I love when people write to me about problems they’re having, and ask me to write a Grace Note on it. I have a folder of these requests and notes and I rotate them all in, one by one.
A powerful problem, with big repetitive pain, is not sleeping well. Someone shared with me recently how far she’s come with the story of suffering from sleep disturbance.
She started doing The Work on sleep year before last during Year of Inquiry. Her general attitude got a whole lot lighter without the belief she SHOULD be sleeping more, longer, better, faster.
Without the simple belief that the way you sleep is bad….
….it can be a weird, but enormous relief.
What if the way I’m sleeping (shorter than I think is needed, too light, too erratic, too off hours, too interrupted) is just The Way It Is?
I can still seek assistance, consult sleep specialists, research….
….but I’m not wringing my hands with worry or rage about it. I’m simply following directions to study my condition, hear what others know.
When I was going through a divorce, and after my very first School for The Work with Byron Katie, my life was turned upside down and inside out.
Everything was going differently than I ever planned or imagined.
I was scared at a very deep level, and also cut loose at a very deep level (in a good way). There were 9 months or so of a very rough patch….in a deep I-Don’t-Know state of mind, everything exquisitely new, everything painfully new.
I slept four hours a night.
No matter what time I went to bed, I was awake by 3:00 am. The wee, silent, looming, haunting, magical, meditative hours in the dark night.
I did The Work on the belief that I should sleep, and soon learned to relax with Not Sleeping. I noticed I couldn’t say for sure if my lack of sleep was because of stress and anxiety, or excitement and liberation.
The inquirer who had done a lot of investigation on her difficulties with sleep wrote to me and asked about some other persistent thoughts, directed at herself, when it came to beliefs about not sleeping.
She had thoughts like “I need to change” or “I can’t live like this.”
She asked if these were also appropriate to do The Work on, even though she wasn’t sooooo against her lack of sleep anymore, after doing The Work.
A great question.
And here’s the thing about this question.
It show the places left where what you’re looking at still seems to be a problem. I see it. It’s bad. I see it. It’s wrong. There is something wrong with me.
People think this about a lot more than just sleep issues.
I have a series of difficult boyfriends. I do The Work on all of them. Then I get another one, and he also doesn’t work out. “There must be something wrong with me.”
I lose my job. I do The Work on not needing any more money, and noticing I survive without income. Yet I still want to feel stable and secure, and it makes sense to have a good career. I go to interviews, and still….nothing. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me?
I try to quit coffee. It’s my only “vice” (besides being addicted to certain stories, LOL). I do inquiry, study myself, write my thoughts, talk it out, delve into my motivations. And still, I just don’t mind drinking a cup of coffee every morning. There must be something wrong with me.
What I see over and over again, is the belief “there is something wrong with me” is a reactive thought to the situation feeling threatening.
At least for me, I only think “there must be something wrong here…I guess it’s with me” when I’m reacting to my underlying belief that there’s a terrible problem, and the way through it is to figure out what’s wrong…..and let’s start with me.
Here’s a weird thought.
What if what’s happening is not your fault?
What if you are the way you are for very important, brilliant, gentle reasons? What if today, you don’t even have to know what those reasons are, if you don’t?
What if life brings these conditions along and they are to be addressed, of course….not ignored….and we simply continue, explore, feel, wonder, investigate, and act.
I remember thinking once, during my long short-sleep period when I would feel dizzy sometimes, and exhausted, and unable to concentrate….
….if this continues for the rest of my life, I’m fine with it.
I might have gone to doctors, and sleep experts, yes….
….just like when I needed money I kept applying for jobs and going to interviews and talking with people I knew about money, work, careers….
….but I wanted to enjoy this day, if it was my last one, if there was no future, if I never “solved” this problem of lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of love, something missing, something wrong, something wrong with me.
“….It just comes to you what to do. You can find everything you need to know right where you are. And in reality, you already live that. When you need a pen, you reach over and you take it. If there’s not a pen there, you go get one. And that’s what it’s like in an emergency. Without fear, what to do is just as clear as reaching and picking up a pen. But fear isn’t so efficient. Fear is blind and deaf. ” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 280
Today, if you notice you have a problem like poor sleeping (or lack of money, or loneliness, or poor health) and you think it’s hurting you or your life, you can keep doing The Work, and you can also keep moving towards the solutions…..both.
As I ask for input and help, as I research and explore, as I question my stressful thoughts, things change.
A cup fell from my hand as I washed it this morning and reached to put it in the cupboard. It smashed on the floor.
What happened next, was I went to get the broom, and I picked up the chunks of broken mug and put them in the garbage, swept and vacuumed. It was one of my very favorite cups. But for such an event as this, there was almost-zero thought it was sad. I already know there are other cups to drink from, and cups I’ve had in the past that no longer exist.
That cup is no longer required, even though a part of me loved that cup and even in writing this, part of my mind is wondering for a sec where it came from so I can replace it. But I notice I don’t try to figure it out or go on the internet to find it.
I’m fine with it.
Here’s the craziest thing. The ultimate turnaround.
What if what is happening, is perfect, and should be happening? Can I find the advantages? Can I relax, even as this condition persists (apparently)? Can I hold still and allow things to support me in this moment, like the floor, or the couch, or the bed (which support me whether I “allow” it or not)?
This is not a despairing letting go, like a hopeless, why-bother, who-cares-anymore, something-wrong-with-me letting go. It feels like deep intimate staying. Connected to this present moment, to the air, to the sounds. Opening to new ideas, new possibilities, new answers.
What if this was not insurmountable, unbearable, impossible, ….being here right now?
“If you desire healing,
let yourself fall ill
let yourself fall ill.”
~ Rumi
Much love,
Grace