Tag: C.S. Lewis

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Bring me an enemy

buddhaKatieQuoteWWGHave you ever gone to an exciting, inspiring, moving, meaningful, thrilling party, or a movie, or a show, a meeting, a class….

….and someone else who went to the very same event….

….hated it?

OK, not so surprising to hear someone on the planet dislikes what they experience, or an event, or a person they meet, or their life (LOL)!

But let’s say….you thought it was in the top ten most fun things you’ve ever done.

How could there be such different viewpoints?

Your friend over there, he hated the lecture, felt angry afterwards, and posted facebook messages advising people never, ever attend a lecture of this kind….

….and you thought it was brilliant and posted facebook messages on how heart-opening it was for you.

Well, it’s no big news that there’s different strokes for different folks, as the old saying goes.

However, if you find yourself feeling stress about someone Not Agreeing it was the best party ever, or the most wonderful workshop, or a great meeting….

….it’s an awesome place to explore with The Work.

What kinds of thoughts come through your mind, if someone doesn’t share the same opinion as you, or agree with you, or like the same thing you like, or vote exactly the same as you?

  • She must be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered
  • He’s too immature, slow, frightened
  • He’s forceful, too opinionated, tries to stir people up
  • How could someone not see it the way I see it? There must be something wrong with them! (Or me).

How do you react when you think someone isn’t seeing something clearly, like you?

How do you react when you believe that person is wrong?!

I avoid them.

I don’t go to places where they hang out. I don’t call or email back. I go to the other side of the room if I see them at a gathering. I feel distant, and maybe sad. I wonder what they’re thinking but don’t go ask them questions. I talk about them to other people I know who might agree with me on how weird it is they voted for that other candidate. I feel nervous, or confused.

Some people shout when they feel anxious or confronted, send angry letters or attack their “enemies’.

So…..stick with one moment when you felt the sting of someone not agreeing with you.

It really helps to narrow it down to one specific moment.

Because, I know, there are some people when you think about them you think big global all-encompassing thoughts like, “We NEVER agree on anything, we are sooooo different, we just don’t get along!”

Picking ONE thing you don’t agree on is far easier than ALL of it.

As you notice how you react when you think “it would be better if they liked what I like” (and they clearly don’t)….

….ask yourself this helpful question:

What would you have, if they agreed with you?

Why would that be so much better, than them NOT agreeing?

Huh.

I imagine this would bring me comfort, pleasure, connection, safety, happiness, a sense of not being alone.

I wouldn’t doubt my own opinions (one secret worry in the background when someone disagrees).

If someone agrees with me, a check mark goes on the list “you’re right!”

As if I needed other peoples’ opinions, or agreement, or collusion.

Who would I be without the belief that this is what I need?

What would it be like, in this situation, if I couldn’t have the thought enter my mind that they should vote the same as me, and there’s something wrong if they aren’t?

What if a big hodge-podge of infinite opinions and possibilities….is Reality and The Way Of It?

(It is, I notice).

How could it be a good thing that this person doesn’t agree with me about that restaurant, movie, workshop, method, idea, flavor, or interest?

Turning the thoughts around:

  • When it comes to this person and their disagreeing with me, could I be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered?
  • Is my thinking is too immature, slow, frightened in this situation?…Could he be experienced, calm, comfortable enough to be expressing his opinion?
  • Am I forceful, too opinionated, and stirring myself up about this unnecessarily by giving myself a heart-attack because someone doesn’t see it my way?
  • How could it even be possible that someone sees it the SAME way I see it? That’s totally impossible, because they are not me!

It is far more true that no one will ever agree with me and see things the very same exact way I do.

That would be weird. And delusional. And boring. And limited. And unexciting, immature, controlling, and closed off.

I notice I love when I learn new things from people, and connect with them in a way beyond opinions, with love and acceptance.

Not war.

I see how incredibly fun it is to not have an enemy, but to have a fascinating friend and representative of another way to look

It’s even an invitation to connect, share, find out more about someone else and how they tick, rather than trying to get the world to agree with me.

“True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Much love, Grace

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No One Can Leave Me, Even In Death – Happy Birthday Dad

I know LOTS of people tried to download the little parenting ebook. Go here to do it instead and click Download. Looking forward to your feedback (just hit reply any time and let me know what you like or don’t like about it): 

Get How To Be A Happy Parent Free Ebook.

****

Speaking of parents.

Today would be my dad’s 83rd birthday. But he died long ago in 1990 barely making age 60.

I think about him every year on this day, and many others. With immense gratitude.

He came to me immediately just now, after I woke up. I was sitting in a chair with a dark misty early morning all around through the windows, damp and green and very quiet, as it is often in the Pacific Northwest. 

I can see him in my mind standing near the front door, with his walking stick, his flat wool cap, his wire-rimmed glasses and gray speckled beard, asking “shall we go on a little walk?”

But the gratitude used to be all mixed up with despair, loss and missing him.

That was before doing The Work. Before time passed.

One of my very first realizations after beginning the questioning of my deep-seated beliefs was finding a sense of peace with death. 

One of my sisters had already attended The School for The Work. She shared with me two important things she learned from her experience there.

  1. Our dad did not actually die (say what?)
  2. A total stranger, another participant at the event, had accidentally caused the death of his own two year old child….and it didn’t kill HIM, emotionally

These two pieces of information jet-propelled me to the next School.

I wanted to understand, and face, death. So terrifying!

What on earth could this idea mean, that our dad did not actually die? I mean, I sat with him as he took his last breath. I felt his hand grow cold.

His body is no longer around. I haven’t seen him in over two decades. 

The most profound awareness came over time, gently investigating a pretty simple belief. 

What I mean by belief is something I repeated over and over to myself in my mind: my dad died.

Is it true? 

Yes. I was there. He’s gone. He never got older than sixty.

Right at this point is when I used to cry, feel such sadness I felt my throat close and my heart break. It felt horrible. 

But I kept going anyway, with this process of inquiry.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that my dad died? 

It may sound odd, but can I absolutely know….beyond a shadow of a doubt….that he is gone, forever, that there is nothing at all left of him, anywhere?

No. I can’t know this at all. I remember him. This memory alone shows there is something here of him. 

I can have a conversation with my dad and get a real solid sense of what he’d tell me, how he’d answer a question I asked. I can see him in my mind vividly.

And as for physically, where bodies go, where cells and life and energy move, I definitely can’t know that this is dead. 

In fact, it’s unlikely, scientifically.

So, no, strangely enough….I can’t absolutely know it’s true that my dad died.

How did I always react when I believed that thought?

Devastated. Wishing he was here. Frightened. Wondering why it’s set up like this on planet earth, with such loss. 

How did I treat myself, internally, when I believed my dad died? 

Like something was missing that I couldn’t quite have, without him. Like I couldn’t make it as well in life. Like I was smaller somehow.

Then the great question: Who was I without the belief that my dad died?

Or, without the belief that I was missing something because he died, that it was devastating or terrible? 

Walking down the street, driving my car, doing laundry, reading a book, going to the gym, playing with my kids, buying groceries….hadn’t I actually done all these things hundreds of times WITHOUT my dad?

I mean, I had moved out of my parents house about 8 years before he “died”. 

I had done a lot on my own. Without sadness. Without thinking “oh this is so so so terrible and devastating that my dad isn’t here right now.” 

That’s what it would be like without the thought. I already knew what that was like. 

I would smile as his memory and image entered my mind. 

Or, I might sob and weep with love, feeling the bittersweet grief pouring out. All mixed with happiness. 

“I love to say, ‘No one can leave me. They don’t have that power.'” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thought around, I find my dad lived, my dad is alive. 

It seems as true or truer, even if his body is no longer here. 

(Everyone’s body is eventually no longer here. What did I expect?)

I see his back go around a corner ahead of me down the block. He just drove by in a car. I saw him gardening at the pea patch from the bus window. My son just sounded exactly the same as my father, although they never met. Little glimpses.  

I don’t know any way to be with this than being with it. 

The final turnaround to my belief: I died (when my dad died).  

Something did die, but maybe that’s not so terrible. A dependence died. A clinging died. An expectation that I must have my dad. 

I’ve now had to stand on my own two feet, without having a father in this world. 

“If you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you — you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again.” ~ C.S. Lewis

If you’d like to explore pain, sickness and death in a small telegroup, we begin on Tuesday, October 29th, 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time.  Register Here. As always, ask me if you have concerns about the fee grace@workwithgrace.com.  

Love, Grace