Tag: rumi

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Out Beyond Good Pure Angel Food vs Bad Nasty Devil Food…there is a field

One of these things is not like the others. What if we didn’t go to war with it, but relaxed beyond the right vs wrong battle?

Jalaluddin Rumi, the famous Sufi Persian philosopher who lived 1207-1273 had a beautiful quote most of us find very familiar:

Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. ~ Rumi

When I was a young woman, my ideas about food, eating, exercising and being in a body which needed to eat were filled with ideas about right-doing and wrong-doing.

I’m not sure there was one single neutral stand in the entire process of living my life within these confounds. Everything was labeled “good” or “bad”.

Driving around hunting for sweet sugary foods obsessively? Wrong. Evil. Bad.

If anyone saw me…shame and embarrassment forever.

Running 5 miles in the morning at dawn, followed by herbal tea and all raw food? Right. Holy. Good.

I could list for you, at the time, the tick marks I’d give each and every food in the world that was “bad” along with all the foods that were good.

Being quite full was also bad, and starving or feeling empty was good.

I never stopped to question any of these rules and regulations. All I tried to do was conform, and follow them.

Until I began to explore more deeply what my condition might mean, what my behavior might be longing for, or saying to me.

I tried an experiment you’ll find very surprising, that changed my entire approach to the Good/Bad wars of food. I “allowed” myself to eat something I previously considered “evil”.

It helped me go beyond the battle, and step into the field that Rumi spoke of so long ago….someplace peaceful, clear and joyful, without debate.

Letting everything be the way it is.

I tell you all about it here:

Much love,

Grace

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I’ve Been Left

He left me.

She left me.

They left me.

The suffering as a result of this belief is enormous.

People holding this thought in their experience of a relationship feel devastated, sometimes suicidal….and then on top of the dark feelings of abandonment, they criticize themselves for being losers and caring so much.

But let’s take a look at this thought, that can seem like a fact to some who think of it as true-true-true, and question it with The Work.

That person left you…Is it true?

Yes! They packed up their stuff and walked out the door. I don’t see them in this house anymore. Gone. It’s been 7 hours and 13 days since you took your love away.

Or fifteen years.

After we think “is is true?” instead of pausing with our answer, we might have images of that person blossoming before us, wondering about them, replaying the scenes that were so torturous in the past. We might explain to a listener all about the entire story of what happened. We might see them driving away on their motorcycle while running down the street behind them, and they never looked back.

People share with me the details of what’s happening in the lives of their “ex” partners. Marrying again. Non-communicative. Or maybe occasionally pinging them on facebook with an update.

But first, can I just answer that question…is it true they left?

Yes. Didn’t I just say how many days and hours it’s been?

Can you absolutely know it’s true they left?

Because I couldn’t know it was absolutely for-all-time true.

They were in my head daily, sometimes hourly. Every time I went past that one coffee house, I thought of them. Every time I heard that song, I felt melancholy.

There was a physical leaving, but not in any way was there an emotional or mental “leaving”. And I would also imagine getting back together in the future, which was always possible, right? I couldn’t know it was absolutely fundamentally true that this person left me forever.

Plus, and this is critically important to note, they didn’t die, they didn’t vanish off the face of the earth, and there were so many conversations and connections and bumps and difficulties between us, can you really know for absolute certain that person left YOU, like it was all about YOU?

No. I personally can’t at all. They had their own stuff going on that made a move important in their life. But if you answer “yes, it’s absolutely true” that’s perfectly OK and not the wrong answer.

How do you react when you think the thought “that person left me”?

Gut-wrenching sadness, or furious rage. They were wrong, wrong, wrong. I treated my daily life like a burden to “get through” and the new people I met like people to be suspicious of. I didn’t go out much.

So who would you be without your belief that you were left? Like, it was personal?

This is not airy fairy sweet gooey positive thinking fake sugar.

This is real use of the creative brilliance of mind and it’s imagination. The mind forgot the other side in this duality of every coin having an opposite. It focused on fear, lack, hurt, pain, and zero possibilities of a happy future.

Thank you mind for trying to keep me safe and sound, and unhurt. But you’re a bit limited, my friend, you say to your mind.

Because without the belief someone left me….I’m suddenly looking around my environment, my day, my quiet house….and noticing the peace of silence.

I’m aware of all the moments when I was supposedly “married” that I spent going to work alone, driving my own personal car all by myself, at the grocery store by myself, talking to a friend on the phone, sweeping the floor in my living room with children playing around me, thinking in my own head.

Did someone “leave” me at all those moments?

Yes, there was no body in the room sometimes. And it wouldn’t have occurred to me to be upset if my husband went to the garage to work on a project. In fact, I’d be a bit of a nut case if I started thinking “he’s leaving me” every time he called out “goodbye!” as he went to work in the morning.

Yikes.

All that meaning we place on relationships and what he or she is supposed to be doing that equals “I am loved” and all the meaning placed on a relationship that means “I am secure” or “I am NOT secure.”

When there are never any guarantees, ever. Someone could die, so could you (everyone will).

Leaving is the way of it, in fact.

Coming together, leaving, coming together, leaving. Nothing written on a piece of paper says anything firm and final about this leaving or staying. Marriage. Divorce. Break-ups. Falling in Love. Commitment. Separation.

Without the belief I am left, I simply notice the tide goes in and out. And I don’t get very upset about it.

Without the belief that I was left, I begin to see benefits for it going the way it’s going.

Let’s go there. The ultimate turnaround. Life dishing up something FOR me, not something happening that hurts me.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

For me, I noticed how much I loved the quiet. I could read anything I wanted all day long on the weekend. It was like a miracle to have nothing on my schedule. I meditated for hours. I walked through my neighborhood with Deva Premal playing over and over on my headphones. I noticed houses I had never seen before. I found little trails I hadn’t noticed. I came across a wild plum tree in nobody’s yard underneath the power lines, loaded with plums, and came back the next day with a bag.

I thought about relationships during that “I-was-left” time. I noticed how many exceptionally crazy beliefs I had about them that were considered normal in society. Here’s what “this” means. Here’s what “that” means.

I saw I couldn’t know.

I started hanging out with friends I had known since high school, but hadn’t really seen or spent time with in fifteen years. I signed up for a Qigong class. I started being curious about things I hadn’t pursued. I explored dance classes, and found one I loved.

Turning the thought around every way:

  • I left him
  • I left myself
  • He did not leave me

Can you find examples of how these are true? Spend time on each one, finding three examples for every turnaround.

I left him internally during our life together a thousand trillion times when I looked over at him and thought critically he wasn’t good enough, he didn’t do the lawn mowing right, he bought the wrong thing at the store, he wasn’t giving me enough affection, he worried too much about money.

I left myself by thinking I wasn’t a good companion, like I needed someone else around to make me happy. I didn’t appreciate my own mind, my thoughts, my desires. I suppressed myself. I didn’t share the truth. I felt inadequate. I ripped myself to shreds internally. I didn’t feel worthy of love. When we first met, I still obsessed about food a lot. I pushed myself really hard. I felt bad about my own abilities with money, before he ever joined in on the money show. I had images come to mind about my difficult, lonely future. I feared myself worthy of being left.

He didn’t leave me. Nope. In the mind constantly. Wondering what he was up to. Worrying about myself in the future, all alone. Feeling unforgiving. Like this his actions and behaviors are all about me, when they really have nothing to do with me. I got some of the photos, the kitchen ware, the couch, his old car, a new little gorgeous cottage just for me to live in. I receive texts, messages about the kids, emails, and we spend holidays together.

Ha Ha.

The advantages to this being “left” thing continue to enter my life, even after many years. There are far more advantages than disadvantages.

And even all of these supposed advantages and disadvantages…

….who knows if they are even true.

The most important thing is, the pair of glasses I am wearing about the whole thing is that it was one of the most powerful, life-changing, incredible experiences and wake-up calls of my life. Almost on equal footing to attending Byron Katie’s School for The Work.

I mean it.

I orbited into an entirely different paradigm. It wasn’t instant. My mind hung on very tight. I wanted to punish. I rotated back into severe doubt. But then I’d rotate with self-inquiry into brilliant trust. It was a roller coaster ride.

Very, very exciting.

Who would you be without your story?

You can do this. All it takes is answering some powerful questions slowly and honestly. You can do this.

A Community of the Spirit

There is a community of the spirit.

Join it, and feel the delight

of walking in the noisy street

and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,

and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes

to see with the other eye.

Open your hands,

if you want to be held.

Sit down in the circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel

the shepherd’s love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.

Don’t accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food.

Taste the lover’s mouth in yours.

You moan, “She left me.” “He left me.”

Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying.

Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison

when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.

Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always

widening rings of being.

~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Two events happening soon, that support your inquiry:

1) Being With Byron Katie (just stopped by the house which is getting a facelift for ten days….can’t wait to spend 4 days there starting July 8th)

2) Sliding Scale pay what you can. Summer Camp For The Mind begins July 5 – August 18.

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Remembering to welcome them all

A short one today.

As I travel, I’m so very aware that every hour, everything I see, every touch, every step, every person sharing with me, everyone who makes sound, every car going by, every doorway….

….are the most magnificent collection of life on earth.

Whether something brings a moment of joy, laughter, worry, irritation.

Magnificent.

Who would we be without our stressful stories, that some incidents and situations should be banished, and others should stick around longer?

Yes, who would we be.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
 
– Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

Much love,

Grace

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you need opposites….to fly

goodbye1
goodbye and hello you must have two wings to fly

As always, a little shuffling goes on in September for the Year of Inquiry program that just began. One person joined last week, one decided to leave, one switched to Eating Peace two weeks ago.

I suddenly realized something, with some of the thoughts in my brain about shuffling, in and out, joining and departing: I’m feeling unhappy about the instability, the lack of guarantee, the comings and goings….namely the “goings” part.

Again. Oh jeez.

I know that may sound like….well, of course. This is something to be unhappy about if someone withdraws, leaves or goes.

But it also sounded to me like the echoes of a belief I’ve questioned before about people leaving in general, and I thought “oh brother, here we go again.”

I need to know who’s in and who’s out. I need to know when, how, and where.

Temporariness is hard to live with, it seems, to my human mind.

But is it? Is this actually true?

The most gigantic temporariness I ever realized was under the spell of something to be feared, worried about, horrified with….

….was Endings.

In the form of death especially.

A huge Nooooooo shouted up at the sky for the “ending” of something. Over. Finished. Done. Wail!

This doesn’t have to be about the Big One (death). It can be about a relationship break-up, a job ending, the family home being sold, divorce, the end of a vacation, or like I mentioned the whispering sadness of a lovely person dropping a course.

Goodbyes are hard.

Is that true?

How do you feel, speak, react when you believe goodbyes are difficult, or unbearable, or an emergency, or must be stopped?

I’ve worked with so many people on this topic.

Huge inner stress.

This past week, I’ve been in northern Ontario province of Canada with a brilliant group of learners all gathering to talk about and inquire into wisdom, death and dying, connection, temporariness, life and living.

One topic brought forth was the act of saying goodbye.

Here comes the voice, the thought…I can’t stand goodbyes. I don’t like parting ways. I don’t want this to end. This shouldn’t be this way. I need it to keep going, and never stop.

Is this actually true?

Because, I notice, reality has goodbye and hello and goodbye and hello over and over again. Constantly.

Which means even if someone has not left, they might. So even worrying about something departing later, in the future, becomes frightening, and how I react….when I continue to believe that departures are bad.

I clutch. I grab.

I often looked at money this way. It needs to stay, and grow, and never say goodbye.

Is it even true that you need to keep the thing you’re worried about diminishing later?

You don’t have enough love (when this person leaves your life). Is that true?

You don’t have enough money, energy, support. True?

You don’t have enough clients, work, people in your retreat.

Is this actually true?

No. I find over and over again…..no, not true.

Perhaps very drilled into our bones, though. Such a common stress. I’ve experienced it time and again. I’ll look at so many little things like it isn’t enough, compared to “that” over there. I need to keep this, I need more, I need to take, I need to be connected, I need to have.

And I notice, when I think my empty nest house right now is not as good as the full house with a “complete” family in it, I suffer.

But can you really be sure goodbyes are sad, or bad, or to be avoided? Are you positive you don’t have enough people around, or love, or support? (Even if you’re sitting in a room by yourself)?

No.

How do you react when you believe “Goodbyes are bad!” (In my case, I’m thinking about people withdrawing from something I’m offering).

Woah is me. Pity party. I quit. Cancel everything. I can’t do it right. Why continue to bother.

Now….who would you be without this story?

Without any thought at all that what’s happening isn’t enough right now, that it’s off, that more would be better, or it was better before these changes? Without the belief that goodbyes are hard, or intolerable, or to be avoided?

I would be so much more clear. More present, more aware, more alive. More feeling full of the heart-break of departure and the joy of reunion, but somehow trusting it all and knowing it’s not up to me, and I can make a clean “goodbye”, or hear one, without regret. With trust.

I might even be laughing, without the thought that goodbyes are bad.

Without the belief in Bad Goodbye’s Good Hello’s I would notice the tide going in and out, and the emptiness of any moment, also full, in this world of both/two/duality/multitudes.

Maybe even laughing and then crying, almost at the same time, and allowing even this to be as it is.

Without the belief that goodbyes are ultimately bad, I’m aware of the equal and opposite advantages for any given moment, I become excited. Turnarounds are so thrilling and wild to try on!

This goodbye is not hard. I like this goodbye. I like this hello into something new that doesn’t involve the same format as before. This is NOT goodbye.

I love parting ways….with my old outdated thinking and stories. I want this to end. This should be this way. I need this to happen, just the way it is.

With the story of Not Enough-ness or “OH NO!”….

….I’m taking in information about what is, and maybe I make adjustments and changes not only to this moment as I inquire, but also to my program(s). Something new is created. I feel the “hello” along with the “goodbye”.

Without this story of being against What Is, I learn to move with the flow, and the sheer joy of this life not being mine.

This is not “mine”. Departures or communions, both not guaranteed to go as I think they should. Both not “mine”. Both definitely happening. Both in the hands of something that knows more than I do.

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings. God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one.” ~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

P.S. Fall Retreat is sold out full, but there is a spot in Year of Inquiry. We have only just begun Month 2 out of 12. Write to me if you’re seriously interested. If you join YOI then we can squeeze you in to Fall Retreat, or you can join YOI for telesessions-only if you’re not able to attend retreats.

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Annoying technology gets questioned

ComputerCrashSo my email program appeared AGAIN to be Not Working.

As in, it looked like I communicated with someone, I sent them a response or reply, even got back to them quickly….

….and record of my sending in the SENT files of my email program.

But people were writing back.

Did you get my email? Do you have an answer? Are you able to tell me? Did you send me your link to make payments because I didn’t receive it? Are we on for that date or not? Can I get credit for Year of Inquiry? And finally ‘MOM…did you sign me up for that dance class yet?!’

Working speedy quick….it doesn’t exactly feel smooth to think “no one has received any of my emails for the past ten days”.

Rats. This sucks.

I don’t know who did, who didn’t. Something’s gone wrong. Or will, very soon, because someone else who hasn’t even written yet is waiting for my reply, and I think I’ve already sent one.

Nooooooooooooo.

Computer tech difficulty! Customer service lines where I can’t hear the person due to static or heavy accent! This is terrible! A hassle! On the phone for 2 hours with three different people at Apple and at Hostgator!

I don’t have time for this!

People get this kind of annoyed with traffic, doors squeaking in need of WD40, crane flies brushing their cheek waking them up unexpectedly on a summer night, the baby crying too much, a typo, a spilled cup of coffee, a fly buzzing over and over in the room.

Not matters of life and death. You KNOW it.

And yet, you lose your inner calm because it’s happening.

My perfect version of the world doesn’t look like this! What gives?

(Shake fist at sky. Snap at the dog. Slam the door just a wee bit hard).

I love looking at these quick drive-by moments of stress with The Work. Slow it down. Open to discover something new.

I start with the question: why do I need my emails to get to everyone, anyway? What’s the big deal if they don’t?

This is not an exercise in brushing off what bugs you. This is blowing it up under a microscope so you can see better what the threat actually is for you. And question it.

Why would I want my emails to be received?

Easy. It means people are waiting for me out there. People aren’t signing up for programs or sessions they’re considering. If they don’t get their questions answered, they drop it. If they drop it, I have no clients or participants. If I have no clients or participants, I have no income. If I have no income, I lose my house, my stability, I can’t take care of my kids. If I can’t do any of that….I’m a loser.

Oh, and I’ve disappointed people, so they think so too.

Waaah.

How do I react when I think TIME is precious, people shouldn’t be disappointed, and my communication is crucial for getting paid?

Yikes. Pretty upset when communication gets threatened.

So who would I be without this story that the email thingie has to work, in order for me to be happy, supported, stable financially, and stress-free?

LOL.

Noticing how funny the mind is, taking stuff so dang seriously. Laughing with delight about being a silly human.

Turning the thoughts around:

Losing customers is of benefit, it’s good, it’s interesting. Losing money has advantages. It shows me what’s here, without money being required. I’m safe, I’m supported. 

Time is not so precious as I dream up. The present moment, and peace no matter what’s happening, is the most fun precious thing of all. People can be as disappointed and losing interest as they want–I get more time to myself, and less busy-ness. It is not required to have any money. More money is not better. Less money is not worse. Computers working do not dictate my success, or failure. They do not mean the end of my business, I notice. 

Losing my inner core sense of ‘here’ is dangerous. Losing my plans for the day, for the timing of things, is lovely. Noticing how I am never ‘right’ when I think something’s a disaster, or a hassle. 

So many examples of All Is Well.

How do I know I was supposed to have some kind of computer gremlin weird email sending problem?

I did.

And how do I know it’s supposed to be over?

It is.

“Outside, the freezing desert night.

This other night inside grows warm, kindling.

Let the landscape be covered with thorny crust.

We have a soft garden in here.

The continents blasted, cities and little towns, everything become a scorched, blackened ball.

 

The news we hear is full of grief for that future, 

but the real news inside here 

is there’s no news at all.”

~ Rumi

Much love,

Grace

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Do you think there’s something wrong with you?

suffering
Without the belief there’s something wrong….you move more fluidly towards solution

I love when people write to me about problems they’re having, and ask me to write a Grace Note on it. I have a folder of these requests and notes and I rotate them all in, one by one.

A powerful problem, with big repetitive pain, is not sleeping well. Someone shared with me recently how far she’s come with the story of suffering from sleep disturbance.

She started doing The Work on sleep year before last during Year of Inquiry. Her general attitude got a whole lot lighter without the belief she SHOULD be sleeping more, longer, better, faster.

Without the simple belief that the way you sleep is bad….

….it can be a weird, but enormous relief.

What if the way I’m sleeping (shorter than I think is needed, too light, too erratic, too off hours, too interrupted) is just The Way It Is?

I can still seek assistance, consult sleep specialists, research….

….but I’m not wringing my hands with worry or rage about it. I’m simply following directions to study my condition, hear what others know.

When I was going through a divorce, and after my very first School for The Work with Byron Katie, my life was turned upside down and inside out.

Everything was going differently than I ever planned or imagined.

I was scared at a very deep level, and also cut loose at a very deep level (in a good way). There were 9 months or so of a very rough patch….in a deep I-Don’t-Know state of mind, everything exquisitely new, everything painfully new.

I slept four hours a night.

No matter what time I went to bed, I was awake by 3:00 am. The wee, silent, looming, haunting, magical, meditative hours in the dark night.

I did The Work on the belief that I should sleep, and soon learned to relax with Not Sleeping. I noticed I couldn’t say for sure if my lack of sleep was because of stress and anxiety, or excitement and liberation.

The inquirer who had done a lot of investigation on her difficulties with sleep wrote to me and asked about some other persistent thoughts, directed at herself, when it came to beliefs about not sleeping.

She had thoughts like “I need to change” or “I can’t live like this.”

She asked if these were also appropriate to do The Work on, even though she wasn’t sooooo against her lack of sleep anymore, after doing The Work.

A great question.

And here’s the thing about this question.

It show the places left where what you’re looking at still seems to be a problem. I see it. It’s bad. I see it. It’s wrong. There is something wrong with me.

People think this about a lot more than just sleep issues.

I have a series of difficult boyfriends. I do The Work on all of them. Then I get another one, and he also doesn’t work out. “There must be something wrong with me.”

I lose my job. I do The Work on not needing any more money, and noticing I survive without income. Yet I still want to feel stable and secure, and it makes sense to have a good career. I go to interviews, and still….nothing. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me?

I try to quit coffee. It’s my only “vice” (besides being addicted to certain stories, LOL). I do inquiry, study myself, write my thoughts, talk it out, delve into my motivations. And still, I just don’t mind drinking a cup of coffee every morning. There must be something wrong with me.

What I see over and over again, is the belief “there is something wrong with me” is a reactive thought to the situation feeling threatening.

At least for me, I only think “there must be something wrong here…I guess it’s with me” when I’m reacting to my underlying belief that there’s a terrible problem, and the way through it is to figure out what’s wrong…..and let’s start with me.

Here’s a weird thought.

What if what’s happening is not your fault?

What if you are the way you are for very important, brilliant, gentle reasons? What if today, you don’t even have to know what those reasons are, if you don’t?

What if life brings these conditions along and they are to be addressed, of course….not ignored….and we simply continue, explore, feel, wonder, investigate, and act.

I remember thinking once, during my long short-sleep period when I would feel dizzy sometimes, and exhausted, and unable to concentrate….

….if this continues for the rest of my life, I’m fine with it.

I might have gone to doctors, and sleep experts, yes….

….just like when I needed money I kept applying for jobs and going to interviews and talking with people I knew about money, work, careers….

….but I wanted to enjoy this day, if it was my last one, if there was no future, if I never “solved” this problem of lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of love, something missing, something wrong, something wrong with me.

“….It just comes to you what to do. You can find everything you need to know right where you are. And in reality, you already live that. When you need a pen, you reach over and you take it. If there’s not a pen there, you go get one. And that’s what it’s like in an emergency. Without fear, what to do is just as clear as reaching and picking up a pen. But fear isn’t so efficient. Fear is blind and deaf. ” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 280

Today, if you notice you have a problem like poor sleeping (or lack of money, or loneliness, or poor health) and you think it’s hurting you or your life, you can keep doing The Work, and you can also keep moving towards the solutions…..both.

As I ask for input and help, as I research and explore, as I question my stressful thoughts, things change.

A cup fell from my hand as I washed it this morning and reached to put it in the cupboard. It smashed on the floor.

What happened next, was I went to get the broom, and I picked up the chunks of broken mug and put them in the garbage, swept and vacuumed. It was one of my very favorite cups. But for such an event as this, there was almost-zero thought it was sad. I already know there are other cups to drink from, and cups I’ve had in the past that no longer exist.

That cup is no longer required, even though a part of me loved that cup and even in writing this, part of my mind is wondering for a sec where it came from so I can replace it. But I notice I don’t try to figure it out or go on the internet to find it.

I’m fine with it.

Here’s the craziest thing. The ultimate turnaround.

What if what is happening, is perfect, and should be happening? Can I find the advantages? Can I relax, even as this condition persists (apparently)? Can I hold still and allow things to support me in this moment, like the floor, or the couch, or the bed (which support me whether I “allow” it or not)?

This is not a despairing letting go, like a hopeless, why-bother, who-cares-anymore, something-wrong-with-me letting go. It feels like deep intimate staying. Connected to this present moment, to the air, to the sounds. Opening to new ideas, new possibilities, new answers.

What if this was not insurmountable, unbearable, impossible, ….being here right now?

“If you desire healing,
let yourself fall ill
let yourself fall ill.” 

~ Rumi

Much love,

Grace

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Spiritual Joys come only from solitude

Inquiry Into Dark, Destructive, Fearful Thinking
sweet to know: entering the cave of solitude leads to a joyful place

In yesterday’s Grace Note was a beautiful poem Dream Song written by John Berryman–I forgot to include his name.

It seems, as a writer myself, like a big omission! Jeez!

Yesterday felt scattered, chaotic, with a big list of what needed to get done according to the plans for business and work and personal basics like going to the gym and buying greens for dinner.

It’s funny the wide gap that can happen between what’s expected, and what actually happens.

By 7 pm yesterday, I had my presentation ready for Eating Peace, I had my curriculum done for Money: Loving This Story (it starts in January on Thursdays), my daily blog was finalized, and I had three hours of evening, an empty open gap of time, for doing whatever I pleased.

What to do?

Instead of actually relaxing, though….

….an old familiar feeling entered the scene.

The night was dark, blustery, cold. Things felt quiet and contained in the environment, like staying in was natural.

And yet, my mind kept thinking about December plans, the need to make copies, get items ready for this weekend’s meetup and first session of the 8 Month group, buy tea, arrange a ride for my daughter for Saturday, write the check for the school thing, call the airline reservations to make the change, take the computer to the old computer graveyard (remember?) and clean out my too-old summer clothes so I never have to look at them again.

But I don’t WANT to do any of those things.

I want to be entertained. I want to be excited. I want to connect. I want to. I want to. I want. I want. I want.

I chat messaged a friend “what movie should I watch?”

Husband was busy, daughter was busy.

The restless energy felt like a small flutter in the pancreas area, or behind my back.

Right then….another dear friend skyped me.

I talked with her for an hour or more. This is exceptionally rare.

Especially rare to have this happen fairly spontaneously. My schedule is usually mapped out and I’m quite organized or disciplined with what I’m doing and when.

At least it appears that’s what I am.

Who knows.

But who would you be, when you got that restless feeling of wanting, without starting to demand you need entertainment?

Without believing you “want”?

Without believing you need to go get something so you can become satisfied? (Like food, movie, friend, whatever you use to fill yourself).

I’d be still.

I’d feel very, very quiet.

I’d allow the mind to jump and fuss and screech around like a hoot owl, but something else would stay steady, relaxed.

Silent.

If loneliness appears….OK.

If wanting appears….OK.

But it doesn’t have to be believed, it doesn’t have to be followed.

I don’t have to “do” anything. I can quiet down, I can quiet.

The thinking is not important, the lonely restless feeling is not all that is here.

I wait a moment, just a short moment, and notice I’m back with myself.

The solitude and being here with yourself….maybe not as bad as you think.

Spiritual joys come only from solitude,
So the wise choose the bottom of the well,
For the darkness down there beats
The darkness up here.
He who follows at the heels of the world
Never saves his head.
~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

P.S. Drop in meetup Saturday 11/21 from 2-4 pm, 8 month group has room for one person Sundays (once a month) starting 11/22 from 3-6 pm. Both in Seattle, hit reply if interested.

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When Some Urgency Comes About What’s Needed

So I’m riding my bike yesterday in the glorious spring afternoon, red tulips and yellow daffodils blooming in people’s gardens, the beautiful river I live near swirling slowly along with ducks floating and bright green grass on its banks.

This gorgeous bike trail is smooth pavement, winding between tall poplar trees in straight lines, then pine trees and back yards, then out in the open along the river again.

A whole system of thought enters.

What am I doing here.

Kinda like the opening of Birdman. 

Even though, when you think about it, I could be in a scene from a beautiful movie–and it’s where I actually live.

The thought started with something about the future, my youngest child leaving home in a year.

Mind running, as fast as this bike is moving.

I could hit the road and leave everything and everyone behind! Empty nest!

I could travel the world on a solo journey. I could go stay with Pema Chodron in her monastery for awhile. I could go to Bali and study some kind of exotic yoga. I could see weird and strange sights on this planet.

Let’s see….how much can I charge for rent for my cottage? I wonder what the neighbors pay for their home, I know they rent. I’ll copy that amount.

I really gotta get outta here, change it up, see the world.

I have limited time left. Things are declining body-wise. I’ll exit my primary relationship and ditch it all for a WalkAbout.

Ha ha!

Earlier in the very same day, I’m guiding people in the Desire Course to question what they think is the problem that comes between them and what they desire….and identify what they really want to feel.

Ooops, I almost forgot.

*Ping*!

Right there on the bicycle, seeing my shadow in the sun (wow!) watching a blue heron fly low and then land in the river, I notice who I would be without my thoughts of escape.

I chuckle, noticing how much I love that escape story.

That story where you change everything and everyone in your world and go on an adventure.

Don’t we love it? Bilbo Baggins takes off into the wild blue yonder.

But who would you be without that story (but only the parts where you think you’re trapped)?

Without the story that it’s required, in order to be happy?

It doesn’t mean I don’t go on adventures….it’s noticing I don’t have to. I’m not stuck. And this is it.

THIS is an adventure. Right here.

Even sitting writing this Grace Note, feeling the words pour forward, reflecting on how funny that thing was on the bike trail that went on an imaginary adventure away from the present moment.

Noticing I returned, I felt something watching and laughing at the mixture of ideas.

Coming back to the trail, the front bike wheel, the old woman with gray hair on her bicycle too, the eagle soaring above, the wind on my face, the man’s voice talking on his cell phone, twisting fast past the couple with the baby stroller, the thoughts swirling as much as the river, undulating and moving along, moving along.

Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley. 

Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars. 

Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight. 

Be a conoisseur,
and taste with caution. 

Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest, 

the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about “what’s needed.” 

Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it’s been untied,

and is just ambling about.

~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

P.S. Breitenbush Retreat June 24-28 is filling quickly and early bird rate ends April 30th. Being With Byron Katie retreat July 11-14 is also beginning to fill (we will all watch Katie together here in Seattle all the way from Switzerland via internet). Register for either one if you want to make sure you’ve got space, especially good accommodations. Visit www.workwithgrace.com to find more information about either one!

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Your Heart’s Desire

myheartsdesireDesire and The Work of Byron Katie Webinar for everyone 10-11:30 am Thursday March 26, 2015.

We will begin a journey into what Desire is, and can be for us when its joyful, clear, and thrilling. Anyone is welcome to join for no charge.

DESIRE! Hooray!!

Put this information in your calendar if you’d like to attend. It WILL be recorded, so if you can’t make it, don’t worry–you’ll be able to listen in later and I’ll leave the recording up for several days.

To attend by phone (limited to 25) please dial 425-440-5100 and enter pin code 305799#.

To join via skype call “join.conference” from your keypad then open the keypad again and enter the guest pin code 305799#.

To listen in and send your responses or question via the web, click on the link below for the Event Page. You can do this if the phone line is full!

Click HERE to connect via the web on 3/26:  Join The Desire & The Work of Byron Katie Presentation

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The really interesting thing about desire is all the ways it gets twisted up in our hearts and minds with fear, panic, loss and emptiness.

I’ll explain.

So if I’m sitting on my couch and have a desire to make good money doing what I love in the world….

….but a split second later I think about my low bank account, and how my car is damaged and needs repair, and how the house I live in has a broken refrigerator….

….my mind is running fast and bouncing around like a ping-pong ball from desiring money to considering what I need the money for (desperately).

I hardly let myself have a moment of peaceful enjoyment, the imagined joy of what could be possible, before I kicked myself in the shin with what a failure and how overwhelming this is.

Sad, disappointed.

The thoughts are stressful: you’re a loser, you don’t know how, you should have gotten a better education, you should have made different choices, you need more energy anyway, it’s almost too late.

Boy howdy!

How do you react when you believe these kinds of thoughts?

I want to go to bed, drink alcohol, watch TV, escape, sigh, surf the net. I might snap at the people around me. I stay home. I don’t try anything new.

Who would you be if you slowed way, way down and imagined yourself without the beliefs the you’re a loser, you’ve failed, you should have done it differently?

Without the belief that you know what’s better, that you know what’s right?

Without the belief that your dream or desire for more is wrong, or wasted, or bad?

This is a hard thing to imagine sometimes, but try.

Who would you BE in this moment without the belief that there’s no use, you’re a failure, and your dreams are too big?

Hmmm.

None of those thoughts?

Woah.

Something in me would stir.

I might even get excited, and have a spark of energy. I’d feel more trusting, I’d relax even while I’m picturing a future vision.

If you turn around the idea that Desire is dangerous, impossible, not for you, or disappointing….

….what do you notice you desire?

Fortune, influence, romance, love, connection, security, enlightenment?

How could your desire be present right now?

If you lived this, and followed the breadcrumbs of your desire through the woods….

….how would you behave? What would you say? What would you do?

What if there was no need to grab? What if you celebrated your desire, sincerely, and shared it with everyone?

“Your aims are small and low. They do not call for more. Only God’s energy is infinite–because He wants nothing for Himself. Be like Him and all your desires will be fulfilled. The higher your aims and vaster your desires, the more energy you will have for their fulfillment. Desire the good of all and the universe will work with you.” ~ Nisargadatta 

You are part of this wonderful universe, so don’t eliminate yourself, but let yourself be cared for and nurtured and loved. Reach out.

Question your stressful thoughts about why you can’t get what you want, or your confusion about your worth.

What disturbs you about your desires? What do you long for?

Write me back by hitting reply to this email and let me know–I may cover it in next week’s webinar on Desire.

“Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.” ~ Rumi

Love, Grace

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Living Your Turnarounds Feels……Fabulous. Here’s How.

joie_de_vivre
celebrate the wonder of desire

I have had so many questions about my little P.S. a couple of days ago in my Grace Note on Desire and The Work of Byron Katie (and yes, it’ll be a teleclass).

It seems to have struck a chord.

Desire is an amazing feeling when you feel alive, full of integrity, passionate, happy, full of zest and zip, committed, fascinated, following the breadcrumbs through the woods!

Joie de vivre!!

Desire can show up with a deep sincerity in spiritual practice, the spark you have for clarity and connection, the wonder to awaken.

But we really do get weird about desire….at least I sure did.

Stop it! Hold it back! It can get you into trouble!

You need to keep your head on straight!

Sometimes true.

There is the foolish human story of someone following their passion and rushing at a windmill, like Don Quixote.

Or the tragic human story of crimes of passion when someone murders their partner, and commits suicide.

What about desire for drugs, alcohol, food, cigarettes, something sexual, money.

Turning against desire, when following it led to hurt and pain, appears to be one strategy in this human dilemma.

I just won’t go there.

For me, this may offer some stability in a roller coaster of emotion, or relief when you stop hunting down and trying to grab….

….but it wasn’t really freedom.

How can we experience the joy of desire and moving towards what we love, celebrating whatever happens along the way?

Guest what my answer is.

Yah. That’s right.

Inquiry.

It’s all about the stress, ’bout the stress and trouble.

Here’s what I mean.

When you feel desire for something, for a change, for a situation, for an experience, for money, for a person….

….first, allow it to be there.

Why do you want that?

Instead of simply rushing towards it with your lance, riding your horse and wearing a helmet….pause.

What would you have, if you had that thing, person, situation?

I’d be secure! I’d be happy! I’d be free! Life would be easy! I’d be successful! I’d be proud! I’d be at peace! I’d be there!

Are you absolutely SURE you need that thing in order to have what you think you’d have?

As Byron Katie suggests….could you skip the middle man, and have that feeling RIGHT NOW?

Woah.

Have my desired feeling NOW?

You mean….feel peace, joy, happiness, freedom, ease, success, pride, or security….now? 

I noticed, this is what began to happen as I did The Work and entered the turnarounds.

I did not need that thing or person or experience or situation to be the way I thought it should be in order to be happy.

And have you noticed what can happen when you discover the feeling you wanted all along is possible right now, here, in this situation, in this moment (without your demands for it to be different)?

You want to get up and dance.

Or bawl your eyes out.

Or express, share, celebrate, jump, rest, care, hug, honor, be very quiet in amazement.

“Perhaps your hunger to belong is always active and intense because you belonged so totally before you came here. This hunger to belong is the echo and reverberation of your invisible heritage. You are from somewhere else, where you were known, embraced and sheltered. This is also the secret root from which all longing grows. Something in you knows, perhaps remembers, that eternal belonging liberates longing into its surest and most potent creativity. This is why your longing is often wiser than your conventional sense of appropriateness, safety and truth… Your longing desires to take you towards the absolute realization of all the possibilities that sleep in the clay of your heart; it knows your eternal potential, and it will not rest until it is awakened.” ~ John O’Donohue

Today, I love my hunger (most of the time) and bump up against too much intensity in desire, or out-of-integrity desire in far less degrees than I once experienced.

No more damage to myself, no more violence.

Without stress, I notice desire present in unfettered freedom. Ready to sing, or make a cup of tea, or fall into bed after a great day’s work.

“For the thirst to possess your love,
Is worth my blood a hundred times.” ~ Rumi 

If you’d love to learn to live your turnarounds, feel your core desired feelings, then join me on a six week journey into new territory combining The Work and Desire.

We’ll start with what we complain about.

And what isn’t working in our lives in our opinion.

We’ll look at when we don’t feel generous, or we feel fearful.

We’ll take these to inquiry.

We’ll sit with the turnarounds and use our imagination to spend time there, and ask ourselves….

….if I lived with my deepest desire without terror….

….if I lived my turnaround with abandon….

….what would that look like?

What would I do, say, think, feel, be?

Can’t wait to follow this adventure into dissolving painful beliefs, and celebrating desire.

We’ll meet Thursdays 8:30-10 am Pacific Time for 6 weeks starting April 2nd.

“The point of life is happiness.” ~ The Dalai Lama

Love, Grace