the sea, and donate $1 million to charity (in case you were wondering where Mother Teresa went).

Last weekend (OK, on my crutches still since you asked, did you have to remind me?) I went to a most breath-taking gathering with a bunch of exquisite new friends.

We’re all in a program together. These people were kind, fun, creative business owners. Many solo entrepreneurs.

Like me.

We were all going to eat dinner together, and Stan invited us over to his place instead of out to a restaurant.

I didn’t know Stan, but I could tell he was a real sweetheart.

OK, I’ll go.

Off we all went, drivers getting maps on their phones, explanations, people putting in the GPS address and pointing off in the direction we’d be headed.

Then we were all there, unloading, parking, laughing.

Through a gate, we entered a courtyard. Off to the left, an indoor basketball court, to the right a tasteful row of 6 garage doors.

Then, through a spectacular arch-way entrance into a gorgeous lodge-like living room with beautiful leather couches, mission-style beams up high across the ceiling.

One part of the huge living room wall slid open, like a theater, to a garden patio, with a deep blue swimming pool in a cove shape, and luxurious outdoor furniture and tables.

I marveled with the beauty of what humans can build. The creativity, the design.

Part way into the evening, people talking, eating, playing music, having drinks….I had the thought “this is the good life”. 

But I’m only invited. I didn’t MAKE this good life. I didn’t invent it, create it, or build it.

Stan did.

My mind, as if something’s suddenly occurring to that Voice, kicks in and says “How did he do it? Why didn’t I start thinking about money and following the bread crumbs earlier in life? I should have studied business 30 years ago, I should have…”

Right then, literally as my mind is starting to light a match under thoughts of inadequacy, slight melancholy, the feeling like I’m watching this life from an outside window looking through, another new friend plops down next to me.

“You’re gonna have a challenge with all this, aren’t you?” he says with a twinkle in his eye.

What a sweet, powerful, wonderful question! So intimate!

We then had the best discussion EVER. About money, mind, thinking, beliefs, past experiences, history, future.

Looking back now a few days later, and being in inquiry deeply with fellow companions this morning, I realize how exciting it is to be without the concepts, imagining who I would be again without my story of money:….

“that is far away from this…the good life is over there, not here….I am inadequate, not doing it right…I should have done it differently…there’s something missing…”

Today, we found the most precious examples and the crisp, clear turnarounds: I will always live the good life, I will never live the bad life.

As peoples’ voices choked up with gratitude and realization for the goodness of this life they have lived….they remembered all the really difficult stuff they’ve experienced, with appreciation.

This included sudden death of loved ones, losing possessions, feeling completely alone, having things destroyed, being left behind.

“All you want is to be happy. All your desires, whatever they may be, are longing for happiness. Basically, you wish yourself well…desire by itself is not wrong…….[But] to imagine that some little thing–food, sex, power, fame–will make you happy is to deceive oneself. Only something as vast and deep as your real self can make you truly and lastingly happy.”~ Nisargadatta 

One thing I know. My real self goes with me everywhere, just like you.

It is walking down the street past a dumpster, it is gazing into an artistic blue and white glass fire pit in Stan’s amazing back yard, it is breathing deeply all the air that is supplied, without needing to do anything for it.

“Many of us are motivated by a desire for success. But what is success? What do we want to achieve? We do only three things in life: We stand, we sit, we lie horizontal. Once we’ve found success, we’ll still be sitting somewhere, until we stand, and we’ll stand until we lie down or sit again. Success is a concept, an illusion. Do you want the $3900 chair instead of the $39 one? Well, sitting is sitting. Without a story, we’re successful wherever we are.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

If you want to join the next 8 week money telegroup, we begin again on Thursday, January 31st at 1:00-2:30 pm Pacific time.

And yes, I am developing this class for personal format, so you can follow along on your own and listen to audio. Stay tuned.

With love, Grace

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Alone And Aggravated

Feeling connected with life, the planet, other humans, our surroundings….isn’t always easy, or automatic, or clear.

Even if we know we’re connected to others in the big scheme of things, like we get it cognitively with our thoughts, the deep feeling sense of being alone can still be alive.

And sometimes, it isn’t fun.

I used to feel like it was floating in outer space with no planet, human, or warmth in sight.

Yesterday the Eating Peace group met for the second time.

Everyone had the invitation to consider their “worst” moments or times of day with food. A repetitive experience.

So many people I’ve worked with over the years have a restless, unpleasant, empty, lonely feeling when they are toward the end of their day.

Perhaps it’s already evening, or night time. Open time. Choice. A desire for entertainment. No need for work. Space. Silence. Home.

During the day, there’s morning, work, to-do lists, errands. Sometimes a reason to keep it together. A job. Other People.

But oh…….the evening.

Many people drawn to drink alcohol do it at this hour as well.

So what’s going on?

For me, I often finally felt like I could relax, stop doing the “right” thing all day, stop working so dang hard.

Sometimes, the empty space of evening allowed my deeper fears or longings to stir….and I didn’t really want to spend time with those fears or look at them head on.

In any case, the space of silence and being alone can bring out some of our strongest beliefs about the universe.

Seriously. It’s that big, and that telling.

There I am, by myself in my safe, warm home. No one to ask me questions, look at me, see me, criticize me, attack me, compete against me, blame me, or need me.

What’s going on for you? How do you talk to yourself?

Some inquirers in Eating Peace said they had the “right” things to do and the “wrong” things to do in that empty space.

I can relate.

My own mind would start in, when I had several free hours and a night alone.

I should do laundry, wash the blankets, clean the kitchen, vacuum, empty the garbage, work on a creative project, write, work out at the gym, write her a thank you letter, read, clean out my closet, research.

I should do something productive.

It was almost like my own mind wouldn’t let me alone to Do Nothing.

Where was the freedom?!

In food.

It was the only way I could be chaotic, non-logical, wild, a rebel, and stop the dictator mind that wouldn’t let me relax, do what I wanted, have pleasure, enjoy myself.

Here’s the belief that would enter, and seem really, really true:

Eating will be nice, comforting, fun, sneaky, an alternative to more work, satisfying. It will help me turn off the mind that never stops and get something for me, for once. 

Let’s take this to inquiry.

Is it true that eating something, in that moment of empty space, with mental chatter that isn’t exactly supportive, will distract me and allow me to get something for me?

Yes. I’m rebelling and crushing that mental chatter. It’s so demanding!

With food, I defy that voice (or maybe for you its alcohol, or some other compulsive process).

But can I absolutely know that it’s true that at that moment, food helps?

Yes! That’s why I keep eating! It actually helps!

What a stupid question!

But here’s the interesting inquiry: can you absolutely know that eating will really, really help in the end?

Um, that would definitely be a NO. A big fat no. Because I’m filled with suffering around food when I realize it actually “works” to a certain extent to give me some relief….but it doesn’t help the silence, the emptiness, the lonesomeness, the cravings, or the frustration Go Away.

Ever.

I override the harsh voice temporarily, I get some power back (I’ll eat what I DAMN WELL PLEASE you &*^%#@!)

But. Bummer. The trance always ends.

And it can’t have really helped, because I am suffering.

When I believe that food, or whatever, changes the channel and gives me some relief from the toil of it all, how do  I react?

I get into the whatever. I eat.

Who would I be without the thought that I have no power?

Who would I be without the thought that empty space, quiet stillness, or open time should be filled?

Who would I be without the thought that I am not capable of finding my own answers, or dealing with the evenings in my life?

Without the thought that eating something will help?

I would feel hope. I would feel curious. Patience. Wondering. Willing to be honest.

I also might cry my eyes out. I might realize how pissed off I feel sometimes.

 

But I’d be willing to stop taking so seriously that chatterbox that won’t shut up about what a loser I am.

“I can give you the simples of all possible rules of thumb: Any time a voice is talking to you that is not talking with love and compassion, don’t believe it! No exceptions!” ~ Cheri Huber

I turn the thoughts around:

Eating something will not help me. Eating something in this haunted alone evening time will hinder me.

Doing anything addictive and distracting will not help me.

“Meditation….is seeing our emotions and thoughts just as they are right now, in this very moment, in this very room, on this very seat. It’s about not trying to make them go away, not trying to become better than we are, but just seeing clearly with precision and gentleness.” ~ Pema Chodron

Could it be this simple?

Yes.

Love, Grace

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What If I Don’t Wake Up?

I am sitting in the airport (yes, my crutches are still with me and very nice people have been wheeling me around in wheelchairs).

This morning my flight is pretty early….but my ride to the airport even earlier.

Have you ever woken up off and on all night before going on a trip?

Because last night, my sleep was that kind of sleep.

I looked at the clock at 2:33 am, and then 4:04 am. Always the concern “how much longer?” and then a sort of funny back-of-the-mind thought about whether or not I would actually wake up with the alarm.

So funny, the idea that I would NOT hear the alarm, or awaken…as if somehow, I would remain asleep and miss this important occasion.

That part of mind has such an unrelaxed, nervous attitude towards my capacity to wake up.

As if!

Such anticipation of a near-future error! I might screw up!

For the first time, this morning, I actually did The Work on this very small, minor stressful thought “If I missed my flight, it would be terrible”.

Because it is only because of that threatening possibility that I even care about waking up, planning, packing, moving.

Is it true that it would be terrible if I missed my flight?

YES! It would cost money, mess up my schedule at home, and be imposing on my airport pick-up when I arrive at my destination.

I might miss the next class I’m teaching, I might miss my doctor’s appointment, I might, I might, I might…

Hmmmm. Would it really be terrible to miss my flight?

Maybe not. There is nothing unsafe about rescheduling anything and everything. Change occurs.

I see what I’m like WITH the thought. I feel like I never slept all night (which is not actually true).

With the belief, I am leaning into the future in a pretty stressful way, like I’m anticipating the next hours ahead. I’m thinking about when all this is over with, and I’m done traveling. Like I want to skip this moving/waiting/rushing part where I’m on the move.

Who would I be without the thought that it would be terrible to miss my flight?

I would not be diving into the next 10 hours trying to “see” them and make sure they are safe.

Without the thought, I trust myself to participate in this idea of travel, waking up, alarms, being ready, waiting in the agreed upon places.

All is well, whatever happens.

I turn the thought around “it would be wonderful if I missed my flight”. 

Now it’s getting interesting.

I might have quiet time. I’d have time to sit with my computer, or my book…or to close my eyes and rest. I might see more of the strange city I’ve been in. I might run into someone fun.

Something deep inside would relax.

Suddenly, I realize that the thought about not waking up with an alarm feels the same as the thought about not waking up to the Truth, or Enlightenment….

….that future open state of peace.

Eckhart Tolle reminds me that if I focus on the future, my goals, the time on the clock, I begin to lose.

That includes the focus on waking up. Whatever kind of waking up I’m thinking about. 

“Your life’ journey is no longer an adventure, just an obsessive need to arrive, to attain, to “make it.” You no longer see or smell the flowers by the wayside either, nor are you aware of the beauty and the miracle of life that unfolds all around you when you are present in the Now.” 

There could be wonderful, exciting things about missing my flight, missing the future.

Who knows. It is not sooooooo up to me as I think. Everything is working here together with this plan to move from point A to point B. Or not.

Remembering that I am open to whatever happens, everything within rests.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.” 

With love,

Grace

 

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How Would It Be? Song For You

Today I’m sharing with you all a song that a dear inquirer in the Year of Inquiry program shared with our group.

We call it our Doing The Work theme song.

Who would you be without your sad, hard, agonizing, painful story?

Play it here, and enjoy.

(You can find the artist, Ellis, at ellis-music.com)

The next Year of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind group begins on Friday, March 7th.

Our small group will meet for a whole year with 3 telegroups per month, from 9-10:30 am Pacific time. With 2 optional in-person retreats in Seattle.

Lucky in YOI

“Thanks for putting up with me. It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!” ~ YOI member

With love, Grace