Tag: loving yourself

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Be A Star Without A Name

One of my all-time favorite experiences in my life is connecting with my fascinating family. I have an awesome father (who hasn’t been alive in physical form for 24 years), a dynamic, enthusiastic mother who travels the world, and three truly amazing sisters.

And there have been moments. Shall we say.

Every single person in my family of origin (FOO as we call it) has had their thoughts, little irritations, bigger arguments, concerns, sadness, and fears about other members of the family.

Dang, those people close to us, related to us, are powerful teachers.

When I’ve spent time with my family in large gatherings, I love noticing the small eddies and zaps of thought that arise inside as commentary, or sensations: I like that, I don’t like this, I want more of that, I don’t care about this, she thinks, he says, they should….

So quick the movements towards and away, back and forth, here and there, thinking, feeling.

When you go to a group event, who would you be without the belief that there was anything missing in your family or those people gathered in the room?

Without the belief that what you think about any of the people around you, if you’re thinking something stressful, is true?

“In each moment of every day, Truth is not lacking or held in abeyance for some later date; it is given in full measure, and abundantly so. Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the belief that what I’m thinking is absolute and real and complete about the people around me, I look around with intense curiosity. What a fascinating place!

Could Truth be right here, right now, no matter what my mind has to say about it?

Yes. Oh! Of course! Wow! Sparkles!

Turning the thought around: I move away or toward in perfect timing, liking and not liking comes and goes, nothing is missing in anyone here, nothing is wrong, nothing is lacking in this moment full of many people….and that includes me.

I take a very deep breath, drinking in the environment.

So gentle, restful, and kind.

Like a point of light inside the stomach and chest, glowing, spreading through the air and the sky, and along the floor under the legs of the chairs, permeating all these bodies of my family, the people at the barbecue, the people at the party, the dancers, the music playing, like an invisible energy force.

Reality tells me when it’s time to show up somewhere, when it’s time to leave the gathering, ask, talk, sit, delight, go, watch, listen, sleep, wake up.

Without the belief that stressful thoughts are true, who would I be, who would you be?

Pure joy. Amazed.

Like a shining star playing with other twinkling stars in the heavens, recognizing all the people and life I love.

When a baby is taken from the wet nurse,

it easily forgets her

and starts eating solid food.

Seeds feed awhile on ground,

then lift up into the sun.

Taste the filtered light

and work your way toward wisdom

with no personal covering.

That’s how you came here, like a star

without a name. Move across the night sky

with those anonymous lights.

~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

 

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Best. Relationship. Ever.

The other day, a new friend shared with me that a relationship expert and mentor she very much appreciates told her if you feel attraction to anyone over a six on the richter scale….

….run the other way, fast.

In other words, if you’re getting thrown off kilter, toppled over, if the ground is moving….DANGER DANGER! 

It made me laugh.

I’ve had a couple of those off-the-charts explosive attractions.

Of course, when I look back, they were big invitations for expressing true love….and I didn’t always do that.

Let me explain.

I totally get why a relationship expert would joke that runningaway if you feel Big Crazy Love might offer a better outcome than running toward.

Thank goodness for the Tuesday Year of Inquiry group this past week. We’ve been looking at attraction, sexuality, dating, romance for the past month…

…and the power of the group connecting together to hear each other’s thoughts and work in inquiry together was soooo valuable.

I’ve had this feeling about intense feelings not only with romantic flares, but others as well.

People in our YOI could relate.

That person should settle down, not move so quick, relax, quit acting so excited, stop being so intense, stop pushing, asking, inviting, showing up, calling, emailing, texting, pestering, returning. Get a grip!

It’s too much! They should back off!

Many years ago when I was in my twenties I was in an office building at the end of the day. It was 5 pm and pitch dark. A north American winter.

I had just been getting to know a man I met in an improv theater class. We had gone out to dinner and had a great conversation for hours.

Leaving my job, I got a phone call from him at my desk.

I had told him where I worked but never given him the number. He had looked up the organization in the phone book, called the main reception, and tracked me down.

I laughed and said “no problem” but I had just a wee bit of a weird feeling, or a question, or a slight spark of alertness.

I ignored it.

The building emptied out, people waving goodbye to me as they passed my door, and soon I was the only person left.

I continued on the phone with my new friend, flirting, joking around, but then he said “Hey, I just got to your work, I’m parked out front.”

Uh. Too much. Too fast. Too intense. Not invited.

Fear raced through my veins.

I said I wasn’t done working, which was actually true, but I normally wouldn’t have stayed at my office to finish my tasks that day, I would have taken them home.

After some light conversation, he told me he was leaving.

I stayed at my desk for 2 hours, until the janitor arrived. I was frightened.

Let’s see what it would be like if back then I had The Work.

Is it true that it’s too much and therefore he should back off?

Yes. Then I wouldn’t have to say anything, or notice how much I don’t like this.

I want him to change, I want him to chill.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should? Am I sure that he should be different, rather than me?

No. Rats. I thought it would be easier for the other person to change.

I don’t like where this is going.

How do I react when I believe I need to escape, it’s too much, I can’t handle it, they are too big, loud, noisy, overbearing, scary, intense…whatever that other person does TOO MUCH of?

I squirm. I get really frightened. I run. I avoid.

But who would I be without the thought that he was too forward, too pushy, too grabby, too full of assumptions, too…..too?

I love this question. So beautiful. So fun.

There that person is, being chaotic, busy, wild, excessive, extreme, surprising….and you do not have the thought that there’s no way to handle it but to run for the hills?

I’d feel clear, direct, focused, aware. I’d tell the truth.

I’m surprised you’re here. It feels strange to me. It’s odd that you tracked me down at work, I don’t want to talk with you while at my job. I can’t see you right now. I’m uncomfortable with what you’re doing. I’m not able to meet you. I hear you, and my answer is no. 

Even parents have trouble with their thoughts and a screaming child, along these lines.

Who would THEY be without the belief that it’s too much, too big, too loud for them to handle? That their kid is wrong for being the way they are being, and should stop, NOW?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in a form that we haven’t understood yet…..Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet….(and that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts around: they should be this way, they are not too much, I can say yes or no and be totally honest, I am receiving good information, there is no disappointment, upset, or defense needed.

I am safe, clear.

If that form is love arising then I am love arising too.

Complete freedom. No need to be against them. Honest expression. Truth.

I speak with strength from my heart, with love that is like a strong rod, rooted in the earth. I care for myself, I care for them.

“Negative feelings are in you, not in reality. Stop trying to change reality. That’s crazy! Stop trying to change the other person. We spend all our time and energy trying to change external circumstances, trying to change our spouses, our bosses, our friends, our enemies and everybody else. We don’t have to change anything. Negative feelings are in YOU.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Thank you Big Crazy Love for showing up. It showed me every time where I needed to be more real, gentle, expressive, kind…

….and to express my own big crazy love, not just for that other person, but most of all, for me. 

What would it be like if YOU were your number one biggest fan, and you held yourself, took care of yourself, loved and trusted yourself, did the kindest thing you could imagine for yourself, rescued yourself, in the presence of that tough person?

Best. Relationship. Ever.

With love, Grace

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I Must Try To Be A Good Person

One of the most interesting areas of investigation of my own behavior has been around understanding my beliefs of the way I think people “should” behave if we are all supposed to be civilized, nice, generous, kind human beings.

If we’re good people, we act like “this” (make a list). And if everyone acted like that, then things would go well.

We’ll say that someone is a really “good” person. But why?

We like them. We want to be around them. We’re inspired by them. They’re safe. They’re responsible. They’re genuine. They’re honest. They care!

It’s easy to see how people should NOT behave.

That’s a bad person over there, saying those rude words, doing that appalling thing, thinking their mean, nasty thoughts, expressing difficult feelings, and acting horrible.

We almost instantly know when there is someone who is not falling into the category of “normal” or “nice” or “acceptable” or “loving”.

They are not being good.

It seems there is an internal list of the RIGHT ways to behave, to speak, to be, to do, and to think.

When people are not acting “right” according to us, then this is of course an incredible place for self-inquiry, in opening to that person’s behavior, in understanding our objections.

But what about this urge to be perfect, good, appealing and attractive in the world….the opposite of bad?

From a very early age, I noticed a lot of stories and lessons about Good People and Bad People.

Good People who were all-good and non-threatening were sweet, unobtrusive, gentle, forgiving, helpful, supportive, easy-going and patient.

Then there were the Good People who raised some objections….not everyone thought of them as safe….they were pushing the boundaries, ruffling a few feathers…. like Jesus or Martin Luther King.

Those kinds of Good People challenged the accepted way to be. They were Good and also Powerful….I had such admiration! They were brave!

I can’t do that! Scary!

Then….there are those that cross the line. They behave badly. They become “bad” people.

The stories read to me were full of Good People and Bad People. The rules on how to tell if someone was good or bad formed early.

It seemed very important to be considered by others to be Good.

Even if I had judgmental thoughts, or noticed that I really didn’t like someone, or was very angry, or wanted to say “no”….I worked very hard to show an image of GOOD.

Being Good is MUCH BETTER than being Bad!

Better memorize the Good Features, so you know how to act, to think and to be!

I started to feel sick to my stomach with tension because I knew I wasn’t 100% Good.

It never occurred to me that nobody can be 100% Good, according to the “laws” I was learning, many of them delivered in fairy tales.

When being Good means that the person you’re interacting with needs to feel happy, safe, open and comfortable in your presence….oh boy.

The situation can be VERY stressful….and, unfortunately, hopeless.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to hold up an image of goodness? That you need to be kind and nice in your delivery?

Who would you be without the thought that you shouldn’t ever, ever offend anyone?

Who would you be without the thought that other people need to be encouraged by your loving behavior to be comfortable around you?

That people could go off and be critical, or violent, unless you’re Good?

Oh no! I have to care about other people and their comfort! I have to help them feel happy, relaxed, loved!

Some people are creepy or judge super easily….I have to worry about those people!

Don’t I?

What if you didn’t have that belief?

Who would you be without the thought that you need them to feel happy and loved and that you are the one to make that happen?

This was so strange, to even imagine how I would be and what it would be like, to not need to help other people feel comfortable, that it was like entering a foreign land at first.

If I really do not worry about what other people are feeling around me….then I do not have to be falsely encouraging.

I do not have to keep a Good Persona intact, I do not have to be nice, friendly, sweet and compliant, unless these ways of being are truly genuine and loving and real in that situation.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to make yourself act Good?

Maybe you’d relax.

Maybe you’d notice that you have a deep, loving kindness and patience that comes easily, beyond following any list. And sometimes not.

Sometimes, you get up and walk out of the party, the lecture, the movie, the date.

Without the thought that you need to act good, you might say “the emperor has no clothes” with innocence, without malice or rage, simply expressing what you see.

I notice for me, I say “no, thank you” without an explanation much more easily.

The turnaround: I do not need to try all the time to be a “good” person to others. 

I do not have to consider the list of what “Good” is and then follow it as best I can. I do not have to think about everyone else and how they feel when they are around me.

I do not even have to try to be a good person to myself.

I would find out what it’s like to live without having a more perfect, better image to live up to or try to achieve.

If I really unhitch myself from any beliefs about who I should or should not be in the presence of others, so that I am projecting a safe, good, loving “image”…

….then who knows what mysterious amazing person this is, this person who is me.

“When you truly love yourself, it’s not possible to project that other people don’t love you. I like to say, ‘When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.’ This gets a big laugh from audiences. People seem to be delighted at how easy it is to feel completely loved, and they see, if only for a moment, that it doesn’t depend on anyone outside.” ~ Byron Katie

Not expecting or looking for or wanting or dreaming of being perceived of as a Good Person by anyone out there…..ever?

Wow!

“Don’t be careful. You could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace