The other day, a new friend shared with me that a relationship expert and mentor she very much appreciates told her if you feel attraction to anyone over a six on the richter scale….
….run the other way, fast.
In other words, if you’re getting thrown off kilter, toppled over, if the ground is moving….DANGER DANGER!
It made me laugh.
I’ve had a couple of those off-the-charts explosive attractions.
Of course, when I look back, they were big invitations for expressing true love….and I didn’t always do that.
Let me explain.
I totally get why a relationship expert would joke that runningaway if you feel Big Crazy Love might offer a better outcome than running toward.
Thank goodness for the Tuesday Year of Inquiry group this past week. We’ve been looking at attraction, sexuality, dating, romance for the past month…
…and the power of the group connecting together to hear each other’s thoughts and work in inquiry together was soooo valuable.
I’ve had this feeling about intense feelings not only with romantic flares, but others as well.
People in our YOI could relate.
That person should settle down, not move so quick, relax, quit acting so excited, stop being so intense, stop pushing, asking, inviting, showing up, calling, emailing, texting, pestering, returning. Get a grip!
It’s too much! They should back off!
Many years ago when I was in my twenties I was in an office building at the end of the day. It was 5 pm and pitch dark. A north American winter.
I had just been getting to know a man I met in an improv theater class. We had gone out to dinner and had a great conversation for hours.
Leaving my job, I got a phone call from him at my desk.
I had told him where I worked but never given him the number. He had looked up the organization in the phone book, called the main reception, and tracked me down.
I laughed and said “no problem” but I had just a wee bit of a weird feeling, or a question, or a slight spark of alertness.
I ignored it.
The building emptied out, people waving goodbye to me as they passed my door, and soon I was the only person left.
I continued on the phone with my new friend, flirting, joking around, but then he said “Hey, I just got to your work, I’m parked out front.”
Uh. Too much. Too fast. Too intense. Not invited.
Fear raced through my veins.
I said I wasn’t done working, which was actually true, but I normally wouldn’t have stayed at my office to finish my tasks that day, I would have taken them home.
After some light conversation, he told me he was leaving.
I stayed at my desk for 2 hours, until the janitor arrived. I was frightened.
Let’s see what it would be like if back then I had The Work.
Is it true that it’s too much and therefore he should back off?
Yes. Then I wouldn’t have to say anything, or notice how much I don’t like this.
I want him to change, I want him to chill.
Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should? Am I sure that he should be different, rather than me?
No. Rats. I thought it would be easier for the other person to change.
I don’t like where this is going.
How do I react when I believe I need to escape, it’s too much, I can’t handle it, they are too big, loud, noisy, overbearing, scary, intense…whatever that other person does TOO MUCH of?
I squirm. I get really frightened. I run. I avoid.
But who would I be without the thought that he was too forward, too pushy, too grabby, too full of assumptions, too…..too?
I love this question. So beautiful. So fun.
There that person is, being chaotic, busy, wild, excessive, extreme, surprising….and you do not have the thought that there’s no way to handle it but to run for the hills?
I’d feel clear, direct, focused, aware. I’d tell the truth.
I’m surprised you’re here. It feels strange to me. It’s odd that you tracked me down at work, I don’t want to talk with you while at my job. I can’t see you right now. I’m uncomfortable with what you’re doing. I’m not able to meet you. I hear you, and my answer is no.
Even parents have trouble with their thoughts and a screaming child, along these lines.
Who would THEY be without the belief that it’s too much, too big, too loud for them to handle? That their kid is wrong for being the way they are being, and should stop, NOW?
“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in a form that we haven’t understood yet…..Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet….(and that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie
I turn the thoughts around: they should be this way, they are not too much, I can say yes or no and be totally honest, I am receiving good information, there is no disappointment, upset, or defense needed.
I am safe, clear.
If that form is love arising then I am love arising too.
Complete freedom. No need to be against them. Honest expression. Truth.
I speak with strength from my heart, with love that is like a strong rod, rooted in the earth. I care for myself, I care for them.
“Negative feelings are in you, not in reality. Stop trying to change reality. That’s crazy! Stop trying to change the other person. We spend all our time and energy trying to change external circumstances, trying to change our spouses, our bosses, our friends, our enemies and everybody else. We don’t have to change anything. Negative feelings are in YOU.” ~ Anthony DeMello
Thank you Big Crazy Love for showing up. It showed me every time where I needed to be more real, gentle, expressive, kind…
….and to express my own big crazy love, not just for that other person, but most of all, for me.
What would it be like if YOU were your number one biggest fan, and you held yourself, took care of yourself, loved and trusted yourself, did the kindest thing you could imagine for yourself, rescued yourself, in the presence of that tough person?
Best. Relationship. Ever.
With love, Grace