February 2016 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

February 28, 2016

Leaping Into Heaven…Special Leap Day Ways to Do The Work

leapyearspecial Have you been wanting to enter the deep place within where you can see your stress or anxiety, look at it with eyes open….

….and turn your thinking around?

In honor of LEAP day (my favorite!)….let’s leap into The Work.

What’s your top repetitive stressful scenario you deal with in your life?

Some people answer this question with “my relationship!”

They’re talking about a primary person they’re coupled with in their lives, or the one they’re dating, or the one they divorced!

Other people answer this question with “money!”

Maybe a source of stressful thinking in your life is through other people close to you at work, in your family, your kids, your friends.

One of my greatest sources of suffering was my eating, body image, lack of confidence, feeling undeserving, being addicted to fear and negativity.

All of us sometimes feel anxiety, irritation, anger, sadness, or fear.

Those feelings are our inner compass.

They’re the key that says “Hello? Hello? Tension is here! You might want to slow down, see what’s really going on, and question what you’re thinking!”

Even though all these feelings are so uncomfortable, they’re awesome for pointing to what wants to be investigated.

So….good, if you feel some stress.

You’re not broken. You’re a human being with a Thought Detector (known as Feelings).

There is nothing like doing The Work for doing this investigation, at least for me (and for so many people I’ve worked with).

It’s four questions, followed by finding the “turnarounds”.

They take a little time, maybe 20 minutes.

It’s a practice, like meditation, or relaxation.

Sometimes I’ve said “but I don’t have the time, I don’t want to slow down, I don’t want to answer questions” and yet, every single time I have done so, my life has changed just a wee bit.

Or done a 180.

Complete. Turnaround.

Happy about the divorce, instead of terrified. Curious about the cancer, instead of an anxious wreck. Full of wonder about the new possibilities, instead of angry about getting fired. Relaxed about the person I’m connected to, instead of annoyed.

Safe. Inspired. Open.

In honor of this wonderful Leap Year February 29th which won’t happen for another four years….I’m opening up some options for you for guidance in The Work and this powerful form of self-inquiry that leads to awareness, and peace.

It’s only if you need a kick-starter.

I sure did.

When I first read Loving What Is, I sat down on my couch in my living room while my kids were occupied with blocks and books for awhile.

I leafed through the pages.

OK, I thought. I get it. Now I need to try it.

I answered the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, that first step where you get to identify what you’re actually thinking without it whizzing by so fast, like a speeding bullet.

The worksheet said “Judge Your Neighbor” so I judged my neighbor. She was a little irritating, now that I thought about it.

I look back and I think to myself….really?

That’s all I could come up with?

I had a mountain of past suffering, pain, tension, grief and shock that were all running my life and very un-investigated at the time. Even though I had been in therapy. Even though I had come a long way, and was very stable and no longer suffering from an eating disorder or addictive behaviors like smoking.

It took a lot of guidance, and attending Byron Katie’s 9-Day School for me to actually buckle down and DO The Work. Until then, I was a great avoider.

After I actually questioned my beliefs, I found out it wasn’t so horrible to see them, and take them through the process of The Work.

I wasn’t so afraid of what I thought anymore.

But it took people helping me, facilitating me, for me to get there. I couldn’t have done it alone.

If you find you’re stuck-ish, or not getting to the heart of the matter with your inquiry, or persistently struggling and anxious, then maybe you’d like to try a different approach with The Work and join a class, do some one-on-one sessions, or come to retreat.

So that’s where Day of Leap comes in.

I wanted to do something special just for today, and only for today.

I’m offering a set of options. See if any one of them appeals to you if you’re wanting more clarity around your exploration of what youthink that brings on stress in your life.

This work is about how to turn what you’re thinking around and find peace in its place, new ways of thinking about your difficult situation, and brand new possibilities.

See if something here is right for you.

It’s my honor to serve you in this amazing, lazer-sharp work that has changed so many peoples’ lives for the better, including mine.

Here’s what’s on the menu:

Let’s Do The Work on Not Getting What We Desire:TeleRetreat Sunday March 6 8:30 – 11:00 am PT $37

Intro Foundation of Eating Peace Teleclass: Six Weeks of Exercises and Inquiry to help you question and shift your inner overeater. Fridays, March 4 – April 8, 2-3:30 pm PT $197

One month Eating Peace In-Person Group to identify and question what fuels crazy eating or thinking about food. Seattle Mondays March 21 – April 11 7:00 – 9:00 pm. $197

Four Individual Sessions for $375 Skype, Phone or In-Person

Special Solo Retreat: In person or via skype/phone. We spend three hours together on your work, we have time for questions, reflection, talking about your work, you create a map for your living turnaround. $197.

Spring Retreat May 15-17 Leap Day Special $325. Three Full Days of The Work on Your Stressful Situations and Finding The Living Turnarounds! For people with some experience in The Work. North Seattle Kenmore Lodge.

These special leaping-in rates….in honor of LEAPING….will only be available until tonight at midnight.

Use this unique link to sign up for your choice of leaping in.

Click Here To Leap Into The Work

Click the link above to head over to my website
Click the Buy Now button at the top
Once you’re in the paypal page, enter the amount of your program in the “Item Price” box and click Update
Complete your payment (if you are using a credit card, follow the link that says “Don’t have a paypal account?” even if you do)
Send me a personal email confirming you’ve signed up (so we don’t miss anything!) at grace@workwithgrace.com
I’ll send you all the details including possibilities for scheduling, and instructions for dialing in if you’re joining the Desire Tele-Retreat or the Eating Peace Teleclass.

Can’t wait to spend this powerful and sacred time together.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

February 27, 2016

Ramit Sethi. Everything happens at the right moment.

Attending big events, conferences, workshops, retreats or courses are all something many of us have experienced.

It’s a big deal to have your curiosity sparked, decide to say yes to something, come up with the funds, make plane reservations or drive for hours to get somewhere, arrange your accommodations, leave your daily life behind, get time off work.

What’s more is….you want deeply to come away with vital or inspiring information, or a change of heart, or a completely new perspective that makes it all worth it.

That’s why you’re going in the first place.

There’s a lot riding on some of these things we attend!

The story in the mind is….when I get there and go through this thing, I’ll get “x” or I’ll obtain “y” or I’ll learn “z” and then I’ll have something I didn’t have before….

….and I’ll feel better, or I’ll feel fabulous, or I’ll feel transformed, or I’ll feel inspired.

So you know how I mentioned I was visiting New York?

Well, one reason I’m here was to attend a one-day conference all day long yesterday for people who run businesses, like me, who want to share their message, get their book published, understand publicity, share authentically with the world.

To be honest, this is not really my “thing”.

I’m usually headed to a silent meditation retreat, a personal growth workshop or a training that helps me be more effective with clients and students, or with myself.

I like studying peace, more than anything.

This was almost the antithesis of peace, for the introverted inner me.

Ha ha!

I was connecting and being with people all day long in conversation, with microphones, stages, chairs, coat-checks, bathroom lines.

Asking people what they do, hearing interviews, listening to a few experts, asking an editor about my book proposal next steps.

But after I’ve done The Work for awhile, I’ve got to admit, this is one pretty clear way I’m different, directly as a result of doing The Work.

I can still hear the internal thoughts float through, but somehow, I’m not really disturbed.

I really do know they aren’t true.

Here’s what they sound like, right in the middle of the conference, during breaks, keynote speakers, getting tea, walking from the front of the room to the back, seeing the person sitting next to me:

I don’t fit in
I should just take a picture
I should talk/shouldn’t talk to him/her/them
I don’t know how to connect with everyone
I am different than whatever’s going on here
this is not “my” greatest pleasure
it’s too loud
people are looking at me
I have nothing to say
what a fascinating world….look at her purple hair, his leather jacket, her huge smile, his tired worried face, their blonde heads leaning together, the sun pouring in the window.

It’s like a steady flow of thoughts, sounds, sights, smells.

Those thoughts float in, like little warning labels.

But then it’s like there’s a hand reaching out, as if to shake hello, saying:

“Oh hi…is it true?”

“Are you sure that’s true?”

“Oh…remember when you used to think that was true, like, all the time? Yah, that was funny, wasn’t it. Chuckle.”

All I can say is, this was probably the most fun I’ve ever had in my life at one of those conference-type educational meet-other-people and learn business thingies.

I even got surprised by meeting one person who popped in for lunch who was not an official part of the conference and didn’t speak publicly at all, and who happens to be a rock star in the business world.

I shared with him what a kick I get out of his newsletter writing about his mom, and told him it makes me happy about my own high-expectation parenting of my own kids.

I told him my son follows him, too, at my demand, er..I mean encouragement…and he apologized for using the F-Bomb sometimes, and he said I was a good mom.

It was so cute.

So fun to meet the delightful Ramit Sethi

OK….so maybe this type of event doesn’t necessarily offer a “spiritual experience”, or a shift of consciousness that’s totally life-changing so that it feels like rebirth, or a cracked open perspective, or a massive transformation in mind-body-spirit….

….or does it?

Why couldn’t anything have the possibility of inviting me to stop assessing constantly if something was “worth it”….

….but instead to simply flow into yes, or no, or maybe, and watch the way the environment around me changes….

….while something within is steady, persistent, and peaceful as a deep, vast lake.

I do fit in, always, and the world fits in me
someone else should take a picture, not me (see above)
talking just happens, or it doesn’t
I know how to connect with everyone
I am the same as whatever’s going on here
this is my greatest pleasure
it’s just right in sound level
looking is happening, and not happening at all
I have something to say (and nothing to say! halelujah!)

What if this quiet, empty room I’m in now, while writing this, was just as amazing as one full of people, or a meditation retreat, or the busy city Saturday streets?

Who would I be without my story?

Who would you be without yours?

“Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

P.S. Some of the very best thoughts about a future success story are around money and business. Do yours cause you stress, when you aren’t “there” yet? Come do The Work on it! Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295.

February 25, 2016

You wanted entertainment? Wait one day.

goofymind — Silly mind….you’re not as good at playing the trumpet as you think!

What a goof ball the mind can be.

Remember yesterday, sooooo many hours ago, and how I did The Work on how totally boring life can be sometimes?

Ha ha. Not really true.

But you would think, in the midst of inquiry about quiet, repetitive, empty moments of time and the nature of boredom, it would be easy to remember that in less than two days, I’d be walking the streets of New York.

Mid-stride, with a huge smile on my face, drinking in the dark, windy streets full of noises, people, lights coming from small passageways into warm cozy hole-in-the-wall restaurants, art galleries, and shops….

….I suddenly thought to myself, “Jeez, look at this amazing life. I get on an airplane, I sit down for five hours, I run into a friend on the same airplane from Seattle, we travel into New York City on the train together, and the entire journey is spectacular, new, fun, joyful, restful (I slept for part of the plane ride) and my eyes can’t stop taking in this delicious world.”

If you’re bored, just wait awhile.

If you’re sad, just wait awhile.

If you’re angry, just wait awhile.

Here comes another day, another hour, another new moment.

This one.

The complaining mind is so funny, isn’t it?

It’s like a little wind up puppet with a trumpet, and it loves to play that trumpet really loud sometimes!!

We start listening to the horn blow, completely forgetting it’s not that harmonious, and not very good technique, and kind of random.

In fact, it’s terrible.

What if we just looked at our inner complainer like a kind of “off” guy in the alley delightedly playing a trumpet?

Maybe someone with a few cards short of a full deck, if you know what I mean.

Kind of a dim bulb. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Someone with only one oar in the water, if you catch my drift.

As in…..did you remember, the other day when you thought life was boring….but actually you were soon to depart for New York City?

Oh. That was me.

Now. I know this is pretty incredible to be able to take a trip and travel and have the world show up as so very very entertaining.

But I am talking about so much more than the huge privilege of physical adventure.

I’m talking about the very funny way our perceptions are soooo clouded by the moment.

Dang. Just so sure what’s happening is TRUE, it feels like being completely immersed in the emotion and the experience….

….and it will Never End.

But it will. It can. Any minute now. It does.

“Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?” ~ Tao Te Ching #15

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you want to question your wants about the future that appear favorable….the ones you cross your fingers for, pray for, hope for, come inquire and open to peace, now (not just later): Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295.

PLUS Special gift early-bird registration for the spring retreat (all rooms are now sold out, but commuters are welcome) for May 13-15. $325 for three full days of The Work: Question your thinking, change your life.

February 24, 2016

Where’s the entertainment? This is sooooo boring.

this is soooo boring....are you sure? — this is soooo boring….are you sure?

Lately I’ve been noticing a moment during some days where stress enters the picture.

Sometimes it’s early evening.

I’ve had a good day, or a long day of work and creativity (I love what I do) and now I’m ready to rest, kick back.

Sometimes, the little thoughts start to chatter like crows in the distance when a retreat or workshop has just finished and everyone has left to return to their daily lives (me, too).

Work is done, interacting is complete for now, the experience is over and now we’re moving on to a quieter moment.

And then….

….almost like a delayed reaction….

….”what do I do now??!!”

There’s this empty space. Nothing on the schedule. Something that took planning is now completed, it’s play time or easy-does-it time.

Now, nothing wrong with this in itself whatsoever.

How sweet to move into rest, slow down, sit quietly, reflect on what just happened, spend some down, loose, open time.

But sometimes, it seems, my mind can’t stop!

It’s like it was shot off like a rocket, it gained momentum over time, a lot went into the show….

….the same way a great piece of theater production is created….

….and there’s a kind of weird feeling about this empty place when all is said and done.

Awhile ago, I noticed I would turn on netflix.

I hadn’t watched TV or much on the screen in about a decade. But it seemed there was an appeal to diving into some kind of long-term story.

Only it felt a little addictive, but I ignored it.

I need a distraction, I thought.

Then, sometimes, a beer also sounded good. Rare, and never having much, but noticing even one beer sometimes felt dehydrating and somehow….off.

It doesn’t help to have hormones changing into menopause. Too much stimulation somehow.

And then….caffeine sounding interesting too, when it normally wouldn’t occur to me.

Long stretches would go without concern or any of this happening, and then….it would reappear.

Recently, I knew between all these little things adding together, the distant chatter was more like a dull roar in the background.

Like a crowd of voices saying “Entertain me! PLEASE!”

I noticed a voice that regularly commented on how these empty times were boring.

Just soooooo boring.

Excellent belief system for The Work.

If you’ve ever noticed a complaining voice that loves to talk about how boring things are, or empty, or over, and it’s time to do nothing (except you can’t quite Do Nothing)….

….this is a weird kind of non-stressy stress.

Good to catch before it picks up speed and becomes a more difficult “problem”.

This moment is boring.

Is it true?

Yah, it’s true!

Jeez, have you looked around?

There’s no one here! The house is completely empty! You have a list a mile long of things you could actually do. Get crackin’.

NOW!

But. I wanted some quiet?

Boring Boring Boring Boring!

Oh. Wait.

What was the question?

LOL!

Is it true this moment, here now….this quiet moment where there’s nothing pressing and no work required, and no planning and no answering emails and no tasks completely fundamentally necessary…..

…..is it true that it’s too quiet? Boring?

No.

How do you react when you believe you need something MORE than what’s here now, in your quiet house, in the quiet silence?

I think I don’t deserve to stop.

I’m anxious about what else is next.

I’m on a roll, and I can’t get off the ride.

Are you sure?

Who would you be without the belief you can’t stop everything and sit and enjoy the beauty of the quiet, silent moment?

Who would you be without the need for entertainment?

Who would you be without the need to turn off your mind, and shut it down?

What if there was no list of what else needs to be done, and the equal and opposite list of needing nothing?

What if there was no right or wrong thing to do in this moment?

What if you just stopped, and listened, for as long as it took to find the inner delicious point of rest that’s always been with you, is here right now, and will never leave you in the future for any reason, ever?

Oh. I remember now.

In the moment of the evening, I feel the restlessness, and then….

….notice what else is here besides my little birdy thoughts making warning noises about slowing down.

Turning the thoughts around, I enter a kind of excitement, rather than busy-mind noise.

*My thoughts are boring, not “me”. This silent space is exciting, even thrilling. This moment is not boring.This moment is colorful, full of things, items, pictures, memories, sight, hearing, smelling, movement.

I’m seeing the things that hold more still…..like the chair, the lamp, the beautiful rug, the dish on the counter with leftover soup coating the inside of the bowl.

No “have to”, no need for a revelation, or an insight, or a great movie, or chipping away at the task list.

Those thoughts (the complainers) are actually kind of funny, kind of repetitive, pretty human, pretty messy, pretty normal.

Suddenly, I’m laughing as part of my mind imagines my life to be some grand thrilling event (every moment wonderful! Go!) and noticing it’s not only not required, it’s very stressful to have these expectations.

Who would you be without the belief YOU need to do ANYTHING exciting, in the moment you think you should?

On a magic carpet ride, going to who-knows-where, right in my empty exciting (or boring) living room.

“The world is created as I sit here, it springs into being and is mirrored back to me as life. It’s wonderful not to be the doer. Everything is a story. The mind spins stories out and you believe what the mind tells you. Every time you are stressed out or fearful, you are believing what the mind is telling you. The Work is about discovering what is true and what is not true for you, the difference between reality and imagination.” ~ Byron Katie in her blog

Wow, so glad reality is in charge, not me. I get a little down-time it turns out. What a relief. What a blessing.

And if I want to watch a movie, why not.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you want to question your wants about the future that appear favorable….the ones you cross your fingers for, pray for, hope for, come inquire and open to peace, now. Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295. And don’t forget there’s a short little special gift early-bird registration for the spring retreat (all rooms are now sold out, but commuters are welcome) for May 13-15.

February 22, 2016

Meeting together for meetup or retreat….to uncover your suffering and question it

If you're feeling alone, find group support — If you’re feeling alone, find group support

To celebrate leap year, I’m offering an early-bird special fee for the upcoming Spring Retreat in The Work in Seattle on May 13-15 (including all day Friday starting at 9:30 am). If you register by next Monday Leap Day February 29th, it’s $325 (you save $70). Click HERE to register.

Write me separately to reserve a room in the lodge (two left) for only $50 per night.

And, if you’d like to get a sense of this work of self-inquiry and un-raveling stressful thinking in your life, especially the way stress leads to compulsive behavior like eating, then onight I’m opening up my home for a new meetup called Eating Peace (which is a drop-in group for only $10 donation).

We’ll take a look at beliefs that drive compulsive reaching for food (or anything, really) and use self-inquiry to explore what’s going on in that stressful moment.

I had the thought….how can this topic be covered in two hours?

With people who have a full range of experiences, all of which may be completely different?

It’s difficult to hold still, and see what’s happening, when you’re used to popping something in your mouth when you feel bored, confused, angry, nervous, you’re around other people, or you feel uncomfortable in some way and the call of eating (or other behavior) is so strong.

But we’ll dive in, identify some of what we’re thinking, and investigate.

Often the very first place we start, when we’re looking at behavior we don’t like….

….is pretty vicious:

there is something wrong with me
I should be completely different (thin, calm, peaceful, sober)
I can’t stop (compulsively eating sugar, drinking caffeine, spending, watching videos, drinking alcohol)
the thing I repeatedly want will make me feel better

We can take anything through inquiry, exploring what’s actually true, questioning the line of thinking.

Is it true that reaching for that thing will make you feel better?

Is it true you can’t tolerate feeling bad right now (before you take a bite, or do the thing)?

Are you sure there’s something wrong with you?

Are you really not able to stop?

For me….I keep finding the answer to be “no”.

How do you react when you believe any of these thoughts?

Ugh.

Drowning in the movement of compulsion. Trying hard to fix myself. Making plans to change, and this might even include “get enlightened”.

Anything but be here now, in all my imperfections and troubles.

So here’s the profound question that can sometimes be pondered for days:

Who would you be without your story?

Who would you be if there was nothing wrong with you, you shouldn’t be any different than you are? Without thinking you can’t stop doing what you’re doing, or that the thing you reach for makes you feel better?

Wow.

It seems like reading books and spiritual teachings makes me feel better. It seems like drinking coffee makes me feel better. It seems like doing “x” makes me feel better.

But what if you didn’t have that thought?

I notice, anything I’ve ever thought that’s outside of myself that makes me feel better….only does for a temporary amount of time.

It never really supplies a wonderful, fabulous feeling, or a peaceful feeling. Not completely, not permanently, not with full satisfaction.

So what to do?

Notice what you don’t like, right now, that’s happening. Notice what you don’t like feeling. Notice what frightens you, makes you sad.

Take these thoughts (and feelings) as a practice, through self-inquiry.

It’s not easy.

I myself would sometimes like a temporary, short, easy activity to end my boredom, or anxiety, or sadness.

It never does in the long run.

If you’re not sure where to begin, start to write in your journal what you’re upset about in your current condition, situation, life circumstance. Write about what you find disturbing.

Then….you can do The Work!

Join me if you’d like support at a retreat or meetup. There’s nothing like gathering together with others to give you the freedom to inquire, notice, slow down, feel the help available to you, personally.

I couldn’t have started out all alone….and being with others never stopped!

When I can’t seem to do it myself, the presence of others brings it all home, once again.

One week of special early bird sign-up for spring retreat in northeast Seattle. We’ll have an awesome time.

Much love, Grace

February 19, 2016

I hate thinking about this

darkness1 — peace is possible in every situation, even the one you hate thinking about

What do you do if you’re anxious, concerned, or troubled about what MIGHT happen in the future?

If the FUTURE is the thing stressing you out, how do you do The Work, or inquire, on that imaginary circumstance?

Someone asked me to write about this the other day.

Great question.

My first response is to chuckle a little….

….because that imaginary future scene we’re so afraid of feels like TOTAL imagination and making up a worrisome story, right?

Except, these memories or situations from the past….they’re also filled with imagination.

You might think….no.

That can’t be true.

In the past, this terrible horrible thing really did happen. I know it. I was there!

Doing The Work isn’t about denial, or saying something actually did not occur, because that would be weird or a bit crazy.

But this work is about investigating what we decided about that thing that occurred in the past. Our conclusions, the idea that we never, ever want to go through that again because we’re certain it wasn’t safe, it shouldn’t have happened, and it was unsurvivable.

Throughout life, to make matters worse, we learn about tough things happening to other people….and it’s natural to conclude that if bad things happen to people in this world, THEY’LL HAPPEN AGAIN!

And maybe to ME!

HHHEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!!

With the logical mind, you’d almost be bonkers NOT to conclude this.

But what I love about The Work is, we’re entering the mind, thoughts, imagination, thinking, visualizing and wondering what’s really true….

….and feeling what it would be like without believing our thoughts.

So let’s do a little exploration of Future Worries today and inquire.

Picture one of those upsetting things happening to you in the future.

If you really want to go for it, you can picture The Worst That Could Ever Happen.

I know this idea is intense.

You might want to do it in a group, or with a facilitator, and make sure you have support–you do anyway, no matter what, but having people with you can help.

(Just remember, it’s all in the mind, you are actually safe even if you think of horrible things).

I did this work myself.

The worst thing I could ever imagine happening was my kids dying suddenly.

It made me feel nauseated and I’d shout “DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT!” at myself.

I remember how vividly I considered this loss right after my first child was born.

My son, lying in his tiny car seat, seemed too delicate to even place in a car. I suddenly felt like I should never ever leave the house. Ever.

I was stunned with what I had just done. I had given birth and created such an intense tie with this human life, it dawned on me I could lose it.

I WOULD lose it, one day.

We were in separate bodies now (unlike pregnancy), and one of us would move on out of a body, who knew when, into this thing called “death” and the other “left behind” for awhile longer. That’s the only thing that could be known. No timing of it, no order of it, nothing else could ever be known about this process of traveling through this temporary life. My child might die before me, or me before child.

Only one thing was for certain. We both would eventually die.

So I sat with this imaginary horror show experience. Both my children dying.

Let’s do The Work.

Is your terrible vision something you are sure you couldn’t handle?

Are you positive it would be impossible to go on clearly, if it did?

Can you find, even a teensy eensy speck, of acceptance that these things do happen in reality, and life does indeed go on, and people not only survive but thrive sometimes?

Are you sure it’s true what you think about such difficulties isactually true?

Are you certain it’s as horrible as you think in this moment right now?

Byron Katie used to have a question she’d ask from time to time. It’s pretty blunt, and might sound kind of harsh.

And yet, I find very worthy of deep consideration.

“Who needs God, when we have your opinion?”

Gulp.

Even if you don’t like the word “God” you can substitute “Reality” or “Life” or “What Is”.

You mean….I might be….wrong? Or have one tiny perspective here that’s not the whole entire picture?

Oh. Right.

I notice, even if I don’t like something, or am terrified of death, hardship, separation, whatever….these events exist.

Could I look at them differently?

Who would you be without the belief that this vision you have, that’s pretty worrisome or devastating to think about….is bad, terrible, not handle-able, total destruction, evil or wrong?

Again, you aren’t denying the heart-breaking experience of loss, and change, and the feelings that pour out of it.

In fact, I learned of someone today, who I don’t know personally, whose son and 11 month old grandson were killed by a drunk driver one week ago.

I burst into tears.

But without the thought that this should never happen, or that nothing ever good comes out of it…..

…..without feeling terror of it, or against it, what might this be like?

You know when you go to the movies, and you see a very sad event occur, and you’re filled with sadness or fear? You might even cry in the movie theater.

Then the movie ends, and you wipe your eyes and ponder. Maybe you even sit quietly for awhile, in silence.

You’re aware that something deep has moved in you, and it’s moved through you because you felt.

You also know, it’s not real.

It was just a story.

Stories seem to happen in the human condition. Every kind of story you ever dreamed of (or had a nightmare about) happens in the human condition.

Everything.

But who are you, right now, without knowing exactly WHY anything happens or even needing to know?

Who would you be if you could relax in the presence of suffering, and hard stories, and the mind imagining all kinds of troubling things whether past or future?

What do you notice is here, besides “thinking”?

Even if you have visions of the apocalypse….what do you notice is here, now, holding all these stories and surrounding these difficult visions?

“Love can take everything into itself and remain complete – it can take in heartbreak, pain, fear, anger, sadness, total devastation. It can be crucified over and over again, and still remain whole. It knows no opposite, no enemy, no other. Only itself. Eternally, timelessly, Now.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

Now….here’s the interesting part.

Turn your thoughts around about that possible scene making you anxious about the future.

Could anything interesting, or good, or beneficial, or helpful come out of that vision that scares or repulses you?

Has anything OK come out of that kind of thing ever before in the history of humanity?

As I do this work again today, I’m brought back to my nightmare vision of my kids dying.

What would be OK about it, or what might happen after that happens, or is there anything at all I can think of that would be acceptable about my nightmare?

What I thought about at the time was hard, but miraculous that I could find even one thing. I found three.

I wouldn’t have to worry about making enough money to support them, feed them, pay for college–I was financially in ruins later on in life and horrified I couldn’t buy them clothes, school supplies, or music lessons.
I could move anywhere I wanted in the entire world.
They would never have to suffer through losing me, or their dad, or just about anyone in their lives.

If you can’t find any examples, let it sit there.

Notice in the world what has happened when the thing you’re afraid of has occurred in someone else’s life.

“I just met my thinking with a little understanding. I no longer saw it as an enemy that needed to die, go away, be–what was the term we used?–let go of it. Why would I let go of one of my children? Does that make sense? Our thoughts are our children. Why would we want to banish them? Why can’t we just join with them? And that’s what this Work does: it meets every concept with understanding.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Much love, Grace

February 17, 2016

What if you’re stuck? In Africa? And it’s getting dark?

South African adventure 1976....before the mud — South African adventure 1976….before the mud

I was 15 years old and on the most daring adventure my academic traveling parents had taken yet.

They liked exploring the world, the inner and outer.

Despite being able to identify a few imperfections about my parents (LOL, I’ve had the privilege of doing The Work)….

….my mom and dad both rocked the house when it came to love of learning.

They had rented a van, referred to as a kombi, in South Africa, and we joined another family with three kids (ours had four) in their own car, making a caravan to a fascinating place all the adults wanted to see.

We were in the tiny country of Lesotho (you say it “Lahsootoo”).

We had been driving for hours. Days, actually.

It had been raining just as long.

Even though I was 15, I notice now I didn’t question or ask how my parents and the other parents picked the village we were trying to drive to, or why.

They loved seeing places.

We were traveling a completely unpaved road at this point.

Well, things had been unpaved for a very long time, come to think of it.

Far, far, far into the deep heart of this small country.

We passed only people on foot, pretty rarely, carrying items on their heads. They would stop and stare at us as we bumped by like a gigantic turtle splattered with mud, going ten miles per hour. Maybe.

We could see the back of our friends up ahead also in their mud-covered car, the color now unknown as I remember only…..mud.

Then, I heard the spin.

The alert of tires, turning wildly in the thick mud.

I sat up straight and looked up at my dad from the back seat.

Would this be yet another time when he’d jump out, my mom would take the wheel, and he’d run alongside and push the van?

Spin, spin, spin.

Cough.

The engine died.

He turned it on again….success, motor engaged.

A moment later he called “everyone out!”

Our friends were up ahead, also spinning in place. Tires whirring and splatting mud in shooting streams.

They beckoned up to us as we all unloaded and moved to their car.

Everyone’s clothes were also, basically, mud-colored. At least our trousers.

Me and every other kid had bare feet. It was easier than trying to actually pull on mud-coated shoes.

We leaned, shoved, and in one big lunge, their car moved forward and up to more solid less liquified ground.

Then came the project of getting the kombi unstuck, and also up to solid ground.

I could tell my dad was getting anxious. It would be dark eventually.

They tried putting paper under the tires for traction. Everyone was offering solutions. A few men walking together along the road, who spoke no English at all, also began talking, waving their arms around, gesturing. It soon became clear, we will all set to gather piles of plants, grass, flowers, sticks, and make something solid in the road.

After a very long time, with shouting, and lots of rocking the kombi, lightening the load by unpacking some of it, and gathering everything we could pick, carry or throw under the wheels….

….there came that moment.

Just like when the space ship breaks through the last leg and the astronauts make it.

Cheers went up! The van was unstuck!

Hooray! All these people, some of whom didn’t speak the same language, shouting Hooray!

We then made our way only 30 minutes farther down the mountain as the day began to fade, entering a remote little village of maybe eight rondavels (small round lovely huts).

We made it.

Nothing like the thrill of Team Work.

Even though we traveled for an entire year, none of us ever forget that moment of the Lesotho mud road.

That village was the most beautiful place, ever, and my memory is the sun came out the next day….although I don’t actually know if that’s true. It was the sunny feeling on the inside of making it through a difficult problem, everyone pitching in and taking part, everyone having a role. Relief. Success.

The feeling of going at it together.

The other day, during a Year of Inquiry weekly call, someone in our group got stuck with her turnarounds.

“I absolutely can’t see”, she said, “how I could find any examples at all for why my ex shouldn’t work with me to help our teenage son.”

There was a pause, and then she asked everyone…..”can you all help me? Does anyone else see an example for my turnaround?”

Someone “raised their hand” (I get to see it on my screen, after someone pushes *2) and I called their name.

Then someone else offered a suggestion, and someone else.

It reminded me of Byron Katie here in Seattle several weeks ago, when a man sat on stage after the suicide of his son, looking at the turnaround on his worksheet and shaking his head “no”…..

…..”he should be dead”?

Katie turned to the audience.

Can anyone find an example?

One by one, people raised their hands and shared: He doesn’t have to live into old age, sickness or decay, he’s no longer suffering in this life, he’s free of a body, he’ll never have to go through other hardship and loss again like we all do while here on planet earth.

The point is not to try to feel better, if you don’t.

It’s not to be in denial.

It’s not pretending that what breaks your heart into a million pieces, didn’t.

For me, it’s about understanding this thinking, that I call “my” thinking (which can be questioned)….and being here, together with reality, instead of separated and in pain.

This work is about investigating the human condition, our thoughts, our suffering, what we believe that’s so agonizing.

And when it’s really difficult, and we can’t see any peace, we can get help from others.

Team Work.

And maybe we are all working together, all the time, all along, in every moment–no matter what has happened or is happening–and you always have available for you the question “can you help me get unstuck?”

“We seek because we feel separate – from each other, from life itself, from The One we love. We feel separate, but are we actually separate? To whom does ‘the sense of being separate’ appear? Does anybody own this ‘sense of being separate’? Even ‘the sense of being separate’ is inseparable from what you are. It does not belong to you. It arises in total intimacy. What you are allows every sense, every feeling, every thought to arise and fall, in a vast open space that cannot be fathomed by mind. Freedom from separation within that very sense of separation. Stunning!” ~ Jeff Foster

Ask for help. Yes, from the person you just thought of, from the group you know of that helps people in your situation.

You feel separate, but you aren’t.

Even if you’re far, far away in Africa, with no stores, or food, or gas stations or places that can help you in sight….

….and it’s getting dark….and darker….

….I guarantee you, you aren’t alone.

Air is filling your lungs, you’re here.

Team Work is happening.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you’d like the collective energy of people gathering together to question stressful thinking, come to retreat. The next retreat: Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. We’ll look at what we wish was here now (desire, abundance, love, excitement, the thing) and examine this longing for the truth. March 18-20.

February 16, 2016

Money, Abundance, Desire…Your Soul’s Work

Desire and Abundance...Do The Work, Clear The Way (March 18-20 weekend retreat Seattle) — Desire and Abundance…Do The Work, Clear The Way (March 18-20 weekend retreat Seattle)

The other day I got a quick chat message on skype….

….”Hey, you got time to do The Work for a sec?”

It was from someone I didn’t know or recognize.

Just like when I first started out in my business, I paused a moment to double-check if I missed anything in the short communication.

Nope.

Pretty short and sweet.

My thoughts start wondering, though.

Do they know what doing The Work is?

(It seems like not).

Do they know what “for a sec” means, or looks like?

It sounds super casual and friendly, like something someone might say who wants immediate attention, and probably is not looking to set up a session for hire, which is what I do for a living.

It’s a funny business I’m in, I sometimes muse.

That question for me would be the very same as asking a therapist….

….Hey, have you got a sec for me to run a few psychological issues by you and I can get your opinion….real quick? And I don’t want an actual therapy session or anything.

As always, so I don’t assume, I wrote back and asked….did you want to make an appointment? I gave my normal fee amount ($125), and just between you and me, I am an incredibly flexible person when it comes to payment if you truly need my time and energy and attention and you are honoring and respecting this, but you genuinely don’t have the normal fee.

(I’ve been told, too flexible–lesson learned).

Sure enough, this person wrote back: Oh wow! I didn’t know you charged for facilitating! Nevermind.

This is hilarious!

But the part I love about it is, it wasn’t the first person to ever do this.

Some people appear to think I’m simply open for calls, volunteering my time (which I do on the Helpline for The Work, two hours a month) or that I can call them back to have long conversations about how to do The Work.

This is a truly brilliant situation for me for finding small, slightly stressful or irritable thoughts about money and business and making a living and charging or asking for fees.

It will bring out all your true thoughts about money, and your possible love-hate relationship with it.

Uh, that would be MY love-hate relationship with it.

And this is perfect, right now, because I’m in the middle of running the eight week money course I love to teach (I love to learn)!

He shouldn’t assume I work for free or that I’m here only for volunteer service
She shouldn’t always show up late and go over time in our sessions and pay her bill late
Does he think I have no appointment calendar?
What does she think I do all day?
They don’t think my time is precious!
They don’t respect the huge investment made in training in The Work and human behavior (my master’s degree)
REALLY?

Ha ha, I’m laughing already, but let’s take a look.

You might be able to find this, even if you don’t charge money for anything. Maybe you feel this way about what you’re paid at your job and the raise you didn’t get, or what someone offered you once when you sold your car.

I’m not respected! Or there is something seriously OFF about them!

Is this story true?

Yes!

I mean….what are they thinking? How could they assume this?

But can you absolutely know this is true?

No. I really can’t know.

How do you react when you believe they are either insulting you, or they are missing a card in the deck if you know what I mean?

Wow….I start wondering if there’s some kind of vibe I put off that says “will work for anything” like I’m holding a piece of cardboard next to the freeway.

I start thinking I’m too nice….like my 8th grade teacher said. I don’t stick up for myself. I give off “kick me” or “I don’t matter” energy. I’m not good at boundaries. I don’t say “no” well.

I’m a loser. I’m bad with money. This proves it.

I treat that other person like they must be also a loser with money.

They don’t respect an independent professional, or someone running a small business, or the time and commitment of other people (OK, of me).

Oy.

It’s very stressful. It’s embarrassing. I feel childish, on top of it all.

So who would I be without this story of being used, or disrespected, or that someone’s asking too much for too little in exchange?

Who would I be without my story as I read the incoming simple question?

How would I feel? What would I say? What would I do?

I’d do exactly the same thing I already did….

….write a simple email back….

….without all the horrible dark thoughts of angst, self-criticism, attack, upset, disappointment, discouragement, or heavy meaning.

The moment would be soooo efficient, it would be mind-blowingly simple.

Did you want to set up a session? No.

Done.

My niceness, kindness, care, attention doesn’t have to have anything to do with the money exchanging hands.

What’s true is, I charge for my time. I have a business. Apparently, I need to earn money in order to be able to buy food and pay for my house, clothing, transportation.

Seriously, I don’t have other money available for my basic expenses.

In the world of infinite possibilities of what we can do, this is the one I finally have done more than any other profession or job….and I’m not sure “I” went with it, by the way….but it’s the thing I do and I trade this beautiful experience for money.

And yes, I do it for free sometimes, but this would be impossible without careful consideration and blocking aside my volunteer time in a truly caring and respectful way for my own schedule.

I turn the thoughts around….and while I’ve done this work before, I’m realizing something in this moment as I turn them all around to myself. Again.

I shouldn’t assume I work for free or that I’m here only for volunteer service (ouch, yes).
I shouldn’t always speak up late (about showing up late) and go over time in our sessions (without being clear) and NOT ask why the bill isn’t paid?
Do I think I have no appointment calendar?
What do I think I do all day?
I don’t think my time is precious!
I don’t respect the huge investment I’ve made in training in The Work and human behavior (my master’s degree)
REALLY?

These are all true.

I act passively, and don’t speak up for what I want and need, and then call myself a loser for caring about money, or not asking for money, or being unclear about money.

I think I’m supposed to be Mother Teresa and never keep a penny for myself, and yet, I’m a human with needs that cost money.

I notice….these people who ask if I’ll help them, for free, are an echo of my past beliefs coming forward to be seen again, and faced.

Yes, I am still clearly uncomfortable talking about money, asking for money, charging money, running a business, hiring an employee, paying taxes, paying bills, sending bills, caring about money.

Wow.

I do care about money.

I want to care about money, not ignore it and treat it like it’s nothing and of no use, or something dirty that I still happen to need, like a toilet.

But who would I be without the thought I have to get this all perfectly cleared up, squared away, that I have to be awesome and happy and charitable at all times, that I have to avoid looking selfish and greedy, that I have to be carefree, content, giving, saintly, generous and say “yes” to anyone who asks and never ask about money?

I’d be respecting money itself….which I haven’t. Not in my own mind. Not in my actions.

I turn the thoughts around again, but this time….to money.

I shouldn’t assume money works for free or that it’s here only for service (for me)
I shouldn’t always show up late for money (yep, started earning it in my forties) and give it away in our sessions (by going over time) and being so uncaring about it coming late
Do I think money has no appointment calendar? It’s just supposed to show up when I ask?
What do I think money does all day? Nothing?
I don’t think money is precious
I don’t respect the money investment I made (especially when I don’t charge reasonable fees, or ask for payment, or respect my accounting)
REALLY? (says money to me, do you care at all about me?)

“Why is money trouble? A better question to ask is: What happens to us when we are in its presence?…Money itself provides the occasion for finding this kind of deep ambivalence in the self, and money is one place where the soul’s work must be done.” ~ Stephen Jenkinson in Money and The Soul’s Desires, A Meditation

As I inquire today, I whisper thank you to money today. I bow to it’s power to bring out my own ambivalence about myself, about life, about love, service, right, wrong, reality.

I am here for soul’s work.

Turns out….money is involved.

It has a place in All This.

Just like inquiring about people I feel uncomfortable with….let’s make friends with money, too.

Much love, Grace

Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend Retreat: If you have trouble with money, a relationship, a dream you’ve never achieved….this is the place to allow the disappointment to surface, to be felt, to see your stressful thoughts, to inquire, to find out what’s really true for you. Let’s find freedom. Question your thinking, change….your whole world.

February 16, 2016

Bring me an enemy

buddhaKatieQuoteWWG Have you ever gone to an exciting, inspiring, moving, meaningful, thrilling party, or a movie, or a show, a meeting, a class….

….and someone else who went to the very same event….

….hated it?

OK, not so surprising to hear someone on the planet dislikes what they experience, or an event, or a person they meet, or their life (LOL)!

But let’s say….you thought it was in the top ten most fun things you’ve ever done.

How could there be such different viewpoints?

Your friend over there, he hated the lecture, felt angry afterwards, and posted facebook messages advising people never, ever attend a lecture of this kind….

….and you thought it was brilliant and posted facebook messages on how heart-opening it was for you.

Well, it’s no big news that there’s different strokes for different folks, as the old saying goes.

However, if you find yourself feeling stress about someone Not Agreeing it was the best party ever, or the most wonderful workshop, or a great meeting….

….it’s an awesome place to explore with The Work.

What kinds of thoughts come through your mind, if someone doesn’t share the same opinion as you, or agree with you, or like the same thing you like, or vote exactly the same as you?

She must be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered
He’s too immature, slow, frightened
He’s forceful, too opinionated, tries to stir people up
How could someone not see it the way I see it? There must be something wrong with them! (Or me).

How do you react when you think someone isn’t seeing something clearly, like you?

How do you react when you believe that person is wrong?!

I avoid them.

I don’t go to places where they hang out. I don’t call or email back. I go to the other side of the room if I see them at a gathering. I feel distant, and maybe sad. I wonder what they’re thinking but don’t go ask them questions. I talk about them to other people I know who might agree with me on how weird it is they voted for that other candidate. I feel nervous, or confused.

Some people shout when they feel anxious or confronted, send angry letters or attack their “enemies’.

So…..stick with one moment when you felt the sting of someone not agreeing with you.

It really helps to narrow it down to one specific moment.

Because, I know, there are some people when you think about them you think big global all-encompassing thoughts like, “We NEVER agree on anything, we are sooooo different, we just don’t get along!”

Picking ONE thing you don’t agree on is far easier than ALL of it.

As you notice how you react when you think “it would be better if they liked what I like” (and they clearly don’t)….

….ask yourself this helpful question:

What would you have, if they agreed with you?

Why would that be so much better, than them NOT agreeing?

Huh.

I imagine this would bring me comfort, pleasure, connection, safety, happiness, a sense of not being alone.

I wouldn’t doubt my own opinions (one secret worry in the background when someone disagrees).

If someone agrees with me, a check mark goes on the list “you’re right!”

As if I needed other peoples’ opinions, or agreement, or collusion.

Who would I be without the belief that this is what I need?

What would it be like, in this situation, if I couldn’t have the thought enter my mind that they should vote the same as me, and there’s something wrong if they aren’t?

What if a big hodge-podge of infinite opinions and possibilities….is Reality and The Way Of It?

(It is, I notice).

How could it be a good thing that this person doesn’t agree with me about that restaurant, movie, workshop, method, idea, flavor, or interest?

Turning the thoughts around:

When it comes to this person and their disagreeing with me, could I be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered?
Is my thinking is too immature, slow, frightened in this situation?…Could he be experienced, calm, comfortable enough to be expressing his opinion?
Am I forceful, too opinionated, and stirring myself up about this unnecessarily by giving myself a heart-attack because someone doesn’t see it my way?
How could it even be possible that someone sees it the SAME way I see it? That’s totally impossible, because they are not me!

It is far more true that no one will ever agree with me and see things the very same exact way I do.

That would be weird. And delusional. And boring. And limited. And unexciting, immature, controlling, and closed off.

I notice I love when I learn new things from people, and connect with them in a way beyond opinions, with love and acceptance.

Not war.

I see how incredibly fun it is to not have an enemy, but to have a fascinating friend and representative of another way to look

It’s even an invitation to connect, share, find out more about someone else and how they tick, rather than trying to get the world to agree with me.

“True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Much love, Grace

February 16, 2016

Becoming An Expert In Your Field

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