Spiritual Joys come only from solitude

In yesterday’s Grace Note was a beautiful poem Dream Song written by John Berryman–I forgot to include his name.

It seems, as a writer myself, like a big omission! Jeez!

Yesterday felt scattered, chaotic, with a big list of what needed to get done according to the plans for business and work and personal basics like going to the gym and buying greens for dinner.

It’s funny the wide gap that can happen between what’s expected, and what actually happens.

By 7 pm yesterday, I had my presentation ready for Eating Peace, I had my curriculum done for Money: Loving This Story (it starts in January on Thursdays), my daily blog was finalized, and I had three hours of evening, an empty open gap of time, for doing whatever I pleased.

What to do?

Instead of actually relaxing, though….

….an old familiar feeling entered the scene.

The night was dark, blustery, cold. Things felt quiet and contained in the environment, like staying in was natural.

And yet, my mind kept thinking about December plans, the need to make copies, get items ready for this weekend’s meetup and first session of the 8 Month group, buy tea, arrange a ride for my daughter for Saturday, write the check for the school thing, call the airline reservations to make the change, take the computer to the old computer graveyard (remember?) and clean out my too-old summer clothes so I never have to look at them again.

But I don’t WANT to do any of those things.

I want to be entertained. I want to be excited. I want to connect. I want to. I want to. I want. I want. I want.

I chat messaged a friend “what movie should I watch?”

Husband was busy, daughter was busy.

The restless energy felt like a small flutter in the pancreas area, or behind my back.

Right then….another dear friend skyped me.

I talked with her for an hour or more. This is exceptionally rare.

Especially rare to have this happen fairly spontaneously. My schedule is usually mapped out and I’m quite organized or disciplined with what I’m doing and when.

At least it appears that’s what I am.

Who knows.

But who would you be, when you got that restless feeling of wanting, without starting to demand you need entertainment?

Without believing you “want”?

Without believing you need to go get something so you can become satisfied? (Like food, movie, friend, whatever you use to fill yourself).

I’d be still.

I’d feel very, very quiet.

I’d allow the mind to jump and fuss and screech around like a hoot owl, but something else would stay steady, relaxed.

Silent.

If loneliness appears….OK.

If wanting appears….OK.

But it doesn’t have to be believed, it doesn’t have to be followed.

I don’t have to “do” anything. I can quiet down, I can quiet.

The thinking is not important, the lonely restless feeling is not all that is here.

I wait a moment, just a short moment, and notice I’m back with myself.

The solitude and being here with yourself….maybe not as bad as you think.