Have you ever gone to an exciting, inspiring, moving, meaningful, thrilling party, or a movie, or a show, a meeting, a class….
….and someone else who went to the very same event….
….hated it?
OK, not so surprising to hear someone on the planet dislikes what they experience, or an event, or a person they meet, or their life (LOL)!
But let’s say….you thought it was in the top ten most fun things you’ve ever done.
How could there be such different viewpoints?
Your friend over there, he hated the lecture, felt angry afterwards, and posted facebook messages advising people never, ever attend a lecture of this kind….
….and you thought it was brilliant and posted facebook messages on how heart-opening it was for you.
Well, it’s no big news that there’s different strokes for different folks, as the old saying goes.
However, if you find yourself feeling stress about someone Not Agreeing it was the best party ever, or the most wonderful workshop, or a great meeting….
….it’s an awesome place to explore with The Work.
What kinds of thoughts come through your mind, if someone doesn’t share the same opinion as you, or agree with you, or like the same thing you like, or vote exactly the same as you?
- She must be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered
- He’s too immature, slow, frightened
- He’s forceful, too opinionated, tries to stir people up
- How could someone not see it the way I see it? There must be something wrong with them! (Or me).
How do you react when you think someone isn’t seeing something clearly, like you?
How do you react when you believe that person is wrong?!
I avoid them.
I don’t go to places where they hang out. I don’t call or email back. I go to the other side of the room if I see them at a gathering. I feel distant, and maybe sad. I wonder what they’re thinking but don’t go ask them questions. I talk about them to other people I know who might agree with me on how weird it is they voted for that other candidate. I feel nervous, or confused.
Some people shout when they feel anxious or confronted, send angry letters or attack their “enemies’.
So…..stick with one moment when you felt the sting of someone not agreeing with you.
It really helps to narrow it down to one specific moment.
Because, I know, there are some people when you think about them you think big global all-encompassing thoughts like, “We NEVER agree on anything, we are sooooo different, we just don’t get along!”
Picking ONE thing you don’t agree on is far easier than ALL of it.
As you notice how you react when you think “it would be better if they liked what I like” (and they clearly don’t)….
….ask yourself this helpful question:
What would you have, if they agreed with you?
Why would that be so much better, than them NOT agreeing?
Huh.
I imagine this would bring me comfort, pleasure, connection, safety, happiness, a sense of not being alone.
I wouldn’t doubt my own opinions (one secret worry in the background when someone disagrees).
If someone agrees with me, a check mark goes on the list “you’re right!”
As if I needed other peoples’ opinions, or agreement, or collusion.
Who would I be without the belief that this is what I need?
What would it be like, in this situation, if I couldn’t have the thought enter my mind that they should vote the same as me, and there’s something wrong if they aren’t?
What if a big hodge-podge of infinite opinions and possibilities….is Reality and The Way Of It?
(It is, I notice).
How could it be a good thing that this person doesn’t agree with me about that restaurant, movie, workshop, method, idea, flavor, or interest?
Turning the thoughts around:
- When it comes to this person and their disagreeing with me, could I be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered?
- Is my thinking is too immature, slow, frightened in this situation?…Could he be experienced, calm, comfortable enough to be expressing his opinion?
- Am I forceful, too opinionated, and stirring myself up about this unnecessarily by giving myself a heart-attack because someone doesn’t see it my way?
- How could it even be possible that someone sees it the SAME way I see it? That’s totally impossible, because they are not me!
It is far more true that no one will ever agree with me and see things the very same exact way I do.
That would be weird. And delusional. And boring. And limited. And unexciting, immature, controlling, and closed off.
I notice I love when I learn new things from people, and connect with them in a way beyond opinions, with love and acceptance.
Not war.
I see how incredibly fun it is to not have an enemy, but to have a fascinating friend and representative of another way to look
It’s even an invitation to connect, share, find out more about someone else and how they tick, rather than trying to get the world to agree with me.
“True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Much love, Grace