Money, Abundance, Desire…Your Soul’s Work

Ha ha, I’m laughing already, but let’s take a look.

You might be able to find this, even if you don’t charge money for anything. Maybe you feel this way about what you’re paid at your job and the raise you didn’t get, or what someone offered you once when you sold your car.

I’m not respected! Or there is something seriously OFF about them!

Is this story true?

Yes!

I mean….what are they thinking? How could they assume this?

But can you absolutely know this is true?

No. I really can’t know.

How do you react when you believe they are either insulting you, or they are missing a card in the deck if you know what I mean?

Wow….I start wondering if there’s some kind of vibe I put off that says “will work for anything” like I’m holding a piece of cardboard next to the freeway.

I start thinking I’m too nice….like my 8th grade teacher said. I don’t stick up for myself. I give off “kick me” or “I don’t matter” energy. I’m not good at boundaries. I don’t say “no” well.

I’m a loser. I’m bad with money. This proves it.

I treat that other person like they must be also a loser with money.

They don’t respect an independent professional, or someone running a small business, or the time and commitment of other people (OK, of me).

Oy.

It’s very stressful. It’s embarrassing. I feel childish, on top of it all.

So who would I be without this story of being used, or disrespected, or that someone’s asking too much for too little in exchange?

Who would I be without my story as I read the incoming simple question?

How would I feel? What would I say? What would I do?

I’d do exactly the same thing I already did….

….write a simple email back….

….without all the horrible dark thoughts of angst, self-criticism, attack, upset, disappointment, discouragement, or heavy meaning.

The moment would be soooo efficient, it would be mind-blowingly simple.

Did you want to set up a session? No.

Done.

My niceness, kindness, care, attention doesn’t have to have anything to do with the money exchanging hands.

What’s true is, I charge for my time. I have a business. Apparently, I need to earn money in order to be able to buy food and pay for my house, clothing, transportation.

Seriously, I don’t have other money available for my basic expenses.

In the world of infinite possibilities of what we can do, this is the one I finally have done more than any other profession or job….and I’m not sure “I” went with it, by the way….but it’s the thing I do and I trade this beautiful experience for money.

And yes, I do it for free sometimes, but this would be impossible without careful consideration and blocking aside my volunteer time in a truly caring and respectful way for my own schedule.

I turn the thoughts around….and while I’ve done this work before, I’m realizing something in this moment as I turn them all around to myself. Again.

• I shouldn’t assume I work for free or that I’m here only for volunteer service (ouch, yes).
• I shouldn’t always speak up late (about showing up late) and go over time in our sessions (without being clear) and NOT ask why the bill isn’t paid?
• Do I think I have no appointment calendar?
• What do I think I do all day?
• I don’t think my time is precious!
• I don’t respect the huge investment I’ve made in training in The Work and human behavior (my master’s degree)
• REALLY?

These are all true.

I act passively, and don’t speak up for what I want and need, and then call myself a loser for caring about money, or not asking for money, or being unclear about money.

I think I’m supposed to be Mother Teresa and never keep a penny for myself, and yet, I’m a human with needs that cost money.

I notice….these people who ask if I’ll help them, for free, are an echo of my past beliefs coming forward to be seen again, and faced.

Yes, I am still clearly uncomfortable talking about money, asking for money, charging money, running a business, hiring an employee, paying taxes, paying bills, sending bills, caring about money.

Wow.

I do care about money.

I want to care about money, not ignore it and treat it like it’s nothing and of no use, or something dirty that I still happen to need, like a toilet.

But who would I be without the thought I have to get this all perfectly cleared up, squared away, that I have to be awesome and happy and charitable at all times, that I have to avoid looking selfish and greedy, that I have to be carefree, content, giving, saintly, generous and say “yes” to anyone who asks and never ask about money?

I’d be respecting money itself….which I haven’t. Not in my own mind. Not in my actions.

I turn the thoughts around again, but this time….to money.

• I shouldn’t assume money works for free or that it’s here only for service (for me)
• I shouldn’t always show up late for money (yep, started earning it in my forties) and give it away in our sessions (by going over time) and being so uncaring about it coming late
• Do I think money has no appointment calendar? It’s just supposed to show up when I ask?
• What do I think money does all day? Nothing?
• I don’t think money is precious
• I don’t respect the money investment I made (especially when I don’t charge reasonable fees, or ask for payment, or respect my accounting)
• REALLY? (says money to me, do you care at all about me?)

“Why is money trouble? A better question to ask is: What happens to us when we are in its presence?…Money itself provides the occasion for finding this kind of deep ambivalence in the self, and money is one place where the soul’s work must be done.” ~ Stephen Jenkinson in Money and The Soul’s Desires, A Meditation

As I inquire today, I whisper thank you to money today. I bow to it’s power to bring out my own ambivalence about myself, about life, about love, service, right, wrong, reality.

I am here for soul’s work.

Turns out….money is involved.

It has a place in All This.

Just like inquiring about people I feel uncomfortable with….let’s make friends with money, too.

Much love, Grace

Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend Retreat: If you have trouble with money, a relationship, a dream you’ve never achieved….this is the place to allow the disappointment to surface, to be felt, to see your stressful thoughts, to inquire, to find out what’s really true for you. Let’s find freedom. Question your thinking, change….your whole world.