So my email program appeared AGAIN to be Not Working.
As in, it looked like I communicated with someone, I sent them a response or reply, even got back to them quickly….
….and record of my sending in the SENT files of my email program.
But people were writing back.
Did you get my email? Do you have an answer? Are you able to tell me? Did you send me your link to make payments because I didn’t receive it? Are we on for that date or not? Can I get credit for Year of Inquiry? And finally ‘MOM…did you sign me up for that dance class yet?!’
Working speedy quick….it doesn’t exactly feel smooth to think “no one has received any of my emails for the past ten days”.
Rats. This sucks.
I don’t know who did, who didn’t. Something’s gone wrong. Or will, very soon, because someone else who hasn’t even written yet is waiting for my reply, and I think I’ve already sent one.
Nooooooooooooo.
Computer tech difficulty! Customer service lines where I can’t hear the person due to static or heavy accent! This is terrible! A hassle! On the phone for 2 hours with three different people at Apple and at Hostgator!
I don’t have time for this!
People get this kind of annoyed with traffic, doors squeaking in need of WD40, crane flies brushing their cheek waking them up unexpectedly on a summer night, the baby crying too much, a typo, a spilled cup of coffee, a fly buzzing over and over in the room.
Not matters of life and death. You KNOW it.
And yet, you lose your inner calm because it’s happening.
My perfect version of the world doesn’t look like this! What gives?
(Shake fist at sky. Snap at the dog. Slam the door just a wee bit hard).
I love looking at these quick drive-by moments of stress with The Work. Slow it down. Open to discover something new.
I start with the question: why do I need my emails to get to everyone, anyway? What’s the big deal if they don’t?
This is not an exercise in brushing off what bugs you. This is blowing it up under a microscope so you can see better what the threat actually is for you. And question it.
Why would I want my emails to be received?
Easy. It means people are waiting for me out there. People aren’t signing up for programs or sessions they’re considering. If they don’t get their questions answered, they drop it. If they drop it, I have no clients or participants. If I have no clients or participants, I have no income. If I have no income, I lose my house, my stability, I can’t take care of my kids. If I can’t do any of that….I’m a loser.
Oh, and I’ve disappointed people, so they think so too.
Waaah.
How do I react when I think TIME is precious, people shouldn’t be disappointed, and my communication is crucial for getting paid?
Yikes. Pretty upset when communication gets threatened.
So who would I be without this story that the email thingie has to work, in order for me to be happy, supported, stable financially, and stress-free?
LOL.
Noticing how funny the mind is, taking stuff so dang seriously. Laughing with delight about being a silly human.
Turning the thoughts around:
Losing customers is of benefit, it’s good, it’s interesting. Losing money has advantages. It shows me what’s here, without money being required. I’m safe, I’m supported.
Time is not so precious as I dream up. The present moment, and peace no matter what’s happening, is the most fun precious thing of all. People can be as disappointed and losing interest as they want–I get more time to myself, and less busy-ness. It is not required to have any money. More money is not better. Less money is not worse. Computers working do not dictate my success, or failure. They do not mean the end of my business, I notice.
Losing my inner core sense of ‘here’ is dangerous. Losing my plans for the day, for the timing of things, is lovely. Noticing how I am never ‘right’ when I think something’s a disaster, or a hassle.
So many examples of All Is Well.
How do I know I was supposed to have some kind of computer gremlin weird email sending problem?
I did.
And how do I know it’s supposed to be over?
It is.
“Outside, the freezing desert night.
This other night inside grows warm, kindling.
Let the landscape be covered with thorny crust.
We have a soft garden in here.
The continents blasted, cities and little towns, everything become a scorched, blackened ball.
The news we hear is full of grief for that future,
Did someone say there was a Comfort Zone somewhere? I don’t see it.
Opening Day to Summer Camp for The Mind is a unique online mini-retreat for three hours from 5:00 – 8:00 pm Pacific Time and it costs nothing. Anyone and everyone are welcome. Tell your friends and family if they’re interested in doing The Work of Byron Katie.
If you want to come to the online Opening Day mini-retreat, head to the Summer Camp page and scroll down. You can’t miss it–the link is already right there. Click it at 5 pm on July 5th and join. No registration required.
You can listen-only, or participate live (audio only) via your computer or your phone.
Now here’s something kind of funny….the very same day, in the morning, it just happens to be First Tuesday of The Month Meetup Call, for 75 minutes. This monthly call is also open to everyone and anyone who wants to question their stressful thinking.
So you could start your day with inquiry, and end your day with more inquiry. And see what happens in between!
Life’s a sandwich!
And it’s a pretty good sandwich if the bread is The Work.
If you’ve been wanting a Walk-Through of The Work of Byron Katie from start to finish, and you don’t want to leave your home to do it, either one of these would be great. I recommend using headphones, but you can do speaker phone, too.
We’ll start at the very, very, very beginning at the first step of The Work—locating and clearly identifying a stressful experience, interaction, conversation or situation in your life.
Then, we’ll apply the four questions. You can listen, or raise your hand and participate.
If you love it and want to continue in inquiry until August 19th you can sign up after the mini-retreat Opening Day of Summer Camp For The Mind July 5th. You’ll sign up by donating what works for you.
Yep, I really mean it. No set fee.
Why do I do it this way?
Well, I remember myself and the way I thought about trying new or public or group things, or new venues for things I already did regularly.
It wasn’t so easy to actually take the plunge and try it.
As in, I had to build up a lot of nerve, energy, interest and motivation to go for it.
(I’m still like this sometimes–I’ve been thinking about going to a regular yoga class for almost two years).
It’s funny to like trying new things, and also NOT LIKE IT ONE BIT.
Can’t we just stick with the usual? Not any big major changes?
Can’t I makes changes slllllooooowwwwwwlllllyyyyy? So there’s no surprises?
There’s this term called Comfort Zone.
I know you’ve heard it.
Yada yada, so boring if I hear that term One More Time about comfort zone and getting out of it I’m going to stab my hand with a pencil.
Heh heh. Not that I get THAT excited about coaching terminology.
But for me….my whole LIFE was out of the Comfort Zone.
Where is the comfort zone, I thought? I’m looking for it on a daily basis!
Is it over there? No. Is it over here? No.
Comfort Zone Comfort Zone, where are you hiding? (Picture a dog owner looking for the dog in the neighborhood, and the dog’s name is Comfort Zone. That’s what it was like on the inside, yelling and wandering the streets).
No wonder I didn’t want to try anything new! It seemed there was no such thing as a comfort zone in my area, and let’s get clear….new stuff DEFINITELY wasn’t it, so new stuff was OUT.
For me, the reason I usually tried something new was because I was so incredibly uncomfortable with what I currently was living, I couldn’t take the pain anymore, the suffering.
The Work is a way to dig into this state of mind. LACK of Comfort Zone.
So welcome to anyone who is unhappy, feels screwed up, feels miserable with work, relationships, parents, family, circumstances, money, body, eating, addiction, anger, criticism, sadness, annoyance, disappointment.
When I began to do The Work, that’s where I started. No Comfort Zone in sight. It’s why I went to The School for The Work.
And I found….with practice….
….maybe the Comfort Zone was here all along, I just couldn’t see it because I was wearing some really, really dark glasses.
“You can take the four questions and find yourself. The questions are the path back to your self. They don’t care what the story is. They just wait for you to answer them.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy
It’s OK if you don’t find anything with The Work. It’s almost better if you have zero expectations. Let life unfold the way it does, without you managing it or trying to stay safer or trying to get somewhere different (like the aforementioned CZ, I’ll try not to think about it).
I don’t always feel comfortable. In fact, sometimes I’m quite uncomfortable.
But thank goodness for the quiet solitude, the slowing down, the stillness, the simplicity….of The Work.
If you’d like a daily meditation for seven weeks during the summer (or a free mini-retreat on Tuesday July 5th from 5-8 pm in the evening Pacific Time) then head over to this page and scroll down a wee bit to find the link to the Opening Day of Summer CampOnline Mini Retreat. Anyone can join, no registration or opt-in required.
This morning I got up to early morning summer sun at my little Seattle cottage (back from Breitenbush) and felt the joyful excitement of many upcoming events in inquiry. I watered the tomatoes and the corn I’m growing and looked at the gorgeous bright sky, breathing deeply.
Then I came inside and I opened my laptop and started downloading all the emails I missed and messages and communications while off in the woods teaching retreat.
Someone wrote to me about Summer Camp for The Mind. It doesn’t seem like the time written for Mondays on your website is correct. What are the call-in hours exactly?
Another person wrote to me about a broken link for the Being With Byron Katie event. Can I register for your Seattle event plus reserve a bedroom? But what if my friend and I just go home every night, can we do it that way, too? Do we seriously have to stay silent the whole time?
Someone else facebooked about the Opening Day for Summer Camp for The Mind on July 5th–isn’t it supposed to be free? It doesn’t say so on your website, I wanted to try it first and then sign up for all of Summer Camp if I liked it.
Another person emailed saying she never got my reply (I’ve had email-sending cooties off and on for months) about coming for her personal 3 hour mini retreat mid-July.
I then got awesome news about my Year of Inquiry program starting in September and how it may be approved for many credits with the Institute for The Work if I make a few changes.
Fifteen hours later.
Hey! Don’t look at me like I’m a Workaholic! I’ve got a business to run here! (Say it in a New York accent slightly shouting).
I wasn’t working EVERY minute on the computer. Jeez.
I went to the grocery store and buy yummy blueberries and strawberries and yogurt and bananas and cheese and nectarines and other delicious summery things! That took 30 minutes!
I also went to the gym. Oh. Er.
I’m a little embarrassed to say, I took my computer with me and kept working while there. Yes, of course it’s possible to do that!
What?!! Did you just roll your eyes?
And I also taught the last session of the lovely current Eating Peace Core Teleclass (another session starting September 8th by the way, stay tuned). So I was actually with live people in inquiry, connected and NOT fixing tech stuff, replying to people, creating facebook events or updating website pages.
Don’t look at me like that.
This is all very, very, very important.
Sigh.
Who would I be without the belief I need to do it all, like….NOW? That I should respond to every single person who’s had questions for me? That I must stay on task and who cares if it’s a sunny day in Seattle and the thought whispered by of swimming in the sweet-tasting lake nearby?
I’d stop.
I’d finish this Grace Note, open my calendar and write in it for tomorrow “swimming break” between morning clients and evening clients.
I’d notice how much fun I actually had today, figuring a bunch of stuff out very efficiently.
I’d also notice balance is nice. Balance is gentle.
Who would I be without the belief that anything is required?
Simply chuggin’ along, hearing silence underneath All This, taking a very deep breath, very happy and satisfied and excited with all that was accomplished today. Hearing the quiet darkness of a summer night float down.
Now, noticing an incoming text from my son. Stopping. Time to call him.
Slowing down, slowing down.
Remembering with astonishment how nothing is required.
And so much can happen, anyway.
Time to stop. I almost forgot. Plus even when I didn’t stop, night came.
“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #30
Feeling peaceful….no need for any do-overs, appreciating the way it went the first time (reality)
On Saturday night, the last night together at the annual Breitenbush retreat, we dance.
People have been deeply examining their thinking since Wednesday….
….walking through the memories, experiences, or relationships with others they’ve found hopeless, depressing, frightening or sad.
It’s courageous work.
I’m sometimes amazed, literally astonished, that people show up to investigate something painful they’d rather not look at. The death of a husband, the heroin addiction of a son, a painful divorce, needing to lay off people at the company, having insomnia for years, a mother’s death very early in life.
All these situations came to these woods at Breitenbush.
And The Work, the Four Questions plus Turnarounds, was all that was needed to open people to other alternatives and possibilities, to feeling love and self-compassion.
Not just love for the self, but love and acceptance for others. Even the ones who hurt us.
What many beliefs boil down to, suggests Byron Katie in Loving What is, is the deep conviction that I shouldn’t have had to experience something, and it shouldn’t have happened.
“I want an alternative life, where I don’t have to experience THAT (insert rough experience)”.
You might think….
….BUT….
….I really DO think my life would be better, and I’d be a better person, if I didn’t have to go through “x”. That experience made things worse than they could have been. It was a waste of time!
I’d be further along by now, if it hadn’t have happened. More confident. More of service. Calmer.
I wouldn’t have had to spend all those years in therapy. I could have just lived a more “normal” life. I might have a better condition NOW, if I hadn’t experienced that other thing THEN.
I want a do-over!!
(Remember yelling this when you were a kid playing a card game, or trying to shoot baskets, or trying to hit the bullseye, or making a batch of cookies and forgetting the baking soda?)
But can you absolutely know this is true, you want a do-over of some part of your life?
For me, I’ve thought often that much of my life from age 18 through 30 I could do without.
Visions come to mind of dropping out of college because I was too sick with addiction, bulimia, borderline anorexia, compulsive over-exercising, too anxiety-riddled, smoking cigarettes, occasionally over-drinking, isolated, and disassociated. Mind full of violent thoughts like “you’re such an idiot” or “what a fool you are” or “there’s something wrong with you” that covered up the ability to look more closely at my beliefs about what I feared. I lost my dad in that time period, too.
Is it true I want a do-over of that decade beginning with going to college?
Whew. It sure does seem like it would be better if I hadn’t dropped out of an awesome school, returned home to my parents, spent thousands of their dollars on therapy, struggled becoming a grown up, or lived with a tortured mind.
Can I absolutely know it’s true though?
No.
As one woman at the Breitenbush retreat discovered, unexpectedly, about her difficult past with her father….
….without her experience with her dad, she might still be living in the suburbs where she grew up, living an uncreative, boring, unimaginative, dissatisfying life. Instead, she moved across the entire country, married someone with opposite traits to dad, and raised two amazing kids.
I felt the same for my experience, and I felt the urge once again, to give a little bow to reality.
Without those ten years in my life that shaped my future in a completely different way than planned….
….I wouldn’t be at this retreat at Breitenbush, facilitating.
It was like my life, back then, showed the need to push the PAUSE button on my future direction.
More like CONTROL-ALT-DELETE, come to think of it.
That other imaginary version of the story, the one where I graduate from college with certainty and drive, and honors of course….and leave for Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar following in my dad’s footsteps…..plus write a screen play and land a leading role on stage somewhere….and invent something high-tech on the side that accidentally makes millions of dollars….
….THAT version of the story is, well, heh heh, fictional.
But that version would never have offered a collapse of the Know-It-All mind, that led to a sense of destruction, that led to a sense of devastation, that led to a sense of rebirth, that led to a sense of infinity and detachment, that led to a sense of peace beyond all stories and outcomes and plans and successes in this world, that led to a sense of unconditional love.
inside the beautiful misty land of Oregon, the beautiful misty land of the inner world….& seeing clearly
Here I am deep in the tall woods, rain pitter-patting on leaves. The morning is very still. I’m at Breitenbush Hotsprings. A low bell in the distance sounds, signaling a half hour until breakfast is served in the lodge.
I hear my husband breathing deeply as he still sleeps.
The cabins here are incredibly cozy, heated by the mineral hotsprings with big pretty old-fashioned looking radiators. A small soft lamp sits on a little wooden desk, sending a quiet yellow light into the cabin. Once again I think of Laura Ingalls Wilder, only there’s plumbing.
My annual Breitenbush retreat began Wednesday night.
When a circle of people gather to learn and do The Work together, a part of me feels strangely unable to convey with words the freedom possible through questioning your suffering.
It’s hard to describe what it means to catch yourself thinking something painful, to believe you’re doomed, to feel terrified or nervous…..
….and to suddenly remember in the middle of the flow of reacting…..
…. is what I’m thinking actually true? Who would I be without this belief?
Before I knew how to inquire and investigate into the nature of “thinking”, my immediate interpretation of things that felt scary or hard, was that it was TRUE that they were scary or hard.
It went like this:
Something happened. It’s bad news. I ran. I fought. I cried. I felt hurt. I felt stress.
I then walked around a little shell-shocked or upset the thing might happen again. I consider life to be a bit dangerous (or very dangerous). I made plans to fix the bad thing, incident, or relationship (or myself, endlessly).
Now, there’s nothing really wrong with this. It’s normal.
It’s sort of brilliant we have these brains set up to be aware of danger, and move away from it. Kind of like the hot stove analogy we’ve always heard growing up “Don’t put your hand on a hot stove-you’ll get burned!”
Got it. No hands on stoves. Check.
But what if your mom or dad or caregiver shouted at you that you’d get burned….every time you walked past the stove?
What if they screamed “Watch out! Remember the stove?! You have NO IDEA if it’s ON or OFF, you could get burned!! BE CAREFUL!! OMG!!!”
You might have an extra big ALERT in yourself about stoves. You’d always feel a little nervous in kitchens.
It’s like the awareness of what works and what doesn’t (stoves burn) would have a sort of instant anxiety-producing result, rather than being filed in the mind as simple data, which the mind is so brilliant at doing.
If it even looks like a stove, you’d feel cautious. If you heard the word “stove” you might have a flash of adrenaline inside. You may decide not to cook.
What I love about The Work is, you get to take what’s already happened inside of YOU, your own basic day-to-day life experiences in the real world, and explore how a disturbance in the past (an event, a word, a conversation, an incident) might still be affecting you in a limiting way.
In a way you don’t feel free.
I wanted to feel free to come and go in life, and have stoves be in the room, without running away, or getting all defensive, or worrying about getting burned.
Now, I get to sit with all these dear people in our retreat and already witness them tasting this freedom.
I don’t really have to explain anything.
When they answer the four questions, and find turnarounds….
….the sweetness of them finding new ways to be with “problem” people, the awareness they are not victims but can feel empowered in any situation, the tears and the relief I see….
….it’s sooooo inspiring.
I love doing this work.
How did this happen, that I get to be a part of a retreat such as this?
So inspirational, so profound, so full of a sense of the greatness of humanity and the awe of how people can transform simply by seeing something or someone disturbing….differently?
Empty your mind of all thoughts. Let your heart be at peace. Watch the turmoil of beings, but contemplate their return. Each separate being in the universe returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity. ~ Tao Te Ching #16
Thank you so much for being here on this journey with me, whether we’ve met in person or connected on emails or shared through the phone or audio….I love that you’re here.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. One bedroom left at Being With Byron Katie and space for you on a sleeping mat on the floor or commuting each day (which is what I’ll be doing).
Most of us who eat or do compulsive things for emotional reasons are trying very hard to adapt to difficult situations.
Maybe there’s a particular experience you feel really, really vulnerable about.
Like….please, I don’t ever want this to happen.
For me, one of my vulnerable spots was that I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t someone to feel complete lack of forgiveness towards me. I don’t want to have no recourse, or be unable to make it up to them, if I do something “wrong”.
Very, very stressful.
It went back a long, long way into my history.
It felt like a core, gut feeling I had for my entire life.
If you give yourself the attention, the care, the compassion to look at your own places of vulnerability….
….maybe even the “special” two or three you repeat over and over….
….you may find something amazing happen.
You stop craving food. You stop feeling so compulsive.
Ask this one question when you feel like overeating, or doing something to soothe yourself emotionally that isn’t really that good for you (drinking, smoking, hooking up, spending).
I’m off to the wild, lush and incredibly nurturing Breitenbush Hotsprings for our sold-out retreat doing The Work of Byron Katie for 4 days.
Breitenbush is deep in the Cascade Mountain Range. Snowed in during winter. Old huge trees and stunning air. Tucked away. A true magical retreat center.
who would you be without the internet?
But it’s kind of weird having no internet connection, or cell phone service. Nada. Zip. Zero. Even if you hike waaaaaay up to Devil’s Peak during lunch break and take your cell phone with you, just in case there’s a signal up there.
Not that I’ve ever thought of that or anything.
OK! OK! I know you love No Internet and that all the cool detached people can give it up in 2 seconds.
It IS kinda weird feeling so sure I might miss something.
How did that happen? I used to have no phone and no internet. Like, for several decades of my life. Perfectly happy. No concern.
I don’t think I ever said, like some people did….”I wish I could call so-n-so right now on a special sci-fi device” and have a dream vision of a future when this might happen.
Yet now….there’s a weird sense of concern about how long to go before getting in a car to drive to cell service to check emails.
I admit it.
I have a program to run, though! Stop calling me an internet addict! People are signing up for Summer Camp for The Mind on July 5th and Being With Byron Katie on July 9th. I can’t miss their requests and registrations!
This is IMPORTANT.
And who would I be without the belief I have to check my emails?
Now….really.
It’s not that bad.
We don’t need to do The Work on THAT, it’s not really that stressful.
But.
Visions of myself at last December’s silent retreat with Adyashanti. I snuck my phone out of my room, walked off campus far away from where someone might see me, and turned it on, holding it in my pocket.
I pressed the circle-spinning button to update emails. I could hardly wait for them to load.
Then the quick thumb movement of scrolling. Delete. Delete. Delete. Ooooh, this is an important one. Oh gosh. Must call that person back. OK, just one call.
I look around. Look left. Look right. Scan for people who might see me. I imagine the teacher or other leaders walking by. What if someone comes down this same trail?
Later in the meditation hall, someone jokes that there are probably some people here, always are, who can’t even stand to go without checking their emails, they’re so uncomfortable with silence.
Drat.
What IS going on, with this strange compulsive concern to stay connected, to check emails, to catch up, to delete, to not let the Inbox get too long, to stay on top of it?
I have friends who are very critical of internet contact. They don’t go on Facebook. They put their phones away when out. They make fun of people holding their mugs in one hand, phone in the other.
I’m sometimes one of those people.
Who would I really be without the thought I need to check emails, or have an internet connection, in those times I think I need to (there are plenty of times I don’t, FYI, just in case you think I have a problem–heh heh)?
Sitting in the empty space of *here*.
I don’t always like it.
And yet only if I struggle, or fight, or argue with the silence.
As I relax with silence, I always notice I’m almost afraid of it at first, in these kinds of moments when I haven’t wanted to sink into it. Like there’s a tightening before the full rest. Grabbing on to something solid.
Like some part of me still wants to yell….NO! Not Wild Mysterious Nothingness! NO! Not Empty Brilliant Stillness!
(Have you ever seen the Monty Python skit where a comfy chair is the punishment against a crime? NO! Not the Comfy Chair! NO! NO!)
Who or what would you be without the belief the empty, silent, mysterious, brilliant, wild nothingness is…..DANGEROUS?
Turning it all around:
I don’t need to check emails. I don’t need to find out what’s happening on the internet. I need to check my thinking. I need to check my own connection to the world wide web through this life force that needs no internet (not that there’s anything wrong with internet). I need to connect with myself. I need to connect with absolute silence. I need to relax. I need to connect with Reality, with my thoughts, with what is NOT thinking.
Ahhhhh.
“Compassion is but another word for the refusal to suffer for imaginary reasons.” ~ Nisargadatta Mahara
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Because someone is switching their place AND their friend’s accommodations, all three bedrooms are available during Being With Byron Katie silent retreat ($50 per night). Can’t wait to be with you all.
Are you trying too hard to be an Angel, so the mean person will start being nice to you? The truth may be harder to tell….. ….but actually, it makes everything easier.
The other day, someone signed up for Summer Camp and said “I can’t wait to work on how to deal with a really nasty person in my life. Every time I’m with this person, she attacks me.”
Perfect.
The festering and the disturbance is present. Maybe it’s been there for years, or maybe you notice it only in that one troubling person in your life, even if you don’t see them much.
Someone is mean, cruel, shouting, a leech, a stalker.
They show up….again. And again.
The new Summer Camper said she had a co-worker who she only saw once a month who seemed to hate her. She always tried to be kind, nice, to diffuse the intensity directed at her. Yet she felt exhausted after their meetings. And anxious, of course, before any meeting ever happened.
It’s a jolting dilemma when you feel dismissed or rejected or blatantly attacked by someone out there, and you’re surprised, sad, shocked, and wounded.
I know exactly what it’s like to feel this, and immediately act really super over-the-top nice, almost as a counter-reaction to the surprise and hurt.
But even if you have a great “spiritual” response to someone who cusses at you….and you’ve learned well to turn the other cheek….
….inside in the privacy of your own mind, you’ve already decided that person is very scary. If only they were different.
Your impulse is to change their incorrect thoughts about you in order to get to safety and have these interactions not repeat themselves.
Make them realize you’re a NICE person, not someone who deserves what they’re dishing out!
Aiy. There’s the rub, as Shakespeare would say.
If you think you need to show them how wonderful, kind, compassionate and loving you are….
….and they aren’t buying it….
….you might want to stop.
Maybe what’s being called for is something entirely different.
Maybe you’re supposed to say “no”.
Maybe the way out of this type of exchange is to look that person in the eye and say “I hear what you’re saying. Now, I need a break. Goodbye.”
If someone hits you, do you think taking the higher road is to stay with them and tell them everything will be OK and you love them anyway, and to stick around until the next blow?
This all may be TRUE (except for the sticking around to the next blow part) but the smart, wise, kind, loving thing to do FOR YOU BOTH is to exit the scene.
I used to have an Angel Complex.
Seriously….I was quiet, non-confronting, hardly said a mean thing to anyone, very polite, very respectful (in my outer actions).
The people really, really close to me knew otherwise. I would tell them about how horrible so-and-so was to me at work, or how rotten that person treated me when I was ten, and I’d list the faults of those rude people.
When someone scared me, like my boss, or teacher, or someone in authority, or a man….
….I’d withdraw as quietly and smartly as possible.
Not a bad strategy.
But then inside my head I’d be furious at someone scaring me so much, being so aggressive and rude, so demanding or critical.
The truth is, I believed this person was dangerous, even if only emotionally, and one of my primary unconscious strategies was to correct their thinking by showing them how awesome, kind and angelic I was.
Naturally they’d realize they were wrong when they saw I have a heart of gold, am generous, willing and good.
That’s what I’m calling the Angel Complex.
Who would you be without the need to soften someone’s impression of you by acting like an Angel?
What if they’re just doing what they’re doing, being themselves, and they’ve somehow bumped into you as they’re living their life….and this is the way of it? What if you don’t have to show them you’re special in any way? What if you only have to act in accordance with what is genuinely true for you?
What if your job is to stay in your own business, not even step for a second into theirs, and say or do what feels right, true, powerful, joyful, passionate, and real?
Who would you be, how would you feel, how would you act, without the need to convince anyone of anything, or correct anyone’s impression of you in any way?
Turning this very stressful strategy for dealing with difficult people around:
I do NOT need to act like an angel or get them to see me correctly. They already see me correctly. I need to see them correctly and notice they might not be acting in accordance with what’s genuinely true for them. I need to correct MY thinking, not theirs. There is no danger, especially if I move away from them, or stop having a “fight” attitude on the inside with them.
I need to not act all nicey-angel with myself, to try to prove to myself I’m good. I need to see myself as I am, fears and warts and humanness and all, and relax with it and not try to always correct it. I need to walk away from people who are triggered by me, if they’re deeply disturbed in my presence. I need to say “no” if this helps stop a violent cycle in the mind, or physically.
One of my favorite stories of learning early on was when Byron Katie said a good friend made a dinner date with her. She arrived at the restaurant. She waited. Then she ordered a meal, and ate it. An hour passed before her friend arrived. She enjoyed staying while he ate his meal, and they talked.
But the next time he asked if she’d meet him for dinner, she said “no, honey, but I’ll talk with you right now on the phone”.
Simple awareness. No bitterness. No resentment. No tolerating. No trying to convince anyone they’re wrong, or they made a mistake the last dinner.
What if the universe was showing you perfectly, in just the right way, the direction to move? Without judgment? Without any “right” or “wrong”?
“We have to be what we are, so we don’t have to present a false image. If you love me the way I am, “Okay, take me.” If you don’t love me the way I am, “Okay, bye-bye. Find someone else.” It may sound harsh, but this kind of communication means the personal agreements we make with others are clear and impeccable.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements
Sometimes, what I notice happens when doing The Work and questioning my beliefs about someone, especially when they’ve said things or done things that don’t feel so great….
….is I move away from them.
Perhaps I speak up clearly. I’m not compelled to communicate, or not communicate. Instead I do and say what feels free, clear, courageous, and true. Not so someone thinks well of me, but so someone hears me.
Not the false Angel Complex all mired in acting “good”.
Without the belief there’s something wrong….you move more fluidly towards solution
I love when people write to me about problems they’re having, and ask me to write a Grace Note on it. I have a folder of these requests and notes and I rotate them all in, one by one.
A powerful problem, with big repetitive pain, is not sleeping well. Someone shared with me recently how far she’s come with the story of suffering from sleep disturbance.
She started doing The Work on sleep year before last during Year of Inquiry. Her general attitude got a whole lot lighter without the belief she SHOULD be sleeping more, longer, better, faster.
Without the simple belief that the way you sleep is bad….
….it can be a weird, but enormous relief.
What if the way I’m sleeping (shorter than I think is needed, too light, too erratic, too off hours, too interrupted) is just The Way It Is?
I can still seek assistance, consult sleep specialists, research….
….but I’m not wringing my hands with worry or rage about it. I’m simply following directions to study my condition, hear what others know.
When I was going through a divorce, and after my very first School for The Work with Byron Katie, my life was turned upside down and inside out.
Everything was going differently than I ever planned or imagined.
I was scared at a very deep level, and also cut loose at a very deep level (in a good way). There were 9 months or so of a very rough patch….in a deep I-Don’t-Know state of mind, everything exquisitely new, everything painfully new.
I slept four hours a night.
No matter what time I went to bed, I was awake by 3:00 am. The wee, silent, looming, haunting, magical, meditative hours in the dark night.
I did The Work on the belief that I should sleep, and soon learned to relax with Not Sleeping. I noticed I couldn’t say for sure if my lack of sleep was because of stress and anxiety, or excitement and liberation.
The inquirer who had done a lot of investigation on her difficulties with sleep wrote to me and asked about some other persistent thoughts, directed at herself, when it came to beliefs about not sleeping.
She had thoughts like “I need to change” or “I can’t live like this.”
She asked if these were also appropriate to do The Work on, even though she wasn’t sooooo against her lack of sleep anymore, after doing The Work.
A great question.
And here’s the thing about this question.
It show the places left where what you’re looking at still seems to be a problem. I see it. It’s bad. I see it. It’s wrong. There is something wrong with me.
People think this about a lot more than just sleep issues.
I have a series of difficult boyfriends. I do The Work on all of them. Then I get another one, and he also doesn’t work out. “There must be something wrong with me.”
I lose my job. I do The Work on not needing any more money, and noticing I survive without income. Yet I still want to feel stable and secure, and it makes sense to have a good career. I go to interviews, and still….nothing. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me?
I try to quit coffee. It’s my only “vice” (besides being addicted to certain stories, LOL). I do inquiry, study myself, write my thoughts, talk it out, delve into my motivations. And still, I just don’t mind drinking a cup of coffee every morning. There must be something wrong with me.
What I see over and over again, is the belief “there is something wrong with me” is a reactive thought to the situation feeling threatening.
At least for me, I only think “there must be something wrong here…I guess it’s with me” when I’m reacting to my underlying belief that there’s a terrible problem, and the way through it is to figure out what’s wrong…..and let’s start with me.
Here’s a weird thought.
What if what’s happening is not your fault?
What if you are the way you are for very important, brilliant, gentle reasons? What if today, you don’t even have to know what those reasons are, if you don’t?
What if life brings these conditions along and they are to be addressed, of course….not ignored….and we simply continue, explore, feel, wonder, investigate, and act.
I remember thinking once, during my long short-sleep period when I would feel dizzy sometimes, and exhausted, and unable to concentrate….
….if this continues for the rest of my life, I’m fine with it.
I might have gone to doctors, and sleep experts, yes….
….just like when I needed money I kept applying for jobs and going to interviews and talking with people I knew about money, work, careers….
….but I wanted to enjoy this day, if it was my last one, if there was no future, if I never “solved” this problem of lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of love, something missing, something wrong, something wrong with me.
“….It just comes to you what to do. You can find everything you need to know right where you are. And in reality, you already live that. When you need a pen, you reach over and you take it. If there’s not a pen there, you go get one. And that’s what it’s like in an emergency. Without fear, what to do is just as clear as reaching and picking up a pen. But fear isn’t so efficient. Fear is blind and deaf. ” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 280
Today, if you notice you have a problem like poor sleeping (or lack of money, or loneliness, or poor health) and you think it’s hurting you or your life, you can keep doing The Work, and you can also keep moving towards the solutions…..both.
As I ask for input and help, as I research and explore, as I question my stressful thoughts, things change.
A cup fell from my hand as I washed it this morning and reached to put it in the cupboard. It smashed on the floor.
What happened next, was I went to get the broom, and I picked up the chunks of broken mug and put them in the garbage, swept and vacuumed. It was one of my very favorite cups. But for such an event as this, there was almost-zero thought it was sad. I already know there are other cups to drink from, and cups I’ve had in the past that no longer exist.
That cup is no longer required, even though a part of me loved that cup and even in writing this, part of my mind is wondering for a sec where it came from so I can replace it. But I notice I don’t try to figure it out or go on the internet to find it.
I’m fine with it.
Here’s the craziest thing. The ultimate turnaround.
What if what is happening, is perfect, and should be happening? Can I find the advantages? Can I relax, even as this condition persists (apparently)? Can I hold still and allow things to support me in this moment, like the floor, or the couch, or the bed (which support me whether I “allow” it or not)?
This is not a despairing letting go, like a hopeless, why-bother, who-cares-anymore, something-wrong-with-me letting go. It feels like deep intimate staying. Connected to this present moment, to the air, to the sounds. Opening to new ideas, new possibilities, new answers.
What if this was not insurmountable, unbearable, impossible, ….being here right now?
“If you desire healing, let yourself fall ill let yourself fall ill.”
So my email program appeared AGAIN to be Not Working.
