It’s something people feel so angry about when they’re dieting, or trying not to eat certain foods.
When we feel deprived in a diet, everything gets lazer-focused on this food we “can’t” have.
If you notice you feel upset about NOT GETTING something you want….
….you might get stuck in a really difficult pattern of grabbing what you want, then avoiding what you want, then condemning yourself for what you want.
You get stuck in using violence and punishment or scarcity to control your mind, eating, and your future.
If you say “no” to something, you’ll really, really be deprived.
Let’s do The Work.
is that true that if you say “no” and you feel and attend only to your body’s signals, you’ll be deprived?
Yes! I want to taste, to enjoy, to consume! I don’t care what my body feels like!
Can you absolutely know it’s true you’ll feel deprived if you say no to eating something, drinking something, doing something?
Hmmmm. No.
How do you react when you believe you’ll experience physical or emotional pain when you say “no”?
Today I share this inquiry in the eating peace video.
Who would you be without this story of suffering?
Notice this moment, now. Today.
Happy New Moment.
What is it like, without considering the future? (Or, the past)?
In two weeks the annual Eating Peace Retreat assembles. Still room for two more to stay, both onsite if you like in our gorgeous retreat house. A beautiful time of being with food and silence and inquiry, in the community of others, and actually feeling eating peace. Jan 11-15. Join me.
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The mind is genius.
It sees through eyes, ears, smells, memories, imagination.
So much is going on in the head, in our thoughts, its quite astonishing. It’s all happening while we walk, run, buy groceries, drive somewhere, vacuum the floor, even talk with others.
And then there’s food.
Many people say that this time of year is the hardest when it comes to binge-eating, graze-eating, eating off the diet because of goodies and feasts and dinners with others.
I don’t know about you, but I had trouble with eating no matter what time of year it was. I really didn’t see any difference between December and July.
I’d get triggered, have emotional reactions (sometimes old repetitive ones), feel terror, anxiety, anger, sadness or depression….
….and cravings would arise, as my mind showed me images of what would help ease or soothe the pain. Food.
But that mind isn’t always right.
I’m sure you’ve noticed.
What if you asked your hand to keep you company, or how it recommends reacting to the situation, instead of your mind?
Because the inner mental voice, that takes everything very personally, that voice in the mind (which we’ve talked about a lot) can be screaming to eat the food.
The same mind can also consider and know where eating will go. Nowhere particularly useful–and in the long run absolutely NOT useful. You know what will happen already. You’ll have a moment of relief as you taste and feel the food in your mouth and swallowing it, and then instantly you’ll want more, or start screaming at yourself that you just screwed up.
What if there’s something other than your mind to listen to, when it comes to this whole feeling-uncomfortable-craving-eating cycle?
What if you consulted your hand, for example, about what to do in any situation with food and eating present?
There is a part of you, of all of us, that’s more expansive than the mind that’s talking about eating. Really.
You can say “no” with a craving, or emotion, running through the body. You can handle not eating.
You don’t have to believe your thoughts that say you can’t handle the tension, or the urge to eat, or the emotional triggers that appear.
If a crazy aunt was yelling at you in the corner to EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT (or smoke, drink, steal, work, lie) you wouldn’t automatically believe she’s got the right idea.
You can actually sit back, rest, and stop.
Nothing is required.
“When someone loves what is, she makes use of anything life happens to bring her way, because she doesn’t con herself anymore. What comes her way is always good. She sees that clearly, even though people may say otherwise.” ~ Byron Katie
For me, this doesn’t have to mean I condone or feel ecstatic about what comes my way, but I’m not fighting with it…I’m not fighting with my memories, or food, cravings, eating, people, emotions, circumstances. I’m letting all those things be there, as they are. No argument.
It means I don’t have to eat, if I’m not hungry.
It may not feel comfortable…but I’m not conning myself with my own mind that I can’t handle a situation, that my only option is to eat if I crave, that my emotions are intolerable.
I can turn those thoughts around: I can handle it, my only peaceful option is to NOT eat, my emotions are tolerable and part of the human experience.
When someone first asked me to offer a retreat in The Work specifically for people to work on eating issues, food judgments, or upsetting thoughts about their bodies….
….I’ll be honest. I thought almost immediately “No Thanks.”
The world of compulsion, addiction, zombie trance eating that I had experienced for many years was so brutal. Especially the tricky, vicious voices related to emotional eating and hatred of fatness and a glorifying of thinness.
These were tough topics. They had been so filled with suffering for me. I wanted to leave them behind, and never look back.
I was also nervous that people might not find answers, or “get” how to apply self-inquiry to their eating or weight or compulsions.
I noticed out in the world, people got angry, perfectionistic, discouraged and very opinionated about food and ways of eating (raw, protein-heavy, meat-eaters, vegan, pure, anti-this, pro-that, anti-rules, pro-rules).
Or was it me who had experienced all that conflict in my own mind?
Hmmm. The world of eating, and my body image, was a battle field for sure–whether I was succeeding or failing.
As time passed and I worked with more and more people one-to-one, exploring the world of upside-down or troubled eating, I knew it would be of service to share in lightening the agony. I knew people could come together and investigate how to reach the natural state of peace we all were born with.
My first workshop was what some might call a….big flop.
In creating the curriculum, I thought I needed at least a weekend, including Friday night. I drew from retreats that had helped me. I felt confident in imagining the exercises and ways of bringing The Work and self-inquiry into all facets of the retreat. I had done many of these exercises with people in solo sessions. I felt excited.
Then, when it got time to put it on the calendar and announce it, only a few people expressed interest. And the person who had originally asked me to create a retreat was no longer living in the area, and not wanting to travel back to Seattle only for a weekend.
This was back when I was so new at offering facilitation and guidance, my confidence was the size of a peanut.
Three people signed up for the retreat.
One of them attended by skype from Colorado. We had a spot set up for her on a little table in my living room. Another drove a distance from Oregon, and a third kind gentleman came from fairly close by in Seattle.
As I mention in today’s video, the way I structured the schedule, everyone went off at meal breaks and got their choice of foods, with instructions to eat mindfully, notice their thoughts, write them down, and then return in 90 minutes.
Although everyone felt calmer around food and eating, no one reported feeling very different with food. One person even said they ate something they usually don’t eat, and they weren’t too sure this had been a good idea.
The exercises were powerful and interesting, the inquiry was thought-provoking and offered insights….but how could the people coming to a retreat on eating peace actually experience something different in their eating?
As I pondered this over time, I read about a man who had a vibrant zen meditation practice, who also had had many overeating or compulsive eating issues in his life, who loved bringing peace into his relationship with food.
*PING*!
It was like a little bell went off.
I myself hadn’t been willing to sit with people and share what it was like to mindfully and peacefully eat–to guide people in the experience itself.
If I wasn’t willing to expose myself in a meal for all the world to see, certainly they wouldn’t be willing either.
I knew what to do. I needed to have everyone who came to retreat eat together, in a different way. It needed to be a part of the practice, the process, the experience.
So that’s how a full immersion retreat was born. Instead of me going away to be all by myself eating whatever I wanted, dang-it, I’d eat whatever I wanted in plain sight.
No need to rebel, defend, or fight for whatever it was I was eating. No need to hold judgments about whether I did it right, or wrong.
I knew this, I had felt the peace of caring kindly for my own body, and now if I wanted to share it honestly with others, it was time to actually do that, for reals.
So the next retreat was different.
The planning was different, the feeling inside myself was different, the peanut-sized confidence didn’t really matter….I felt love and willingness to flop again, if that’s what happened….but also, I trusted the inspiration.
I wanted to join with others on the same journey, who had been suffering when it came to food.
I actually felt this weird sensation of knowing I was going to offer what I always wished was available for me, so long ago, when I felt crushing desperation about how to eat normally, and like I couldn’t find out how.
Now, this Eating Peace Retreat has become four days long. And honestly, it could become longer at some point.
But for now, we gather on a Thursday night (January 11th) for this upcoming annual retreat, we meet Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm, and Monday morning (January 15th) we meet two more hours as a final session together.
I’m with you every step of the way. We eat, think, inquire, feel, explore, walk, and move together.
We identify our most painful thoughts about being in this world with food–what we’ve learned to fear or hate. You get to pick your own food, on purpose, and give yourself what you want and need.
We identify our most painful thoughts about moving, about energy and physicality or whatever’s called “exercise”–every difficult, furious or tormented thought about any of it, and take it through the inquiry process. We’ll do some moving together, without the mind running the show.
We identify our most painful thoughts about what other people think of us, what they see, what they’ve said, what we think it means about us. We identify our beliefs about hunger, fullness, and the foods we have the greatest trouble with.
All of these thoughts, we can question.
We tie in The Work of Byron Katie with all of these stressful, troubling ideas we’ve had in our minds. The Work is the most simple, beautiful, lazer-sharp way to dissolve our suffering about food, our weight, our eating.
This retreat is intentionally left small. I offer it once a year in Seattle (yes, I know I should offer it again during a little more light and a little less rain…stay tuned, this is coming).
Everyone who attends, I’ll be checking in with a month after the retreat to see how you’re doing and if your life with eating needs further support. Everyone at the retreat will leave with partners to do this work with over the phone or skype, so they can stay in touch with questioning their stressful thinking.
What I know now, is I can’t label the Eating Peace Retreat as a big flop anymore.
It’s been phenomenal.
I’m so moved, deeply touched, and in awe of what people learn about themselves through the process of being together and doing The Work on memories, beliefs and struggles they’ve never questioned before….about food, their bodies, their eating.
I am so, so amazed to find that the terrible, frightening, wild and chaotic eating I used to do actually brought me home to a bigger, brighter, more enlightened world….and that the same difficult experience brings me to serve others who want to find a way of eating peace, too.
I wanted to thank you for a wonderful retreat. It was life changing. The Work has been such an amazing tool in my life and to combine it with eating peace could not be more perfect. In my heart I feel it was the missing piece and exactly what I was hoping for when I signed up and more. I am so grateful and excited to practice eating peace in my daily life and continue to use The Work on my stressful thoughts around food and eating….Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your guidance, wisdom and teaching, it is such a great gift to share.
~ Participant January 2017
Eating Peace Retreat is only a month away. I’d be honored to have you, if it’s right. To register, visit here. Room for one more person in the retreat house (ask about how to reserve) and also room for one in a lovely airbnb run by friends close by is still available. Write with your questions.
And now….what if when you think about all this eating and being together, and eating mindfully in a group….it makes you want to run the other way. Fast!?
What if the REBEL comes out when you’re trying to eat peacefully? What if the very thought of slowing down, and sitting with people on an eating peace retreat….makes you want to jump out of your skin, or to strangle something?
It’s definitely how I used to feel (and still do sometimes). Watch the video today to see what happened for me around the Rebel, and how to be with it and let it be here, staying safe and clear at the same time.
The empty Goldilocks Cottage after all the beautiful people have gone to their next chapter, their next adventure after retreat. The circle is here, still full of the love, kindness, intimacy. Beautiful voices, and now equally beautifully silence. Thank you world.
What a remarkable time in retreat for the past 3 days. A beautiful group of inquirers, coming from far and wide, several of whom joined literally the night before.
Funny how things work out. We wound up being full….Or, we could have added one more, but close enough.
Five days before the retreat, I thought we needed to double the number, and one person canceled. The attendance was going in the WRONG direction.
Oh no! This is bad!
It’s fascinating the way things unfold. We’ll think we want it to go like X, but it goes like Y. We want that person to say A but they say B. We despair because we received Q and we thought we needed R. We wait for C but only D appears.
And this is only when it comes to uncomfortable outcomes.
We can also have preconceived ideas, plans, or expectations and get pleasantly surprised. We then feel excited, or good, or delighted, or thrilled.
I thought it would be E but it was F. WOW!! Good news! I am so lucky! Fantastic!
The thing is, with either one of these perspectives and how it happens to unfold (“good” or “bad”)….
….I use a certain outcome to make me happy, or make me sad.
In both situations, I’m hanging on the Way It’s Gone to mean I feel good, or I feel bad.
Holy Smokes.
That’s putting myself in a pretty dependent place. It matters very deeply the way it goes. I’m a victim to the way Reality moves. Good or Bad.
No wonder I’ve gotten so nervous, worried, hand-wringing anxious, upset, troubled or less-than-relaxed in the past when it comes to something like a retreat happening.
I’ll be happy if it’s full (or almost full). I’ll be disappointed if it isn’t.
We can do The Work on this very powerful awareness, that the outcome can be “good” or “bad” to any situation, anywhere, ever.
Find one you can relate to. You’ll be really happy if it goes like Y. You’ll be unhappy if it goes like X.
Job interviews, relationship commitments, divorce, marriage, illness, a diagnosis, moving to a new place, making money, traveling somewhere, a court sentence, a major decision, buying something, trading for something, a law passing, a voting outcome, selling something, enrolling in something, hosting an event.
There’s an outcome that’s good. There’s another outcome that’s bad.
Let’s do The Work.
Whatever happens, there’s a good way for this to go, and a bad way. In my case, the retreat should be full. It shouldn’t be sparsely attended.
Ten days before this retreat, I had the image of working with only two people for the entire 2.5 days. It wouldn’t be worth it. I’d lose money. It wouldn’t be fun. It wouldn’t be rewarding like so many retreats are. I should have…..Breitenbush should have….This is too hard and impossible.
Images of all this in my head.
Disappointment. Frustration.
Is it true it will go that disappointing way?
Am I sure it would be “bad” if there were only two people and the images came true?
Am I sure it’s terrible if I hear a difficult diagnosis, learn about a change of plans, receive surprising information, all those things on my “bad” list….can I be absolutely sure they would be bad, if they happened?
Woah. NO.
Many tough things have happened, and with self inquiry–even prior to knowing The Work–those events shaped me in some deeply powerful ways. They were useful. For all I know, they were required.
I really can’t know if it’s bad when something happens, even when I’m believing it is.
I can’t know at all if working with two people would be wrong, awkward, difficult, a loss. And beyond that, I don’t even know if I will in fact only have two people.
Turns out I didn’t.
How do you react when you believe it needs to go like X in order for you to be happy?
OMG.
If the stakes are high, the anxiety is through the roof. I’m doing everything I can to push, force, cajole, make the thing go the way I want.
I pray, I wish, I hope. I want “Reality” to go MY WAY. If it does, it means I’m favored. If it doesn’t, it means I’m unlucky or did something wrong, or thought something wrong.
I see images of all the bad ways it could go. I see images of all the good ways it could go. I vote for the good ways, only.
Maybe I feel desperate.
But who would you be without this dreadful story that something must go the way you see it needs to go in order to be happy?
BOINGGGG.
It’s almost like a cartoon frying pan hitting the mind. Something stops. Like….what??!
You mean….? if I didn’t think Y was better than X or B was better than A?
Who would I be without the belief I should have a certain number of people in this upcoming retreat weekend? Who would I be without the belief it will be bad if there’s only two?
What if I just really didn’t know what was best for myself, for the world, for the other people, for reality, for the universe?
(I notice, I couldn’t possibly know).
Without the thought there’s a good way for this to go….I find my sense of humor. I am filled with wonder and what this will be like. I’m excited to see what happens. I’m aware I’m not in charge of reality (LOL). I do what excites me in the moment, with a feeling of joy.
Without the belief, I write about the upcoming weekend. I share my thrill of The Work. I write to a few people I know who might be interested, or know others who are. I feel like this is a fabulous game, a fun challenge, an adventurous wager. And I rest and attend to other things as well. I relax.
The feeling in the body, without knowing how anything will unfold and yet trusting I’ll roll with it, however it goes, is sooooo brilliant and restful, awake and buzzingly alive all at once. Oooh, hands clapping. The future is a discovery.
Turning the thought around: If it goes that “bad” way…it will be fantastic! (In my case, two people for 2.5 days).
AMAZING. This could be so true! I’d get close, intimate, deep connection with two very sincere inquirers. What a gift. We’d go far, wide, and thorough. I’d have fewer supplies and papers and notebooks to organize, and snacks, and tea. We’d get to do things impossible for a larger group.
I see examples of life going “badly” and how each one of these events or experiences has brought such awe-inspiring insights to my life: cancer, divorce, losing all my money, losing my house, getting betrayed or cut off. All of it. From ALL OF IT I received gifts.
Turning the thought around again: Only in my thinking does it mean something “bad”. Only in my mind is there bad and good.
“Whatever it takes for you to find your freedom, that’s what you’ve lived. Not one ingredient more or less….You go with inquiry into darkness, and find only light. And now you can see, even when you’ve been to the depths of hell, that’s all that was ever there, ever.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Turns out, in this situation, what was necessary for me, for others, for this past weekend in the little Goldilocks cottage in Lake Forest Park, Washington was a full last-minute group of incredible people coming from remarkably long distances to sit together, dance together, inquire together, laugh together, cry together, listen to poetry together and discover abundance and love together while questioning our thinking.
At least, this is my story.
But I know, it isn’t really True.
And it’s Absolutely True.
The greatest gift is loving the way it goes.
(Which doesn’t mean I have to like it).
Except for my mental pictures, my thoughts, my imaginings, my anticipations, my regrets, my ideas about right and wrong, the way I say “my” here for this list….
….I love exactly what happened.
I care for the way it went, and for every person, the furniture in the room, the weather (which was pure sunshine, strangely enough, for the past three days), the questions I received, the thoughts I experienced, the gorgeous eyes, smiles, the curiosity I saw, the feelings appearing and fading away, the intensity, the fear, the joy I witnessed, the dear faces of every single person I encountered in the past three days (and EVER).
Every person showing up for me. They are me. I can relate to everything they shared. And a deep profound care for them, and all things.
Now, I know I’ve talked about the Meanie Voice in our heads many times. It’s violent, destructive, and has no issue with rattling of criticism non-stop of other people, life, the world, and YOU.
In the Eating Peace Process recently, and in three separate solo sessions with people in the past couple of weeks, I heard different versions of that voice dishing out it’s ongoing complaints about food, eating, the body.
I used to have these kinds of thoughts constantly.
you’re a loser
you’ll never get over this eating this
you’re so selfish, you can’t stop being greedy for one day
you always go unconscious when it comes to food
you never stay present and wise
you’re so unenlightened, you’re not even spiritual at all
what a mess
you should give up
Yikes.
Sometimes, that voice is so discouraging and mean, it says you don’t deserve to live. I thought it. I remember.
So this is an extremely powerful place to bring The Work into your mind.
Not once. Not twice. Daily. Regularly.
Long ago, a stranger gave me a note after I shared in a 12 step meeting. It said my negative thinking about myself was a form of Negative Grandiosity.
It made me practically gasp when I read the note. Grandiose? Me?
But. I try so hard. I’m a failure. I’m doing it wrong. I’m the worse person in the world.
Ah ha!
That’s a pretty grandiose thing to say. If you look up grandiose, it means impressively large, massive, over-the-top, containing more detail than necessary, huge, pompous.
It’s true, when it comes to that negative spew of self-hatred the inner violent voice can deliver. It’s so serious. The humor is non-existent. There’s a huge checklist of details for the crimes you’ve committed with food, or even thinking about food.
This is a good place for inquiry. Let’s do The Work.
Is it true that when it comes to food and eating you’re a loser, selfish, unenlightened, mess, hopeless?
Uh, yeah. Did you see the way I ate (remembering me at age 25 in the middle of a full-fledged raving binge)?
Can you absolutely know this is 100% the truth, this list? Really?
Deep breath. No.
Even if you say “yes”, you can keep going to the next question in The Work.
But I personally can’t really can’t find even as I consider my former gobbling self that I was pure loser and this was the Truth.
I lived through it. The mean voice didn’t “win” or dominate forever. I had gaps of peace. I slept at night. I achieved some other things, despite eating. I read books. I sought help. I studied. I had some friends. I wrote short stories and poetry. I had jobs.
Who would you be without your story of self-hatred?
Who would you be without the belief YOU are ALL THOSE terrible things? Loser, eater, binger, addict, messed up, screwed up, failure, unconscious, unloveable.
What if you couldn’t prove it? What if you didn’t think it? What if you just got here from another planet and had no reference for what a human is supposed to be doing with food? What if what you are isn’t all that? What if the way it’s been going with eating is for some simple, or important, reason….and it doesn’t mean you’re basically made out of garbage?
Who would you be without thinking the crushing mean one is right?
Ahhhhhh.
Curious.
Wondering what’s going on, then?
I notice I’d be gentle with myself. Kind. I’d rock myself like a baby and say “there, there, sweetheart” and feel the anxiety, or fear, or sadness, or anger present. I’d know all is going to be OK in the end, without the belief I’m a loser.
I wouldn’t feel like the Worst Person in the World.
Turning the thoughts around: My thinking is losing, not getting over this, selfish, greedy, unconscious, unable to be wise and present, unenlightened, not spiritual, messy, and should give up.
Woah. True. Especially when it comes to eating, me, food, my body, and the moment I’ve got such a judgmental voice running through me, that attacks me with such aggression.
My thinking appears to believe in violence as a motivator. It appears to offer war, not peace.
Turning around the thoughts again: I am NOT a loser, I’m a winner, getting over this, selfless, not greedy enough, conscious, able to be wise and present, enlightened, spiritual, clear, and still here (not giving up).
Yes. I’m dedicated to the truth. I’m willing to look at my thoughts and question them. I’m determined to get this squared away and put it to rest in my life, whatever it takes.
I’m a winner in the sense that the whole of who I am–a peaceful loving person–is the strongest part of me, not the binge-eater. I’m conscious, and willing to see that this mean voice is a bully, and not a mature human being.
I’m conscious because I’m able to see what I did was off-balance, with food. I have the power–I wasn’t born missing something. I had my eyes open while I was eating. I was there the whole time. I can bring out the part of me that believes in peace instead of violence, and hold steady with that like a great tree. I can stick up for myself, and take care of my own needs.
All I know is….that voice really never succeeded in motivating me to either A) stop eating, lose weight permanently, find peace with food, or B) take myself completely out through suicide or insanity.
It’s only a voice–an energy pattern, a habit.
Would you believe someone else who spoke like that to you?
Lake Washington only one block away from Goldilocks Cottage. For retreats, we’ll stop by for our Morning Walk in The Work.
We’re calling this upcoming weekend the SURPRISE RETREAT weekend. It’s a fairly last-minute location and venue change from Oregon to Seattle. It’s December. It’s in 3 days. It’s so close to Christmas and New Year’s Eve.
SURPRISE!
As someone just said to me “it’s dirt cheap”. I had to hesitate a moment to wonder if that was a compliment or not. It’s true a two hour session with me is $175, and this is about twenty hours.
With a maximum of ten people, everyone will have time to do their own work on a relationship or issue they’ve been wanting to resolve and change (or two, or three). You’ll have training, attention, and the continuous care of being held in this supportive environment where you can share your most distressing thoughts without shame or fear. I’m with you every step of the way.
The thinking behind the low fee was because the location changed last minute from a deep winter woods resort with hot springs, massages and all meals provided….
….to you getting yourself to northeast Seattle, finding your own place to stay, and acquiring your own meals (there are many beautiful airbnb’s in the neighborhood, and restaurants a block away, by the way).
Plus. Let’s be honest.
People don’t exactly flock to the Pacific Northwest at this darkest and wettest time of the year. Even the airplane tickets are super cheap. (Check with Alaska, by the way, or your favorite airline–you might be surprised–keeping the theme of surprise).
The coffee houses are full of steaming gortex jackets, the time between dawn and dusk is very short, and it appears to be either misting, pattering or downpouring from morning until evening, and often all night as well.
All these reasons actually create a brilliant atmosphere for a SURPRISE retreat.
Because outside it may be rainy and dark, but what are the surprises we get most concerned about?
Surprises that don’t bring us such good news (we think).
Some people don’t even like positive surprises. (Remind me to tell you about two different surprise parties given for me that were a little, shall we say, too surprising).
SURPRISE!
When my parents said “we’re moving”
When my mom switched off Cinderella the first time I ever got to watch TV when I was seven
When my high school boyfriend said he preferred to date someone else and take HER to the prom instead
When my mom told me my dad had leukemia
When my sister said I was a bi&%h!
When my boss said “I need to speak with you about your timesheet”
When my former husband said he didn’t want to be married anymore
When my daughter said she wanted to change schools
When my other sister never replied to any of my messages, cards or emails
When one of my oldest close friends died
When one of my best friends betrayed me
These situations were so scary. Some of them were life-changing and terrifying.
I didn’t like these surprises. To put it mildly.
And yet, now that I have The Work I have a remarkable tool to really examine each and every disturbing moment.
I know how to handle or work with these kinds of alarming thoughts that scream when I hear surprising news that appears to be not so good.
Which is exactly what we’ll be doing at our retreat. We’ll be inside with mugs of hot tea, pen and paper, sharing in the cozy atmosphere of freedom available to anyone willing to question the thoughts that produce suffering.
Sometimes, people who attend retreat get to write their first full worksheet on a stressful situation in their lives. They’ve been doing The Work perhaps for a long time, but it’s all been in their cars while driving, or on little pieces of paper, or while in conversation with a trusted friend.
They haven’t written out a full worksheet, mindfully–really getting every single thought out about that relationship or situation on paper.
You get to really go for it on retreat, when you give yourself the time.
You get to dump, unedited, unabashedly, without shame or guilt (even if you DO feel guilty, you get to write what you think). You get to be childish, petty, freaked out, furious. You don’t have to do it well. You get to be imperfect and against the grain. You get to really express your pain, on paper.
This first step of writing down your thinking can be the most exquisite relief. No fixing, no hiding, no softening, no re-wording it to sound better, no adjusting the language to be better heard. No worrying about if anyone will be surprised.
No….you get to completely go wild on paper.
Which is not as easy as it sounds.
When I first started doing The Work, I wanted to burn my worksheets, hide them, shred them and I would say to my facilitator “I’m sorry this is so horribly judgmental” or something like that. I was worried what the person asking me the questions would think of such a loser.
I went for it anyway.
You can too.
All it takes is the willingness to answer four questions, with an open mind.
My favorite part of all?
The surprise that continues through questioning each thought with The Work, wondering about the story we’re telling, imagining what it would be like without believing in something hurtful, turning the thoughts around. You find your own clarity, without being told what to think, do, say, feel. No suggestions or advice, no right way to do it or wrong way to do it.
All you need to do is answer the questions. And yes, it is incredibly powerful to get support in how, to listen to other peoples’ answers, to ponder your stressful thought longer than you normally do–all benefits of attending a retreat and giving yourself this meditation.
What do we find out, 100% of the time?
A sense of peace, neutrality, lightness, curiosity, space, breathing room. An interest in continuing the exploration no matter how long it takes. An awareness we might have been missing, often for years.
SURPRISE!
You had the answers all along.
“Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let’s not be afraid to receive each day’s surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy.” ~ Henri Nouwen
Much love,
Grace
P.S. My husband Jon will be joining us for Saturday and Sunday. He and I have done The Work together and with and ON each other for 8 years. We made this facebook video on doing The Work on whose movie pick is better for a night out–his or mine. LOL!
These upcoming 3 days our focus will be on relationships.
Oh my, there are a few stressful thoughts about relationships with others, are there not?
she doesn’t care about me (sister)
he doesn’t like me (neighbor)
she refuses to talk to me (mother)
they hate me (people of another culture or political party or football team)
he never gives me any credit (boss)
she doesn’t promote me (manager)
he’s too sensitive (former boyfriend)
she’s a liar (former friend)
he talks too much (co-worker)
she never does anything around the house (child)
And this is barely a scratch on the surface of the thoughts we have about difficult, disappointing or infuriating relationships.
The other day, an inquirer worked with me during a skype session on his fear of speaking up to his cousin during a recent family gathering.
The cousin in question had started talking about who he voted for, with gusto. He made some wise cracks at the feast table about those “other people” who voted NOT his way.
The guy inquiring had said nothing.
“What were your thoughts that prevented you from speaking up in a thoughtful way?” I asked.
He replied that he didn’t think he would be ABLE to speak up in a thoughtful way. It was either going to be anger, or fume to himself in silence.
Why?
Because the cousin speaking would have been super hurt and upset, if this inquirer had said anything.
Concept: that person will be hurt if I tell the truth.
I love this inquiry. It’s shown up…oh…about fifteen thousand times in my life.
I can’t say anything, because that other person will be crushed! They’ll run out of the room! They’ll never speak to me again! They’ll cry! They’ll turn red! It will be my fault! They’ll break up with me!
Under these conditions in the mind, believing what we’re thinking….who wouldn’t be silent, rather than speak up?
Smart choice.
Unless…you have The Work.
Let’s question this very stressful circumstance and belief.
Can you find a situation where someone is telling, saying, doing, gesturing, being a certain way…and you’d like to make a request, even a kind request, that they stop, or say you don’t like it, or tell them you disagree, or say no?
Picture that situation.
What’s the worst that could happen, if you speak up?
I did a piece of work on this once, where I genuinely had the vision that if the other person really knew what I thought and I shared it….they’d start drinking again (or kill themselves).
Yikes. I had such a strong sense of them feeling horrible about themselves already. I needed to walk on eggshells lest they do away with themselves for good and lose all their sobriety, because they made some kind of mistake. I needed to help boost their spirits. I needed to keep them positive. Or I needed to get away so I didn’t disturb them.
Oh such stressful and hard work being in someone else’s business like that.
So let’s do The Work.
Is it true that person will be hurt if you tell the truth?
Yes! They already have a heart attack if anyone looks at them funny.
Are you absolutely sure? Can you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is true if you tell the truth, they’ll be terribly hurt?
No.
If you said “yes” you could imagine the worst case scenario, like them committing suicide (my vision of an old boyfriend long ago). They would do it because you spoke the truth….are you sure that’s true?
No. I really can’t know it’s because I spoke up that they freaked out.
There were many factors involved. There was a ton of history. There were parts of his life I had nothing to do with–he had his own path. I was not the end-all be-all for that boyfriend. It would have been weird if I was.
How do you react when you believe that if you tell the truth, they’ll be hurt?
I imagine them screeching away in their car in anger, or fear. I say “good riddance!” and then feel terrified with “Oh No!” I want to race after them. I want to run in the opposite direction. Everything conflicted.
I want them to show me they’re OK, or they like me, to smile at me, to give me assurance. If I say a little bit of the thing I’m upset about, I want them to look like they’re open to hearing more, and not disturbed and yet taking it seriously. It’s all so tense, with so much at stake. It’s as if we’re in a peak negotiation moment with some kind of crazed dictator who could blow up the world any moment.
It’s really a bit much.
A ginormous amount of energy focused on one human being as if they have the power to ruin my life by how they react. I’m ruining my own already by how I do.
So who would you be without this very stressful story “they’ll get hurt if I speak the truth”?
I’d share openly, without fear. I’d feel connected and aware that this person is indeed very sensitive–so it’s not like I’m in denial–and I love them and want all the best for them. Which doesn’t mean tip-toeing around them like they’re made out of gossamer web.
Without my story, I don’t have to have them be happy in order for me to be happy. They can be very, very unhappy and even furious, and I notice I feel compassion and understanding.
I might notice I’m shivering a little with nervousness as I say what I think. It’s not like all of the sudden this is the easiest thing in the world….
….but I try it out. I stumble imperfectly and say “no, I don’t want to get together” after we broke up. I notice I don’t have a fantasy anymore about what it could be like, or might be like, or wish it was like.
He had his personal path, and I learned so much from being on it with him for awhile. Then it became unnecessary to share the road. Even required.
Without the belief that speaking up means hurt will happen, I stop thinking I know how they will respond. I’m willing to not anticipate, or defend, or brace myself. I feel rooted, entering the unknown. Not running away or fighting something or wringing my hands.
“I turned out to be those people in the world that I didn’t want to be. I was the last to know. It cannot be another human being who hurts you. It HAS to be you who hurts you. There’s no exception to that. If I think I’m hurt because of someone else, I’m insane.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning it around: I will be hurt if THEY tell the truth. I will be hurt if I tell the truth. They won’t be hurt if I tell the truth.
Could these be true, or truer?
Woah.
I WILL be hurt if they tell the truth. Or at least, that’s what I’ve thought so far. I’m not sure if it’s really true, now. I’ve had many moments where someone’s said or written something, and they’ve been upset, but it’s been totally and completely fine with me. I know it isn’t personal.
I’ve been hurt because I’ve told the truth. I’ve said to myself I’m a mean, nasty, judgmental person just for thinking I didn’t agree with them. I’ve condemned myself for not being “nice”. I’ve silenced myself by imagining I can’t handle it if they have a big reaction to my queries or my sharing my own thoughts that aren’t the same as theirs.
I’ve also been amazed at how kind and accepting people are when I’ve spoken up. They stick it out rather than resent me forever, or cut me off. The people who need to, stay present. I don’t need everyone in the world to think I’m great when I say “no” to them or respond in a way that makes them upset…that would be…weird.
People need to come and go as they wish. Life shows me who is supposed to be present in my life, and who isn’t. I’m not in charge.
What a relief.
If you’re not so sure about some relationship in your life, or if you think that person should do it different, or if you feel disappointment, or worry….
….that’s what the upcoming inquiry starting this Friday is all about.
What a delicious thing inquiry is. Can you imagine discovering the freedom that no one can really hurt you? No matter how they behave, what they say, what they do, how they think?
