Month: January 2018

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The Work is seeing the Dragon

There’s a simple exercise I mention and offer when working with people in the eating peace process (a course to look at our eating behaviors and wonder about them in a new way).

I call it the “shhhhhhhh” exercise.

Kind of like a jumping jack, when it comes to calisthenics.

Only all it involves is raising your pointer finger to your lips and making the sound “shhhhhhh” which means to be quiet.

“Shhhhhh”.

When things get a little loud, chaotic, out of tune, blaring.

A re-mind-er to the thinking brain to settle down, quiet, stop fussing with all it’s antics about what has gone wrong and what could go wrong or any other fodder its suggesting, that creates nervous (or worse) energy.

When I say “shhhhhh” in a gentle way like this, I get to pause, relax, and open to what’s visiting.

As I sit, I see images flow through like clips from movies, happening now, yesterday, last week, in the future, ten years ago….

*one hundred participants gathered in a hall all seated on the floor cross-legged, many heads of pitch-black hair all facing forward. I see from my position on the floor the teacher sharing with us in his soft and very thick Indian accent, in English.

*crows cawing and flying in a crowd just outside the living room window dawn

*sun beams creating stripes on the pale yellow wall to my right

*hearing sweet voices and speaking into my computer on my lap in the middle of a wet afternoon about inquiry on money and feeling compassion for the suffering and worrying…wishing I might grant peace with a magic wand and noticing a thought that this is inadequate

*a cup of tea filled to the brim….only now, it’s empty….but it could be full again later this afternoon

Seeing the physical things around me, remembering the physical things that once were around me, anticipating and projecting things around me, later.

Who would we be without our stressful, certain-they’re-true stories?

We may still be story-tellers…

….thrilled with the moment, carrying on, feeling the full feelings of life, celebrating, sorrowing, grieving, being very quiet, living this particular life with all it’s mystery and curiosity and strangeness….

….loving what is.

We’d be remembering how lovely a story is, and that it is a story.

We’d be honoring the story to the depths of our hearts, and respecting the stories we’ve lived, without rejecting, condemning, denying, or hating them.

“People who deny the existence of dragons are often eaten by dragons. From within.” ~ Ursula Le Guin (thank you for your contributions and RIP).

The thing I love most about The Work is turning towards the story.

I see the thing I’m most opposed or upset about, the trouble. I look at it closely. I answer the Judge Your Neighbor questions about it, without trying to change it, expecting immediate answers, or fixing myself.

I judge, I look, I scream, shout, cry the story and I hear myself tell it. I’m in the story.

I can see then, what it is.

A story. A great, wonderful, beautiful, tragic story.

But not one that is True to the end of time. Not ever. There’s always a new chapter.

There’s always the Don’t Know mind.

How loving that is.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. My website is still down. And I missed at least 48 hours worth of emails that all got deleted. Yes, it could be a Grace Note. Coming soon!

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Money is safety (and other myths)

Last call for all the inquirers interested in doing ten weeks of The Work on money…or we should probably say we’re really doing The Work on our thinking about security, safety, comfort, adventure, fun, pleasure, ease, play, special-ness.

Because these are the qualities we generally think money can buy.

To sign up visit HERE.
Even if you never, ever do The Work on money, you may recognize the things it appears to be able to buy, and investigate these if it seems stressful.
Not long ago, I was talking to a distant family member who said he loved money for the safety it supplied, and would be supplying in the future.
Safe future, safe from physical pain, safe from suffering when he’s aging, safe from loneliness. The money will pay for people who are younger to do chores and tasks and who can handle his physical needs, errands, medical attention, companionship.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with getting set up for any of these options. Why not?
But I heard also the sound of someone who was terrified of Not Having Money. Intolerable to think of going without it, or not having enough eventually.
Money would be buying safety.
For a second, I felt different. “I’m not concerned with accumulating and saving like that”, I said to myself. “I’m so over it. I’d hate to have those kinds of fears and anxieties and the need to hold on to an amount that seemed to be ‘enough’ for sometime later in the future.”
“Thank goodness I’m so easy-going in this department. Heck, I’m even offering an inquiry course on money! No problemo! Let money do what it does, I’m alive and well and…..”
Wait a minute.
Sigh.
I almost thought I was better than the one who was worrying about money, or believing money provided safety. That tricky rabbit (mind).
So let’s inquire today.
The belief: Having money means you are granted a certain level of safety in advanced age: you receive care, attention, what you need, comfort, treatment.
Is that true?
YES. Let’s be honest here. Jeez, have you been in the various kinds and levels of nursing homes or facilities? There’s a difference.
But can you absolutely know it’s true that having money grants you safety?
No.
I really can’t know this at all. I’ve been without money, and been perfectly safe. I’ve had money, and felt terrified.
I sat many hours for days with a dear friend who was in a fancy place for hospice care, and I’m honestly not sure it was better than all the many places I’ve spent time in with other people in the past who had nothing. The fancier place smelled a little better and had a nicer looking lobby.
I’ve had no money, and asked perfect strangers for help and they were incredibly generous and accommodating. I’ve had money and still gotten the flu, hurt my leg, sprained my ankle, been criticized.
What is safety? Is it a sense of comfort? Don’t surprises happen whether you have money, or don’t? Do I really need to have money to have connection with other humans, or receive support?
With the thought that more money makes things safer, or better…I miss what’s happening now. I lose my sense of humor. I fail to notice the incredible comfort I’m experiencing in the present moment as I think of the future.
With the thought that money grants safety, I notice it’s all about the physical body and it’s support. Is that really what and who I think I am? A body?
“Success is a concept, an illusion. Do you want the $3900 chair instead of the $39 one? Well, sitting is sitting. Without a story, we’re successful wherever we are.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Who would I be without my story of the future and safety, and money making it better?
Huh.
Rather funny.
Hilarious even.
It all seems to be a big story, created in an instant, then the mind moves on to the next piece of entertainment. I notice without the story of money meaning safety, it comes and goes, I get motivated or not, I rest, I work, I sleep, I wonder.
Not having the thought that money = safety, it doesn’t mean I don’t have it in my life, enjoy it, use it, give it away, keep some, or work hard for it at times.
I notice an ongoing relationship with it.
Turning the thought around in all the ways I can find:
  • Having money does NOT mean you are granted any safety in the future.
  • Having inquiry–the capacity to question your mind–means safety in the future.
  • Safety in the future is not even possible here in this moment…it’s only an idea.
  • Safety now means having money in the future
  • Having money means lack-of-safety in the future.
  • Nothing is guaranteed, including safety (safety from what?) or money or a future.
Good lord.
It’s all true and none of it is true.
But isn’t that a relief in a way?
No control, no set story. Follow the simple directions.
If you need some money, there are ways to acquire it in integrity. If you want to save, there are ways to do this, with love.
All I can find is that fear is not required…and I can feel immense compassion for those and for myself when I’ve felt fear about money.
What can we do?
The Work.
“Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work then step back, the only path to serenity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #9
 
If you want to come on the journey of identifying the stories you’re scaring yourself with, and exploring and dissolving them with the four questions….it’ll be a wonderful money adventure. Join me here.
Much love,

Grace

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The most powerful two words anyone said to me when I was suicidal

Many years ago as a very young woman, I sat in a 12 step meeting crying.

I was speaking about how horrible I was, how disgusting I felt, how I didn’t think I could go on, how it was all me and my rotten-to-the-core attitude. My eating was out of control. I smoked in between eating.

Ugh.

I had been depressed for what felt like a very long time (several years) and full of anxiety.

Then someone passed me a note.

Inside there were two words, and they were kind of intense….

….but shockingly true.

“Negative Grandiosity”.

It was a little bit of hard tough love, but one of the most wonderful, profound and helpful notes I ever received in my life, and it was from a complete stranger.

Join me on my facebook live where I share a short unedited video about the stressful belief “I’m the worst person in the world” or the equally painful “this is all my fault”….

….and I mention this powerful story from my past that helped me stop the track I was following.

If it’s stressful, it’s worth questioning.

Click HERE to follow along with this inquiry on yourself, and how harsh the thought can be. (Scroll down until you see the video with me in my kitchen).

Much love,

Grace

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Is your weight loss program really a self-distrust-maintenance program?

The brilliant Cheri Huber, meditation teacher and author, offers a beautiful idea, summarized in her book “There is Nothing Wrong With You”:

Your self-improvement plans and projects are ego-maintenance projects.

They don’t accept this present moment here now. They argue with it. You’re this or that, and it’s mediocre, unacceptable, lacking.

What’s here now is wrong, bad, ugly, fat, grabby.

I will fix myself, and then later I’ll be right, good, attractive, thin, self-less.

The problem lies in “later”.

The mind that’s oriented to fear LOVES that later, you’ll be OK, but not today, not right now, not yet.

I’m reaching for the dangling carrot, and not getting it.

Constantly on the hunt, planning for a better future.

What a paradox to relax, now. To stop the planning, pestering, controlling, dictating in a rigid way.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with turning over a new leaf, and venturing out on a journey to health and vitality, or peace and joy. We love those things.

But the best way to receive these, to experience them?

Notice them….now.

If you really sit long enough in an uncomfortable moment, difficult feelings, hateful images, screaming inner voices, forcing, willpower, the mind freaking out and mad as a hornet….

….you may be surprised.

You may discover peace of some kind is actually possible here. And this moment is not FULLY filled with fear, dissatisfaction or powerlessness. Sure, the mind and thoughts are all riled up. But not everything, not the feeling of being alive.

In this video today, I’m calling that part that can feel peace now the self, perhaps the peaceful self, the true self…I don’t even know if I can say “true” (as if I would ever know).

This inner “I” however, this life force, doesn’t care about weight loss later on, and it also doesn’t care about compulsion in this moment, or severe cravings, or chaos or lack of knowledge.

It’s OK with not knowing, resting, relaxing, being still.

It’s been here the whole time, and it never abandons you despite your mind and your actions.

Much love, Grace

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Identify, Question and Un-Create Your Thinking If You Want Eating Peace

When we experience compulsive behavior or obsessive or addictive activity, it’s usually not so pretty. However you want to call it, you know what I’m talking about–when you feel like you go into a trance of craving and consuming.

We feel swirling discomfort, intense emotions, swarming feelings.

Often the feelings stand out. Not the thoughts.

It’s like the thoughts become so distant, you can hardly remember what they were. They went by at the speed of lightening.

The primary thing we notice is FEELING.

When we’re full of feelings…especially conflicted ones…oh boy watch out.

We act pretty crazy.

I started eating as soon as I had the chance, and stuffed in food without caring what it felt like in my body. All I wanted was to eat, and eat. I had a panicked or angry feeling often, or a depressed feeling, and eating seemed to be the best way to express it.

It seemed like there was no thought at all. Almost like my mind was taken over by some kind of hungry ghost, or a zombie.

The thing is…when we slow down enough to wonder what we ARE thinking…it’s not completely vacant.

I began to find thoughts that were very stressful that happened first. Thoughts that scared, angered, frustrated and saddened me.

Many of us have heard of the idea of the “order of creation” in human behavior (I first heard about it used in Education Research looking at children’s learning abilities and behavior).

It looks like this: THINK – FEEL – ACT – HAVE

We usually see best the LAST point: What we have. Our results can’t be denied. We’re heavy, sick, unhealthy, hopeless, small, shrunken, unhappy. 

We can also see how we act for the most part: eating, purging, over-exercising, under-exercising, stuffing, grazing, hunting for food, fixated on pleasure so that we’re out buying food.

We definitely can feel our suffering. We’re conflicted and confused. We sometimes have strong clear feelings about our life depending on the situation, but we often feel push-pull and love-hate towards many things including food and eating and our bodies, and full of both despair and hope. It’s all over the place!

And the thinking? Like I said, I wouldn’t even know consciously what was bugging me by the time I was eating. It was voided out by the compulsion.

The thing that helped most in my entire life to become more clear about this order of creation?

Admitting, identifying, clarifying what I was really thinking about situations in my life that caused troubled feelings.

Because then, I could question these thoughts.

When I questioned these thoughts, my feelings changed all on their own.

Here in my video today, I share about the way this process often went for me and how I replaced my original thoughts with thoughts about eating, and how much suffering that created (and I couldn’t seem to get out of it until I investigated more closely).

Much love,

Grace

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When you’re not hungry, but you want to eat…you may NOT need more control.

We’re living our day, or just finished dinner after getting home from work, you have some unscheduled or uncommitted time….

….and here comes a thought suddenly about food.

Mmm, wouldn’t that be good to eat right now?

I know I’m not hungry, but it’s soooo yummy. Just a little bite. 

When I used to have this kind of thought of eating, when not hungry, I’d think a second later “No. Don’t do that. Bad idea. Fight! It’s wrong and you know it!”

I’d take up arms against the idea of eating. This idea shouldn’t be happening, I hate this, I must fight it to the death. I must control this. Uh oh. There’s something wrong with me, obviously. I can’t stop craving. This is terrible. I need more willpower.

The only way to get through this, is to just eat. 

And of course, what was my behavior?

I’d eat. I’d binge. I just fall into the wild chaos and let it take over and rule my present moment. Inside my mind I’d be screaming and battling, I’d make promises about starting tomorrow.

I might even feel a little relieved once I took the first bites of compulsive eating, because now I didn’t have to “fight” anymore or hold everything together with extreme control. I’d just eat, eat, eat.

It felt like letting the thing have me. I don’t have to be in charge anymore.

Which never had a good outcome, except exhaustion and self-hatred and the never-ending repetitive cycle of being trapped and in prison emotionally and physically.

My strategy used to be constantly that I needed to find more willpower. I needed to build my fighter energy. I needed to get more control.

But what if we question “I need to control this.”

Let’s see what happens when we question this sometimes very stressful thought…about anything in life.

Is it true I need to control my urges, control my eating, be in the diet mode of rigidity, exerting effort?

Many people answer “yes” and think it’s the only way to getting what you really want (freedom from compulsion).

How do you react when you believe you need to exert effort and control and fight your urges, in order to get to freedom?

The way I felt is I’d feel the war within, I’d feel angry. I’d argue myself right into a screaming binge. I’d feel like I was duking it out with some kind of force that was taking me over like an evil demon. I definitely believed in good vs evil.

But who would you be without the belief you have to gain more control, and this is the only way to happiness and peace?

Wow. Almost strange, right?

If there’s no fighting, doesn’t it mean I’m simply eating from one end of the city to the other without care?

No. That’s the Urge taking over everything and “winning” or conquering, but not it a way you can count on or feel peaceful or loving about.

Looking back on that time I used to regularly binge-eat, it felt like anxiety and believing my thoughts about that uncomfortable moment was the thing that “won” over or dominated the scene.

I was believing my very stressful, uncomfortable thoughts about life and my own inadequacy and the need for escape.

Who would I be without that story about needing to fight?

Turning the thought around: I do NOT have to get more willpower or control when it comes to compulsive eating. How could this be true?

I have all the will necessary (not “missing” willpower), I have the capacity to stop, to say no, to slow down, to wait. I have the capacity to feel peace. I can notice that overeating or eating when I’m not hungry isn’t satisfying truly, anyway. That’s already clear. Nothing is missing here. I can identify other thoughts I have about life, and take them through inquiry.

Turning the thought around again: “I” have all the energy and power ever needed. I don’t have to be in charge and control everything, including emotions and thoughts and other peoples’ behaviors and incidents that occur in life.

“Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #3 

Let’s see what happens today if we can live the turnaround to relax, instead of exert more control, or more willpower. If you could relax, you probably wouldn’t follow the order from part of your mind to binge eat. You might find you can live through disturbed feelings. You might find you’re OK.

Much love,

Grace